2026 (sometimes, almost) Daily - 11/6/2026 - LOVE?? and contentment... AND what I really want! at long last!!!

What do I WAN T? NEED? Not have...??? It is LOVE... and the problem could be me ... it could be others... Probably a mix. I have made choices - wise and stupid. And here I am...

I used to talk about love a lot ...I think... when in college. I rapped it down, so to speak... BUT did I ever really live love? I read about love... and I was particularly taken by: Erich "Fromm's most popular book ... The Art of Loving, an international bestseller first published in 1956, which recapitulated and complemented the theoretical principles of human nature found in Escape from Freedom and Man for Himself—principles which were revisited in many of Fromm's other major works. I also did appreciate Escape from Freedom and probably need to re-read both plus the Wikipedia article.

Back to "earth" so to speak and ME now.... I would like to be held, cuddled, caressed... LOVED... from Victor Hugo who wrote extensively about the power, pain, and transcendence of love across his novels and poetry:

"To love is to act." (Aimer, c’est agir — a principle he reiterated shortly before his death, emphasizing that true love requires justice, mercy, and responsibility).
"To love or have loved is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life." (from Les Misérables).
"To love another person is to see the face of God."
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

I have enlarged the one about the greatest happiness as that is what I would like... to be happy... to be loved... to be cared for...  And I want to love, too.... Love another... and as 

I had the following in my sig file and someone took it to heart ...though they still not save their relationship, I think...

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
- Adam's Diary - Mark Twain

I also found Twain said: ""Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Mark Twain" -- And that is where I am at today!!!!

THESE ramblings have brought to mind the several long term relationships I've had ... ASTROLOGICALLY ...  Cancers and Virgos... Mother, wife, girlfriends and Father, girlfriends, wife. My current girlfriend is a Gemini. A pretty good relationship I let go ...was a Libra... I have often "sworn" off Cancers and Virgos... and need to watch out going forward.

I wonder what Ellen, my current girlfriend will say and do IF (when) I asked to be held ... Like in Harvey where the doctor says all he want is "Akron, cold beer and (and a beautiful women to say) 'poor, poor thing' for two weeks?"

Finally - for the moment -- "Life's great happiness is to be convinced we are loved.” 

― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

I write this as I cannot get back to sleep - Friday, Nov. 6, 2026 -- at about 5am. This year has been TOUGH for me... most recently - health/bladder issue and then at the beginning of the year - hurt my left arm, then needed another prostate procedure (an ablation), and a heart ablation for AFIB. Then the Stock Market has recently gone down down down .. my stuff and others. And finding a reasonable airfare to Oslo and back has been tricky and difficult and expensive and more expensive...!!!

AND YET -- I have shelter, food, daughters, friends.... reasonable expectations of resources continuing to come in from pension, etc... SO WHY WORRY... Why be sad... BE GRATEFUL....  Stop wanting more ... BE CONTENT.... to wit:

"When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes - I already have everything that I really need.'" Dalai Lama

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/dalai_lama_446730

"There is greatness in the fear of God, contentment in faith of God, and honour in humility." Abu Bakr

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/abu_bakr_219633

"I'm sounding like Oprah, but if you're not practicing contentment where you are now, you're not getting contentment when you get what you want."Tony Hale

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/tony_hale_904583

"Most disciplines invite us to more mindfulness, and more contentment. Not by consuming more externally, but by harvesting more from within, and by sharing more without. Neurosciences and behavioural sciences increasingly corroborate this ancient wisdom - joy can come from giving, and unlimited happiness from bonhomie." Rohini Nilekani
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/rohini_nilekani_1106777

"As to that leisure evening of life, I must say that I do not want it. I can conceive of no contentment of which toil is not to be the immediate parent."Anthony Trollope

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/anthony_trollope_153983

"People get a little sidelined thinking that fame and fortune is going to bring them happiness, peace and contentment in their lives. Everyone thinks they want to be famous until the paparazzi are in their face, and then they're asking, 'Just give me some privacy.'" Linda Thompson
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/linda_thompson_714108

"If I couldn't use food or love to define contentment, I would use reading." Mary Roach
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/mary_roach_694718

FINALLY in the end ... after reading some of the quotes and considering this and that --- What do I want to DO? Toil at... for the sake of The Good? Find My People.... at long last.

And BE LOVED ... and accept being loved... feel love coming to me and send loving to others.

2026 (sometimes, almost) Daily - 11/5/2026 -Tarika, taxes... health?

