As noted in the post yesterday ... Tom Stoppard died and The Forward noted his works did something imiportant and that was:
"Much of Stoppard’s work revolved around the question of what it really means to live an important life — one that is not just full, but has some kind of identifiable impact on others."
NOT that my life is/was/will be seen as "important" but what is my life, especially going forward that is making some kind of identifiable impact on others????!!! SO - the question is more than "to be or not to be".
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above written a few days earlier and published today... maybe later? It is not 6am...
Answers:
What am I currently doing/getting as I am dating.... Conversation, companionship, some care/interest. some feeling of being wanted..., and some physical touching (as much as I can currently do... being old and having had prostate surgery).
Do I want more? Maybe --- maybe someone to go to sleep with and wake up with... daily. Maybe. Someone to shar meals with... And goals, tasks??? And a travel companion?
SO -- it is a nice thing I have w/Ellen... I wonder what more can be... with her OR with someone?
CHEMISTRY????!!!! Or is such something for young people and for me ... there is some other essential???
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Eating??
I am watching what I am eating ... No alcohol (or a very little... as it messes with my metabolism as well as adding calories) AND Some lessoning of carbs, sugars... Hafl a bagel... Some... And a bit more protein.
Regulating my eating - No eating after 9pm AND a 15-16 hour fast (the last couple of days have gone ok)
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about CBH.... and maybe if I go this Shabbat... I will say something...??? WHAT???? Here are some notes .. and there are other notes in a word processed document
the rejection unjustly by the young Rabbis and lack of support from the Board (to be fair I did not direclty ask the Board to help .. but they were aware of what was going on..) - was significant, to say the least.
Past hurts from the community included: a breaking of the word of a significant paid person; twice choices made when I broke up with someone in favor of the other;l generally a lack of welcoming in people's homes for dinners - Shabbat especially; a lack of reciprocation for my invites to Seders and some other events; presumptive remarks by some recently; general lack of appreciation all the many years - by congregants and clergy and Board; no outreach during COVID!!!; more????
AND from CBH... in return for whatever I did do ... such as being on the Board, one year being President, all the times on the Bimah, library work, other volunteer support.... AGAIN LITTLE RETURN... but I list these things because I WAS HONORED... and HAPPY TO SERVE...
Bottom line -- it all was for nothing when rejected unjustly with no process and no opportunity to face accusers... An END was reached ... if not the book at the very least a bunch of chapters.
FUTURE.... I think official and public reaching out ... by the Board ... would make some difference. It might not fully bring me back... I DO have a sense of loyalty now to CBS (Walnut Creek). And volunteering is not likely something I will do... IF asked and I'm present ... I will respond positively .. but where once I might have been seen as a leader... that was voluntary and part of the past. The future has to be different.... I am not sure what that will/can be.
