Wondering (family?)

So... I wonder if it is family that is at the core of soo many of my problems. Either I have been oppressed or I am being oppressed or I may have oppressed or I may be oppressing... HOW DEPRESSING!!!!

But - I shall not be depressed. I shall fight depression and its master - sadness by ??? Well I am not sure how I will deal with sadness but as they say - pain is real but suffering is optional. Pain = sadness and suffering = depression. Why suffer? How does one suffer? How does one free oneself from suffering?

"May I be free from suffering and the root of suffering."

And what is the root of suffering?

Suffering and the root of suffering in the Buddhist tradition is directly related to the fact that we are all going to die. We suffer if we grasp at life while keeping in mind that which was or will be AND!!! - because the past is no longer changeable and the future is not known - we suffer either regrets or anxieties. IF WE ARE ON THE NOW and the now is ever transient and if we do not GRASP THE NOW then we are here and all is all! We are not sad about the past or worried about the future and usually the now is ok. IF the now is not ok then the now will end and a new now will be and it may or may not be sad or glad, etc. All the nows are news! AaaHhhh!

So right now I am not with my family and they are not bothering me and I can hope they are well and I can wonder about them but since I don't really know what is happening with them now I don't have to be sad or worried or anything beyond OPEN TO WONDER. THEY would have me sitting here worrying and wondering. Or maybe they would not... but why should I and why should anyone, ever?

Years ago I learned a lesson about caring about my children. That lesson essentially was - there is often little I can do. I am not in control AND EVEN WHEN THEY ARE WELL CARED FOR... as when they were with their Mother - shit might happen. That is something to remark about but not worry about. Why worry? Me worry? Worry cannot be the correct word. I can wonder but to worry is to put a negative spin/expectation on the considering of things and that is a waste of feelings! When I used to say that I did not MISS my children I never meant I did not often/always wonder how they were. It is just that the word MISS seems negative and I didn't want to lay that on them or myself.

Wasn't that wonderful?