2025 Daily - 06/17/2025

 7:30 am at airport for flight to NY. Who knows if/when I'll return to Florida. Maybe soon.   Maybe after all is done. 

Yesterday was good and then steps back. But morning report from Cindy was positive. Draining and stuff not to bad that came out. 

I'm looking at that book Focusing.   And again. WHAT DO I FEEL????? Am I really so insensitive???? Not feeling what comes my way and not showing/giving my feelings.   Especially positive feelings. I've been hurt and desensitized and not seen or heard.    And my feelings are unclear or scary or negative.    As I say.    OY!!!

2025 Daily - 06/16/2025

 A day late, after . 

Was at hospital all day and talked more with Debbie. Talks ok. . Care expressed in both directions and my limits noted too. DO I FEEL AND WHAT DO I FEEL?

Debbie did a bit better but had a slide back at end of day.   Nausea and the blockage. A nose tube put back in and I started.   What she did do was WALK a few times as well as getting in and out of bed and to the bathroom fairly independently. 

At about 6pm I left, has dinner, has meeting, packed, and got to sleep. 

Oh.   And had a discomforting talk again with a normal Trumper... Ie someone who is not particularly sensitive and who appreciates wealth  yich 

2025 Daily - 06/15/2025

 This morning.... Sone talk with trumper and the normal crazy adamancy about lies and so stopped talking... I won't talk to someone who won't listen..and who has already fully decided to hold their position. No data will change them. Sad.

Sister is doing better and better. Stronger and eating better and more. Positive!

This afternoon she got to listening to Considering Matthew Shepard.    That I sang in the chorus. I too am listening and enjoying. We did good!!!!!

Today is Father's Day.   AOK.   Heard from daughters. 

That's all folks.    If only all people could be peaceful and loving and caring. Even I could learn to be better.

2025 Daily - 06/14/2025

 It's 5:30pm.   Ish.  I've been at hospital hanging with Debbie and Steve. Soon Cindy and Arnold will pick me up for dinner, then back to hotel and then essentially repeat tomorrow. Debbie seems better and stronger and I can imagine her getting home Monday or Tuesday.  Today is Sunday. She may try to stay longer but she would like to get home. Issue will be appropriate help when she gets home. At this point she walks to bathroom but doesn't get out of or back in bed or chair. And she only walks short distances and is unsteady.   Today. . But things are get better and each day she eats better, too. Solid food is next on agenda, so to speak 

So that's what's happening. Kind of hopeful and positive. As for the cancer... that's something else. There may not be more treatment in future which means???? Probably not good.

Not any private time with Debbie though yesterday she mentioned there would be. I'm ok with or without private time. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 

Care in this hospital is good. Pretty responsive to Debbie's needs to be moved. Food ok. 

Not much else to say. Cindy just texted she's on the way 

2025 Daily - 06/13/2025

 Got to Florida.  Travels went well. Spent all day in hospital room with Debbie and Steve. .

I'm very tired!!

Arnold picked me up at airport and got me to hotel. Very good of him. Soon Cindy will arrive and will have a lovely sandwich. AOK.

Visit ok. Sitting in hospital room and watching her. She is weak. She's beginning to eat by mouth. . Mush. But keeping it down and slightly moving bowels. So better. She needs to get stronger and walk so she might go home. Still pain. This is a good hospital.  Debbie sleeps a lot. I'm tired and nap too sometimes.

So that's the story. No big talks today and maybe none will happen. I have been thinking.   And feeling .. liberating I hope.   I've begun reading book FOCUS. Interesting. Maybe helpful.   Will see. As always.   I can use help even if I don't ask or effectively ask. 

On another note. . Today a big attack on Iran so that will dominate the news for a while. Dangerous times 

2025 Daily - 06/12/2025 - trust and also a new system for politics

Who do I trust? Or is it what? IF as is best I trust in G-d... at least when I awake to think about "it" - the question becomes is G-d a who, a what, A WHEN?!

G-d is very often related to time. So then we mortals know good times, bad times, happy times, sad times ... perhaps it is Ecclesisastes which is RIGHT ON.. when it talks about a Time to every Season.

As for NOW.... I just read something to consider acting on now and it is:

“There’s a line from a Hebrew prayer: ‘Our needs are so manifold we dare not declare them.’ Our needs are so vast that we cannot even begin to locate them …
So we all have work to do.”
Leonard Cohen

When I, yes I. speak of trust I speak of my basic psychological need. Trust about love. Trust about being heard. Trust about security. 

