2026 Daily - 03/09/2026

 (FYI - previous post written on the 8th and published, confirmed, just now - about 5:45am, 3/9/26)

Today I just heard CDC is recommending polio booster for Spain... I am about to request it from my health people... I hope I don't need to go up to Sacramento. Just sent request to Dr. Dima.

It is early -- and I am off to workout soon... get it done today. Maybe shop some shoes later in morning!

The Google News report about a half-hour ago was nothing new about WAR.... except, 8 US soldiers now killed. New hardliner to head Iran... and widening conflict w/Israeli troops entering Lebanon.

Issue of the Unveiling still on my plate, mind. Basically negative to going... because its a mausaleum, because of distance, because of Debbie and my parents and their relationship with me, because of her partner, because no one else will attend except Cindy and Arnold.... Essentially Florida and all the "family" there is not for me and I am not for them. SADLY but truly and really. Parents and sister didn't need or want me and my family. I've lived without them for most of my life. Now, in death, I can only remember and try to understand and clarify the stories from my perspectives. Sure... I can check with others about information, details, etc... but how much do others accurately and fully remember. My sister's recollections were seriously lacking - about me, about her, too, so about ???!!

Aaaahhhh... my struggles!

========pause=========published on the 10th=====

2026 Daily - 03/08/2026 - amends, unveiling, mortality

 Had coffee w/Andrew and shared some stuff about New Zealand... I am not a great tour guide/presenter. I need to get better!!! Study, prepare, etc etc... He got something, I think. It was cool to hang and talk... about the congregation, the community, G-d, amends...

Talk w/Andrew --- on who does one depend? On The Community!!! - G-d is beyond.... I think he would say -- G-d is not dependable for everyday mundane things... I can agree... With BIGGER picture sutff - I see G-d as essential... But for personal progress, happiness, help, support... daily... it is The Community... and I guess I have to add: Under G-d...  In other words -- I am trying to get all the powers together in some way!

About Amends -- I had the thing w/Ellen which got me thinking about such things. I sent a note to the Prez of CBH and to R. Simon... and got back something... Not enough from either ... but CBH is pending and apologies from R. is just so difficult for anyone. 

About the unveiling... I am 95 percent sure I do not want to do it... Based on feelings, traditions, and stuff. I have not yet given my decision to Cindy ... I will let things perculate a few more days and maybe talk w/R. Stein... or not. Online info is interestingly mixed - especially about mausoleums. Confusing, actually!. It is very far to go... very few people would attend. The posting of a picture is disturbingly odd. My ideas about  changing things are barely appropriate. I was rejected so why do I do what I do??? No one of them really made any amends... though my mother and sister could have.... Interesting info from lawyer about father's will. This could drive ME CRAZY!!!

Why do unveiling: some sort of tradition... 

Why not do unveiling: distance, attendance will be minimal by others, what is unveiled at a mausoleum, Steve, what would my sister have done if it was me... (I doubt she would come)

Who cares??? Does this provide CLOSURE?? for me or for whom? It IS true -- in recent years - most of the years of my life -- I have done or tried to do ... for the three of them. Their reactions were always negative and not reciprocated. Serve me said they.. serve me... do what I want - said they for themselves. AND when I did do or try to do -- there was active disregard/disrespect and it may or may not have been intentional - but it was/happened.. YES - they did support my education - 4 years out of 5. AND they helped in the late 80's with a gift for fixing up my house .. but that gift was meant to be repaid with obedience and fawning gratitude.

A lesson to me... as I consider the gifts I give to my kids... AND a certain amount of minimal gratitude... BUT I gave a gift!!! It was a gift... not a purchase. However I do watch out for manipulations and a King Lear effect. I have not meant so much to support my adult children as much as give them the ability to not be financially stressed. I say that as I recently heard Amy is under financial stress as her abode-building is in need of a big repair/maintenance project. 

AND why am I fretting over making amends, having amends made, unveilings... etc etc... I think it is related to my thoughts about my personal mortality. Making PEACE on any level is VERY IMPORTANT... and there are areas of a lack of peace which could be, might be fixed... EVEN if it means my initiating more than I ought to.. like w/Susan R. And there continues to be people with whom I need to just leave things be... no matter what the past.... PEACE is best!

Today will be Celebration of Life... for Hannah Stein. Now is about 12:30pm ... coming up at 2pm

And now --- 5:20pm -- off to workout.

