2026 Daily - 07/9/2026 - men and love, REALLY?

well.... this was titled this morning.... and now after a full day ... I write!

The thing to write about is the Men's group meeting... ARMOR... what gives me strength? What did I learn about emotions/feelings? What did I learn about death, illness, etc... How am I vulnerable... and what does vulnerability mean? How do I feel about asking for help?

For me... sadness is what I wrote as my armor... it is better than anger... for me. Anger starts when I am saddened... probably mostly when I am silenced.  As for EMOTIONS... they were beaten out of me... and now I am rather NUMB... Emotions are MUTED... not to sad... and certainly not to happy... and more importantly - not a lot of loving vs hating... Neither get  goo workout.

AND then there is the idea -- relative to help... One can only depend on family... AND NOW ... what family do I have? My daughters, cousins, and special friends.. And do I TRUST?? No!!!! I have been abandoned... ignored... And that is true! Abandonment... Good old Linda poo poo'd that years ago... and what along with other things were things she was wrong about... Even bad! maybe...

And so ... what are my ARMORS? retreat... isolation... shutting down... AND denial??? Denying I am angry? Lost? ... At the baseball game earlier this week... there was a lot of confusion and poor planning and I suffered. I didn't like not knowing where people were.. Where seats were... I don't like getting lost. It was very painful... 

Others have abandoned me... and I withdraw....

OY!/ 

Have I ever really loved? Felt love... It is probably true I never loved well... that is another issue. But have I felt love? Or was it a feeling of wanting to love? A yearning? .... Well - I think I have loved... and it was not excepted... and I should have realized that when a person doesn't believe me when I am telling the truth.. or A Truth... or a truth in the MOMENT... It would have been good to have said that to someone who was open and able to build in/onto that... Too bad I didn't understand the damage that person was still carrying... OH WELL... 

NOW - I am very tentative... AFRAID.. perhaps... really... Why put myself in the position to be rejected... Why open myself to rejection... like a thanksgiving a few years ago... Like other people... Oh well. OY!

My father ... did a job on my reputation... I may have done one on him... I wonder who was more right? Who was supposed to love and protect whom? What demands could who make? And the lasting shit is just that... SHIT...  My mother followed and/or did some leading... And my sister -- played the innocent... She didn't know.. She didn't see... or hear... Maybe that was true... but she also wouldn't listen to me... years ago when we were in our 20's, 30's. She wasn't so innocent as she was oblivious and wanted to stay that way. And -- so -- as I often said -- it was the three of them... plus whatever help they could hire or otherwise get. 

Helper... being a helper... that is what I think I am.. I help when I can, when I am needed, when I am aware of need. I don't necessarily go and look for needy people... but I am inclined to help... and to reject those who don't help... 

Next week.. I meet with the new/interim rabbi... I would like to be restored to doing most of the service I used to do.. Being gabbai is not necessarily appropriate... but the singing, davening, teaching (at Jonah) is what I hope for!!!

2026 Daily - 07/8/2026 -yesterday, this morning... ETC - lots of suggestions...

Yesterday -  brought Foxie back to Sarah. This morning... no doggy. Though her 8am breakfast call got me out of bed.

This morning -- told by Barry at CBH - contact the new Rabbi... which I did by email. 

And then - some pizza for breakfast w/coffee and some facebook where the idea/question came up: How do I feel when I am with the person of my relationship? Good question. I do wonder about the present, the past, and the FUTURE... But really - in the moment - when we are both present -- How do I feel?

SO - how do I feel? I am thinking and let me list...

comfortable AND at ease AND caring/compassionate AND careful about what I say and how AND turned on AND yet distant, physcially AND distance driving to her ... diffilcult AND anxous about my lifestyle/activities which are random and unfocused and not particularly productive one might judge (and am I being judged?) AND not very cared for... maybe? AND ????

How do I feel when aroung her? Do I feel smaller or bigger? Do I feel like myself without shrinking? Do I expand, grow, be more alive, vibrant...?

from the facebook:

Melissa Divaris Thompson

 

Follow

So many people confuse intensity with intimacy. If calm love feels unfamiliar to you, there is nothing wrong with you. You might just be touching an old wound that was never given language.

Healthy love feels steady. It feels safe. It feels like someone choosing you without making you perform for it.

If this sparked something inside you, I have more support, tools, and resources for healing your relationship patterns in the link in my bio. You are worthy of a love that stays

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the listing above is ... hmmmm... not so wonderful.  But it IS nice to have someone to hug, etc.

DO I feel good about myself? Am I being AUTHENTIC!

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DO TOGETHER... to build:



Shakira, Burna Boy · Dai DailyDo's - or do's sometimes...

1. Watch the sunrise together. 2. Watch the sunset in silence. 3. Take a long walk with no destination. 4. Visit a bookstore and pick a book for each other. 5. Go hiking and leave your phones in your pockets. 6. Have a picnic in the park. 7. Build a puzzle together. 8. Take a dance class. 9. Visit an art museum. 10. Go to a local farmer’s market. 11. Make coffee and talk for hours. 12. Cook a new recipe together. 13. Bake cookies from scratch. 14. Go stargazing. 15. Watch old home videos or childhood photos. 16. Create a shared playlist and listen to it on a drive. 17. Rent bikes and explore your city. 18. Visit a botanical garden. 19. Volunteer together. 20. Go thrift shopping and style each other. 21. Paint on canvases—even if you’re both terrible. 22. Take a pottery class. 23. Read your favorite book aloud to each other. 24. Write letters to your future selves. 25. Make a vision board together. 26. Visit an aquarium or zoo. 27. Play board games without keeping score. 28. Learn a new skill together from YouTube. 29. Have a movie night with homemade popcorn. 30. Go kayaking or paddleboarding. 31. Spend an afternoon at the beach or by a lake. 32. Visit a small town you’ve never explored. 33. Create a scrapbook of your memories. 34. Build a blanket fort and talk all night. 35. Go roller skating or ice skating. 36. Take photos of each other around your city. 37. Visit a library and discover something new. 38. Sit somewhere beautiful and ask each other meaningful questions. 39. Turn off your phones for a few hours and simply be present. 40. Watch airplanes take off and dream about future trips. 41. Make a playlist that tells your love story. 42. Go camping—even if it’s just in your backyard. 43. Learn each other’s favorite childhood games. 44. Have a “yes day” where you take turns choosing activities. 45. Plant flowers or start a small garden together. 46. Create a time capsule. 47. Drive with no destination and follow random turns. 48. Watch a meteor shower if one is happening. 49. Spend a day doing each other’s favorite hobbies. 50. Dream out loud about the life you want to build together

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THINGS TO DO:

read

write

walk

exercise

hike

bike

swim

paint

sculpt-pottery

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2026 Daily - 07/6/2026 - whoops missed yesterday - and DREAMS?

 Good morning!!!! And so things begin... fresh... No more Mourner's Kaddish... I need to remember that... She, Debbie, has been sent on her way. Blessings all.

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and now ... its 9:30pm ... and I''m hoping to get to sleep soon, early... in prep for tomorrow - Ava, bookclub, return Foxie, see Ellen and we go to Giants baseball game.\

Today's reading in R.Nachman... - do/follow Torah law .. and find a tzaddick...  And lots of advice on facebook... essentially - be here and now and authentic and true to oneself and one's desires and dreams.

And WHAT ARE MY DREAMS? MY PURPOSE? HERE, NOW...  Finally teach and lead about????!!! It is all about my Judaism and my travels and growth and bits of knowledge and hopes... and ????

AND just heard -- Sarah landed back in SFO... just now.... Tough travels I think.. heat and rain on East Coast... but she is back. YEA!

NOW -- off to brush teeth and get in bed... and sleep - perchance to dream.

2026 Daily - 07/4/2026

FROM YESTERDAY,,,, EVER SO IMPORTANT!!!  It is important for Ellen and I to talk about whatever is the US that is the US. Is there an "us"? Is there issues from the past? What is going on in the present... WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE??? I for one wonder about the future and I wonder what I can do and what will she be able to do .. ABOUT??? 

