Death Cafe ... is scheduled for 10am today at community church - fireplace room... Might go...
IF I go ... what I have to say ... My sister died in early August... She and others in my original nuclear family are for me difficult to have have feelings. Too much time was spent not in contact and with mutual rejection... me protecting myself and them not being pleased with what they were getting. Dysfunction was The Thing. Estrangement was the action...From both sides... especially from my father and then through him -- his wife and my sister... who has to be desribed as being more his daughter... than anything else. I talked about the dysfunction as did my father... and neither of us expressed much respect.
My father really had it bad for me... so it seems from his will (unread but reported on) and from asshole boyfriend of Debbie... Stephen... What my father said to me and about me... was not nice, good, true. SO - what do I do with remembering him? Or my sister - who followed or feared... and as for my mother -- she may have lead at some point (as per Barucha0... with all the nasty consequences.
SO what about LOVE...?? and other feelings and passions? They were all beaten (literally) out of me... so why would they expect love from me for them.... They discounted love and feelings... So I don't hate them .. nor am I really angry though I was abandoned by parents... It is my understanding that it is the responsibility of parents to connect, etc.. and if they want that they should teach that by actions. I was brought up with the idea... Do what I say - not what I do.... Be strong -- but don't lead. be loyal -- to your parents/family while three out of four brothers and all sisters-in-laws were not liked or care for... Connect on our terms ... or not at all... Tell the truth but lie with purpose... even when asked directly.
There is a psalm we Jews say during the High Holidays -- Psalm 27 where one line says: "Though my father and mother leave me, Adonai will care for me." Another translation is: "Though my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will take me in." I WONDER -- leaving might refer to the death of parents - the normal way of the world... On the other hand Abandon is and I would say was -- a voluntary disturbing action. It is likely my father did not fully realize the consequences of his action but he did know there would be consequences. For me ... the lessons he taught about not have feelings is my basic radical burden. For him ... I cannot say... ALL I CAN SAY -- is parents should not abandon their children and any work done to connect should be a lesson to children and all. AHH... "should" ... It is hard to get away from that word... BUT "should" is the word to use when other lessons have not more simply and directly shown and taught how to best be!
MY ISSUE -- feelings, sensitivities, passion? Love..
Tomorrow is my younger daugher's birthday - Nov. 4th... and she and I have lived with abandoning and renewed connection. A blessing!!! I thank Amy and I hope she thanks me, too. It is MY responsibility to love and connect with my children... and I can hope they feel and act similarly... Thus teach the Rabbis, I've read.
AHHHH... I am such a sophomore when it comes to life and understanding.
What if these thoughts are to be shared?
I am not King Lear... I sort of get that lesson. AND - in any case I would not ??? - choose one of my children over the other ... Equality has always been my guiding light... OR so I would say, believe, think.. WHILE in recent years I realized the seeming equality of love, etc.. was not such a great idea since people are all different and they need, want, appreciate different things, feelings, etc. etc... There is something equal... and there is something distinct is ALL OF US... Seeing, cherishing, acknowledging, etc.. the distinction IS THE THING!!!
AS FOR MEATLOAF...
Made one this morning and I'm about to have some for lunch. Had a nice phone conversation w/Sarah and meatloaf came up. She and Amy feared my meatloaf... because at least once I threw in the kitchen sink, so to speak... Sarah thinks it was when I was still w/her mom and that they got sick. I think it was later and no one got sick... Sure - it tasted weird, not good, abnormal -- but I don't think I ever poisoned or sickened anyone with my cooking. And I hope not moving forward!
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