At my age ... 76... I can look back with regrets. Some look back in anger (a book?). Some might look back with points to defend what happened. I can do all....
I very much choose to not be angry. It is not too difficult but sometimes for some people not very easy.
I have regrets.... many... specifically about letting certain relationships dissipate.
And as for defending my life... (a movie title) -- I could do that to explain angers and regrets.
THE PROBLEM -- my defenses might be/could be assertions of negative things about myself AND other people. Bringing up negatives about other people is something I rather not do... No one in my life was that bad... Even complaints about my family while very difficult could be spun/construed in several ways and a lot of that would be me making assumptions and I essentially don't know a lot... I don't have sufficient evidence and even when I do have evidence ... the motivations are not or hard to know.
I can say ... that when I was in college I probably was quite self-deprecating. After college I got less self-deprecating and I got angry and distant at various people... I became a distressed person. Perhaps a negative person in some ways. I certainly had bad moments that I didn't like... Once I remember being loudly angry... and suddenly realizing - why? And I stopped... immediately. That was sort of weird. And something I had seen others do... relative to telephone calls interupting an emotional eruption. I had models of behaviour... And many of those models were really not too good... It was teachers, teachings, readings, songs, movies.... and such where I learned some good things....
TODAY - the movies and songs are causing me to seek romantic love... and I am not seeing/getting that and really that makes sense for a man my age... Nevertheless - I wonder - where is The Chemistry. And I sometimes wonder where was the chemistry, too. Being sensitive is me... but not the expressive me. Its internal, hidden. It was taken away from me a long time ago! I don't cry and when I did last time (about 14 years ago) it was not effective though it was real. That is/was ok... The person who might have gotten "it" had reasons to not get it... And so it went/goes...
Writing a memoir or my legacy... ... Maybe ... With a Pollyannish touch! Later!
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