Well.. I am feeling better, almost healthy. I did take a lot meds (antihis, decongest, tylenol, expectorant, and cough med). SO - 3 hours later -- I am feeling ok and just got up from an hour long nap. Awoke to prepare for RJ volunteer thing but when I checked email for a link to the zoom was told things were canceled for today - kid had a field trip. Oh well... Will see if future dates work.
SO.... what might I do today to get on track for a purposeful life?
WELL - my mind easily goes to purpose relative to Jews in Davis. I used to be part of the community, then was removed by transient rabbis who obviously had their own problems, now don't really want to join back up ... but I have offered my services to them... but have not heard back. The psychology about this may have to do with my father's assertions that my father was boss at home while the men in the congregation were bosses there because they did not rule at home. MESSED up thinking, for sure. The only way I think I could feel ok back at CBH would be with restoration of my roles on the bimah at the high holidays. That return and that visibility could assuage my sensibilities.
On the other hand -- there have always been alternatives to CBH. For one - the Walnut Creek congregation. In addition to that .. Hillel at Davis, Chabad in Davis, and beyond... The Federation in Sacramento could be one, too.
SO - what do I, would I -- want to accomplish? Basically the encouraging youths to participate and grow our ways. IF we want youths -- we need to have them want us, others, oldies, youngies, themselves!... Leadership programs? Creative programs (new prayers, art, music???). And the idea I once had for a lighting system in the CBH sancturary based on the kabbalistic symbols and shape - the Sefirot. With todays LED's the structure could be metal or wood or even plastic? The basic shape and looks and words are prescribed by the symbol.. it is a matter of making it.
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again... lots of this coming from reading Staring at the sun... by Yalum
About what am I disappointed? Not becoming as Astronaut or somehow involved in the Space Programs? Not becoming a Rabbi or more in harmony with myself - a CaMayntor? I am also disappointed about how I was as a Father and Husband and Friend. Lots of disappointments!! Maybe also not becoming a Counselor/therapist... SO - so many things to do now... while there is still time!
One thing to look into again.. Chaplancy. And putting myself out in some way to be a Cantor. IF lived near a Space Base -- I might consider becoming a Docent. And as for Fathering -- I can talk and do what I can with my adult children. Friendships can be improved and as for a husband - well - maybe that ship has sailed though I wonder what would happen if I put that on my Profiles -- Find someone to whom I could be a good husband!
WHAT might have been? What may yet be?
So disappointments feed regrets... Regrets about the past may suggest a future. Considering the future and regrets to be... why? Live so there won't be future regrets. FULFILL ONE'S POTENTIAL.... What is my potential? What does Consummate one's life mean? Should I read Nietzche? "Thus spake Zarathustra" ??? And what about Shopenhauer? And other DISTRACTIONS!!!!
Maybe my traveling has been a distraction. It has also been a quest... Looking for something? SomeONE? Someplace? My THING is music, singing, leading others in song.... (like from the bimah). The ONE is not yet clear. And place ... is home in Davis though I suppose that is moveable.
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