Good day...!!!?? For damage - see end, after line...
Bed delivered.
Got hotel in florida near hospital - as per my thinking and conversation w/Steve
got call from Cindy and she said Arnold will pick me up at airport in Ft. Lauderdale. Very nice!
Made dinner reservations in NYC for 4 - Pam, Amy, Chris, and me... at upscale kosher steakhouse. I might make a second reservation to give us a choice... The first is Tabernacle... and Pam was there recently and it was hearty and good. Another place she has not been to recently but which has a more diverse menu - and french style is: La Brochette Steakhouse. Possible to change to .. BUT plan is better for me to go to Tabernacle after visiting the Whitney in afternoon. Whitney closes at 6pm and walk to restaurant is about 30 minutes.
And then - I will need to remember to cancel one! or both if Florida stay is prolonged.
In fact - my sister is really not doing well. And may not recover - in part or fully. The cancer treatment has stopped and the blockage is not getting a lot better .. a little.. but hospice is coming in to consult and Debbie will see what they have to offer. That is the story .. from Steve today.
It is now about 11am -- and soon I go to lunch w/Andrew... then workout... and then maybe shop in Vacaville... maybe not.
AND PACK!!! I need to pack... and will start in a moment!
btw - last night I saw The Whale... really well acted by Brendon Frasier and a mellow story (sad and disturbing and hopeful, too).
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Damage/atonement...
For the many years of estrangement from my family the differences were between me and my parents. They did and didn't do certain things, they thought and didn't think certain things, and they said and didn't say certain things ... Good and Bad. Now they are both gone. Debbie remains as do some other relatives. Only Debbie might really know what was done, thought and said behind the closed doors of their home since she lived with them ... especially in their end days.
As noted elsewhere, I think, I sat down and told Debbie certain things ... with "I" statements and trying not to be accusatory to anyone. Basically I told her I was abused - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was interesting to hear her say she knew nothing of any of that. She didn't see anything at all. And, I know, at least once, I tried to tell her way back in the 20th century and I was totally shut down as she said she didn't want to hear it... So she didn't know as a witness or as someone hearing me tell my story. So - she lived in a world of some innocence but it was the world of our parents (her's, mine) and if we think of things as teams or nations ... I was on one team in one country while she was on her mom's and dad's team in their nation. As I've thought and said ... - she never left home... Her parents left home and left her on her own... to the extent that she didn't have them living in the same house, state, for several years. They left home .. rather than she left home... I always find that interesting!
And now - as the days come to their end... what does she remember about things she actually said and did? Or didn't do? As for me -- I think I did little if anything to hurt her. Probably nothing. Certainly nothing comes to mind except I do regret not trying harder to help her see things for herself... but she did make her decisions for herself. She never visited me by herself and that I deeply feel sorry about - for me and for her. And then there were some things dumped at me... And perhaps she will address them. I will ask her - do you anything you want to share or say to me ... And then I'll see.
Basically - TRUST is the issue - and I do not really trust her to be loving and gentle and kind .. to me. To others -- they get and see what they get and see. ME - I ask for nothing so as to not identify things she can withhold. Essentially I expect nothing...but some grief...
Yes - GRIEF... In my life I have generally felt alone. Without allies. Without family or friends... That perception was often wrong. I did and do have friends... BUT the problem in my family became the basis for a sense I had of being on my own.. alone, having to do things all by myself.
SO - being TRAPPED was a concept I came to as I worked on my anger and tried to understand what brought out anger from me... TODAY, NOW -- I think it was my way of being fierce and personally powerful. I used to say my anger was a way of testing the love of another... HOWEVER - there is another way to see the use of anger... and that is... as a tool to show my power and independence and freedom. AND NOW -- instead of feeling angry I go to/stop at: sadness. Loneliness. Other negative feelings that are hard to sit with and own. It was easier to get angry and by pass the disturbing and bad and negative feelings. NOW IT IS ABOUT TIME TO GET OVER AND BEYOND THAT!!! With this newer understanding - which needs additional conceptualization - I may move on to the end of my days with peace and tranquility and happiness and joy.
Redemption ! Real freedom! Equanimity, perhaps!
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