2026 Daily - 03/07/2026

 VERY nice day.... awoke early - drove to services - saw Ellen - movie, hugs, dinner.. Came home (a few things tomorrow). A lot of good talk and understanding w/Ellen... Maybe ????!!!!

Heard from Cindy -- question of Unveiling ... probably a no-go ... for various reasons.. BUT I am considering and will check about tradition.... (will check online soon and/or w/rabbi)

Tomorrow -- biggish day.... walk and talk about New Zealand w/Andrew and Jan. Then Memorial Celebration for Hannah Stein. 

It is late as I write this... so -- good night!

2026 Daily - 03/06/2026

Went to Rotary via zoom this morning. Will go to Costco later for gasoline. I need water, too. And someday ??? send stuff to Amy!!

AND - I continue to consider a second (final?) note to R. Simons... after his response which was interesting, ok, insufficient - even with what he said. Apologies are sooo difficult and putting blame elsewhere is easier, sadly. So - I have been working on drafts... And I suppose it will go no where. BUT - once more into the breech...

Gasoline prices are rising. Stocks are falling. I need to fill up my gas tank. Crazy times!!!!!!

I've been watching the Atlas Shrugged 3-parter on Amazon. WOW -- some of that, a lot of that... seems like now.Controls on communication... laws by elites who have no care or connection with real poeple, fear mongering, labor unrest, and WAR.... There was not war in the show... so far... I am near the end of the program. AND - sharing and caring and taking care of ALL IS important as is - free will, freedom, TRUTH.

2026 Daily - 03/05/2026 - missed!!!!

 I did go (yesterday) to listen to the probable interim Rabbi for CBH. Fairly interesting.

Also - had a short session w/Owen from Fidelity and made some balancing changes in portfolio. More international now.

Had a workout, rehearsal.... all good. Finished the seventh series of Brokenwood on PBS... there are more on ACORN....???

2026 Daily - 03/04/2026

 Here I am ... about 9pm... tired... longish day. A zoom about Passover, waiting for bugman - who finally DID arrive, shopped Lexus - found their UX suv... hibrid... interesting and least expensive.... Zoomed w/friends heading to Spain, and a Brokenwood episode... NOW this.

Stock market recovered a bit today. All bills from garden/landscaping work arrived. Total = 53282.13. - 75 dollars is "convenience" fee...

Now -- what's the big idea(s)???? We are in a time of war and hate and anti-semitism and blame....  Is peace ever possible???

And there is the inadequate response from Rabbi Simon... I am not sure it/when I might try again. And of course others don't respond... I've been ghosted.... 

Then there is Ellen -- of not?

I need to be more positive!!! From early in morning ... through the whole day!!! HOW?? What to say/pray each morning!!!?? There is Modeh Ani and the Four Affirmations by R. Nachman.

BTW -- the music of: andre rieu is very very good... and accessible... and fun...

AND -- I have set an end to eating at 9pm.... Today - try IN BED ... at 10pm. Maybe change end to eating to 8pm... tomorrow..

2026 Daily - 03/03/2026 - war, war, war...

 The man-of-war - w/the orange face --- wants a peace prize???? Biblically -- the warriar King David couldn't build The Temple ... but his son Solomon who was without blood on his hands ... did. T-man is no David and t-man's sons are no where near who and what was Solomon... These are different days. And very difficult days. The NYTimes has a headline, front page, top left -- blaming Israel...!!!?? I think NOT... While Israel may be participating and may be pleased with effects ... the final results are yet to be known and I have doubts about how good they may be and how long whatever may last... AND - the deaths on both/all sides are I think - unnecessary and therefore tragic. Now - maybe they were/are necessary... nevertheless the ways of talk/negotiations could have been carried forward a bit more... AND t-man is breaking Constitutional Law and being allowed to get away with declaring warS.

On another hand - its Purim ... and what is there to do but drink! A bit of coffee w/Kaluah... and then onto bookclub, visit w/Rachel, chorus.

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Decent day..... did the various things. Discussion at bookclub about end of life planning. Stay in home? Residential setting? Where would one be more or less lonely?

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THOUGHTS..... I need to be way more positive!!!!! From morning waking!!!

2026 Daily - 03/02/2026 - the winner writes history

 so --- today is the Monday after the weekend of war on Iran in the Middle East. I wonder how many munitions were dropped by the US and how many by Israel... and how many casualties on both sides! Surely most casualities at this point are Iranian including their leadership.

