2026 Daily - 06/15/2026 - Amy, Amy, Amy -- and stuff

 Ahhh... today - not a great day for Amy and me... however day is not over. She can hate me for not hanging out with her wholy on her terms. Or we will see if she can stop dragging me and my past into the present. I have asked her to not do that.. and she keeps doing it... and while she can probably justify it .. it still hurts and is something I will not abide. She has whatever her problems are... and they are not now me... nor were they me so much in the past, imho. YES I have accepted her feelings but I don't know if there was really any real evidence. I know I blew up in a bedroom scene and a camera thing in Africa...  and of course the Rosenthal living room scene. AND there was shouting between her mom and me and between me and S-2... and that was scary for her and I didn't fully realize that. It is for her to get counseling over that... and for her to trust me in the present... OR whatever... or not... I'm totally tired of the negativity and I am not interested in subjecting myself to it... since in the present and for many years we have not been at it. The fact is as I recall -- I was a pretty good father and patient to a fault sometimes. I get no respect for some of that... and so I am tired and uninterested in carrying on with fixing that which is not something I can fix. I can listen... and I do.. .BUT there is nothing more I can do... As one might say: Screw It.

I mean -- I have no control over Amy's feelings and her choices of behaviours. She, to my mind, is stuck hating what I did... and distrusting me, etc.. And - I can say the same about her behaviours. Control, control, control.... and I like my freedom! I don't interfere with her freedom and support her, too, and my "reward" is a major lack of respect! 

It is about 1:20pm... I've taken care of UCDavis parking, got appointments for biopsy and HISU, found out what I need to do in NYC for Senior Discount on Subways. 

2026 Daily - 06/14/2026 -

No endings in Jewish literature? ... as per Dara Horn... in her book; People Love Dead Jews. I think it was in Chapter 6 (I'm listening to the book so have a bit of confusion over where I am).

AND - Myth making... such as - Jewish names were changed at Ellis Island... That may not be true...she offers evidence... but in the end she also thanks for the mythmakers for the positive effect of that and other myths.. .It is  The Story... not the history that is moving! I might say that when both are in harmony ... A+...  AND as for name changing -- there is the movie with Gregory Peck titled: "A gentleman's agreement".... Free to watch at: https://watch.mometu.com/short/harry-gentlemans-agreement and maybe Netflix,

QUESTIONS... not to discuss or not to discuss anti-semitism... especially now that it is rampant and tied, correctly or INcorrectly, to Zionism. That is for another discussion... The thing is: antisemitism is real now, then, and tomorrow... with or without any mix with Zionism and the Middle East.

Another Question: What is good, bad, ugly about looking at the past and reviewing facts and conflicts with stories... An example I got taken in by was relative to Ft. McHenry of the War of 1812 and the Star Spangle Banner... Serveral years ago an exciting and compelling take on that story in animated form went around the Internet. It may still be there... and it was amazing but not true but a great STORY. A bit better than the truth that Francis Scott Key could see from his vantage point. 

So what is the points of deconstructing and re-constructing... Freedom of religion? Racism? Anti-semitism? etc etc...

2026 Daily - 06/13/2026 - World community and population - How do we get to simple?

 It is about 10:30pm... Just hung out at home today.... watched a bunch of tv including the Knicks game. I did go to Walnut Creek but I left early... I may have had a reaction to new meds taken incorrectly. I will fix tomorrow morning.

The Knicks won... That is WONDERFUL....  and I might be able to attend the ticker tape parade in NYC... I will be there on Thursday... the issue is coordination w/rehearsal... which takes precedence.

It is hot... and the fan in living room is effective and I suppose the one in the bedroom will be, too. Now I am in my office and I will need a fan here.

THE ISSUE for me to research and report/write on is The World Population and the web of relationships it has to greed, basic economic needs, resources, immigration, fertility, distribution, production... EVERYTHING... air, water, spirituality, too,  Dominance, control, tolerance, acceptance, hate, love...COMMUNITY....

THE WHOLE WORLD COMMUNITY!!!! The is THE issue... and it is wide and complex and yet..... maybe simple? THE question is... how can it be simple and how do we get there? - OR - How do we get to simple? <---- good title for a book?

====================

on a personal note... I sent a note about how I felt and she responded ... moderately. It will be interesting to see what develops! I hope... but reading what Amy thinks and feels leaves me with anxiety and doubts.

2026 Daily - 06/12/2026 - about on time

 Now... about 9pm... Friday talk w/Steve, lunch and plan for finance stuff stated... w/Andrew, some workout, dinner w/Neal at Buckhorn... home and some Spooks... Sad to hear about Alex and Ed... relative to Churchill....  Who's to care? Who's to do what? AHHhhhh..... stories.

Blood test.. ok... sugar high.. some other stuff high... not sure what to do except ... lose weight and lower carb intake.

Finished cookies and ice cream. 

Steak and broccoli salad available... as are bagels and cream cheese, etc... And eggs and cheese and mushrooms... 

Tomorrow night.. Knicks game... 5th game... they lead 3-1... Could finish it tomorrow... I hope so!!!!

NY trip coming up... Packing and practicing and stuff... 

Question for Amy???? Disturbance!!!!

2026 Daily - 06/11/2026

I hope home warranty person comes and fixes things!

Too bad I lost some thoughts yesterday! I think I know now how to better recover. Hopefully no more losses.

AND - last night here in California -- the Knicks Won... in a nailbiter I did not watch because it was making me too nervous... but they pulled it out - YEA!!!!

2026 Daily - 06/10/2026 - doing, being, Middle East history AND democracy! 9after losing text)

 To do or not to do... OR To be or not to be... OR BOTH!?

Earlier I lost some good writing... and this is an attempt to get some back...

First -- 

DEMOCRACY... 

As so many people vote for the least of the bad... OR they vote/don't-vote for a candidate based on Party while thinking both parties are essentially the same.

I think there have some basic differences in my lifetime. One difference I have asserted is the Democrats care about others in groups and as individuals while the Republicans care only care about individuals and each person for themselves. It may be the recent success of the Republicans is due to their addressing concerns that seem to be for groups such as males and/or whites and/or the wealthy.

There is a similarity when viewing the Democrats as caring about both individuals and diverse groups assertively. Democrats celebrate different groups and the individuals within those groups. Sort of equal concern for groups and individuals!

The groups addressed by the Republicans reach first towards individuals within groups. Be a man amongst men for example. Tolerate non-whites who behave as much as they can as whites. The goal is assimilation of the individual into the group.

AND there is ONE GROUP we are all part of in the USA and that is we are all USA Americans! Not "americans" because Latin Americans and Canadians and many others are also "americans". We in the USA are USA Americans and we have done very, very well!!!!

====================

cutting to a point:

As our political parties are viewed as being the same... and as one party - the Republicans - seems to be opposed to fascilitating voting and the fair participation of all people as they gerrymander arrogantly the time is not for ALL to vote for Demorcats for the sake of democracy. OR for the sake of democracy - vote for Democrats!

2026 Daily - 06/9/2026

 Funeral today. Taking Linda Sternberg there.

Earliet - walked w/Ava, took Rachel to Costco.... and now writing this. Stock market recovering a bit from a deep dip... probably due to war with Iran and the downed helicopter and promised retaliation. OY!

Oh .. and today is day after Knicks lost 3rd game of series and are now 2 and 1... ahead of the Spurs.

LATER --- work in backyard. As for lunch.... some bread and olive oil is on my mind. Dinner will be chicken wings from Wingstop. BTW - I DID OVEREAT last night... I should have not had the pizza... AND I knew it!!! OY!!!!

Adriana comes today... I have only slightly cleaned up ahead of her visit.  And I need to reset a lunch meeting w/Andrew.

Did not overeat or drink... 

Sprayed in back

Walked and also did elliptical

AOK day....

I had a thought... and lost it... oh well... story of my life. 

2026 Daily - 06/8/2026 -- ????? - Israel vs Rituals and Jewish Americans!!!??

 ah... it is early Monday morning... services ongoing... 

