and then yesterday -- played poker ... and again the subject of CBH came up ... w/Hil... I still basically say no... and have a good place I'm at now... and Convenience is THE issue... And what I need? Want?? -- will that really make a difference?
And relative to Romance... I'm romantic... I think... and when I watch tv and movies ... I see soo much romance and special stuff and I can't match it in my life... yet it is what I want... SO - what do I do? With whom? When and where?
It is most true ... I'm looking to love and be loved.. I looking for a relationship where there is balance and mutual giving and receiving. Did I ever have it with anyone? I think ... almost. Maybe .... and probably not. When I was not right ... or when I felt trapped... that was ME failing to get it right. When I was better -- i didn't appreciate things lacking in the other... and couldn't accept the other... Even as the other may have been alright... fine, ok...
So - here I am today ... going out with someone who is ok. Our political values to not mesh. Our intimacy stuff is not meshing either... or maybe it is. I need to check in with her about that ... very specifically. And then is there any chance of living closer to each other or even together? Is living together what I want?
I think living together IS what I want to do... But with whom? Why? Where? AND how to get to that? Perhaps --- live together in a distant place ... not in either of our homes, places? Hmmm.. in Italy? Thailand? Spain? On a CRUISE SHIP? In Israel? In New York City?
As for living ALONE .. how am I doing? Am I doing ok? Close to ok.. Sort of ok... It is all a matter of feeling useful AND appreciated. OR - should I just be satisfied with being useful??? Productive? Living a life with some MEANING? What would that Meaning be?
WRITING... and getting read... That would be useful. My thinking and ideas have value, I think. I'm sure, actually... though external validation would support me thinking it was valuable.
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