Well... it is about 1:15pm -- so much earlier than last nights writing and publishing....
SO far today - zoom services, checked about vaccines (polio IF/when CVS ok's it), workout, soon rehearsing/memorizing for tomorrow night's concert, refilled front hummingbird feeder, plan to have oil change tomorrow morning after Rotary, rehearse later this afternoon, check a bit about Spain trip and contact Vic... so that is a lot!!!
My thinking continues.. though I had something interesting which has left me... What IS in the news? How poorly is our democracy doing? Why all the HATE.... ahhh....
Saw and spoke a litte w/Linda Sternberg -- unfortunately no communication w/son, et al -- and no interest in pursuing counseling...SAD. And I know!
lunch was random -- banana, cheese, choc truffle,
CSA - Comuunity supported agriculture --- Hummingbird, Good Humus, others.... Choose and sign-up. !!! Maybe find one at farmer's market and see, talk, learn?
Waiting on delivery of: another oil sprayer, shoes, knee braces, sole inserts... AND now - a nap!
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AND NOW -- THE QUESTION.... CONCERN...
Again - I wonder - what gets me doing what? Shoulds? Wants? Needs? Obligation? Trys (experiments)...???
It is The Unvieling which I think of as a should... and definitively not a want. Nor does it seem like an oblitgation similar to saying Kaddish for the year, etc... And I wouldn't have used a mausoleum... and the pictures seem odd, wrong, too. SO - It is mostly a no-brainer.... Do not go! Do not do...! They are all dead and interred and they had no imput from me nor any real concern about me... I don't mean to do tit-for-tat --- no coming to my second wedding... And I have done Kaddish for almost three years now - one year for each parent and almost the year for my sister. I can't imagine my sister doing that for me. And as for my father and/or mother... can't be sure. My father might have ... my mother - not her thing. Besides -- women get off, halachly.
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Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? I do things because they are right ... imho... and often that is/becomes a "should". I may have regrets relative to parents and sister -- and I guess I could say they had regrets... or could have had... BUT now - who is able to make things right, better, good? There is only me now... and I can't even share with people all the feelings and thoughts I have about those people. Those people... led by my father or mother or mother or father ... rejected me -- even as noted by the lawyer who suggested I not look at my fathers will... the message clearly was my father wrote something terrible... and I know he was capable of such as when he said that one horrible unmentionable thing.... IF my saying Kaddish for him was helpful.. ok... By the time my sister passes... and it has not yet been a whole year --- I have realized - I REALIZE --- I must come to terms on all fronts about them... their bad, their good, themselves... BUT it is ME who lives and carries on... and the hurts I carry are significant and the good things were something but not the inspiring warm loving kind of things others talk about and experienced. Their essential self-centeredness/narscisism .. was the most important thing to them... and they did not get from me the obedience, etc they wanted. Their hardness almost broke me... from time to time... I think.. but I want to say - their hardness makes me a softer person.... since I don't want repeats of their ways to be in my life... SO I try to be different, gentle, forgiving, and maybe forgiven.
I never adequately addressed issues with my parents. That was weak and wrong of me. Or when I tried what I tried... it was useless and disappointing. When I had that one serious conversation with my sister... well her apparent obliviousness and denial was so amazing to me as to show me -- there was really at least two different worlds lived in by the Little Neck Firesteins. Maybe more ... if I wonder about slaps, hits my sister endurred and which I don't recall. AHHHhhhhh - if only there was a way to look back in time with comprehensive honesty!
So - how can I be honest? Continuing some kind of relationship with Debbie and HER family -- not for me.... As welcoming and nice and warm as Cindy is... and some others -- the fact is -- two very different worlds and sets of experiences and memories and while I spoke of reconciliation ... what was the point as Debbie lay dying? And what IS the point NOW?
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In General -- if I could come up with a reaons to want to do something... want to be someone... IF/when shoulds can actually be wants... then OK.... Saying Kaddish is a should for the departed ... and a want for the living. For me as I do it -- I go through a lot of feelings - good, bad, positive, negative, regrets, etc... The process of Jewish mourning as Reform would have us do it... doesn't take into account moving the soul of the departed but is a matter of soothing the soul of the living. Conservatives probably do both... move and sooth the souls! I cannot/will not say what the Orthodox think/feel since I might be disparaging relative to roteness and gender issues.
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