2025 Daily - 07/24/2025

Today -- heard from Steve -- Debbie slept well as she is taking the pain medications. So she is being comfortable.

So far today -- services in the morning, talk w/Amy soon after (on phone!!), some laundry, now have a Michael Sandel lecture up on the screen, will workout...., wearing a light knee brace which is helpful, had breakfast and a light lunch plus nuts and chocolate chips... and writing this... Also called prescription service and Freedom Visa card service to "fix" things.

AH.. this - I should note that Amy noted she was upset with stuff... And it is very hot in NYC... and ac (air conditioning) is expensive. We talked about what and when I might do what ... relative to sister and car, etc etc...

Later, too, will I go out to eat? Will I have a beer out? Will I clean/toss things in house...??? And gather in tomatoes from garden? 

What about returns to Amazon -- pants? blood pressure device?

AND what about PIANO and WRITING... 

aaaahhhhh......

2025 Daily - 07/23/2025

 here i am again....  five days after last post....

In the time ... i've been to SFMoma w/Ellen. Saw Sarah at Susan's for lunch on Sunday ... and rehearsed at CBS... Monday --- services and  workout... Other usual stuff... nothing special... EXCEPT - I have set in stone, so to speak, Vietnam trip. I still need to arrange air into Hanoi and then out of Ho Chi Minghn....

Today is Wednesday ... I will be seeing Superman tonight...

This morning watched recent Sunday Morning ... and watched a piece about changing oneself... And got a lead to a web site for psychological testing: https://ipip.ori.org/  Where there are some interesting looking articles and leads to tests. AND - I need to both begin/re-begin Piano and Meditation.

As for my sister -- she is carrying on ... No communications from her for several days but talks w/Steve and Cindy have been informative. She is on hospice and taking pain meds on hospice's schedule... of shots...every 6 hours.... plus when requested. She seems to now be willing to be made more comfortalble. Sounds good. I do have nothing much to add and I am not asked for anything. I have nothing more to say/discuss after my recent visit.  And so.....  waiting.

2025 Daily - 07/18/2025

 sang again at Rotary.... saw Steve...

talked w/Stephen -- Debbie getting lots of visits... Might talk w/her later...

Right now -- on phone changing Vietnam trip... changing start date and removing pre-trip...I hope... LOOKS LIKE NO CHANGE... long trip w/pre-trip extension -- Dec. 10/11 - Jan. 4th... ON...!!!

And new ways for me to be:

no intent to change other... AND no assumptions of who/what is right... (examples are Chabad Rabbi and translations... as well as Mike, Neal, and others..?!!!)

2025 Daily - 07/16/2025 - and NEW learnings...

Talked very briefly w/Debbie... and she was back in the hospital... and I understand she is back home now .. and on Hospice -- who is providing 24 hour nurses... 2 12 hour shifts ... and so Stephen doens't have to get up for water, ice, this-that... etc... A great relief for him and better service for Debbie. The food difference not significant... AND so ... 

I have been wondering all day about how things were going... not having heard from Debbie or Stephen..

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today saw my cardiologist...  Who talked about my having an electrical problem ... vs a plumbing problem -- my plumbing is being dealt with by Eliquis. The electrical problem is not very severe and not likely to be sudden in some negative effect. Sounded good to me... AND I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I must work at it... I CAN do it!!!! I need to reach a new plateau at about 260 and then move on to 250 ... etc. etc.. Until I get to about 220. I CAN DO IT!!!!

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This evening w/Chabad Rabbi Brownstein - and in discussing a "new" Torah .. or a question of contradictory interprestations... How we eat, slaughter animanls and my "favority" - the cheeseburger... TO FOLLOW as we do with the Fence Around the Torah -- let us Honor the entire Species and all that is made from it...  OR - what about the new meats and cheeses that are not animal based -- ?? Can they be mixed - EVEN though - for appearance sake - no .. but for LEGAL sake -- why not???

