so far away......

It is almost the end of the year. My Karen, my wife, and I are in Honduras on the Island of Utila visiting with Daniel, Kim, Max, and the newborn, as of Dec. 14, Dylan Einar. We are here to help as family and I guess we are doing that. We distract Max, we run errands, we change diapers (I have only done two and that is enough but there is always more!), we play with Max, we hold Dylan, etc, etc.... Karen is a great Mom and now Grandmom. She does it! She is good at it and she is meaningful and mindful as she does it. Quite wonderful to behold!

Utila is something else again. I have been very comprehensively bitten by sandflys and for a little while really suffered. I think I have it under control. I am not keen on going to the beaches but whenever snorkling is possible that is good. Karen and I went snorkling a couple of days ago off a boat which had some training divers. The snorkling was very good. There is a reef and we saw many fish. If we go out again soon we may see a whale shark and maybe dolphins, too. That would be really great!

Will I get scuba certification? It depends. I have a little congestion and that kept me from beginning today. Maybe soon. That would be pretty good!

We have been celebrating CHanukah with Max and with Daniel, Kim, and Dylan. Max is REALLY into it. The presents! and the candles! Each night he is quite excited and he like the clay dreidle song. All in all - time with Max is very good. He can be a handful at 3 and a half. But is he very good natured, really, and adverturesome. It is a big job and I do what I can when I can. Parents are really great and involved and good. They can use a break and Karen and I do provide that. So... all is good.

We have been away from home for about 2 weeks and have another week here and then we get home. I look forward to being away from the Utila bugs and in my own bed and I really look forward to LIGHT. Things are dark and dim here, mostly. This is to save power and to keep away bugs. I don't think I would do too well in the far north/south for long without light-therapy (as in that episode of Northern Exporsure). It is driving me nuts! And it is keeping me from reading. I did finish Plot Agains America by Roth the other day and now I am into Call It Sleep by another Roth. Call It Sleep is very engrossing. Sad, dreary, poignant, and more. I want to know what will happen to poor David and his mother and all. (I tried to read Doctorow's City Of G0d but it's style put me off). I look forward to reading more, soon, of Call It Sleep and then I also have Neuromancer by Gibson which, as Call It Sleep, is a 20th century classic. They are both different, I suppose - but will report on that later. Suffice it to say - I like READING!... And - remember, Karen and I read to each other early in our relationship and we will hopefully do that again.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Each of the years that Karen and I have celebrated New Years has been different. It has been with her friend Kim, at the end of 2003, then with her sister, Linda, in Santa Fe, at the end of 2004. Now we are in Honduras with her son at the end of 2005. All different and ok, was and to be.

This is/has been quite a trip. Perhaps I can characterize it as a family working vacation. COOL.

Next year ---- Maybe NYC with my daughters and some of my old friends and family. That could be something. Hmmm.... But - let me not seem complaining. I am noticing and as always - I want to contribute. Really.

More.... soon (note - there is at least one draft message - which I should review and publish).

LOVE!!!!!

a nice weekend

It was a nice, easy, relaxed weekend. We accomplished a few things. Got some chores done, went to an ok Mondavi thing (Chinese acrobats with nice music), I had a nice workout Sunday (and some aerobics on Monday morning), ate ok (fairly healthfully), probably did NOT do the Shabbat thing too well but better than some, phoned and talked with a few folks, and so .... here we are - Monday morning, Oct. 31, 2005.

I think I like this time change (we move the clocks back one hour and thus "get" an hour). I need to make a reservation for Burbank and the trip south that Karen is planning. And then we need to set the Honduras trip, too! I will check Continental in a few moments and see what happens out of NYC (so I might see the girls).

I have been reading the book Neurotica edited by ???? and most of the stories I would say are disturbing. Many are of another era. Some are harsh, angry. Some are silly, strange. An ok read, all and all. I have more stories to go!

And then - for December - we read ????? and will meet ?????

Friday night - Shabbat coming - last of october

Well, it is the end of the week and the beginning of Shabbat. Just about.

Soon I will be home and trying to enter into the spirit of Shabbat. Ah the wonder of this time. Time !!! Time!!! TIME.

Time is the great intangible. Here, gone, there, everywhere, nowhere, coming.......If some "thing" were to be sanctified - it would be time and it is time. Shabbat is Time. But - noTHING is to be sanctified. No idols.

As much as we look forward to and observe the Sabbath - in the moments of awareness we (may) lose the wonder. I wonder?

I will try this Shabbat to remain always aware and mindful that it is Shabbat. I will do many right things --- such as eat and drink well. Speak and think well. Rest well. Pray well. Hope well. All POSITIVE. All the Good Angel. Sing well. Be well. Love well. Live well.

salt of the earth in wounds

So - where I am.... hurting-wise. What are those areas which are distressed, disturbing, or otherwise negative???

In no particular order (but maybe in an order)

anxious about how my daughters are doing in NYC
my parents and sister and irreconsilable alienation
fun or lack of fun in general
problems with friends - new and old and older and younger
issues at my job
issues with the union
generally being heard/listened to.... even by Karen
health - particularly weight but also getting into regular excercise
issues of fixing up our house
issues of travel plans
issues of my interests and wants being heard and acted upon
financial stretching and possible breaking
general respect????
general consideration
general care.... who cares? about what? for me? for anything?
care in the community? and am I part of any community?

While "asking not what your community can do for you but ask what you can do for your community" is a wonderful thing in a wonderful world - what about when the individual needs help from the group?

SHHHHeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiitttttttt.

Succos - day one - early in new year

So.... it is now day one of Succos.... and there is the tossing of the mashed potatoes. Ah... so important? Or not. Something, though which was quite disturbing.... especially after last night (see previous post)

In any case - it is now near the end of the day.... Some stuff has transpired between Karen and I... and the rum and coke has helped to mellow me. Ahhh.... drugs!

