Friday, June 27, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/27/2025

 A lot of socializing today... A bit a rotary, a walk w/Ava, and Steve plus Aaron and ???

Then I bbq'd a lamb roast for lunch and soon will meet Neal for dinner (Friday night!).

Last night had a pretty pleasant dinner w/Rick at Scabbies on the river near SMF. Neat place and supposedly lively on Friday nights ... if dancing can be my thing!

I'm still exhausted from both the trip and the ongoing dog barking from neighbor. Last night (early this morning) as the dog was still doing its barking past midnight I went next door and asked for some quiet. Maybe that was all it will take. I wait and see tonight. I would have liked to go over there during the day but I have not been thinking of the issue until night time.. Dog doesn't bark duing the day!! What time zone is it living in?

And I listened to the following: Atul Gawande | 2025 Harvard Alumni Day

Very good. Inspiring. Sent to me by Steve. Good for hospice oriented stuff AND for political stuff of these difficult days!

And there is considerations to consider about the Mamdani NYC mayoral primary win this week. Who will be mayor and what will happen relative to anti-semitism and anti-zionism? In an interview w/Stephen Colbert:

“There are many people in New York who don’t want to support you because of the Jewish community’s fear of the true and rising antisemitism,” Colbert said. “They’re very upset by some of the things you’ve said in the past, and they’re afraid that your mayorship would actually lead to increased antisemitism; that they believe that it would be more dangerous for them. What do you say to those New Yorkers who are afraid you wouldn’t be their mayor, that you wouldn’t protect them?”

Mamdani responded with the story of a Jewish friend who felt afraid during synagogue services in the wake of the Hamas attack, which he described as a war crime, and the story of a Jewish resident in Williamsburg who now locks a door he left open for decades.

“Antisemitism is not simply something that we should talk about,” Mamdani said. “It’s something that we have to tackle. We have to make clear there’s no room for it in this city, in this country, in this world.”

Mamdani has practiced the appeal in recent weeks, including in an interview with a Yiddish-language Hasidic newspaper, as his insurgent campaign has closed in on the front-runner, former Gov. Andrew Cuomo.

Mamdani is under fire for declining to recognize Israel specifically as a Jewish state and defending the phrase “globalize the intifada.”

Colbert further pressed Mamdani on how he would reduce tensions between the city’s sizable Jewish and Muslim communities if elected New York’s first Muslim mayor. Mamdani has faced scrutiny for his unapologetically critical views of Israel and his embrace of the movement to boycott the country. Jewish voters, historically a crucial voting bloc in the Democratic primary, have tended to lean more to the right on Israel.

“New Yorkers know how to navigate disagreement,” Mamdani said, sharing another personal anecdote to highlight the shared destiny of both faiths. In 2018, while serving as campaign manager for Jewish state senate candidate Ross Barkan, Mamdani brought him to speak at a mosque in Bay Ridge. After Barkan’s speech, an older Palestinian man approached him and simply said, “Cousins.”

“I think that there is this possibility of building a shared life in our city,” Mamdani said.

Thursday, June 26, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/26/2025 - Why no, why YES!!!??

 As i sit here at services Thursday morning I can't but think... I think we know why people do not attend services... SO - why do people attend? Who are the people who attend? 

answers - NO: - too long, not fulfilling (not enough spirituality or intellectuality or ???), inconvenient times (competes w/soccer, dinner, etc)

YES - ??? - 

for me: a set time for some prayer and consideration of Torah, community...., singing and sounds of group prayer, support others by helping establish minyan, other???

for some: meal/food, male fellowship for Orthodox, community, other??? -- a survey needs to be done... or find some work done on this already.

AND for all: prayer (communicate w/G-d... or with the spirit of ... yourself, humanity, the universe... etc). Sometimes intellectual stimulation with commentaries and sermons...

SO: what is offered and available? Does it meet needs of wants and needs. Picks and choices... each day! Each week... etc.

The SCHOOL is central and something for the young, paid for by parenets, abandoned by most after the time learning.

ESSENTIALLY - when do we ask what people want? When? Where? 

==================================

on other things:

What is UP w/stock market? Why? Nice but ???

Extended United Card -- w/a credit... til 2026....

AND GOOD NEWS... My sister is getting out of the hospital... Steve said she has been there 4 weeks... sounds right. She will go home in the afternoon and then a nurse will come a 8pm and hook her up to IV and then another nurse, he said, will come in the morning, 8am - and unhook her. And then repeat going forward.  There are line clearings needed to be done and other stuff the professionals know how to do... so they need the nurses, etc. Sounds great she is getting home!!! Getting out!

===================================

AND I still want to figure out... finally? -- what do I want? Where do I want to do it? etc..etc...



Wednesday, June 25, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/25/2025 - It's been a while!!!

 I have been traveling... To visit my sister in Florida and then to NYC to have fun and see Amy and some relatives. The fun was under a shadow.

I am back home now. I don't know when I will go to Florida next - but that will happen. 

I am tired. Getting back to time zone ... and routines such as writing here and then piano gets put on next -- tomorrow? I did have a nice workout today - elliptical and upper body weights.

And got to talk w/Ellen and made a plan for Saturday. A concert a The Grove near where she lives. Bell Brothers -- Meet The Bell Brothers, a dynamic duo whose harmonies and songwriting prowess have resonated with audiences for nearly two decades. Comprised of brothers Russ and Scott, this powerhouse team has etched their mark on the musical landscape with a fusion of Country, Rock, and Americana, delivering a sound steeped in passion, musicianship, and gritty authenticity.