AND - once upon a time --- one could follow Hillel OR Shammai... even if very different... AS long as "rules of Torah exegesis" are followed. So - what is the Halakah ... on!!!???

THE QUESTION ... why discuss issues with people who will not change their views...leaving it so that only I might change?!!!  AHH... Change is not the issue... Understanding is the issue!!! (I tried to understand when I discussed Capital Punishment ... though I carried with me a big hope, even an expectation - that change was possible... That hope/expectation showed... and that is not a good way to proceed in discussions. That could be said, I suppose, for Trumpers, too.

Debates amongst the Sages... the ancient ones... Who today is a sage? What are the Schools equivalent/similar to House of Hillel and House of Shammai...? 

A question: What is proper Torah exigesis? Who does it today? Who judges?

At some point -- Jews declare they are Jews -- while following different halakich rules... On another hand -- Christians declared/chose to NOT be Jews... Therein lies the significant difference.

Patrilineal vs Matrilineal descent; women as Rabbis; women counted as part of Minyan; cheeseburgers with or without real beef and/or real cheese; OTHER??

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one: discussions with the intent to change an other --- NOT a good idea.... Discuss to learn and understand and see perspectives...

two: in discussing "convert" vs "sojourner" it occurred to me that I entered the idiscussion with the prejudice that the liberal translation was more correct than the orthodox translation of the word GER...

(and while my assumption might be correct ... I think it was said .. the translation in question (Numbers18:10) may have been chosen for halachic reasons ... who is the basis, a source, for future orthodox considerations about converts...!?)

IN ANY CASE: seek understandings and avoid assumptions

2025 Daily - 07/15/2025

Today started with me hearing from Debbie. She is back hospital.  Not good... to have to go ... but a good place to be, I hope and she hopes. Air reservations are in place and a place to stay set, too. Cancelations may be necessary. A car will be needed, too. Waiting, waiting, waiting....!!!

Then tv news talked about massive rain in NYC and checking in with Amy and others ... getting back ok reports as to their situations. 

Had a nice walk w/Ava. Will probably workout later... with weights and maybe some aerobics.

Took Rachel today to Trader Joe's... 

2025 Daily - 07/14/2025 - and my proudness....

 Am I now on an every two day schedule for this blog... NO.... I hope to get back into dailies.. As well as begin playing piano once a day for at least 30 minutes... 

Today - wrote emails about getting piano tuned and about getting computers copied and cleared of data. I await hearing back from folks.

AND other cleaning/clearing in my house?!!!

SO much to do!! 

DO - compare Vietman tours... and make air reservations is/as necessary. And continue to plan for Florida trip. 

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Just  finished a session with anticipitory grief folksss.. Relative to my sister and backed up by the loss of my father and mother... 

What am I least proud of in my life??? - it is How I handled relating to my parents and my sister. I feel guilty about not making things right, good, etc... I regret not working a miracle relative to having a good family relationship with them. I could have bent or broke myself to their will and needs. I think they would have appreciated that!!!! Instead I moved 3000 miles away from them and I did not make great efforts to communicate or visit. I did not do what I was supposed to do... as per their world view. And today I have regrets and feel some guilt and to a significant extent I am alone. I do not feel cared for by some people I might think might care for or about me. I AM fortunate to have my daughters and some relatives and some friends... So I am blessed ... while also feeling abandoned and even cursed.

2025 Daily - 07/12/2025

 Just back from French Housewarming Soire -- Lori, Meghan, Jeff... new house in College Park. Nice party. lovely home. A good time. I'm glad I went and socialized and talked with people. NICE.

Earlier - went to services. Nice. Good lunch. Karla's 80th birthday celebration. Lifted Torah. Sang along. NICE...

Tomorrow... - workout, lunch w/Sarah, CBS Chorus, and then dinner at Ellen's. Nice!

I haven't asked anyone to join me on trip to Vietnam. Might not.... And if not -- I will wash from my mind the idea of meeting someone on trip... Recent trips I think I have had that hope, expectation ... and that is really not me!!! Remember who I am !!!!

It is late now ... a little past 10pm. I'm tired.. I may watch something on tv in bedroom.  And then sleep!!!!

2025 Daily - 07/10/2025

 I sort of skipped yesterday. I thought about writing ...late... and then decided not to write... 

Yesterday was day I had lunch w/new guy - Barry. Slow day. A little workout. Not much.... THOUGH I DID sign up for a trip to Vietnam in December. Good deal, too. I have some time to think, cancel, find a partner?, get a flight....  I also got a Roads Scholar big brochure and I will compare the itineraries of the two tour programs ... RS with OAT. I have preferred Overseas Adventure Travel! BTW - oh my knees!!! I hope they hold up!!!

Did some online banking. Moved money around to re-consolidate after getting bonus' from Chase.  

Also yesterday did have a little conversation with Debbie. She did not go on hospice since she says they weren't offering her any services she didn't already have. TODAY she answered the phone but was too tired to talk. Seems I may have awakened her. 

Now today -- I had a good workout after a nice walk - last minute - w/Ava. Now I'm awaiting the arrival of Ellen and we are going to an Athletics ballgame. It is hot... but hopefuly not too hot... 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring??? I wonder!!!

2025 Daily - 07/08/2025 - hospice?

Today may have been the day my sister went onto hospice. She didn't want to talk about her planning to meet with hospice folks at 3pm her time. We spoke at about noon her time. I will call tomorrow and find out what is new. What is new? What is happening? What she tells me says it it VERY hard, painful, uncomfortable, not good!!!! I am now just listening since when I asked her to tell me what she think was likely to be ... how things might be ... she got upset. She has been thinking about this for a long time, she says. She has long talked about quality of life being important and necessary and her quality of life is not good and not likely to get better AND there is the pain and discomfort. SO - I can only hope she gets something good from the hospice folks. They are ok, I think. They are not wonderful in Debbie's experience, I think. I think she would not look back on what they did for Mother as there was the difficulties in getting Mother home AND THEN -- once that was settled it was not as good as hoped for. to put it another way - nowhere was good - not the hospital or the in-hospital hospice or the inhome hospice. For a little while it seemed as if moves to and fro were the way of each day. Maybe not really -- but Mother was very unhappy in the last few days of her life... and didn't like where she was ... wherever that was ... as I recall...

For me -- I am not planning to expecting to go out and wait and watch. I am both not apparently really wanted there NOR would I feel safe as the pain of the folks there easily morphs into anger directed at anyone who doens't do anything more than just be silent and listen to whatever... AND questions are not allowed even as what is said by Debbie are her own questions that might be clarified ... and understood.. but that is not what they allow .. AND ALSO - some of that anger includes acusations and assertions suggesting there is something wrong with me .. or whomever. The Steve outbreak was over the top ... and the double-teaming anger was like my mother and father's way of doing things... NOT a good memory!

SO - I will wait and I have my several reservations and that is that.. about that..

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The rest of my day was ok... Saw Rachel, did some volunteering with Swim America which is Rotary related. Worked out... Watched a movie -- Heads of State - a comedic action romp. Fun!

A part of The Knick I watched had me turning it off as there was a depiction of a riot against blacks where great harm was put on the blacks.... for no good reason except hate, anger, and prejudice ... all unwarrented againt the many victims. DISTURBING...

Also zooomed/googled with Portugal friends... Vic, Marie, Holly.... MAYBE northern Spain in the spring? Trafalgar OR ????

And now -- to bed and sleep... it is about 11:30PM.

2025 Daily - 07/07/2025

 lucky 7 day???

Today as every day is the first day of the rest of my and your life...

Why have I involved myself with dangerous people? I know better... and I know I need to be ever on the defensive. SO ... that is ok... I need and want nothing from those who think they have something ...including bullshit feelings that are simply narcisism projected... Center of attention is what some people have always wanted... at funerals, at bnai mitzvot of others, and whereever....!!! Never really the center of attention... except at ... their funeral. And coming right up.... !!!

