2025 Daily - 12/02/2025 - CBH and IMPACT Question, answers, and Eating

As noted in the post yesterday ... Tom Stoppard died and The Forward noted his works did something imiportant and that was:

"Much of Stoppard’s work revolved around the question of what it really means to live an important life — one that is not just full, but has some kind of identifiable impact on others."

NOT that my life is/was/will be seen as "important" but what is my life, especially going forward that is making some kind of identifiable impact on others????!!! SO - the question is more than "to be or not to be".

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above written a few days earlier and published today... maybe later? It is not 6am...

Answers:

What am I currently doing/getting as I am dating.... Conversation, companionship, some care/interest. some feeling of being wanted..., and some physical touching (as much as I can currently do... being old and having had prostate surgery).

Do I want more? Maybe --- maybe someone to go to sleep with and wake up with... daily. Maybe. Someone to shar meals with... And goals, tasks??? And a travel companion?

SO -- it is a nice thing I have w/Ellen... I wonder what more can be... with her OR with someone?

CHEMISTRY????!!!! Or is such something for young people and for me ... there is some other essential???

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Eating??

I am watching what I am eating ... No alcohol (or a very little... as it messes with my metabolism as well as adding calories) AND Some lessoning of carbs, sugars... Hafl a bagel... Some... And a bit more protein.

Regulating my eating - No eating after 9pm AND a 15-16 hour fast (the last couple of days have gone ok)

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about CBH.... and maybe if I go this Shabbat... I will say something...??? WHAT???? Here are some notes .. and there are other notes in a word processed document

the rejection unjustly by the young Rabbis and lack of support from the Board (to be fair I did not direclty ask the Board to help .. but they were aware of what was going on..) - was significant, to say the least.

Past hurts from the community included: a breaking of the word of a significant paid person; twice choices made when I broke up with someone in favor of the other;l generally a lack of welcoming in people's homes for dinners - Shabbat especially; a lack of reciprocation for my invites to Seders and some other events; presumptive remarks by some recently; general lack of appreciation all the many years - by congregants and clergy and Board; no outreach during COVID!!!; more????

AND from CBH... in return for whatever I did do ... such as being on the Board, one year being President, all the times on the Bimah, library work, other volunteer support.... AGAIN LITTLE RETURN... but I list these things because I WAS HONORED... and HAPPY TO SERVE... 

Bottom line -- it all was for nothing when rejected unjustly with no process and no opportunity to face accusers... An END was reached ... if not the book at the very least a bunch of chapters. 

FUTURE.... I think official and public reaching out ... by the Board ... would make some difference. It might not fully bring me back... I DO have a sense of loyalty now to CBS (Walnut Creek). And volunteering is not likely something I will do... IF asked and I'm present ... I will respond positively .. but where once I might have been seen as a leader... that was voluntary and part of the past. The future has to be different.... I am not sure what that will/can be.

2025 Daily - 12/01/2025 - What I do...and should do...??!! IMPACT (revised)

Got ahead of myself ... publishing this on the 30th... dating it the 1st... Oh well. See end where there is an addition which is the revision..

 I think. I read. I write. And try to figure things out. I want to shine a light on good and important things!!!

So - in the recent New Yorker an article (not yet read by me) brings up the  issue of old stories -- worth reading and considering came to fore. There are old books worth reading ... and they don't need adaptations .... they need to be known. Sometimes they need to be translated. AND A LOT OF THE TIME for me ... it is worth finding what others have thought and said about the work.

STUDY!!!!... that is the thing. Then sharing that with people who have not heard or seen these things ... and we can save ourselves the trouble by not RE-INVENTING things. The stories have mostly been told. The issues characters wrestled with have been shown and solutions suggested. Up to us to know and then choose. CHOOSE!! We are free to choose!

What did I do in/during my life? How meaningful and effective.... was I? First that is a question for me to answer for myself... Then?? Next could be and are: my meaning and effect on my daughters? It is possible that once upon a time that question could be applied to mother, father, and sister... BUT now that is no longer an issue. HMMMM.. INTERESTING..

The bookclub I'm in is great. Good socializing once a month with some guys.

ANOTHER bookclub might be: The Classics and report on them! And I could look at Goodreads... and such to see if there are groups out there now... Probably there are!!! My ideas are rarely really original.... however - IF the old books are generally/basically being read and understood by old folks... TWO THINGS: one: what good does it do for how long if only the old folks learn issues and solutions that already are availalbe.... two: how to get young folks into these short cuts ...!!!???

