2026 Daily - 05/9/2026 - Truth, Jews AND feelings and failings...

What do we KNOW is true? And when what we know to be true is not true .. .what do we do? Some double down and push/assert the old truths since they may be, especially if historical, useful backings to the myths of today.

A recent book review looked at books about the American Revolution and its effect on other countries who soon after had revolutions, etc. France, Haiti, and perhaps Italy and Germany... and others. In the "new" telling we were not the great inspiration many of us may think and BELIEVE... Ahhh.. BELIEF!

Let me turn to us Jews ... who are literate, intelligent, etc etc... in apparently higher per capita than other groups. Are we genetically superior? Was there some natural selection events that favored us? 

Here is a sequence of hateful asserted perceptions: anti-Israel, anti-Judaism, anti-semitism, anti-Zionism, anti-Israel, AND AGAIN... ANTI-SEMITISM...  to cover all the past "antis". In each case I would suggest there were instances that justified the sentiments in a small percentage of cases... yet the "hate", fear, angers were amplified for purposes of some.... Some who were in power and wanted more power. Some who may just have liked hating. 

ONCE upon a time for some reason I thought hate was ok... IF I hated one thing, person, etc... in one year and then moved onto to some other subject. I could have said the same thing about LOVE...  Or in other words - have limited but very strong passionate feelings about something for a while!

Back to us Jews... What is true about us? And special - if there IS something special...

One thing that comes to mind is we are a people who look to our Torah as the source of all. It is a book. It is full of stories and laws and there is history and instruction. Following on the importance of the Torah comes the idea that we were and are an unusually literate people BUT - who had books and who could read? Perhaps as there were few books there were few readers and few people who could read... BUT we had laws, etc from the Torah... the Five BOOKS of Moses... and we heard, listened, and remembered teaching from the Torah delivered by the few who themselves may have had copies to read and could read ... or who had great memories. The common people did not have books and probably did not and could not read. Why bother? As for Jews who were learned and who served Christian overlords as ministers or managers ... were they not another minority!?

YES - those minorities in our communities were highly respected... I can grant that... and so when printing begins in the late 1400's and emancipations from ghettos, etc.. happen - Jews do what they have seen as respectable and now acceptable and always a means to a good life. We learn to read and write and the idea, myth, that Jews were a literate and especially learned people really arises in the 1500's and later... much to our good fortune and advantage. 

It is not genetic... it is social. It was permitted and it was grasped for its utility! Is that The Truth? Or is my telling of the story with only a vague grasp of history and historical facts ... missing something? Is it the essence of Sophmoric? Maybe....

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Failing... - Not enough praise for my daughters... too much "realism"... instead of inspiration and appreciation... AND - a Yod for Amy and the fixed candle sticks for Sarah....

Also failed myself.... not recognizing what I did was valuable ... to me and to others. Not having compassion, appreciation, respect for myself... OY!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/8/2026 - today's theme??? and SEX

 It is early now - about 7:45am ... I didn't go to Rotary... am having some coffee. Paper newspaper was not on driveway otherwise I would be out in back yard w/my coffee... Markets went down yesterday and are recovering this morning. Rollercoaster!!!!

I'm reading a couple of books by Irvin D. Yalom .. 

one: Staring at the sun (about the psychology of thinking about death)

from Amazon:

"Written in Irv Yalom's inimitable story-telling style, Staring at the Sun is a profoundly encouraging approach to the universal issue of mortality. In this magisterial opus, capping a lifetime of work and personal experience, Dr. Yalom helps us recognize that the fear of death is at the heart of much of our anxiety. Such recognition is often catalyzed by an "awakening experience"―a dream, or loss (the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job or home), illness, trauma, or aging.

Once we confront our own mortality, Dr. Yalom writes, we are inspired to rearrange our priorities, communicate more deeply with those we love, appreciate more keenly the beauty of life, and increase our willingness to take the risks necessary for personal fulfillment."

two: Becoming myself: a psychiatrist's memoir. 

from Amazon:

"Irvin D. Yalom has made a career of investigating the lives of others. In this profound memoir, he turns his writing and his therapeutic eye on himself. He opens his story with a nightmare: He is twelve, and is riding his bike past the home of an acne-scarred girl. Like every morning, he calls out, hoping to befriend her, "Hello Measles!" But in his dream, the girl's father makes Yalom understand that his daily greeting had hurt her. For Yalom, this was the birth of empathy; he would not forget the lesson. As Becoming Myself unfolds, we see the birth of the insightful thinker whose books have been a beacon to so many. This is not simply a man's life story, Yalom's reflections on his life and development are an invitation for us to reflect on the origins of our own selves and the meanings of our lives."

AND WHAT ABOUT ME... me me me .... This IS my blog, my journal... and it is meant to preserve my thoughts and by writing to improve, develop myself.... SO:

I faced death quite closely when I had my pulmanary embololism... I was lucky in several ways ...  and recovery was not too long in happening AND was accompanied by weight loss. I was in the 280 region and got down to the 225 region. And now I'm back up!!!  I It has been SIX years since that event and I never say I was afraid or effected by that brush with mortality. I AM SOOOO INSENSITIVE!!!!! 

Yalom's Becoming Myself book addresses COMPASSION... and while I think I express compassion to others ... I don't think I treat myself with compassion. I don't appreciate myself. I don't take enough good care of myself health/eating-wise. I DO exercise and I DO see doctors... but I don't always take the medications they suggest - though once I start certain meds I do take them daily as prescribed. 

AND as for the "me me me" assertion above ... do I present myself such or am I viewed as caring? I fear I am NOT seen as caring ... even as I have caring thoughts in my head and I try to behave in caring ways and help in caring ways.  

