If I were to continue to argue... I would say:
Look how they arrive with assumptions
Look how they are defensive even before anything is done...
Look at their armor which is always on...
All you have to do... is look at them NOW. There is nothing which has to be brought in from the past to know how they are closed and hard.
Now they have no love
They need something to breech their fortress and I don't have what it takes.
Actually, sadly, there is probably nothing that will change them.
Ah... DESPAIR?!?? -- Yes - but just for a moment, thank you!
It is like dealing with an implacable enemy now and that is how it always has been. Respect has never been a mutual thing expressed. Fear has always been the guiding force. What do they have to fear? What do they have to lose? What do they have to gain?
ANSWERS - nothing is to be feared ... but maybe there is something to lose. What is to be lost is their sense of having been always right. IF they approach... then they have to realize that they could have done this long ago and they could have done much to make things better for others. As for "gain" - they would gain a new family but would also gain regrets over what could have been. VERY SORRY AND SAD OUTCOME..... I guess, returning to fear - there is a lot to fear from the emotional disturbances that are possible.
I can not place that suffering on them. Who can? Well... I know that once I gave up on my sister... and while I never really did, I guess I really did. To set things on a calendar... I gave up on her when she was about 30 or 35 and that was about 20 years ago. I didn't fully give up since about 12 years ago I urged her to come out for a visit during her summer vacation. IF she had come out then I had a specific person, a Jewish dentist, to introduce her to. But, she didn't come out and he married someone else. That may have been for the best as they are now, 10 years after wedding, getting a divorce and it is hard to say what happened (I would say they both have serious strangenesses). But.... IF it was a job I was supposed to do - as I was told, then I did have it in mind from time to time. Another time was at my Jewish wedding in New Jersey before I left there for California. I very nice man, Michael, wanted to drive my sister home and he was something of a good catch (a mensch but a social worker... and so not as wealthy as some might want). He is happily married today, I think. Oh well....
BUT... I am ever so defensive in these writings. I will not make these arguments. I will just leave it all be...
Friday, September 29, 2006
well, well, dry well again - but HAPPY!
The dry well of my life shall not have my blood, sweat, or tears.... not at this time. Patience! Ah... patience. Never will happen that which I want... even as I pare down to almost nothing that which I want. Oh well.... I can't give up everything for a likely nothing....
What do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? I know that there is nothing to gain. I have tried and tried and my experience is that those who will not bend sometimes don't break either. Sometimes that which is inflexible is also very strong and resilient. As for me... I think I have bent til there have been times when I have been twisted beyond recognition. SO - I can only be ever ready and ever mindful of now... and be ever soft and loving and kind and accepting -- as well as lost and hurting and suffering. My suffering over the dry well is deep but it is not debilitating. I can be happy even with that suffering. As the chant says: "May I not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering." While I am suffering I am happy. While I am happy I suffer. But again it is taught (and this has it opposite I must say) - "Remember: Nothing begets wholeness in life better than a heartfelt SIGH" --- AAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..........
Am I whole? Surely. What else could I be? Do I sometimes break down or up or otherwise become partial... YES - there are many moments when I am some specific THING. There are times when I put on armor and hide. I still cannot cry. MAYBE... someday? I doubt it.. but who knows?
Am I afraid... again the sage Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav teaches: "all of life is just a narrow bridge; we must remember the most important thing is not to fear. " And --- WE MUST BE HAPPY... NOT SAD...!!! So he says! Sadness and depression is a great destroyer! Dance, sing, be merry! Even drink a bit...
What do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? I know that there is nothing to gain. I have tried and tried and my experience is that those who will not bend sometimes don't break either. Sometimes that which is inflexible is also very strong and resilient. As for me... I think I have bent til there have been times when I have been twisted beyond recognition. SO - I can only be ever ready and ever mindful of now... and be ever soft and loving and kind and accepting -- as well as lost and hurting and suffering. My suffering over the dry well is deep but it is not debilitating. I can be happy even with that suffering. As the chant says: "May I not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering." While I am suffering I am happy. While I am happy I suffer. But again it is taught (and this has it opposite I must say) - "Remember: Nothing begets wholeness in life better than a heartfelt SIGH" --- AAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..........
Am I whole? Surely. What else could I be? Do I sometimes break down or up or otherwise become partial... YES - there are many moments when I am some specific THING. There are times when I put on armor and hide. I still cannot cry. MAYBE... someday? I doubt it.. but who knows?
Am I afraid... again the sage Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav teaches: "all of life is just a narrow bridge; we must remember the most important thing is not to fear. " And --- WE MUST BE HAPPY... NOT SAD...!!! So he says! Sadness and depression is a great destroyer! Dance, sing, be merry! Even drink a bit...
