small things, big things

I think the Talmud says that one should follow all mitzvots without thinking what is a large one and what is a small one. It is not for us to say what is big and little. They are all from G-d.

In my life I have peevs and such and some are seen by others as big and some as little. For me - their size is not the point. In fact - I sometimes will not talk about or complain about the big things because they are big while small things may be seen as manageble. Maybe I am wrong to deal with things this way.

What does one have control over? The big picture? OR the details?

From Fugitive pieces by Anne Michaels
p.22: "'It's a mistake to think it's the small things we control and not
the large, it's the other way around! We can't stop the small accident,
the tiny detail that conspires into fate: the extra moment you run back
for the something forgotten, a moment that saves you from an accident -
or causes one. But we can assert the largest order, the large human values
daily, the only order large enough to see.'"

ahhhh fighting

Fighting between those who are close. Those who have a history together. Those who share lots of life and who can have lots of issues. Some unsaid. Some crossovers. What have you? What you have is difficulty in focusing on the single things that come up. One person says - this is bothering me... and the other person says - well such and such is a problem for me. The such and such is a reaction to the "this" and now who knows what is the problem. One problem has become two and there really was just one... but now there is confusion and distraction and a first escalation and thus the opportunity to further escalate. and DISTRACT.

Darn....

Talmud says:
"5. Yosi ben Yochanan of Jerusalem said: Let your house be wide open and let the poor be members of thy household; and do not talk much with women. This was said about one's own wife; how much more so about the wife of one's neighbor. Therefore the sages have said: He who talks too much with women brings evil upon himself and neglects the study of the Torah and will in the end inherit Gehenna."

Talking with ones wife may be about issues and differences and peeves and anoyances and talking directly with the person who is party to the difficulty is very difficult. Defenses go up and too often offense happens, too. Some say the best defense is a good offense!

confession - vidui

On Yom Kippur we Jews recite the Vidui which is a confession of our sins. We do this publicly in and as a congregation at our Services. Some "sins" we may have committed and some we may not have. The idea of reciting the full litany with all the community may be assume that all such misbehaviours have been done by someone. OR - it may be a way of listing all those things which should not be done so as to serve as a notice and reminder of such things.

In any case... I and Karen are about to be married and it is a tradition to recite the Vidui/Confessional. How and when is not exactly clear at this moment and we will check with the Rabbi but the point must be that the Wedding is an end and a beginning and therefore a time to cleans ourselves. SO - we do the confessional and see forgiveness and we give forgiveness.

So much separation will be part of our wedding. Havdahlah separates the mundane week from the Holy Shabbat. The Wedding separates our pasts from our future together. All that went before has value and I/we are grateful for all from the past. But - the past is no longer! And we move into the future, together, and with this community and with others, too! Others who couldn't make it here and others who have not yet been met. Viva the Future!

forgiveness - so hard!

Forgiveness is the most important ability that anyone can have. Or... the ability to forgive is one of the very important qualities that a person needs. And - to be forgiving is very difficult. To be sorry and/or apologetic is also difficult.

SO - who said living was easy? Most people say that life is a struggle. Suffering is said to be everywhere. Joy may also be everywhere. Neither may be anywhere.

Being forgiving is not easy. So - is the opposite easy? Is it easy to hold a grudge? Is it easy to continue to do wrong things to somebody (a lover, a parent, a child) even when you know what you do is not good?

Well - I think it is not any easier to hold a grudge than it is to be forgiving. Furthermore, it is not easy to really be apologetic, which would mean that the bad thing(s) one is apologizing for will NEVER be done again as it is difficult to correct bad behaviors.

NOTHING is easy. Everything is difficult. Help is needed by all.

People who get hurt can help by not holding those grudges and memories and certainly not throwing things up in a person's face again and again and again. I don't mean that a person should forget and suppress memories of what happened or what was done but a certain amount of forgetfulness can help with forgiveness. The victim and the perpertrator can work together to do the difficult task of changing. A so called "perp' doesn't need to be reminded of how s/he acted. The victim can be kind and supportive of new thinking and behaviors which the perp is trying to make into new habits.

All this is known to sociologists and psychologists who have seen people with deep seated problems change in treatment settings only to revert to old ways if they return to the old community. It takes a community to change and to maintain change. Individuals can do a lot but they can only achieve so much in the face of peers and communities which challenge them, especially when the challenge is not out there as a challenge but is out there as a powerful and secret seductive force which is asserted unseen and somewhat unknown. The Unknown is something to be anxious about because until it becomes known you don't know what you are up against. The Unknown is a difficulty to move beyond. It is, perhaps, just one of those things that are not easy to get beyond. It is hard to get to know .....

So... it is hard to know what might happen if forgiveness is given and accepted.

It is hard to know what will happen if we hold our hard and bad memories and feed our unforgiving grudges.

Stuff is hard. Stuff is not easy. (I am sounding like the parodies of the president - so maybe it is true for him... and maybe Bush's assertion that things are hard is something which resonates with people since we all have things that are hard.... but this political diversion is not for this post).

Blessed are those who ask and receive forgiveness. Blessed are those who give and take forgiveness. Blessed is the act of forgiving. Amen.