An Experiment at this time

I am wearing my glasses now as I sit in the backyard at Deanne's and watch hummingbirds and flowers and swaying of grass along the back fence. An experiment would be to not wear my glasses for some time... A day? Two days? More?

I could not see hummingbirds, I think but I could see the swaying grass and the colors of the flowers. I could read and write but not really watch tv nor drive a car. Walking could be difficult... though not impossible. AND THEN - there is Deanne who walks with me and could be the driver and such things as cooking and cleaning I can do and she generally does.

A day or so without glasses could be done. It would feel weird... almost an altered state of consciousness I would think. I have done it for minutes at a time and my experience has been altered. I have not done if for long but NOW I HAVE SOME TIME... and I am a bit bored or something at this time.... Maybe - 90 days into sheltering-in-place.

SO - maybe start tomorrow? Or Saturday or Sunday. Monday might be THE day.... OY -- so much happening at this time.... (dinners and father's day).

As has been said... IF we wait for the perfect time to start we will never begin!

The Virus Day 90

Actually - today or yesterday the comic strip: Pearls before swine..... had a bit about a family together for 90 days.... SO - is THIS THE 90th Day?

Not sure... but it has been a while and I have not been writing as regularly as I want to be writing SO -- maybe today will begin the next "streak".

In the meantime -- not the other post written today... An Experiment at this time.... I might do it as noted in that post.

FYI... I have logged into MyFitnessPal 50 (fifty) days in a row. SO - for 50 days I have been working to lost weight with success!

FYI... it was April 23 - about 55 days ago when I had my Pulmonary Embolism Event and I awoke to my health issues. Waking Up is the thing in so many areas and as first taking care at home... of myself -- then I have begun. NEXT? - Politics - the thing for 2020!

Gratitude - finally!!!

I sometimes don't get it because I am dense. Until today I thought when listing things in a journal for which I am grateful I needed to have an infinite number of things for which I was grateful. Today I realized I don't need to have an infinite number of things for which I am grateful.  It is OK and normal to be grateful for the same things or similar things each and every day. In fact my Jewish traditional daily prayers are a perfect and clear example of that ..... BUT I AM DENSE....

To digress a moment... I am DENSE about a lot of things. I have realized the right or better ways to be, etc... at a later age then many other people realized certain things. This is not a place to list all those things but I just want to say, as is said: "Better late then never".

Getting back to gratitude: As Father's Day, 2020 approaches I realize my gratitude attitude and list is real and important and maybe limited and maybe it is a longer list then I realize at the moment. However - I mean to begin journalling a gratitude list on this Father's Day after getting for myself and my daughters and some friends a journal designed for the purpose from one of my favorite shopping spots: Amazon.

Father's Day is a week away. Along with being VERY VERY grateful to have two wonderful daughters I often think I was not a great or even good enough father. So I continue to try to be better and do some fathering now even though my daughters are responsible and independent adults. Yet they suffer in these days of political and economic and health turmoil. I am a father to them still. I might be a friendly father... I might sometimes appear to a be friend ... but at the end of the day I hope and think and feel I am basically a father to Sarah and Amy who can be heard and helpful as a father and an elder.

A GRATITUDE ATTITUDE is something I and many have heard about for a long time. IF you haven't heard the phrase check it out on the Internet. In my life I have certainly had much for which I am grateful and many people to which I have not given credit and acknowledgement. In recent years I think and hope I have gotten better about communicating my gratitude. I have not been perfect! I CAN ALWAYS DO BETTER... And I can always learn more and get more tools to help me do what I have learned.

Relative to a tool I have ordered a gratitude journal which will prompt ideas and provide a place for the list of people and places and things for which I am grateful. I am giving copies to my daughters and a few other with the hope it will be useful and used. It is something I can do as a father and friend and lover.

The specific journal being sent is:

• Good Days Start With Gratitude: A 52 Week Guide To Cultivate An Attitude Of Gratitude: Gratitude Journal by Pretty Simple Press

I think GRATITUDE is a base on which we all may stand with happiness as we realize we all are connected in a web of doing, giving and getting from our World.

The Virus - Day 85

Done... maybe... on June  14, 2020

And so it goes... tomorrow... maybe more ... and maybe some things about compassion and hope.

Actually -- I am going to skip this at this moment... about 1:40pm Pacific time in favor of a post on "Gratitude - finally!!!" See that ... and maybe below if I come back to this...

The Virus Day 80, approx

An earlier post from April 23rd was for day 38 and today, June 11, 2020 - is about 42 days later... (AHHHH... number 42!!!).

And I have not been writing daily though I have several posts done in the past week or so and in fact have several posts in draft form.

Of course -- to remind me (and you) I had an event I call The Event -- about which you can read HERE.

This was a wake-up call and so - Hello!

The days/times we are living in are amazing with fears and anger and anguish and suffering and HOPE. I for one must hope and hope is a good thing along with gratitude and compassion.

I am thankful for a lot. For the luck and the guardian angel who helped me when The Event occurred and the stranger and my doctor and the many medical people who helped. I am also deeply grateful to my daughters for all their care and love and support and hopes.  Then there is my very deep gratitude to Deanne who with her knowledge and feelings have helped me get on track with walking and eating and I am much better, health-wise and relationship-wise, because of her. I have gratitude for friends and family - even my parents who passed on to me genetics I think are important relative to my health and recovery.

And so it goes... tomorrow... maybe more ... and maybe some things about compassion and hope.

2020 - my birth family and truths

What do I want? Maybe to be somewhat, just a little, clearly and simply - HEARD?

What do I know... what is really true ... and certain. What, what, what.... by who, who.

SO.... here are some thoughts and if any are sent I will note which ones are sent and when. NOTE: this post is begun on June 10, 2020.

For Father's Day:
On every Father's Day know: your son is a father.
OR
Well - it is Father's Day -- for you and for me.
OR
SENT:
Albert,
On Father's Day remember:
I am a father
and you are a father.
Kenneth


Backtracking to Mother's Day ... I would say:
Mothers love right. (new word and punctuation .. .interesting!)

On my mother's birthday:
You were there when I was born.
OR
My Baba was there when you were born.
following SENT ON JUNE 25... yes
My Baba was there when you were born June 30th, 1926. Right?
Kenneth

For me on my birthday:
I do things as I do things and certainly could have done things differently.

TO BE SENT ON JULY 25
For my sister on her birthday:
I was told we are biological brother and sister.
or
SENT:
I was told we are brother and sister. Me born, Aug. 2, 1949 and you born Aug. 3rd, 1953. SO close...BUT....



(HMMM>>> ????I remember saying before you were born: I want a brother. I have been told, but I do not remember, I proudly proclaimed... I have a sister. MAYBE both things are true.HHHHH)

For my father on his birthday:
What certain fathers know.


And more...????:

2020 - Seeing clearly

Occurred to me... it is the year... 2020 and when we talk of good vision... of seeing clearly - we talk of 2020 vision. We also talk of hindsight. We talk of many things to see clearly and IN TRUTH... This post is the introduction to a series of posts beginning with "2020" and then will be either numbered or something so as to publish each new thought or set of thoughts separately. There may be one more or two more or many more... Not sure today.

Today I begin as I think about Father's Day and being a father and having a father and a mother and a sister and an ex-wife/mother and two beautiful and wonderful daughters AND my battle against the proverbial-type statement: What goes around comes around!

In 2020 I continue to wonder if what I have done will haunt me.

Specifically I have in mind my relationship with my parents and then my relationship with my daughters. I think my parents would harshly criticize me for how I relate and have related to them and so I have to wonder if my daughters harshly criticize me for how we relate. I may write more on this but for now...

For now I have just sent a Mother's Day card, as I often have, and then received a telephone call from my mother acknowledging her appreciation for getting that card. The appreciation included a request for me to keep in touch/call AND this time asked me to be sure to call my father on Father's Day. Also soon will be my mother's birthday, then my birthday, then my sister's birthday, then my father's birthday. And tonight/this morning ... I wonder - what do I know is true and what do I want to communicate to them honestly and yet not too harshly and certainly without expectations or hopes about them seeing and/or doing anything.

SO -- this 2020 series.... Check out the next one.

The demonstrations - May and June, 2020 and ????

It goes without saying… but I’ll say it: I am in favor of the issues of the demonstrators - racism, specifically at this time.

My basic response to the protests is concern about the looting and other violence. My secondary response is to understand the truth about reports of so-called outside agitators.