Tomorrow I plan to get a haircut ... and do some checking with my banks to re-simplify things. And maybe have lunch or dinner w/Rick. As a thank you and to be in touch.

As for being in touch -- who is Randy - from United Flight... "blessings" etc...?


Tuesday, June 17, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/17/2025

 7:30 am at airport for flight to NY. Who knows if/when I'll return to Florida. Maybe soon.   Maybe after all is done. 

Yesterday was good and then steps back. But morning report from Cindy was positive. Draining and stuff not to bad that came out. 

I'm looking at that book Focusing.   And again. WHAT DO I FEEL????? Am I really so insensitive???? Not feeling what comes my way and not showing/giving my feelings.   Especially positive feelings. I've been hurt and desensitized and not seen or heard.    And my feelings are unclear or scary or negative.    As I say.    OY!!!


2025 Daily - 06/16/2025

 A day late, after . 

Was at hospital all day and talked more with Debbie. Talks ok. . Care expressed in both directions and my limits noted too. DO I FEEL AND WHAT DO I FEEL?

Debbie did a bit better but had a slide back at end of day.   Nausea and the blockage. A nose tube put back in and I started.   What she did do was WALK a few times as well as getting in and out of bed and to the bathroom fairly independently. 

At about 6pm I left, has dinner, has meeting, packed, and got to sleep. 

Oh.   And had a discomforting talk again with a normal Trumper... Ie someone who is not particularly sensitive and who appreciates wealth  yich 

Sunday, June 15, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/15/2025

 This morning.... Sone talk with trumper and the normal crazy adamancy about lies and so stopped talking... I won't talk to someone who won't listen..and who has already fully decided to hold their position. No data will change them. Sad.

Sister is doing better and better. Stronger and eating better and more. Positive!

This afternoon she got to listening to Considering Matthew Shepard.    That I sang in the chorus. I too am listening and enjoying. We did good!!!!!

Today is Father's Day.   AOK.   Heard from daughters. 

That's all folks.    If only all people could be peaceful and loving and caring. Even I could learn to be better.



Saturday, June 14, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/14/2025

 It's 5:30pm.   Ish.  I've been at hospital hanging with Debbie and Steve. Soon Cindy and Arnold will pick me up for dinner, then back to hotel and then essentially repeat tomorrow. Debbie seems better and stronger and I can imagine her getting home Monday or Tuesday.  Today is Sunday. She may try to stay longer but she would like to get home. Issue will be appropriate help when she gets home. At this point she walks to bathroom but doesn't get out of or back in bed or chair. And she only walks short distances and is unsteady.   Today. . But things are get better and each day she eats better, too. Solid food is next on agenda, so to speak 

So that's what's happening. Kind of hopeful and positive. As for the cancer... that's something else. There may not be more treatment in future which means???? Probably not good.

Not any private time with Debbie though yesterday she mentioned there would be. I'm ok with or without private time. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 

Care in this hospital is good. Pretty responsive to Debbie's needs to be moved. Food ok. 

Not much else to say. Cindy just texted she's on the way 


Friday, June 13, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/13/2025

 Got to Florida.  Travels went well. Spent all day in hospital room with Debbie and Steve. .

I'm very tired!!

Arnold picked me up at airport and got me to hotel. Very good of him. Soon Cindy will arrive and will have a lovely sandwich. AOK.

Visit ok. Sitting in hospital room and watching her. She is weak. She's beginning to eat by mouth. . Mush. But keeping it down and slightly moving bowels. So better. She needs to get stronger and walk so she might go home. Still pain. This is a good hospital.  Debbie sleeps a lot. I'm tired and nap too sometimes.

So that's the story. No big talks today and maybe none will happen. I have been thinking.   And feeling .. liberating I hope.   I've begun reading book FOCUS. Interesting. Maybe helpful.   Will see. As always.   I can use help even if I don't ask or effectively ask. 

On another note. . Today a big attack on Iran so that will dominate the news for a while. Dangerous times 

Thursday, June 12, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/12/2025 - trust and also a new system for politics

Who do I trust? Or is it what? IF as is best I trust in G-d... at least when I awake to think about "it" - the question becomes is G-d a who, a what, A WHEN?!

G-d is very often related to time. So then we mortals know good times, bad times, happy times, sad times ... perhaps it is Ecclesisastes which is RIGHT ON.. when it talks about a Time to every Season.

As for NOW.... I just read something to consider acting on now and it is:

“There’s a line from a Hebrew prayer: ‘Our needs are so manifold we dare not declare them.’ Our needs are so vast that we cannot even begin to locate them …
So we all have work to do.”
Leonard Cohen


When I, yes I. speak of trust I speak of my basic psychological need. Trust about love. Trust about being heard. Trust about security. 

AND - can I be trusted? I certainly may have/did fail in that at times... Perhaps I should sit and think about past failures so I do not repeat them!!!!

AND NOW FOR POLITICS....

Some have said that being political is a fundamental human trait and activity. I think it goes way back to the Greeks. Be that as it may -- POLITICS IS FUNDAMENTALLY IMPORTANT... And the political environment is in big big trouble in the USA and all over the world. People in many ways and places are trying to make things better and I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE BASIC PROBLEM IS....

What the basic problem is in the USA as personified... yes PERSONified - is the Trump Scatterbombing of democracy and law and science and racism and corruption and international isolationism and trade and more. Note, however, it is the scatterbombing that is THE PROBLEM. 