 Well.... - it is two days since the Election.. in the US --- and Democrats did very well.... YEA!!! We now have Congress.... and still waiting to see how big the lead is in the Senate.... could be 56. Now it is 54.

yesterday - a rise in stocks.... this morning - a collapse... OY (as of 12:30 -- big downer)

And just asked Tarika to book: Option 1: SAS, Premium Economy — $3,767.09

• Outbound (Wed, Dec 16): SFO 4:45 PM → OSL 5:55 PM (Dec 17) | 1 stop via CPH (4h 25m layover)
• Return (Sat, Jan 2): OSL 9:30 AM → SFO 2:50 PM | 1 stop via CPH (1h 55m layover)

SO - ??? That is done. Now relative to trip I need to check visa/travel docs stuff...

BUT right now -- tax issues to check!!! (it is almost 10am)

==============================================

My work on taxes has me understanding the CA situation and I await a call to discuss with them what to do... As for Feds -- I have sent a note to Andrew to check what is what. 

==================

Yesterday - had a CT for urological issue ... I await results. Urine is currently rather clear and better. Maybe is was a scab coming off from prostate ablation? I hope...??!!

2026 (sometimes, almost) Daily - 11/4/2026 - my life progress and what borders?

Two thoughts are on my mind... today and yesterday....

Yesterday, or early this morning, question was: how did I get to where I am ... since I have often said I essentially drifted with a flow without making big choices based on passions, desires, interests, talents... 

AND - ISRAEL is often on my mind and the seemingly despair inducing intractable situation in the Middle East... 

SO: about Israel -- I support Israel and that is based on the promises and deeds of G-d and our patriarchs, and on thousands of years of yearnings, and on the needs of Jews who face anti-semitsm and who are viewed in generally negative ways ... no matter what is real and true. Israel and Jews, everywhere and  always, are people of all kinds of ways and means. Some of us are privileged, some rich, some smart, some not so smart, some poor, some - often many - subjected to oppressions. In a certain way we are rather regular and normal except that the Bell Curve may not apply to us since the middle area is rather uncertain in an uncertain world and I think that skews to the lefts and the rights the presentation and views of Jews, Judaism, Zion, and Zionism. Be that as it may ... and be what realities are part of the "other" side .. the side of Palestinians... THE ISSUE is what are the BORDERS for all in in the region.

Is it true that Good Fences Make Good Neighbors as Robert Frost wrote in his poem: Mending Wall? I wonder what is best, possible, meant... by that poem. Realistically thinking... borders/fences are how the world works. Boundaries.There may be other idealistic ways of having a World Order.. but nationalism with all its potential consequences to local minorities is what we know and with which we feel most comfortable. Good laws and enforcement of good laws relative to tolerance and acceptance are perhaps the best humanity can do!

For Israel and the USA and European nations who are managing borders and immigrants and terrorists... who is in and who is out? And what about the regulation of those borders so needed workers are allowed transit but not allowed citizenship? What is Ideal? What is Real? Who decides?

My second thoughts about my personal journey are perhaps being brought to light as I feel and sometimes worry about my mortality. Certainly I have had the loss of my birth family and health issues this year from the beginning and perhaps going forward (I get a CT Scan later today). I have had other losses (friends, lovers, a local community, and???), too. So as I recall saying that I got to where I am not by passionately striving but rather by following suggestions and going with a flow.... I find myself wondering What Is Next.... or what is coming... OR - what do I really want to do that is good, productive, constructive, etc. etc...!!!!

What are my interests, knowledge, passions, talents? I might have made a decent Rabbi. I would have probably been a good Cantor. Such would have made more sense if I or others had well considered who I was in high school, etc. Becoming an astronomer or an astronaut were things I did think about ... BUT I neither got nor sought advice. Becoming a salesman like my father was offered up as a way to make good money. To become a lawyer would have been to pursue a dream my father had for himself. To become a teacher or some other civil servant would bring security... AND I CHOOSE... becoming a librarian for security AND the prospect of a job at a college/university where I might study for some other "better?" profession. Becoming a psychologist.... to help people with their mental, personal problems was high on my list as I entered the masters program in Library Science. Later when I was forty (40) years old I applied to Rabbinical School... but that didn't happen for who knows, really, what reasons. 

I am now 77 years old. I have some travel plans... as I seem relatively mobile...AND I think about maybe starting a Conservative synagogue in Davis, CA... where there may or may not be interest or need or tolerance or acceptance. The idea of beginning such a synagogue is daunting, scary, difficult... and am I not too old???

We will see!!!!

2026 Daily - 10/22/2026 - fear and happiness..

I've been thinking recently about FEAR... and today added - HAPPINESS... Why am I not so happy? Or do not look happy? When I was a kid - 4 or 5... photographers couldn't get me to smile as they wanted me to... I would raise my lips I think... but I didn't open my mouth a show a toothful smile...  Disturbed my parents ... Who... the main thing they always said they wanted was For Me To Be Happy... YET -- what did they do, foster, suggest, support??