So... that is that. Tomorrow is another day. This day continues. Karen will be home soon and I will/may have an appetite which I did not have earlier. And some interesting reading - Neurotica - the anthology. Woody Allen, Saul Bellow, Apple, others?????y

Why be disturbed about stuff I can do nothing about. Stuff which has happened. It seems at times - frustrating and alienating - to be so powerless. AAAAaaaaaHHHHhhhhhh.......!!!!!! Control is THE illusion. REMEMBER!!!!!

CONTROL IS THE ILLUSION.

All is well with the world always. All is as it is. All IS.

Rum IS. Martinis will be.... soon. And - food? Dinner? Whatever. Something. I could wish for some cheese or some beef or ?????? PIZZA. Or.... whatever. But I rant.... and rave.... and now feel a bit better. Grin and bare it. It is all a joke.

Aaaaahhhhhh......... This is better. I think. I feel better. I feel ok.

erev succos

It is now erev succos - I have a lulav/etrog set - but I have not set it up. Got it this afternoon from Chabad.... ok! My first. Some support for them and a new ritual for me.

This evening I made dinner - lots of tortollinis and a "sauce" w/chicken, garlic, brocolli, carrots, onion..... pretty good. Had some wine. Pretty fine - and left the room and went to my office as there was some tension and distress between my love and me. Some inpatience and criticism... I did make a lot of food. Whatever !!! And there is waste and lots of different ways to store the food in the refrig.... in covered, hard to see-through containers and way in the back where they are hard to see, too. And so.... Karen and I have our difference over how to deal with leftovers and whether or not I should - "finish this" now.... or through it away later. Ahhh... a little thing but a thing.

Love is a many splendid thing!

day one after Yom Kippur

This is the early afternoon of the first day after Yom Kippur. All has been good. I have been aok. So far - so good.

I will try to keep a running record of this goodness or lack of badness. To be more clear - I have been pretty good at not getting angry or too inpatient. I have not been demanding. I am not controlling (in general!). I do not plan to be worse in these areas. I plan, through some of these posts to maintain an awareness and record. Why? Why not? Being aware - being MINDFUL is THE KEY!

Today is also noteworthy in that it begins a new period as no other previous period has begun. I don't think there ever was a time after Yom Kippur when I had not talked with my parents during the High Holidays. This is new. This is ok. I DID check on there well-being relative to all the rain and flooding in the East by calling the local authorities. There was no flooding in their area according to police. That was good to hear. As for their health - Debbie's note indicated they were fine by its absense of anything problematical being mentioned and as indicated by them doing stuff at the local High Holiday celebrations. So - all is well. Good. And I am good and fine with this since it is all that is possible, really, especially as it protects me and mine which has been mightily assaulted by them over the years. No need to subject myself to their nasty stuff and nothing I can do that could ever be enough to please them. So it is.

And now... into the future!

But wait.... what about left-over and/or old notes of friendship or ??? - Well I sent something to John Ward which he may never read and something to Ms. Davis which she will probably read. Ah.....

on Eve of Rosh Hashannah - 2005/5766

Notes to consider, read, etc....

Every night before sleep, we give our tired and worn-out souls back to God. Every morning, we receive our souls anew, refreshed and full of energy. Therefore, the first words that we say upon waking are:

"I thank You ever living King,for compassionately returning my soul to me,how great is Your faithfulness"

In Hebrew:Modeh ani l'fanecha melech chai v'kayam,she-hech-ezarta be nishmati b'chemla,rabah emuna-techa

With this thought and intention of "I thank You," we begin our day. This thought accompanies us, always engraved in our consciousness, the whole day long.


Here is a piece from Thich Nhat Hahn:
From his book: "Our appointment with life".
(Another, more recent book I read by him, and the first I read by him, was
titled: Anger. It has made a big difference for me as have the several
books by Pema Chodron.

"Do not pursue the past
Do not lose yourself in the future
The past no longer is
The future has yet to come
Looking deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now
the practioner dwells
in stability and freedom
We must be diligent today
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death come unexpectedly
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows
how to dwell in mindfulness night and day
'one who knows the better way to live alone.'"

And from E
(there is more.... I will add when I locate it ....) (sorry)

a note

This is a note... a test note...

--
Kenneth L. Firestein, Librarian, klfirestein@ucdavis.edu
UC Davis, Carlson Health Sciences Library (near Tupper Hall)
100 NW Quad, Davis, CA 95616-5292 - (530)752-1678; fax (530)752-4718
Professional web page: http://people.lib.ucdavis.edu/klf
Union web page: http://kensucaft.home.comcast.net//2005unit17.html
-------------------------------------------------------
"The arbitrary rule of a just and enlightened prince is always bad. His
virtues are the most dangerous and the surest form of seduction: they
lull a people imperceptibly into the habit of loving, respecting, and
serving his successor, whoever that successor may be, no matter how
wicked or stupid."

once more...

once more... again... waiting to see stuff show up on blogline.

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

check blogline

hi...

---

Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page

testing.... rss???

This is a test of rss in this post!

From CNN - Health:

and - Technology: http://rss.cnn.com/rss/cnn_tech.rss


etc...HEALTH: http://rss.cnn.com/rss/cnn_health.rss

etc....

Buttons, buttons, buttons

Ah... I would like to better control or hide my "buttons". When someone presses one of my buttons I would like to internally experience the distress but externally not express my chagrin. Wouldn't that be nice! Hide my buttons from others but not from myself. I don't need to have a poker face just a zen-breathing face. Just breath in and breath out. In and out. CALM. AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhh........

People do what they do. IF they are doing something really TO me than the in/out breathing may not be sufficient or appropriate but often people just do their own things, right, wrong, smart, stupit, whatever.... and some are too old to learn better, some should know better but nevertheless, some are educable, some are not, some I can try to change and most are not my direct responsibility. SO... JUST BREATH IN AND BREATH OUT....DEEPLY.

independence day! BEER?!!:$%^@ED

Too much beer yesterday at lunch. Only good thing is that it was a lunch and I had all day to recover. Too bad that July 4th, 2005 was on a Monday and work was the next day. Way it goes.