AND - can I be trusted? I certainly may have/did fail in that at times... Perhaps I should sit and think about past failures so I do not repeat them!!!!

AND NOW FOR POLITICS....

Some have said that being political is a fundamental human trait and activity. I think it goes way back to the Greeks. Be that as it may -- POLITICS IS FUNDAMENTALLY IMPORTANT... And the political environment is in big big trouble in the USA and all over the world. People in many ways and places are trying to make things better and I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE BASIC PROBLEM IS....

What the basic problem is in the USA as personified... yes PERSONified - is the Trump Scatterbombing of democracy and law and science and racism and corruption and international isolationism and trade and more. Note, however, it is the scatterbombing that is THE PROBLEM. 

The SCATTERBOMBING makes it difficult to work on all the issues and it offers opportunities for fragmenting opposition so as to essentially divide and conquer our nation and the world, too. Some problems such as health and vaccines are distractions and are related to science and they are divisive.  Issues related to the Middle East are a prime example of dividing and conquering as well as being in relation to issues about immigration. 

FOCUS is necessary. Some sort of systematic focusing that addresses the core issues with all due respect. Herein I suggest a system for your consideration:

PRINCIPALS:

First - recognize the essential value and worth for respect of all living human beings.

Second - Consider applying one's energy locally first and foremost 

Thirdly - Always keep in mind the effect of local actions on broader locales such as state, country, planet.

ISSUES:

All people need food, clothing, and shelter and those are ENTITLEMENTS and we can meet those needs, truly!

WORK is both a need and a right and there is plenty of work needing to be done to ensure all have the entitlements noted.

Work correcting CLIMATE activities and structures is necessary and is related to entitlements and the human need to feel really productive.

SHARING in the needs, work, and climate correction by all in a fair manner can be done, in my opinion, without really impoverishing the rich while really uplifting the poor. Essentially - there is enough to go around for everybody and the poor need more and the rich can do with less.

IMAGINE:

A world where policing and war did not cost as much as it does so we can redirect resources to humane needs. DECLARE PEACE!!!!

DETAILS:

What do YOU, rhe reader, think needs doing.... Please keep in mind that certain specific issues should not divide energy and resources so what is important is to consider the living with acceptance, toleration, understanding, and doing one's own thing without interference or prohibitions.

An example to consider is abortion. Some facts vary and there are simple ways to view abortions and there complex ways to view abortions. One can consider non-viable fetus', one can  consider unwanted pregancies, one can consider the health of the mothers, one can consider potential life or actual breathing life, one can consider religous communties, and one can consider individual political freedoms. There is choices one can make in all areas for oneself or choices in this and other areas that others can make for each of us.

2025 Daily - 06/11/2025 - damage/atonement - REDEMPTION !!!!

Good day...!!!?? For damage - see end, after line...

Bed delivered.

Got hotel in florida near hospital - as per my thinking and conversation w/Steve

got call from Cindy and she said Arnold will pick me up at airport in Ft. Lauderdale. Very nice!

Made dinner reservations in NYC for 4 - Pam, Amy, Chris, and me... at upscale kosher steakhouse. I might make a second reservation to give us a choice... The first is Tabernacle... and Pam was there recently and it was hearty and good. Another place she has not been to recently but which has a more diverse menu - and french style is: La Brochette Steakhouse. Possible to change to .. BUT plan is better for me to go to Tabernacle after visiting the Whitney in afternoon. Whitney closes at 6pm and walk to restaurant is about 30 minutes.

And then - I will need to remember to cancel one! or both if Florida stay is prolonged.

In fact - my sister is really not doing well. And may not recover - in part or fully. The cancer treatment has stopped and the blockage is not getting a lot better .. a little.. but hospice is coming in to consult and Debbie will see what they have to offer. That is the story .. from Steve today.

It is now about 11am -- and soon I go to lunch w/Andrew... then workout... and then maybe shop in Vacaville... maybe not.

AND PACK!!! I need to pack... and will start in a moment!

btw - last night I saw The Whale... really well acted by Brendon Frasier and a mellow story (sad and disturbing and hopeful, too).

============================

Damage/atonement...

For the many years of estrangement from my family the differences were between me and my parents. They did and didn't do certain things, they thought and didn't think certain things, and they said and didn't say certain things ... Good and Bad. Now they are both gone. Debbie remains as do some other relatives. Only Debbie might really know what was done, thought and said behind the closed doors of their home since she lived with them ... especially in their end days. 