I keep thinking I was not guided or inspired by my parents.. as it seems other kids were who I hear about at their funerals. AND then -- what have I done for my children???

I am a "serious" person... I think and talk about "serious" things... Where is the comedy? The fun? The laughs? And were they put down... by some people I knew... recently??? (through the COVID period... without naming anyone).

AND NOW??? - Am I afraid to be happy? Or too old to be happy? What is HAPPY? Maybe I am happy... I am content, comfortable, .... What more??

OY!

2026 Daily - 10/21/2026 - SHW ... coming today!

Well... it is now abnout 8:30am -- and maybe SHW stove person will come and DIAGNOSE.... not fix -- but diagnose... Hmmm... HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL. Emails confirm visit... I hope!!! - UPDATE -  a. they came; b. email says part is on the way via fedEX; c. I will call tomorrow and set appointment... w/Eric... as per DISPATCH

Relative to AC ... recharge with J22? - probably OK ... but to be done in warmer weather. On my calandar for May 2, 2027 call in...

Coffee maker going though clean cycle...

2026 Daily - 10/20/2026 - so much Ted Lasso..... after the place holder...

 I mean -- there is much profundities in Ted Lasso ... and if one were to pick one, some, etc... and run with it - maybe it would get ME MOVING....

Ideas for tomorrow, Wednesday -- include going up to Apple Hill and/or SF ... or even just to Sacramento...

Museums, wineries, apple farms.. etc etc...!!!!

Fear -- Letting go.... 

And relative to Davis and a Conservative Congregation place -- what do I have to lose? Who would hate me, abandon me, etc...  The fear of pissing some people off .. is a BIGGEE... Another biggee is CAN I DO what is necessary - whatever that is? Organize, maintain, vitalize, inspire???, etc etc ...

SEE calendar for 10/21/26 for a plan for that day (tomorrow)....

2026 Daily - 10/19/2026 - maybe....

 ooooo...nothing.... a place holder... onto the 20th..???

2026 Daily - 10/18/2026 - some Tanya....

 Chabad Tanya teaching---cbapter4.. One hour of repentence in this world......

DEEDS.... Thoughts, speech, and action.... Garments we may wear... to me ... something that we have in mind and thus do it with G-dliness included. Or in another words -- we GRASP G-d in such moments.

==================

btw - yesterday -- pretty good. Community/karaokie singing went well! Decent turnout. The Octoberfest was fun and I did good work and daughter and Ellen hung out and were good together while I was working. 

TODAY -- totally chilled ... Tea and Alki

========================

Grand easy time. I now await a new season of Silo -- the 4th... coming soon???

Still watching Ted Lasso...

Blacklist can't be downloaded more this month... only 15 a month on my plan from Netflix/Xfinity.

=============================

now about 10:15pm.. heading to sleep ... all puzzles done. READ some"??

Impliment new "tasks list" on calendar each morning at 9am -- from night time writing/blogging each evening...

2026 Daily - 10/17/2026 - anti-semitism? And - the group and the community

 Anti-semitism?? What good is it? G-d created everything... G-d has a plan for all... Free will is still ours... and clarifying how that can be with G-d's plan and knowledge is qute a clarification question... Not to be done here... 

HERE - accepting that anti-semitism is part of G-d's plan - what is its good, bad, purpose, etc.. etc..

On one hand - some might say the pressures and oppressions in the name of anti-semitism has forced Jews to unite and guard themselves...and be somehow together or as was said:

"We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately" is traditionally attributed to Benjamin Franklin

Meaning was ... fight together for freedom. Together in community, in arms, etc.. gives us strength and eventually victory... OR we are ALONE... separate and weak losers.  (btw - this could apply directly to me in the Davis Jewish community at this time!).

Back to the "good" of anti-semitism... It has forced us to preserve ourselves and this has been mightily helped by our texts which assure us that WE will screw up... We will always be LOVED by G-d... We shall always return to the right paths... WE are in control with G-d's love.

Another good ... might be that opportunity it provides to people who are in ignorance and who hate baselessly... and therefor are not well mindful of the truths and who let their fears rule them which leads to hate. Essentially - Being Separate ... is the result... Aloneness... AND humans are herd animals who thrive in community. Who SURVIVE IN COMMUNITY. 

Today - who will be more together? AI or Humans? Who can maintain both individualism and communalism? That is what humans have done all their history. Individual strivings and inventions for the good of the many ... and the balancing of power and wealth with the weak and poor. ... All RELATIVE. The question is how wide are the gaps?

OPPORTUNITIES...  So many... Individual, communal... What is best from the individual for the group? It is not necessarily - from each according to his/her ability to each according to their needs... It is the balance between the community and the individual. One cannot be without the other!!! The rich need the poor. The strong are heroic when they protect the weak. 