THE QUESTION - do the ends justify the means? Or do the means justify the ends? The fact is, historically, the side with the power and that takes the initiatives chooses and I must say that the US and Israel - on one hand have chosen to justify the ENDS... with the use of undeclared warfare. On THE OTHER HAND -- it occurred to me, perhaps late, perhaps now that things are in motion, that would not the assassination of Hitler in the 30's been a good thing... and that would have been the ends justify means? 

Ahhhh... HISTORY!!! One thing people often say - we don't know and learn from history so we continue to make the same mistakes. On ANOTHER HAND... we do know history and we use various old models of action that seem time tested, fully formed, and ok ... if WE WIN!!!! So what is the value of learning from history? What really works in dealings with competing groups? Power? Negotiations? Cooperation? Fair competition? WHAT works for the LONG TERM? Unfortunately I must say -- there is not apparent lasting authentic answer. Peace and properity are the goals and peace is the necessary basis and sometimes peace lasts for a while... But nothing lasts forever. There is no infinity for a LIVING PEACE... unless it is death which comes to all and seems The End and Forever - except in memories of those left alive who in turn will die, too.  OY!  

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atended Death Cafe --

Made my point which came to me recently... The Present isn't THE THING that so many of us sort of depend on for feeling good... In The Moment... because the moment passes, was based on the past and becomes the past. The future is least certain and the most mystery... SO - is Curiosity the thing! Being open to what comes? Having hopes along with anxiety about the future??? Is that Most Real?

And about changing the past.... What was? Who says? Someone said or should say. 'The past isn't what is used to be'. For me I can now write/re-write the family history of my nuclear family since I am THE one left ... standing.... It may be true that others have other memories and interpretations .. but certainly there was little consultation with me and comparison of facts, figures, etc. AND there was that conversation w/Debbie where she clearly remembered things differently than I remembered them. Weirdly interesting.

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2026 Daily - 03/01/2026 - family dreams

 AAaahhhh.... if only I had a family!!! Or at least a past family... I DO have my daughters and that is wonderful... Just wish I had what others had ... with memories and all. IF I were to place responsibilities .. how much on me... and how much on them... mother, father, sister?  One way I think of things and which was supported by some therapists and friends and family... is that I did not respond well or react well after and while seeing them. Therefore -- to protect my fagile self ... I distanced myself ......ahhh... now to today/nextday....

2026 Daily - 02/27/2026 - overpopulation !!!!!

 The NY Times and NPR and other places have been reporting on the falling birth rate and the reports all seem to address the need for more people. More and more consumers, producers. workers...!! Support the elderly. Don't be selfish. Women should give up being independent. Etc etc... etc..!

On another hand... fewer people consume less, pollute less, use fewer resources, etc etc ... RIGHT?

AND - with abortion now restricted those forces which pressed for taking that right away are now going after contraceptives... AGAIN!!!... 

And also -- various groups feel/think they need to increase THEIR numbers...

Immigration is not acceptable....  YET -- immigration and food and shelter and clothing... etc etc.. is a problem of DISTRIBUTION! A problem of FAIR SHARING.... 

THE QUESTION: How can we shrink the population of the world without a collapse of civilization - read - without an ECONOMIC COLLAPSE?

Answers to that question can be found in some work by economists. Lets hear them so we can consider and make choices that do not risk individual freedom or the health of the planet!

Economic collapse or the collapse of civilization is one way out.... Disease and death by a pandemic or pandemonium - read wars... is a known way to reduce the population. Harsh and quick and chaotic and BAD! In my opinion. SO -- where are solutions that do not call for INFINITE EXPANSION which is impossible!!!!

As has been said -- WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN... WHEN WILL WE EVER.... LEARN!

2026 Daily - 02/26/2026 - thoughts and beds

 Well - as for beds... I am almost there... A deal for the one I have been trying seems good and changes to the one I have selected likely -- only free frame and maybe a new bed... and haul away necessary (may be the law)... To be "settled" tomorrow ... ahhh... choices!!!!