As noted elsewhere, I think, I sat down and told Debbie certain things ... with "I" statements and trying not to be accusatory to anyone. Basically I told her I was abused - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was interesting to hear her say she knew nothing of any of that. She didn't see anything at all. And, I know, at least once, I tried to tell her way back in the 20th century and I was totally shut down as she said she didn't want to hear it... So she didn't know as a witness or as someone hearing me tell my story. So - she lived in a world of some innocence but it was the world of our parents (her's, mine) and if we think of things as teams or nations ... I was on one team in one country while she was on her mom's and dad's team in their nation. As I've thought and said ... - she never left home... Her parents left home and left her on her own... to the extent that she didn't have them living in the same house, state, for several years. They left home .. rather than she left home... I always find that interesting!

And now - as the days come to their end... what does she remember about things she actually said and did? Or didn't do? As for me -- I think I did little if anything to hurt her. Probably nothing. Certainly nothing comes to mind except I do regret not trying harder to help her see things for herself... but she did make her decisions for herself. She never visited me by herself and that I deeply feel sorry about - for me and for her. And then there were some things dumped at me... And perhaps she will address them. I will ask her - do you anything you want to share or say to me ... And then I'll see.

Basically - TRUST is the issue - and I do not really trust her to be loving and gentle and kind .. to me. To others -- they get and see what they get and see. ME - I ask for nothing so as to not identify things she can withhold. Essentially I expect nothing...but some grief...

Yes - GRIEF... In my life I have generally felt alone. Without allies. Without family or friends... That perception was often wrong. I did and do have friends... BUT the problem in my family became the basis for a sense I had of being on my own.. alone, having to do things all by myself.

SO - being TRAPPED was a concept I came to as I worked on my anger and tried to understand what brought out anger from me... TODAY, NOW -- I think it was my way of being fierce and personally powerful. I used to say my anger was a way of testing the love of another... HOWEVER - there is another way to see the use of anger... and that is... as a tool to show my power and independence and freedom. AND NOW -- instead of feeling angry I go to/stop at: sadness. Loneliness. Other negative feelings that are hard to sit with and own. It was easier to get angry and by pass the disturbing and bad and negative feelings. NOW IT IS ABOUT TIME TO GET OVER AND BEYOND THAT!!!  With this newer understanding - which needs additional conceptualization - I may move on to the end of my days with peace and tranquility and happiness and joy.

Redemption ! Real freedom! Equanimity, perhaps!

2025 Daily - 06/10/2025

 Earlyish morning - Tuesday. Heard my sister is improving. Great!

I am thinking about trip ... and wondering if, when, and where. Should I get a hotel room? I am thinking yes. Rent a car... maybe. We'll see. And - could consider rescheduling the whole thing for a month later ... Might check w/Cindy or Doctor about that.

I am washing clothes and getting ready to pack. AHHhhhh packing - what a difficult chore... to bring the right amount of the right stuff.

Saw crazy Korean movie last night - Parasite... I am not sure what to make of all the awful unlikeable characters and the horrific ending stuff. 

And then there is the reality of what is happening in LA - w/National Guard and Marines being deployed. The use of the Marines is VERY troubling and the use without the Governor's approval of the National Guard is also a problem. See movie: 2073 .... and cry. CRAY HAVOC!

Right now as I think of Debbie and LA I am feeling a weirdness in my gut. I AM ANXIOUS...  I am afraid.  More than other times -- I feel alone.

(ADDED LATE IN EVENING) I wonder... do I/can I trust all the lovey/dovey stuff Debbie has been spouting? Maybe... but I also feel sure she can get angry ... and be nasty ... to me... I have seen it directed at others who didn't deserve it, were not present, and certainly she could have not done it... And that was something at Mom's shiva...  Debbie has, as many of us have, stuff that is from the past and which can get triggered and can unleash the venom she has... SO - lovey/dovely - ok -- but I am ever anxious about what she might say -- triggered or not. She could sa stuff to "finally" get it off her chest, so to speak.... I am very unsure what I have done to her that could be called out but she could take me to task for things my parents might have thought and said, etc...  She could repeat some very shitty shit that was said by them...  AND SO -- I must protect myself.

AND furthermore -- when I next see Debbie... in a couple of days as the plan is.. it will likely be the last time each of us sees each other... I don't expect to see her again... sadly and truly. I will see how she is when I am there ... but staying til some end... is just so uncertain as to time/date. Doctor says that ... and other people's stories tell that tale..  SO SADLY -- it is likely I will not be there at the very end.