AND --- when I think of a Conservative synagogue in Davis, CA -- the point is to be In The Middle... Enough "anything goes reform" and enough "orthodox rigidity". The MIDDLE is where both might meet and grow and thrive.

==================

based on question to google: lighthearted take on differences between jewish denominations

The main difference between Jewish denominations comes down to how they view Jewish law (halakha) and how to balance ancient tradition with modern life. [1, 2, 3, 4]

• Orthodox Judaism: Views the Torah as the literal, direct word of God given at Mount Sinai, meaning traditional laws are binding and immutable.
  • The lighthearted vibe: "The rules were written thousands of years ago, and our job is to figure out how to live in them today—no, you cannot update them on an app." (Ranging from Modern Orthodoxy, which grabs an espresso on the way to a secular university, to Haredi/Ultra-Orthodox communities that keep a safe, screen-free distance from modern culture). [1, 2, 3, 4]
• Conservative (Masorti) Judaism: Believes Jewish law is divine and obligatory, but that it was historically shaped by human interpretation and can—and should—evolve to fit the modern world.
  • The lighthearted vibe: "We love the tradition, we want the law to be followed, and we will debate the fine print of the committee ruling over a very long, very observant Shabbat lunch." [1, 2]
• Reform Judaism: Prioritizes ethical monotheism, social justice, and personal autonomy, viewing ritual law as inspiring and flexible rather than strictly mandatory.
  • The lighthearted vibe: "God gave us a moral compass and a brain; if a ritual doesn’t align with modern ethics or personal conscience, we are free to re-evaluate it." [1, 2, 3]
• Reconstructionist & Jewish Renewal: Views Judaism not just as a religion, but as an "evolving religious civilization" or a deep, ecstatic, and earth-centered spiritual practice.
  • The lighthearted vibe: "Less about what you're commanded to do, more about drumming in a forest circle, asking what God means to you personally, and repairing the universe (tikkun olam)." [1, 2, 3]

==================

some appropriate funny telling...of the differences... Still looking for that ONE...

??????

===========

THE POINT/ISSUE... - what is it that keeps us Jews going going going.... Surviving, even thriving, etc etc... WHAT IS IT? Or what is the combination? OR - is it a series of things that are experienced and done over time... again and again???

2026 Daily - 10/12/2026 - THE Middle... leadership?

 The middle of the population... relative to the Bell Curve -- has the most people and yet LEADERS come from the sides... Make sense as there are too many potential leaders in the middle but on the far left and the far right there finally can be found THE LEADER... who essentially reflects the skewed - to the right or the left -- that which is mostly believed.

The problem.. as there IS a problem -- is leadership comes from the sides and the middle has to choose as best they can ... with what information and beliefs they have. The BELIEFS are often wrong but they are ingrained and strong and so.... 

2026 Daily - 10/08/2026 - back .... again??? EH....

 well.... I've been "away" - at least from blogging for several weeks... I have been recovering from: prostate ablation and heart ablation... And now ... seem to be mending/mended and almost back to normalcy. I still am not lifting any weights but I am doubling the elliptical and walking and singing and generally doing stuff! Later I will get some water ... as I am about out and my coffee machine is thirsty, so to speak.

2026 Daily - 09/22/2026 - funeral and regrets...

 Went to Larry Frnak's funeral and listened to the talks... As usual - he was great, smart, caring, devoted, and INSPIRING...

It is the Inspiring Part ... that gets ME... I was not inspired... and I did not inspire... SO -- I think I failed as a parent in a significant way. I made it on my own.. my father probably made it on his own.. and my girls made it on their own .. with some help... and I am certainly glad they got some help. BUT I was not that help... so much...

GREAT REGRETS....

2026 Daily - 09/19/2026 - essay, thoughts... based on Hannah Arendt (more? later..!)

I'm reading the book review of Hannah Arendt in the New Yorker August 17th, 2026 issue. I have some things to say about today.

First - to introduce myself -- I am a somewhat ordinary person, in my own opinion. Not to smart. Not a great memory for details... I live in several spheres of reality... from the past to the science fiction future. My tastes in what people in the USA generally like is, in my opinion - untested, very mainstream. I have sometimes thought companies would do well to run by me fashions and advertisements etc and I could suggest the "winning" messages. I was born in NYC in 1949 so I am 77 years old as a write this and my health is relatively good, I hope, and my finances based on work as a librarian for about 40 years is based on a defined benefits pension (an old and VERY good thing), social security, savings, and medical insurances. In other words I am comfortable and able to do a lot of things I want to do...Travel, volunteer, sing in chorus', pray, enjoy friends... etc etc..

SO - what do I think about our world... most specifically about the United States of America and its current Republican President - D. Trump, and the Republican Congress.

