I write this early -- about 8am Saturday morning . MAYBE more later... if not tomorrow is another day..
AHHHHH... the concept for today is cognitive dissonance.
from Google AI - a definition....
"Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actions. This internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements"
Applied to me ... and some issues, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours... - my family is the source of a lot of dissonance! How and if or as I feel is subjected to lots of dissonance. Some ok? Maybe. Dissonance, however, is ever a source of discomfort so the title of the book by Pema Chodron intrigues me and I must read it again soon. The title: Comfortable with uncertainty is applicable to our current political world however HOW DOES IT APPPY TO ME... and to my sister and me? And others and me ... and communities and me? Lots of things to consider!
What changes might I make? Expressions of feelings ... behaviours in community... connections with others.... I HAVE LOTS OF AREAS OF DISCOMFORT... and therefore uncertainty and anxiety and needs to reconcile, perhaps. Of course what about the others in the "conflicts"? Where are they when it comes to reconciliations and initiating connections? WHY ME FIRST all the time? Or it seems like it is always me initiating connections? I find myself, therefore, the primary guilty party... and I truly have to doubt that!!!!
SR is a prime example! Nothing was really done to her but her judgement of me was clear and absolute and negative and persists. In her case - why would I try to reconcile... since there is nothing for me to address while her unfriendliness and negativity and rigidity are three barriers I don't care to knock my head against.
Others - with whom I have a different history and connection - such as daughters - have been trials and who initiated reconciliations could be seen as shared and for that I feel blessed and grateful.
And others are quite sure they were in the right .. and I was in the wrong... and for the most part they don't matter. One was intelligent but rigid...
RIGIDITY is significant in my thinking... I have seen myself as flexible to the point of not being clear, certain, disciplined AND sometimes I have found those traits to be good and sometimes not good ... The UNDISCIPLINED part in particular. And my clarity on issues has too often been clear relative to the last thing I read, heard, learned. A bit under-analyzed or something.
And now .. I end writing to dress and head to Walnut Creek.
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