I ALSO TRAVEL... and it would be nice to do it better.. Really connect with people. New people - far and wide and old people (back home, new, old, young) ... talk about trips).

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about the should... FIRST - Shoulds are ok... They are difficult but necessary if we are to be in society.... imho... and current thinking. We all want to have some expectations met... and if we act certain ways ... based on shared shoulds ... then there is less uncertainty.

For me - my PASSION has long been thinking about CONSERVATION... though I go it alone... in my head... and in some actions. And - Zero Population Growrh is part of that. THEN - TODAY - AI... and my thinking about AI is... 1. its here, 2. it will keep coming. 3. THE PROBLEM is short term... as is Population...

Short term in the sense -- hard to move to a lower population, economiclly, AND when/if people are displaced at work by AI ... what will they do? Create? Art? Play? Have we seen this with Roman bread and circus'? What was happening back then and how did it turn out? LEARN... The past is now and in the future ... Find the BEST... not the WORST!

Is the problem RE-DISTRIBUTION of wealth? Physical transfers? Real transfers. Sharing. Isn't there enough for all???

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Just read that Tom Stoppard died. I have seen many of his plays ... and will try to remember them. The Forward had an article which is why I found out about Mr. Stoppard and in that article they said:

"Much of Stoppard’s work revolved around the question of what it really means to live an important life — one that is not just full, but has some kind of identifiable impact on others. The main character of Travesties isn’t Joyce, Lenin or Tzara; he’s an endearingly self-satisfied British diplomat, Henry Carr, who briefly found himself in the same circles as those luminaries. As the play opens, decades later, he’s trying to conjure up a memoir about his time in the presence of the greats, with the implication that he deserves to be considered among their ranks."

It is the idea of IMPACT that IS MY QUESTION NOW.... What have I done, what do I do? What will I do?

I think I CAN give answer to past and present though the people and stuff on which I have had an impact will be the essential judges. As for the future? That is THE QUESTION, really.  See the Dec. 2, 20254 entry where I will try to fully get into it!!!!!

2025 Daily - 11/30/2025 - Justice and innocence from The World

SO -- I believe in Presumed Innocent... and Due Process ... 

It is good to learn, too... And unfortunately we have been learning bad stuff from other parts of the world... Just a thought... Why can't we learn good...???? What does the basic, real, essential majority want --- OR is it me and the Bell Curve -- and the ends justify the means - so to speak... The Mean Average is the big bulge in the middle... and the two ends - the right and the left -- move everything. Why? Is it necessary? Is there an alternative?

NOTE: more near end of Dec.1st... entry.... What To Do? Me? Otheres? ALL of us?

2025 Daily - 11/29/2025 - CBS or H??? Me, the community, SHARING?

Congregation B'nai Shalom or Congregation Bet Haverim?

House of Peace or House of Friends?

Distant or Near?

And who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to be?

It is easy for me to carry on at CBS ... I seem wanted, honored, aided, supported. Maybe needed, too. I have been involved with them for about five years ... maybe a bit more. I have not asked for much. I have been offered housing when I thought I would like to stay overnight for Kol Nidre Eve. People say they like/love me. It is inconvenient because it is an hour away by car when there is no traffic or weather (fog?) issues. I zoom to stuff when that is possible such as for some education programs anbd for services on Mon. and Thur. mornings. I miss certain melodies and enjoy new melodies. I like and respect the Rabbi and also the Hazzan. I'm comfortable and happy when I am there. And Ellen is part of my life, too. \

Returning to CBH is not easy. While there are some people who have, since I was ousted, invited me back and/or have expresses in interest in my being back and/or have said they miss me and such... the "powers that be" - the Board... has made no such entreaties. Also, over the 40 years I was a member -- including more than 30 years on the Bimah at High Holidays and on many Shabbats as a prayer leader and also often being Gabbai for many bnai mitzvahs there was NO or very minimal appreciation shown to me about what I did ... all of which was voluntary.

Ture and relative to being appreciated -  sometimes I was hurt, sometimes I was bothered and sometimes I didn't care about whether I was appreciated or not since it a service I did for the community and felt honored, too, to some extent. It is possible to say I should have expected nothing. However - I am not that righteous.

As for friends at Bet Haverim - well ... to some extent but also not as much as would have been nice. I had many people to my table and celebrations over the years and very little reciprocation done. Me? Others? The point is... not much reaching out to me. 