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and today: Met her brother Mark and his wife Alice. Had some dinner.. I was distracted and nervous w/Foxie there though she was good. 

They were watching The Producers - original one... I will watch soon on Kanopy.

No big sounds of fireworks tonight... so Foxie OK.

2026 Daily - 07/3/2026 - TALK!!! about ???!!

 It is important for Ellen and I to talk about whatever is the US that is the US. Is there an "us"? Is there issues from the past? What is going on in the present... WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE??? I for one wonder about the future and I wonder what I can do and what will she be able to do .. ABOUT??? 

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from thinking about R. Nachman of Bratzlov...

Truth, faith, forgetting.... FRESH - LIFE... !!!!

When we wake up to LIVE... and we are hopeful and positive in the new moment... That is wonderful. Being sad and negative .... hard and painful and NOT of THIS moment... HOWEVER - what if we are in some MIDDLE...  Content? Taking it easy... That is NOT what is good for The Future ... personal or communal. IMHO ... and in the Rabbi's???

2026 Daily - 07/2/2026 - second day in a row... again - and preview of tomorrow.... and well said tonight.

 Well... yes I am writing ... but what?

Services over. Breakfast was doubled oat bran -300 calories. And coffee, of course. Lunch? Dinner? We shall see... Weight was down.. that is good. See calendar for complete food info.

HIFU (High-intensity focused ultrasound) - Scheduled for late August... no biopsy this time. PET scan showed what and where and amidst confusions about drivers, etc... for biopsy - Doc said - lets just do the HIFU which would be very likely required and check w/Pet scan later. OK by me... I thought this would be workable myself.... SO... AOK.

AND today is/was the last time I will say Kaddish as it has been 11 months... and that is the right amount of time.

Walked the dog .. first thing this morning... about 30 minutes... may take her again at 10am... for same or longer walk. DID ... and then ended at Club.... but she didn't do much running and I didn't have any tennis balls, etc...

Went home... watched an episode of Spooks and had lunch... and now writing this.

WHAT IS THIS???? -- a log, a diary, thoughts, plans, histories...  It is a lot of things. It is a record of me.

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I sit here -- at about 10pm ... after reading some of Rabbi Noson's writing about Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlov... my hero??!!

AND I just talked with and touched Foxie who seemingly was having a bad dream. 

THE POINT... I care! I am a caring person ... if/when I see someone who needs care or in some way become aware of a need for care... It is not easy for me to show care ... I can spend some time... some money... some conversation.. some compassion and empathy as well as some personal stories..

From the Nachman/Noson reading -- the idea of forgetting and starting FRESH.. was really important to me. The past cannot be changed... we are here in the present and the future is unknown... That is Buddhism... but R. Nachman finds value and joy in forgetting... FORGETTING... and STARTING EACH DAY ANEW... FRESH... LIVING! A wonderful base from which the present and future may authentically, warmly, lovingly flow!

I CARE...  and I want to be cared for!! I have not been well cared for in the past... Close sometimes... BUT IT WAS ME.. who failed to take in whatever good came my way. I could have been more receptive and that would have been appreciated... BECAUSE -- the needs of anyone gives another anyone the opportunity TO CARE....  At least that is something I have recenlty thought about ... - When there are troubles... the troubles of others are opportunities for others to give, care, love... etc... We need opportunities to do Mitzvahs and we should take all opportunities.

And each day is NEW.. and no old regrets, grudges, mistakes need to enter TODAY. BE FRESH!

And now -- to sleep... good night... some reading before and maybe Ellen will call and we'll talk.. ABOUT???  (ahhhh.. tomorrow!)

2026 Daily - 07/1/2026 - back again...!!

 SO - the door is always open... The DOOR to where, what? And how and why? AAaaahhhhhh... me analysing... over analyzing ... And thus whether or not the door is open or shut -- I don't go through it!!!

So - what do i want? Where might it be? Why? THE HOW ... is - GO!

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now it is evening... I'm about to head to bed...

Quiet day.... Did find, finally, the duct tape... so affixed to car and we'll see. Also cleaned front car windshield... Walked dog a little and brought her to club .. twice. 

Got out some boxes and also got out a hammock but I need some longer chains....!!!

Had dinner and a black russian.

Tomorrow -- Thursday --- I'll have some eggs for dinner OR salad bag... !!, oat bran again for breakfast... and at lunch -- a bagel, turkey, tomato, lettuce, mayo... 

Services tomorrow morning.. maybe car shop... online and perhaps visit someplace in Davis...

Thats all... good night!

2026 Daily - 06/26/2026 - Rumi, prisons, open doors...

 Rumi -- from Steve's suggestion - specifically see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFx1pvq-1iI

"Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!
Why do you stay in prison,
When the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.
Flow down and down in always
Widening rings of being."

AND there is a lot more... Rumi.... !!!!

It is now almost 8pm... and I left a voice mail for Ellen about Saturday night... 

What is with me??? 

2026 Daily - 06/24/2026 - Today PURPOSE.... quest...

 What purpose shall I pursue today? There is a meeting of the Davis Chorale/Community Sing group tomorrow... I could: 

call Enterprise and CAPradio and TV stationS to see how to get on.... And at meeting - ASK: have we coordinated with other singing groups in Davis/Yolo? And who are they?

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For a new Jewish presence in Davis what is wanted, needed, etc...: a school; a place to study; a place to pray; a place to gather.... AND -- is it necessary for me to re-sent email that was sent? Well - I did, just now (6/24/26 at 8:17am).

For me - it is about who I basically am.... a singer, a sharer, a server, and more..... dare I say a believer? a person with some learning, a learner.... 

It would be something for me to really become a decent TEACHER!!! My last foray -- the talk about mourning/death rituals was really not well done. Maybe someday another chance...

I have done a wedding, a memorial/funeral, Shabbat services, High Holiday services...  and ???

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2026 Daily - 06/23/2026 - write??? PURPOSE???

 Well -- before writing ... let me get my bearings, so to speak, for TODAY. First -it is NOW almost 6AM - and I've been up for an hour or more... Time zones after traveling .... difficult on both ends - going and coming. NOW I get to sleep but awake early...  This will pass.

Upcoming biopsy has me anxious... Who will help me... be with me... This Thursday... I think I shall postpone biopsy for a couple of weeks. Stuff on Satursday night and dog-sitting and Sarah away and Ellen?? etc, etc... Just a little much....

As I sit here writing at this time ... I am cleaning up around the house in prep for Adrianna... I have let things explode a bit onto surfaces, etc... and I need to put things in their proper places. Did so in front of house... Next - bedroom. Then back into this office... after breakfast. Walking w/Ava and seeing Rachel... and then lunch and workout (upper body weights and more..)... - maybe car shopping before workout.

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Now it is near the end of the day.... Nice walk, saw Rachel, lunched on half of the chicken deal, worked out, read a bit... facebooked/reels, and now Brilliant Minds on Peacock...

==Some thoughts=== where am I? Who has helped me get here... without any support? Did I deserve support/appreciation/LOVE....

I did deserve love and appreciation and SUPPORT!!! and now I am wihout any immediate family.

I AM OBSESSING... I MUST STOP!!!!

I am just not sure who I am with or who is with me... AND then back at them... YET... 

Stop obsessing... Start something....!!!

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And... am I wasting time? Existing w/out purpose... THATS THE QUESTION... PURPOSE.... GOALS...WHAT DO I WANT? 

WHAT DO I WANT???!!!!

And -- where do I want to do it? With whom???!!!

etc.. etc..

2026 Daily - 06/22/2026 - and here again LOOK AND WRITE.... soon -- anti-anti-semetism, and more

 Back after trip to NYC... and Carneguie Hall.. more about that later..

Is fighting anti-semetism working? And who might it best be directed to.

