And now -- June 1, 2020 - Restart

I feel and hope - TODAY will be the day i restart my writing on a regular, maybe daily, basis! I was doing that, almost, before The Event. I am not mostly better, maybe even better! and I miss writing even though it essentially entails SITTING.

"The Event" was my pulmonary embolism which caused me to pass out and taken to the emergency room by ambulance where I was transferred to the ICU for a couple of days, then to a regular room, then after getting tested for COVID-19 to their ward to COVID-19 patients in case I had The Virus, and then discharged and to my shelter in place place - and where I was having breathing trouble for about a week until something changed I began a little walking then more walking and now I walk everyday for over three miles (even on a short walk day) and finally took a day off working on Saturday, Shabbat, which is how I like to do things... workout 5-6 days a week and not on Shabbat.

SO - a return to normalcy with some health/medical caveats.. I still have health issues. Those health issues are diabetes, a heart flutter, obesity, and possibilities of kidney stones recurring. For the diabetes and obesity I am taking sugar-meds and testing my sugar daily and I am really watching my eating, measuring my portions and I am losing weight. For the heart flutter I am considering and probably will do a heart ablation which I understand is a burning of something in the heart and a resetting of the heart beat to stop the flutter and this is the gold-standard permanent solution (as opposed to simply using 'paddles" to reset the heart beat).  I also have tests, mostly various scans, to check inside for progress. I am now on Eliquis for life and I continue to take my other prescribed medications for diabetes and for blood pressure, too.

I am a very lucky fortunate person. First, I have good medical insurance. Second, The Event essentially took place in my doctor's office. Third I have was found passed out. Fourth I have a great and caring doctor. Fifth I have a wonderful and caring and loving partner. Sixth, and this one is not really number six but is really higher up and radically basic to me - I have two wonderful daughters who care and support me and do what they can for me. Also I have many friends who care and have been checking in and I feel generally supported and loved. Our time includes being lead from Washington, D. C. by a President who doesn't know what is means to be a unifying, compassionate, honest, and service-oriented President in a democratic and diverse nation. Further afield from my home in Davis, CA there is terrorism and political upheavals in so many parts of the world including anti-semitism and anti-Israel forces blaming Jews for things we did not do. There is also similar blame being layed on Chinese. There is "fake-news", poor reporting, people who are anti-science, etc. I don't even know what more to list or what the names are of the general demise of centrist consensus on an array of issues we really all can agree on. Too many people really be able to share a set of values and certain single issues should not be made priorities to shake apart a worthy CENTER.

And so - there is me and there is the world around me and dare I also say there is the world beyond this world and that include the Moon, Mars, Space as well as the spiritual realms. There is A LOT to know, study, experience, live. The attitude I and you and all of us bring to each moment, day, time of our lives is most important as we are in each new moment. Crying is something. Smiling is something. Being sad or being happy are feelings we can have some ability to choose. YES it is sad to be hungry and oppressed and hurting for ourselves and others for the deprivations we experience and others experience. And YES it is possible to not care and be glib. It is also possible, I think and hope, to do what can be done where we are to help ourselves and others and at the end of such a day find enough energy to be happy for what good we have done.

I personally have been on the sidelines and can attribute this position to COVID-19, my being a member of an at-risk population, and The Event I experienced, too. HOWEVER -- tomorrow I will do some work at the local Food Bank I hope that goes in such a way I can continue to do something there going forward. Food is so basic. Will I give blood, too... Yes as they will take something even as I am on blood thinners.

Times change. I have changed. What I call The Event seems like a major WAKE-UP call for me and I feel awake and energized to be better, healthier, more.

Onto Tomorrow.

Why so long???

I have wondered and wonder again... why do I take so long "getting it". By "getting it" I mean understanding some basic things and accepting and doing what makes sense... NOW. 

Lots of people grow up and become adults after some kind of childhood and they live their lives with consistency and success based on their past and their education and the models of behaviors and ways of analyzing and making decisions. Their lives appear successful and they appear happy, content, and FINE.

As for me -- well - I didn't get a lot of things for a long time. I can list some of those things but TODAY.... May 9, 2020 ... I write after what I call The Event. 

"The Event" was the explosion in my body of Pulmonary Embolisms beginning with Deep Vein Thrombosis in my left calf. The Event could have been the end of me. It could have exploded while I was driving or just sleeping in bed and I might have died and even killed others in an accident.

However -- I WAS LUCKY... Everyone tells me I was lucky. Some talk about a guardian angel. I say -- THANK YOU... Thank you all who helped by finding me, caring for me, and doctoring me in the ER and hospital and now at home. THANK YOU!!!!

So - I now have a second chance in life. This was A WAKE UP CALL and I am doing what I can to honor this new lease on life. 

This writing and other writings (in draft and in my mind) will be done as they are thoughts I hope worth sharing.

I am eating better. I am getting help from my partner Deanne who knows foods and knows me and is very, very supportive and loving. 