===================================

now... a bit after noon... after visiting and talking w/Rachel...

Ah... the stories I have... the experiences I had... IF only I could get going into something NOW... move forward... TO????

So I consider some sort of retreat... where? I wonder about traveling alone ... again... To Ashland? To Olympic National Park ... to ????

A staycation could work... if I could get working in/on backyard... I just don't think I have the skills, discipline, imagination... WILL!??? Maybe ???!!!!

2025 Daily - 06/9/2025

 well... here i am - in davis --- going to florida and arriving there early friday morning. I am not getting a lot of info from Steve ... but I think things are better.

Worked out today - double elliptical ... and saw Jim. 

I have several movies to watch as per recommendations from Sarah. Yesterday, based on a mention in Alice and Jack -- I watched Seven Beauties... ok... full of violences. 

I expect to go to Anticipated Bereavement ... and may or may not speak... 

THE QUESTIONS

why do I do the things I do?

why do I feel the things I feel?

And then - isn't there cognitive dissonance between the feelings and the actions? And THERE'S THE RUB!

As I felt long ago ... shame, embarrasment, guilt. Even as I continue to not fully understand shame. A definition of shame from Wikipedia's long article titled Shame - and one I think I "like":

"Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."^[23] Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person.""

Under the above definition ... and others that talk about privately harboring shameful thoughts and feelings while guilt is more about things said and done in public ... I have sometimes exposed my personal shame and become embarrassed and maybe guilty, too! Public vs Private ...and I generally think being open and public about myself is a good thing since I am not guilty of anything ... On another hand -- I do have regrets relative to things I have done that have been ineffective.. even hurtful to others... and certainly things that did not serve me well in the short or long run! Therefore I question my sociobilities! Do I know how to relate and to whom? When? Where? etc. etc..

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - a bit more me (SUNDAY -lots of time)

 Why do I do the things I do? What is my motivations?

Essentially I rather do what is generally considered right than that which is not or which is odd, unusual. What I did at myfather shiva was odd, unusual compared with most. For my mother -- I was silent at funeral (except for the song) and at shiva - quiet and normal. Now with my sister -- I am the last and I may be silent completely. BECAUSE....

I have resentments. I have regrets. I have angers. All those may be viewed as on me... though in several instances they were responses to behaviours directed at me or behaviours not done... for me. AHHH.... me, me, me... When I write and consider what has happened I could emphasize afronts and things done by others... or not done... OR I can try to express what I FELT at the time... Feelings such as being ignored/abandoned, disrespected (the tallit), certainly misunderstood - not heard... alone, lonely, not actively loved... I have a lot of negatives and while there were positives ... I must wonder how many came from Debbie? I know she followed the lead of others (joined at the mom's and dad's hip, so to speak). She wouldn't hear my complaints - no matter how I phrased them ("I" statements may not always have lead the way early on ... LATER???). And after she did listen to me talk about how I was abused --- it turns out she had not idea or sense or recollection of what I experienced. As I have thought... we got raised by different parents in different spaces...

SO - with resentments and lack of shared history or experiences... as we share "blood" what else is there really ... and so what I am doing and why????

AN ANSWER some might think is ... I look to inherit whatever, whenever... In fact first - I don't need anything. Second - cars and other things might prove burdensome in various ways if they came my way. THIRD -- I can imagine a final SLAP by Debbie and parents.... in text of whatever will, etc. 

SO - I do what I do .. keep it to a minium and maybe - just maybe -- I will never see Debbie alive again. Can I live with that --- of course, yes... There is really nothing I have to say or ask AND anything she might say or do will be whatever it will be...She CONTROLS and that is the primary point!

AND tomorrow - Monday - is a new week and I may or may not initiate a check in ... and I want to stop thinking and feeling about this ending... 

It will be another beginning for me! A lonely beginning. A free begining. A beginning without a lot of time SO - what shall I do? ... where? With whom? How... WHEN!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - (SUNDAY -lots of time)CD - Cognitive Dissonance - big AI answer! AND more about me....

AI Overview

AND CLICK HERE FOR MORE

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actions. This internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements.

Here's a more detailed explanation:
Definition:
Cognitive dissonance is a state of psychological discomfort or tension that arises when a person has conflicting ideas, beliefs, or behaviors.

