a new day - another way?

So... today I have more information and new thoughts about my sister and the wedding. I began to lean away from paying for her trip since that really did not seem to be the real issue. She asserts problems getting the time off and traveling so intensely for so short a period of time. Reasonable, actually. Not completely without stuff to object to... but you know - this family is how this family is. Some people care only about themselves. And communicating thoughts, issues, cares... don't get done well. Everyone protects what they see as their turf as if such protection will give them a good hold on some kind of reality. But - who can hold onto what? Really! Grasping is just soo hard on everyone. Anyway - JetBlue reports that I could maintain "ownership' over the ticket's value. And the cost is only the $310.70 and yet I don't feel like buying my sister's presence. That would feel shitty. So... I will write her a note and give her the JetBlue info and some words of positive encouragement and she can then do what she wants. As for honors at the wedding - that is not/less likely. She is just not really into it and I am just not really into her. What can I say or do? Essentially - I don't find family with "my" family. Maybe it is me and what all I did or did not do... and maybe it is what I learned within that family. I mean - THEY are into cutting people off and while they may have thought they were not really doing it and/or there was a certain selectivity - their rhetoric and their apparent actions were mean-spirited (although based of course on their having been hurt first - always - OH REALLY!)

So - I am angry. I suffer. I feel compassionate towards myself - whatever compassion means. I feel the suffering. I don't have to be suffering beyond the moments of confrontation and specific events. I don't have to obssess. Meditation and this blog helps. AHHH....

CASA work is picking up. I saw Michael, talked with Laura, found and talked with the social worker and the eligibilty person. All is ok in that area. Michael will probably begin resisting being with Laura after his mom gets out of jail (in a couple of days). That is to be expected.... but that will not be his option until his mom gets well settled and checked in by social services and the court date is Feb. 9th.... which is a long way out! I wonder what will be?

Work at HSL is going full force. I have had some feedback from my lia's and from the college. More later.

And here are pics of my daughters:
Sarah:



Amy: