Congregation B'nai Shalom or Congregation Bet Haverim?
House of Peace or House of Friends?
Distant or Near?
And who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to be?
It is easy for me to carry on at CBS ... I seem wanted, honored, aided, supported. Maybe needed, too. I have been involved with them for about five years ... maybe a bit more. I have not asked for much. I have been offered housing when I thought I would like to stay overnight for Kol Nidre Eve. People say they like/love me. It is inconvenient because it is an hour away by car when there is no traffic or weather (fog?) issues. I zoom to stuff when that is possible such as for some education programs anbd for services on Mon. and Thur. mornings. I miss certain melodies and enjoy new melodies. I like and respect the Rabbi and also the Hazzan. I'm comfortable and happy when I am there. And Ellen is part of my life, too. \
Returning to CBH is not easy. While there are some people who have, since I was ousted, invited me back and/or have expresses in interest in my being back and/or have said they miss me and such... the "powers that be" - the Board... has made no such entreaties. Also, over the 40 years I was a member -- including more than 30 years on the Bimah at High Holidays and on many Shabbats as a prayer leader and also often being Gabbai for many bnai mitzvahs there was NO or very minimal appreciation shown to me about what I did ... all of which was voluntary.
Ture and relative to being appreciated - sometimes I was hurt, sometimes I was bothered and sometimes I didn't care about whether I was appreciated or not since it a service I did for the community and felt honored, too, to some extent. It is possible to say I should have expected nothing. However - I am not that righteous.
As for friends at Bet Haverim - well ... to some extent but also not as much as would have been nice. I had many people to my table and celebrations over the years and very little reciprocation done. Me? Others? The point is... not much reaching out to me.
And I can wonder what spins some people may have put on my being dismissed. KNOW - I did nothing worthy of being dismissed from the Bimah and as for relationships with various people .... there were rough things between me and some.... especially those who sometimes did things right, sometimes not, and those who are arrogant and disrespectful. I spoke up a few times .. and the arrogance and how things were done were not well addressed ... but I tolerated things since things, people, I -- don't change ... or at least change can be difficult just as apologizing and atonement is difficult. SO - I could do penance if I knew for what... AND if the Board were to acknowledge I was wronged while they stood apart. I would say the married Rabbi couple did not have the power to keep me off the Bimah ... but they proclaimed I could not serve there and probably stood on "freedom of the pulpit" as their authority ... which I don't think is correct. But the Board did nothing at the time. They, though a new group of people, can represent the Congregation and apologize to me and others since I doubt I am the only one who was wronged by those Rabbis. HEALING is the IMPERATIVE... And as for future appreciation -- and any participation I might do ... a contractual monetary cost would be very nice! Perhaps necessary.
Also - I like the educated and authentic and personal leadership at Bnai Shalom ... and I wonder and think the Conservative movement is essentially like that. Well educated, welcoming, warm... interested and interesting.
AND SO -- maybe there should be a division here in Davis ... a diminishing of the Reform group and the growth and establishment of a Conservative group... With sharing of Torahs. With a long-term (five year) paid leasing of space for the Conservative group. Shrinking the size of the Reform group would mean less dues to URJ and a need for either a half-time Rabbi or a lower-paid younger Rabbi. Certain committees might be shared across groups. Social Action for one. Not Ritual. Office services might be shared. Education MIGHT be shared. Pastoral counseling could be shared or separate... or somewhat costshared. Buildings and grounds upkeep would be the Reform groups responsibility while the Conservative group would be essentially be paying rent. SHARING would be the basis for use of the Campus -- which has already been paid into by people from both groups.. BUT a real separation would be made with authority over various things reserved by each group.
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IN ANY CASE....me.... ????? No matter the songs I know... but maybe ... tomorrow???!!! CHASE WHAT DREAM?
Who am I? To sit and wonder... to wait ... til the wheels of fate slowly grind themselves away...who am I? - As I recall it was another group that I heard do this... but Country Joe and the Fish do the words as I recall.....
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