The SCATTERBOMBING makes it difficult to work on all the issues and it offers opportunities for fragmenting opposition so as to essentially divide and conquer our nation and the world, too. Some problems such as health and vaccines are distractions and are related to science and they are divisive.  Issues related to the Middle East are a prime example of dividing and conquering as well as being in relation to issues about immigration. 

FOCUS is necessary. Some sort of systematic focusing that addresses the core issues with all due respect. Herein I suggest a system for your consideration:

PRINCIPALS:

First - recognize the essential value and worth for respect of all living human beings.

Second - Consider applying one's energy locally first and foremost 

Thirdly - Always keep in mind the effect of local actions on broader locales such as state, country, planet.

ISSUES:

All people need food, clothing, and shelter and those are ENTITLEMENTS and we can meet those needs, truly!

WORK is both a need and a right and there is plenty of work needing to be done to ensure all have the entitlements noted.

Work correcting CLIMATE activities and structures is necessary and is related to entitlements and the human need to feel really productive.

SHARING in the needs, work, and climate correction by all in a fair manner can be done, in my opinion, without really impoverishing the rich while really uplifting the poor. Essentially - there is enough to go around for everybody and the poor need more and the rich can do with less.

IMAGINE:

A world where policing and war did not cost as much as it does so we can redirect resources to humane needs. DECLARE PEACE!!!!

DETAILS:

What do YOU, rhe reader, think needs doing.... Please keep in mind that certain specific issues should not divide energy and resources so what is important is to consider the living with acceptance, toleration, understanding, and doing one's own thing without interference or prohibitions.

An example to consider is abortion. Some facts vary and there are simple ways to view abortions and there complex ways to view abortions. One can consider non-viable fetus', one can  consider unwanted pregancies, one can consider the health of the mothers, one can consider potential life or actual breathing life, one can consider religous communties, and one can consider individual political freedoms. There is choices one can make in all areas for oneself or choices in this and other areas that others can make for each of us.


Wednesday, June 11, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/11/2025 - damage/atonement - REDEMPTION !!!!

Good day...!!!?? For damage - see end, after line...

Bed delivered.

Got hotel in florida near hospital - as per my thinking and conversation w/Steve

got call from Cindy and she said Arnold will pick me up at airport in Ft. Lauderdale. Very nice!

Made dinner reservations in NYC for 4 - Pam, Amy, Chris, and me... at upscale kosher steakhouse. I might make a second reservation to give us a choice... The first is Tabernacle... and Pam was there recently and it was hearty and good. Another place she has not been to recently but which has a more diverse menu - and french style is: La Brochette Steakhouse. Possible to change to .. BUT plan is better for me to go to Tabernacle after visiting the Whitney in afternoon. Whitney closes at 6pm and walk to restaurant is about 30 minutes.

And then - I will need to remember to cancel one! or both if Florida stay is prolonged.

In fact - my sister is really not doing well. And may not recover - in part or fully. The cancer treatment has stopped and the blockage is not getting a lot better .. a little.. but hospice is coming in to consult and Debbie will see what they have to offer. That is the story .. from Steve today.

It is now about 11am -- and soon I go to lunch w/Andrew... then workout... and then maybe shop in Vacaville... maybe not.

AND PACK!!! I need to pack... and will start in a moment!

btw - last night I saw The Whale... really well acted by Brendon Frasier and a mellow story (sad and disturbing and hopeful, too).

============================

Damage/atonement...

For the many years of estrangement from my family the differences were between me and my parents. They did and didn't do certain things, they thought and didn't think certain things, and they said and didn't say certain things ... Good and Bad. Now they are both gone. Debbie remains as do some other relatives. Only Debbie might really know what was done, thought and said behind the closed doors of their home since she lived with them ... especially in their end days. 

As noted elsewhere, I think, I sat down and told Debbie certain things ... with "I" statements and trying not to be accusatory to anyone. Basically I told her I was abused - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was interesting to hear her say she knew nothing of any of that. She didn't see anything at all. And, I know, at least once, I tried to tell her way back in the 20th century and I was totally shut down as she said she didn't want to hear it... So she didn't know as a witness or as someone hearing me tell my story. So - she lived in a world of some innocence but it was the world of our parents (her's, mine) and if we think of things as teams or nations ... I was on one team in one country while she was on her mom's and dad's team in their nation. As I've thought and said ... - she never left home... Her parents left home and left her on her own... to the extent that she didn't have them living in the same house, state, for several years. They left home .. rather than she left home... I always find that interesting!

And now - as the days come to their end... what does she remember about things she actually said and did? Or didn't do? As for me -- I think I did little if anything to hurt her. Probably nothing. Certainly nothing comes to mind except I do regret not trying harder to help her see things for herself... but she did make her decisions for herself. She never visited me by herself and that I deeply feel sorry about - for me and for her. And then there were some things dumped at me... And perhaps she will address them. I will ask her - do you anything you want to share or say to me ... And then I'll see.

Basically - TRUST is the issue - and I do not really trust her to be loving and gentle and kind .. to me. To others -- they get and see what they get and see. ME - I ask for nothing so as to not identify things she can withhold. Essentially I expect nothing...but some grief...

Yes - GRIEF... In my life I have generally felt alone. Without allies. Without family or friends... That perception was often wrong. I did and do have friends... BUT the problem in my family became the basis for a sense I had of being on my own.. alone, having to do things all by myself.