Postponing Tuesday meets... one lunch w/Andrew and the other Dermatology.... So I can attend funeral of Stu Bresnick. OY! Dermatology canceled... Andrew got my message and will get back to me. AOK.

WHAT is the Big Idea... for now, this time.... The idea generally always is NOW.. The Time Is NOW... Do it ... do it now. Do It Now.... DO IT NOW...  What IS is?!!!

What is the final frontier? Space? Time? Life? Death? Or is there an end to anything? If no end... how can that be stated? And is there IS an end... what does that mean?

============================

Israel vs Rituals, et al.

SO --- Israel has been a great yearning of the Jews for centuries. It is our homeland from which we have been exiled many times. Many times Jews have returned. Generally the returns have been pilgrims, I think, who decided to stay. There was no conquering of the land... just a re-population of the land by Jews. Sharing the land was the norm and purchasing bits and pieces over time the way to establish homes and villages and cities and today a country.

ALSO over the millenia - riturals and rules and ways to live as a Jews were established and followed by Jews living in Europe and Africa and Asia and the Americas... etc. 

And so - I can see many types of Jews... Can't you? I see secular Jews for whom Israel is THE thing. For others religious ways and means is THE thing. Then there are groups who meld both. Than there are groups who deny one or the other of those two pillars.

Is there a third pillar which can help all Jews find stability and solidarity!?

Perhaps that pillar is our ethics and morality and HUMANITY!!!  Our understanding that compasssion for ourselves and others is essential. That Lovingkindess is The Way. We can have and feel compassion but our acts of lovingkindess is how we move forward to true peace and tranquility. 

THE QUESTION then becomes - how to be compassionate and show/do loving and kind acts when the people to whom we might be so... are attacking and killing and further threatening us?  Our sage Rabbi Hillel boils it down to: If I am not for myself who am I? If I am only for myself what am I? If not now - WHEN?

And WHEN will others show us compassion and lovingkindness? Is RECIPROCITY important or not? Some might say - love your neighbor and turn the other cheek. We say - do no harm... and break bread together!

============================

Hmmm..... a thought about Jewish Americans or American Jews... Where are the Israeli Americans or the American Israelis???

There are: Irish Americans and Italian Americans and African Americans and Mexican Americans and Chinese Americans and Japanese Americans... OR perhaps those dual words can be reversed... BUT where are American Israelis or Israeli Americans???

I find that INTERESTING.... and cause for more thoughts and curiosity...

First - most American Jews or Jewish Americans are Jews with no direct ties to Israel. Certainly no recent historic ties to The Land. Yes -- a great yearning ... but in the USA... generations of Jews who's identity was not land based. The question remains, as noted above, what is the basis for one's Judaism? Perhaps when Israel is part of that identity with the millenia of yearnings the Israel considered is an ideal. Perhaps an unreal IDEAL! Or an Ideal to be REALIZED someday?! The someday would be the Days of Moshiach??!!! Days of Paradise on Earth... !!! A time of peace and love and abundance for all.

===============

ordered chicken wing deal... pickup at 3:15 on way back from visiting Jim.

==========================

2026 Daily - 06/5,6,7/2026 - catchup

 It is late on the 7th.... I did not post yesterday (D-Day and Shabbat.. and got together w/Ellen and met her brother Louis.... and learned about a tv show, available on Peacock called.... Brilliant Minds - an Oliver Sacks based medicatl show). THEN the day before --- dinner w/Neal at Symposium, basic Friday - Rotary, Steve... a workout). AND today, the 7th -- woke-up w/Ellen, breakfast, a 2.7 mile walk at Lafayette Reservoir.. and back home and chilled and watched some tv (too much!!).

And now it is a bout 11:40pm and off to sleep very soon.

2026 Daily - 06/4/2026 - what today?

 It is now about 4am on the 4th... so obviously I am not getting good sleep from Wednesday, the 3rd to the morning of the 4th, Thursday. Looking at my calendar I see I have nothing on Thursday after the morning minyan so I expect to rest, nap, sleep!!! I hope that happens and works. Will see and write about it later!

I did ger rest. I got a burger and ate salad bag. I was on the elliptical for an hour and a half. Had pizza and beer w/Rick. 

Decided to pick up Foxy in afternoon of the 27th. easy and direct and clear/clean.

I two thirds thru watching To the End of the World on Prime... an older short series with Cumberbach.

It is almost 10pm and I will retire early!!! Up for Rotary and food bagging. Then Steve. Then a workout... Dinner w/Neal at Symposium. etc etc...

2026 Daily - 06/3/2026 - trying to keep up

 I am trying to keep up with this blog.... and am publishing things "before their time", i.e. before fully edited, vetted, completed. SO -- that is how it is... LIFE is not something well edited, vetted, completed... one might say!

Again today --- roller coaster stock market. Started lower for my etrade and now up (it is 8:21am).. At the end of the day????? -- HERE - up or down?

Today we get the results of primary elections and they say there are MANY mail in ballots to be counted in California - most of which they say are Democrats... and so will Steyer come up? Right now -- it is Hilton followed Bacerra followed by Steyer. A crazy/rude followed by a regular followed by a Good Business Type, imho.

Relative to Israel and anti-semitism ... Mamdani is still being a jerk. I hope HE burns himself out for his international views. I still have positive thoughts/feelings about his local social agenda. BUT MAYBE ... people vote, generally, on International Issues because they are so often disappointed in what happens locally against big business, etc.. The international level is beyond their lives and while their lives will not change they hope to see change for others. INTERESTING?!!

2026 Daily - 06/2/2026 - anti-semitism and What I need to do for me.. AND ME

 Resources for combatting anti-semitism...

https://www.jns.org/news/u-s-news/at-annual-forum-ajc-launches-playbook-to-combat-jew-hatred?utm_campaign=Daily%20Syndicate%20Emails&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9UE0JmJAzaeGbBjpWxGxHOD_XKPV4WW2SkO63oiSUQBAe_7sAqf_LZwHRUEkPzt1gUH2f6cz0EiNRgER2dvEXFwc2Iaw&_hsmi=137295126&utm_content=137295126&utm_source=hs_email

generally see:  https://www.jns.org/

===================

FOR ME... 

I need to be better able to answer questions about past people... 

What was my mother like? My father? My sister?

What is Ellen like?

What was ... past girlfriend and wives like...???

WHAT WAS THE ESSENCE OF THESE PEOPLE? WHO WERE THEY?

Who was I in relation to them? What was I doing???? Why? How? etc. etc... So many questions and so few answers at the ready! BTW - there are two answers... one just for me and one for others... Maybe several for several types of others..??? BUT FOR ME... brutal clear honesty might be useful, helpful, etc...

====================

Who am I???

I AM a caring person... and as such I AM A GOOD person... My problem is my memory for details and even macro stuff. I don't debrief much which would possibly help me remember things. When I travel alone ... that clearly is a lack... HOWEVER - I am still a good and caring and compassionate person. REALLY... I am told that.. I am told I listen (even if I don't remember stuff as well as the talker might hope).... And I truly ADMIRE those who are caring and who also remember... A point: if someone helps someone remember something from the past that was negative .. that is OK... since that negativity has been survived!!!! And if you help a person remember something good... well that's good, right! The past can't be changed ... ... it can be learned from and one thing to understand is I/YOU are STANDING HERE NOW!!!! You are ok! Things are ok... maybe even better/best/great! So there!

2026 Daily - 06/1/2026 - 1st of the month... DO's - AND two ways, balance, what DO I feel?

TODAY:  ride bike??? eat well... ?? (indian food w/Ava), usual workout....

Beginning of loose days of summer, i.e. - no anchor from chorus singing.\

AND see Jim... And some thoughts:

THOUGHTS:

It often seems to me there are at least two reasons for this, that and the other thing...

Aspirational feelings once upon a time. Now I am tentative... and also while stuff is good, easy... I am not sure of warmth. And politics is different between me and Ellen... Will that be the problem it seemed to be once... Will I be the bad guy insisting on at least discussionS. Or have I learned?

In the past ... I have jumped in early... aspiring. Did not learn enough to do what was right. I accepted not getting good responses... Didn't fully believe... NOW -- I am ... afraid.. to get it wrong... For my sake and the sake of the other... 

Communication.... Will I try? What will happend? Can we find a way to get closer...?? Geographically? And physically? 

WHAT DO I KNOW!!!! Am I warm or cool/cold? What is Ellen? We ARE comfortable, I think. We are something to each other. But - what??? For how long? Why? Where? OY!!!! More on this in next post.

2026 Daily - 05/31/2026 - big day.... music...

today... I will work out soon (it is now about 7am). Then rest, then Davis Chorale at about 3pm and then UCDavis University Chorus at Mondavi at 7pm. Big day!!! 

I hope to do a little something in backyard garden... At least some spraying (done)

... Maybe some pulling. Maybe some trimming (new trees "suckers? and maybe grapes some more).

Dreamt last night.. A women... who was refusing to do something ... I was only observing. Her objection was personal and intense and righteous and authentic. I think the issue was political. Note: I expect to join a (twice a month?) postcard writing group this Tuesday evening at 6pm at Andrew's house. TEN postcards to ???? for politics. 

I hope to see Ellen around concert Mondavi time. Sarah, too.

Last night I hosted poker/card game. Nice. I did not win... but hanging out with guys was good. Weird... but I did not have any alcoholic beverage. Just didn't want anything.... I did enjoy chips, salsa, guac, cookiers, grapes. I probably could have eaten less... but someone had to eat!

I heard from Sheera .... She got tiks for concert.  SO: Amy and a friend or two, Vic, Sheera and Mark, Mitch and Laura....  NICE. Should be a very nice day. Concert, drinks/snacks, Rocky Horror Show... and maybe late night dinner....

2026 Daily - 05/30/2026 - Sad news

 WELL... sad news came in email about Stu Bresnick... He got sick in April and has now returned home into hospice as infections and whatever were not able to be controlled. I have known him for quite a while!!! Very say. He is a good guy and I'm glad he is reported to be comfortable!!!!

Had a dream recently with Bruce Zweig in it and called him... and he and Linda are having their health issues. He fell and majorly hurt is back/buttucks. Pain.... and mobility are issues. Linda is having immune issues... Sad!!!

STRESS... stress is what those folks have had a lot of in their lives. Stu has been taking care of Linda, his wife for some time now. Bruce has had big relationship issues ... with his daughters. Very sad!!!

Makes ME THINK!!! and hope that things in my life and family will be fine going forward. Stress has been something I have mostly avoided, I think. My original nuclear family was The Issue .. and my relationships with women have suffered and might be sourced to how I was in that nuclear family and what I saw and what I got away from .... Though I can have regrets about gaps in my life and knowledge. As the Candide/Bernstein song says:

"And let us try, - Before we die,

To make some sense of life.
We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow...
And make our garden grow."

SO --- will I work in my garden!!!! I might. ... Can I? Can I get some help? Some guidance. Some instruction....!!! I have a garden now!!! I CAN DO IT....!!!

There is so much going on ... so much to do... 

Today I did a lot of rehearsing.... And tomorrow - the big concert in Mondavi... as well as a smaller concert at Community Church...Sing sing sing!!!\

AHHH... and where is the LOVE!! Love for ... me, for my daughters, for my girlfriend, for my friends..... for family - here and there... WHAT DO I WANT TO DO ... ABOUT ???? ARTHUR, SUSAN, OTHERS????     And I must keep in touch with Cindy and Joanne and Paul Gruber, too... and folks from Vietnam and other trips.

Joan and Greg and Robin Yerdon.. etc... etc...

2026 Daily - 05/28/2026 - solidarity and Israel

 Solidarity amongst like thinking/feeling people is long often sought so as to effect change. This has not worked and does not work.... ONLY a homogenous grouping of people around a very few issues can bring about a force for change. Grand Coalitions do not work...  Too many animosities need to be forgotten and ignored with the result being a very loose, at best, grouping of people who as soon as they have success in the MacroWorld (i.e. national political success) fall out locally with the later result that the macro success is destroyed by micro successes. Or Excesses!

Today I am reading an article about the anti-Zionism of the Bund while also reading in the news about the boycott of Israeli products in the Park Slope Brooklyn neighborhood. At least for Jews -- we are outsiders and our interests and needs are to be shunned... that's the message. Israel should lay down its defensive arms while offensive arms and ways are tolerated for the "palestinians".  There is no balance and no fairness and no compassionate understanding and it is the Jewish State that is wrong - no matter what it does, doesn't do, tries, etc..

IF there was an attempt to be fair and balanced and understanding -- maybe there could be peace. Without acceptance of Israel and Jews in the Middle East and in the World ... defense and offense by protectors of Judaism and historical ties to the Land of Israel will be what we need to do!!! No one does it for us. We do get help sometimes but truly counting on outside help to come in a timely way is not a viable (living) option. Each of us and all groups as such stand alone ultimately. READ THIS.... and consider its truths.

2026 Daily - 05/27/2026 - Oslo and new routine!!!!

 Well ... FIRST -- will I get back to more regular DAILY entries here!?? We'll see, won't we!

TODAY - teeth cleaned, cardiologist, began new medication. Have not yet worked out (it is 4:30 and I plan to zoom meet listen to Thomas Friedman, postponement of zoom with travel friends, found and BOOKED at trip to Norway on Hurtigruten in late December when I hope to see Northern Lights aka Aurora Borealis... Good deal was found...and took a slightly better cabin (refurbished).... and next will have to setup flight. Looking forward to being in Oslo and seeing Vigeland Sculpture Park!!!!! After that...??? while in there...???? For Oslo I need to find out: where does the ship leave from, what hotels nearbye AND close to Vigeland.... Arrive a couple of days early and/or stay an extra day? Both?

On Memorial Day had brunch and dog walk time with Sarah and Foxie. NICE... Note was my HEAVINESS of subjects... especially as I am thinking about mortality... as per medical (cardiology, weight, prostate and AGE!!!). I really do need to essentially lighten up!!! It WAS memorial day...!!!

Today - weather weird as it was yesterday, too. Yesterday we had a rainy thunderstorm! Today - cloudy. I did do a LITTLE work in garden. Trimmed grape vines. I do think I may have to get some maintenance people in... OR really get into a routine. 

I would like to get into a routine of:

walking

gardening

writing

and workout, too...

AHHH.... routines!!! Good Habits!!! Finally!???

I need to sort things in house, toss things, donate things... There is a lot to get rid of ..and/or replace/update! AND TAX/finance help!!!

A NEW CAR!!! -- Already!!! The Lexus is prime!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/25/2026 - Memorial Day

 I've got a flag ... for my father -- who did not see any combat and barely served - though is two brothers did. One in the Pacific (Morris, as a cook/baker) and one in Europe (Morris, Battle of the Bulge, plus).

2026 Daily - 05/22/2026

 And today ... it is about 11am -- I've sprayed in the back garden... as well as some pulling. Did not go to Rotary... I needed extra sleep. Weight was good and stock market soaring. Crazy!

Watched most of last Colbert show...

Now listening Children of Men... now a Quietis being described... and people not being allowed to change their minds... using butts of rifles... Not very nice!

Soon - some breakfast and then workout! Perhaps I will walk there and back...

Later dinner w/Neal at Katmandu. Talk about physics.... much i did not understand....

===================

COOL - just got email and I made a call about house warranty problem. SO - they are on it... now? We will see!!!! I hope! (time now: 12:42pm).

Off to workout!!!! did it... pretty good.

2026 Daily - 05/21/2026 - Seven Days... since last time.. TRUST is the issue... and catching up!

 Really - seven days since last post... and a lot of the time I have been in the house.. SICK... or feeling sick. Might have been severe allergies. Nevertheless... I didn't blog, didnt' do a lot of things... and now getting back into stuff...

Worked out yesterday. Today - lucked, I hope, into meeting a guy who did a fix on my car. Looks better. Not so noticeable. Kind of ok... Not needing duct tape... not hanging. OK!

Also went to a meeting (Chorale group preps for October Sing), got Dos for lunch (for at that meeting) went to rehearsal of UCD Chorus, went to morning services.. where there was not a minyan!!! And couldn't get onto a Shavuot zoom at CBS... about the future of conservative judaism...

It is Shavuot tonight... Torah study time. And dairy!!! I have some ice cream!!! Soon to eat.

There have been some idea floating around. For one... a group of issues for the book club to consider relative to Children of Men.. and me reading Staring at the Sun, too. DEATH... 

There was the musing about TRUST...  Trust is THE thing for soo much... Personal relationships, world relationships, my own self, too. SO:

Do I trust myself? About what? How? WHY?

Do I trust girlfriend... (s)...??? Maybe ... maybe not. Maybe it was me ... maybe them... Maybe I was blind...

Do I trust my family? Well parents and sister are gone. Cindy has a mate with issues (dementia??). Sheera - ok... but I don't hear enough from her. Mitchell... interestingly dependable...!!!! Arthur - meh. 

FRIENDS?? - who are they? How close are we? DO I REVEAL MYSELF??? Do they?

Then the government(s) - local, regional, national, international.... ALL messed up!!!

Hmmm... COMMITTEES... legislatures... - they move slowly - into and out of things. One COULD trust them once they move...??!!

Courts.. - MEH!!!

Anything else? - MEDICAL -- besides coughing and congestion.. which is over, I think... The cardiology stuff is not yet settled and earlier today I talked the Mark my urologist... and a biopsy and maybe another ablasion is being scheduled. Although things may be ALRIGHT!!

Also - I have had a negative experience w/Home Warranty folks and I need to call again since they didn't show as PROMISED!!!!

I am toying with the idea to have gardeners come back and update backyard for me.... Maybe even set up and regular visit by them. Probably a good idea!!!!!!!

Stock market -- ROLLER COASTER..!!!

Trip to NYC now includes in addition to Rocky Horror Picture Show w/Amy.. the play: The Fear if Thirteen w/Adrian Brody - about capital punishment.... and a life saved.

AND wbat about future travel? Probably Ireland with Group. Maybe Japan... me!!! And Korea? India? A long trip???? piecing several tours together???

 

2026 Daily - 05/14/2026

 and it is now almost 10am -- went to zoom services, now having breakfast AND on phone with citi bank because card was denied... I hope this is taken care of quickly and efficiently.

I am feeling pretty good today. I expect to go to 4pm rehearsal as well as to costco and coop for water.

Went to Costco... got some groceries but without costco credit card not worth getting gas... and inconvenient.  Almost couldn't get the groceries! BUMMER... 

I find myself in a funky period. I am going to take a nap and then go to rehearsal and after that get gasoline somewhere for travel this weekend.

=====================

now - end of day... will watch a bit more of LEXX - but I don't think I will recommend it to anyone - including myself. 

I have yet to followup about dishwasher... I am frustrated, disappointed... will not recommend them... soon. I need a shower... Rehearsal was ok... I am not fully well. Only about 90 percent at best. Will take some nyquil soon and get into bed early. May go to Rotary ... if I awake by myself. Am canceling early alarm.

I did go to chabad class... and asked about levi and the army and study.. and the arm. In Israel... as that is quite the controversy.

Did not workout... maybe tomorrow .. or may restart on Sunday.

Had a black russian drink.. and saurkraut w/beef sausanges. I have one more portion of that. And for a treat... kettle corn.

2026 Daily - 05/13/2026 - what to do about DISAPPOINTMENTS

 Well.. I am feeling better, almost healthy. I did take a lot meds (antihis, decongest, tylenol, expectorant, and cough med). SO - 3 hours later -- I am feeling ok and just got up from an hour long nap. Awoke to prepare for RJ volunteer thing but when I checked email for a link to the zoom was told things were canceled for today - kid had a field trip. Oh well... Will see if future dates work.

SO.... what might I do today to get on track for a purposeful life?

WELL - my mind easily goes to purpose relative to Jews in Davis. I used to be part of the community, then was removed by transient rabbis who obviously had their own problems, now don't really want to join back up ... but I have offered my services to them... but have not heard back. The psychology about this may have to do with my father's assertions that my father was boss at home while the men in the congregation were bosses there because they did not rule at home. MESSED up thinking, for sure. The only way I think I could feel ok back at CBH would be with restoration of my roles on the bimah at the high holidays. That return and that visibility could assuage my sensibilities. 

On the other hand -- there have always been alternatives to CBH. For one - the Walnut Creek congregation. In addition to that .. Hillel at Davis, Chabad in Davis, and beyond... The Federation in Sacramento could be one, too.

SO - what do I, would I -- want to accomplish? Basically the encouraging youths to participate and grow our ways. IF we want youths -- we need to have them want us, others, oldies, youngies, themselves!... Leadership programs? Creative programs (new prayers, art, music???). And the idea I once had for a lighting system in the CBH sancturary based on the kabbalistic symbols and shape - the Sefirot. With todays LED's the structure could be metal or wood or even plastic? The basic shape and looks and words are prescribed by the symbol.. it is a matter of making it.

=============================

again... lots of this coming from reading Staring at the sun... by Yalum

About what am I disappointed? Not becoming as Astronaut or somehow involved in the Space Programs? Not becoming a Rabbi or more in harmony with myself - a CaMayntor? I am also disappointed about how I was as a Father and Husband and Friend. Lots of disappointments!! Maybe also not becoming a Counselor/therapist...  SO - so many things to do now... while there is still time!

One thing to look into again.. Chaplancy. And putting myself out in some way to be a Cantor. IF lived near a Space Base -- I might consider becoming a Docent. And as for Fathering -- I can talk and do what I can with my adult children. Friendships can be improved and as for a husband - well - maybe that ship has sailed though I wonder what would happen if I put that on my Profiles -- Find someone to whom I could be a good husband!

WHAT might have been? What may yet be? 

So disappointments feed regrets... Regrets about the past may suggest a future. Considering the future and regrets to be... why? Live so there won't be future regrets. FULFILL ONE'S POTENTIAL.... What is my potential?  What does Consummate one's life mean? Should I read Nietzche? "Thus spake Zarathustra" ??? And what about Shopenhauer? And other DISTRACTIONS!!!!

Maybe my traveling has been a distraction. It has also been a quest... Looking for something? SomeONE? Someplace? My THING is music, singing, leading others in song.... (like from the bimah). The ONE is not yet clear. And place ... is home in Davis though I suppose that is moveable.

2026 Daily - 05/12/2026 -- Tuesday, still sick..AND Who Am I?

Hanging in here... may be getting better. Cough mostly gone. Headache is better after taking decongestant. Interestingly -- I had "acid reflux" in morning for about 40 minutes. Nasty feeling. Being sick may be a way to lose weight.... Today I am not feeling like eating and will probably eat less than usual. Tea and honey w/lemon juice... on the menu. And breakfast/protein bar(s). At lunch I'll have some sausage and sour kraut from what I made yesterday... IF I FEEL LIKE IT... May not. Or soup (tomato, also made yesterday). Yesterday I was feeding a cold.  I may have had a fever. Poor night of sleep... but I think naps and tonight will be ok.

Ahh. stock market -- big 2 percent dip... as of about 10am. Some recovery as of 10:17. Rollercoaster!!!

Send an email to morocco place David Copp suggested. I wait. AND put in a claim for leaky dishwasher. I wait... The warranty folks are trying to schedule something. Seems cool.

Ave/Eva just brought over robotussin AND tea cookies and fruit salad. VERY kind of her!

===================

it is now a bit after 3pm... coughing, nosal dripping, headache.... NOT great. I could certainly feel better!!!!

