Getting a beer w/Arnie Wolf soon... and probably will be asked... how am I relative to my sister dieing.... SO - here is something .... again... and maybe expanded on from other responses:
Debra will be missed... and I will miss her. I am happy for her relief and release ... from the pain and battle w/cancer. She was strong and did well for a longer time than her doc first expected. Instead of 6 months -- about 2 and a half years.... maybe three years.
I do miss her and I also miss the many years I was estranged from her and from my parents. It was not all my fault with any of them and relative to my sister -- neither she nor I reached out to each other for 30 or more years.
I used to think and say -- she was attached at the hip to them and that probably has some truth. I have recently thought/remembered what I experienced and she must have seen whenever I visited my Uncle Jerry when he and my mother were estranged. I visited when I thought they were getting on again ... and then discovered I was wrong, time-wise, ever-wise... SO I got shit... Therefore - maybe Debra was avoiding the shit she might have expected if she and I related... In any case -- why relate to me??
So -- now I am alone with my thoughts, recollections, suspicions, considerations ... I can spin things any way I want... while of course being honest ... and truthful... and fact/evidence-based -- and GOOD TO MYSELF. THAT is the point... be good to myself. Grow, be, enjoy, breath, carry-on, THRIVE!!!!
There are issues of control and fear and dislike and loathing and maybe care and love and support... Now - - no more care and support and love ... from Debra or mother or father.... CONTROL was very important to them... and I must look at myself and consider how I CONTROL? Control what? Who? When? ....???? And as for being afraid -- I know I act with considerations of fear. I call it being risk-averse. Or adverse.... As for disliking and/or loathing people -- there are some... have been some ... need not be any now, actually. PEACE FOR ALL..... Forgiveness where appropriate. I still need to be asked if the people/persons are alive. Those who cannot ask... they get a pass. AT LEAST - that is my thinking today, August 20, 2025. I have begun reading ON REPENTENCE by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, of blessed memory. This book IS on one of my favorite subjects and was recommend to me by Rabbi Stein... for prepping for the end of Shloshim of my sister. The beginning pages have been interesting as they seem to address freedom, creating one's self, being authentic... stuff I've been thinking about at this time... in Shloshim, during mourning, as I grow a beard and consider keeping it this time. When my mother and father died... I shaved it at the end of Shloshim to RENEW myself. This time -- INVENT - or - Re-Invent myself... That is the thing! Its a new day, a new period of my life, perhaps a new ME.?
What would be the changes I want? What can I do? Where? How?
Questions, questions, questions...
Some answers -- do more with daughters... Another trip? A cruise??? A house for the weekend? A trip to Ashland? Some combination?
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Albert Schweitzer said: “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”
Sounds right to me...!!! Dogs, kids, teens, others????
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