Then there was my thinking about what if I am asked to help at HH Services? What might I say ??? To all at the Redwood gathering and/or on the Bimah ... during evenings or at Mincha on YK? I might say -- It is really an honor and pleasure to be here. I thank the Board and many people in the Davis Jewish community who have warmly asked me to return. SO -- here I am ... serving as I did for more than 30 years. Where have I been? Where am I? You may ask ... Basically I have prayed and served and been welcomed at a Conservative synagogue in Walnut Creek. I hope in the years I was there -- some shared with Bet Haverim and some only there ... I have learned things and considered things that I can share here and be of help to people seeking the spiritual, the intellectual, the communal. I have never left Kol Yisrael. I may be more part of Kol Yisrael for being away for a while... from this specific community. The point is ... Jews are here and there and everywhere and through all time. We are a people, we are family, we have a geographic space - Israel, we have history, we have G-d. YES - I said G-d... and though people of the 20th and 21st century may not think about G-d the reality is, in my opinion, that G-d was, is, and will be what our hearts and minds must wrestle with. As some of you know === Israel is a word that means One Who Wrestles With G-d.... Sometimes G-d may win. Sometimes G-d may not seem to win... BUT - again in my opinion - the struggle to relate to G-d or to relate to The Good...is paramount in all our lives. I strongly and firmly believe that all people want to be good. The question always will be - What is the Good... Or What is G-d? Or Who is good? Who is G-d. O my or OOOOO....!!!!

Sadly - I had some other thoughts and things to express earlier today when I could not write them down... and maybe they are lost forever... Or maybe they will come back to me... IN any case... let me lead us here in the Redwood Grove in the four affirmations taught by the 18th century modern rabbi - Rabbi Nachman of Beslov -- who is buried in the sister city of Davis, CA -- in Uman, Ukraine...

Affirm Your Faith in Yourself

Spiritual Practice by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

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Affirm your faith in yourself:

• I believe that I am very important in God's eyes.

• I believe that I can return, no matter how far I've strayed.

• I believe that I have the inner strength to change.

• I believe that I can become truly devoted and close to God.

— Rebbe Nachman of Breslov in The Empty Chair by Moshe Mykoff, ed.

Or perhaps say: may I come to believe I am very important in G-d's eyes...

====thats all folks... for today==========

2026 Daily - 02/25/2026 - dreaming??!!

 Well....  up and at this ... at almost 8am ... as work is being done (with noise) in backyard... After coffee and this writing ... I will go to elliptical and than breakfast, etc...

THE POINT... today, this morning, this week, this month === Too many dreams and thoughts where Deanne is an actor. Wow?! WHY???? What is it/was it about me and her? Well - I have thought about the superstition I have relative to repeating things ... such as dating a Cancer/Moonchild ... or a Virgo. I have talked about the Queen Elizabeth Cunard ship..... AND LOVE!?

What about me and LOVE? Me and feelings and being sensitive? My Virgo father beat sensitivity out of me as much as he could... no crying boy! My mother was??? probably distant and certainly attached to my father and maybe in an unhealthy way. My sister was no where to be found in my life... She was attached to her/our parents in a traditional way... no leaving home without a husband.... and husband prospects had to be specially perfect... SO HERE I AM ... and I think I have serious trouble with my feelings and especially love and being in a relationship. I've been reactive and manipulated and bold. All me ... not blaming anyone but me and my ignorance and poor or lack of judgement. I have benefited by being reactive and longed for being manipulated. I just didn't followup and remained/maintained the relationships. Then I DID feel and express love but too early and to someone who was not trusting or interested or something. Poor choice... AND while I might have been able to maintain that relationship ... I didn't and may not have really wanted to... and maybe I couldn't and maybe this and maybe that...

TODAY -- being older with less testosterone (I never had a lot) ... I am in a quandary. What is good, ok, best.... for me? There was Harriet who took my breath away for about a day/week. Now there is Ellen and she is THERE... though she lives far away and she is busy with her continuing working life... And now there is a return to her after a bit of a break (about three weeks... undeclared... but done)... And there was a geographically distant foray with Dana ... though that was not deep. So ???

AND THEN -- there are the various social media stuff about how being ALONE is good, better, healthy (though TOUCH is missing), less stressful, etc... Contrasting with old Talmudic teaching about how having a partner is THE BEST...

I AM What/where/who I am!!!!! It is true -- no one is coming to save me. No one is responsible for making me happy. YES I would like to be loved... even or especially in a Victor Hugo way. BUT I AM OK.... I THINK... 

MASSAGE -- I need MASSAGE.... I have thought about that for a while... I wish I had a recommendation.... In any case I will find that!!! And soon.

=====pause============

Now it is noon......

I worked out.... 

WHAT DO I WANT????? Who am I? What do I want to learn? Teach?