So - I lost it the other night. Badly. Noticed while it was happening that I lost it... but kept on going with talk. Why? Who really knows... but I will say the following:
1. today, the final? thought on the origin of the rage is that I saw myself being trapped into doing something while I, for whatever reasons, really wanted to do something else. I was "asked" and told why it was needed and all in front of an audience and with a time constraint, too. SO... an answer was needed NOW and clearly it must meet the needs of some other... and my interests were not inquired about... SO - I was TRAPPED.
2. And... the "other" just talked and talked and talked and set up the situation so that the "other" could not be refused because illness and weakness was all on the "other" side. How could anyone refuse. SO - TRAPPED again! And the audience could see how needy was this other!
3. The reasons given may or may not have been the entire set of reasons. And - if I was to do anything else --- I would have been alone in a strange area of the city. THANKS alot. And I already had been told that "walking by oneself" was undesireable and even dangerous. So, I wonder, if this "danger" issue might have been a or even the reason!
I DO get angy. That is ok, I think. Becoming enraged is NOT ok. Being ENTRAPPED is also not ok. Feeling like I have no choice is a bad feeling for me. A VERY BAD FEELING. Nevertheless, I must try, in the future, to BREATHE through it. Even if it kills me to be trapped - that is something I need to do.... Right?
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