Ice cream making is not working out for many of us! We are in a vortex of error. Everyone seems to not making their containers cold enough. We/I should have known that our outside refrigerator probably was not cold enough or set cold enough. Then there was the problem that Chuck had last week since he was not using enough salt. And Claudia, too, seems to not have gotten it right although it sounds like she got close. Tonight we will taste and sense how ours came out.... It will probably taste good!

But BEER - oh beer, oh beer! What didst thou try to do. FREE Beer.... How could I resist. Michilob true, but FREE. Shheeessh!

war, war, war......

I and all people in the United States support our troops. Our troops are brave and strong and they risk their lives. Support takes several forms. Support includes providing our troops with the means to make war and it includes the means to conclude a war. The means in both instances include intelligence and will.

It seems to me that concluding a war is dependent on the beginning of the war. The party who initiated the war seems to be the one who is most responsible for concluding it and that has meant, in recent history, that the initiator/aggressor has been forced to leave what has been invaded or surrender to those initially attacked. Germany and Japan finally surrendered. The North Koreans withdrew and ceased hostilities. We left Vietnam. We halted proceedings against Iraq in the early 90's. Things in the Baltics were ended when those being aggressive and brutal were stopped!

Sometimes we support our troops with weapons and armor and other resources they need to fight and win. On the other side we support them by getting them out of harms way!

Essentially we began the current war in Iraq. It is becoming more and more clear to citizens of the United States that this beginning was deeply flawed in all ways.

While it is a judgement call to go to war such a judgement should be very well considered because of the terrible destruction and death which is ever part of war. There are appropriate and right reasons to go to war. Self-defense is an appropriate reason. True proximate fear of aggression may be appropriate, too. On the other hand, there are inappropriate and wrong reasons to go to war such as greed and unfounded hate. Ignorance is not a reason to go to war. There is a right and and there is a wrong judgement which can be determined and which should be determined if war is to be considered and done. The judgement call must be made with special and great care by special and great people. Real intelligence must be brought to such a great and awful decision! Such special intelligence was not brought to this judgement call by our current national leadership.

Clearly our current national leadership is not special nor is it great. One can question the realness of our current leadership. That leadership has never been viewed as particularly intelligent nor good nor kind. That leadership has been useful to some people and some agendas and in quieter, calmer times whatever this leadership accomplished would probably not have been very dramatic or long lasting accept this leadership with all its weaknesses and lacks found itself with a most dramatic and significant event, i.e. the catatrophe of 9/11. Doing all the works of reacting, recovering, and preventing another such catatophe was the public rationale for putting our troops into harms way and that rationale was simply stated the wrong judgement call and that is now known and must now be dealt with appropriately and rightly!

Many citizens would like to see our troops out of harms way because we think our troops our bogged down in a situation which is terribly, terribly WRONG. It is WRONG and NOT RIGHT. Our troops were put into harms way with lies, incorrect intelligence, and poor planning. They should not have gone in to Iraq because Iraq was not where 9/11 came from nor did Iraq have the weapons of mass destruction they wre accused of having. Thus the lies and incorrect intelligence. As for the planning it had to be poor since it was badly based and furthermore the planning just didn't look forward to an exit strategy that would be acceptable to all.

There may have been a good reason to have gone into Iraq and that was the human rights abuses of the ruling regime. The only right way to address human rights issues is through the United Nations and/or the World Court. Our going in as a matter of asserted self-defense was a weak and untruthful one even if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or had some link to 9/11 which it didn't. We have long not cared for human rights abuses even when they reach the level of genocide and in Iraq that was not the case and certainly not since the first Gulf War and the no-fly zones and sanctions which followed that war.

In general people do not want to go to war. People do not want their children or their friends to be put into harms way but that is appropriate under the right circumstances. The circumstances which brought us into Iraq were not appropriate

Intelligence usually would lead a person to echue war. The mass intelligence of the people of a democracy usually adds up to an avoidance of war. Democracies defend themselves. Offensive war is the thing of minorites and sick individuals. These minoriites and the sick individuals who lead them usually have a problem absorbing and integrating information but they do have a set of static values which they are SURE THEY CAN CORRECTLY APPLY. And they apply those values by oppression and war and destruction! The application is WILLFUL but not intelligent. It is NOT SMART.

Ultimately, the people of our country which IS still a democracy will assert their massed intelligence and wisdom along with the goodness and kindness and compassion which are our values and which are dynamic and true. Ultimately, we the people of these United States of America will do the right things and stop the wars and aggressions and bring a truly compassionate peace to the world with fairness and intelligence.

competence and hope

I hope that I know or get referred to competent people. This thought is prompted by my lack of good knowledge about the workings of automobiles and my daughter's problem with her clutch or as it turned out the hydraulic fluid in her standard transmission. Maybe all is well. I hope so! And it was not a clutch - but only the fluid.

SO... I have lent my car to her for the weekend while I have hers and we will see how it goes. Is there are leak? If so... I can probably handle it better on the flats of Davis than my daughter could in the hills of San Fran!

Ahh.... competence and knowledge. Tough!

Tuesady (Monday)

Today was the first day of my work week. I took yesterday off as a vacation day and spent some time with Amy. Nice, interesting, informative, a bit stresses and there was some tension. I found out some stuff worth knowing. Especially that stuff was stuff Amy was/is hesitant to share and I hope she will learn to share stuff more and sooner so she can get whatever help might be available. Some help is just ideas, or moral support, or just airing issues. Some help might be more tangible. But families are where you can share things and air things and maybe get help for things... And that is IMPORTANT!! AND THE BEST. Families may also be where you can act rudely or be silly, etc... but is that as important? I think not! The lesson is to know your resources and use them. Getting help of some sort is a good use. Being silly and rude and not in good control is not a use of family resources but an abuse of them. Still - families must take them!!! AHHHH.......

I gave blood this morning. At the ARC - last time I was there I had just gotten married.... Is there something similar in the two experiences (ha, ha!).

Had a nice breakfast with daughters at Cindy's. I think we like Cindy's best for breakfasts in Davis. Cafe Italia is ok but there is more variety at Cindy's, more diversity, more interesting stuff. YES!

