Earlyish morning - Tuesday. Heard my sister is improving. Great!
I am thinking about trip ... and wondering if, when, and where. Should I get a hotel room? I am thinking yes. Rent a car... maybe. We'll see. And - could consider rescheduling the whole thing for a month later ... Might check w/Cindy or Doctor about that.
I am washing clothes and getting ready to pack. AHHhhhh packing - what a difficult chore... to bring the right amount of the right stuff.
Saw crazy Korean movie last night - Parasite... I am not sure what to make of all the awful unlikeable characters and the horrific ending stuff.
And then there is the reality of what is happening in LA - w/National Guard and Marines being deployed. The use of the Marines is VERY troubling and the use without the Governor's approval of the National Guard is also a problem. See movie: 2073 .... and cry. CRAY HAVOC!
Right now as I think of Debbie and LA I am feeling a weirdness in my gut. I AM ANXIOUS... I am afraid. More than other times -- I feel alone.
(ADDED LATE IN EVENING) I wonder... do I/can I trust all the lovey/dovey stuff Debbie has been spouting? Maybe... but I also feel sure she can get angry ... and be nasty ... to me... I have seen it directed at others who didn't deserve it, were not present, and certainly she could have not done it... And that was something at Mom's shiva... Debbie has, as many of us have, stuff that is from the past and which can get triggered and can unleash the venom she has... SO - lovey/dovely - ok -- but I am ever anxious about what she might say -- triggered or not. She could sa stuff to "finally" get it off her chest, so to speak.... I am very unsure what I have done to her that could be called out but she could take me to task for things my parents might have thought and said, etc... She could repeat some very shitty shit that was said by them... AND SO -- I must protect myself.
AND furthermore -- when I next see Debbie... in a couple of days as the plan is.. it will likely be the last time each of us sees each other... I don't expect to see her again... sadly and truly. I will see how she is when I am there ... but staying til some end... is just so uncertain as to time/date. Doctor says that ... and other people's stories tell that tale.. SO SADLY -- it is likely I will not be there at the very end.
===================================
now... a bit after noon... after visiting and talking w/Rachel...
Ah... the stories I have... the experiences I had... IF only I could get going into something NOW... move forward... TO????
So I consider some sort of retreat... where? I wonder about traveling alone ... again... To Ashland? To Olympic National Park ... to ????
A staycation could work... if I could get working in/on backyard... I just don't think I have the skills, discipline, imagination... WILL!??? Maybe ???!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment