2026 Daily - 02/07/2026 a big uncertainty and more on sensitive me...

AAaaahhhhhh - writing ... and publishing ... soon after publishing yesterdays....

SO - big idea/thought for today... 

I like crime shows ... even when somewhat predictable about parts... SO - what I was thinking I liked is the certainty that often is reached by characters.. based on good information --- but which proves wrong and somebody else did it! What I am saying is the uncertainty presented ... the certainty followed by more information and clarity and better/real surity is interesting to see and watch.. It does TWO things - gives us all the opportunities to decide wrong... and still be alright.  and two: it rocks our boats about trusting... TRUST can be achieved -- but trust is often mixed with uncertainties...

We All Want To KNOW.... What? 

And then -- BELIEVE? Experience the belief and trust...

Was I ...?? Am I ??? - trustworthy? In expressing my feelings - I want to be and mean to be... and right now -- late in life .. and then early in life -- being sensitive and therefore knowing how I feel... VERY Impaired. OR/and not there... and WANTED! I am such a watching romantic. I therefore think I am a romantic... AND - I need to both act and be acted upon with romance!!!!

2026 Daily - 02/06/2026

 Doing this ... in early afternoon. Had the pleasures of talking with Amy in the morning and just now, this afternoon, with Sarah. Nice to hear voices... and find out how things are going. Each of working hard and doing well, I think and hope.

Rotary this morning - sang, packed food... no biscuits and gravy .. but maybe another time.

In touch w/Dana and will talk with her tomorrow afternoon. I could but am hesitating suggest meeting but I think I will wait on her to decide. I did tell Steve at this morning's hangout that I was no longer seeing Ellen. I didn't mention Dana... The point IS --- how content am I as I am??? In ways - being by myself is easy however having a partner is better, I think... and I do think/wonder about that a lot. And - currently I am hesitating making travel plans by myself. AH.... get a CAR... and then short, medium, and long trips!!!

As usual - What's the Big Idea today??? This morning the idea of being dependent on others as we grow old came up ... and we are all interdependent ... elderly give care givers employment... purpose...  As I've said before -- being immobile is not the worst, end of things... What is important is awareness, communication, understanding...learning... 

========pause==============PUBLISHED NEXT EVENING.....

2026 Daily - 02/05/2026 - woke up AND??? and films (children and unbearable)

 Well when I awoke today I thought for a couple of minutes that is Saturday and I needed to get dressed, etc and leave by around 8:30... maybe earlier if there was fog... and then I realized it was Thursday so all I needed to do was get dressed and get some coffee and get to my computer.... DONE....

Landscaping coming along. Pergola is getting going now and planter boxes have been revived and new raked soil looking good. I will need to plant in them and get some planters for other areas of the yard...  Went to bank today and got cash for men, workers, etc... Dave... I only hope it is enough ..  not too much... just right!

FOOD -- I am eating one of the salad bags ... HMMM.... and added some extra fresh feta. Very good. Got Costco Pep Pizza the other day and it is pretty good and very reasonable! I will do pizza again and only get the fresh feta and fresh mozzerlla... Better options!!!  Looks like the fresh broccoli may be too old... or maybe I will cook it up today..... soon?? Got a different (american) package of smoked salmon. Its ok...  Weight is going up ... especially mornings after I had some alcohol... 

What are the ideas for today? From book "Children of men" ... I know I was born, I'm alive, and I will die... Beyond that I am not sure of much. Other stuff in there about power, egotism.... love and feelings. Book very different than film. Got me thinking about my favorite film that had/has - ordinary sex, special sex, loving sex, politics, personal competence, integrity, authenticity, loyal friendship, deceit and anxiety, war, peace, democracy, authoritarianism, more???

This is being written at almost 2pm. Earlier had a consultation w/Fidelity guy. Might do something... Re-balance a bit what I have, maybe begin a new account w/RMD to try them out. Will probably cancel Fisher appt. One is enough! Market has been falling the past few days. Disturbing!!! Etrade and Fidelity suffering losses. I need to remember to spend my Costco specific check and then cash in Citi bank rewards. 

Will talk w/Dana in about an hour (at 3pm). What IS a serious subject? Meantime ... pausing now to check MB and Leos... etc..

=========================

2026 Daily - 02/04/2026 - growth, development, anger

 day 4... of consistantly writing...!!???

SO - woke up today and did some stretching. I need to get a routine of stretching going. Soon I will have breakfast and then workout and then a noon program and, I think, Jewish Orthodoxy as a movement ... like Reform and Conservative .... Maybe. That is my assumption from title, etc:

Professor Shanes will present and discuss his book Orthodoxy: A Modern Denomination (forthcoming with Rutgers University Press).

Or as a "denomination" as is the title. Interesting and meaningful and I think understandable labeling. Will see/hear more at noon.

AND today I have a lot of reading to do... My copy of Children of Men expires today and I have a bit more then a hundred kindle pages to go. I think I can do it! Maybe my errands for water will get done by "returns" will wait til another day.

Landscaping in backyard is moving along and nearing completion. I expect the "pergola" to arrive and begin going up today... Probably!?? I am not rushing anything and there is significant FOG again this morning. All is well... pausing now.

=================

so - about growth, development, anger --- I was brought up in a household where a lot of anger was expressed - verbally against my mother and me... maybe not my sister. I suffered physical abuse -- ok for those times... but never ok!!! That colored my development I think, on some current consideration. When I was growing up ... expressing anger towards my oppressors (parents) was not allowed. It was repressed, I guess, and it was behaviour modeling I saw. (NOTE: there was that time of quiet and terribly effective response to my mother on my way out of the house to college one summer day...). When I dated, etc... I was, I think, somewhat repressed in various ways. Being SENSITIVE was not allowed to me... and after getting married I may have found I could express anger.... NOT a good thing... but done. I have worked a lot to stop behaving with anger.,. going instead to emotions/behaviours that preceed anger - sadness is the big one.. Disappointment another. Maybe even some depression from time to time for a little while.  SO - brought up with anger, lived with anger, fought against being angry. ALSO - brought up - repress feelings (be a man!), moderate feelings, now looking for full feelings. I am a work in progress!!!

(pausing).

2026 Daily - 02/03/2026

 3rd day now ... writing in this blog. What is happening? What has changed? 

WELL -- I had the usual Tuesday morning walk w/Ava even though my heel - or side of my right heel was hurting. Well the walk may have done it good. Loosened it or something. Less pain... almost no pain. As for my left arm which is awaiting an MRI ... that does seem to need the MRI just in case .. before I begin working out my upper body again.

COMMUNICATIONS...??? Heard from Lori and we will talk on weekend. And later today will talk w/Dana -- about my "issue"....

And - back now from my book club where the book discussed was:  Crossing to safety - by Wallace Stegner. I need to read another book by him... "Angle of repose" (getting audio version on hoopla now). And I continue to read - Children of Men.... and will look for Potok book for next month... 

(ended abrubtly, early - published next day as I started next day's entry)

2026 Daily - 02/02/2026

 As I wait to connect to religious services .... via zoom .... (it is now almost 8am -- so some problem at Walnut Creek - I might try Mosaic Law soon) - I write:

Last night was a nice tu'b'shvat potluck at Bimla's and Harel's. Good group of people. BASIL!!! (chuck?) and Recardo who has a son Faustino and friend Max. And several CBH  poeple there, too. Good food. I brought a nice bottle of white wine from Berryessa Gap... (oldie but goodie).

Did I say the past Friday night was special.... Sarah came w/Foxie and we had a nice dinner at Buckhorn.

Also yesterday, Sunday, a long and good rehearsal w/Davis Chorale as we prepare to sing Mozart's Rquiem.

TODAY - later a regular reheasal, see Jim, and read in Children of Men.. as I prepare for my mc'ing that book in a few months. It has differences from movie ... but ok, so far. There is more details of some groups who have concerns and resist ... but there is a lot more to read in the book that coincides with the movie. I await it !!!!

On my calendar is Death Cafe -- might go .. probably not. And there is Indivisible Yolo - liberal/left politcal action group's weekly meeting. Maybe?

Thoughts for the day have not come up. Yesterday heard a bit from Dana who lives far away. She has yet to respond to astrology question. Driving is not her thing and that is disturbing to her sense of equality which I find postively interesting. So ... will see if she responds and how.

Logs on google sheets show - weight going up and assets also going up... today. Big asset jump. Creeping up of weight. Yesderday's pot luck and then my having some snacks, sugery, when I got home, as well as the wine - known causes. I can try better this week!

(1st publishing point)

2026 Daily - 02/01/2026 - back, education, diversity, centralized power

HELLO whoever is reading this .... 

1:BACK

It has been about two months since I last wrote... AHHH... me and voluntary discipline! Today I almost didn't begin what may be a new chosen set of routines... Lack of time, discipline, trip to Vietnam, recovery from horribly stretched arm, etc on last day of that trip, and now - better!!!

On February 1, 2026 begin this new daily morning routine - all days EXECPT Saturday/Shabbat. Noted on calendar and maybe check-offs there that I've done the stuff.

lie in a bed a few minutes, weigh-in, stretch a little, put some clothes on

get a cup (double cup) of coffee and do blogging

check the news (paper Monday - Friday) and/or online those days and on Sunday

THEN - maybe followup with more writing or go on to services (Monday and Thursday) or something

Rest of the day - workout, read, choral rehearsing, other socializing and entertainment. Maybe correspond with people afar and near.

Some dinners out... including Friday night dinner (w/Neal... sometimes at Hillel)

ENJOY LIFE!!!!

on Saturday, Shabbat - drive to services, lunch, and ????? (Shabbat nap, a movie, etc)

2. Education -- generally a way to instill community values, ideas, ways and means. Sort of indoctrination. Benign but subjective and too often chauvinistic (in some way - race, gender, religious, etc). HOW does one teach FREEDOM, Free thinking... and such! To what extent can free thinking be tolerated? How can it be taught? WHAT IS FREEDOM???

3. Diversity --- often fear of the "other" is more real than respect of the other and the other's dignity. We are all similar in certain basic ways and individuals and groupings of individuals are different and special. It is very iimportant to limit and even eliminate the subjugation of "others" and to tolerate and accept ALL!

4. Centralized power --- There have been, I think, political organizing of geography which has centralized certain powers while allowing communities to live as they preferred - religiously, economically??, racially??, sexually/gender, etc etc.. AND in various places such as markets and cities all the diverse groups could come and meet, share, etc. etc. Rome may have been like that. The Arab/Turkish/Muslim Empire(s), Cyrus's biblical nation, and maybe others. THEN - too often/sometimes the central power begins thinking it is The Best Single Way - by religion or ethnicity or nationalism, etc etc...  The Individual and The Group are in constant tension between freedom and enslavement. The Fight is always ON.

2025 Daily - 12/02/2025 - CBH and IMPACT Question, answers, and Eating

As noted in the post yesterday ... Tom Stoppard died and The Forward noted his works did something imiportant and that was:

"Much of Stoppard’s work revolved around the question of what it really means to live an important life — one that is not just full, but has some kind of identifiable impact on others."

NOT that my life is/was/will be seen as "important" but what is my life, especially going forward that is making some kind of identifiable impact on others????!!! SO - the question is more than "to be or not to be".

------

above written a few days earlier and published today... maybe later? It is not 6am...

Answers:

What am I currently doing/getting as I am dating.... Conversation, companionship, some care/interest. some feeling of being wanted..., and some physical touching (as much as I can currently do... being old and having had prostate surgery).

Do I want more? Maybe --- maybe someone to go to sleep with and wake up with... daily. Maybe. Someone to shar meals with... And goals, tasks??? And a travel companion?

SO -- it is a nice thing I have w/Ellen... I wonder what more can be... with her OR with someone?

CHEMISTRY????!!!! Or is such something for young people and for me ... there is some other essential???

===============

Eating??

I am watching what I am eating ... No alcohol (or a very little... as it messes with my metabolism as well as adding calories) AND Some lessoning of carbs, sugars... Hafl a bagel... Some... And a bit more protein.

Regulating my eating - No eating after 9pm AND a 15-16 hour fast (the last couple of days have gone ok)

==============

about CBH.... and maybe if I go this Shabbat... I will say something...??? WHAT???? Here are some notes .. and there are other notes in a word processed document

the rejection unjustly by the young Rabbis and lack of support from the Board (to be fair I did not direclty ask the Board to help .. but they were aware of what was going on..) - was significant, to say the least.

Past hurts from the community included: a breaking of the word of a significant paid person; twice choices made when I broke up with someone in favor of the other;l generally a lack of welcoming in people's homes for dinners - Shabbat especially; a lack of reciprocation for my invites to Seders and some other events; presumptive remarks by some recently; general lack of appreciation all the many years - by congregants and clergy and Board; no outreach during COVID!!!; more????

AND from CBH... in return for whatever I did do ... such as being on the Board, one year being President, all the times on the Bimah, library work, other volunteer support.... AGAIN LITTLE RETURN... but I list these things because I WAS HONORED... and HAPPY TO SERVE... 

Bottom line -- it all was for nothing when rejected unjustly with no process and no opportunity to face accusers... An END was reached ... if not the book at the very least a bunch of chapters. 

FUTURE.... I think official and public reaching out ... by the Board ... would make some difference. It might not fully bring me back... I DO have a sense of loyalty now to CBS (Walnut Creek). And volunteering is not likely something I will do... IF asked and I'm present ... I will respond positively .. but where once I might have been seen as a leader... that was voluntary and part of the past. The future has to be different.... I am not sure what that will/can be.

2025 Daily - 12/01/2025 - What I do...and should do...??!! IMPACT (revised)

Got ahead of myself ... publishing this on the 30th... dating it the 1st... Oh well. See end where there is an addition which is the revision..

 I think. I read. I write. And try to figure things out. I want to shine a light on good and important things!!!

So - in the recent New Yorker an article (not yet read by me) brings up the  issue of old stories -- worth reading and considering came to fore. There are old books worth reading ... and they don't need adaptations .... they need to be known. Sometimes they need to be translated. AND A LOT OF THE TIME for me ... it is worth finding what others have thought and said about the work.

STUDY!!!!... that is the thing. Then sharing that with people who have not heard or seen these things ... and we can save ourselves the trouble by not RE-INVENTING things. The stories have mostly been told. The issues characters wrestled with have been shown and solutions suggested. Up to us to know and then choose. CHOOSE!! We are free to choose!

What did I do in/during my life? How meaningful and effective.... was I? First that is a question for me to answer for myself... Then?? Next could be and are: my meaning and effect on my daughters? It is possible that once upon a time that question could be applied to mother, father, and sister... BUT now that is no longer an issue. HMMMM.. INTERESTING..

The bookclub I'm in is great. Good socializing once a month with some guys.

ANOTHER bookclub might be: The Classics and report on them! And I could look at Goodreads... and such to see if there are groups out there now... Probably there are!!! My ideas are rarely really original.... however - IF the old books are generally/basically being read and understood by old folks... TWO THINGS: one: what good does it do for how long if only the old folks learn issues and solutions that already are availalbe.... two: how to get young folks into these short cuts ...!!!???

I ALSO TRAVEL... and it would be nice to do it better.. Really connect with people. New people - far and wide and old people (back home, new, old, young) ... talk about trips).

==================

about the should... FIRST - Shoulds are ok... They are difficult but necessary if we are to be in society.... imho... and current thinking. We all want to have some expectations met... and if we act certain ways ... based on shared shoulds ... then there is less uncertainty.

For me - my PASSION has long been thinking about CONSERVATION... though I go it alone... in my head... and in some actions. And - Zero Population Growrh is part of that. THEN - TODAY - AI... and my thinking about AI is... 1. its here, 2. it will keep coming. 3. THE PROBLEM is short term... as is Population...

Short term in the sense -- hard to move to a lower population, economiclly, AND when/if people are displaced at work by AI ... what will they do? Create? Art? Play? Have we seen this with Roman bread and circus'? What was happening back then and how did it turn out? LEARN... The past is now and in the future ... Find the BEST... not the WORST!

Is the problem RE-DISTRIBUTION of wealth? Physical transfers? Real transfers. Sharing. Isn't there enough for all???

===================

Just read that Tom Stoppard died. I have seen many of his plays ... and will try to remember them. The Forward had an article which is why I found out about Mr. Stoppard and in that article they said:

"Much of Stoppard’s work revolved around the question of what it really means to live an important life — one that is not just full, but has some kind of identifiable impact on others. The main character of Travesties isn’t Joyce, Lenin or Tzara; he’s an endearingly self-satisfied British diplomat, Henry Carr, who briefly found himself in the same circles as those luminaries. As the play opens, decades later, he’s trying to conjure up a memoir about his time in the presence of the greats, with the implication that he deserves to be considered among their ranks."

It is the idea of IMPACT that IS MY QUESTION NOW.... What have I done, what do I do? What will I do?

I think I CAN give answer to past and present though the people and stuff on which I have had an impact will be the essential judges. As for the future? That is THE QUESTION, really.  See the Dec. 2, 20254 entry where I will try to fully get into it!!!!!

2025 Daily - 11/30/2025 - Justice and innocence from The World

SO -- I believe in Presumed Innocent... and Due Process ... 

It is good to learn, too... And unfortunately we have been learning bad stuff from other parts of the world... Just a thought... Why can't we learn good...???? What does the basic, real, essential majority want --- OR is it me and the Bell Curve -- and the ends justify the means - so to speak... The Mean Average is the big bulge in the middle... and the two ends - the right and the left -- move everything. Why? Is it necessary? Is there an alternative?

NOTE: more near end of Dec.1st... entry.... What To Do? Me? Otheres? ALL of us?

2025 Daily - 11/29/2025 - CBS or H??? Me, the community, SHARING?

Congregation B'nai Shalom or Congregation Bet Haverim?

House of Peace or House of Friends?

Distant or Near?

And who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to be?

It is easy for me to carry on at CBS ... I seem wanted, honored, aided, supported. Maybe needed, too. I have been involved with them for about five years ... maybe a bit more. I have not asked for much. I have been offered housing when I thought I would like to stay overnight for Kol Nidre Eve. People say they like/love me. It is inconvenient because it is an hour away by car when there is no traffic or weather (fog?) issues. I zoom to stuff when that is possible such as for some education programs anbd for services on Mon. and Thur. mornings. I miss certain melodies and enjoy new melodies. I like and respect the Rabbi and also the Hazzan. I'm comfortable and happy when I am there. And Ellen is part of my life, too. \

Returning to CBH is not easy. While there are some people who have, since I was ousted, invited me back and/or have expresses in interest in my being back and/or have said they miss me and such... the "powers that be" - the Board... has made no such entreaties. Also, over the 40 years I was a member -- including more than 30 years on the Bimah at High Holidays and on many Shabbats as a prayer leader and also often being Gabbai for many bnai mitzvahs there was NO or very minimal appreciation shown to me about what I did ... all of which was voluntary.

Ture and relative to being appreciated -  sometimes I was hurt, sometimes I was bothered and sometimes I didn't care about whether I was appreciated or not since it a service I did for the community and felt honored, too, to some extent. It is possible to say I should have expected nothing. However - I am not that righteous.

As for friends at Bet Haverim - well ... to some extent but also not as much as would have been nice. I had many people to my table and celebrations over the years and very little reciprocation done. Me? Others? The point is... not much reaching out to me. 

And I can wonder what spins some people may have put on my being dismissed. KNOW - I did nothing worthy of being dismissed from the Bimah and as for relationships with various people .... there were rough things between me and some.... especially those who sometimes did things right, sometimes not, and those who are arrogant and disrespectful. I spoke up a few times .. and the arrogance and how things were done were not well addressed ... but I tolerated things since things, people, I -- don't change ... or at least change can be difficult just as apologizing and atonement is difficult. SO - I could do penance if I knew for what... AND if the Board were to acknowledge I was wronged while they stood apart. I would say the married Rabbi couple did not have the power to keep me off the Bimah ... but they proclaimed I could not serve there and probably stood on "freedom of the pulpit" as their authority ... which I don't think is correct. But the Board did nothing at the time. They, though a new group of people, can represent the Congregation and apologize to me and others since I doubt I am the only one who was wronged by those Rabbis. HEALING is the IMPERATIVE... And as for future appreciation -- and any participation I might do ... a contractual monetary cost would be very nice! Perhaps necessary.

Also - I like the educated and authentic and personal leadership at Bnai Shalom ... and I wonder and think the Conservative movement is essentially like that. Well educated, welcoming, warm... interested and interesting. 

AND SO -- maybe there should be a division here in Davis ... a diminishing of the Reform group and the growth and establishment of a Conservative group... With sharing of Torahs. With a long-term (five year) paid leasing of space for the Conservative group. Shrinking the size of the Reform group would mean less dues to URJ and a need for either a half-time Rabbi or a lower-paid younger Rabbi. Certain committees might be shared across groups. Social Action for one. Not Ritual. Office services might be shared. Education MIGHT be shared. Pastoral counseling could be shared or separate... or somewhat costshared. Buildings and grounds upkeep would be the Reform groups responsibility while the Conservative group would be essentially be paying rent. SHARING would be the basis for use of the Campus -- which has already been paid into by people from both groups.. BUT a real separation would be made with authority over various things reserved by each group.

========================================

IN ANY CASE....me.... ????? No matter the songs I know... but maybe ... tomorrow???!!! CHASE WHAT DREAM?

Who am I? To sit and wonder... to wait ... til the wheels of fate slowly grind themselves away...who am I? - As I recall it was another group that I heard do this... but Country Joe and the Fish do the words as I recall.....

LISTEN HERE...

Who Am I

Song by Country Joe and the Fish ‧ 1967

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

There were some things that I loved one time
But the dreams are gone I thought were mine
And the hidden tears that once could fall
Now burn inside at the thought of all
The years of waste, the years of crime
Passions of a heart so blind
To think that but even still
As I stand exposed, the feelings are felt
And I cry into the echo of my loneliness.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

What a nothing I've made of life
The empty words, the coward's plight
To be pushed and passed from hand to hand
Never daring to speak, never daring to stand
And the emptiness of my family's eyes
Reminds me over and over of lies
And promises and deeds undone
And now again I want to run
But now there is nowhere to run to.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

And now my friend we meet again
We shall see which one will bends
Under the strain of death's golden eyes
Which one of us shall win the prize
To live and which one will die
'Tis I, my friend, yes 'tis I
Shall kill to live again and again
To clutch the throat of sweet revenge
For life is here only for the taking.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?
Who am I?

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Joe Allen Mcdonald

2025 Daily - 11/28/2025 - Take for granted...

I think I recognize much common grounds amongst people. There are commonalities I see yet I wonder if I TAKE SUCH THINGS FOR GRANTED.... is that a good thing? I think I take a lot for granted.... The health and futures of my daughters... I didn't make a BIG deal about their births. It is not a good thing I don't make big deals about stuff. 

I also think that tragedies that happen to groups of people are NOT so big... The numbers don't get to me...often! Shit happens, they say, whoever "they" are. 

What else do I/have I taken for GRANTED... Loves? Friends? Family? Work/jobs... EVERYTHING!!! And so my feelings are muted... not present. Insensitive me. NO REACTIONS.... except there were days/times when ANGER was THE Reaction.  What a terrible way to be!!!

I write this on the 27th ... but publishing on the Friday after Thanksgiving! Grateful... ??? For what and HOW? How to be grateful and how to SHOW IT!!!

How to be expressive? Express love, appreciation, joy, gratitude, etc. BE BRAVE and speak up! About the good! Maybe about the bad, too. BUT DEFINITELY - about the GOOD