A couple of days ago Karen and I went to a wedding. Sy's and Regina's. Very nice. I guess I think all weddings, at least the ceremonies, are nice. Those ceremonies get IT done!

All is pretty well in my world. More later. Love you all!

Group expectations....!

Great Expectations.... a book to be looked at perhaps and considered. Did not the main heroic character NOT have many expectations? Did not those who had expectations suffer? As a group (even a small diad) did not all end well?

The word expectation implies a demand that one has of reality and reality has a way of doing its own things.

Hope and yearnings are better in that the person who hopes or yearns has a measure of control over what is hoped for or yearned for.

Hopes are more internal than expectations. I can hope that someone will love me. I cannot expect that they will love me. I can hope to be taken care of but I cannot EXPECT that. Perhaps someone SHOULD take care of me and/or love me but I like what Dr. Albert Ellis says: " They (the human race) believe they must do well; that other people must treat them kindly, nobly and do their bidding; andthat conditions must be absolutely just so - or else they become horribly depressed. It's deadly for people to feel that they MUST have these things.These things are contrary to the facts of life. They are preferences. I'mchanging people's musts into preferences."

I would prefer that such and such were the case. I may feel?, hope?, expect?, that something WILL ABSOLUTELY BE... that it MUST be so.... - but all one can do is express ones preferences.

YES? or NO?? - what is most true?

Expectations are shared with others in a way where one need to get something from the other and if something is not procured than there is guilt!

Hopes are personal and may require someone to do something but the other is free to do or not do and not guilt is implied nor incurred.

GUILT and BLAME and miscommunications and unmet actions are painful TO ALL! Suffering is so very likely when we go beyond our hopes and dreams and instead find ourselves amongst unmet expectations and despair.

Self-sufficiency is important. Personal independence is important. A community of help and support is what civilization is mostly about as we get old and unable to be fully independent. AND in any case at all times humans need other humans to provide all with food, shelter, and clothing. We are barely ever self-sufficient and therefore barely ever really independent and really free. Choices are made. Others are chosen or we have children (of whom we have expectations and/or hopes). It takes a village, nation, planet.....

IT takes more than ourselves and it takes more than just any one other. Spouses support one another but in some cases both grow old and ill and neither can care for the other. In other cases one may be very ill and another may be so well and active as to not want to be trapped into being a full-time caregiver. OOYY!!!!

doing stuff freely or not doing stuff

Why should one have to wait to do stuff which can be done now. Sure - patience is great. Waiting is difficult but often necessary. But - AT WORK... for producing stuff, being efficient, getting things done, helping people quickly - why wait when there are tools which can do things now. Easily. Effectively!

Ah.... ??? there are answers to the why posed above. Are those why's really necessary?

Centralize vs decentralized? Controlled vs liberated? Enslaved vs free? Restrained vs loose. Constrained vs active.

What is necessary by policy? What is necessary by economics? What is necessary by politics?

Nature of necessity? Nature of central control. Nature of freedom. Nature of licence? Nature of power. Nature of ????

gentle along the way

Be kind, be gentle, do no harm.

Expect that from others. IF I am not treated gently and kindly than I may be harmed and I may disengage from those people. Self-protection is ok. On another hand a Buddhist way might have me continually treated badly since that would excercise my patience and humility and forbearance, etc.

Do I need that testing? Maybe!? Do I need that grief? Maybe. Stuff sucks sometimes. While I must be good in my actions I must be able to deal with those actions of others, whatever they are.

The actions of others are not in my control. I am only in control of myself. AND - CONTROL is to be seen as not real, either. Even self-control. BUT I may have this a bit incorrectly exaggerated! The exaggeration is that I can have control over my actions and reactions. Controlling what I see and experience is NOT to be controlled! All "out-there" is beyond my control but how I think, and feel about stuff are things I can choose to do in a variety of ways. I can choose to not feel anything. I can choose to think a story. I can, instead! - choose to be simple and just see and feel. HMMM... JUST SEE AND FEEL? Much easier to say than do.

A general mode of behaviour which is practiced and which is to be gentle and kind is a way to proceed so as to do little harm. My being safe is one thing but keeping others from harm that I might do is THE OTHER! It is good to be harmless!

new stuff/old stuff and people stuff

So... we are in a world of change. Technologies change quickly. Some people are well versed in all the changes and even in stuff that is coming along but not yet here. Others may be luddite-like. Some may be only into the new.

SO - at work places what do old-timers have to offer newbies? And vice versa. And what about personal power, embarrassment, anxiety, etc.? Newbies may seem energetic and "in" and old folks may appear slow and out of it. How do things really change? What are the "radical" issues - by which I mean what are the core values and issues and concerns and tasks... etc... In other words - what is stable and continuing and what is transient and progressing!

RESPECT for old and new is the answer to how to make things happen. Transitions which take into account that old ways are sometimes THE ways some people will do things. In our libraries the change from the paper and wood card catalog to public online catalogs was long and disturbing to some and easy and wonderful to others.

which christianity?

(the following is quite incomplete and/or not well said and/or not fully thought-out - but has value even though it is something of a personal rant. I kept it in draft for several days... but here it is.... )

SO... IF the United States were to become a "christian" country one can wonder - which christian religion would it become/follow? Would it be the Catholic Church which will reign supreme or one of the Lutherin churches/synods or some Baptist or what?

Of course in the land of religous freedom we could then wonder - what about Jews, Buddists, Muslims, and others?

I like the supremacy of a secular democracy because a secular democracy is able to accept and tolerate all kinds of people and ideas and cultures AND RELIGIONS. A secular democracy is all encompassing and it is not solely centered on any one system and it recognized that there are many systems and ways of doing things and that no one system or way of acting is absolutely the best and most perfect. Secular democracy echues perfectionism and rather appreciates the grays as well as the blacks and the whites and in fact see the infinite rainbow which is the Universe.

I think the world has seen an evolution from the particular and singularly centered to a plurality of diversity. In the beginning of history there is a centricism around first the family and then the clan and then the tribe and then the village and then the country. Some today would have us centered around the planet and in speculative fiction (or science fiction if you like) the "center" is even beyond our planet and solar system!

