2026 Daily - 04/26/2026 - after skipped days... Death and purpose???? and feelings...

 First - here are notes from an email meant to hold thoughts for this blog:

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Death death death .. what IF I were to die momentarily? What would I have NOT done that I would like to do .. have liked to do??

What is my unlived life???

Being a Cantor or a Rabbi??? Or some kind of educator, therapist??

And. . what are ALL my feelings about the death of my birth family? Father, mother, sister???? Why do I seem to not have real sad feelings? True .. there was great estrangement... And there was great bad feelings from them at me.   Or was it mostly my Father who was disappointed, angry, etc.   And what were his feelings??? AND what did he say in his will?

At best.    I'm full of words and ideas.   But FEELINGS? What do I feel? I know I've had trouble putting my feelings into words.   Or words to feelings??? A difference? Or the same? 

WHO DO I KNOW WHO I CAN TALK TO ABOUT FEELINGS?  Or do I only relate to people who also have trouble with feelings? Neal, others???

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WELL - those notes held a lot!! What are my feelings!!! About ???

People, purpose???

The question of purpose is one asked by several people... Pam for one! Have my travels been a distraction? Has travel had a purpose? What have I learned? Thought? Felt? 

For instance -- feelings about Aushwitz? Thoughts about property ownership? Both related to Judaism and both from trip to Baltics, Poland... etc... w/Robin.

And I do pay attention and am curious about Judaic stuff whenever I travel. Spain? Italiy/Sicily... And in distant past, also!

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Went to R. Brownstein's class on Tanya --- I am going to say.... I just am not able to understand what is being presented. .....

AND - I seem to have two different versions or translations of Tanya -- one from Sefaria .. and is the other from the Chabad site???? PERHAPS the Chabad version I saved of #37 ... is more than Tanya itself. Instead it is:

Lessons In Tanya »

By Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, elucidated by Rabbi Yosef Wineberg

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And now ... some dinner and maybe a movie...