Ahhh... Deconstructing what? I write as the Shiva period for my sister comes to a close ... and the Shoftime - 30 days continues ... AND I THINK.......
About my sister and me and my parents.
Niether my sister nor I reached out to each other. I generally thought the three of them, sister, mother, and father were attached at the hip.... so to speak. I think there is something to that but maybe something else.
Before going on to "something else" let me say I am less inclined today/these days to air some of this in public... as I did with things I said at my father's shiva. AND - as I am the only person left who knows, experienced... certain things - I will try to be honest and self-deprecating, too. i don't have any reason, I think, to tell tales out of school or to denegrate memories... but some truths need to be known, written down, and to some extent shared.
Again - neither Debbie nor I reached out to each other for about 40-45 years of our lives. That would bring me back to when I was 36 or 31 years old . and my sister back to when she was 32 or 27 years old if I'm doing the math correctly - I''m 76 and Debbie was essentially 72 at the time of her death. At some time when I was about 29 - a bit before leaving the East coast for California I gave up on trying to help Debbie escape from my parents. I thought she should be we never really considered it together ... and that is what was. I gave up because, as I recall thinking, if I succeeded when she was 25 or 26 and if she LEFT HOME.. then I would have had responsibility for her continued well-being.... if she freaked or whatever. So - she stayed living with mom and dad ... til she got married would have been the model -- of as it played out in time - until my parents moved out of the house... and left it to Debbie... I always thought it "special" they moved out instead of Debbie moving out.
I don't recall having much conflict with my sister except when I asked to borrow back my tallit for my 2nd wedding. There was a lot of conflicts between me and my parents... And Debbie was a few times less then helpful in ways I might have appreciated ... BUT the conflicts I had with my parents made a difference in how Debbie and I related. First -- there was the time she was afraid to be around when she thought there might be a conflict... That was when I invited her and my parents to the open house in New Jersey... I hoped she would come ... because there was nothing negative going on between she and I and while I wanted my parents to come I thought they might choose not ... BUT they did come and Debbie did not and she told me it was because she was afraid there would be a fight... THIS pissed me off at her ... and she got uninvited to an upcoming Xmas party ... and that is another story.
Years later -- the house warming was in November,1986 - and my second wedding was March, 2005 ... and again I hoped Debbie would attend since in 2005 my parents COULD not attend due to health... but Debbie didn't come. When I asked her about his a bit before she died she said it was because she didn't expect to be treated in some central fashion. While that may have been true... I also think that thought and support for her not coming was from my mother ... and maybe father, too. YOU SEE -- whenever I visited someone who was family but on the "outs" in my mother's eyes - specifically her brother ... I got in a lot a trouble.... I was psychologically abused for such visits....and it is likely Debbie saw that and that was the basis for her fear in 1985 relative to the house warming and in 2005 for the wedding. In other words - Debbie followed the negativities of my mother and father towards their various relative... all daughters in law... and that included my 2nd wife and more than I may have realized it... my first wife.... and also a 10 year relationship I had with another women....
My parents wanted certain things... demanded certain ways... and I didn't deliver. Relative to my children - their only grandchildren -- I can say I tried to protect my children and my self ... and perhaps that was less necessary ... but it was a motivation and there was evidence my parents could be nasty - even to their grandchildren... Certainly they played favorites and that was not my way!!!!
A rumer has it ... a report that I may have heard as it happened and which I don't think anyone saw with their own eyes ... is my sister got slapped/hit by my father for something (unknown...!!) while attending one of my daughter's bat mitzvah. Probably Sarah's. I truly find it hard to believe and I don't remember ... but the report is reputable... and 99.99 percent likely true. Interestingly while I always thought Debbie never got hit... when I told her that I was both psychologically and PHYICALLY abused - she had no recollection. (others say -- well that was ok for the 50's and 60's in the 20th century - but it really wasn't... and actually my father knew this as he told the SCARY story of his father beating him to the point other men in the neighborhood had to drag his father away!!! - and he wanted to be different/better - etc).
There IS evidence in old black and white photos that my sister and I were happy together. They may have been posed... they may have been rare... they may have been real.. but they were when we were very young. As we became teenagers I didn't bring boys home to meet her and she didn't bring girls home to meet me ... even though my parents said that would happen... AND I was accused of failing my sister by my parents .. at one time.... Say WOW!
I am afraid my sister didn't get married to the several men who proposed because my parents found them wanting in some way. Those they liked Debbie did not like soo much... Maybe Debbie realized something ?? But the truth seems to be ... they guided her and she listened and went along with their primary thinking such as, I presume, not seeing me too much until I made peice with them... and most recently - don't marry a man who may drink and gamble too much. And she agreed with the last... I know and I know my Mother asserted that as a problem! AAAHHHHhhhhhh.....
It is very true that Debbie had a fascinating life.. traveling, volunteering, working, playing. She sparkled in social situations ... even at funerals/shivas. She had many real friends and family relations were good and numerous, too. Her friends were clearly where she had independence. I have to wonder about family that were not "in" with my parents... BUT that is a little uncertain. It applies to me, I'm pretty sure... and some others I can name (but won't), too.
I write this to defend, explain myself.. to put out in the world some information that was "behind closed doors". One should consider that if one hears someone speaking negatively about someone not present who cannot add their perspective... one should wonder if they themselves are talked about in a similar fashion. One one hand - Seymore the nurse was always talked about positively. On another hand I know Steve was talked about negatively. One thing to his face ... another, private. Oh welll.... Not my problem except when I was attacked and denied access to Debbie in her last days when Steve wouldn't let me in his house because, as he said, I wasn't nice to my parents... If only he really knew.... However -- my not being there based on his power play was a blessing for me as I do not have to feel guilty for not being there. And sadly he was not in the room when Debbie died and neither was Cindy... sad!
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