Along the way of the ever widening centers has come religions. There are Catholic countries and Protestant countries and Muslim countries and a Jewish country and Buddist countries and Hindu countries. And perhaps other types, too.

Our country, the United States of America, as a colonized land was not centered on any one religion (though most were christian and there is large and terrible question of the native religions). Christianity is diverse! There are several types of Catholicism. There are MANY types of Protestant religions. There are many types within the many types. What we see in the Christian religions we also see in the Muslim and the Jewish and the Buddhist, etc, etc....

Diversity and a lack of an ultamite CENTER seems to be rule and the norm. WHY? And we might also ask, why NOT?

With countries centered on any one religion we often see war and domination and oppression and soo much more which is antithetical to peace. Religions almost always seem to want to assert that some one religion (and its ways and means and ????) IS THE FINAL RIGHT/TRUE WAY. This is light (or in spite) of the fact that the discoverer of the final-right-true-way is always some individual and what he or she has discovered by experience is never an experience of the masses. The masses always choose or are made to choose "the new way" but why and why not?

voting and ego and what is your point?

so... some people wnat what they want a lot. Ego may be in play. Often I don't care that much but when others get stubbornly set on a course my reaction is to get stupid like that, too. Anger and all that comes with that then develops. AND - making these others aware of their ways does not seem to be possible. SO - I get frustrated and then angry and then.... BUT - AHHHHHHHH....... what the heck!

A point is that voting is an important thing. Consensus, another important thing, is nice too. Accuracy is very important and when voting seems to suggest consensus but does not... what about when voting is truly closer and needs to really reflect what is really going on. AHHHH....... but... winners like to win. People want THEIR own way. And perhaps one can always get ones own way.... IF one knows what to do, etc.

To be or not to be masked by anger.

Whoever is angry will sometime no longer be angry.

Anger is hard on all. The object of anger suffers. The one who is anry suffers.

Suffering is real but not enobling. Suffering is not to be prolonged but it cannot be ended, either.

Doubt is related to suffering. One is not sure of anything and that causes one to feel lost and confused and uncertain and unsure and worried and maybe right or maybe wrong and so on and so forth - and in this state of consciousness or more rightly stated - confusion - one can suffer and be angry. Angry to be confused. Angry to be in doubt or to be doubted. Angry to be worried. Angry because one is right or because one is wrong.

ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY...... In all cases noted above the anger clouds the real feelings and thoughts. Anger is the mask. Anger is the GREAT MASK.

All things pass. Anger passes. Sometimes the mask remains longer than the anger. Our faces will freeze the old wives say. Or - perhaps it is our attitudes which freeze and become cold and brittle and either they do not change or they break into shatters and tatters. Anger's look and its feels can last a lot longer than the real anger and the REAL FEELINGS which were masked. Anger is not a thing to cherish. It is something to move off of as soon as possible. Move the anger away and/or aside and let the light and the darkness show through. Whatever the light or darkness is! And be the person you are in the light or the darkness. BE!

another day and another ??????

Last night I was going to cook a paella. Tonight it may happen. A version of it anyway. I am excited. Karen may be afraid..... it will be somewhat free-form. It will not have a lot of fish but there will be rice, safron or tumeric, and other good stuff. It will be good, I am sure!

Last night we went to the Buckhorn with an old friend of Karen's who came to town. The Buckhorn is always a treat and their tri-tip sirloin is wonderfully tasty. Yum.

I also ate at the Great Wall yesterday SO--I ate too much yesterday. Food is a problem for me. I need to do something? What would a Buddhist do? A Buddhist would pay attention! Be mindful. Notice the eating. Notice the drinking. NOTICE!

fighting....

Anything can be or become a fight. Anything can be and is a stress. All may be happy, funny, light, etc.. etc.. The same things can be sad, harsh, heavy, etc. etc. Judgements, bothers, rewards, punishments. Things are the same and things are different based upon the observer and his/her perception which is based on many, many factors.

We make distinctions and sometimes those distinctions are judgements which we feel or think. They are emotional or intellectual. In any case - the more judgements the less indifference and indifference is the great evil. The content go to hell. Those who don't care are without any cares! As long as we make judgments the more we are actively relating to what is beyond ourselves. We may describe or analyse something in an apparent neutral way but in any case they are judgements at some level. Something is more blue than green. Something is 100 degrees F. and that is hotter than something which is 80 degrees F. More or less hot. More or less blue. The less we judge the less we relate. The more indifferent we appear and become. Indifference is a way of rejecting relating. Indifference is the ultimate rejection. Or so it may seem.

I have felt and thought that indifference sucks. Silence and indifference is rejection. Is Silence Golden? Silence IS peaceful. The dead do not make much noise. The dead are rejected. Do they also reject? Suicides are said to reject! How does it feel when one is ostracized? When one is excommunicated? When one is not listened to? When respect is not given? Do such thing suck? Do they feel badly?


OR.... AND... ETC.....:

There are several posts I have written but which are now in "draft". I will probably go back and publish or delete them... BUT today? --- why not publish. And about what? Well.... I have been thinking - what is peace? What is silence? What is love? What is hate? And then what are people's responsibilities to each other and to their communities? Ah... but peace IS THE THING/GOAL and silence is soo often recommended. Keep silent. Don't respond. Don't argue. Don't fight. Don't even bring any difficult things up... no matter how tactful. Really !!! that is what is soo often recommended. And then Rabbi Nachman says - be happy. Don't be depressed. Don't get into a dark space.

my religion of DOUBT

The basic problem with religion is that while clearly one type does not fit all there is the simultaneous sentiment by some that all should be of one type. This is obviously mutually exclusive. This is obviously the way of the world. We obviously have a problem.