What about -- leaders... and the recent Neurenberg movie... - Cry of Jerimiah, too. And Talmud?

2026 Daily - 06/15/2026 - Amy, Amy, Amy -- and stuff

 Ahhh... today - not a great day for Amy and me... however day is not over. She can hate me for not hanging out with her wholy on her terms. Or we will see if she can stop dragging me and my past into the present. I have asked her to not do that.. and she keeps doing it... and while she can probably justify it .. it still hurts and is something I will not abide. She has whatever her problems are... and they are not now me... nor were they me so much in the past, imho. YES I have accepted her feelings but I don't know if there was really any real evidence. I know I blew up in a bedroom scene and a camera thing in Africa...  and of course the Rosenthal living room scene. AND there was shouting between her mom and me and between me and S-2... and that was scary for her and I didn't fully realize that. It is for her to get counseling over that... and for her to trust me in the present... OR whatever... or not... I'm totally tired of the negativity and I am not interested in subjecting myself to it... since in the present and for many years we have not been at it. The fact is as I recall -- I was a pretty good father and patient to a fault sometimes. I get no respect for some of that... and so I am tired and uninterested in carrying on with fixing that which is not something I can fix. I can listen... and I do.. .BUT there is nothing more I can do... As one might say: Screw It.

I mean -- I have no control over Amy's feelings and her choices of behaviours. She, to my mind, is stuck hating what I did... and distrusting me, etc.. And - I can say the same about her behaviours. Control, control, control.... and I like my freedom! I don't interfere with her freedom and support her, too, and my "reward" is a major lack of respect! 

It is about 1:20pm... I've taken care of UCDavis parking, got appointments for biopsy and HISU, found out what I need to do in NYC for Senior Discount on Subways. 

2026 Daily - 06/14/2026 -

No endings in Jewish literature? ... as per Dara Horn... in her book; People Love Dead Jews. I think it was in Chapter 6 (I'm listening to the book so have a bit of confusion over where I am).

AND - Myth making... such as - Jewish names were changed at Ellis Island... That may not be true...she offers evidence... but in the end she also thanks for the mythmakers for the positive effect of that and other myths.. .It is  The Story... not the history that is moving! I might say that when both are in harmony ... A+...  AND as for name changing -- there is the movie with Gregory Peck titled: "A gentleman's agreement".... Free to watch at: https://watch.mometu.com/short/harry-gentlemans-agreement and maybe Netflix,

QUESTIONS... not to discuss or not to discuss anti-semitism... especially now that it is rampant and tied, correctly or INcorrectly, to Zionism. That is for another discussion... The thing is: antisemitism is real now, then, and tomorrow... with or without any mix with Zionism and the Middle East.

Another Question: What is good, bad, ugly about looking at the past and reviewing facts and conflicts with stories... An example I got taken in by was relative to Ft. McHenry of the War of 1812 and the Star Spangle Banner... Serveral years ago an exciting and compelling take on that story in animated form went around the Internet. It may still be there... and it was amazing but not true but a great STORY. A bit better than the truth that Francis Scott Key could see from his vantage point. 

So what is the points of deconstructing and re-constructing... Freedom of religion? Racism? Anti-semitism? etc etc...

2026 Daily - 06/13/2026 - World community and population - How do we get to simple?

 It is about 10:30pm... Just hung out at home today.... watched a bunch of tv including the Knicks game. I did go to Walnut Creek but I left early... I may have had a reaction to new meds taken incorrectly. I will fix tomorrow morning.

The Knicks won... That is WONDERFUL....  and I might be able to attend the ticker tape parade in NYC... I will be there on Thursday... the issue is coordination w/rehearsal... which takes precedence.

It is hot... and the fan in living room is effective and I suppose the one in the bedroom will be, too. Now I am in my office and I will need a fan here.

THE ISSUE for me to research and report/write on is The World Population and the web of relationships it has to greed, basic economic needs, resources, immigration, fertility, distribution, production... EVERYTHING... air, water, spirituality, too,  Dominance, control, tolerance, acceptance, hate, love...COMMUNITY....

THE WHOLE WORLD COMMUNITY!!!! The is THE issue... and it is wide and complex and yet..... maybe simple? THE question is... how can it be simple and how do we get there? - OR - How do we get to simple? <---- good title for a book?

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on a personal note... I sent a note about how I felt and she responded ... moderately. It will be interesting to see what develops! I hope... but reading what Amy thinks and feels leaves me with anxiety and doubts.

2026 Daily - 06/12/2026 - about on time

 Now... about 9pm... Friday talk w/Steve, lunch and plan for finance stuff stated... w/Andrew, some workout, dinner w/Neal at Buckhorn... home and some Spooks... Sad to hear about Alex and Ed... relative to Churchill....  Who's to care? Who's to do what? AHHhhhh..... stories.

Blood test.. ok... sugar high.. some other stuff high... not sure what to do except ... lose weight and lower carb intake.

Finished cookies and ice cream. 

Steak and broccoli salad available... as are bagels and cream cheese, etc... And eggs and cheese and mushrooms... 

Tomorrow night.. Knicks game... 5th game... they lead 3-1... Could finish it tomorrow... I hope so!!!!

NY trip coming up... Packing and practicing and stuff... 

Question for Amy???? Disturbance!!!!

2026 Daily - 06/11/2026

I hope home warranty person comes and fixes things!

Too bad I lost some thoughts yesterday! I think I know now how to better recover. Hopefully no more losses.

AND - last night here in California -- the Knicks Won... in a nailbiter I did not watch because it was making me too nervous... but they pulled it out - YEA!!!!

2026 Daily - 06/10/2026 - doing, being, Middle East history AND democracy! 9after losing text)

 To do or not to do... OR To be or not to be... OR BOTH!?

Earlier I lost some good writing... and this is an attempt to get some back...

First -- 

DEMOCRACY... 

As so many people vote for the least of the bad... OR they vote/don't-vote for a candidate based on Party while thinking both parties are essentially the same.

I think there have some basic differences in my lifetime. One difference I have asserted is the Democrats care about others in groups and as individuals while the Republicans care only care about individuals and each person for themselves. It may be the recent success of the Republicans is due to their addressing concerns that seem to be for groups such as males and/or whites and/or the wealthy.

There is a similarity when viewing the Democrats as caring about both individuals and diverse groups assertively. Democrats celebrate different groups and the individuals within those groups. Sort of equal concern for groups and individuals!

The groups addressed by the Republicans reach first towards individuals within groups. Be a man amongst men for example. Tolerate non-whites who behave as much as they can as whites. The goal is assimilation of the individual into the group.

AND there is ONE GROUP we are all part of in the USA and that is we are all USA Americans! Not "americans" because Latin Americans and Canadians and many others are also "americans". We in the USA are USA Americans and we have done very, very well!!!!

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cutting to a point:

As our political parties are viewed as being the same... and as one party - the Republicans - seems to be opposed to fascilitating voting and the fair participation of all people as they gerrymander arrogantly the time is not for ALL to vote for Demorcats for the sake of democracy. OR for the sake of democracy - vote for Democrats!

2026 Daily - 06/9/2026

 Funeral today. Taking Linda Sternberg there.

Earliet - walked w/Ava, took Rachel to Costco.... and now writing this. Stock market recovering a bit from a deep dip... probably due to war with Iran and the downed helicopter and promised retaliation. OY!

Oh .. and today is day after Knicks lost 3rd game of series and are now 2 and 1... ahead of the Spurs.

LATER --- work in backyard. As for lunch.... some bread and olive oil is on my mind. Dinner will be chicken wings from Wingstop. BTW - I DID OVEREAT last night... I should have not had the pizza... AND I knew it!!! OY!!!!

Adriana comes today... I have only slightly cleaned up ahead of her visit.  And I need to reset a lunch meeting w/Andrew.

Did not overeat or drink... 

Sprayed in back

Walked and also did elliptical

AOK day....

I had a thought... and lost it... oh well... story of my life. 

