Today may have been the beginning of something new between Deanne and I. That is a lot and somewhat due to The Virus. We have been more together in one house here in Davis because of the shelter in place policy brought on by The Virus. That has lead me to be anxious about whether or not Deanne and I can and/or will live together... as man and women, etc. etc.. That is something I have wanted or said I wanted and even said I give up on wanting .. for a long time. I have been frustrated, hopeful, expectant, disappointed, etc, etc.. And I have been saying My Patience has run out. I have not more Patience... And I have talked with ... Deanne might say AT Deanme about this and with a frustrated attitude several times recently. And once again we so talked... yesterday... and we got over/past it a bit... and today even more so. We are talking a bit more civilly and I hope productively. Things may really be changing..
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ... I think... I realized, on my own (as opposed to with my therapist who I did see today)... that when I say, as I have several times.. .in a positive manner - "Deanne -- you drive me crazy" the answer to what that means, since Deanne asked, is... she drives me crazy because I think she loves me... even I know she loves me... and yet I am anxious about that truth.
Yet that truth is truly real... not just in my head. Deanne loves me. She shows it and sometimes even says it or writes it. I would like it said more and then with all the ways she shows me she loves me I would be very satisfied. In the meantime .. I am satisfied in soo many ways. And today I think I got it. I did have a talk with Deanne and I told her I understand she love me... I didn't share the following:
ldn't
1. Mark Twain say: "Love is the irresistable desire to be irrisishartner about that trap. I was trying to break the trap by getting my partner to show me she wouldn't leave in spite of my harshness and anger, etc... HOWEVER --- I didn't realize then and TODAY realize -- all I really wanted was to be shown and told I was loved and foremost in their lives... That may have been true or not true absolutely but I will say it was probably True Enough and I could have been happy, content, etc.. I have learned something after all this time!!!
My anxieties are my downfall. My anxieties about my partner's love for me have lead me to harm and destroy that love. I HOPE I STOP BEING A FOOL... I hope I take this leaning and live this understanding and relax and enjoy and accept and take in the love I get... and give what I can.
And the time and pressure of The Virus has helped me get here....!!! WOW.
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