This is written very early on the 8th - actually half past midnight!
To followup CD -- focus?? of my thought(s) on Cognitive Dissonance. First - my feelings are generally in my thinking. In other words - more in my head than in my heart. While that is sad and something to change the point in this moment that I am experiencing thoughts and... feeling that are dissonant in both cases and I have my sister in mind.
She I have been:
distant, not close
cool - not warm...
estranged - or at least subsumed herself with our parents while I kept distant from parents to protect myself and others from stuff. Debbie stayed on the side of mom and dad and as they wouldn't listen and try to hear ... she also didn't listen or try to hear.
AND - she in her own ways and on her own accord was several times nasty. The tallit and the letter AND she didn't come as invited to my second wedding or to a summer vacation.
SO WHAT AM I DOING AND WHY?
As with many things I act as I think a person, in this case a brother, should act. I call, I visit, I care... from a distance. And I think and feel sure that if circumstances were reversed Debbie would NOT visit, etc... so I harbor at least imagined resentment.
I DO like hearing "I love you" and that love is not demanding. She doesn't need my supportive presence as she has lots of people around her so I am not pressured.
My trust in her speaking truth is quite limited and I am anxous as to how to talk with her and what to discuss... AND when I did tell her about some of the abusive experiences I had she asserted she had no idea. I am amazed... must accept her assertion... and can't help but wonder how that is really and truly possible...
SO - so so ...!!!! FOCUS??? What do I feel when I focus on my sister and her terrible illness? I anticipate loss AND I am also feeling and thinking about that was lost. SO - I am thinking and feeling about past loss now and soon it is likely total loss will BE.
LOSS ... all is depressingly lost in time not spent together and time not felt together and time not thought together .... No Real TOGETHERNESS... That is THE RUB! as Shakespeare might put it.
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