Monday, September 25, 2006
knowledge and sharing - - AND PURPOSE!!!!
Knowledge is something you share so as to build. Facts, information, etc... Feelings and thoughts are a form of knowledge, too. If one knows ones feelings and thoughts. But who really knows what they feel? Who knows the depths of their thoughts? Even as seemingly solid facts change so do fleeting emotions and flighty thoughts. Or - it is possible to be stubborn and inflexible and unchanging always. NEVER be moved. NEVER be unsure. NEVER be wrong. ALWAYS KNOW.
OR - knowledge is something you share so as to tear down.
OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which builds you up.
OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which tears down.
OR - ???
Why are there so many possibilities? Well - there are what there are. The point really is what you do with stuff. With information. With knowledge. All "things" can build or tear down. Create or destroy. Live or die. Or stuff in between.
Black or white or gray.
What guides actions and emotions and thoughts are our values and our values are essentially our purposes. If our purpose is to harm than our values are related to evil. If our purpose is to heal than our values are related to good. An essential act is to study and we study so we can act with purposes we have considered and thought about and contextualized and made to be a purpose.
"On purpose" is how I think people act. Or I have accused people of doing stuff "on purpose" and usually felt that what I did was "on purpose" ... or at least I was well aware of what I was doing!
I was judgemental is this thinking. I judged that it was right and true that people should and in fact do act with purpose. AND YET ... I MYSELF AM OFTEN PURPOSELESS in general!!!!
I have said and it is true that my career was not well planned. My life was not well planned. I did and pursued living as it came to me. I pursued a career as it presented itself. I have met people and established relationships as they presented themselves. I have met good people. I have had good jobs. I have not taken many risks. I have not made many plans. I have, at best, been in whatever moments I am in. I have cared. I have forgotten to care. I have been careless and I have been full of care. I could judge myself as having landed where I am "on purpose" AND judge that I have not been really well aware of what it is all about.
What a life!? Is this a life? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? MY PURPOSE??!!! WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHAT ARE MY GOALS..... NOW AND WHAT WERE THEY IN THE PAST? DID THEY GET ACHIEVED? WHAT WILL I DO IN THE FUTURE?
I have committments. I have happiness. I have joys and sorrows and regrets and memories and amnesia and sadness and luck and knowledge and wisdom and foolishness and pain and aches and love and loves and hates and ...........
I am free. I am not free. I am here in the moment with memories and maybe aspirations!
I AM.
I used to say that... I AM. Just as G-d says... "I am that I am"... or something like that... I, too, say - I AM.
OR - knowledge is something you share so as to tear down.
OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which builds you up.
OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which tears down.
OR - ???
Why are there so many possibilities? Well - there are what there are. The point really is what you do with stuff. With information. With knowledge. All "things" can build or tear down. Create or destroy. Live or die. Or stuff in between.
Black or white or gray.
What guides actions and emotions and thoughts are our values and our values are essentially our purposes. If our purpose is to harm than our values are related to evil. If our purpose is to heal than our values are related to good. An essential act is to study and we study so we can act with purposes we have considered and thought about and contextualized and made to be a purpose.
"On purpose" is how I think people act. Or I have accused people of doing stuff "on purpose" and usually felt that what I did was "on purpose" ... or at least I was well aware of what I was doing!
I was judgemental is this thinking. I judged that it was right and true that people should and in fact do act with purpose. AND YET ... I MYSELF AM OFTEN PURPOSELESS in general!!!!
I have said and it is true that my career was not well planned. My life was not well planned. I did and pursued living as it came to me. I pursued a career as it presented itself. I have met people and established relationships as they presented themselves. I have met good people. I have had good jobs. I have not taken many risks. I have not made many plans. I have, at best, been in whatever moments I am in. I have cared. I have forgotten to care. I have been careless and I have been full of care. I could judge myself as having landed where I am "on purpose" AND judge that I have not been really well aware of what it is all about.
What a life!? Is this a life? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? MY PURPOSE??!!! WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHAT ARE MY GOALS..... NOW AND WHAT WERE THEY IN THE PAST? DID THEY GET ACHIEVED? WHAT WILL I DO IN THE FUTURE?
I have committments. I have happiness. I have joys and sorrows and regrets and memories and amnesia and sadness and luck and knowledge and wisdom and foolishness and pain and aches and love and loves and hates and ...........
I am free. I am not free. I am here in the moment with memories and maybe aspirations!
I AM.
I used to say that... I AM. Just as G-d says... "I am that I am"... or something like that... I, too, say - I AM.
knowledge and purpose...???
Knowledge is a good thing to have. Facts, figures, etc... But wisdom is another thing. Wisdom sees some sort of context. Wisdom is what might reveal purpose. It might describe purpose.