And I can wonder what spins some people may have put on my being dismissed. KNOW - I did nothing worthy of being dismissed from the Bimah and as for relationships with various people .... there were rough things between me and some.... especially those who sometimes did things right, sometimes not, and those who are arrogant and disrespectful. I spoke up a few times .. and the arrogance and how things were done were not well addressed ... but I tolerated things since things, people, I -- don't change ... or at least change can be difficult just as apologizing and atonement is difficult. SO - I could do penance if I knew for what... AND if the Board were to acknowledge I was wronged while they stood apart. I would say the married Rabbi couple did not have the power to keep me off the Bimah ... but they proclaimed I could not serve there and probably stood on "freedom of the pulpit" as their authority ... which I don't think is correct. But the Board did nothing at the time. They, though a new group of people, can represent the Congregation and apologize to me and others since I doubt I am the only one who was wronged by those Rabbis. HEALING is the IMPERATIVE... And as for future appreciation -- and any participation I might do ... a contractual monetary cost would be very nice! Perhaps necessary.

Also - I like the educated and authentic and personal leadership at Bnai Shalom ... and I wonder and think the Conservative movement is essentially like that. Well educated, welcoming, warm... interested and interesting. 

AND SO -- maybe there should be a division here in Davis ... a diminishing of the Reform group and the growth and establishment of a Conservative group... With sharing of Torahs. With a long-term (five year) paid leasing of space for the Conservative group. Shrinking the size of the Reform group would mean less dues to URJ and a need for either a half-time Rabbi or a lower-paid younger Rabbi. Certain committees might be shared across groups. Social Action for one. Not Ritual. Office services might be shared. Education MIGHT be shared. Pastoral counseling could be shared or separate... or somewhat costshared. Buildings and grounds upkeep would be the Reform groups responsibility while the Conservative group would be essentially be paying rent. SHARING would be the basis for use of the Campus -- which has already been paid into by people from both groups.. BUT a real separation would be made with authority over various things reserved by each group.

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IN ANY CASE....me.... ????? No matter the songs I know... but maybe ... tomorrow???!!! CHASE WHAT DREAM?

Who am I? To sit and wonder... to wait ... til the wheels of fate slowly grind themselves away...who am I? - As I recall it was another group that I heard do this... but Country Joe and the Fish do the words as I recall.....

LISTEN HERE...

Who Am I

Song by Country Joe and the Fish ‧ 1967

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

There were some things that I loved one time
But the dreams are gone I thought were mine
And the hidden tears that once could fall
Now burn inside at the thought of all
The years of waste, the years of crime
Passions of a heart so blind
To think that but even still
As I stand exposed, the feelings are felt
And I cry into the echo of my loneliness.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

What a nothing I've made of life
The empty words, the coward's plight
To be pushed and passed from hand to hand
Never daring to speak, never daring to stand
And the emptiness of my family's eyes
Reminds me over and over of lies
And promises and deeds undone
And now again I want to run
But now there is nowhere to run to.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?

And now my friend we meet again
We shall see which one will bends
Under the strain of death's golden eyes
Which one of us shall win the prize
To live and which one will die
'Tis I, my friend, yes 'tis I
Shall kill to live again and again
To clutch the throat of sweet revenge
For life is here only for the taking.

Who am I to stand and wonder, to wait
While the wheels of fate slowly grind my life away?
Who am I?
Who am I?

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Joe Allen Mcdonald

2025 Daily - 11/28/2025 - Take for granted...

I think I recognize much common grounds amongst people. There are commonalities I see yet I wonder if I TAKE SUCH THINGS FOR GRANTED.... is that a good thing? I think I take a lot for granted.... The health and futures of my daughters... I didn't make a BIG deal about their births. It is not a good thing I don't make big deals about stuff. 

I also think that tragedies that happen to groups of people are NOT so big... The numbers don't get to me...often! Shit happens, they say, whoever "they" are. 

What else do I/have I taken for GRANTED... Loves? Friends? Family? Work/jobs... EVERYTHING!!! And so my feelings are muted... not present. Insensitive me. NO REACTIONS.... except there were days/times when ANGER was THE Reaction.  What a terrible way to be!!!

I write this on the 27th ... but publishing on the Friday after Thanksgiving! Grateful... ??? For what and HOW? How to be grateful and how to SHOW IT!!!

How to be expressive? Express love, appreciation, joy, gratitude, etc. BE BRAVE and speak up! About the good! Maybe about the bad, too. BUT DEFINITELY - about the GOOD

2025 Daily - 11/27/2025 - THANKS !!!??? and Democrats and shutdown

Being thankful, grateful, etc... VERY important. It is the basis for joy and/or happiness. SO - what am I grateful for? Or what am I thankful for? To whom do I give thanks?