FOR NOW: oy

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Aaahhhh.... SEX - Sex, sex, sex,.....

For me - diminishing!!! Diane (condom), Deanne (disinterest and thickness size issue, Prostate, Susan (suddenly find I am unable to have strong erection), Ellen (not sensitive nor interested in having oral sex done to her). I must say -- I am not very happy with myself and my performance and what I can do or am allowed to do.

I have heeded Ellen's disinterest ... but I don't like the IMBALANCE....  I'm not sure what we are doing and why and where things are or will go... SO something is missing and we are not talking about anything, really. COMMUNICATION!!!!! Not initiated by me, tolerance of anything from her, and clarity, certainty... not present. SO - what is my comfort level? What do I want to change? Change would allow me to see other people... locally, etc... THAT is what I want to be able to do ... with a clear conscience based on clear communication. And when? What time is right to have The Conversation?

OY!!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/7/2026 - Giving Day and Parents/Adult Children....

BIG Day of Giving here in Davis/Yolo... Did some donating... and thinking: What would I like to support, help -- that I did not see? An organization that brings parents and children back together .... after their estrangement... whoever had responsibity and hopes. NOTE: children sometimes live now for extended periods of time with parents -- economics... ON THE OTHER HAND/SIDE - parents live with their children as parents age... economics, other? Where is one's tribe, village, community? Who is it? WHY Has this been invented yet? WHERE? Check and communicate, ask... how are you doing it? Is it being done?? Drugs may be involved by either end/generation. Resentments, missed opportunities, disappointments, other? I wonder....????

Toxic parents, difficult circumstances, changing norms (the times, the ages of people, other?), difficult children, Generational gaps.

GOOGLE Searches:

bringing parents and adult children together

Unhealthy parent-adult child relationship

Bringing parents and adult children together pros and cons

Healing parent and adult child relationships

Parent adult-child relationship Questionnaire

AND - my personal experiences and those of my daughters... and ??? 

Me and my parents, Bruce and his daughter(s), Linda/Phil, Deanne/Eliana, Dea/Ben, Ellen??, others? Marilyn Groth? 

NOTE: I often felt shame, embarassment, WRONG... And I may have exhibited JUDGMENT about how others were dealing with such stuff. A QuESTION: With whom does one talk about such things? As a model - when is it ok to talk about marriage problems outside of the married couple? Some think - never.. I have wondered for myself as I have struggled committing in a relationship and with my daughters - what would be short answer(s)? 

An answer to the question - is it the parent's fault???? - One answer is yes/always since children learn how to relate from their parents ... so - what goes around comes around!!!! WHICH I HAVE ESSENTIALLY REALIZED AND STRUGGLED AGAINST..  - sometimes poorly but often the point was in my mind ... I did not want a repeat of what was between my parents and me to be what defined the relationship I have with my children, adults!

On another hand ... but not really, fully is that as in my case I could have used warm supportive positive parenting but my father was sure that challenging me was THE WAY... it worked for him... if he was told he couldn't do this or that then he would prove whomever said that wrong... I understood that was my father's way and he was proud of himself for accomplishing what he did... BUT I was not him... and FYI he would say he understood and practice psychology in his business so he succeeded in selling people because he understood them and worked on their ways... MAYBE I realized I was being treated one specific way and as I didn't respond I also didn't know how to access any other way. We lived rather isolated.... minimal contact with two out of three uncles... no aunts or grandparents...except my mother's mom who was not well treated/respected by my mother... What goes around comes around!!!! My parents got what they made... an insensitive son who needed to get away and protect himself and his family which I did by limiting/not visiting!!!!

BIG OY!!!!

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today is a big day of people...

services, meeting w/UCD finance guy, lunch w/Ava at Korean Rest., rehearsal, beer w/David Copp.

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just saw finance guy... and seems I can setup an annuity that they get when I die... and which until then will generate non-taxable income... IF 7 percent annuity on 50K = that is 3500 per year. Paid quarterly... Interesting.

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Practicing Bernstein choral piece -- Make our garden grow... It is sad for me... at my age. Do I have a future when my garden can grow and will I see it's fruits! I hope so!!! AAaahhhh... LIFE!!!

2026 Daily - 05/6/2026 - writing about parenting... and trips. BALANCE... And Mother's Day coming up

 Nice dinner and hangout with Jonathan last night. He now drives a LUCID... 75K, all electric. Interesting.

Today is a pretty wide open day!!! A couple of zooms. It is now about 8am... and a good workout should begin at about 9am. AND THEN -- there is a pre-prepared martini in my fridge which has been there since Sunday (today is Wednesday) and the olives in the vessel need to be eaten and the glass frosting in the freezer needs to be used... SO --- as the clouds are in the sky I think this will be a wildly and truly wasted day... THOUGH I may try some writing or editing or prepping my and/orBlog... AAHHhhhhh.. Writing  - that is my passion. As I write here and now --- it shows. As I think about wanting to be read, listened to or just heard, and have a purpose .. Writing is IT. Teaching through writing.

A PROJECT - my parents and I and other parents and their kids ... Source of woes - the parents and their wishes and hopes and preferences and the shadow they throw on relationships. Even I was subjected to that though my insensitivity or shame meant I didn't realize certain things about my parents and which i obvious to some other young people... SO - what is to be done!???

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on another note: TRAVEL... Japan, South Korea, Morocco, Croatia/Turkey, India, China. THOSE are places I would like to see and which I have never been.  For relaxing - Hawaii and/or Fijis....?? Or again to Thailand, north.

I have not been to the northern part of Thailand and there they do cooking and massage and maybe I could do a short expat thing there.

==================

And - in a couple of days -- Mother's Day. Will there be a Whole Earth Festival on campus??? I think they are putting stuff up. so yes.