Purpose? What is the purpose of knowing? The purpose of knowledge and/or wisdom is to act. And the question often/always is: what is the correct action to take? In this situation or that or at this time or when?
If I am not for myself who will be for me?
If I am only for myself than what/who am I?
If not now, when?
"For myself" means??? - in what ways do I support my being? There are so many forms of support. Emotional, economic, physical, health, intellectual. So many ways within each category. Maybe other categories. And so many ways to be self-supporting and THEN... so many ways to seek and get support of the same nature from others. From family, friends, acquaintences, co-workers, even strangers.
And yet - what is the purpose of ones actions? What is the purpose of any one action? Helping myself is one purpose. Helping others in another purpose. Then "they" say that when you help others you help yourself.
And when? When is now. When is always now. And yet now is not always the right time for some things. The Talmud warns us about helping someone who is angry when the person is hot in their anger. Timing is important.
And wisdom covers all???? And what is the wise thing to do when there are competing concerns. What is wise, I guess, is clearness of purpose and purity of purpose. But - what is pure? How can anyone be sure of purity?????
Kashrut!? To be pure... in eating and relationships and all!! SO - if one can become pure in ones eating will that help one to be pure in ones relationships with people? With friends, acquaintences, co-workers, strangers, ENEMIES?. Who is an Enemy? What is an enemy? What should be done about an enemy? Keep them close? Destroy them? Ignore them? Be distant from them? Turn them? (into a friend?). OR... hope that ones' enemy will do any of those things to themselves?!??? In other words, I do not have a real say/ability to cause another to be my enemy or my friend or whatever. I can hope. I can only do what is right.... for myself.
AH... for myself.... but not only for myself. And NOW!
There is only so much I can do... I am not a doctor or a lawyer or a person who can provide as much money as could be needed by ???, or a spiritual leader, or a teacher. I may be able to do some of any of those things.... to some extent... but to be in another's face... to put myself forward and into another person's world of problems and afflictions is not wise in so many cases.
What is wise is to react and respond with lovingkindness. With Cheset. With love. With kindness. With truth. With silence. With warmth. With goodness.
And so..... Who knows???!!!
Purpose? What is the purpose of knowing? The purpose of knowledge and/or wisdom is to act. And the question often/always is: what is the correct action to take? In this situation or that or at this time or when?
If I am not for myself who will be for me?
If I am only for myself than what/who am I?
If not now, when?
"For myself" means??? - in what ways do I support my being? There are so many forms of support. Emotional, economic, physical, health, intellectual. So many ways within each category. Maybe other categories. And so many ways to be self-supporting and THEN... so many ways to seek and get support of the same nature from others. From family, friends, acquaintences, co-workers, even strangers.
And yet - what is the purpose of ones actions? What is the purpose of any one action? Helping myself is one purpose. Helping others in another purpose. Then "they" say that when you help others you help yourself.
And when? When is now. When is always now. And yet now is not always the right time for some things. The Talmud warns us about helping someone who is angry when the person is hot in their anger. Timing is important.
And wisdom covers all???? And what is the wise thing to do when there are competing concerns. What is wise, I guess, is clearness of purpose and purity of purpose. But - what is pure? How can anyone be sure of purity?????
Kashrut!? To be pure... in eating and relationships and all!! SO - if one can become pure in ones eating will that help one to be pure in ones relationships with people? With friends, acquaintences, co-workers, strangers, ENEMIES?. Who is an Enemy? What is an enemy? What should be done about an enemy? Keep them close? Destroy them? Ignore them? Be distant from them? Turn them? (into a friend?). OR... hope that ones' enemy will do any of those things to themselves?!??? In other words, I do not have a real say/ability to cause another to be my enemy or my friend or whatever. I can hope. I can only do what is right.... for myself.
AH... for myself.... but not only for myself. And NOW!
There is only so much I can do... I am not a doctor or a lawyer or a person who can provide as much money as could be needed by ???, or a spiritual leader, or a teacher. I may be able to do some of any of those things.... to some extent... but to be in another's face... to put myself forward and into another person's world of problems and afflictions is not wise in so many cases.
What is wise is to react and respond with lovingkindness. With Cheset. With love. With kindness. With truth. With silence. With warmth. With goodness.
And so..... Who knows???!!!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
theres is lots of what we need!
Maimonides, Moses,1135-1204. - tells us that if you look around you will see that most is good. There are exceptions but the norm is that people are good, life is good, the world is good.
One set of examples that he offers about the world is that our necessities are plentiful and therefore accessible to all for little or no cost and that things which are not essential are rare and thus costly. Air is free. Water is plentiful. Etc....