I think, firstly, that the Republical Congress has not acted as it was designed to do. A strict interpretation of the Constitution would see this Republical Congress as one which has not done its duty and due diligence. It has allowed the so called Republican President to act without constraints based on that person's whims and interests. Those interests include self-agrandmizents such as starting a war he thought was an easy win, suggesting monuments to himself, destroying and threatening to destroy government buildings, and causing massive DISTRUST in the USA by its allies and its foes. Agreements with the USA cannot be trusted by anyone... as he will sign some agreement today and tomorrow change his mind and that agreement. The whipsawing of positions is CRAZY... and for a leader who has control of nuclear weapons and other powers - it is patently DANGEROUS. The Republican Congress , now and in the recent past, has refused to impeach and convict and thus end the reign of someone who is simply UNSTABLE. This is a mental health issue as well as political insanity. For many years now we have experienced lies and threats and while they will stop when his Presidency ends ... that cannot be too soon!

ONE ASIDE -- this President wants to be known for how special he is ... SO - he is the first President to be impeached twice. I would like to see him impeached a third time and then be the first to be convicted and removed from office. That would be benignly special and a better outcome than the continuing wars and taxes and tarrifs and deaths and confusion and mistrust that we are experiencing.

2026 Daily - 09/19/2026 - CHANGES... endings??

Things change. I have changed how Ellen and I relate ... by saying I want to see other people... and she and I agree we both should do that... and "our" problem is a lack of chemistry... that quaint unknown but real things.

Told Sarah and we changed plans a bit for Yom Kippur. AOK there...

Got a text and then a call from Pam ... who is suffering with the flu, and strept, and Esty the dog, and her relationship. It may be that things are coming to a point.. I will say no more here... except it has been a long difficult road she and her's have traveled and the road doesn't get smoother. In fact has gotten more rough, sadly.

Ah.. HOME -- that was what Rabbi Stein talked about relative to Jonah in the J. At services earlier today -- witnessing and truths and differences/changes... in Night bye Wiesel and in Diary of Anne Frank. INTERESTING.

Enough for now ... I will now look for a translation of full Yiddish version of Night. 

2026 Daily - 09/16/2026 -- Yom Kippur, awareness, Mindfulness!!! TONGLEN

 what i got from rabbi browstein's talk... The Day of Yom Kippur attones for all.. It is special and raises personal prayers... IF/as Intentional... Aware...Mindful.. or what the prayers mean.. what the apologies mean, what one's actions mean -- and how Actions are connected to G-d... G-d's will, ways, hope, intents, needs from us... etc etc..

BASICALLY - we are all good.. inside, basically, radically, fundamentally... Again - like TONGLEN

from wikipedia:

Tonglen

Tonglen is a Buddhist practice that involves breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out peace and healing. Its purpose is to cultivate compassion.

Tong means "giving or sending", and len means "receiving or taking".^[1] Tonglen is also known as "exchanging self with other."^[2][3]

Practice

In the practice, one exchanges the self with other, sending and taking should be practiced alternately. These two should ride the breath. As such it is a training in altruism.^[3]

The function of the practice is to:

reduce selfish attachment
increase a sense of renunciation^[4]
purify karma by giving and helping^[4]
develop and expand loving-kindness and bodhicitta^[4][3]

The practice of Tonglen involves all of the Six Perfections;^[4] giving, ethics, patience, joyous effort, concentration and wisdom. These are the practices of a Bodhisattva.^[4]

AND such was what I got from Rabbi's talk... which as based on Tanya, I think... or certainly Chabad stuff.

===================

OY -- and then -- what about more counseling w/Amy .. Why? What are the points to go into?  I guess I should ask her... and hope she will answer... Actually - in fact -- I would like to dialog with her without being in therapy .. without a "ref".... since that is what Amy always wants to have... And that continues to offend me ... and my having tried and essentially succeeded changes. INTERUPTING  still bothers me .. but why should I care? I can listen, or not listen... and wait for my being able to continue from where the interuption occurred. 

As for teaching her... ??? others""" stuff -- teaching adults.. There is a certain degree of futility in trying to do that... People are soo ingrained in their ways.. 

On the contrary -- I think of myself as being UnCentered... UnCertain.. Not locked into this that or the other... AND YET - I MUST SAY - I am probably mistaken in this self-assessment... As I have been mistaken in other things I thought were traits I had....  Pattern recognition comes to mind. Certainly SPIRITUALIY  is not my forte.. Or so I rather think... As I go through the world with minimal awareness of the Divine.... 

Being Mindful of the time, place, and G-d... That is what is wholeness in my opinion... As I've seen it in others... 

SEE quotes by Abraham Joshuah Heschel: AT THIS LINK... and following pages..

Quotes such as: 

“To be or not to be is not the question, the vital question is how to be and how not to be…”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel

“The primary purpose of prayer is not to make requests. The primary purpose is to praise, to sing, to chant. Because the essence of prayer is a song, and man cannot live without a song.