Just read in VIA from AAA about Route 66... THAT would be a DRIVE!!!! And AARP had some info about car safety issues.

========================

SO - who am I? Am I living MY full life? What would a full life look like for me?

This is coming from sources quoted in the book: "Staring at the sun" which is about death anxiety and its mirror image - life anxiety. Do I dare live???? TIMING is now relative to my age (almost 77) and the end of saying Kaddish for my sister and before her my mother and before her my father. I say I AM FREE... and yet am I acting/behaving, thinking, feeling FREE?? I wonder and often say NO... but then I don't know WHAT TO DO! It is always a matter, for me, to DO SOMETHING... and that is different than BEING SOMETHING/SOMEONE....

I have an impulse to retreat. To not attach. Yet I do attach but with some tentativeness. I think about burning bridges more than building bridges. I don't want to be bothered or bother to figure out how to be?!

What SHALL I do?!!!

2026 Daily - 05/11/2026 -- Monday and I'm sick..

 I have a cold or the flu or The Flu? In any case yesterday I stayed home, rested, had soup, and meds (expectorant, vit. C, some tylenol, too). Today - more of the same and tomorrow, too, I think. I will miss meeting w/Jim and going to Chorale rehearsal. Tomorrow - might miss rehearsal, and seeing Rachel... 

Mostly what I have is congestion, coughs, some diarrea (depending on what I ate... more than illness, I think).

SO -- more reading, and too much TV., and maybe some piano for my singing groups...

===============

took a nap... one hour... and also just took (about noon) an antihistomine for my headache which I am thinking is caused by congestion. We'll see.

=============

Earlier lookup my old Camp Loyaltown and found that today is keeps going to disabled kids and even adults. In my day it was for poor kids and my parents may not have had to pay. NOTE: the camp is noted in an art work at MOMA.

2026 Daily - 05/10/2026 - Mothers Day in soo many ways!

 One could wonder, I could wonder, Do I wonder? About - Mothers Day.... now that my mother is no longer alive and neither is my sister. Last year Debra would have celebrated Mothers Day or at least thought about it, I imagine. Today I NOTE it. I think about Susan Hildreth and other mothers I know. They all did what they did... best they could, I imagine, and the outcomes are very good I think and hope. We don' choose our mothers and we are generally powerless in regards to them for quite a while... Then when we find our own power, our own strengths -- what do we then think and feel about our mothers? 

For some reason I was asked when I was a child -- who do you like, love better - mom or dad? My answer was my father - for some reason. And the idea that my father ruled ... was not necessarily true... though that was the assertion and I generally accepted that... and I had little to do with my mother and not a lot to do with my father. WHO knows??? - Maybe I realized the truth!

In my life as a father and husband I did what looked like what my father successfully did - however maybe it was all bluff, all ???? I yelled and was an angry husband and then to some extent ... an angry father. I certainly did not give a lot of praise to my daughters .... and I realized too late they needed  that... or at least could have benefited from more praise. I often have expressed appreciation but that is not the same thing... Bottom line -- I was not a person who loved well... neither my wife or my children or girlfriends, etc etc..OR so I think, feel, say to myself.

========================

Just off tanya class... Seemed impossible for me to follow and understand, etc I've got to NOT attend these...it almost hurts.

2026 Daily - 05/9/2026 - Truth, Jews AND feelings and failings...

What do we KNOW is true? And when what we know to be true is not true .. .what do we do? Some double down and push/assert the old truths since they may be, especially if historical, useful backings to the myths of today.

A recent book review looked at books about the American Revolution and its effect on other countries who soon after had revolutions, etc. France, Haiti, and perhaps Italy and Germany... and others. In the "new" telling we were not the great inspiration many of us may think and BELIEVE... Ahhh.. BELIEF!

Let me turn to us Jews ... who are literate, intelligent, etc etc... in apparently higher per capita than other groups. Are we genetically superior? Was there some natural selection events that favored us? 

Here is a sequence of hateful asserted perceptions: anti-Israel, anti-Judaism, anti-semitism, anti-Zionism, anti-Israel, AND AGAIN... ANTI-SEMITISM...  to cover all the past "antis". In each case I would suggest there were instances that justified the sentiments in a small percentage of cases... yet the "hate", fear, angers were amplified for purposes of some.... Some who were in power and wanted more power. Some who may just have liked hating. 

ONCE upon a time for some reason I thought hate was ok... IF I hated one thing, person, etc... in one year and then moved onto to some other subject. I could have said the same thing about LOVE...  Or in other words - have limited but very strong passionate feelings about something for a while!

Back to us Jews... What is true about us? And special - if there IS something special...

One thing that comes to mind is we are a people who look to our Torah as the source of all. It is a book. It is full of stories and laws and there is history and instruction. Following on the importance of the Torah comes the idea that we were and are an unusually literate people BUT - who had books and who could read? Perhaps as there were few books there were few readers and few people who could read... BUT we had laws, etc from the Torah... the Five BOOKS of Moses... and we heard, listened, and remembered teaching from the Torah delivered by the few who themselves may have had copies to read and could read ... or who had great memories. The common people did not have books and probably did not and could not read. Why bother? As for Jews who were learned and who served Christian overlords as ministers or managers ... were they not another minority!?

YES - those minorities in our communities were highly respected... I can grant that... and so when printing begins in the late 1400's and emancipations from ghettos, etc.. happen - Jews do what they have seen as respectable and now acceptable and always a means to a good life. We learn to read and write and the idea, myth, that Jews were a literate and especially learned people really arises in the 1500's and later... much to our good fortune and advantage. 

It is not genetic... it is social. It was permitted and it was grasped for its utility! Is that The Truth? Or is my telling of the story with only a vague grasp of history and historical facts ... missing something? Is it the essence of Sophmoric? Maybe....

=================

Failing... - Not enough praise for my daughters... too much "realism"... instead of inspiration and appreciation... AND - a Yod for Amy and the fixed candle sticks for Sarah....

Also failed myself.... not recognizing what I did was valuable ... to me and to others. Not having compassion, appreciation, respect for myself... OY!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/8/2026 - today's theme??? and SEX

 It is early now - about 7:45am ... I didn't go to Rotary... am having some coffee. Paper newspaper was not on driveway otherwise I would be out in back yard w/my coffee... Markets went down yesterday and are recovering this morning. Rollercoaster!!!!

I'm reading a couple of books by Irvin D. Yalom .. 

one: Staring at the sun (about the psychology of thinking about death)

from Amazon:

"Written in Irv Yalom's inimitable story-telling style, Staring at the Sun is a profoundly encouraging approach to the universal issue of mortality. In this magisterial opus, capping a lifetime of work and personal experience, Dr. Yalom helps us recognize that the fear of death is at the heart of much of our anxiety. Such recognition is often catalyzed by an "awakening experience"―a dream, or loss (the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job or home), illness, trauma, or aging.

Once we confront our own mortality, Dr. Yalom writes, we are inspired to rearrange our priorities, communicate more deeply with those we love, appreciate more keenly the beauty of life, and increase our willingness to take the risks necessary for personal fulfillment."

two: Becoming myself: a psychiatrist's memoir. 

from Amazon:

"Irvin D. Yalom has made a career of investigating the lives of others. In this profound memoir, he turns his writing and his therapeutic eye on himself. He opens his story with a nightmare: He is twelve, and is riding his bike past the home of an acne-scarred girl. Like every morning, he calls out, hoping to befriend her, "Hello Measles!" But in his dream, the girl's father makes Yalom understand that his daily greeting had hurt her. For Yalom, this was the birth of empathy; he would not forget the lesson. As Becoming Myself unfolds, we see the birth of the insightful thinker whose books have been a beacon to so many. This is not simply a man's life story, Yalom's reflections on his life and development are an invitation for us to reflect on the origins of our own selves and the meanings of our lives."

AND WHAT ABOUT ME... me me me .... This IS my blog, my journal... and it is meant to preserve my thoughts and by writing to improve, develop myself.... SO:

I faced death quite closely when I had my pulmanary embololism... I was lucky in several ways ...  and recovery was not too long in happening AND was accompanied by weight loss. I was in the 280 region and got down to the 225 region. And now I'm back up!!!  I It has been SIX years since that event and I never say I was afraid or effected by that brush with mortality. I AM SOOOO INSENSITIVE!!!!! 

Yalom's Becoming Myself book addresses COMPASSION... and while I think I express compassion to others ... I don't think I treat myself with compassion. I don't appreciate myself. I don't take enough good care of myself health/eating-wise. I DO exercise and I DO see doctors... but I don't always take the medications they suggest - though once I start certain meds I do take them daily as prescribed. 

AND as for the "me me me" assertion above ... do I present myself such or am I viewed as caring? I fear I am NOT seen as caring ... even as I have caring thoughts in my head and I try to behave in caring ways and help in caring ways.  

FOR NOW: oy

========================

Aaahhhh.... SEX - Sex, sex, sex,.....

For me - diminishing!!! Diane (condom), Deanne (disinterest and thickness size issue, Prostate, Susan (suddenly find I am unable to have strong erection), Ellen (not sensitive nor interested in having oral sex done to her). I must say -- I am not very happy with myself and my performance and what I can do or am allowed to do.

I have heeded Ellen's disinterest ... but I don't like the IMBALANCE....  I'm not sure what we are doing and why and where things are or will go... SO something is missing and we are not talking about anything, really. COMMUNICATION!!!!! Not initiated by me, tolerance of anything from her, and clarity, certainty... not present. SO - what is my comfort level? What do I want to change? Change would allow me to see other people... locally, etc... THAT is what I want to be able to do ... with a clear conscience based on clear communication. And when? What time is right to have The Conversation?

OY!!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/7/2026 - Giving Day and Parents/Adult Children....

BIG Day of Giving here in Davis/Yolo... Did some donating... and thinking: What would I like to support, help -- that I did not see? An organization that brings parents and children back together .... after their estrangement... whoever had responsibity and hopes. NOTE: children sometimes live now for extended periods of time with parents -- economics... ON THE OTHER HAND/SIDE - parents live with their children as parents age... economics, other? Where is one's tribe, village, community? Who is it? WHY Has this been invented yet? WHERE? Check and communicate, ask... how are you doing it? Is it being done?? Drugs may be involved by either end/generation. Resentments, missed opportunities, disappointments, other? I wonder....????

Toxic parents, difficult circumstances, changing norms (the times, the ages of people, other?), difficult children, Generational gaps.

GOOGLE Searches:

bringing parents and adult children together

Unhealthy parent-adult child relationship

Bringing parents and adult children together pros and cons

Healing parent and adult child relationships

Parent adult-child relationship Questionnaire

AND - my personal experiences and those of my daughters... and ??? 

Me and my parents, Bruce and his daughter(s), Linda/Phil, Deanne/Eliana, Dea/Ben, Ellen??, others? Marilyn Groth? 

NOTE: I often felt shame, embarassment, WRONG... And I may have exhibited JUDGMENT about how others were dealing with such stuff. A QuESTION: With whom does one talk about such things? As a model - when is it ok to talk about marriage problems outside of the married couple? Some think - never.. I have wondered for myself as I have struggled committing in a relationship and with my daughters - what would be short answer(s)? 

An answer to the question - is it the parent's fault???? - One answer is yes/always since children learn how to relate from their parents ... so - what goes around comes around!!!! WHICH I HAVE ESSENTIALLY REALIZED AND STRUGGLED AGAINST..  - sometimes poorly but often the point was in my mind ... I did not want a repeat of what was between my parents and me to be what defined the relationship I have with my children, adults!

On another hand ... but not really, fully is that as in my case I could have used warm supportive positive parenting but my father was sure that challenging me was THE WAY... it worked for him... if he was told he couldn't do this or that then he would prove whomever said that wrong... I understood that was my father's way and he was proud of himself for accomplishing what he did... BUT I was not him... and FYI he would say he understood and practice psychology in his business so he succeeded in selling people because he understood them and worked on their ways... MAYBE I realized I was being treated one specific way and as I didn't respond I also didn't know how to access any other way. We lived rather isolated.... minimal contact with two out of three uncles... no aunts or grandparents...except my mother's mom who was not well treated/respected by my mother... What goes around comes around!!!! My parents got what they made... an insensitive son who needed to get away and protect himself and his family which I did by limiting/not visiting!!!!

BIG OY!!!!

=============

today is a big day of people...

services, meeting w/UCD finance guy, lunch w/Ava at Korean Rest., rehearsal, beer w/David Copp.

================

just saw finance guy... and seems I can setup an annuity that they get when I die... and which until then will generate non-taxable income... IF 7 percent annuity on 50K = that is 3500 per year. Paid quarterly... Interesting.

===============

Practicing Bernstein choral piece -- Make our garden grow... It is sad for me... at my age. Do I have a future when my garden can grow and will I see it's fruits! I hope so!!! AAaahhhh... LIFE!!!

2026 Daily - 05/6/2026 - writing about parenting... and trips. BALANCE... And Mother's Day coming up

 Nice dinner and hangout with Jonathan last night. He now drives a LUCID... 75K, all electric. Interesting.

Today is a pretty wide open day!!! A couple of zooms. It is now about 8am... and a good workout should begin at about 9am. AND THEN -- there is a pre-prepared martini in my fridge which has been there since Sunday (today is Wednesday) and the olives in the vessel need to be eaten and the glass frosting in the freezer needs to be used... SO --- as the clouds are in the sky I think this will be a wildly and truly wasted day... THOUGH I may try some writing or editing or prepping my and/orBlog... AAHHhhhhh.. Writing  - that is my passion. As I write here and now --- it shows. As I think about wanting to be read, listened to or just heard, and have a purpose .. Writing is IT. Teaching through writing.

A PROJECT - my parents and I and other parents and their kids ... Source of woes - the parents and their wishes and hopes and preferences and the shadow they throw on relationships. Even I was subjected to that though my insensitivity or shame meant I didn't realize certain things about my parents and which i obvious to some other young people... SO - what is to be done!???

=================

on another note: TRAVEL... Japan, South Korea, Morocco, Croatia/Turkey, India, China. THOSE are places I would like to see and which I have never been.  For relaxing - Hawaii and/or Fijis....?? Or again to Thailand, north.

I have not been to the northern part of Thailand and there they do cooking and massage and maybe I could do a short expat thing there.

==================

And - in a couple of days -- Mother's Day. Will there be a Whole Earth Festival on campus??? I think they are putting stuff up. so yes.

What shall I do? Send something to Susan Hildreth? Get something for Ellen? And others???? Maybe Sheera, Samantha, Helene....Holly, and Linda and Dea?

And say something at Hillel - to the prideful!? Such as:

=======================

You are all beautiful... though some of you are more handsome and others are more pretty and essentially - words don't always feel right even if the feelings generating the words are loving.

AND sometimes the words are ok, right, loving but the person expressing those words has negative feelings at root. 

However -- Mixed Feelings are probably most common and those feelings and the words expressed may confuse and may hurt and may be twisted. Dare I say that mixed feelings are essentially feelings that are mixed up and further - the expressions of those feelings in words is sometimes messed up!

Rabbi Hillel said - Don't do to others that which you would not want done to you... Do no harm. What we can do is be strong and certain about who we are and be compassionate to all - oursevles and others. 

I had a messed up relationship with my parents and significantly I was not healthfully strong. I had some very difficult times with my two daughters... but thankfully and hopefully we are in a good place now .... after counseling and work to be a family. I recommend counseling. I recommend work. I wish you all well!

====================================

I want balance... not dominance. EQUALITY!!! In all things. Compassion, acceptance, tolerance... Including, especially with Intimacy

2026 Daily - 05/5/2026

 well... i missed MayThe$thBeWithYou day... not a big deal, really.

