Why do I do the things I do? What is my motivations?
Essentially I rather do what is generally considered right than that which is not or which is odd, unusual. What I did at myfather shiva was odd, unusual compared with most. For my mother -- I was silent at funeral (except for the song) and at shiva - quiet and normal. Now with my sister -- I am the last and I may be silent completely. BECAUSE....
I have resentments. I have regrets. I have angers. All those may be viewed as on me... though in several instances they were responses to behaviours directed at me or behaviours not done... for me. AHHH.... me, me, me... When I write and consider what has happened I could emphasize afronts and things done by others... or not done... OR I can try to express what I FELT at the time... Feelings such as being ignored/abandoned, disrespected (the tallit), certainly misunderstood - not heard... alone, lonely, not actively loved... I have a lot of negatives and while there were positives ... I must wonder how many came from Debbie? I know she followed the lead of others (joined at the mom's and dad's hip, so to speak). She wouldn't hear my complaints - no matter how I phrased them ("I" statements may not always have lead the way early on ... LATER???). And after she did listen to me talk about how I was abused --- it turns out she had not idea or sense or recollection of what I experienced. As I have thought... we got raised by different parents in different spaces...
SO - with resentments and lack of shared history or experiences... as we share "blood" what else is there really ... and so what I am doing and why????
AN ANSWER some might think is ... I look to inherit whatever, whenever... In fact first - I don't need anything. Second - cars and other things might prove burdensome in various ways if they came my way. THIRD -- I can imagine a final SLAP by Debbie and parents.... in text of whatever will, etc.
SO - I do what I do .. keep it to a minium and maybe - just maybe -- I will never see Debbie alive again. Can I live with that --- of course, yes... There is really nothing I have to say or ask AND anything she might say or do will be whatever it will be...She CONTROLS and that is the primary point!
AND tomorrow - Monday - is a new week and I may or may not initiate a check in ... and I want to stop thinking and feeling about this ending...
It will be another beginning for me! A lonely beginning. A free begining. A beginning without a lot of time SO - what shall I do? ... where? With whom? How... WHEN!
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