2026 Daily - 06/8/2026 -- ????? - Israel vs Rituals and Jewish Americans!!!??

 ah... it is early Monday morning... services ongoing... 

Postponing Tuesday meets... one lunch w/Andrew and the other Dermatology.... So I can attend funeral of Stu Bresnick. OY! Dermatology canceled... Andrew got my message and will get back to me. AOK.

WHAT is the Big Idea... for now, this time.... The idea generally always is NOW.. The Time Is NOW... Do it ... do it now. Do It Now.... DO IT NOW...  What IS is?!!!

What is the final frontier? Space? Time? Life? Death? Or is there an end to anything? If no end... how can that be stated? And is there IS an end... what does that mean?

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Israel vs Rituals, et al.

SO --- Israel has been a great yearning of the Jews for centuries. It is our homeland from which we have been exiled many times. Many times Jews have returned. Generally the returns have been pilgrims, I think, who decided to stay. There was no conquering of the land... just a re-population of the land by Jews. Sharing the land was the norm and purchasing bits and pieces over time the way to establish homes and villages and cities and today a country.

ALSO over the millenia - riturals and rules and ways to live as a Jews were established and followed by Jews living in Europe and Africa and Asia and the Americas... etc. 

And so - I can see many types of Jews... Can't you? I see secular Jews for whom Israel is THE thing. For others religious ways and means is THE thing. Then there are groups who meld both. Than there are groups who deny one or the other of those two pillars.

Is there a third pillar which can help all Jews find stability and solidarity!?

Perhaps that pillar is our ethics and morality and HUMANITY!!!  Our understanding that compasssion for ourselves and others is essential. That Lovingkindess is The Way. We can have and feel compassion but our acts of lovingkindess is how we move forward to true peace and tranquility. 

THE QUESTION then becomes - how to be compassionate and show/do loving and kind acts when the people to whom we might be so... are attacking and killing and further threatening us?  Our sage Rabbi Hillel boils it down to: If I am not for myself who am I? If I am only for myself what am I? If not now - WHEN?

And WHEN will others show us compassion and lovingkindness? Is RECIPROCITY important or not? Some might say - love your neighbor and turn the other cheek. We say - do no harm... and break bread together!

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Hmmm..... a thought about Jewish Americans or American Jews... Where are the Israeli Americans or the American Israelis???

There are: Irish Americans and Italian Americans and African Americans and Mexican Americans and Chinese Americans and Japanese Americans... OR perhaps those dual words can be reversed... BUT where are American Israelis or Israeli Americans???

I find that INTERESTING.... and cause for more thoughts and curiosity...

First - most American Jews or Jewish Americans are Jews with no direct ties to Israel. Certainly no recent historic ties to The Land. Yes -- a great yearning ... but in the USA... generations of Jews who's identity was not land based. The question remains, as noted above, what is the basis for one's Judaism? Perhaps when Israel is part of that identity with the millenia of yearnings the Israel considered is an ideal. Perhaps an unreal IDEAL! Or an Ideal to be REALIZED someday?! The someday would be the Days of Moshiach??!!! Days of Paradise on Earth... !!! A time of peace and love and abundance for all.

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ordered chicken wing deal... pickup at 3:15 on way back from visiting Jim.

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2026 Daily - 06/5,6,7/2026 - catchup

 It is late on the 7th.... I did not post yesterday (D-Day and Shabbat.. and got together w/Ellen and met her brother Louis.... and learned about a tv show, available on Peacock called.... Brilliant Minds - an Oliver Sacks based medicatl show). THEN the day before --- dinner w/Neal at Symposium, basic Friday - Rotary, Steve... a workout). AND today, the 7th -- woke-up w/Ellen, breakfast, a 2.7 mile walk at Lafayette Reservoir.. and back home and chilled and watched some tv (too much!!).

And now it is a bout 11:40pm and off to sleep very soon.

2026 Daily - 06/4/2026 - what today?

 It is now about 4am on the 4th... so obviously I am not getting good sleep from Wednesday, the 3rd to the morning of the 4th, Thursday. Looking at my calendar I see I have nothing on Thursday after the morning minyan so I expect to rest, nap, sleep!!! I hope that happens and works. Will see and write about it later!

I did ger rest. I got a burger and ate salad bag. I was on the elliptical for an hour and a half. Had pizza and beer w/Rick. 

Decided to pick up Foxy in afternoon of the 27th. easy and direct and clear/clean.

I two thirds thru watching To the End of the World on Prime... an older short series with Cumberbach.

It is almost 10pm and I will retire early!!! Up for Rotary and food bagging. Then Steve. Then a workout... Dinner w/Neal at Symposium. etc etc...

2026 Daily - 06/3/2026 - trying to keep up

 I am trying to keep up with this blog.... and am publishing things "before their time", i.e. before fully edited, vetted, completed. SO -- that is how it is... LIFE is not something well edited, vetted, completed... one might say!

Again today --- roller coaster stock market. Started lower for my etrade and now up (it is 8:21am).. At the end of the day????? -- HERE - up or down?

Today we get the results of primary elections and they say there are MANY mail in ballots to be counted in California - most of which they say are Democrats... and so will Steyer come up? Right now -- it is Hilton followed Bacerra followed by Steyer. A crazy/rude followed by a regular followed by a Good Business Type, imho.

Relative to Israel and anti-semitism ... Mamdani is still being a jerk. I hope HE burns himself out for his international views. I still have positive thoughts/feelings about his local social agenda. BUT MAYBE ... people vote, generally, on International Issues because they are so often disappointed in what happens locally against big business, etc.. The international level is beyond their lives and while their lives will not change they hope to see change for others. INTERESTING?!!

2026 Daily - 06/2/2026 - anti-semitism and What I need to do for me.. AND ME

 Resources for combatting anti-semitism...

https://www.jns.org/news/u-s-news/at-annual-forum-ajc-launches-playbook-to-combat-jew-hatred?utm_campaign=Daily%20Syndicate%20Emails&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9UE0JmJAzaeGbBjpWxGxHOD_XKPV4WW2SkO63oiSUQBAe_7sAqf_LZwHRUEkPzt1gUH2f6cz0EiNRgER2dvEXFwc2Iaw&_hsmi=137295126&utm_content=137295126&utm_source=hs_email

generally see:  https://www.jns.org/

===================

FOR ME... 

I need to be better able to answer questions about past people... 

What was my mother like? My father? My sister?

What is Ellen like?

What was ... past girlfriend and wives like...???

WHAT WAS THE ESSENCE OF THESE PEOPLE? WHO WERE THEY?

Who was I in relation to them? What was I doing???? Why? How? etc. etc... So many questions and so few answers at the ready! BTW - there are two answers... one just for me and one for others... Maybe several for several types of others..??? BUT FOR ME... brutal clear honesty might be useful, helpful, etc...

====================

Who am I???

I AM a caring person... and as such I AM A GOOD person... My problem is my memory for details and even macro stuff. I don't debrief much which would possibly help me remember things. When I travel alone ... that clearly is a lack... HOWEVER - I am still a good and caring and compassionate person. REALLY... I am told that.. I am told I listen (even if I don't remember stuff as well as the talker might hope).... And I truly ADMIRE those who are caring and who also remember... A point: if someone helps someone remember something from the past that was negative .. that is OK... since that negativity has been survived!!!! And if you help a person remember something good... well that's good, right! The past can't be changed ... ... it can be learned from and one thing to understand is I/YOU are STANDING HERE NOW!!!! You are ok! Things are ok... maybe even better/best/great! So there!

2026 Daily - 06/1/2026 - 1st of the month... DO's - AND two ways, balance, what DO I feel?

TODAY:  ride bike??? eat well... ?? (indian food w/Ava), usual workout....

Beginning of loose days of summer, i.e. - no anchor from chorus singing.\

AND see Jim... And some thoughts:

THOUGHTS:

It often seems to me there are at least two reasons for this, that and the other thing...