Being grateful/thankful for me ... is the realization - sometimes/often --  being thankful, being grateful... is very possible for me. I had a pretty good life. Life is now pretty good. I have daughters and some other family. I have friends and acquaintences. I do things I like doing - such as singing and working out and traveling. I'm fairly healthy and I have some knowledge and some wisdom. I am able to bless and I am blessed. Bottom lines - I'm ok and even better than ok.

AND that is what I am thankful for and what I say this year and think I could have said that last year, too, and for most/all of the years of my life!

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about the shutdown ... and supporting Democrats...

I am on Social Security and I have a pension, too...SO the shutdown didn't directly effect me ... nor did it seem to effect my daughters (though education IS threatened!!!). Therefore - my thinking the Democrats should have hung in there and not caved to the Republicans is a strong thought and feeling but one I can't fully embrace for the sake of those who were going without! Rock and hard place ... NOW Affordability is an issue. Fairness should be an issue, too. Justice, too, for sure!!! And honesty and integrity ... YET I do not know if the Democrats will really put all that out there coherently and effectively. SO - I wait before contributing to their coffers!

2025 Daily - 11/26/2025 - who am I, am not?

 Who am I and how and when did I get there?

I think I differentiated from parental stuff -- relative to going to religious services, relative to politics, relative to racism... relative to being Jewish... ALL a matter of not following the FEAR suggested by father relative to all those issues. And that differentiation... that distinct set of values and positions I took stay with me today... I am loyal to my old self!!!

AHHHH... loyal to my OLD self... Not changing with new information... BUT I would say new information is vague and not clear and may not be true!!!  Fear though is still a feeling and worry and constrains me, I think! Do NOT LEAD!!!!

Do not teach... especially when the teaching is near "do what I say not what I do". And so relative to racism ... I know I fight that in myself from time to time... And live, I think, non-racist!!! When it some to anti-semitism .. I have rejected that as a link to other Jews.. and the same might be said for issues related to Israel... I try not fear anti-semitism .. or I did not -- but now, these days.. I do worry!!! As for Israel - I fully support its existance and even as a Jewish State... not fully democratic though I would like it to be tolerant and accepting .. as the Torah commands! Treat the Stranger Well!!!

And I think I am more Liberal than an old person might be... on the other hand -- maybe the old saying (Churchill??) that there should be a difference between a pre-40 year old and a post 40-year old ... is and was never? true.. Maybe it was a way of getting old folks to be more conservative than the stuff they experienced and saw in their lives would lead them to be!!!!

I am a died in the wool Liberal. I am a humanist. I am a Jew. I am a man. I am a feminist (maybe). I am for peace and GOODNESS.... Yes - be GOOD!!! And I believe most people want to be good... and yet their leaders are able to tap into fears and badness! Sad!

2025 Daily - 11/25/2025 - relationship list with qualities (revised 11/28/25)

 Relationships and the qualities of the people... and something about me... BIG NOTE: I need to know how I feel AND how the other person feels AND I need TRUST... to be trusted and to trust the other. AND what do each of us bring to the other? Complimentary, additive, new?

Susan1 - intelligent, independent, career oriented... successful - And pretty. FROM: children, career, good start in life...NOTE: reactive proposal... good idea, really... impulsive.

Mary - pretty, intelligent, available in house I was lmore living/room-renting... And she left town for work... and I was not fully into her.. at the time. She was a good egg! FROM: ????

Susan2 - met at rabbi search, nice, intelligent, successful, an ok mom... pretty.  FROM: some good eating habits. NOTE: some real fun and passion and youthfulness 

Karen - met at congregation, nice and feisty, intelligent, struggling with psyche, good mom - trying to make up for earlier stuff.  FROM: management of anger.  NOTE: pulled in... not really ready.

Diane - pretty, blond, tall, entrepreneurial... independent. not too successful... dream chaser without  good plan and/or support.  FROM: style? Interest in being appreciated. Stock advice (not really good, though, but ok).  NOTE: I wanted to get back in a relationship ... somehow did with her ... and it WAS very good... Probably should have stayed w/her even as she moved away.

