Well.... up and at this ... at almost 8am ... as work is being done (with noise) in backyard... After coffee and this writing ... I will go to elliptical and than breakfast, etc...
THE POINT... today, this morning, this week, this month === Too many dreams and thoughts where Deanne is an actor. Wow?! WHY???? What is it/was it about me and her? Well - I have thought about the superstition I have relative to repeating things ... such as dating a Cancer/Moonchild ... or a Virgo. I have talked about the Queen Elizabeth Cunard ship..... AND LOVE!?
What about me and LOVE? Me and feelings and being sensitive? My Virgo father beat sensitivity out of me as much as he could... no crying boy! My mother was??? probably distant and certainly attached to my father and maybe in an unhealthy way. My sister was no where to be found in my life... She was attached to her/our parents in a traditional way... no leaving home without a husband.... and husband prospects had to be specially perfect... SO HERE I AM ... and I think I have serious trouble with my feelings and especially love and being in a relationship. I've been reactive and manipulated and bold. All me ... not blaming anyone but me and my ignorance and poor or lack of judgement. I have benefited by being reactive and longed for being manipulated. I just didn't followup and remained/maintained the relationships. Then I DID feel and express love but too early and to someone who was not trusting or interested or something. Poor choice... AND while I might have been able to maintain that relationship ... I didn't and may not have really wanted to... and maybe I couldn't and maybe this and maybe that...
TODAY -- being older with less testosterone (I never had a lot) ... I am in a quandary. What is good, ok, best.... for me? There was Harriet who took my breath away for about a day/week. Now there is Ellen and she is THERE... though she lives far away and she is busy with her continuing working life... And now there is a return to her after a bit of a break (about three weeks... undeclared... but done)... And there was a geographically distant foray with Dana ... though that was not deep. So ???
AND THEN -- there are the various social media stuff about how being ALONE is good, better, healthy (though TOUCH is missing), less stressful, etc... Contrasting with old Talmudic teaching about how having a partner is THE BEST...
I AM What/where/who I am!!!!! It is true -- no one is coming to save me. No one is responsible for making me happy. YES I would like to be loved... even or especially in a Victor Hugo way. BUT I AM OK.... I THINK...
MASSAGE -- I need MASSAGE.... I have thought about that for a while... I wish I had a recommendation.... In any case I will find that!!! And soon.
=====pause============
Now it is noon......
I worked out....
WHAT DO I WANT????? Who am I? What do I want to learn? Teach?
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