Aspirational feelings once upon a time. Now I am tentative... and also while stuff is good, easy... I am not sure of warmth. And politics is different between me and Ellen... Will that be the problem it seemed to be once... Will I be the bad guy insisting on at least discussionS. Or have I learned?

In the past ... I have jumped in early... aspiring. Did not learn enough to do what was right. I accepted not getting good responses... Didn't fully believe... NOW -- I am ... afraid.. to get it wrong... For my sake and the sake of the other... 

Communication.... Will I try? What will happend? Can we find a way to get closer...?? Geographically? And physically? 

WHAT DO I KNOW!!!! Am I warm or cool/cold? What is Ellen? We ARE comfortable, I think. We are something to each other. But - what??? For how long? Why? Where? OY!!!! More on this in next post.

2026 Daily - 05/31/2026 - big day.... music...

today... I will work out soon (it is now about 7am). Then rest, then Davis Chorale at about 3pm and then UCDavis University Chorus at Mondavi at 7pm. Big day!!! 

I hope to do a little something in backyard garden... At least some spraying (done)

... Maybe some pulling. Maybe some trimming (new trees "suckers? and maybe grapes some more).

Dreamt last night.. A women... who was refusing to do something ... I was only observing. Her objection was personal and intense and righteous and authentic. I think the issue was political. Note: I expect to join a (twice a month?) postcard writing group this Tuesday evening at 6pm at Andrew's house. TEN postcards to ???? for politics. 

I hope to see Ellen around concert Mondavi time. Sarah, too.

Last night I hosted poker/card game. Nice. I did not win... but hanging out with guys was good. Weird... but I did not have any alcoholic beverage. Just didn't want anything.... I did enjoy chips, salsa, guac, cookiers, grapes. I probably could have eaten less... but someone had to eat!

I heard from Sheera .... She got tiks for concert.  SO: Amy and a friend or two, Vic, Sheera and Mark, Mitch and Laura....  NICE. Should be a very nice day. Concert, drinks/snacks, Rocky Horror Show... and maybe late night dinner....

2026 Daily - 05/30/2026 - Sad news

 WELL... sad news came in email about Stu Bresnick... He got sick in April and has now returned home into hospice as infections and whatever were not able to be controlled. I have known him for quite a while!!! Very say. He is a good guy and I'm glad he is reported to be comfortable!!!!

Had a dream recently with Bruce Zweig in it and called him... and he and Linda are having their health issues. He fell and majorly hurt is back/buttucks. Pain.... and mobility are issues. Linda is having immune issues... Sad!!!

STRESS... stress is what those folks have had a lot of in their lives. Stu has been taking care of Linda, his wife for some time now. Bruce has had big relationship issues ... with his daughters. Very sad!!!

Makes ME THINK!!! and hope that things in my life and family will be fine going forward. Stress has been something I have mostly avoided, I think. My original nuclear family was The Issue .. and my relationships with women have suffered and might be sourced to how I was in that nuclear family and what I saw and what I got away from .... Though I can have regrets about gaps in my life and knowledge. As the Candide/Bernstein song says:

"And let us try, - Before we die,

To make some sense of life.
We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow...
And make our garden grow."

SO --- will I work in my garden!!!! I might. ... Can I? Can I get some help? Some guidance. Some instruction....!!! I have a garden now!!! I CAN DO IT....!!!

There is so much going on ... so much to do... 

Today I did a lot of rehearsing.... And tomorrow - the big concert in Mondavi... as well as a smaller concert at Community Church...Sing sing sing!!!\

AHHH... and where is the LOVE!! Love for ... me, for my daughters, for my girlfriend, for my friends..... for family - here and there... WHAT DO I WANT TO DO ... ABOUT ???? ARTHUR, SUSAN, OTHERS????     And I must keep in touch with Cindy and Joanne and Paul Gruber, too... and folks from Vietnam and other trips.

Joan and Greg and Robin Yerdon.. etc... etc...

2026 Daily - 05/28/2026 - solidarity and Israel

 Solidarity amongst like thinking/feeling people is long often sought so as to effect change. This has not worked and does not work.... ONLY a homogenous grouping of people around a very few issues can bring about a force for change. Grand Coalitions do not work...  Too many animosities need to be forgotten and ignored with the result being a very loose, at best, grouping of people who as soon as they have success in the MacroWorld (i.e. national political success) fall out locally with the later result that the macro success is destroyed by micro successes. Or Excesses!

Today I am reading an article about the anti-Zionism of the Bund while also reading in the news about the boycott of Israeli products in the Park Slope Brooklyn neighborhood. At least for Jews -- we are outsiders and our interests and needs are to be shunned... that's the message. Israel should lay down its defensive arms while offensive arms and ways are tolerated for the "palestinians".  There is no balance and no fairness and no compassionate understanding and it is the Jewish State that is wrong - no matter what it does, doesn't do, tries, etc..

IF there was an attempt to be fair and balanced and understanding -- maybe there could be peace. Without acceptance of Israel and Jews in the Middle East and in the World ... defense and offense by protectors of Judaism and historical ties to the Land of Israel will be what we need to do!!! No one does it for us. We do get help sometimes but truly counting on outside help to come in a timely way is not a viable (living) option. Each of us and all groups as such stand alone ultimately. READ THIS.... and consider its truths.

2026 Daily - 05/27/2026 - Oslo and new routine!!!!

 Well ... FIRST -- will I get back to more regular DAILY entries here!?? We'll see, won't we!

TODAY - teeth cleaned, cardiologist, began new medication. Have not yet worked out (it is 4:30 and I plan to zoom meet listen to Thomas Friedman, postponement of zoom with travel friends, found and BOOKED at trip to Norway on Hurtigruten in late December when I hope to see Northern Lights aka Aurora Borealis... Good deal was found...and took a slightly better cabin (refurbished).... and next will have to setup flight. Looking forward to being in Oslo and seeing Vigeland Sculpture Park!!!!! After that...??? while in there...???? For Oslo I need to find out: where does the ship leave from, what hotels nearbye AND close to Vigeland.... Arrive a couple of days early and/or stay an extra day? Both?

On Memorial Day had brunch and dog walk time with Sarah and Foxie. NICE... Note was my HEAVINESS of subjects... especially as I am thinking about mortality... as per medical (cardiology, weight, prostate and AGE!!!). I really do need to essentially lighten up!!! It WAS memorial day...!!!

Today - weather weird as it was yesterday, too. Yesterday we had a rainy thunderstorm! Today - cloudy. I did do a LITTLE work in garden. Trimmed grape vines. I do think I may have to get some maintenance people in... OR really get into a routine. 

I would like to get into a routine of:

walking

gardening

writing

and workout, too...

AHHH.... routines!!! Good Habits!!! Finally!???

I need to sort things in house, toss things, donate things... There is a lot to get rid of ..and/or replace/update! AND TAX/finance help!!!

A NEW CAR!!! -- Already!!! The Lexus is prime!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/25/2026 - Memorial Day

 I've got a flag ... for my father -- who did not see any combat and barely served - though is two brothers did. One in the Pacific (Morris, as a cook/baker) and one in Europe (Morris, Battle of the Bulge, plus).

2026 Daily - 05/22/2026

 And today ... it is about 11am -- I've sprayed in the back garden... as well as some pulling. Did not go to Rotary... I needed extra sleep. Weight was good and stock market soaring. Crazy!

Watched most of last Colbert show...

Now listening Children of Men... now a Quietis being described... and people not being allowed to change their minds... using butts of rifles... Not very nice!

Soon - some breakfast and then workout! Perhaps I will walk there and back...

Later dinner w/Neal at Katmandu. Talk about physics.... much i did not understand....

===================

COOL - just got email and I made a call about house warranty problem. SO - they are on it... now? We will see!!!! I hope! (time now: 12:42pm).

Off to workout!!!! did it... pretty good.