SO - being TRAPPED was a concept I came to as I worked on my anger and tried to understand what brought out anger from me... TODAY, NOW -- I think it was my way of being fierce and personally powerful. I used to say my anger was a way of testing the love of another... HOWEVER - there is another way to see the use of anger... and that is... as a tool to show my power and independence and freedom. AND NOW -- instead of feeling angry I go to/stop at: sadness. Loneliness. Other negative feelings that are hard to sit with and own. It was easier to get angry and by pass the disturbing and bad and negative feelings. NOW IT IS ABOUT TIME TO GET OVER AND BEYOND THAT!!!  With this newer understanding - which needs additional conceptualization - I may move on to the end of my days with peace and tranquility and happiness and joy.

Redemption ! Real freedom! Equanimity, perhaps!


Tuesday, June 10, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/10/2025

 Earlyish morning - Tuesday. Heard my sister is improving. Great!

I am thinking about trip ... and wondering if, when, and where. Should I get a hotel room? I am thinking yes. Rent a car... maybe. We'll see. And - could consider rescheduling the whole thing for a month later ... Might check w/Cindy or Doctor about that.

I am washing clothes and getting ready to pack. AHHhhhh packing - what a difficult chore... to bring the right amount of the right stuff.

Saw crazy Korean movie last night - Parasite... I am not sure what to make of all the awful unlikeable characters and the horrific ending stuff. 

And then there is the reality of what is happening in LA - w/National Guard and Marines being deployed. The use of the Marines is VERY troubling and the use without the Governor's approval of the National Guard is also a problem. See movie: 2073 .... and cry. CRAY HAVOC!

Right now as I think of Debbie and LA I am feeling a weirdness in my gut. I AM ANXIOUS...  I am afraid.  More than other times -- I feel alone.

(ADDED LATE IN EVENING) I wonder... do I/can I trust all the lovey/dovey stuff Debbie has been spouting? Maybe... but I also feel sure she can get angry ... and be nasty ... to me... I have seen it directed at others who didn't deserve it, were not present, and certainly she could have not done it... And that was something at Mom's shiva...  Debbie has, as many of us have, stuff that is from the past and which can get triggered and can unleash the venom she has... SO - lovey/dovely - ok -- but I am ever anxious about what she might say -- triggered or not. She could sa stuff to "finally" get it off her chest, so to speak.... I am very unsure what I have done to her that could be called out but she could take me to task for things my parents might have thought and said, etc...  She could repeat some very shitty shit that was said by them...  AND SO -- I must protect myself.

AND furthermore -- when I next see Debbie... in a couple of days as the plan is.. it will likely be the last time each of us sees each other... I don't expect to see her again... sadly and truly. I will see how she is when I am there ... but staying til some end... is just so uncertain as to time/date. Doctor says that ... and other people's stories tell that tale..  SO SADLY -- it is likely I will not be there at the very end.

===================================

now... a bit after noon... after visiting and talking w/Rachel...

Ah... the stories I have... the experiences I had... IF only I could get going into something NOW... move forward... TO????

So I consider some sort of retreat... where? I wonder about traveling alone ... again... To Ashland? To Olympic National Park ... to ????

A staycation could work... if I could get working in/on backyard... I just don't think I have the skills, discipline, imagination... WILL!??? Maybe ???!!!!



Monday, June 09, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/9/2025

 well... here i am - in davis --- going to florida and arriving there early friday morning. I am not getting a lot of info from Steve ... but I think things are better.

Worked out today - double elliptical ... and saw Jim. 

I have several movies to watch as per recommendations from Sarah. Yesterday, based on a mention in Alice and Jack -- I watched Seven Beauties... ok... full of violences. 

I expect to go to Anticipated Bereavement ... and may or may not speak... 

THE QUESTIONS

why do I do the things I do?

why do I feel the things I feel?

And then - isn't there cognitive dissonance between the feelings and the actions? And THERE'S THE RUB!

As I felt long ago ... shame, embarrasment, guilt. Even as I continue to not fully understand shame. A definition of shame from Wikipedia's long article titled Shame - and one I think I "like":

"Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."[23] Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person.""

Under the above definition ... and others that talk about privately harboring shameful thoughts and feelings while guilt is more about things said and done in public ... I have sometimes exposed my personal shame and become embarrassed and maybe guilty, too! Public vs Private ...and I generally think being open and public about myself is a good thing since I am not guilty of anything ... On another hand -- I do have regrets relative to things I have done that have been ineffective.. even hurtful to others... and certainly things that did not serve me well in the short or long run! Therefore I question my sociobilities! Do I know how to relate and to whom? When? Where? etc. etc..




Sunday, June 08, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - a bit more me (SUNDAY -lots of time)

 Why do I do the things I do? What is my motivations?

Essentially I rather do what is generally considered right than that which is not or which is odd, unusual. What I did at myfather shiva was odd, unusual compared with most. For my mother -- I was silent at funeral (except for the song) and at shiva - quiet and normal. Now with my sister -- I am the last and I may be silent completely. BECAUSE....

I have resentments. I have regrets. I have angers. All those may be viewed as on me... though in several instances they were responses to behaviours directed at me or behaviours not done... for me. AHHH.... me, me, me... When I write and consider what has happened I could emphasize afronts and things done by others... or not done... OR I can try to express what I FELT at the time... Feelings such as being ignored/abandoned, disrespected (the tallit), certainly misunderstood - not heard... alone, lonely, not actively loved... I have a lot of negatives and while there were positives ... I must wonder how many came from Debbie? I know she followed the lead of others (joined at the mom's and dad's hip, so to speak). She wouldn't hear my complaints - no matter how I phrased them ("I" statements may not always have lead the way early on ... LATER???). And after she did listen to me talk about how I was abused --- it turns out she had not idea or sense or recollection of what I experienced. As I have thought... we got raised by different parents in different spaces...