While this can be controverted when it comes to water in such places as deserts --- the fact is that where people live there tends to be water BUT POLLUTION/POSIONING of that water is often THE problem. Thus the cause of our problems is our actions and inactions. Our polluting/poisoning and our failures to provide proper sanitation, plumbing. etc... We are in control!!!!
And when people say - don't soil/destroy/poison that which belongs to G-d, really what is the point is don't kill that which has been provided to us by G-d. It is not required by G-d for G-d that the earth be clean and healthful. It is necessary for US that the earth be healthful and clean. It is our responsibility for ourselves. It is not G-d who will or who should make things right. We have the ability to know and understand and DO!
One set of examples that he offers about the world is that our necessities are plentiful and therefore accessible to all for little or no cost and that things which are not essential are rare and thus costly. Air is free. Water is plentiful. Etc....
While this can be controverted when it comes to water in such places as deserts --- the fact is that where people live there tends to be water BUT POLLUTION/POSIONING of that water is often THE problem. Thus the cause of our problems is our actions and inactions. Our polluting/poisoning and our failures to provide proper sanitation, plumbing. etc... We are in control!!!!
And when people say - don't soil/destroy/poison that which belongs to G-d, really what is the point is don't kill that which has been provided to us by G-d. It is not required by G-d for G-d that the earth be clean and healthful. It is necessary for US that the earth be healthful and clean. It is our responsibility for ourselves. It is not G-d who will or who should make things right. We have the ability to know and understand and DO!
Friday, September 08, 2006
parents... and NOW a word from our.....
So... this is the season...?? Anyway, I have begun to get up to date. Sent a package and the first greeting cards. On Monday... the 2nd set of cards... and then ... etc...
Ah... snailmail. Don't you love it? Tracking and all......
So... I am doing what I think is right. That is all. Who can tell what will be? Well --- I really do like thinking that the past and experts have things to teach... BUT - the past is no longer and the future is not yet... neither have the real reality that NOW has... And as I write I am content and happy and tired and here.... (although the tv is quite distracting...)
Now is now... I have said that if I can get into NOW then ALL IS OK. How could it be any other way? Here and now is here, now, and WOW.
Whats the word? NOW. Whats the word... WOW.... Whats the word... good, love, G-d, kindness, and ??? TV???/ ---
Shheeesshhh... Karen is tired right now.... and resting, sleeping, and all... That is soo nice! I love my wife. She is soo good in soo many ways. All the days...
Ah... snailmail. Don't you love it? Tracking and all......
So... I am doing what I think is right. That is all. Who can tell what will be? Well --- I really do like thinking that the past and experts have things to teach... BUT - the past is no longer and the future is not yet... neither have the real reality that NOW has... And as I write I am content and happy and tired and here.... (although the tv is quite distracting...)
Now is now... I have said that if I can get into NOW then ALL IS OK. How could it be any other way? Here and now is here, now, and WOW.
Whats the word? NOW. Whats the word... WOW.... Whats the word... good, love, G-d, kindness, and ??? TV???/ ---
Shheeesshhh... Karen is tired right now.... and resting, sleeping, and all... That is soo nice! I love my wife. She is soo good in soo many ways. All the days...
Monday, September 04, 2006
Kavanah - intentional praying
see: http://www.windsofchange.net/archives/004072.php --- interesting!! Sufi???
Ahh... Kavanah... Intentionality... or/AND.... Why am I doing or not doing this or that? What is the purpose... Actually... Kavanah doesn't apply... since kavanah is in regards to doing things one IS TO DO ( as in should, must, etc) ... BUT with awareness and intent. AWARENESS... of ??? SO it is linked/related to something. I pray with kavanah...??? --- yes? when I have G-d in mind and goodness, too. Not that I should or must have G-d in mind..... but it is how it really is IF I am really praying. Furthermore, praying with the intent to bring good into the world with the help and by the ways of G-d is part of the act. That is kavanah... not just intentionality and purpose... but with meaning and objective AND with SPIRIT.
The End
Ahh... Kavanah... Intentionality... or/AND.... Why am I doing or not doing this or that? What is the purpose... Actually... Kavanah doesn't apply... since kavanah is in regards to doing things one IS TO DO ( as in should, must, etc) ... BUT with awareness and intent. AWARENESS... of ??? SO it is linked/related to something. I pray with kavanah...??? --- yes? when I have G-d in mind and goodness, too. Not that I should or must have G-d in mind..... but it is how it really is IF I am really praying. Furthermore, praying with the intent to bring good into the world with the help and by the ways of G-d is part of the act. That is kavanah... not just intentionality and purpose... but with meaning and objective AND with SPIRIT.
The End
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