I am dismayed at the looting and violence and can barely tolerate it since while dramatic it may generally be counterproductive as the most people may be threatened and become defensive no matter what the correctness of issues.

  

Relative to outside agitators – that is a very interesting phenomenon since who is outside the issues of racism and the pandemic and all the social and economic issues which are problems for so many people.

Bottom line for me – I support the demonstrators. I hope their health in this pandemic is not adversely affected. I hope the violence and looting has come to an end and we will now have continuing sustained peaceful demonstrations until fixes and justice are realized.

The stupid economy

James Carvelle said … “It’s the economy, stupid…” when he strategized for Bill Clinton’s election campaign… And as I said during check-in (this was written and shared at a writing group) – my diet is data-driven and that means it measures and records numbers and the dismal science that is economics… is a matter of numerical data…. And so when you ask me this question today I am inclined to say – the economy is most important and I would demonstrate relative to the economy – whatever that is…  The questions today are… what economy and who’s economy?

I am not a great participant in today’s economy whatever that economy is since I don’t really behave routinely as the consumer our capitalist system requires. While I do buy things I also hold onto and re-use things a lot longer then, I think, others do. I keep my automobile for 10 to 14 years. I am not a fashionista and changing the style of clothing I wear is, I think, a very fundamental aspect of the consumer economy. I only subscribe to Amazon Prime to watch movies and tv shows even as I know of many interesting shows on Netflix and Hulu and CBS Express, etc… The books I read come from the public libraries (I was a professional librarian and I have always used public libraries). I live in a house bought in 1980 … and I don’t go into debt, essentially. SO – I am not the greatest participant in the economy.

Yet I believe the economy is the basis for how many police we put on the streets with what training, what kind of health care we have for whom, what shelter is available to most people, etc.  When all these things are in short supply the result is racism and genderism and other prejudices resulting in all kinds of group competitions.

So – it is the economy.. or some new economy … which I would demonstrate for as it is a new economic order which can address and hopefully fix the myriad of problems currently on the streets and in the world today.

Fires of discontent

There are fires of discontent in our country and throughout the world. The Minneapolis killing and subsequent demonstrations there and in many, many places is the thing of the moment. And the THING IS... will this only be of the moment or can and will there be real changes. We are all burning in the fires of The Virus and maybe something very new and really new or DIFFERENT can develop.

I do believe there is not a lot new, perhaps nothing new, under the sun and with that in mind and the thousands of years of history the human race has experienced I hope some system has been tried and found to be true, good, and certain.

One such system which only lasts a while is Repression... Authoritarian and repressive and oppressive management of people by fear and power. This is one simple and quick way to restore some kind of order. That kind of order is not free for all and usually includes extreme poverty for some, even enslavement, and great benefits and luxury for some... with a middle worrying about falling and not likely having a real chance to rise towards the top. This kind system is fostered by irrational fear and hate often exploited by leaders in the elite. In such systems most people may be comfortable so there seems to be comfort in accepting limitations such as little privacy, controlled speech, few travel options, essentially no personal space and escape. Today we are in a time with The Virus and the economic tragedies for so many and the demonstrations in the streets relative to power inequities may mean this repressive authoritarian system may be introduced... even more then it is in place now.

Yes -- we are in a repressive time, even in these United States of America. Journalists are threatened and fired upon! Peaceful demonstrations are hijacked by agitators and then threatened by a mercurial President who only wants to find a way to remain in office... A man who publicly incites people to harm others. A man who is afraid to be seen as mortal and afraid. A man who lies and cheats and is not moral but who does for some what they want done, no matter by whom. Senators and Representatives mostly of the Republican Party who have sold their souls to a devil. Sickening!

Are there alternatives? There is American Democracy and it is being put to the test. I hope it will pass muster and we will return to leadership respectful of PEOPLE and the truth and of science and of deliberative government. I also hope that certain deliberations on such things as health and wealth will be acted on very, very quickly. While fixing our economy is complex and difficult I hope it can be done soon! I dare say it must be done soon. There are people actually dying unnecessarily. There are people losing their homes and businesses. Their very lives! None of this has to happen if we all share and if those with the most share the most!

I am content and all around me are essentially content people. I live in a bubble of intelligence and respect and basic resources and support. It is a small'ish university town and so far most is pretty good for most with food banks helping and churches helping and individuals helping. Lots of help!