2026 Daily - 05/21/2026 - Seven Days... since last time.. TRUST is the issue... and catching up!

 Really - seven days since last post... and a lot of the time I have been in the house.. SICK... or feeling sick. Might have been severe allergies. Nevertheless... I didn't blog, didnt' do a lot of things... and now getting back into stuff...

Worked out yesterday. Today - lucked, I hope, into meeting a guy who did a fix on my car. Looks better. Not so noticeable. Kind of ok... Not needing duct tape... not hanging. OK!

Also went to a meeting (Chorale group preps for October Sing), got Dos for lunch (for at that meeting) went to rehearsal of UCD Chorus, went to morning services.. where there was not a minyan!!! And couldn't get onto a Shavuot zoom at CBS... about the future of conservative judaism...

It is Shavuot tonight... Torah study time. And dairy!!! I have some ice cream!!! Soon to eat.

There have been some idea floating around. For one... a group of issues for the book club to consider relative to Children of Men.. and me reading Staring at the Sun, too. DEATH... 

There was the musing about TRUST...  Trust is THE thing for soo much... Personal relationships, world relationships, my own self, too. SO:

Do I trust myself? About what? How? WHY?

Do I trust girlfriend... (s)...??? Maybe ... maybe not. Maybe it was me ... maybe them... Maybe I was blind...

Do I trust my family? Well parents and sister are gone. Cindy has a mate with issues (dementia??). Sheera - ok... but I don't hear enough from her. Mitchell... interestingly dependable...!!!! Arthur - meh. 

FRIENDS?? - who are they? How close are we? DO I REVEAL MYSELF??? Do they?

Then the government(s) - local, regional, national, international.... ALL messed up!!!

Hmmm... COMMITTEES... legislatures... - they move slowly - into and out of things. One COULD trust them once they move...??!!

Courts.. - MEH!!!

Anything else? - MEDICAL -- besides coughing and congestion.. which is over, I think... The cardiology stuff is not yet settled and earlier today I talked the Mark my urologist... and a biopsy and maybe another ablasion is being scheduled. Although things may be ALRIGHT!!

Also - I have had a negative experience w/Home Warranty folks and I need to call again since they didn't show as PROMISED!!!!

I am toying with the idea to have gardeners come back and update backyard for me.... Maybe even set up and regular visit by them. Probably a good idea!!!!!!!

Stock market -- ROLLER COASTER..!!!

Trip to NYC now includes in addition to Rocky Horror Picture Show w/Amy.. the play: The Fear if Thirteen w/Adrian Brody - about capital punishment.... and a life saved.

AND wbat about future travel? Probably Ireland with Group. Maybe Japan... me!!! And Korea? India? A long trip???? piecing several tours together???

 

2026 Daily - 05/14/2026

 and it is now almost 10am -- went to zoom services, now having breakfast AND on phone with citi bank because card was denied... I hope this is taken care of quickly and efficiently.

I am feeling pretty good today. I expect to go to 4pm rehearsal as well as to costco and coop for water.

Went to Costco... got some groceries but without costco credit card not worth getting gas... and inconvenient.  Almost couldn't get the groceries! BUMMER... 

I find myself in a funky period. I am going to take a nap and then go to rehearsal and after that get gasoline somewhere for travel this weekend.

=====================

now - end of day... will watch a bit more of LEXX - but I don't think I will recommend it to anyone - including myself. 

I have yet to followup about dishwasher... I am frustrated, disappointed... will not recommend them... soon. I need a shower... Rehearsal was ok... I am not fully well. Only about 90 percent at best. Will take some nyquil soon and get into bed early. May go to Rotary ... if I awake by myself. Am canceling early alarm.

I did go to chabad class... and asked about levi and the army and study.. and the arm. In Israel... as that is quite the controversy.

Did not workout... maybe tomorrow .. or may restart on Sunday.

Had a black russian drink.. and saurkraut w/beef sausanges. I have one more portion of that. And for a treat... kettle corn.

2026 Daily - 05/13/2026 - what to do about DISAPPOINTMENTS

 Well.. I am feeling better, almost healthy. I did take a lot meds (antihis, decongest, tylenol, expectorant, and cough med). SO - 3 hours later -- I am feeling ok and just got up from an hour long nap. Awoke to prepare for RJ volunteer thing but when I checked email for a link to the zoom was told things were canceled for today - kid had a field trip. Oh well... Will see if future dates work.

SO.... what might I do today to get on track for a purposeful life?

WELL - my mind easily goes to purpose relative to Jews in Davis. I used to be part of the community, then was removed by transient rabbis who obviously had their own problems, now don't really want to join back up ... but I have offered my services to them... but have not heard back. The psychology about this may have to do with my father's assertions that my father was boss at home while the men in the congregation were bosses there because they did not rule at home. MESSED up thinking, for sure. The only way I think I could feel ok back at CBH would be with restoration of my roles on the bimah at the high holidays. That return and that visibility could assuage my sensibilities. 

On the other hand -- there have always been alternatives to CBH. For one - the Walnut Creek congregation. In addition to that .. Hillel at Davis, Chabad in Davis, and beyond... The Federation in Sacramento could be one, too.

SO - what do I, would I -- want to accomplish? Basically the encouraging youths to participate and grow our ways. IF we want youths -- we need to have them want us, others, oldies, youngies, themselves!... Leadership programs? Creative programs (new prayers, art, music???). And the idea I once had for a lighting system in the CBH sancturary based on the kabbalistic symbols and shape - the Sefirot. With todays LED's the structure could be metal or wood or even plastic? The basic shape and looks and words are prescribed by the symbol.. it is a matter of making it.

=============================

again... lots of this coming from reading Staring at the sun... by Yalum

About what am I disappointed? Not becoming as Astronaut or somehow involved in the Space Programs? Not becoming a Rabbi or more in harmony with myself - a CaMayntor? I am also disappointed about how I was as a Father and Husband and Friend. Lots of disappointments!! Maybe also not becoming a Counselor/therapist...  SO - so many things to do now... while there is still time!

One thing to look into again.. Chaplancy. And putting myself out in some way to be a Cantor. IF lived near a Space Base -- I might consider becoming a Docent. And as for Fathering -- I can talk and do what I can with my adult children. Friendships can be improved and as for a husband - well - maybe that ship has sailed though I wonder what would happen if I put that on my Profiles -- Find someone to whom I could be a good husband!

WHAT might have been? What may yet be? 

So disappointments feed regrets... Regrets about the past may suggest a future. Considering the future and regrets to be... why? Live so there won't be future regrets. FULFILL ONE'S POTENTIAL.... What is my potential?  What does Consummate one's life mean? Should I read Nietzche? "Thus spake Zarathustra" ??? And what about Shopenhauer? And other DISTRACTIONS!!!!

Maybe my traveling has been a distraction. It has also been a quest... Looking for something? SomeONE? Someplace? My THING is music, singing, leading others in song.... (like from the bimah). The ONE is not yet clear. And place ... is home in Davis though I suppose that is moveable.

2026 Daily - 05/12/2026 -- Tuesday, still sick..AND Who Am I?

Hanging in here... may be getting better. Cough mostly gone. Headache is better after taking decongestant. Interestingly -- I had "acid reflux" in morning for about 40 minutes. Nasty feeling. Being sick may be a way to lose weight.... Today I am not feeling like eating and will probably eat less than usual. Tea and honey w/lemon juice... on the menu. And breakfast/protein bar(s). At lunch I'll have some sausage and sour kraut from what I made yesterday... IF I FEEL LIKE IT... May not. Or soup (tomato, also made yesterday). Yesterday I was feeding a cold.  I may have had a fever. Poor night of sleep... but I think naps and tonight will be ok.

Ahh. stock market -- big 2 percent dip... as of about 10am. Some recovery as of 10:17. Rollercoaster!!!

Send an email to morocco place David Copp suggested. I wait. AND put in a claim for leaky dishwasher. I wait... The warranty folks are trying to schedule something. Seems cool.

Ave/Eva just brought over robotussin AND tea cookies and fruit salad. VERY kind of her!