Causes:
It can occur when a person's behavior conflicts with their beliefs, when they hold two contradictory beliefs simultaneously, or when they learn new information that contradicts their existing beliefs.

Examples:
A person who believes in animal rights but also eats meat might experience cognitive dissonance. A smoker who knows that smoking is harmful but continues to smoke may also experience this discomfort.

Reduction Strategies:
Individuals may reduce cognitive dissonance by changing their beliefs, changing their behavior, or by finding ways to rationalize or justify their actions to make them seem consistent with their beliefs.

Importance:
Understanding cognitive dissonance can help individuals become more aware of their own biases and how they might be influencing their thoughts and actions. It can also help in decision-making, as it highlights the potential for conflicting beliefs to lead to uncomfortable situations.

==================SO ABOUT ME==================

What is my discomfort? What are my beliefs? What new information has come forward - or perhaps in this case what has come forward is new problems ... for Debbie... as I have my problems, too. Where/what is the conflict within me? About what? What bias' do I hold? Am I putting myself into uncomfortable situations? When visiting Debbie? When listening to her -- since she does dominate conversations.

The video...  accompanying/within the link noted at top says: "The most important point: Minimizing discomfort in the mind can be a great motivator." A major way to minimize discomfort is to rationalize the problematic behaviour in some way. The problematic behaviour I am doing is being nice, supportive, etc to my sister while feeling used and disrespected. She doesn't know who I am nor does she really care except with easy to say words. Peer pressure is offered as an example and my peers generally approve of what I am doing and not doing. Good deeds are those that include calling and visiting ... while I am not doing anything to ask Debbie for her acknowledgement and apology for her actions and inactions. I have not done the following which some have suggested... because I can't or won't take on my sides of the questions, assertions:

=====================================

create a bridge.... clean up -- leave things finished... all those unfinished things...
MODERATE  the forgive parts... 

ok to write... just so I can be heard....
                 

THANKS FOR ALL YOU GAVE ME..

I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME

I FORGIVE YOU

I LOVE YOU...

=================

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation that involves saying "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you". It's a way to heal relationships and oneself

=============================

WHAT DO I WANT????!!!????!!!! While I still may get "it"?

What decisions am I making ... and where is any cognitive dissonance? I WOULD SAY... I AM ACTING IN A WAY FOR A WHILE... THAT IS EASIER FOR ME. DO WHAT SEEMS RIGHT... AND SOON THINGS WILL END AND I WILL NOT NEED TO DO ANYTHING MORE. SIMPLE!

The point is... I am making decisions to minimize my exposure to criticism. I wonder (and can list) other decisions/actions I have taken which perhaps were wrong or at least ineffective or destructive or just not useful to me!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - CD followup (SUNDAY -lots of time)

This is written very early on the 8th - actually half past midnight!

To followup CD -- focus?? of my thought(s) on Cognitive Dissonance. First - my feelings are generally in my thinking. In other words - more in my head than in my heart. While that is sad and something to change the point in this moment that I am experiencing thoughts and... feeling that are dissonant in both cases and I have my sister in mind. 

She I have been:

distant, not close

cool - not warm...

estranged - or at least subsumed herself with our parents while I kept distant from parents to protect myself and others from stuff. Debbie stayed on the side of mom and dad and as they wouldn't listen and try to hear ... she also didn't listen or try to hear.

AND - she in her own ways and on her own accord was several times nasty. The tallit and the letter AND she didn't come as invited to my second wedding or to a summer vacation.

SO WHAT AM I DOING AND WHY?

As with many things I act as I think a person, in this case a brother, should act. I call, I visit, I care... from a distance. And I think and feel sure that if circumstances were reversed Debbie would NOT visit, etc... so I harbor at least imagined resentment.

I DO like hearing "I love you" and that love is not demanding. She doesn't need my supportive presence as she has lots of people around her so I am not pressured.

My trust in her speaking truth is quite limited and I am anxous as to how to talk with her and what to discuss... AND when I did tell her about some of the abusive experiences I had she asserted she had no idea. I am amazed... must accept her assertion... and can't help but wonder how that is really and truly possible... 

SO - so so ...!!!! FOCUS??? What do I feel when I focus on my sister and her terrible illness? I anticipate loss AND I am also feeling and thinking about that was lost. SO - I am thinking and feeling about past loss now and soon it is likely total loss will BE. 

LOSS ... all is depressingly lost in time not spent together and time not felt together and time not thought together .... No Real TOGETHERNESS... That is THE RUB! as Shakespeare might put it.