SO - with resentments and lack of shared history or experiences... as we share "blood" what else is there really ... and so what I am doing and why????

AN ANSWER some might think is ... I look to inherit whatever, whenever... In fact first - I don't need anything. Second - cars and other things might prove burdensome in various ways if they came my way. THIRD -- I can imagine a final SLAP by Debbie and parents.... in text of whatever will, etc. 

SO - I do what I do .. keep it to a minium and maybe - just maybe -- I will never see Debbie alive again. Can I live with that --- of course, yes... There is really nothing I have to say or ask AND anything she might say or do will be whatever it will be...She CONTROLS and that is the primary point!

AND tomorrow - Monday - is a new week and I may or may not initiate a check in ... and I want to stop thinking and feeling about this ending... 

It will be another beginning for me! A lonely beginning. A free begining. A beginning without a lot of time SO - what shall I do? ... where? With whom? How... WHEN!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - (SUNDAY -lots of time)CD - Cognitive Dissonance - big AI answer! AND more about me....



AI Overview

AND CLICK HERE FOR MORE


Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actions. This internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements.

Here's a more detailed explanation:
Definition:
Cognitive dissonance is a state of psychological discomfort or tension that arises when a person has conflicting ideas, beliefs, or behaviors.

Causes:
It can occur when a person's behavior conflicts with their beliefs, when they hold two contradictory beliefs simultaneously, or when they learn new information that contradicts their existing beliefs.

Examples:
A person who believes in animal rights but also eats meat might experience cognitive dissonance. A smoker who knows that smoking is harmful but continues to smoke may also experience this discomfort.

Reduction Strategies:
Individuals may reduce cognitive dissonance by changing their beliefs, changing their behavior, or by finding ways to rationalize or justify their actions to make them seem consistent with their beliefs.

Importance:
Understanding cognitive dissonance can help individuals become more aware of their own biases and how they might be influencing their thoughts and actions. It can also help in decision-making, as it highlights the potential for conflicting beliefs to lead to uncomfortable situations.

==================SO ABOUT ME==================
What is my discomfort? What are my beliefs? What new information has come forward - or perhaps in this case what has come forward is new problems ... for Debbie... as I have my problems, too. Where/what is the conflict within me? About what? What bias' do I hold? Am I putting myself into uncomfortable situations? When visiting Debbie? When listening to her -- since she does dominate conversations.

The video...  accompanying/within the link noted at top says: "The most important point: Minimizing discomfort in the mind can be a great motivator." A major way to minimize discomfort is to rationalize the problematic behaviour in some way. The problematic behaviour I am doing is being nice, supportive, etc to my sister while feeling used and disrespected. She doesn't know who I am nor does she really care except with easy to say words. Peer pressure is offered as an example and my peers generally approve of what I am doing and not doing. Good deeds are those that include calling and visiting ... while I am not doing anything to ask Debbie for her acknowledgement and apology for her actions and inactions. I have not done the following which some have suggested... because I can't or won't take on my sides of the questions, assertions:
=====================================
create a bridge.... clean up -- leave things finished... all those unfinished things...
MODERATE  the forgive parts... 

ok to write... just so I can be heard....
                 

THANKS FOR ALL YOU GAVE ME..

I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME

I FORGIVE YOU

I LOVE YOU...

=================

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation that involves saying "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you". It's a way to heal relationships and oneself

=============================

WHAT DO I WANT????!!!????!!!! While I still may get "it"?

What decisions am I making ... and where is any cognitive dissonance? I WOULD SAY... I AM ACTING IN A WAY FOR A WHILE... THAT IS EASIER FOR ME. DO WHAT SEEMS RIGHT... AND SOON THINGS WILL END AND I WILL NOT NEED TO DO ANYTHING MORE. SIMPLE!

The point is... I am making decisions to minimize my exposure to criticism. I wonder (and can list) other decisions/actions I have taken which perhaps were wrong or at least ineffective or destructive or just not useful to me!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - CD followup (SUNDAY -lots of time)

This is written very early on the 8th - actually half past midnight!

To followup CD -- focus?? of my thought(s) on Cognitive Dissonance. First - my feelings are generally in my thinking. In other words - more in my head than in my heart. While that is sad and something to change the point in this moment that I am experiencing thoughts and... feeling that are dissonant in both cases and I have my sister in mind. 

She I have been:

distant, not close

cool - not warm...

estranged - or at least subsumed herself with our parents while I kept distant from parents to protect myself and others from stuff. Debbie stayed on the side of mom and dad and as they wouldn't listen and try to hear ... she also didn't listen or try to hear.

AND - she in her own ways and on her own accord was several times nasty. The tallit and the letter AND she didn't come as invited to my second wedding or to a summer vacation.

SO WHAT AM I DOING AND WHY?

As with many things I act as I think a person, in this case a brother, should act. I call, I visit, I care... from a distance. And I think and feel sure that if circumstances were reversed Debbie would NOT visit, etc... so I harbor at least imagined resentment.

I DO like hearing "I love you" and that love is not demanding. She doesn't need my supportive presence as she has lots of people around her so I am not pressured.