Just back from bookclub and discussion of book about Admiral Rhikover... ok..

Got into wondering -- are Jews special...  Certainly seems so per capita....why? Genetics (self=selection back to Babylonian Exile? or education in recent centuries because when there were no books literacy was low even for Jews... etc. etc..??). IDEA FOR A BOOK: "My regular life - or more?" I have never felt particularly and authentically special. Parents more likely put me down.... certainly not inspiring... or honest (as it turned out). SO - I plodded on By Myself...  Only real help may have been when my father talked SUNY Binghamton into accepting me back IF... and I DID. It was easiest way for me to get my BA and also may have been easiest way for my father to ensure I graduated - SO: service to me and self-service for him.

Who am I? Who was I? What could have been? Where lies responsibility? 

I MUST take personal responsibility for myself. The sad thing was I didn't ask myself certain questions and got certain answers earlier in my life. Basic questions like: what interests me a log? What am I good at? What do I want to learn and then teach...!!!???

TEACHING is THE Thing. It is a good thing to SHARE oneself with others so they may learn from what happened that was good and bad and in-between. Ahhhhh... SHARING...  SHARE is my keyword for 2026 and here it is early May and what have I shared??? OR - what project is underway that will share that which I can share?

What do I have to share? I said the other day: 

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ... check info on Charity Navigator

AND - more regular (weekly?) donating ... to Jewish organizations....

To that I would have to/want to say -- writings about my life ... Successful, unsuccessful, regular, special, appreciated, unappreciated... etc. etc... Intense, laid back, effective, ineffective, warm, cold, friends, no friends, right perception, wrong perception...  OOOYYYYY!!!!

2026 Daily - 05/4/2026 - News and DO's - WORK!!!

 There is something not right in prostate.Will meet w/doc soon to find out how bad. 

Awoke and got to workout today before services at 7:45. Good start to day! Later have either a JTS program or the Death Cafe, then free time, then Jim,  then Chorale rehearsal.

AND here is my "new" daily agenda: 

THINGS TO DO: will top Monday blog... and DO !!!!

something related to one of the paragraphs of song.. - MY ARMOR!!!! (song is in 5/3/2026)

what is my purpose? TEACH.. what? PEACE?!!! "Braver Angels"

what do I like/want to see happen? What do I want fixed, specifically, in the world? - hhhmmmm... and idea: OFFER HS STUDENT A PLACE TO LIVE/STAY.. for a couple of years... Kinda - FOSTER.

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ... check info on Charity Navigator

AND - more regular (weekly?) donating ... to Jewish organizations....

and....

Duality writing thing - blog titled: https://thinkaboutitalready.blogspot.com/

and

Memoir writing ... find outline or amongst docs

Legacy - https://kensstreet.blogspot.com/

Above there is so much to do... not even considering:

chorus's

exercise

walks

socializing -- dinners, bars?, other.....

AND GARDEN AND BE IN GARDEN...

SOOOoooooo mmmuuccchhhhh!!!!

AND SO reports coming soon...

Other work... continues to include coming to some conclusions about my thoughts and feelings about my sister, mother, and father. AND should I get a copy of my father's will which the lawyer says has something nasty in it??? Do I really want to know??? Each day, generally, I say Kaddish for the year or so after their deaths. I am now still sayhing Kaddish for my sister and that will end about July 4th... AHHH... Independence Day!!!! For me as well as the country! WOW...

2026 Daily - 05/3/2026 - cared for?? To Care for what? - SHARE !!!!

Aaaahhhhh... being care about? Can the care of others be too much? Not yet... but it is a bit new for me... Contrasts with some earlier people who threatened to leave if I did not eat healthier while they did not actively choose to be helpful. Its all on you they said and while that is true -- a partner can be supportive, I think, by not pushing food and accepting that I could eat less .. but if something is in front of me ... I eat it... no wasting... and if its free... etc etc... I remember one person who would actually suggest all-you-can eat buffets! I remember thinking .. yea I like it... but why is she liking it so much? And why put me in front of it? Some people are a bit schizo, I guess! And besides ... a lot of people offer food as love. My mother's expression of love was food and my appreciation was appreciated!

Neal talks about me wheezing and I go to cardiologist .... Mostly ok... maybe essentially ok. Still waiting on some results and a "stress" test.

Last night, early this morning... Ellen texted and wanted to talk and she was concerned I was ignoring my diabetes and not caring about living. I said .. I do care about living and I take medications religiously AND weight loss is the DIFFICULT path I need to pursue. 

I must note... while I am not sure where I will travel and when... I have fixed my backyard and it is ready to be well gardened. Tending my garden is a long term consideration and endeavor. I did not invest in the backyard to sell the house. I did it for ME and my enjoyment and I hope to have many years there and many fruits and vegetables.

It is now about 9:30am and as part of my "health routine" I will soon go to workout ... some eliptical and some weights.  It is what I do!

As for eating -- I had a couple of sausages and a banana for breakfast. I am eating thru bananas I bought before hearing a new medication doesn't mix well with potasium which bananas are known to supply. I will start taking that new heart medication a day or two after I've finished those bananas.

Today -- after workout .. a shower, then Rotary thing: Touch-a-Truck, and then maybe Tanya... but that is as always a black hole, I think. I DO have the reading of Tanya...and maybe I will attend class to be sure I am on the right page, so to speak.

THINGS TO DO: will top Monday blog... and DO !!!!

something related to one of the paragraphs of song.. - MY ARMOR!!!!

what is my purpose? TEACH.. what? PEACE?!!! "Braver Angels"

what do I like/want to see happen? What do I want fixed, specifically, in the world? - hhhmmmm... and idea: OFFER HS STUDENT A PLACE TO LIVE/STAY.. for a couple of years... Kinda - FOSTER.

SHARE.... what to whom? why?! - MONEY, TIME ....

Here is the song ... which maybe I can work on its parts one by one in coming days.

I Am a Rock

Song by Simon & Garfunkel ‧ 1966

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock I am an island

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock I am an island

Don't talk of love

Well I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock I am an island

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock I am an island

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

2026 Daily - 05/2/2026

morning... slept well. Arose at about 6am --- aok

Weight up. Stock market ended week up .. especially for me and my etrade stock in CAT.

Might lift Torah today. Spotting necessary!

Basic wakeup just went off - 7:25am. Sun seems to be coming out. Will see Ellen this afternoon. Talk??? 

Who am I? What am I doing? Same for her?? Future? 

TRAVEL? Day trip to Napa -- how about Sunday May 24th... Memorial Day Weekend. Sleep in and drive out. Napa or Monterrey or Pacific Grove or ???

AND - now -- 7:49am  - dress and prepare or just leave...

(btw -- this week I am relatively free Wednesday)

2026 Daily - 05/1/2026 - a new month...

 Well... sort of started... but actually a blank sheet when I am writing now -- 9pm.

Thought for today -- a person needs purpose? a person needs to be moving. Productive? In other words ... building something.

Curiosity is important... Learning is important...

All the above is what THEY SAY... and it seems right but is it? Can a person rest on his/her laurels? Rest... Rest on what they did in their life? 

WHY NOT? 

WHY one or the other????

IT IS TRUE... there is a need for wisdom and even just simple information from Elders... People who have seen a lot... REALLY saw stuff... BUT then - will the youths listen? and will they learn? WHY... How can the world be a better place unless past mistakes are not made... Past triumphs pursued? And what is a triumph? What is a mistake? 

JUDGMENTS!!!!

2026 Daily - 04/30/2026 - F's

feelings, friends, family, father, freedom,fear,.....????!!!

From thoughts and stuff from Men's Grief Group which just met... ]

I do always come around to feelings... and being sensitive and how it was beaten out of me by my father whom I am free of now. Then - friends? Fears? FAMILY... 