“Few are guilty, but all are responsible.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Prophets

“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel

“This is one of the goals of the Jewish way of living: to experience commonplace deeds as spiritual adventures, to feel the hidden love and wisdom in all things.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel, God in Search of Man: A Philosophy of Judaism

“Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel

“G0d is of no importance unless He is of supreme importance.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel, I Asked For Wonder: A Spiritual Anthology

“These are the three pillars on which our prayer rises to God: our own loyalty, the holiness of Israel, the mercy of God.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel, God in Search of Man: A Philosophy of Judaism

2026 Daily - 09/15/2026 - ok, routines and unusuals..

 ok day... Unusual in that I got a haircut and had a family zoom w/daughters.

Saw Rachel and Zahava... Postcarded... walked w/Ava -- was too tired to go to gym later.. so tomorrow -- a double workout, maybe?!!!

Still waiting to hear from Sarah about dinner on Kol Nidre Eve...

House was clearned...

Generally ok day.

2026 Daily - 09/14/2026 - watching to understand ... another...TREMBLING... and my needs..

 The movie I am finally watching, having heard about it years ago... is "Trembling Before G-d" - about homosexuals in or from the Orthodox communities...  Being shunned, become outsiders... becomng alone without community ... one problem... AND I WONDER -- who can do more? To be clear -- is it the community that can except or must the individual accceed (I think that is the right word). (haven't finished today... probably tomorrow)

Another issue brought in -- how can you trust, appreciate, respect, accept yourself if you are an observing Jew who is breaking a rather specific and clear "law"?  On one hand you accept and love the Law yet on the other hand you are always breaking at least one of those laws .. and in the 20th/21st Century -- homosexuality and genders are a major national/world issue. It is not longer easy to hide in a closet. Being true to yourSELF is highly valued... and the conflict of self and self is what is fundamentally difficulit/impossible for a Frum Gay Person. RIGHT????

For the community -- how much diversity can a community accept, deal with, tolerate... Where and when? What is the power of community over the individuals within it? What are the results of the applications of powers?

Must individuals bend to the requirements of community? Of what community?

How do people of any sort ... navigate the dynamic of good and not good -- or good and bad... when the bad is not necessarily bad.. At least not bad in some places... SO - some people abandon their home comuninity because of the conflict of ways and values. 

SO WHAT ARE THE BASIC VALUES...  Besides the stated Torah prohibition there is the positive commandment to be fruitful. Family and future generations are The Thing. 

What the individual loses is rather clear... On another hand -- What does the community lose? Where do those lost individuals go and what do they do? What is The Future... for all of us?

Once upon a time -- being banished might have been a death sentence so the power of the community was significantly more then. In the past to be bannished might mean living and trying to survice on your own without the help others could provide. Today -- the world is a big wide place with many opportunities for finding community... somewhere.. It is not a time of narrow confined needs.

Once upon a time ... the community was a positive supporting force... Protecting those inside from the outside... An outside that was not welcoming or accessable.

NOW -- the outside is generally available and inside the efforts are maintenance and perhaps - negative. A prison that some escape and others survive... and also thrive. BUT survival is confined and lacks broad and complete information from the Whole World.... Because even as all may be in Torah ... there is still tbings obviously beyond Torah and the insular communities. Hiding away .. in prisoned... are negatives. Are there enough simple positives to balance?

============================

MY NEEDS are in question ... see other posts... AND if I need a partner what is/are the need(s)?

One need is help remembering... I don't remember certain things well. Names, even events, places, movies... Can a partner with whom I have had experiences accept that I might not remember them well .. or at least need prompts and then maybe I can add something now to what is/was a past memory? I think this is BIG NEED/QUESTION...  And what is my memory when "clear" differs from the memory of my partner? OY!!!

Another need -- Kosher Intimacy... maybe... ??

Another need.... general understanding and respect... to get and to give... This is BIG, too, as I sometimes find myself wondering -- how can YOU think, feel, beleive THAT??? OY!!!!

==================

Chorale was good tonight... Will miss next week and maybe the week after... Videos?

AND the Stock Market... --- Very big DIP....today...

2026 Daily - 09/13/2026 - back to routine

 it is about 6pm - 2nd day of Rosh Hashanah... went to services, Sarah joined me, we heard shofar... and she met some of the people I know and appreciate at CBS... and then we left for lunch.

I came home -- and had a pretty good - full-upper-body workout. Not a lot of weight... and elliptical was usual slow/steady. Good.... My left arm is a bit weak.

Tomorrow - physical therapy appt for right knee. 