What shall I do? Send something to Susan Hildreth? Get something for Ellen? And others???? Maybe Sheera, Samantha, Helene....Holly, and Linda and Dea?

And say something at Hillel - to the prideful!? Such as:

=======================

You are all beautiful... though some of you are more handsome and others are more pretty and essentially - words don't always feel right even if the feelings generating the words are loving.

AND sometimes the words are ok, right, loving but the person expressing those words has negative feelings at root. 

However -- Mixed Feelings are probably most common and those feelings and the words expressed may confuse and may hurt and may be twisted. Dare I say that mixed feelings are essentially feelings that are mixed up and further - the expressions of those feelings in words is sometimes messed up!

Rabbi Hillel said - Don't do to others that which you would not want done to you... Do no harm. What we can do is be strong and certain about who we are and be compassionate to all - oursevles and others. 

I had a messed up relationship with my parents and significantly I was not healthfully strong. I had some very difficult times with my two daughters... but thankfully and hopefully we are in a good place now .... after counseling and work to be a family. I recommend counseling. I recommend work. I wish you all well!

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I want balance... not dominance. EQUALITY!!! In all things. Compassion, acceptance, tolerance... Including, especially with Intimacy

2026 Daily - 05/5/2026

 well... i missed MayThe$thBeWithYou day... not a big deal, really.

Just back from bookclub and discussion of book about Admiral Rhikover... ok..

Got into wondering -- are Jews special...  Certainly seems so per capita....why? Genetics (self=selection back to Babylonian Exile? or education in recent centuries because when there were no books literacy was low even for Jews... etc. etc..??). IDEA FOR A BOOK: "My regular life - or more?" I have never felt particularly and authentically special. Parents more likely put me down.... certainly not inspiring... or honest (as it turned out). SO - I plodded on By Myself...  Only real help may have been when my father talked SUNY Binghamton into accepting me back IF... and I DID. It was easiest way for me to get my BA and also may have been easiest way for my father to ensure I graduated - SO: service to me and self-service for him.

Who am I? Who was I? What could have been? Where lies responsibility? 

I MUST take personal responsibility for myself. The sad thing was I didn't ask myself certain questions and got certain answers earlier in my life. Basic questions like: what interests me a log? What am I good at? What do I want to learn and then teach...!!!???

TEACHING is THE Thing. It is a good thing to SHARE oneself with others so they may learn from what happened that was good and bad and in-between. Ahhhhh... SHARING...  SHARE is my keyword for 2026 and here it is early May and what have I shared??? OR - what project is underway that will share that which I can share?

What do I have to share? I said the other day: 

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ... check info on Charity Navigator

AND - more regular (weekly?) donating ... to Jewish organizations....

To that I would have to/want to say -- writings about my life ... Successful, unsuccessful, regular, special, appreciated, unappreciated... etc. etc... Intense, laid back, effective, ineffective, warm, cold, friends, no friends, right perception, wrong perception...  OOOYYYYY!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/4/2026 - News and DO's - WORK!!!

 There is something not right in prostate.Will meet w/doc soon to find out how bad. 

Awoke and got to workout today before services at 7:45. Good start to day! Later have either a JTS program or the Death Cafe, then free time, then Jim,  then Chorale rehearsal.

AND here is my "new" daily agenda: 

THINGS TO DO: will top Monday blog... and DO !!!!

something related to one of the paragraphs of song.. - MY ARMOR!!!! (song is in 5/3/2026)

what is my purpose? TEACH.. what? PEACE?!!! "Braver Angels"

what do I like/want to see happen? What do I want fixed, specifically, in the world? - hhhmmmm... and idea: OFFER HS STUDENT A PLACE TO LIVE/STAY.. for a couple of years... Kinda - FOSTER.

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ... check info on Charity Navigator

AND - more regular (weekly?) donating ... to Jewish organizations....

and....

Duality writing thing - blog titled: https://thinkaboutitalready.blogspot.com/

and

Memoir writing ... find outline or amongst docs

Legacy - https://kensstreet.blogspot.com/

Above there is so much to do... not even considering:

chorus's

exercise

walks

socializing -- dinners, bars?, other.....

AND GARDEN AND BE IN GARDEN...

SOOOoooooo mmmuuccchhhhh!!!!

AND SO reports coming soon...

Other work... continues to include coming to some conclusions about my thoughts and feelings about my sister, mother, and father. AND should I get a copy of my father's will which the lawyer says has something nasty in it??? Do I really want to know??? Each day, generally, I say Kaddish for the year or so after their deaths. I am now still sayhing Kaddish for my sister and that will end about July 4th... AHHH... Independence Day!!!! For me as well as the country! WOW...

2026 Daily - 05/3/2026 - cared for?? To Care for what? - SHARE !!!!

Aaaahhhhh... being care about? Can the care of others be too much? Not yet... but it is a bit new for me... Contrasts with some earlier people who threatened to leave if I did not eat healthier while they did not actively choose to be helpful. Its all on you they said and while that is true -- a partner can be supportive, I think, by not pushing food and accepting that I could eat less .. but if something is in front of me ... I eat it... no wasting... and if its free... etc etc... I remember one person who would actually suggest all-you-can eat buffets! I remember thinking .. yea I like it... but why is she liking it so much? And why put me in front of it? Some people are a bit schizo, I guess! And besides ... a lot of people offer food as love. My mother's expression of love was food and my appreciation was appreciated!

Neal talks about me wheezing and I go to cardiologist .... Mostly ok... maybe essentially ok. Still waiting on some results and a "stress" test.