I am getting back into walking and other exercise. 

AND I going to get through the thoughts about WHY it took me so long to be and get better. I have been overweight. I have eaten quantities of food I didn't have to eat. I like all kinds of foods and plan to eat all kinds of foods - in moderation. With portions controlled by my brain and not my stomach or difficult emotions or whatever. I will control myself!

I will always wonder -- why has it taken so long. I hope it is not too late to get it all better. I hope for the best. 

I also hope to get other things in my life right/better ... sooner rather then later while knowing ALL IN ITS OWN/PROPER TIME. can come any sooner then its own time. Time is of the essence and NOW is JUST FINE.

No regrets. Lots of wonder. And the instruction to others -- do it/whatever NOW.... Waiting is ok and waiting is under your control. DO IT NOW.

So - I don't know why it takes ME so long. Does anyone know what time comes and goes and is used or abused by themselves? Self-awareness is cool... and using that awareness to motivate actions is most cool... by which I mean -- most important and effective and personal and a matter of ok-self-control.

Don't waste time. Don't let others waste your time. TIME, TIME, TIME... and NOW IS WHAT IS AND WHAT WILL BE AND ITS OK ABOUT THE PAST ... AND THE PRESENT IS HERE.

Day ???? - it is Monday eve -- May 4, 2020 - after HOSPITAL, etc..

S0 - below is two to Facebook explaining where I've been and why and where I am ... which is an OK place... It seems I am mending.. so the first of the two posts is the mending post and the second is the STORY....

And maybe tomorrow - back to regular writing... Today I walked about 3/4 of a mile... easy peasy... Soo - tomorrow should be better, etc...

-------------------------------------
ONE from Sunday, May 3rd.....

Today is one week since leaving HOSPITAL.I just took a little nice walk. Felt GOOD.. Tomorrow - around the block and more, maybe. I know this is not a 26 mile marathon but for me and my condition (bunches of pulmonary embolisms) this is BIG. I walked by myself, with not great foot gear and needing to make a rest stop from the get-go. With those two points and not wanting to push to much first time out I went about a block distance and it was GREAT! Got home, not winded, not tired... Just Fine

==================================

TWO - from Thursday, April 29, 2020

After being fairly consistent writing several blogs (one on The Omer spiritually and one a personal daily Virus Diary and another an essay area --- either/or, essentially) I went off the air, so to speak, last Thursday morning, April 23rd, 2020. I could have written Sunday the 26th of April but it has really taken me awhile to get back FROM MY STAY to everything since RETURNING HOME FROM HOSPITAL. 

That is where I was and now I am back home w/Deanne, sheltering in place.

What happened was - I had, for several days before that Thursday, a pain in my left calf. I thought it was an unresolved muscle cramp but as the days went by I wondered if there was a blood clot and if it was clot could it move to the heart, brain, or lungs and cause serious problems. So I communicated with my doctor who made a special point of seeing me that morning (thank you!) so he could then have me get an ultrasound that day. So, I left his office on the 2nd floor of the clinic with the referral and as I walked down the hallway towards the staircase and elevator I began to feel very lightheaded and dizzy. When I got near the stairs and elevator I looked for some seating but there was none so I held on to a banister near the elevator. I pressed the button for the elevator, the doors opened immediately, I saw a blue floor of the elevator and then the next thing I remember I am on the floor being tended by EMT’s, my doctor, and several other people (nurses?. I had passed out and when someone saw me on the ground rushed to get my doctor and help. THANKS! I later learned that the time between passing out and when I saw the EMT’s I was breathing and somewhat responsive and apparently had a couple of EKG’s done until the EMT’s arrived. Now I begin remembering some things such as am I hurt? I was asked and I remember saying I was not feeling hurt or bruised though I had bit my lip and blood from that was on my ear. It became a question of where to go and how. Should I drive myself? Should the ambulance take me to Sutter Davis or Sacramento. The decision was to go to Sutter Davis by ambulance as it was closer and I was not in good shape! In fact when I was put on the gurney and was in the elevator my heart and breathing stopped for a while as my doctor was holding my hand and he was about to bring on the “paddles”... but then I revived…. So getting to the nearest ER was important!

Off to Sutter Davis ER where I got tests such as ultrasound, CT, and X-ray. I was given very good care at all levels of Sutter Davis. I was admitted to the ICU where I spent the rest of the day Thursday and Friday until I was moved to a less intensive area on Saturday. 

Yes - the pain in my leg was a blood clot/embolism…. And it moved and got into my lungs so I am suffering from Pulmonary Embolisms - also known as PE.

The question the docs have is was this a provoked or unprovoked event, their terminology. Provoked includes:

You recently were on a long airplane trip and you were seated and stationary and clots can form. Though not absolutely immediately before this event I traveled in December to Hawaii, in January to NYC, and in late February to Belize. Those could be counted.