My trust in her speaking truth is quite limited and I am anxous as to how to talk with her and what to discuss... AND when I did tell her about some of the abusive experiences I had she asserted she had no idea. I am amazed... must accept her assertion... and can't help but wonder how that is really and truly possible... 

SO - so so ...!!!! FOCUS??? What do I feel when I focus on my sister and her terrible illness? I anticipate loss AND I am also feeling and thinking about that was lost. SO - I am thinking and feeling about past loss now and soon it is likely total loss will BE. 

LOSS ... all is depressingly lost in time not spent together and time not felt together and time not thought together .... No Real TOGETHERNESS... That is THE RUB! as Shakespeare might put it.

Saturday, June 07, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/7/2025 - cognitive dissonance

I write this early -- about 8am Saturday morning . MAYBE more later... if not tomorrow is another day..

AHHHHH... the concept for today is cognitive dissonance.

from Google AI - a definition.... 

"Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actionsThis internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements"

Applied to me ... and some issues, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours... - my family is the source of a lot of dissonance! How and if or as I feel is subjected to lots of dissonance. Some ok? Maybe. Dissonance, however, is ever a source of discomfort so the title of the book by Pema Chodron intrigues me and I must read it again soon. The title: Comfortable with uncertainty is applicable to our current political world however HOW DOES IT APPPY TO ME... and to my sister and me? And others and me ... and communities and me? Lots of things to consider!

What changes might I make? Expressions of feelings ... behaviours in community... connections with others....  I HAVE LOTS OF AREAS OF DISCOMFORT...  and therefore uncertainty and anxiety and needs to reconcile, perhaps. Of course what about the others in the "conflicts"? Where are they when it comes to reconciliations and initiating connections? WHY ME FIRST all the time? Or it seems like it is always me initiating connections? I find myself, therefore, the primary guilty party... and I truly have to doubt that!!!!

SR is a prime example! Nothing was really done to her but her judgement of me was clear and absolute and negative and persists. In her case - why would I try to reconcile... since there is nothing for me to address while her unfriendliness and negativity and rigidity are three barriers I don't care to knock my head against.

Others - with whom I have a different history and connection - such as daughters - have been trials and who initiated reconciliations could be seen as shared and for that I feel blessed and grateful. 

And others are quite sure they were in the right .. and I was in the wrong... and for the most part they don't matter. One was intelligent but rigid...

RIGIDITY is significant in my thinking... I have seen myself as flexible to the point of not being clear, certain, disciplined AND sometimes I have found those traits to be good and sometimes not good ... The UNDISCIPLINED part in particular. And my clarity on issues has too often been clear relative to the last thing I read, heard, learned. A bit under-analyzed or something.

And now .. I end writing to dress and head to Walnut Creek.





Friday, June 06, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/6/2025 - Oh Israel...!!! LIBERAL!!!! and antisemitism.

I began writing this a day ahead - and have thought about it more and edited it some today on the 6th and then I've published it here. AND then - it may be the source of other writings elsewhere. Herein are  one or more of THE controversies of my days...

ONE:

A THOUGHT - Creative ...NEW: In the United States we Jews might do well to begin a new movement to add to Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstruction, other... The NEW movement would be called The Liberal Movement. - although this IS a name often associated with Reform. That association is very strong in England although it is currently fading into a movement to be known there as The Progressive Movement.

Perhaps another word instead of Liberal might be found HOWEVER ---- too often and in too many spheres of groupings of people the word "liberal" is considered a negative! Where are the US political liberals? We have conservatives and progressives but to be a liberal is often, it seems to me, a negative/bad thing. I DIFFER!!! Being LIBERAL is (w)right-on! It is definitively inclusive and thoughtful and wondrous. It is modern and it is immediately humane.

The sense of "liberal" might be well described and asserted as a way of being and places to be where all people are accepted and where understanding and acceptance is all on radically solid ground. It is a bit passive and thus differs from those who actively want things to be different - either by going backwards to some sort of utopia or forward to some other kind of utopia. While it has been said (Oscar Wilde) that a map without a land of utopia listed is not worth having as a way to see the world... the reality for most poeple is -WE ARE ALL HERE AND NOW... generally! So many people do not really travel very far from home - either as tourists or emmigants/immigrants. A "liberal" place would be ACCEPTING.. People could come and go. People could return to the past or build a future - of their choosings in an environment which would be curious and wondering and supportive. Yes - support neighbors who leave or new people who arrive. Yes support rituals from the past and spirituality of the present and visions of the future. 

AHHH... LIBERALS!!  For Jews -- no more "wandering" but living in our places in peace with all others. "Others" would be full of wonders rather than sources of anxiety. 

Some details for USA Jewish Liberals... Rabbinical - or better yet a Talmud-based Judaism.

Places for Zionists - this is currently a significant issue! and places for non-Zionists (??? anti-Zionists")

A place for Rabbinic Jews and non-Rabbinic Jews (Karaites) and others... as well as non-deists/atheists who are culturally Jewish.  And?? Messianich Jews?? (wasn't one of the two young people recently killed a Messianic Jews?). AND??? - Jews-for-Jesus???

Places in sanctuaries where men and women can sit together AND where they can sit separately, too.

Places to eat where foods are kosher, kosher style (non-kosher certified meats and other foods), and non-kosher (no pork or shellfish but yes to cheeseburgers and meat not slaughtered by a Shochet).

Hebrew and English (and other vernaculars) used - perhaps simultaneously.

Varieties of music

Various behaviors allowed that might not be accepted in some other movements - such as writing notes and making electical sparks, etc...