But that is me reacting to being talked to with no respect and no truth. A lot like any trumper.  All talk and no self-reflection. Alcholics and gamblers and someone who can't really leave the past behind (lives in a house which is a museum to a dead spouse who probably paid for all... dinner tables set for guests who never come, a kitchen covered with paper to prevent dirt and use, etc etc..)

BUT MOVING ON....

met and sang with Bnai Shalom chorus yesterday ... and we're off!!! Nice music. Looking forward to further rehearsals and our singing for the congregation. I need to practice and perhaps take more of a lead in bass/baritone section. 

AND   ----  Just talked w/sister and she is continuing to muddle.... 

2025 Daily - 07/06/2025

 Aaaahhhhhh.... one of those days ... after one of those encounters... 

I must keep in mind -- there are people dangerous to my psyche...  People who have lived with storylines and shared those storylines and who were and are attack dogs ... SAD... but I really do know I must keep away from certain people.... who are having problems but are willing to be nasty in their defense even when it is not necessary or right. THEIR hurting is as self-centered as any inhumane narcisist.. and their lack of real empathy and compassion is most real. Oh well... That was yesterday. Moving to the unreal conversations.... I may or may not call today, etc... etc...  I may be a comfort to others.. but who comforts me? I have some needs, too!

On another set of life's stories.. today will be the first day with the Bnai Shalom chorus. I will also have lunch w/Sarah and may zoom with Portugal trip people -- Marie, Holly, Vic... Workout first.. after some breakfast. 

Also yesterday - a nice time at poolside at Andrew's and Jan's. 

And then tv in the evening -- a Knick and a Newsroom... 

2025 Daily - 07/05/2025 - after missing the 3rd and 4th

 THE thing -- budget economy busting bill passed ... Fiscal conservatism is once more displaying as tax abatement for the rich... and not so famous? The rich benefit, the middle pays, the poor suffer. DARN!!!!

I came across, again, the show Newroom w/Jeff Daniels, the RAP about America.... which was moving and prescient. Here is the big answer he gives about the greatness of America now, in the past, and in the future-> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTjMqda19wk&t=8s. It is not about bluster and bully POWER -- it is more in tune with the Bully PULPIT... but not religious. The world does have a moral compass and peace and tranquility is where I want to lead and be.

TODAY is the day after the US Independence Day celebration. The date is July 4th - not August 2nd, my birthday. the day the Declaration was signed... by Hancock and all those others. Brave people (men).

AND I still want to hear, see, read ... The Unknown Soldier and his Wife by Peter Ustinov ... a play from the late 1960's.... A war and anti-war play... with humor and sorrow.

It is NOW early Saturday morning ... and will get dressed and drive to Walnut Creek and then back... etc. etc.. Maybe more later.

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2025 Daily - 07/02/2025 - express yourself and ... love

Express yourself .... a song by Madonna is what I had in mind... AND -- as I listened to it I also considered the lyrics with reversed gender (her to him)... and it worked.

TODAY I thought about Expressing oneself when listening to a young person say it was necessary as murals were being used for expression in Philadelphia - see: 

Philadelphia Convention and Visitors Bureau

https://www.discoverphl.com › Blog Posts

Philadelphia is known as the “Mural Capital of the World,” with over 4,000 murals created in the city. What started as an anti-graffiti program in 1984, ...

It was an interesting assertion that was different than the other assertion which is: People need/want to be PRODUCTIVE... 

Expresssive vs productive ... Art/leasure vs capitalism.

SO - lets assume for a moment - Capitalism is a very good way to produce the necessities of life such as food, clothing, and shelter. As Erich Fromm said, I think in Escape from Freedom, such needs are able to be taken care of in the 20th and now the 21st Century. Fromm than points out that these Freedoms FROM allow us Freedoms TO -- but are we able to TO??? When we have freedoms TO do whatever is that not difficult for some? He shows yes... and I forget now what solutions he offers BUT - artistic expressions might be one FREE TO 

I have soo much to think about these days ... as in all my days. Freedom is often (always?) on my mind as are SHOULDS which are in a fight with what I might want. 