And tomorrow, Monday - full day... with visit to Jim and Davis Chorale 1st rehearsal. And maybe get myself setup for UCD Library resources. AND -- maybe walk first thing in morning... try to add that to daily routines. It can work if I get out to walk by 6:30.. except on Tuesdays when I walk at 8pm with Ava -- and then maybe I do the gym at 6:30??? - short warmup on elliptical and then weights...??  While other days the gym will be later in morning or even afternoon. Gym needs to continue... with addition of the walking.

2026 Daily - 09/11/2026 - 25 years ago... and stuff

 Memory... Patriotism... CARE, Heroics, suffering, mouning, RESPECT.. 

What unites people? Ofter it seems tragedy and fear and threats. THEN people get together to defend and preserve. If only the alternatives were effective and long lasting. I imagine love can last a lot longer than fear and hate. Love in constructive and productive while fear and hate destroy and waste. Basically fear brings people together for a while... but love can keep people together a long, long time. Love may be difficult but fear and hate take a lot out of a person... It is draining. Love is sustaining and growing.

==============

and NOW... it is just about time for Rosh Hashanah Eve to begin... 8pm on my computer clock. Rabbi begins. It was nice....

2026 Daily - 09/09/2026 - a function of anti-semitism

 Driven by anti=semitism to come together... perhaps all to/in Israel.. OR The Great Shofar will awaken all of us... as per the Rebbe of Chabad...

============================

The "great shofar" shall fan the essential Jewish spark within all Jews, so that each one, in accordance with his or her spiritual standing, will become better and more spiritually elevated in Torah and mitzvos life. When Moshiach comes, there will then be fulfilled that which is written:7 "You shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation." For the birthpangs of Moshiach will have cleansed the Jewish nation from all our accumulated [corporeal] grime. The "great shofar" shall awaken [within all the ability] to truly perceive G‑d's holiness. Even "lost and banished" Jews who have fallen so low that they are ashamed of the name "Jews" and are angered when reminded of their Jewish ancestry, doing everything in their power to distance themselves from Judaism, even such Jews will come to recognize, through the sound of the shofar and the "southerly storm winds," that they are Jewish.

=============================

2026 Daily - 09/08/2026 - medical, plus

 bit of a scare last night... blood in catheter... began/seen at 10pm persisted til about 2am... but now clear. I was a bit scared! I hope catheter comes out successfully soon!!!! I'm waiting to hear from UCDMC folks. Sent an mychart and did talk to reception at urology .. just now .. 9:08am and they were messaging Loraine.

AND - sent an email to patient relations about how difficult getting help has been! ---They got back to me saying they are sending it on to Urology...

I am going into Sacramento to see Urology on Thursday... 9am and 1pm... Hopefully this will be successful!

-----------------

Made deposit for Ireland trip... AOK... All on board!!!!
================================

Finished that book .. Humans by Matt Haig... quite interesting, really. Who are WE? Who am I?... What are things to do to be whole...

===================

Talked w/Mitchell -- and was reminded about Philip David Dropkin ... born about (exactly) two months ago... Will send something via Amazon...

2026 Daily - 09/07/2026 - staying in..

 loyualty, perserverance, persistance.... 

inertia, dislike or fear or change.....

WHAT keeps me going...; and going ... and going... on some path... with some group... with a particular person...

AND how OFF am I as to this self-perception?

OR is what is most OFF is the reason? Is it fear? FEAR seems to be most motivating - generally.  But in me? 

My Self-Perception has been - I am caring, supporting, somewhat interested (in others but not necessarily about the other to those others, i.e their  friends, acquaintences, etc), warm and approachable, LOVING (this is very compromized, I think), sensitive...

AHH --- SENSITIVE...  I do not like not being cared for... as shown by many people who just don't think about me (but that is normal, it is said).... And --- being SENSITIVE was beaten out of me... and that effects love and soo much. SO I think I am something that by training I am not... DON"T Love... Love doesn't last... etc etc 

Quite the connundrom! I believe in something and can't easily do it.

2026 Daily - 09/05/2026

 new dawn... new day...

New catheter.. working ok.. different... I may have a bill from Health Insurance... for the 12th === that would have been day of Kidney Stone event... and time at Sutter Emergancy.

About to texg/email Dad Joke... and done, daughters guessed, answers sent... They had some good guesses...

Watching a Jewish program on TV - on JBS... and someone's question/comment... made me consider: is there some value to anti-semitism? In Buddhism -- the way is to embrace all BUT not ATTACH... NO ATTACHMENT...  be free... Experience? Learn? and move on ... to the reality of the PRESENT... Mindfulnss!!

BUT - what is the value, if any, to anyone... of anti-semitism?