Celebrate old and new holidays.

Matrilineal AND Patrilineal descent accepted!

MORE???

=========================

TWO:

All above began as I was thinking about how we Jews can address the issues of the war between Israel and Hamas... or is the war against Gaza or against Gazans or against Palestinians? The way Jews can address what is going on now for almost two years is fraught with severe difficulties relative to humanitarian aspects. It is really difficult, if not wrong, to work towards ethnic cleansing which is different from genocide. What is happening is not genocide and ethnic cleansing need not be happening HOWEVER -- Hamas/Gazans have authorized ethnic cleansing and genocide against Israelies and Jews and so we have a situation of potentially reciprocal mass destruction. And there is the Goliath vs David scenario which in the 1950's was the Arab Goliath vs the Israel David but is now reversed and Israel seems to be the big Goliath and Gazans are the little David. The analogy is not right when we look at the history of that picture and the original Goliath was part of an aggressive nation while Israel both as a little David and a big powerful Davis is fighting a defensive war. 

How do Jews demonstrate? How can we raise banners supporting the defense of Israel when Israel appears to be more powerful? Why are the hostages held by terrorists also holding all Jews hostages to accusations of the response to Hamas being too much! What mathematics allows terrorists to carry on aggressions with relative immunity ... as long as their rockets are ineffective and few Israelis are killed. Before the massacre of Oct. 7th, 2023 - who lived in fear? Gazans were not attacked regularly while rockets, etc ... were rained on Israel daily! It was fear that required Israellis to live with bomb shelters and to to them regularly. The underground tunnels Hamas built were not for defense but were used to mount offensives at Israel. They were not to protect Gazans but there were meant to be bases for aggression. The destruction of those tunnels and the deaths of so many people who live near those tunnels and other infrastructures used for aggression is both necessary to do and hard to look at as destruction is not comfortable to see.

We rather see growth and production and building up. I hope someday Gaza will be able to build and live... And there is the connundrum for all Jews, Israelis, and peoples of the world... How do we stop the destruction and get to the building? 

At the base of the issue is power and hate. When Arabs thought they had the power they attacked Israel. Now when Israel has power Arabs want peace. The HATE persists and I would say it started more on the Arab side but now may be on the Israeli side. At the beginning - Israelis and Jews may have had disrespect for Arabs ... maybe not... but  hate was not included in the hearts of Jews.

NOTE: it is VERY difficult to separate the people known as Israeil from people known as Jews. In some cases the two are absolutely the same and sometimes not however a general, popular, simple view is that Jews and Israelis are one and so anti one is easily anti the other and thus we come to ANTISEMETISM! 

It has not mattered historically if Jews were good or bad or strong or weak or poor or rich -- no matter what Jews were subjected to oppressive laws and feelings everywhere. The most egrisious examples may have been not in the United States but even here there were convenants against Jews living or working or playing or learning in lots of elite places.. Things may seem good, better, the best now -- but not really! Appearances are often deceaving and just as racism is hidden the hate of Jews is hidden, too. Jews may be able to hide themselves from scrutiny more easily then people of color but when "outed" things are as bad for Jews as they are for other "others".

THE PROBLEM for soooooo many is RIGIDITY. The great divides in politics and society is enforced, solidified by the opinions we rigidly hold. Change is difficult! Our opinions and holding to them make us who we are... and give us and others certainties... and certainty and the security that comes with certainty is what makes us COMFORTABLE...    and who doesn't want to be comfortable.

ADDITIONALLY - ???? - no more today, probably... Tomorrow is Shabbat and if I write it will be in the evening after morning services, lunch w/Sarah relative to Father's Day, a drink, and finally a Chorus program in Berkeley at Freight and Salvage... Looking forward to it!!!!

Thursday, June 05, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/5/2025 - and population explosion...

 It is early on this day, the 5th. Later Sarah will be in town and we will have dinner (at Lil Shu) before my chorus concert of: Considering Matthew Shepard ... at Mondavi. Big deal the concert!

Note: Yesterday was a good day and hanging w/Ellen was nice.

In other news/stuff -- My sister my sister.... I wonder. Did not hear anything yesterday. Plans to see her have changed.... shortened and put off a few days - as she requested from her hospital bed where they are clearing a blockage to get her better.

In my garden -- irrigation is better in back. Probably good in front -- I need to set. Hummingbird feeders are attracking hummingbirds! And barbecue grill is working easily.  A lot of THANKS to Nate.

I need to get back into practicing piano and carry on with the writings (stories and two-ways of thinking essays). AND TRAVEL -- where to ???? A road trip is high in my thoughts -- up to Oregon (Shakespear)  and Washington (Olympic National Park) OR - to various state parks since the nationals may be understaffed and closed??!!!

And - workout and/or a walk today? Breakfast ( a sandwich with a walk?)? A second cup of coffee? AND - today's weigh-in was good....maybe next week I can get into the 60's!!!!!

============================================

Today I have already begun writing something for tomorrow... mostly about Israel and antisemitsm ...HOWEVER - a headline inside the NYTimes today noted that Vietnam was ending ITS one-child policy so as to increase its population which is in decline. I WONDER WHY...  Where is the alternatives to bring down the number of people on this planet who are consuming limited resources.... !!!!

In my opinion there will be a limit to the population the planet w/science can support for lives that have a reasonable quality. Yes - Quality of Life issue! In my opinion when that limit is truly reached there will be a catastrophic response such as war, famine, pandemic, etc.. The alternative is to find some way to PEACEFULLY bring the population down. And why can't we?