===================

it is now a bit after 3pm... coughing, nosal dripping, headache.... NOT great. I could certainly feel better!!!!

Just read in VIA from AAA about Route 66... THAT would be a DRIVE!!!! And AARP had some info about car safety issues.

========================

SO - who am I? Am I living MY full life? What would a full life look like for me?

This is coming from sources quoted in the book: "Staring at the sun" which is about death anxiety and its mirror image - life anxiety. Do I dare live???? TIMING is now relative to my age (almost 77) and the end of saying Kaddish for my sister and before her my mother and before her my father. I say I AM FREE... and yet am I acting/behaving, thinking, feeling FREE?? I wonder and often say NO... but then I don't know WHAT TO DO! It is always a matter, for me, to DO SOMETHING... and that is different than BEING SOMETHING/SOMEONE....

I have an impulse to retreat. To not attach. Yet I do attach but with some tentativeness. I think about burning bridges more than building bridges. I don't want to be bothered or bother to figure out how to be?!

What SHALL I do?!!!

2026 Daily - 05/11/2026 -- Monday and I'm sick..

 I have a cold or the flu or The Flu? In any case yesterday I stayed home, rested, had soup, and meds (expectorant, vit. C, some tylenol, too). Today - more of the same and tomorrow, too, I think. I will miss meeting w/Jim and going to Chorale rehearsal. Tomorrow - might miss rehearsal, and seeing Rachel... 

Mostly what I have is congestion, coughs, some diarrea (depending on what I ate... more than illness, I think).

SO -- more reading, and too much TV., and maybe some piano for my singing groups...

===============

took a nap... one hour... and also just took (about noon) an antihistomine for my headache which I am thinking is caused by congestion. We'll see.

=============

Earlier lookup my old Camp Loyaltown and found that today is keeps going to disabled kids and even adults. In my day it was for poor kids and my parents may not have had to pay. NOTE: the camp is noted in an art work at MOMA.

2026 Daily - 05/10/2026 - Mothers Day in soo many ways!

 One could wonder, I could wonder, Do I wonder? About - Mothers Day.... now that my mother is no longer alive and neither is my sister. Last year Debra would have celebrated Mothers Day or at least thought about it, I imagine. Today I NOTE it. I think about Susan Hildreth and other mothers I know. They all did what they did... best they could, I imagine, and the outcomes are very good I think and hope. We don' choose our mothers and we are generally powerless in regards to them for quite a while... Then when we find our own power, our own strengths -- what do we then think and feel about our mothers? 

For some reason I was asked when I was a child -- who do you like, love better - mom or dad? My answer was my father - for some reason. And the idea that my father ruled ... was not necessarily true... though that was the assertion and I generally accepted that... and I had little to do with my mother and not a lot to do with my father. WHO knows??? - Maybe I realized the truth!

In my life as a father and husband I did what looked like what my father successfully did - however maybe it was all bluff, all ???? I yelled and was an angry husband and then to some extent ... an angry father. I certainly did not give a lot of praise to my daughters .... and I realized too late they needed  that... or at least could have benefited from more praise. I often have expressed appreciation but that is not the same thing... Bottom line -- I was not a person who loved well... neither my wife or my children or girlfriends, etc etc..OR so I think, feel, say to myself.

========================

Just off tanya class... Seemed impossible for me to follow and understand, etc I've got to NOT attend these...it almost hurts.

2026 Daily - 05/9/2026 - Truth, Jews AND feelings and failings...

What do we KNOW is true? And when what we know to be true is not true .. .what do we do? Some double down and push/assert the old truths since they may be, especially if historical, useful backings to the myths of today.

A recent book review looked at books about the American Revolution and its effect on other countries who soon after had revolutions, etc. France, Haiti, and perhaps Italy and Germany... and others. In the "new" telling we were not the great inspiration many of us may think and BELIEVE... Ahhh.. BELIEF!

Let me turn to us Jews ... who are literate, intelligent, etc etc... in apparently higher per capita than other groups. Are we genetically superior? Was there some natural selection events that favored us? 

Here is a sequence of hateful asserted perceptions: anti-Israel, anti-Judaism, anti-semitism, anti-Zionism, anti-Israel, AND AGAIN... ANTI-SEMITISM...  to cover all the past "antis". In each case I would suggest there were instances that justified the sentiments in a small percentage of cases... yet the "hate", fear, angers were amplified for purposes of some.... Some who were in power and wanted more power. Some who may just have liked hating. 

ONCE upon a time for some reason I thought hate was ok... IF I hated one thing, person, etc... in one year and then moved onto to some other subject. I could have said the same thing about LOVE...  Or in other words - have limited but very strong passionate feelings about something for a while!

Back to us Jews... What is true about us? And special - if there IS something special...

One thing that comes to mind is we are a people who look to our Torah as the source of all. It is a book. It is full of stories and laws and there is history and instruction. Following on the importance of the Torah comes the idea that we were and are an unusually literate people BUT - who had books and who could read? Perhaps as there were few books there were few readers and few people who could read... BUT we had laws, etc from the Torah... the Five BOOKS of Moses... and we heard, listened, and remembered teaching from the Torah delivered by the few who themselves may have had copies to read and could read ... or who had great memories. The common people did not have books and probably did not and could not read. Why bother? As for Jews who were learned and who served Christian overlords as ministers or managers ... were they not another minority!?

YES - those minorities in our communities were highly respected... I can grant that... and so when printing begins in the late 1400's and emancipations from ghettos, etc.. happen - Jews do what they have seen as respectable and now acceptable and always a means to a good life. We learn to read and write and the idea, myth, that Jews were a literate and especially learned people really arises in the 1500's and later... much to our good fortune and advantage. 

It is not genetic... it is social. It was permitted and it was grasped for its utility! Is that The Truth? Or is my telling of the story with only a vague grasp of history and historical facts ... missing something? Is it the essence of Sophmoric? Maybe....

=================

Failing... - Not enough praise for my daughters... too much "realism"... instead of inspiration and appreciation... AND - a Yod for Amy and the fixed candle sticks for Sarah....

Also failed myself.... not recognizing what I did was valuable ... to me and to others. Not having compassion, appreciation, respect for myself... OY!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/8/2026 - today's theme??? and SEX

 It is early now - about 7:45am ... I didn't go to Rotary... am having some coffee. Paper newspaper was not on driveway otherwise I would be out in back yard w/my coffee... Markets went down yesterday and are recovering this morning. Rollercoaster!!!!

I'm reading a couple of books by Irvin D. Yalom .. 

one: Staring at the sun (about the psychology of thinking about death)

from Amazon:

"Written in Irv Yalom's inimitable story-telling style, Staring at the Sun is a profoundly encouraging approach to the universal issue of mortality. In this magisterial opus, capping a lifetime of work and personal experience, Dr. Yalom helps us recognize that the fear of death is at the heart of much of our anxiety. Such recognition is often catalyzed by an "awakening experience"―a dream, or loss (the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job or home), illness, trauma, or aging.

Once we confront our own mortality, Dr. Yalom writes, we are inspired to rearrange our priorities, communicate more deeply with those we love, appreciate more keenly the beauty of life, and increase our willingness to take the risks necessary for personal fulfillment."

two: Becoming myself: a psychiatrist's memoir. 

from Amazon:

"Irvin D. Yalom has made a career of investigating the lives of others. In this profound memoir, he turns his writing and his therapeutic eye on himself. He opens his story with a nightmare: He is twelve, and is riding his bike past the home of an acne-scarred girl. Like every morning, he calls out, hoping to befriend her, "Hello Measles!" But in his dream, the girl's father makes Yalom understand that his daily greeting had hurt her. For Yalom, this was the birth of empathy; he would not forget the lesson. As Becoming Myself unfolds, we see the birth of the insightful thinker whose books have been a beacon to so many. This is not simply a man's life story, Yalom's reflections on his life and development are an invitation for us to reflect on the origins of our own selves and the meanings of our lives."