There is a solution to the problem and that solution is to have a community which is inclusive of all forms of moral and ethical living without respect to religious beliefs and practices BUT based on some transcendent being or force. There is a need to have some ultamite basis for morality and ethics so as to recognize where there is a line beyond which one canNOT go. The LAWS of a land are not such a line but they are the best we have and the best we can have. Those LAWS must be agreed upon by all sentient beings to which they apply. The phrase "sentient beings" would include all those victims of the Holocaust but would not include unborn fetus' as anti-Abortionists would have us think. Included within "sentient beings" seems to be dogs and cats and even horses. In other words those domesticated animals with which humans relate in some aware fashion. Dolphins are part of this group, too.

The "laws of the/a land" are the best we can have as we live within a world of wonder and doubt. Doubt is a REALLY GREAT FORCE. Doubt is something which can make you pause because with doubt there is not certainty that any ultamite act is absolutely right and true.

AHHH..... ---- DOUBT!!!!!

On another hand - doubt often does lead to anxiety. When one is uncertain one is often anxious and maybe afraid and when we are afraid we sometimes do things to try and achieve certainty. BUT - at bottom there was and is doubt and with doubt there can be no certainty. Doubt is more true than any truth. Truths often are of the moment. Truths are based on cultures and perspectives and other things that change. Feelings effect what we think is true. Feelings change. Our age, how old we are, effects what we think is true. That changes, too. Faith is gained. Faith is lost. Doubts, too, change, but conceptually - all hail DOUBT! And as we act let us acknowledge our doubts and acknowledge that things change and realize that being tentative is being most real and honest and true.

On my own for a while.....

So... I am on my own for a couple of days. Karen is away. I plan to rent a few movies, have dinner with Bill Bowsky, do some nothing, go to Oakland for the Union and then also see Sarah and help a little with her move.

BUSY at work. No time to take off a whole day! Shheeesh! People sick, people gone, people away. Tough time! Getting me tired and down and more tired. And today I have been awake since 4:30am (I took Karen to the airport for an early flight). SOOO.... just hanging in here.

Got some work done today... including setting up a new list for my library colleagues (read - union/represented colleagues). Aha!

BUT - Meditate! Meditate! Meditate! - and bring G-d in so I can link myself to the ALL. Yes! I must not be/feel/say I am so tired, etc. I must be strong. I AM STRONG. Yes!

ANGER - anger is quite consuming and sad to behold. It is terrible that people get and stay angry. It is too bad, a shame, that people don't do more to help people move away from their anger. Oh well.... IT IS HARD TO HELP PEOPLE. Especially angry people. And most people are not into "hard". So... easy does it. Wait. Be patient. Time will tell. Time will heal. REALLY? Maybe. Maybe more can be done earlier... but... whatever.

The MOVIE POST

This post sort of begin with the following which came from Monday, May 16, 2005's post:

And - I need to rent a video for Wednesday night and maybe for Tuesday night, too. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events would be one; another would be: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So - a Jim Carey mini-festival. And then how about: Donnie Darko; and the Kill Bill movies; and Dogville plus the other several movies by the director: Lars von Trier - such as: his Gold Heart Trilogy (Breaking the Waves, The idiots and Dancer in the Dark.

SO... that is a lot for now.. More listed in another post!!!

THIS IS THE OTHER POST. Here are some other movies (all from IMDB.com:

One flew over the cuckoos nest
Cidade de Deus (2002)
Grand Central
Apocalypse Now (1979
To kill a mockingbird
The Third Man
Fight Club (I own this... yicky to start... but I should finish sometime)
The good, the bad, the ugly.
Jim Jarmusch movies such as: Coffee and Cigarettes,
and Jim Jarmusch movies such as: Eating; National Lampoon Goes to the Movies (1983);

More to come....

Monday, Monday...

So... here I am again... a couple of days later and just over the weekend. Friday night, all day Saturday, Sunday... there were some rough moments!!! Last Thursday night at Bruce and Susan's we had a time to remember - if only I could. And so.... fear was in the air on Friday. Karen had gotten very afraid on Thursday since there seemed to be a near medical emergency. But... who knows? In any event the weekend was colored a lot by what happened Thursday and relaxation was on my mind but processing was on Karen's mind. Rightfully so but still - I would have liked to have waited. But NOOOOOO..... SO - whatever! - I can understand that Karen was upset but I also feel defensive and am thinking defensively, too. I actually think that Bruce went a bit overboard. But do I know? Can I know? NO - I CANNOT REALLY, EVER KNOW. And that is that. I believe there was a lot of over-reacting going on... and so... moving on is all I can do. Sorry, but true.

And so... here I am - Monday. I am a bit tired. I have been working out ok for the past week. On target to do something at least every other day. And I can use a day off!

Karen is away for a few days beginning tomorrow. I take her to the airport very early in the morning. I could - maybe will - workout tomorrow morning early. As I did today, in fact. Thus - keeping going!!

Food intake is NOT going well. I am eating too much. Sneaking things like some ice cream and at the office - chocolate covered coffee beans. I do need to stop such. I do need to lose 10-20 pounds in the next month or so. That would be VERY GOOD! I have put on my "Weekly to do" document to EAT BETTER!!! It may be time for signs, again.

Plans are going very slowly relative to Ashland. The July dates are not too good for seats as per the web. August is not a go because of stuff the kids need to do. Hmmmm... maybe Septemter?

AND - I need to make some telephone calls. To my Uncle Jerry, and to my Cousin Arthur, and to Cousin Sheera, et al, and to Susan Rosenthal, and to Gail. THAT's alot!! I need to schedule and dial!

And - I need to rent a video for Wednesday night and maybe for Tuesday night, too. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events would be one; another would be: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So - a Jim Carey mini-festival. And then how about: Donnie Darko; and the Kill Bill movies; and Dogville plus the other several movies by the director: Lars von Trier - such as: his Gold Heart Trilogy (Breaking the Waves, The idiots and Dancer in the Dark.

SO... that is a lot for now.. More listed in another post!!!

AND NOW - - - - > Up and at'm again

It has been such a long time since I wrote here. Even though it may have been less than a month - the last post was a bit perfunctory, I would say. And this one.... hmmmm....