Last night, early this morning... Ellen texted and wanted to talk and she was concerned I was ignoring my diabetes and not caring about living. I said .. I do care about living and I take medications religiously AND weight loss is the DIFFICULT path I need to pursue. 

I must note... while I am not sure where I will travel and when... I have fixed my backyard and it is ready to be well gardened. Tending my garden is a long term consideration and endeavor. I did not invest in the backyard to sell the house. I did it for ME and my enjoyment and I hope to have many years there and many fruits and vegetables.

It is now about 9:30am and as part of my "health routine" I will soon go to workout ... some eliptical and some weights.  It is what I do!

As for eating -- I had a couple of sausages and a banana for breakfast. I am eating thru bananas I bought before hearing a new medication doesn't mix well with potasium which bananas are known to supply. I will start taking that new heart medication a day or two after I've finished those bananas.

Today -- after workout .. a shower, then Rotary thing: Touch-a-Truck, and then maybe Tanya... but that is as always a black hole, I think. I DO have the reading of Tanya...and maybe I will attend class to be sure I am on the right page, so to speak.

THINGS TO DO: will top Monday blog... and DO !!!!

something related to one of the paragraphs of song.. - MY ARMOR!!!!

what is my purpose? TEACH.. what? PEACE?!!! "Braver Angels"

what do I like/want to see happen? What do I want fixed, specifically, in the world? - hhhmmmm... and idea: OFFER HS STUDENT A PLACE TO LIVE/STAY.. for a couple of years... Kinda - FOSTER.

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ....

Here is the song ... which maybe I can work on its parts one by one in coming days.

I Am a Rock

Song by Simon & Garfunkel ‧ 1966

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock I am an island

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock I am an island

Don't talk of love

Well I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock I am an island

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock I am an island

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

2026 Daily - 05/2/2026

morning... slept well. Arose at about 6am --- aok

Weight up. Stock market ended week up .. especially for me and my etrade stock in CAT.

Might lift Torah today. Spotting necessary!

Basic wakeup just went off - 7:25am. Sun seems to be coming out. Will see Ellen this afternoon. Talk??? 

Who am I? What am I doing? Same for her?? Future? 

TRAVEL? Day trip to Napa -- how about Sunday May 24th... Memorial Day Weekend. Sleep in and drive out. Napa or Monterrey or Pacific Grove or ???

AND - now -- 7:49am  - dress and prepare or just leave...

(btw -- this week I am relatively free Wednesday)

2026 Daily - 05/1/2026 - a new month...

 Well... sort of started... but actually a blank sheet when I am writing now -- 9pm.

Thought for today -- a person needs purpose? a person needs to be moving. Productive? In other words ... building something.

Curiosity is important... Learning is important...

All the above is what THEY SAY... and it seems right but is it? Can a person rest on his/her laurels? Rest... Rest on what they did in their life? 

WHY NOT? 

WHY one or the other????

IT IS TRUE... there is a need for wisdom and even just simple information from Elders... People who have seen a lot... REALLY saw stuff... BUT then - will the youths listen? and will they learn? WHY... How can the world be a better place unless past mistakes are not made... Past triumphs pursued? And what is a triumph? What is a mistake? 

JUDGMENTS!!!!

2026 Daily - 04/30/2026 - F's

feelings, friends, family, father, freedom,fear,.....????!!!

From thoughts and stuff from Men's Grief Group which just met... ]

I do always come around to feelings... and being sensitive and how it was beaten out of me by my father whom I am free of now. Then - friends? Fears? FAMILY... 

Ahh.. family -- that is the thing.  And who is in charge now??? Who is patriarch or matriarch? My mother did not do matriarchal things and my fathers patriarchy was not really real, I think. In other words -- no center to my life! Can I become the center???!!!??? That would be MY WISH!!! Of whom? Why? Where?

=========================

From end of recent episode of NCIS Origins - title: Who's going to drive you home - S2E16:

Older Gibbs naration: "If you love someone you tell them who you are!!!" (or Father says "When you love someone you tell them who you are."

"You make the effort - you solve the problem...."

AND as is says often and elsewhere --- Never take anything for granted!

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SO - Will I TALK w/Ellen about this stuff??!!!??!!! When!!!!

2026 Daily - 04/29/2026

 Got good rest last night. Retired early and got up late (11pm - 8am - approx). I feel good. It is about 8:30am and I'm about to sip my first cup of coffee. New bed expected today ... I hope the move of old to other room will be ok'd. Seems easier for delivery people... but we'll see. I'm ready for it going either way. Stock market down at this time. I am still awaiting news from PET scan.

I guess no new car this month. Maybe next month??? And which car??? Niro, by KIA, Lexus, RAV4, Hyundai, Camray, Accord, CR-V, Prius, OTHER? All hybrids or plug-in hybrids. Or will a decision bet made today, tomorrow... ???

Might have Foxy this weekend. Need to talk w/Sarah and see. And then again in June??? 

And about a little trip w/Ellen. Big day trip to Napa? Or an overnight?

Later today -- zoom w/travelers!!! Next trip to... Japan, Morocco, other - and WHEN? from meetup and on calendar for May 27th meeting:

​IDEAS: -- travel in ​MAY.....2027

high interest... ​northern spain... basque.... ireland... north and south... croatia... interest??? morocco - maybe too hot turkey, greece... - hot?? Japan.... low interest... scandinavia

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waiting to talk w/Sarah about Foxy ... and hoping Ellen will be able to come here... I'll do zoom service..

2026 Daily - 04/28/2026

 Aaahhh....  Tuesday... Weight still up... Walked w/Ava. Second day of hearing about Japan... She went w/RoadsScholars... yesterday Dave talked about his trip with OAT... Both VERY ENTHUSIASTIC. I must look into a trip there!!!

Visited w/Rachel... nice talk... no shopping.

Later - rehearsal w/UCD Chorus... but first - lunch w/Bruce .. sushi place near him.

WHAT FOR ME TO DO....

A new congregation in Davis, Ca .. which may be out of real reach... though needed.... Conservative w/liberal acceptances of Jews relative to parental descents.

Produce "Unknown soldier and his wife" -- maybe with additions of other historical periods. Combine Theater dept with History dept. ...!!!!

Travel... to Japan, India, China?, with a retreat in one of those places.... In other words - A GRAND TOUR.... including cruising, land, air travel... And a place to sit/set and meditate... on addtional future things to do...

GARDEN.... veggies (ratattouis garder: tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, zuchinni, onions...) and flowers/color and ?????

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lunch w/Bruce -- talked about racism and churches and "shared legacy" documentary. And history and a bunch of stuff. HE is very enthusiastic about starting something soon to bring people together.

2026 Daily - 04/27/2026 - Monday and a new week... maybe THIS WEEK!???

 Will I make some bold moves, changes, etc... And why or what am I waiting for? A REASON == wait til I hear from CBH and also wait til after year of mourning for my original nuclear family, i.e my sister who followed the death of my mother and father... thus leaving me ALONE.... To fully realize myself or myselves... I am not blaming anyone for anything... OR at least I am trying to not think of blamings... What I am thinking is... LEGACY... What have I done worth noting, remembering, honoring??? I can make such a list but that list would leave out something important and that would be ... honoring others! I have not been good at giving credit where due although I have not taken credit that was another's. It is just that I did inititate some things and got some things done and I did want appropriate credit for myself and often did not get that. Oh woe is me... I could say... OH poor me...  BUT - the good was done and that was good!

SO lists... of accomplishment or stuff done worthy of note by me... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY - can I list people who I may have honored are who I should have honored or who I can honor? To be considered!!!

Today I am writing in the morning. I will do Meals on Wheels, have lunch w/David Foos, see Jim, check about mattress, go to Costco, and rehearse w/Davis Chorale. BUSY!!!! And do some cleaning/picking-up in preparation for Adrianna tomorrow. 

==============

got on phone w/Anthem about behavorial health.... VERY LONG wait to talk to someone who then took questions and is now taking a long time to find and return with information/answer. SHHEEESHHH... - Lousy music!!!

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Carl Jung - aging:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UJ3jzEKYSM

four pillars:

Individuation.... - new roles... !!! - psychological maturation!

Integrating the shadow --  face yourself with acceptance... regrets??? an invitation to become whole... hold back bad emotions... no judgemenet .. but understanding - psychological softening. no reactivity - instead calm presence...

Meaning after achievement - from doing to being... productivity not needed.. 

Reconciling with death... Understand death... it is not to be avoided... PREPARE... less fear... not denial...

2026 Daily - 04/26/2026 - after skipped days... Death and purpose???? and feelings...

 First - here are notes from an email meant to hold thoughts for this blog:

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Death death death .. what IF I were to die momentarily? What would I have NOT done that I would like to do .. have liked to do??

What is my unlived life???

Being a Cantor or a Rabbi??? Or some kind of educator, therapist??

And. . what are ALL my feelings about the death of my birth family? Father, mother, sister???? Why do I seem to not have real sad feelings? True .. there was great estrangement... And there was great bad feelings from them at me.   Or was it mostly my Father who was disappointed, angry, etc.   And what were his feelings??? AND what did he say in his will?

At best.    I'm full of words and ideas.   But FEELINGS? What do I feel? I know I've had trouble putting my feelings into words.   Or words to feelings??? A difference? Or the same? 

WHO DO I KNOW WHO I CAN TALK TO ABOUT FEELINGS?  Or do I only relate to people who also have trouble with feelings? Neal, others???

======================

WELL - those notes held a lot!! What are my feelings!!! About ???

People, purpose???

The question of purpose is one asked by several people... Pam for one! Have my travels been a distraction? Has travel had a purpose? What have I learned? Thought? Felt? 

For instance -- feelings about Aushwitz? Thoughts about property ownership? Both related to Judaism and both from trip to Baltics, Poland... etc... w/Robin.

And I do pay attention and am curious about Judaic stuff whenever I travel. Spain? Italiy/Sicily... And in distant past, also!

====================
Went to R. Brownstein's class on Tanya --- I am going to say.... I just am not able to understand what is being presented. .....

AND - I seem to have two different versions or translations of Tanya -- one from Sefaria .. and is the other from the Chabad site???? PERHAPS the Chabad version I saved of #37 ... is more than Tanya itself. Instead it is:

Lessons In Tanya »

By Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, elucidated by Rabbi Yosef Wineberg

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And now ... some dinner and maybe a movie... 

2026 Daily - 04/23/2026 - masculinity, femininity, BOTH?

 In attending a few sessions of a class The Age of the Feminine.... (where we are generally getting context, contect, context... to my great frustration) - a question has come to me... and so let me try to phrase and maybe I will send it on to the class-teacher and/or some other people who might have some thoughts, insights into my point(s) of curiosity....

The question ... People talk about The Shechina... the feminine aspect of G-d. Where and when do people actually speak about the masculine aspect of G-d? 

People speak about a man's feminine side... What about a woman's masculine side? 

AND if/as we are created in G-d's image.. how does all this gender stuff play out here on earth and in the high heavens?

Where is the equality? Where is the continuum? Why divisions as we know divisions are real and meaningful but also broad and for some too broad to fit... Diversity is most real!!!

==============

AND - also --- about me.... What am I doing? What is my purpose? What am I contributing? What would like to build? NOW.... In my later years!!!!