We can't, I think, because we have systems in place that depend on increasing populations of young people to support older people. Social Security is an/the example. The Social Security system made sense when it was inaugerated as it came into being suddenly and getting work going for lots of people during the depression and having their work go directly into supporting their elders then and later it would support them made a lot of sense ... But the anaugeral reasons and the pressures of longer life spans and less youthful fertility is cause for looking at the issues of taking care of all people's basic needs in a new and different way that is sustainable and planet/climate friendly.

If there were fewer people consuming fewer resources I can only imagine that would be good. Forests might renew themselves. Agricultural fields might renew themsevles. Fewer animals would need feed and stuff. Energy use would be lowered and polution from power plants reduced. Less fresh water needed ... AND IN GENERAL we could fix our various infrastructures. As for the production of durable goods we might turn more of that work over to machines and the general balance between what is produced and consumed could be balanced. With appropriate balance the massive amount of wealth of entrepreneurs would drop since supply and demand would better match and prices could be more reasonable. THE point - why more population to make more... let automation help out. THEN - leasure time becomes available .. and that is a problem since being productive has more meaning than being at leasure and conuming. 

SO - the path to lowering population includes making leasure time productive and having production more done by machines run by a smaller workforce.  REAL PROBLEM QUESTIONS!!!


2025 Daily - 06/4/2025 - day after

 ah... forgot again to write... THIS is a report on yesterday/today -- Took Rachel to Costco after a good workout and then went out w/Ellen in Clayton where we went to Hannah Nicole winery and had a good tasting of pretty good wine! Then had dinner at Il Fornio in Walnut Creek... A very good day!

Tuesday, June 03, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/3/2025 - bookclub, wikipedia, and Zionism, too

 Today - bookclub - All the pretty horses...

And talked about last Thursday's Jewish Heritage Festival in Davis where I did not see any Israeli flags nor colors associated with Israel or Judaism. I personally was there only a short time so I cannot say if there were any visible signs this was a Jewish event except perhaps for some music and some foods.

I just checked Wikipedia for corrections I am trying to introduce to the article: Torah. ALSO I checked the page Zionism -- looking for some history and found some stuff in the first paragraph that was disturbing and not politically correct and in fact slanted and not really correct or to the main point of what is Zionism. More, perhaps, later!

THE QUESTION ABOUT ZIONISM: Is the term Zionism no longer THE term to use? Should another term be found to describe the defense of The State of Israel? A fact: Israel is under constant attack from outside its borders! There seem to be few terrorist attacks coming from within Israel. Most recently Gaza was not ruled by Israel and when it received resources those resources were significantly, if not wholly, used to make war and terrorism. In other words - the sovereign state of Gaza attacked, almost constantly for the 20 years since internal control was turned over to residents,  the State of Israel. Really - for 20 years - there has been a de facto State of Gaza and that state has been waging war against the State of Israel. I and perhaps others will always wonder what would have happened if instead of Gaza using resources for war they had built up an economy in peaceful way? Could Israel have lowered its blocking potential and probable and REAL shipments of hostile agressive armaments and other supplies?

There are people who are not Zionists who support the State of Israel. What might we call them? IF/when we call them Jews we invite the blurring of the lines between anti-Israel and anti-semitism. 

Monday, June 02, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/2/2025 - movies/binged tv

 It is 9pm... And this is a report/list of stuff I've seen on MAX/HBO...

Started because I choose not to rent the first movie listed but take a month of MAX...

The Brutalist

Station 11

2073

Flow

Another Earth....

a couple of Avenue 5 episodes - not sure I will continue. Might

AND I've been watching on Prime:

Haven

Bosch Legacy

A little Norther Exposure...

WEIRD STUFF -- a lot of end of world stuff. NOW, after Another Earth - do I feel a bit better? A bit on the other side of depressing stuff such as my sister's condition, democracy, etc etc... MAYBE!


Sunday, June 01, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/1/2025 - remembered!

Ahhhh... here I am -- it is 8:30am. Texted w/sister, talked w/Steve ... Hospital stay seems to be getting Debbie better since they have found a blockage and getting it cleared. Very tough!!! And for me sad and depressing in its reality. Soon I will be more alone - again?! 

Do miracles happen? ONLY after the fact do we know if something out of the ordinary really has happened and until then - can't know.

Last night ... finished bing watching (something I really don't do) - "Station 11" a mostly sad, depressing vision of the near future after a massively destructive pandemic which I think got a start, according to a momentary reference in the show to a flu what would eliminate famine... which the/a pandemic can do! It was on my current subsciption to HBO/Max which I got so I could watch The Brutalist. The show Stations 11 moves around into time periods and is sometimes confusing. Ultitately I guess it ends with hope... or at least a future for most protagonists.

Later today - a workout, a concert w/Davis Chorale, some rehearsing, a Shavuot party... but NOW: off to fill the hummingbird feeders.

Maybe more later...

And now it is later...Concert went well. I didn't go to Shavuot thing... felt under a cloud and socializing was not likely to be comfortable... for me or others.

BBQ'd some veggies and steaks... will have beef for a couple of days - I can add to salad.

Hummingbirds looking happy... have found the re-filled feeders. Several seem to know about this location. 

Watched some more on Max -- a movie - 2073 which was more a documentary about today - in the way An Inconvenient Truth as a documentary and the space comedy... Avenue 5... Which was ok... I need to watch a bit more... Lots of annoying characters. The other day watched Mickey 17 -- very strange!!!