It is early now - about 7:45am ... I didn't go to Rotary... am having some coffee. Paper newspaper was not on driveway otherwise I would be out in back yard w/my coffee... Markets went down yesterday and are recovering this morning. Rollercoaster!!!!
I'm reading a couple of books by Irvin D. Yalom ..
one: Staring at the sun (about the psychology of thinking about death)
from Amazon:
"Written in Irv Yalom's inimitable story-telling style, Staring at the Sun is a profoundly encouraging approach to the universal issue of mortality. In this magisterial opus, capping a lifetime of work and personal experience, Dr. Yalom helps us recognize that the fear of death is at the heart of much of our anxiety. Such recognition is often catalyzed by an "awakening experience"―a dream, or loss (the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job or home), illness, trauma, or aging.
Once we confront our own mortality, Dr. Yalom writes, we are inspired to rearrange our priorities, communicate more deeply with those we love, appreciate more keenly the beauty of life, and increase our willingness to take the risks necessary for personal fulfillment."
two: Becoming myself: a psychiatrist's memoir.
from Amazon:
"Irvin D. Yalom has made a career of investigating the lives of others. In this profound memoir, he turns his writing and his therapeutic eye on himself. He opens his story with a nightmare: He is twelve, and is riding his bike past the home of an acne-scarred girl. Like every morning, he calls out, hoping to befriend her, "Hello Measles!" But in his dream, the girl's father makes Yalom understand that his daily greeting had hurt her. For Yalom, this was the birth of empathy; he would not forget the lesson. As Becoming Myself unfolds, we see the birth of the insightful thinker whose books have been a beacon to so many. This is not simply a man's life story, Yalom's reflections on his life and development are an invitation for us to reflect on the origins of our own selves and the meanings of our lives."
AND WHAT ABOUT ME... me me me .... This IS my blog, my journal... and it is meant to preserve my thoughts and by writing to improve, develop myself.... SO:
I faced death quite closely when I had my pulmanary embololism... I was lucky in several ways ... and recovery was not too long in happening AND was accompanied by weight loss. I was in the 280 region and got down to the 225 region. And now I'm back up!!! I It has been SIX years since that event and I never say I was afraid or effected by that brush with mortality. I AM SOOOO INSENSITIVE!!!!!
Yalom's Becoming Myself book addresses COMPASSION... and while I think I express compassion to others ... I don't think I treat myself with compassion. I don't appreciate myself. I don't take enough good care of myself health/eating-wise. I DO exercise and I DO see doctors... but I don't always take the medications they suggest - though once I start certain meds I do take them daily as prescribed.
AND as for the "me me me" assertion above ... do I present myself such or am I viewed as caring? I fear I am NOT seen as caring ... even as I have caring thoughts in my head and I try to behave in caring ways and help in caring ways.
FOR NOW: oy
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Aaahhhh.... SEX - Sex, sex, sex,.....
For me - diminishing!!! Diane (condom), Deanne (disinterest and thickness size issue, Prostate, Susan (suddenly find I am unable to have strong erection), Ellen (not sensitive nor interested in having oral sex done to her). I must say -- I am not very happy with myself and my performance and what I can do or am allowed to do.
I have heeded Ellen's disinterest ... but I don't like the IMBALANCE.... I'm not sure what we are doing and why and where things are or will go... SO something is missing and we are not talking about anything, really. COMMUNICATION!!!!! Not initiated by me, tolerance of anything from her, and clarity, certainty... not present. SO - what is my comfort level? What do I want to change? Change would allow me to see other people... locally, etc... THAT is what I want to be able to do ... with a clear conscience based on clear communication. And when? What time is right to have The Conversation?
OY!!!!!
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