I got a pretty good report from my cardiologist... and I may do those new obesity drugs... She said ... and this was new to hear.. .that She Has Heard over the years people say -- I want/will do this myself . and then don't... And that is me.... I guess... really.... so -- maybe, probably!!!

2026 Daily - 04/22/2026 - AMTRAK travel?

Classes by Rabbis... Stein, Brownstein, Herman... Stein's was ok... the other two - meh.

Another play has been suggested by Amy -- Proof.. which I misremembered w/Arcadia... Both are/were good... I have to think on it...

Today had a PET scan... I await results. I hope for a clean bill of health. 

Did NOT workout today... no time. Tomorrow ---I will get it in right after services... if not before services. And then cardiac stuff tomorrow.

As for banking -- I am going to get stuff out of American Express -- it has proved too difficult and the Fidelity Acct seems to get the same "high" interest and they have checks! BTW - market up again today .. not as high as last week's end... but close. I think a trip by train ... around the country -- the 10 segment ticket for $499...  for 30 days:   USA Rail Pass Best if you want to explore the country and make stops along the way. Hop on/off the train across 500 destinations  10 segments over 30 days Pay a single, discounted fare. THIS MIGHT BE SOMETHING TO DO ... THIS SUMMER? EARLY FALL?

All in all - a quiet day.

2026 Daily - 04/21/2026 - suffering !!!

 Suffering ... death... fear of dying... Reality of death. How much do we think about that and when in our lives is it most prominent?

FOR me --- it has crossed my mind with my age and weight issues which include diabetes and heart issues. AND with death of parents and SISTER... death is closer in mind than it once was...

OY!

SO - I am reading the book: Staring at the sun... Interesting.

TODAY -- rehearsal, didn't see Rachel, a good workout (less pulldown and triceps).  Watched Rocky Horror Picture Show... and Amy got us tickets for Broadway production.

Money, money, money --- down stock market today -- futures up tomorrow. 

Got new printer working!!!! YEA

I must say -- my appreciation... on some level with the likes of Rocky Horror Picture Show ... is fascinating... What is it with me ... and strange stuff... and what do I expect/want from a partner?

2026 Daily - 04/20/2026 - suffering???

 to begin --- stock market is essentially down at 8:40am... more now than earlier... and less than earlier, too. We shall see where it goes by end of day... 

at Services this morning and going forward the people I list on Mi She-Berakh: Pam Rosman, Michael Green, Holly Picard.

Now... 9:30 - off to workout.... just eliptical... and maybe situps and treadmill....

Later - setup new printer, maybe some gardening, Jim and Chorale rehearsal...

AHHHH... suffering.... embracing stories and reality... UNDERSTANDING... and awareness.... WHAT IS MY STORY???

2026 Daily - 04/19/2026

 very good concert last night... Ellen and Sarah there... and enjoyed it. Great music - Mozart's Requiem!

My letter to editor, Davis Enterprise. was in today's paper. See copy below.

Worked out... light, 2/3rd regular... Trying to awaken muscles. Felt good. This week I hope to workout Monday about 9:30am, Tuesday, either before 10am or after 1pm, Wednesday, first thing in morning, Thursday, 9:30am, Friday, after lunch. AND Rotary in person? Friday.!

Well day is coming near its end... time to go to bed... today -- it is about 9:40pm.  Fixed assets speadsheet, a bit... will add some more in a moment (the house).... and regular checking.... LATER? any debts including mortgage.... (which today is the only debt I can think of)....

TatTa

2026 Daily - 04/18/2026

 Rehearsed this morning... and tonight -- in about 7 hours --- The Concert --- Mozart's Requiem....

Meeting Sarah for dinner at Cafe Danroels. Ellen and I will drive up and meet her there. It is close to concert venue and we should have plenty of time.

WAR - Iran and US blockade at odds with each other. I wonder what will happen?!!? Very difficult times. Who really wants a real peace? Everyone talks ... peace peace peace... but no one seems to be able to make it happen in a way which will last... It does seem that if a country doesn't have a nuclear unbrella that it is very vulnerable.... 

2026 Daily - 04/17/2026

 good day.... sent gifts to Amy, talked w/Steve in morning... rehearsal tonight was good. Stock market up... all week!!!

Its late... I'm going to watch Colbert... see what he says today... from yesterday? Or does he do shows on Friday???

2026 Daily - 04/16/2026

 Ahhh... here it is ... two days after Yom HaShoah.... I did think of it... as did others... Celebrate???

Took some blood test earlier today and most (all?) results back and not too much problematical... But will talk w/cardiologist after electroncardiagram next week. Next week I also go for a Pet scan relative to Prostate... DOCTORS!!!!

Met w/Alison and Matt and Dave --- about Davis Sings Program we are planning for October. Good meeting and good idea!!!

Rest of day kind of quiet...  rehearsed w/Univ. chorus. Got home after dinner at Panda w/Neal (tomorrow we won't have dinner... rehearsing w/Chorale!!).

At home did some cleaning/clearing of junk room in preparation for delivery of new bed next Wednesday. Pet scan in afternoon...

IDEAS... patience... rabbi biographies ... seem like weird.... idol-like...?? Dare I ask??

ANYWAY ---  late now... off to sleep. Maybe Rotary tomorrow morning!

2026 Daily - 04/15/2026

 It is about 7pm   and I'm listening to R. Shmary Brownstein and the class is called "

The Age of the Feminine" and we have not yet mentioned the "Femiine" and it is 45 minutes into the 60 minute class... 

SO - I'm am keeping silent as I want to say --- What does this have to do with the "feminine" .. The answer is: context, context... which is Tanya and spedifically Ch. 37 -- my favorte number!!!!

We are now getting to "uniqueness of this/our generation" ... Which will ??? have something to do with women!!!