To consider Expressiveness -- I agree it is a need many if not all people have. AND I want to add here and now -- being expressive with an audience that is reached is important and might be essential. Me, for instance, write this and other things without getting an audience while I hope for an audience someday. My hope sustains me, I think! And hope. \

SO the mural project in Philly is VERY COOL... and I will share the info w/Robin who went looking at murals in various eastern european towns/cities.

BACK to EXPRESSIVENESS... there is the Charles W Wright

Express Yourself lyrics - and that is another thing!!!! 

Wright is RAPPIN".... while Madonna is lovin" and both talk to me while Wright may be much more communicating to the Philadelphia projects and their likes.

NOW: Let me talk a bit about LOVE... and respect and 2nd best and tests and certainties.

Have I settled? Did others settle on me? Where was respect and where were the expressions of affection. And what are the TESTS?

AHHHH..... Tests! I once thought I tested my partners by being angry and I wanted to know how much they would take. This was based, I think, on a model I saw growing up where at least anger directed at my mother's working as a my father's secratery was rampant! She didn't do all he thought she could, should, and he wanted.  However - the women with whom I related did not work with me... yet anger got expressed and used and that was wrong, wrong, wrong. And ineffective.

RESPECT -- goes both ways as does expressing affection. I must wonder about how much expressions of affection came my way and where was my need? My need was probably based on not getting much from mom and dad. As for Respect -- I got little of that and likely gave little to others - while admiring and respecting those partners. One was effective. One had a great memory. One had religion and that was important to me. One was ???? And one did offer affection.... Or at least put LOVE out as essential and basic. Another was creative and another was very hardworking. (name those names!!!??).

As for certainty - I have come to think and believe that little or nothing is certain except HERE AND NOW....

And ESSENTIALLY - I have also come to think/believe - I never felt deeply enough.... about anyone or anything. SAD for me and for others!

THEREFORE - 2nd best may have been had often... or worse - very good and essentially best people where not treated as queens, etc.! MY BAD....

SO - here I am.

Still wondering - what do I want? Who do I want? When? Where? WHY?!!!

In a person I look for, I think: compassion/understanding; open curiosity; some similar interests (music, art, films, tv, philosophy/religion; travel to support the previous qualities; and independence moderated by togetherness; and good looks, too.

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2025 Daily - 07/01/2025

 Ahhh.. Tuesday - first of the month... visit w/Rachel and trip to Grocery Outlet -- always a fun adventure. Today I found Hebrew National Salami!!! Later today I plan to bbq - sausages, onions, potatoes, and ???? As well as cook up the brocolli and make it into some kind of salad.

Also - today I was supposed to get a house visit from my insurance company but after waiting over an hour they called and said it was not happening... a illness or something came up with their agent. I am calling them to get some satisfaction. Having the visa card sent ... and then we can talk about further scheduling. They will be getting back to me...

Now I am calling United Airlines to see about bereavement fare issue... Unknown date... can I reserve something?

ISSUES as always for me... Relative to lots but at this time relative to my sister.

• What do I need and want?
• What do/can I expect?
• etc...

Answers???? Includes shoulds, shouldev's ... 

The past cannot be changed. The present is what we have. The future is unknown and unknowable and assumptions should not be made though I do assume and think this and that. I have a fairly good idea of what might/could happen!!! Nothing really good for me... THE best is I am left regretting the past missed years. There is little future and no way I can believe if things were reversed antything would be better, good, etc... coming to me. Sure it seems I am thinking in a self-centered manner but my experiences have been with those who have exhibited extreme self-centeredness and have both relished in their narcisism as well as dishing out pain when possible. AHHHHH...... OY!