Ahh.. family -- that is the thing.  And who is in charge now??? Who is patriarch or matriarch? My mother did not do matriarchal things and my fathers patriarchy was not really real, I think. In other words -- no center to my life! Can I become the center???!!!??? That would be MY WISH!!! Of whom? Why? Where?

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From end of recent episode of NCIS Origins - title: Who's going to drive you home - S2E16:

Older Gibbs naration: "If you love someone you tell them who you are!!!" (or Father says "When you love someone you tell them who you are."

"You make the effort - you solve the problem...."

AND as is says often and elsewhere --- Never take anything for granted!

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SO - Will I TALK w/Ellen about this stuff??!!!??!!! When!!!!

2026 Daily - 04/29/2026

 Got good rest last night. Retired early and got up late (11pm - 8am - approx). I feel good. It is about 8:30am and I'm about to sip my first cup of coffee. New bed expected today ... I hope the move of old to other room will be ok'd. Seems easier for delivery people... but we'll see. I'm ready for it going either way. Stock market down at this time. I am still awaiting news from PET scan.

I guess no new car this month. Maybe next month??? And which car??? Niro, by KIA, Lexus, RAV4, Hyundai, Camray, Accord, CR-V, Prius, OTHER? All hybrids or plug-in hybrids. Or will a decision bet made today, tomorrow... ???

Might have Foxy this weekend. Need to talk w/Sarah and see. And then again in June??? 

And about a little trip w/Ellen. Big day trip to Napa? Or an overnight?

Later today -- zoom w/travelers!!! Next trip to... Japan, Morocco, other - and WHEN? from meetup and on calendar for May 27th meeting:

​IDEAS: -- travel in ​MAY.....2027

high interest... ​northern spain... basque.... ireland... north and south... croatia... interest??? morocco - maybe too hot turkey, greece... - hot?? Japan.... low interest... scandinavia

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waiting to talk w/Sarah about Foxy ... and hoping Ellen will be able to come here... I'll do zoom service..

2026 Daily - 04/28/2026

 Aaahhh....  Tuesday... Weight still up... Walked w/Ava. Second day of hearing about Japan... She went w/RoadsScholars... yesterday Dave talked about his trip with OAT... Both VERY ENTHUSIASTIC. I must look into a trip there!!!

Visited w/Rachel... nice talk... no shopping.

Later - rehearsal w/UCD Chorus... but first - lunch w/Bruce .. sushi place near him.

WHAT FOR ME TO DO....

A new congregation in Davis, Ca .. which may be out of real reach... though needed.... Conservative w/liberal acceptances of Jews relative to parental descents.

Produce "Unknown soldier and his wife" -- maybe with additions of other historical periods. Combine Theater dept with History dept. ...!!!!

Travel... to Japan, India, China?, with a retreat in one of those places.... In other words - A GRAND TOUR.... including cruising, land, air travel... And a place to sit/set and meditate... on addtional future things to do...

GARDEN.... veggies (ratattouis garder: tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, zuchinni, onions...) and flowers/color and ?????

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lunch w/Bruce -- talked about racism and churches and "shared legacy" documentary. And history and a bunch of stuff. HE is very enthusiastic about starting something soon to bring people together.

2026 Daily - 04/27/2026 - Monday and a new week... maybe THIS WEEK!???

 Will I make some bold moves, changes, etc... And why or what am I waiting for? A REASON == wait til I hear from CBH and also wait til after year of mourning for my original nuclear family, i.e my sister who followed the death of my mother and father... thus leaving me ALONE.... To fully realize myself or myselves... I am not blaming anyone for anything... OR at least I am trying to not think of blamings... What I am thinking is... LEGACY... What have I done worth noting, remembering, honoring??? I can make such a list but that list would leave out something important and that would be ... honoring others! I have not been good at giving credit where due although I have not taken credit that was another's. It is just that I did inititate some things and got some things done and I did want appropriate credit for myself and often did not get that. Oh woe is me... I could say... OH poor me...  BUT - the good was done and that was good!

SO lists... of accomplishment or stuff done worthy of note by me... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY - can I list people who I may have honored are who I should have honored or who I can honor? To be considered!!!

Today I am writing in the morning. I will do Meals on Wheels, have lunch w/David Foos, see Jim, check about mattress, go to Costco, and rehearse w/Davis Chorale. BUSY!!!! And do some cleaning/picking-up in preparation for Adrianna tomorrow. 

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got on phone w/Anthem about behavorial health.... VERY LONG wait to talk to someone who then took questions and is now taking a long time to find and return with information/answer. SHHEEESHHH... - Lousy music!!!

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Carl Jung - aging:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UJ3jzEKYSM

four pillars:

Individuation.... - new roles... !!! - psychological maturation!

Integrating the shadow --  face yourself with acceptance... regrets??? an invitation to become whole... hold back bad emotions... no judgemenet .. but understanding - psychological softening. no reactivity - instead calm presence...

Meaning after achievement - from doing to being... productivity not needed.. 

Reconciling with death... Understand death... it is not to be avoided... PREPARE... less fear... not denial...

2026 Daily - 04/26/2026 - after skipped days... Death and purpose???? and feelings...

 First - here are notes from an email meant to hold thoughts for this blog:

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Death death death .. what IF I were to die momentarily? What would I have NOT done that I would like to do .. have liked to do??

What is my unlived life???

Being a Cantor or a Rabbi??? Or some kind of educator, therapist??

And. . what are ALL my feelings about the death of my birth family? Father, mother, sister???? Why do I seem to not have real sad feelings? True .. there was great estrangement... And there was great bad feelings from them at me.   Or was it mostly my Father who was disappointed, angry, etc.   And what were his feelings??? AND what did he say in his will?

At best.    I'm full of words and ideas.   But FEELINGS? What do I feel? I know I've had trouble putting my feelings into words.   Or words to feelings??? A difference? Or the same? 

WHO DO I KNOW WHO I CAN TALK TO ABOUT FEELINGS?  Or do I only relate to people who also have trouble with feelings? Neal, others???

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WELL - those notes held a lot!! What are my feelings!!! About ???

People, purpose???

The question of purpose is one asked by several people... Pam for one! Have my travels been a distraction? Has travel had a purpose? What have I learned? Thought? Felt? 

For instance -- feelings about Aushwitz? Thoughts about property ownership? Both related to Judaism and both from trip to Baltics, Poland... etc... w/Robin.

And I do pay attention and am curious about Judaic stuff whenever I travel. Spain? Italiy/Sicily... And in distant past, also!

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Went to R. Brownstein's class on Tanya --- I am going to say.... I just am not able to understand what is being presented. .....

AND - I seem to have two different versions or translations of Tanya -- one from Sefaria .. and is the other from the Chabad site???? PERHAPS the Chabad version I saved of #37 ... is more than Tanya itself. Instead it is:

Lessons In Tanya »

By Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, elucidated by Rabbi Yosef Wineberg

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And now ... some dinner and maybe a movie... 

2026 Daily - 04/23/2026 - masculinity, femininity, BOTH?

 In attending a few sessions of a class The Age of the Feminine.... (where we are generally getting context, contect, context... to my great frustration) - a question has come to me... and so let me try to phrase and maybe I will send it on to the class-teacher and/or some other people who might have some thoughts, insights into my point(s) of curiosity....

The question ... People talk about The Shechina... the feminine aspect of G-d. Where and when do people actually speak about the masculine aspect of G-d? 

People speak about a man's feminine side... What about a woman's masculine side? 

AND if/as we are created in G-d's image.. how does all this gender stuff play out here on earth and in the high heavens?

Where is the equality? Where is the continuum? Why divisions as we know divisions are real and meaningful but also broad and for some too broad to fit... Diversity is most real!!!

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AND - also --- about me.... What am I doing? What is my purpose? What am I contributing? What would like to build? NOW.... In my later years!!!!

I got a pretty good report from my cardiologist... and I may do those new obesity drugs... She said ... and this was new to hear.. .that She Has Heard over the years people say -- I want/will do this myself . and then don't... And that is me.... I guess... really.... so -- maybe, probably!!!