Patience ... BE: Non-Judegmental!!! I guess I am judgmental in various situations... Specifically IF someone says they are going to talk about something ... and there is an apparent... slight ... Bait and Switch???

Hmmmm..... I wonder about women... and Chabad .... and separation.... ???!!! Maybe the men can't keep their minds off of women and the special things men can do with women.... Women distract from ...?? what? - Sudy? Prayer? 

As for the uniquness of these times... YES, maybe.... THE POINT though - what shall we do at this new, special time? Something old? Something akin to "there is nothing new under the sun" -- OR is there something to be tried that hasn't been tried before? Such as: in the past we have not been powerfully assetive. So - be ASSERTIVE.... wildly and BOLDLY and publicly!! YES? No??? What is best, good, right... for all? How can we know???

MY right and MY good ... may not be yours!,,, And maybe I think it should BUT... who am I to say?

==================

Near end of the day...

Accomplishments: removed and retained hardrives from 6 cpu towers... Disposed of the towers... as I clean out "junk" room, didn't get/take bed delivery, processed Tax Extension...elliptical, some tv, had man over for moles/volves in back yard, heard classes from R. Stein on the omer and R. Brownstein - as per above...

And now -- off towards bed... and sleep.

2026 Daily - 04/14/2026

 9:14am now... awoke... read NYTimes... now listening to a reel by Jon Stewart...talking about the TrumpJesus picture... Maybe this can be Trump's end... unless???? - How many people of colors are Catholic??? Christian... Those folks haven't been much bothered by the morality and criminality of that man beforfe - why now? WHY NOT!!!!

We'll see. JD Vance - the new Catholic... does he have an opinion? Does he buy Trumpt The Doctor story... or that Trump didn't really post it .. OR???

===============

Visited w/Rachel - went to Trader Joes... aok...

Market still up... nice run since mid-last week. OUR control of the Strait of Hormuze seems to be useful. CONTROL... ah that's the ticket, right! Certainty, clarity, comfort....!!!???

How does one... how do I... keep two or more views in hand at once? In one instance... I can say -- I support Israel but NOT its leadership... at this time. That dichotomy is helpful... but it makes one wonder - what is the thinking of the other side? How can they....???

BTW --- everyone has to give .. a little... to get a little.. AND what is enough on both sides of that equation? It does seem true that THE deterent is having a nuclear weapon... Or really having some sort of weapon of mass destruction - which begs the question ... did Iraq have such or were they near such OR did our Intelligence Agency determine they didn't have one and might and so lets kill that ambition!!!! IF they had it would they have used it? On who? Where? Lots of unknowns!!!!

===================

I do use a lot of exclamation points or CAPS... I am amazed by a lot. Everyone seems to think THESE ARE WILD TIMES. Led by a wild leader... or leaders. Leaders who are not controlled by norms or even actual laws and The Constituion. There is shock. Shock and awe??? "Awful" in the negative sense of the word. Fear is motivating and Fear is what the Pope has recently addressed SO - of what or whom is Congress afraid? IF there is a belief that a declaration of war against Iran or the kidnapping of the leader of Venizuela or the threats against NATO and Greenland and Canada are in any ways OK... It behooves Congress to get ahead of the decisions and assert the Congressional Constitutional perogative to make war. OR are most Congressman simply ok with what is happening to "bad" actors even as they can't come to a consensus about how to act?  These are sad days when our country acts without legal authorization based on whims of one person... OR so that One Person asserts!

===============

decided??? - Camray or Accord??? PRICE?? - both hybrids....How will sitting and getting in and out feel???

2026 Daily - 04/13/2026

 i was up early......... did an hour on elliptical and home by 6:30am. Earlier had a text from Ellen about coming over this afternoon but I declined... Jim and rehearsal... didn't make sense... not enough time.

Today - stock market is a bit down... as US is about to blockade Iran's straight... so they don't have to??? Seems weird to me. Maybe trump got hit in head at weekend boxing/fighting match.

NOW - lets see if zoom is working for CBS!? It did!!

Had a good rehearsal... Onward to Friday and Saturday.... And then on May 31st --- a full day of singing -- with both chorus'....

Ah..... omer... omer... omer....

2026 Daily - 04/12/2026 - a Passover thought?

 It is late sunday morning... I did some errands (got water and eggs and cheese and pickles), donated some stuff, had breakfast, watched end of 1492, and NOW -- going to workout.... I think, hope.

IDEAS of the day.... none at this time...

========================after workout===============

About Passover --- the Jews who experienced it at the time.... they did not, I think, have a Haggadah or even a need or command to tell the story! Fear and Feasting was the thing at that time. Today we need to remember what happen so we tell the story and ask questions and sing AND EAT.... Perhaps one of the two Seders can be only FEASTING?!!!! That would mean adding an additional day of observance in Israel and changing how we do things outside The Land...

AND BTW -- ordered a bunch of anchovies from Amazon...

2026 Daily - 04/11/2026 - norms and anti-semitism!!! and diverse worship!!! ALTERNATIVES????

 Today is Saturday... Shabbat... I did not go to services - in person or online. Online has failed me too much recently and my face hurts and looks wierd because of blue light treatment.

Watched a movie this morning... odd, depressing, maybe hopeful? - 2036 Origin Unknown.... sci fi ... on prime.

Now, this afternoon... maybe I'll get up and cleanup junk room... a bit..

It is not so great weather... cloudy, rainy... windy... cool... Might light a fire in fireplace..!!!