And there is also discontent here. The fires are burning quietly and low as we hold to our basic grounds and help those in need. We help for the sake of those in need and we help to help ourselves, too. We stay safe when we help others who would otherwise have to take what we have to give.

SO - give, give, give... Of yourselves and your stuff. AND LOVE!

well, well, well

You can't always get what you want --- but if you try? sometime -- you get what you need....?!!!

Try for what? What do I want? What do I need? What do I get? What do I now get....

I CAN make a list... albeit a short list of what I don't get ... or can't do.. and so feel unfulfilled.

That is IT... Being Unfulfilled. What would fill me up?

Happiness is THE THING and I am responsible for my own happiness and so I try, these days more then ever, to keep on smiling and keep steady and calm and FINE.

Anger doesn't get me anywhere... that is a lesson well learned. Sadness doesn't get me anything either.

I truly find myself at a loss for how to get what I want... beyond that which I need. I am not fulfilled and yet I am good, ok, fine, essentially happy in comfort and ease of living.

I am WELL... And I am getting better as I am now, suddenly at age 70 somewhat disciplined in several ways. Most recently and noticeable -- I am being disciplined about my eating. I eat anything I want but within limits of daily calorie intake. Other nutrients are looked at such as salt and carbs and fiber but bottom line which tends to carry all those other details is CALORIES. I am losing weight and I am recording good sugars. Earlier I heard myself -- only give me a small piece of that cake. WOW! I amaze myself. It is making me more well, healthwise, and also well relative to sensing I have some control over myself.

I have been vocal about this new way and starting tomorrow I think I will be more quiet since it doesn't matter what I say publicly. It matters to me what I do in the privacy of my own self.

Well... I am well... and more well! YEA! And I wrote THIS and that makes three days in a row writing again.

Is it all in the moment?

Now - This Moment - is clearly what we all have to experience and now, this moment, the present is most real. It can be touched and felt and our brains can see and hear NOW. These moments change as they are repeated by the next moment and then the next moment, etc, etc....

True we can bring to this moment the past for its memories and regrets and joys once felt, etc. True we may consider futures when things will be better or worse. I can give examples of snarky ways of viewing the future and the past as well as romanticized views of the past and the future while all those ways are here and now in the present as I consider them and feel them.

Now is where we always are, for sure. We may think we live in the past or we may be anxious about the future but This Moment Is Now and is paramount. Without This Moment there would be no pasts or presents.

So - it is all in this moment.

When we consider the pasts we have experienced we remember them with today's eyes and sometimes we color them rosie and sometimes black. When we consider the future we may worry with fears or hope for the best with joyful expectations. In any case we just don't absolutely experience the past or the future since they are either gone or not yet here and it is how we think and feel NOW that colors the other times. If we are well rested and optimistic and with resources we may look back with nostalgia and forward with happiness expected. If we are tired and pessimistic and poor and hungry and oppressed with troubles then what was past will not necessarily help us as we consider a future with anxiety and fears.

NOW is NOW and our being here how is most real no matter our circumstance. In the absolutely specific moment of now we can feel the pricks of pain or joy or hunger or poverty, etc... or a combination of each of those or others. We can also focus on individual feelings and thoughts in each moment. We can concentrate and notice and think and feel about some specific thing AND THEN LET IT GO TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT....  The next moment. The next feeling. The next thought. The next stimulus from outside us such as the news, for instance, or our regrets or hopes or memories or expectations. The point is ... notice all and move on to the next things to notice as there is a lot in the world for all of us to think about and feel.

The thing NOT to do is GRASP onto anything. Do not grasp the bad as the pain when held becomes suffering. Do not grasp the good as things change and get worse and better. The truth is now and the truth is to a large extent a choice we can make. We can choose to worry or fear or hope or expect and in the end what will be will be and then it will change. Our primary choice is to live and move and continue AND stay open to what is happening. If this moment is terrible move to another moment and hopefully it will be better. It will be different even if you bring worry and negativity to it from your heart. If this moment is wonderful you will find yourself in the next moment and even if you are positive the next moment may bring sorrow. And then then next moment will come ... and you will either bring to the new moments personal negativity or positivity and all the time the new moments will have their own colors of hopes and fears to be experienced for what they are. So we can bring, by choice, optimism or pessimism really This Moment Will Change how we feel if we stay open to now.  Then not grasping and holding on to the good, the bad, or the ugly allows us to move on. 

Stay open. Be open. Do not hold on and grasp the good or the bad. Things change all the time. Now is different from when I began this sentence. Now is NOW.

I feel good. I feel productive as I have written this ... for the purpose of being helpful. I hope it is helpful. I know we all need help. I know we all get help and give help and our connections bring all kinds of things to our souls, our hearts, our minds. There is pain and suffering and joy and love and peace and war and, basically - good and bad... Our experiences of all this make us humans and grow our humanity and our connections let us share and support each other.... NOW.

And now -- June 1, 2020 - Restart

I feel and hope - TODAY will be the day i restart my writing on a regular, maybe daily, basis! I was doing that, almost, before The Event. I am not mostly better, maybe even better! and I miss writing even though it essentially entails SITTING.

"The Event" was my pulmonary embolism which caused me to pass out and taken to the emergency room by ambulance where I was transferred to the ICU for a couple of days, then to a regular room, then after getting tested for COVID-19 to their ward to COVID-19 patients in case I had The Virus, and then discharged and to my shelter in place place - and where I was having breathing trouble for about a week until something changed I began a little walking then more walking and now I walk everyday for over three miles (even on a short walk day) and finally took a day off working on Saturday, Shabbat, which is how I like to do things... workout 5-6 days a week and not on Shabbat.

SO - a return to normalcy with some health/medical caveats.. I still have health issues. Those health issues are diabetes, a heart flutter, obesity, and possibilities of kidney stones recurring. For the diabetes and obesity I am taking sugar-meds and testing my sugar daily and I am really watching my eating, measuring my portions and I am losing weight. For the heart flutter I am considering and probably will do a heart ablation which I understand is a burning of something in the heart and a resetting of the heart beat to stop the flutter and this is the gold-standard permanent solution (as opposed to simply using 'paddles" to reset the heart beat).  I also have tests, mostly various scans, to check inside for progress. I am now on Eliquis for life and I continue to take my other prescribed medications for diabetes and for blood pressure, too.

I am a very lucky fortunate person. First, I have good medical insurance. Second, The Event essentially took place in my doctor's office. Third I have was found passed out. Fourth I have a great and caring doctor. Fifth I have a wonderful and caring and loving partner. Sixth, and this one is not really number six but is really higher up and radically basic to me - I have two wonderful daughters who care and support me and do what they can for me. Also I have many friends who care and have been checking in and I feel generally supported and loved. Our time includes being lead from Washington, D. C. by a President who doesn't know what is means to be a unifying, compassionate, honest, and service-oriented President in a democratic and diverse nation. Further afield from my home in Davis, CA there is terrorism and political upheavals in so many parts of the world including anti-semitism and anti-Israel forces blaming Jews for things we did not do. There is also similar blame being layed on Chinese. There is "fake-news", poor reporting, people who are anti-science, etc. I don't even know what more to list or what the names are of the general demise of centrist consensus on an array of issues we really all can agree on. Too many people really be able to share a set of values and certain single issues should not be made priorities to shake apart a worthy CENTER.

And so - there is me and there is the world around me and dare I also say there is the world beyond this world and that include the Moon, Mars, Space as well as the spiritual realms. There is A LOT to know, study, experience, live. The attitude I and you and all of us bring to each moment, day, time of our lives is most important as we are in each new moment. Crying is something. Smiling is something. Being sad or being happy are feelings we can have some ability to choose. YES it is sad to be hungry and oppressed and hurting for ourselves and others for the deprivations we experience and others experience. And YES it is possible to not care and be glib. It is also possible, I think and hope, to do what can be done where we are to help ourselves and others and at the end of such a day find enough energy to be happy for what good we have done.

I personally have been on the sidelines and can attribute this position to COVID-19, my being a member of an at-risk population, and The Event I experienced, too. HOWEVER -- tomorrow I will do some work at the local Food Bank I hope that goes in such a way I can continue to do something there going forward. Food is so basic. Will I give blood, too... Yes as they will take something even as I am on blood thinners.

Times change. I have changed. What I call The Event seems like a major WAKE-UP call for me and I feel awake and energized to be better, healthier, more.

Onto Tomorrow.