Getting on....

FEAR... ah - yes being scared. It is so easy and real and possible to be afraid and fearful of ???????

If I pause a moment and contemplate where I am and who I am and all.... then I in fact have a sense of fear. There is a groundlessness which I can perceive. What some might call an abyse which I need to read about again amongst the Hasidic masters!

FEAR - and then - what about that thing: "fear and loathing"? I say that what I don't know or remember OR what makes me afraid - that I loath! OR at least don't like. I kiddingly say that... but there is a certain truth to that. But - Thompson's books might have meant something else.

FEAR - Weightlessness. Groundless. Falling. FREE. I am holding onto nothing and being held onto by nothing. All is uncertain. All is open. All is!!!

And that can be very frightening!

So... when someone (Karen) tells me she is afraid I am very concerned. And so much is stressing me... or scaring me... that her fear is scaring me, too.

IF we are both afraid... then what is to be...

And is anything STRESS or is it all FEAR?

Stuff below was written earlier...

So.... today, Thursday Oct. 21, 2004 - Karen and I are deep into it... Problems about a date and place for the wedding and OUR FINANCES. I went off on a rant - mostly to myself, and now here, about how we are not being very responsible. Kaybe another way of putting it is we are not aware of what is going on with our money and what we will be expending and where it is coming from!!!! While I have some ideas and while there really may not be any need to truly worry - I keep sensing that Karen is more ready to spend then to know where or what are the resources that are being expended. OR.. maybe I am CHEAP. Maybe so.... maybe I am not really looking forward to spending 20K on this wedding and glitches make me stop and think. The Rabbi's unavailability is/was such a glitch.

So... I am pausing. I would be happy if we got our day to day finances in order... which I think we will do this evening. I wish I had not felt the need to be somewhat heavy-handed in getting us to do that. I wish Karen had taken the initiative since it was her house-related stress which put this issue on hold and for me it is a basic essential issue (what we are doing together with our monies). But noooooo. I guess this is an example of couples have "issues" with money. yich!

Did I mention I had lunch w/Mike H. - Well I did. On Tuesday just past. Good. Some talk.... He has the Seed of Abraham project going. Spiritual roots thingy. Seems beyond the realms of possiblity, to me, that going to that level will have an impact on the day-to-day levels of reality. Just me, maybe. Or... is the question one such as: how do you fully impregnate the real world with the spiritual world? They are one and the same and yet different. They have a relationship but they are apart from each other. I guess there is something about kabbalistic emanations coming into the "real" world - and if just folks can remember and believe there is a spiritual world than we will truly be on to a good path!!! And one which will be diverse adn tolerated, I think, because the dogmas imply/suggest that there is some only/one way. How do the dogmas do that? By being complicated and secret? I don't know... but that is one guess.

Ah... Secrecy. Ahh.... SECRETS