AND WHAT ABOUT ME... me me me .... This IS my blog, my journal... and it is meant to preserve my thoughts and by writing to improve, develop myself.... SO:

I faced death quite closely when I had my pulmanary embololism... I was lucky in several ways ...  and recovery was not too long in happening AND was accompanied by weight loss. I was in the 280 region and got down to the 225 region. And now I'm back up!!!  I It has been SIX years since that event and I never say I was afraid or effected by that brush with mortality. I AM SOOOO INSENSITIVE!!!!! 

Yalom's Becoming Myself book addresses COMPASSION... and while I think I express compassion to others ... I don't think I treat myself with compassion. I don't appreciate myself. I don't take enough good care of myself health/eating-wise. I DO exercise and I DO see doctors... but I don't always take the medications they suggest - though once I start certain meds I do take them daily as prescribed. 

AND as for the "me me me" assertion above ... do I present myself such or am I viewed as caring? I fear I am NOT seen as caring ... even as I have caring thoughts in my head and I try to behave in caring ways and help in caring ways.  

FOR NOW: oy

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Aaahhhh.... SEX - Sex, sex, sex,.....

For me - diminishing!!! Diane (condom), Deanne (disinterest and thickness size issue, Prostate, Susan (suddenly find I am unable to have strong erection), Ellen (not sensitive nor interested in having oral sex done to her). I must say -- I am not very happy with myself and my performance and what I can do or am allowed to do.

I have heeded Ellen's disinterest ... but I don't like the IMBALANCE....  I'm not sure what we are doing and why and where things are or will go... SO something is missing and we are not talking about anything, really. COMMUNICATION!!!!! Not initiated by me, tolerance of anything from her, and clarity, certainty... not present. SO - what is my comfort level? What do I want to change? Change would allow me to see other people... locally, etc... THAT is what I want to be able to do ... with a clear conscience based on clear communication. And when? What time is right to have The Conversation?

OY!!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/7/2026 - Giving Day and Parents/Adult Children....

BIG Day of Giving here in Davis/Yolo... Did some donating... and thinking: What would I like to support, help -- that I did not see? An organization that brings parents and children back together .... after their estrangement... whoever had responsibity and hopes. NOTE: children sometimes live now for extended periods of time with parents -- economics... ON THE OTHER HAND/SIDE - parents live with their children as parents age... economics, other? Where is one's tribe, village, community? Who is it? WHY Has this been invented yet? WHERE? Check and communicate, ask... how are you doing it? Is it being done?? Drugs may be involved by either end/generation. Resentments, missed opportunities, disappointments, other? I wonder....????

Toxic parents, difficult circumstances, changing norms (the times, the ages of people, other?), difficult children, Generational gaps.

GOOGLE Searches:

bringing parents and adult children together

Unhealthy parent-adult child relationship

Bringing parents and adult children together pros and cons

Healing parent and adult child relationships

Parent adult-child relationship Questionnaire

AND - my personal experiences and those of my daughters... and ??? 

Me and my parents, Bruce and his daughter(s), Linda/Phil, Deanne/Eliana, Dea/Ben, Ellen??, others? Marilyn Groth? 

NOTE: I often felt shame, embarassment, WRONG... And I may have exhibited JUDGMENT about how others were dealing with such stuff. A QuESTION: With whom does one talk about such things? As a model - when is it ok to talk about marriage problems outside of the married couple? Some think - never.. I have wondered for myself as I have struggled committing in a relationship and with my daughters - what would be short answer(s)? 

An answer to the question - is it the parent's fault???? - One answer is yes/always since children learn how to relate from their parents ... so - what goes around comes around!!!! WHICH I HAVE ESSENTIALLY REALIZED AND STRUGGLED AGAINST..  - sometimes poorly but often the point was in my mind ... I did not want a repeat of what was between my parents and me to be what defined the relationship I have with my children, adults!

On another hand ... but not really, fully is that as in my case I could have used warm supportive positive parenting but my father was sure that challenging me was THE WAY... it worked for him... if he was told he couldn't do this or that then he would prove whomever said that wrong... I understood that was my father's way and he was proud of himself for accomplishing what he did... BUT I was not him... and FYI he would say he understood and practice psychology in his business so he succeeded in selling people because he understood them and worked on their ways... MAYBE I realized I was being treated one specific way and as I didn't respond I also didn't know how to access any other way. We lived rather isolated.... minimal contact with two out of three uncles... no aunts or grandparents...except my mother's mom who was not well treated/respected by my mother... What goes around comes around!!!! My parents got what they made... an insensitive son who needed to get away and protect himself and his family which I did by limiting/not visiting!!!!

BIG OY!!!!

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today is a big day of people...

services, meeting w/UCD finance guy, lunch w/Ava at Korean Rest., rehearsal, beer w/David Copp.

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just saw finance guy... and seems I can setup an annuity that they get when I die... and which until then will generate non-taxable income... IF 7 percent annuity on 50K = that is 3500 per year. Paid quarterly... Interesting.

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Practicing Bernstein choral piece -- Make our garden grow... It is sad for me... at my age. Do I have a future when my garden can grow and will I see it's fruits! I hope so!!! AAaahhhh... LIFE!!!

2026 Daily - 05/6/2026 - writing about parenting... and trips. BALANCE... And Mother's Day coming up

 Nice dinner and hangout with Jonathan last night. He now drives a LUCID... 75K, all electric. Interesting.

Today is a pretty wide open day!!! A couple of zooms. It is now about 8am... and a good workout should begin at about 9am. AND THEN -- there is a pre-prepared martini in my fridge which has been there since Sunday (today is Wednesday) and the olives in the vessel need to be eaten and the glass frosting in the freezer needs to be used... SO --- as the clouds are in the sky I think this will be a wildly and truly wasted day... THOUGH I may try some writing or editing or prepping my and/orBlog... AAHHhhhhh.. Writing  - that is my passion. As I write here and now --- it shows. As I think about wanting to be read, listened to or just heard, and have a purpose .. Writing is IT. Teaching through writing.

A PROJECT - my parents and I and other parents and their kids ... Source of woes - the parents and their wishes and hopes and preferences and the shadow they throw on relationships. Even I was subjected to that though my insensitivity or shame meant I didn't realize certain things about my parents and which i obvious to some other young people... SO - what is to be done!???

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on another note: TRAVEL... Japan, South Korea, Morocco, Croatia/Turkey, India, China. THOSE are places I would like to see and which I have never been.  For relaxing - Hawaii and/or Fijis....?? Or again to Thailand, north.

I have not been to the northern part of Thailand and there they do cooking and massage and maybe I could do a short expat thing there.

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And - in a couple of days -- Mother's Day. Will there be a Whole Earth Festival on campus??? I think they are putting stuff up. so yes.

What shall I do? Send something to Susan Hildreth? Get something for Ellen? And others???? Maybe Sheera, Samantha, Helene....Holly, and Linda and Dea?

And say something at Hillel - to the prideful!? Such as:

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You are all beautiful... though some of you are more handsome and others are more pretty and essentially - words don't always feel right even if the feelings generating the words are loving.

AND sometimes the words are ok, right, loving but the person expressing those words has negative feelings at root. 

However -- Mixed Feelings are probably most common and those feelings and the words expressed may confuse and may hurt and may be twisted. Dare I say that mixed feelings are essentially feelings that are mixed up and further - the expressions of those feelings in words is sometimes messed up!

Rabbi Hillel said - Don't do to others that which you would not want done to you... Do no harm. What we can do is be strong and certain about who we are and be compassionate to all - oursevles and others. 

I had a messed up relationship with my parents and significantly I was not healthfully strong. I had some very difficult times with my two daughters... but thankfully and hopefully we are in a good place now .... after counseling and work to be a family. I recommend counseling. I recommend work. I wish you all well!

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I want balance... not dominance. EQUALITY!!! In all things. Compassion, acceptance, tolerance... Including, especially with Intimacy