=============================

Anti-semitism and/or anti-Judaism has been a serious problem for over two thousand years!!!! We who are Jewish either have been hated for our religion or our poeplehood... for our poverty or our wealth... for our power or our impotence... CLEARLY we have never been able to win the war on reality. We are regular folks living in a variety of ways and places with differing means yetSIMP no matter what - we get oppressed, hated, blamed... And we DEFEND ourselves about all this... without, generally, taking the OFFENSIVE. Today, 2026. is a year following out of the Oct. 7th, 2023 event, when we are On The Offensive... and maybe --- this is the ticket!!!! And maybe we should really go all the way! Be a nation of priests.. to all. Be a light unto the nations. Be The Chosen People... once and for ALL!!!!!

How might this develop?? Would there be a need for weapons? Weapons not yet developed but which might work on eight billion people world-wide. I know this sounds wildly impossible and unrealistic but the supposedly possible and realistic ways have not worked. We must stop trying to do the same thing and expecting a different outcome. THAT is INSANE. 

THE THING IS ... G-d is one and only and alone... and other variations on the Hebrewe word ECHAD. G-d represents .... UNITY... which is in great contrast to the wonderful and infinite diversity of humanity, humans, people.... and more. SO we could consider the great BALANCE between G-d and the domain of G-d to be One and Many. And to teach people to recognize The One and The Many is The WAY!!!!  Alternatively we could have many gods for many different people... and that might work, too... but there seems to be a need for/by all of us to find some Essential Single... a SINGULARITY on which to focus and SIMPLIFY... Yes - there is a need for the Simple... as well as the Complex.. BALANCE IS MOST IMPORTANT!!!! It is important because who really knows... what???!!!

=============================

Just read the R. Nachman stuff on PEACE.... How avoiding conflict is key to peace... for all... SO - what about Israel???

What about Standing, so to speak, as noted above .. and LEADING for GOOD... I can imagine it would not be peaceful at some point or ever?

Do we Jews return to a life of being marginal and weak and having to keep our heads down so as to survive? SURVIVAL is viewed as one of our great traits!! We alone have survived in comparison to Romans, Greeks, Egyptians, and many others..Or were there so many others beyond the Romans and Greeks and ???

I once thought all Jews, Israelis should leave Israel at the 50 year JUBALEE point... and thus allow peace to come to the region... and to be an example to the world!!!

HOWEVER - facts on the ground are what they are. The people of Israel want to remain! That is THE FACT!!!!

Consider - The Holocaust -- did it speed up the establishment of The State of Israel? The Holocaust and the preceeding animosity of the Arabs in the 20's and 30's in "palestine". IF there had not been WW2 and the Holocaust would Israel have become a nation later in history in some peaceful manner? What might have been?

ALTERNATE HISTORIES!!!

2026 Daily - 04/10/2026 - Les Miserables

Just finished watching Jean-Paul Belmondo version of Les Miserables... Wonderful... And yesterday finished watching When do we eat... BOTH start very slowly and then the middle and the ends are worth the wait!!!! That is a lesson to keep in mind... Today so many movies ... start fast to get you hooked... but then do they deliver? The two mentioned above DO DELIVER!!! Feelings and ideas and all.

A quote noted at end... by Victor Hugo --  "the best is yet to come" -as noted below -- in the movie hte quote goes: "Our best years are yet to come"... As they ALL dance at the wedding of Salome and Marias.... with Jean Valjesn - Paul Belmando - as presiding mayor!!!

And - "Buffalo Bill's son doesn't shoot like his dad" which may refer to how Jean Valjean (aka Henri Fontin) 

is not like his father... and is better.

AND MORE by - While Victor Hugo is often associated with themes of optimism and the inevitable dawn of better days, the specific phrase "the best is yet to come" is more commonly attributed to poet Robert Browning. 

However, Victor Hugo is famous for a very similar, iconic quote about hope and the future: 

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise."
— Les Misérables 

Other Notable Victor Hugo Quotes on the Future and Hope:

• "There is nothing like a dream to create the future".
• "If you wish to understand what Revolution is, call it Progress; and if you wish to understand what Progress is, call it Tomorrow".
• "The future has several names. For the weak, it is impossible; for the fainthearted, it is unknown; but for the valiant, it is ideal".
• "An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come". 

These quotes reflect his belief in progress, resilience, and the inevitability of positive change, even in the face of despair.

 I DO LIKE/LOVE VICTOR HUGO!!!!! 

He was against capital punishment. He was for the power of education to fight crime. Build schools so you can close prisons. And he loved love!

Hung out w/Steve and in a few hours (is it now 3:30) Neal will be here with food for our Friday night dinner.

Weather is unstable today --- some sun, some clouds, some rain... changing from hour to hour. More rain due tomorrow... maybe.

2026 Daily - 04/9/2026 and yesterday ?? and tomorrow..

 missing days.... yesterday was full... Blue Light treatment in morning for facial pre-cancer cells. Then some waiting ... and then Ellen came over and we watched some movies... parts and one full. And we massaged each other (my massage table is getting some good use)... and slept the night together.. I did put together a meal for us (salmon, potatoes, and a salad). 

TODAY - Thursday - awoke ... had some matzah brie made by Ellen .. good.. some talk and some hanging out and she went home in mid/late morning. I have been in the house staying out of the sun... Watched When Do We Eat... and may yet watch Belmondo's Les Misserable...Neither film grabbed Ellen. 

Spent a lot of this day binging through Young Sherlock... kind of good.... He has as a friend -- Moriarity! At least so far!

And that is that... pretty much...

Oh - made air reservation for NYC and got another hotel after realizing the one I had was on 32nd street and not 42nd street. Amy plans to take me to Broadway production of Rocky Horror Picture Show... Cool!!!

Tonorrow -- clean, get things for donating... maybe do taxes... AND CONSIDER -- singleness, remarriage idea, etc... about such things to consider.