The last post was about Passover and preparations for Passover. Prep was a bit minimal, Karen was terrific getting soo much together and keeping it real (no corn stuff in stuff, no breads or other grains, etc, etc!!), the Seder went well with good discussions and with moving along through most highlights. Our little group seemed to be happy. I still would like to have it a bit different/better/something.... So - wait till next year, as the Dodgers used to say.

Mothers Day came and went. I can't help but think about that and about my Mom. BUT - I don't obsess too much anymore. Essentially - Mom is very special. And we shall leave it at that.

Busy, busy, busy!!! And so - STRESSED! But - finally dealing with most things and getting into some good healthy routines. There have been some health issues and also a lack of exercise and meditating. I did do both the past two days. Today may be an off day. Tomorrow will then HAVE TO BE ON!!!! My body feels pretty good but there is some stiffness and aching. My head is helped by the meditation. AHHH!!!

Karen is doing good. We are doing good. Our stressing is being moved through. My daughters are doing fine. I think and hope. Sarah is going to take time off this summer before she and Amy head to New York. She will be coming home for about 7 weeks... and I hope things go well with and for her. Amy has not talked about her plans for the same period time and I think she will work longer and remain in San Francisco during the summer.

And me and vacation? And with Karen? Well - we are probably going to Monterrey in August and in July I hope to go with Karen and my daughters to Ashland. Sarah and Amy and I used to go to Ashland a lot. Almost every year for a while. We had some good times! This is like one of our real things. In fact... I will get on to this again, now, today, since we have to choose some dates and Amy will need to get some time off from work. I should be able to get off fairly easily and Sarah will not be working and Karen will hopefully not have a problem. BUT -- plans need to be made!

And other plans being made are changes to the house! We are looking to enlarge the master bedroom, have a new master bathroom, have a laundry room inside, and then also enlarge the kitchen. I have a computer planning program I got free once upon a time from Cyberrebates. I am using it to good effect, I think. An addition of about 250 square feet or more for the master bedroom suite is being drawn up and for the kitchen we have hardly gotten started but we may move into the living room space or move the kitchen over into the dining area space. OR... AHH!!! NEW - change the door of the garage, remove much of the lawn (make it a bit like Susan Palmer's) and then move into some garage space, as well as move into the dining area. In some other words.. if we take out the laundry area than open into the garage on that wall! AND THEN - where to put a hot tub? and doors to the outside (off the dining area onto that side of the house), etc....

BUT --- lets keep the stress down! We WILL get to these things. We are thinking and planning and moving along. We are still working in the garage to unpack and re-arrange. Stuff is and will happen! And the money will come from????

pre-Passover - 2005

What a day it has been. May have had a bus just pass me by. Maybe not. Then... the morning meeting went badly relative to using Netmeeting. Our Systems folks did not get it running. Disappointing and frustrating, at least! Sheeesh.

Moving right along.... this weekend will be hectic. Two Seders.. one in Sacramento and one, on Sunday, at our home. Ready or not!

I have not gotten my script together yet. I have some ideas and will need to photocopy some songsheets, I think. I need to check what I have at home from previous years. Then build on that. This always happens... I always feel like doing more than I ever do. Sheesh.... AND - no Turkey this year. A chicken dish will be put together. I think I will try to fry a turkey for 4th of July. Hmmm... maybe! Or some kind of Turkey dinner for my daughters before they take off for NEW YORK CITY!!!!! Sheesh...

We have lots of Manishewitz - Extra Heavy Malaga.
Folks who will be there are:

1.Karen
2.Ken
3.Sarah
4.Amy
5.Margot
6.Linda
7.Ilia
8.Seymore
9.Sarah
10.Melissa
11.Greg
12.Sam
others????
Maybe Philip
and????

Wedding and wedding pictures, etc...

On March 19, 2005 I married Karen Joyce Spatz, now: Karen Joyce Firestein. LOVE!!!

Pictures can be seen at:
See pictures of the weddinghere.

Ahhh... beautiful!

and so it goes

So - being disavowed by my parents is the thing. And - their karma is no longer linked to me. Some might say - "their loss" and others might say: "your/my loss". BUT - what can one do? Control is not possible. I can't control and I can't be controlled. Nor should "control" rule, so to speak. May freedom reign.

Still - can't help but feel sad sometimes since there have been so many lies that I have been told and that I have almost believed. And - so many lies that people say which they themselves believe.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Fortunately, the world is a good place. It is wonderful.

Fortunately, I have a good life and a good wife. She, Karen, is wonderful. And good.

And - fortunately, I have had wonderful and terrific and good children who I dearly love. They are two of the most wonderful young women I can imagine! I hope for and wish them the most happiness, always. I worry about them, sometimes. I am anxious about how things are going in their lives and in their work - but I look forward to better times, always.

Optimism is the way. The practice is to be mindful of the moment and to notice how the moment is usually very, very good!

AH... LOVE!

my peev about being listened too?!

So - I just don't get listened to a lot. It bugs me. I am very disturbed but it is MY problem. It is just that it seems like I should only bother saying what I will be willing to insistantly assert. Anything else - well - if I enjoy talking to myself than just go ahead and assume that is likely to be all. Or something like that! Shit.

and now.... for something completely the same!

The same - shit! - you know - the stuff with my sister. Ah... she is just toooo much!

So why bother? Guilt about not having bothered once before? But - now she is more than old enough. And - I have become involved in a discussion and now I have a question she can answer which might be interesting. In any case - this has taken a lot of energy and enough is about enough at this point. Too bad, soo sorry.

It is really a shame!

small things, big things

I think the Talmud says that one should follow all mitzvots without thinking what is a large one and what is a small one. It is not for us to say what is big and little. They are all from G-d.

In my life I have peevs and such and some are seen by others as big and some as little. For me - their size is not the point. In fact - I sometimes will not talk about or complain about the big things because they are big while small things may be seen as manageble. Maybe I am wrong to deal with things this way.

What does one have control over? The big picture? OR the details?