2026 Daily - 09/04/2026

 well today --- started off medically ok... catheter out.... some urinating... I would have thought -- enough ... BUT then urination stopped... pain increased.. and risk to the bladder became real.. After talking w/UCD Med folk (triage nurse Luanne..) I tried somethings, failed to get things moving ... and so went to Sutter Emergancy and had a new catheter put in... after being in agony... and ALL is Good now. 

Rotary in the morning on zoom had me seeing Andrew present about movie projection. Pretty cool.

I've got one more guess for wordle... hmmmm.....

2026 Daily - 09/03/2026 - only a DRAFT about Leadership...

 Morning ... at services...

Later now -- THOUGHT... Leaders want to lead... and will do what they need to do to WIN access to that role... And - fear is the best short term way to move voters - IT SEEMS... 

from AI, Google:

AI Overview

Talmudic leadership focuses on humility, shared responsibility, empowering others, and serving the community rather than seeking personal power.

Core Principles of Talmudic Leadership

Humility and Service: Leaders are taught to view themselves as servants of the community. True authority comes from modesty, mirroring figures like Moses and Hillel the Elder. [1]
Empowering Others: A great leader creates more leaders rather than passive followers, sharing knowledge and responsibility so the community can grow. [1]
Accountability to Truth: Talmudic texts emphasize that leaders must value truth above ego, meaning they should readily admit when they are wrong rather than protecting a false sense of infallibility. [1]
Rejecting Fear-Based Control: The Talmud warns that leaders who rule through intimidation for personal gain rather than for higher moral purposes will ultimately fail. [1]
Shared Wisdom and Education: Leadership involves continuous teaching, patience, and ensuring knowledge is deeply transmitted and understood across generations. [1]

Further Exploration

=====================================

Google AI question: ethics of the fathers about reluctance leadership and here is answer

Talmud/Ethics section says: AI Overview

In Pirkei Avot (The Ethics of the Fathers), the concept of leadership is approached with deep caution, strongly advocating for reluctant leadership. The text teaches that power, honor, and public office should never be pursued for personal gain or prestige. However, it balances this reluctance with an uncompromising obligation to step into leadership roles when the community truly needs it. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

The primary framework of reluctant leadership in Pirkei Avot is defined by several core principles:

1. Guarding Against the Traps of Power

The sages repeatedly warn that pursuing positions of authority can corrupt an individual's character and disrupt their personal peace. [1, 2]

Hating Lordship: Shemaiah famously counsels: "Love work, hate lordship [rabbanut/superiority], and do not make yourself known to the ruling authorities" (Pirkei Avot 1:10). True leaders view authority not as a privilege to be desired, but as a heavy burden to be handled carefully. [1, 2]
Distrusting Politics: Rabban Gamaliel adds a cautionary note about political power: "Be careful with the ruling authorities, for they only befriend a person for their own needs" (Pirkei Avot 2:3). [1]

2. Shunning Honor and Greatness

A foundational virtue of ancient Jewish leadership is a profound reluctance to occupy the limelight. [1, 2]

Fleeing Fame: Chapter 6 lists "fleeing from honor" and having a "reluctance to hand down rulings" among the essential qualities of a sage. [1]
Deflecting Praise: The text counsels: "Do not seek greatness for yourself, and do not lust for honor" (Pirkei Avot 6:5). A reluctant leader recognizes that true honor should be directed outward toward others and God, rather than consumed by oneself. [1, 2, 3]

3. Stepping Up Out of Necessity

Despite warnings to avoid authority, Pirkei Avot does not endorse complete passive withdrawal. Reluctant leaders must overcome their hesitation if a leadership vacuum puts the community at risk. [1, 2]

Filling the Void: Hillel states: "In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man" (Pirkei Avot 2:5). Commentators note this means that if no one else is willing or able to lead, an individual must sacrifice their preference for privacy and step forward. [1, 2]
Continuous Duty: Rabbi Tarfon offers reassurance to those overwhelmed by the magnitude of public service: "It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you at liberty to neglect it" (Pirkei Avot 2:16). [1]

Summary Comparison of Leadership Postures

Action / Posture	The Ideal Mindset	The Pirkei Avot Source
Seeking Power	Avoid. View authority as a burden, not a prize.	"Hate lordship" (1:10)
Chasing Prestige	Avoid. Flee from personal honors and public glory.	"Do not lust for honor" (6:5)
Facing a Vacuum	Overcome reluctance. Step up if the community is floundering.	"Strive to be a man" (2:5)
Facing Massive Tasks	Stay committed. Do your part without needing total completion.	"Not at liberty to neglect it" (2:16)

===================================================

and an interesting take on leadership from Chabad: https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/4423119/jewish/The-Requirements-of-Leadership.htm

More Jewish takes: https://scholar.valpo.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1435&context=jvbl

searches: talmud quotes on leadership

and

talmud leadership

and

ethics of the fathers about reluctance leadership (above is a reply to this)