Deanne - pretty, religious, mostly good values, hard worker, intelligent, VERY independent... too much really... Didn't need anyone .. or not me. FROM: some cooking, gardening, and charitable lessons.  NOTE: I wanted to love someone... BUT did not wait to find out if I WAS LOVED! Impestuous?!

now - Ellen - intelligent, pretty, religious/knowledgeable/observant... Judgemental!!!! and not my judgements in some cases... close but harsher than me. She is sort of, essentially, personally right . I don't fully match her sentiments. FROM: ??  NOTE: I seem wanted. I wonder about "chemistry". It could essentially be ME and my lack of sensitivity...

2025 Daily - 11/23/2025 - a Sunday...

 Found out about 2.8 percent increase in Social Security... 

And -- slept long... til 9:30am... about ...

Talked w/Bruce Haynes and have lunch plans on Tuesday.

Monday I have lunch plans w/Andrew.

Wrote a note to Sara Bowsky....

Practiced music for Davis Chorale...

Returned some stuff to Costco....

Productive day....Also shopped Mattress Firm...

2025 Daily - 11/22/2025 - Building Opportunity - Gaza

 After looking at imagined urbanscapes by Kelly Boesch AND adverts for modularfactory made houses (from Asia/China) both on Reels of Facebook... AND thinking of the devistated landscape of Gaza -- why not build the rebuilding in factories in a super modern fashion .. And/or with tradtional designs if they can be incorporated ... and make Gaza That Showcase suggested (by Trump)... for all the World to see. An OPPORTUNITY.. for a Future!!!

Combine with positive messages about Israel, Jews, good people from everywhere...  A TRUE AND NEW TRANSFORMATION... quickly, efficiently, inexpensively!!!!

Many factory made homes are currently looking One Story High... This will need to be changed.... several floors high ... MODULAR!!!! Dymanion Hanging structures? Other?

 

2025 Daily - 11/21/2025 - unequal love...

Rabbi Rob Scheinberg 

(comments?  rabbi@hobokensynagogue.org)  writes about this week's parsha -- and the competition for love by Jacob and Essau.... There seems to never be enough! SO - MY equal distribution while missing important distinctions between Sarah and Amy may actually been an important struggle/attempt by me. Maybe.

In any case -- learning and changing for me does happen. And for others?

And then -- LOVE... and me... Who do I love? Who have I loved? Who might I love? Present, past, future.... and where but most importantly - HOW... How will I love? It is SOO true, I fear, that I have loved poorly. Loved without really learning about my partner and learning how she wanted to be loved.... I therefore loved similarly and all were different.... so I was generally mistaken in the HOW. And now --- what will I do? Once at least -- I think I truly felt loving and that worked out least well of all... since - well whatever. NOW - do I have feelings for anyone? Where are those feelings? I am bereft I'm afraid.... OY!

 

2025 Daily (almost?) - 11/20/2025 - personal defense..

 At my age ... 76... I can look back with regrets. Some look back in anger (a book?). Some might look back with points to defend what happened. I can do all....

I very much choose to not be angry. It is not too difficult but sometimes for some people not very easy.

I have regrets.... many... specifically about letting certain relationships dissipate.

And as for defending my life... (a movie title) -- I could do that to explain angers and regrets.

THE PROBLEM -- my defenses might be/could be assertions of negative things about myself AND other people. Bringing up negatives about other people is something I rather not do... No one in my life was that bad...  Even complaints about my family while very difficult could be spun/construed in several ways and a lot of that would be me making assumptions and I essentially don't know a lot... I don't have sufficient evidence and even when I do have evidence ... the motivations are not or hard to know. 

I can say ... that when I was in college I probably was quite self-deprecating. After college I got less self-deprecating and I got angry and distant at various people... I became a distressed person. Perhaps a negative person in some ways. I certainly had bad moments that I didn't like... Once I remember being loudly angry... and suddenly realizing - why? And I stopped... immediately. That was sort of weird. And something I had seen others do... relative to telephone calls interupting an emotional eruption. I had models of behaviour... And many of those models were really not too good... It was teachers, teachings, readings, songs, movies.... and such where I learned some good things....

TODAY - the movies and songs are causing me to seek romantic love... and I am not seeing/getting that and really that makes sense for a man my age... Nevertheless - I wonder - where is The Chemistry. And I sometimes wonder where was the chemistry, too. Being sensitive is me... but not the expressive me. Its internal, hidden. It was taken away from me a long time ago! I don't cry and when I did last time (about 14 years ago) it was not effective though it was real. That is/was ok... The person who might have gotten "it" had reasons to not get it... And so it went/goes...

Writing a memoir or my legacy... ... Maybe ... With a Pollyannish touch! Later!