From Fugitive pieces by Anne Michaels
p.22: "'It's a mistake to think it's the small things we control and not
the large, it's the other way around! We can't stop the small accident,
the tiny detail that conspires into fate: the extra moment you run back
for the something forgotten, a moment that saves you from an accident -
or causes one. But we can assert the largest order, the large human values
daily, the only order large enough to see.'"

ahhhh fighting

Fighting between those who are close. Those who have a history together. Those who share lots of life and who can have lots of issues. Some unsaid. Some crossovers. What have you? What you have is difficulty in focusing on the single things that come up. One person says - this is bothering me... and the other person says - well such and such is a problem for me. The such and such is a reaction to the "this" and now who knows what is the problem. One problem has become two and there really was just one... but now there is confusion and distraction and a first escalation and thus the opportunity to further escalate. and DISTRACT.

Darn....

Talmud says:
"5. Yosi ben Yochanan of Jerusalem said: Let your house be wide open and let the poor be members of thy household; and do not talk much with women. This was said about one's own wife; how much more so about the wife of one's neighbor. Therefore the sages have said: He who talks too much with women brings evil upon himself and neglects the study of the Torah and will in the end inherit Gehenna."

Talking with ones wife may be about issues and differences and peeves and anoyances and talking directly with the person who is party to the difficulty is very difficult. Defenses go up and too often offense happens, too. Some say the best defense is a good offense!

confession - vidui

On Yom Kippur we Jews recite the Vidui which is a confession of our sins. We do this publicly in and as a congregation at our Services. Some "sins" we may have committed and some we may not have. The idea of reciting the full litany with all the community may be assume that all such misbehaviours have been done by someone. OR - it may be a way of listing all those things which should not be done so as to serve as a notice and reminder of such things.

In any case... I and Karen are about to be married and it is a tradition to recite the Vidui/Confessional. How and when is not exactly clear at this moment and we will check with the Rabbi but the point must be that the Wedding is an end and a beginning and therefore a time to cleans ourselves. SO - we do the confessional and see forgiveness and we give forgiveness.

So much separation will be part of our wedding. Havdahlah separates the mundane week from the Holy Shabbat. The Wedding separates our pasts from our future together. All that went before has value and I/we are grateful for all from the past. But - the past is no longer! And we move into the future, together, and with this community and with others, too! Others who couldn't make it here and others who have not yet been met. Viva the Future!

forgiveness - so hard!

Forgiveness is the most important ability that anyone can have. Or... the ability to forgive is one of the very important qualities that a person needs. And - to be forgiving is very difficult. To be sorry and/or apologetic is also difficult.

SO - who said living was easy? Most people say that life is a struggle. Suffering is said to be everywhere. Joy may also be everywhere. Neither may be anywhere.

Being forgiving is not easy. So - is the opposite easy? Is it easy to hold a grudge? Is it easy to continue to do wrong things to somebody (a lover, a parent, a child) even when you know what you do is not good?

Well - I think it is not any easier to hold a grudge than it is to be forgiving. Furthermore, it is not easy to really be apologetic, which would mean that the bad thing(s) one is apologizing for will NEVER be done again as it is difficult to correct bad behaviors.

NOTHING is easy. Everything is difficult. Help is needed by all.

People who get hurt can help by not holding those grudges and memories and certainly not throwing things up in a person's face again and again and again. I don't mean that a person should forget and suppress memories of what happened or what was done but a certain amount of forgetfulness can help with forgiveness. The victim and the perpertrator can work together to do the difficult task of changing. A so called "perp' doesn't need to be reminded of how s/he acted. The victim can be kind and supportive of new thinking and behaviors which the perp is trying to make into new habits.

All this is known to sociologists and psychologists who have seen people with deep seated problems change in treatment settings only to revert to old ways if they return to the old community. It takes a community to change and to maintain change. Individuals can do a lot but they can only achieve so much in the face of peers and communities which challenge them, especially when the challenge is not out there as a challenge but is out there as a powerful and secret seductive force which is asserted unseen and somewhat unknown. The Unknown is something to be anxious about because until it becomes known you don't know what you are up against. The Unknown is a difficulty to move beyond. It is, perhaps, just one of those things that are not easy to get beyond. It is hard to get to know .....

So... it is hard to know what might happen if forgiveness is given and accepted.

It is hard to know what will happen if we hold our hard and bad memories and feed our unforgiving grudges.

Stuff is hard. Stuff is not easy. (I am sounding like the parodies of the president - so maybe it is true for him... and maybe Bush's assertion that things are hard is something which resonates with people since we all have things that are hard.... but this political diversion is not for this post).

Blessed are those who ask and receive forgiveness. Blessed are those who give and take forgiveness. Blessed is the act of forgiving. Amen.

wedding, wedding, wedding

All is the wedding! And all is moving along ok. We have many questions yet to answer and things to do but we are moving along ok. We are still looking at wedding cakes or alternatives. And what about that Champagne Fountain? As in "Unbearable Lightness of Being"

non-partisan suffering

Democracy is a wonderful thing, we think. But do we really think and believe that? "Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried." -Winston Churchill.

Ah... to suffer about ones opinions and social, political wishes and values. That is what happens when ones viewpoints are in the minority. And that suffering is not made easier because you are not alone but you have the company of as many as 50% of the voters less one! The suffering is magnified and multiplied by being in the company of those others who have LOST!

But have you/they lost? Has the other side WON? Do the winners suffer, too, as they anguish over the possibility of becoming losers sometime in the future?

Democracy means, perhaps? most fundamentally - CHOICE. And choices change as time progresses. Perhaps a new context appears. Perhaps new feelings arise. Perhaps when young a person wants what an older person has but when the young become older then they are the elders who have earned what they have and want to keep it. Simple as that and more complicated, too.

BUT SO MUCH SUFFERING!!!

Why don't YOU (you) see ME (me)? Why don't YOU(me) see ME(you? There are KNOTS to untie and not until then can the straight and narrow be seen as the infinite continuuom life and reality it.

Pluralism is reality. There are groups and diversity and differences and conflicts and harmony AND at core there are certain things that are common to us all. What is the commonality? That is THE GREAT QUEST.

an RSS ??? from class

look at this:

">

Will this work?