Or:

You have suddenly become more sedentary. I have been sitting more as I shelter in place and do not have access to my gym. I have walked and done some stomach crunches and a little stretching but I think there has been a difference.

And:

I am overweight and diabetic which are risk factors…

SO ? Provoked or Unprovoked… the answer is important relative to how long I stay on blood thinner (in hospital I was on a heparin drip and now at home I am taking Eliquis). Will it be 3-6 months or for the rest of my life? At this point my doctor is calling it Unprovoked so I will be using Eliquis for the rest of my life. 

That is the basic story! I am back home with Deanne where we have been sheltering in place at her house for a while. My daughters have been extraordinarily concerned and caring and supportive. Sarah has offered to come to Davis for a while to help. Amy has monitored and asked questions at a couple of phone calls with doctors. Deanne has been wonderful and caring and supportive and she and I have most everything covered at this time. We will see how the future unfolds.

I am weak from being breathless. It is like when I carry a large weight up stairs. I tire easily. I DO feel basically well otherwise.

This was, I am thinking, my wake up call to better health. I was lucky to have had the event when and where I did. I could have been on the highway going to the ultrasound. AND I am very fortunate to have the care and prayers and help and supportive messages, texts, and calls from friends and family. Very heartwarming.

My future plans are to lose weight so to be non or less diabetic and get back being active (I have missed the gym this whole time of sheltering in place and I look forward to getting back to a gym and the social energy there). In the short term more fresh air and walking would be nice. This is THE WAKE UP CALL… and I hear it! Good Morning!

The Virus - Day 38 - Thursday

YOU do know ... the day count is when I started this. The whole thing has been going on longer. Just an FYI...

Today news tells us of more efforts and steps being taken to open things up again... To return to "normal" and then there are comments by people who way it will be a NEW NORMAL. I hope so and I hope it is a "new normal" where the best values and ways and means are implemented.

What would be better then the old? What is really new and improved and better?

• Health care seems to be one area along with better "just in case" preparation. We have been living in a "just in time" world and that has not and in many cases will not serve us well. "Just in time" sounds good .. and in fashion.. ok... but not in areas such as health and welfare.
• What other kinds of WELFARE changes? Schools and the ability to educate in a variety of ways to a variety of populations. Better internet access to all so that those living far from the best teachers can get some access and, when disasters such as this Virus strike, education can continue.
• Financial security and equity needs to be addressed and fixed. Too much disparities in apparent access and care to all kinds of resources and sanctuaries.
• More community togetherness in cooperation and collaboration. Help each other. Do for others. Protect and support and sacrifice for all.
• Climate change has been positively effected by this drop in usage of carbon based fuels. CARRY ON! Move on to renewables.

So. .. that are some issues.  Others?

see for #36 herein, too - on WEDNESDAY... Day 37 - yes - THIRTY SEVEN....!!

37, thirty seven... a special number. A favorite number... Of many!??

I wrote the following on another blog .. but I like it soo much - here it is here:

"MY COMMITMENT: Commit to a more sane world for all. For safety, food, clothing, shelter, and health for all. On a planet we can call Mother Earth and in a universe looked over by a Creative Father. Do right by our Mother and our Father will do right with Mother. Male and Female together engendering all varieties of peoples in all places.... thriving as per location and cultures.

RADICAL MIDDLE... I am in the middle with my maleness and femaleness. I really can't distinguish between my maleness and femaleness without judging one or the other and judgment is not the point... The point is -- I am multi-faceted... and I believe we all are multi-faceted and that variety, diversity, plurality... is what makes humanity great. I commit to cherishing all. "

Also put out on Facebook...

And while I cannot always say what is great about the Number Thirty Seven -- I can say the Number Thirty Six is a great number.. the Hebrew number is Lamed Vov... and there are people (men... and today women, too???) who are called Lamed ///////vavniks. The Hidden Righteous Ones - Tzadikim Nistarim.

From Wikipedia:

"The source is the Talmud itself, explained as follows:

As a mystical concept, the number 36 is even more intriguing. It is said that at all times there are 36 special people in the world, and that were it not for them, all of them, if even one of them was missing, the world would come to an end. The two Hebrew letters for 36 are the lamed, which is 30, and the vav, which is 6. Therefore, these 36 are referred to as the Lamed-Vav Tzadikim. This widely-held belief, this most unusual Jewish concept is based on a Talmudic statement to the effect that in every generation 36 righteous "greet the Shekhinah", the Divine Presence (Tractate Sanhedrin 97b; Tractate Sukkah 45b).^[1]"

SO -- let us live and be well and strive for personal goodness and righteousness as who knows who he/she really and fully is? It could be anyone... any of us... and besides -- The Lamed-Vav Tzadikim can surely use all they help and support they can get! it IS a big world with lots of people and suffering and resources and possibilities. BLESSINGS TO ALL.

What do i want?

So -- THE Question I need to ask myself when I think about calling folks.. such as my parents -- what do I want? What do I think will result from the call? Something new? Something different? Something good? OR - same old, same old....

MOSTLY the answer certainly is - same old same old... Nothing new. Nothing different and nothing good.

I am constantly battling my urges to ... go to that old dry well OR I am expecting a different result THIS time even as I/we do the same thing - and that is the way to madness. It is one of the defining characteristics of insanity some say.... "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." This would certainly apply to scientists... and to other rationalists. Irrationalists might believe in MIRACLES... And there may be miracles ??? Somewhere and sometime. For those people and situations who are very special, different, extraordinary. Miracles are absolutely NOT THE NORM... And I am rather normal, hopefully not insane and SO... I need to not do certain things....!!

I am getting much better at that! Hurrah!

Besides --  in some situations I am not sure I want anything ... really... SO why do something where no results I desired and where danger lies? No reason. That would be crazy, too.

Anger and reconciliation

IF reconciliation is a hope - don't harbor anger in yourself. It will not serve you well now or later.

I really don't recall or know how many times I have written about anger and sadness ... and reconciliation. Yes - SADNESS...

Sadness is a primary emotion along with frustration and distrust - if those are emotions - leading us to be angry. It is said anger is useful, important, and sometimes necessary. I am not here to argue that.

I am here to ADD A POINT about anger relative to reconciliation. For some people and situations it is hoped that reconciliation will occur where there has been a break in a relationship. Breaks often leave people sad and lost and frustrated and out of control and who knows what else... My point is - ANGER DOES NOT SERVE THE HOPE FOR RECONCILIATION.

I think, in fact, the more anger the less possible will be a good reconciliation. I think when some kind of reconciliation may occur the old anger will present itself in various ways... Snide comments. Off-hand recollections of things lost with anger having been the response. Anger is outward directed and once a person has some contact with the "other" even with reconciliation in mind - isn't it likely the anger will want some expression?  I imagine so and anger is hurtful.

SADNESS is different and may or may not be brought into a time of reconciliation. Why bring forward sadness and be sad again. Sadness is inner-directed and can lead to suffering but as they say pain is real, suffering is optional. Sadness happens. Suffering can be avoided after some time, short or long. When the pain is no longer being inflicted a person need not feel hurt and sad.

Anger seems different. Anger is said;

“Buddha quote: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."”
OR 
Buddha also said;
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned".

These seem true. Someone else may get hurt, too, but if reconciliation is the hope... is it wise to hurt the other?

SO - bottom line -- IF reconciliation is a hope - don't harbor anger in yourself. It will not serve you well now or later.

The Virus - Day 34 - Sunday, April 19th, 2020

Here I am .. .Sunday morning. I've looked at the Davis Enterprise. There are enforcement requests by citizens for the police to enforce social distancing. Young folks on these nice spring days want to play basketball, etc... It is hard to keep folks in. Also there was a report in the paper about our first Virus case and how she was treated, diagnosed, released, etc... It was early.... and the system didn't know how to do things AND there was misinformation published about who the person was (an elderly women with underlying health conditions was the description of  a 58 year old fit athletic professional) so things have had to get better!!!

Today looks like another lovely day in California which means many people will want to be out and about exercising and playing so .. .enforcement?!!

ARE WE A COMMUNITY... and where are the boundaries of community? Is it our city? Our county? Our state... Our nation? The news is talking about protests since the impact is not seen nor felt by many... and it seems to us who are fine sheltering-in-place that those who want to end this shut-down and wrong, etc.. HOWEVER -- who IS ok with sheltering in place and who is not? Retirees with a nice pension .. fine. Workers still working ... fine. As long as they can work safely. In other words - those not fully effected by The Virus... which leaves a whole lot of people starting with people out of work and the homeless, then - or maybe first... the health care workers especially in the earliest days when they didn't know what was about to happen and what they needed to do - while now they still need appropriate resources.... then - kids out of school or adjusting to online school, stay-at-home parents who have to stay inside more then ususal, AND ???

THERE ARE A LOT OF POINTS OF VIEWS...  And we see States-rights in conflict with Federal-control. There has been, is, and will be competition between states and regions and that is going to be unfortunate and unnecessary. Unfortunate when safe, recovering, recovered regions could help other places and unnecessary if there was proper coordination on a national and even international level.

Cooperation and community VS competition and selfishness (or self-centeredness or ???). There will come a time when our scary leader will criticize those places continuing to try to control by various levels of quarantines  those areas that open up and for a while may not be suffering. There will be bad information, gaps in time between opening and new outbreaks, and people will die who need not have died. And rarely will the dead include the wealthy and privileged.... even as poor and middle class folks fuel pre-mature openings of our economy, etc. ALL In My Humble Opinion....

I have generally not been a RISK-TAKER... and I am a self-declared RISK-AVERSE PERSON...  and I hope to stay safe and also help others - close to me and strangers, too.

Today's Davis Enterprise (Davis, CA) and last night's MSNBC music program supporting efforts to combat The Virus especially by heroic health care workers who are now stressed and possibly burning out... The program organized by Lady Gaga titled: "One World: Together At Home" (if the link to the left doesn't work - try searching the name on YouTube and another full copy may come up OR individual scenes will be found) was beautiful and meaningful and motivational. All together wonderful and hopeful, I HOPE. I think the concert was good and positive. Real and serious. A blessing. THANKS!!!!

------maybe more later------------

The Virus - Day 33 - Saturday, night

SO... The Virus continues and some of my energies may be applied to giving more help.. after a talk w/some criticism (I seemed too detached) from Sarah and the Concert tonight on MSNBC...

SO

• I have made some calls to people and more calls can be made.
• I have given platelets (blood help) and plan to give more.
• I have some work definitively scheduled w/the Food Bank
• I have put in for more work with the Food Bank.. and we will see if that is a go.
• There is the Rotary health aid thing to look for ... I signed up, I think, but have not heard back. Maybe I need to check-in somewhere
• AND I have been doing the right things... as prescribed by the knowledgeable public health people... which IS something.

Today was a red-letter day - Deanne's BBQ got used for the first time and the chicken came out wonderfully.

Tomorrow -- I/we will put together the shelving thing for "my" bathroom. I was too tired to work on it today (and is WAS shabbat).

I was talking about minyans at services and discovered that some people (Susan R...) are very uncommitted to requiring the TEN person minimum than me. Strange, true, interesting... and not something I agree with nor accept. Without certain things - such as The Minyan - would we still be Jews? What about a Bris? What about ???? - WELL clearly I have let things go such as kashrut. I do try to observe Shabbat and many aspects of other holidays. Interesting what doesn't hold importance for some people.

AH... the Minyan -- I have run across several YouTube parodies/music things about The Minyan.. and there is the Northern Exposure episode (Season 4, Episode 22 - Kaddish, for Uncle Manny). And then - the Pam issue (a women saying Kaddish for her father is not sufficient...!)

These days of The Virus gives time for more conversations about more things then usual. Interesting stuff. AND - Kaddish is an important issue at this time with so many people dying.

The Virus - Day 32

Friday morning w/Rotary. People still giving happy bucks... and I gave some for platelets donation with NutterButter cookies!

The day will include a walk, a therapy session... PIZZA!!!, and dinner w/with fresh challah. NICE...

The pizza is apre-Passover food. Back to bread stuff. Relative to eating pizza today -- it is not about 9am and I have not had anything to eat. I will try not eating until "lunch"... early as possible. I am thinking of either the Stuffed Chicago from Papa Murphy's or if they have it today - a pair of $5.99 pizza's which I will combine and make my own less expensive stuffed pizza. DONE... for 11am -- one pepperoni and one sausage -- to be combined!!! If this works as expected - will be awsome.

I find that writing in the morning... better then at end of day... I think.

BTW -- NYTimes has n come three days in a row. YEA!

Soon -- cleanup/putback of passover dishes and silverware. THEN -- maintain, clean, etc... AOK...

Deanne is fine though we need to check in and talk about each other and her daughter (she found out yesterday Eliana graduated last June... no one told her! Anger and sadness!). I need to get a copy of my Anger book to peruse and share, perhaps.. Several meditations to share such as:

By: Thich Nhat Hanh - from book; Anger

one:
Seeing the roots of anger in wrong perceptions and ignorance - I breathe in.
Smiling to my wrong perceptions and ignorance - I breathe out.

two:
Seeing myself burned by the fire of anger - I breathe in.
Feeling compassion for myself burning with anger - I breathe out.

three:
Contemplating the damage from anger to self and others - I breathe in.
Seeing that anger burns and destroys happiness - I breathe out.

THERE are more meditations of various sorts. The Meta (lovingkindness) Meditations are very good, too.

==========maybe more later... ==============

And now???

The Virus - Day 31 -- end of day ... 4/16/2020 - Thursday

Yes... it is the end of the day. I have been walking and meeting w/some people. I had some phone conversation), too. All in all a good day with some connecting. Syma, too. My daughter Sarah... and she I will have cocktails tomorrow afternoon on Whatsapp. Stuff to look forward to... And as Steve said about himself -- he is fine sheltering-in-place as it gives him the time he seeks to do the reading and exercise and seeking he likes a lot. ME TOO... Though I would like access to a gym!

That is all for now... BTW -- I love Deanne! She is very good to me. And she is just very good. And I wish things could be better for her in those areas where things are not so good. I wish I could fix things... and therein lies madness... for me and for her... SO -- I will try to just be here.

The Virus - Day 30

Woke up ... singing??!!!
Songs like - Day Oh by Harry Belafonte...and others by him I know. I need to compile some lyrics of his songs...
Had breakfast... last of the "special" matzo and some other stale matzto... in my matzo brei.. w/cheese. Onto other uses for matzo... or matzah as I usually spell it. Depends on the box and brand.

Good looking day out there. Thought I have is to walk to blood source for platelets donation. It is listed as 32 minutes on google. I would allow for 45-50 minutes as I stroll - I will let you/this know later.

Finally got the NY Times delivered to Deanne's address. Missed yesterday's Science section. Times has obits... as usual... but has added special section for about a half-dozen selected Virus victims included today was a 22 year old new father and an 89 year old Rabbi. Also there were a slew of interesting tweet-type posts from China honoring Dr. Li Wenliang who first alerted the world of The Virus. Poignant stuff. Sad and hopeful and just messages, too.

Last night... as I was getting into bed and talking w/Deanne - I had to leave and go read in the other room since I couldn't bear hearing her reports from the news on her phone of all the idiots and stuff related to The Virus. It was on top of the days shit about it... and the sad/tense book I'm reading - The Goldfinch by Donna Taart. I am mid-way through that book and the young man, Theo, has just returned to NYC after the death of his in-debt gambling father who seemed to be a committed deadbeat. Two things -- one - too much sadness/tension for me... and two - not in bed at the end of the day, please, when we need to rest and process via dreams. We already have enough difficulties getting good sleep and rest. When I returned later I went to sleep pretty well. Awoke this morning -- singing.

So.. it is about 8:30am and the day will include a walk (maybe to blood bank), platelets donation at the blood bank (as long as pressure is ok, emails to local JHS and HS's about Rotary scholarship. That's all on calendar. After emails I will read, watch tv (last of free available Inspector Morse, other) and some telephone calls/or zooms. Also may stop at Breton for a few things. (did I bring a lock for bicycle which is now at Deanne's?)

More later --- ===============================

The Virus - Day 29

Another day... a good day... Talked with some folks (Sheera, Rich Halen, Michael and Valerie).
A short walk.... very windy.
Watched some Inspector Morse...  I have one more free-bee...
Went to my house and picked up a few things (onions, shirts, chocolate, spices...)
A quiet day... and now I will do a few things for Deanne relative to the masks...
Then sleep.,,, dreams... rest... I am tired... That has a little to do with the pumpkin kahlua I had in the middle of the afternoon... modeling the behavior of Inspector Morse.

The Virus Day 28 - Monday

Monday was yesterday... it was a good day. Legacy writing (see) and then NYC Torah study - which was rather interesting. Rabbi Jo has lots of information about Christianity!
Evening meal nice... evening soft hanging out .. nice.
Had a nice walk .. listened to a podcast -- milgram experiment about how can a person cause pain to another ... for some reason... And how can a researcher allow it... !!??? Related to why Germans did such horrible things on orders... Bottom line - people are more likely to say yes... and people like to be told what to do... and saying NO is difficult. Resistance is hard. As the Borg said -- Resistance is Futile...  Really? Maybe! Unless you are brave and confident and FREE.... Free in spirit and mind.

The Virus - Day 27

Well... it continues... the shelter-in-place with reasonably good results. Some flattening happening and so hospitals may be able to keep up with the enormous demands. Very tough on medical personnel who are surprised at the risks they are facing. Time magazine had a cover emphasizing the feelings of being drafted into this war.....

On other fronts.. did not take a walk today nor did I stretch... but aok... Went to my house and picked up some stuff and brought back some stuff. Things getting more comfortable, normal?, standard, routine... here. I think and hope;

EVERYTHING IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.....!!!!

Watched the first Inspector Morse... and two more from first season to see, soon. THEN???

Might BBQ here tomorrow at Deanne's... Outdoor kitchen may be done... or at least functioning.

Since I ma three glasses of wine in... and it is late.. BYE...

The Virus - Day 26

Today is Saturday.... nice day. Went to services online in Davis, left early, went to Walnut Creek services, online, with Deanne... AOK.... Next I will be in/online in Davis as gabbai for a bnai mitzvah... first at CBH since The Virus shutdown/shutout... Should be fine.

Had a nice walk... nice day - sunny, warm, no breeze at time of walk. Deanne on an errand to deliver some of her mask... Later - "cocktails" with NY Susan and Amy. Stuff and stuff... They are back in The City... for a while.


Dinner - light after the cocktail snacks. Reading (The Goldfinch) outside in back of house. NICE...

The first couple of episodes of Inspector Morse on Prime for a while. I'm happy.

That is all for now. Til tomorrow...

The Virus - Day 25, Friday, April 10, 2020

It is bright (well  still dark) and early (yes - 3:21am) Friday morning as I write this. I slept for a while and then since I could... I have awoken to come do some writing. A moment ago I did days 23 and 24 with the Passover script I used for the 2nd night of Passover.

SO - it is the beginning of the 1st day of the counting of the Omer... See my blogging of the Omer is at an old barely used blog called Do Teshuvah. which I hope to keep up for the next seven weeks with its spiritual practice. MAYBE this year I will be DISCIPLINED!!!

Also - I have a blog called: "Think about it..or forget about it" where I discuss dueling ideas. I hope to now, in this New Year, write regularly!

So - there are three new years on the Jewish calendar. Rosh Hashannah is best know as a New Year and memorializes the Birth of the World. We have a new year for Trees -- L'ag B'Omer. And Passover is the new year .. the first month of the calendar... the beginning of spring and the renewal of life.

I hope I will do the writings in at least the two blogs noted about as well as this blog.

Maybe more later today..........--------------------------------

The Virus - Days 23 and 24

Actually writing this very early on Friday, the 25th day... at about 3:15am....

These days - Wednesday and Thursday... the 23rd and 24th day of these notes about The Virus were spent doing preparations for Passover. Cooking and setting a script were things I did. I made my persian style charoset. It came out ok... a bit dry and not so finely chopped as sometimes but tasty with ginger and cayenne and lots of dried fruit and nuts. I also made a potato kugel and that was very good.... not excellent but very good.

And i set the script for my/our 2nd night seder. We went to George and Hila's for 1st night. Both night were ZOOM Seders for the health of all and for connecting in spite of The Virus.

For the "record" here is my script which everyone got as an attachment. When we did the 2nd night Seder we went through all on the script.. pretty much as noted. There were discussions and additions and input from others. Those who came were - Nancy and Bill, Arnie and Fern, Sarah, Amy, Susan Hildreth, Michael Hirsch, Jonathan and Joojeung, Deanne and me, Al Sokolow. and Denise.

And here is the script:

PASSOVER, 2^ND NITE, 2020

INTRO: A little housekeeping…

ZOOM… mute a lot and unmute as you need to and I may mute all along the way. Unmute and speak up… wave hands as you want to say something.

NOW - First of all – Thank you all for being here. Passover is the ultimate home Jewish celebration and this year some homes only have one person. I hope that those people who are not here and are alone know… it is ok to celebrate alone.

It IS nice we are all together in THIS special year of sheltering in place for the safety and health of all. Thank you for doing that! Our Seder tonight, on zoom, may be, a bit shorter and abridged and maybe re-ordered and with time for discussion and comments, too. AND – when it is time for the Festive Meal we will consider how to proceed.

In a moment we will have a check in but let us first light the Festival Candles…

THE PRAYER.. for the candles.

We begin all our holidays with the lighting of candles… So we may see the new Jewish day that begins at night.. So we may see what we are doing. So we may see happiness and suffering in our world. So we can see to do good with great joy.

Now that we can see each other in the lights of the festival – let’s check in… as they say… Whoever wants to say how they are doing and IF any help is needed.

PAUSE..

ALSO – now that we can see … let me show you the Seder Plate…..

SO  -- THE FIRST STEP… of our journey …. FILL YOUR GLASSES…

We will have the first of four glasses of Wine – the symbol of joy and happiness. We thank God that we are able to gather together again with friends and family to observe this Festival. Let us say The Kiddush:  FROM THE HAGGADAH….

ASK SOMEONE TO READ TRANSLATION…. From haggadah…

And… Shehechy-yanu… from haggadah

The four cups of wine we drink this evening honor G-d’s four promises to us in Torah as G-d says: ONE: “I will take you out from under the burdens of Egypt; TWO  I will deliver you from their bondage; THREE: I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments; and FOUR: I will take you to Me for a people.”

In drinking the first of the four cups of wine, we thank God for giving us life, for sustaining us, and allowing us to reach this moment. We know that life is fragile. Each day is a gift to be cherished and no moment should be taken for granted. We thank God for helping us maintain a life of meaning and we are thankful for having opportunities to sanctify our lives by performing good deeds that make a difference in the world.

THE SECOND STEP is a symbolic washing of our hands so we are cleansed before our service and I feel sure we have all done this… especially in these days of The Virus..

THE THIRD STEP … is the eating of greens and the first DIPPING to honor spring and the sweat of work and the tears of the suffering of slaves.

OUR STEPS FOUR AND FIVE have us breaking one of the three ceremonial Matzahs and recognizing Matzah as the Bread of Affliction and welcoming all into our homes who are in need. At this time we will open our door to welcome in hospitality all who may be hunger and tonight we will also welcome Elijah who we hope will come in our days with blessing of peace.

SING Ha Lachma…..

Sing – Eliyahu hanvavie…

Next are the QUESTIONS and the types of people who question, and the Story in answer..

There is a lot to know and remember… and be curious about… There are the traditional FOUR QUESTIONS and in the haggadah a listing of the FOUR CHILDREN.

SING:

Mah Nish-tana… etc. etc..  and then in English..

A new version – for these times of The Virus – of the four children:

The inquisitive child – wise?

The worried child – does not trust?

The compassionate child – loving.

The resilient child… - we will all be ok!

AND MY FOUR QUESTIONS, which are for me and maybe you have others?

Why is this YEAR different from any other?

What does FREEDOM mean and/or what are the many faces of Freedom as we shelter in place?

To what have we been enslaved and now miss, need, or find truly and really UNnecessary?

AND: How are we all living in this special time? Stress of many types are real for many of us. How are we doing?

MY ANSWERS in full for your to read at your leasure… - I will highlight.

This year is one of a great crisis – for our personal health, our economic health, our national health, and our planet’s health. Health for all people is in terrible crisis.

Freedom is a hard thing to define. Like art we like when we see it – do we know freedom when we see or have it? Reb Nachman of Bratzlav says “Freedom is the world of joy”.

As for being a slave – I have been a slave of many thoughts and behaviors and this time of The Virus is providing time for reflection and change as basic routines and activities are in disarray. I must take long walks instead of doing the elliptical at the gym. I have time to write… and read… and can watch more TV or movies…. With no excuses necessary. And I am not snacking in the middle of the afternoon or late at night, by choice.

Finally – the stress of these days       means I have a consciousness of how I live and think and behave and feel. These days I both express more care to more people and am shown and accept more care from more people and it feels good to give and accept and to get and to take. The best in people has come out – as Anne Frank said:  “in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

QUESTIONS FROM OTHERS????

AND NOW – LET’S TELL THE STORY…..which is THE TORAH task of our Festival of Passover.

The story is essentially this:

The Children of Israel… Israel being third patriarch - Jacob son of Issac who was the the son of Abraham – goes to Egypt with all his family to escape the ravishes of a great famine. Egypt becomes a place of refuge for the Israelites. Joseph the son of Jacob the patriarch has risen to power and grants land to his father and family in Goshen where they live and prosper.

After several hundred years the Israelites have become numerous and the Egyptians begin to fear them and that fear gives them the idea to enslave and subjugate the Israelites to weaken and destroy them.  (SING – V’HE-SHAY AMDAH) The Israelites in their suffering call up to G-d who hears their cry and sends a redeemer, Moses, who with signs and wonders causes the Pharoah, the King of Egypt to let the people of Israel, GO…!!!

THE SIGNS AND WONDERS.. WERE THE PLAGUES… LIST THE TEN…. AND DEPLETE SOME WINE FROM YOUR SECOND GLASS OF WINE.

The Israelites leave quickly and their bread does not have time to rise … and so today we remember the time of their rushed leaving by eating a flat, un-risen bread – the unleavened bread we call Matzah. Matzah may also have been eaten by the Israelites as slaves as we call Matzah the Bread of Affliction.

There IS more to the story… there is the frightening scene at the Reed Sea as the Egyptians, haveing changed their minds about letting the people go are pursuing the Children of Israel to kill and/or take them back into slavery. On one side is the sea and coming on the other side are the soldiers of Egypt… And then the miracle of the parting of the sea allows the Israelites to cross and then the parting of the waters ends and drowns the Egyptian soldiers. While Miriam, the sister of Moses, leads the people in a song of happiness and joy .. G-d quiets his angels in heaven because those Egyptians are his children, too, and their deaths may have been necessary but are not to be celebrated in Heaven. We humans were not heavenly then and today we are not heavenly enough, in my opinion. We all have a ways to go towards true freedom for all.

Gratitude was and is part of the human psyche and is a way, I think, to become more free and we now will sing the song of gratitude – Dayenu, which essentially recounts the story of Passover…

AND NOW… we will do as Rabban Gamliel said when he taught we must explain the following three symbols of Passover.

NOW WE COME TO JUST BEFORE THE FESTIVE MEAL OF OUR SEDER –

We have the second glass of wine

We taste the matzah

We dip the bitter herbs into the charoset

We eat the Hillel sandwich of matzah and bitter herbs…

AND NOW WE EAT…..

All are invited to remain on zoom and chat… or let us say our good byes, our good nights.. with NEXT YEAR… IN JERUSALOM … AND/OR NEXT YEAR IN PERSON!!

The Virus - Day 22 (tuesday)

The day count for these posts about The Virus is when I began the series. There is soo much to be said about how much longer it has been an issue.

Today is a second day of he Stock Market going up.. there is optimism about how curves of illness and hospitalizations and deaths are flattening. WE HOPE! There is still so much more time many think during which we need to be careful and isolated.... I fear our "leader" will not encourage continued social distancing and will cause an upsurge. IF only he would ... "not lead us into temptation" - the temptation to resume the normalcy - prematurely. Yet - his life may be a lifelong problem of things not mature.

Today I will try to zoom w/Michael, I will zoom bookclub, will get some dried fruit and do some stuff at Breton ..., make my charoset, make potato kugel.... and if weather holds take a walk... least do my sit-ups (which I didn't do yesterday) and use my strap for stretches, too. Right now -- here in Davis, CA at about 7:20am -- cloudy with the look of rain to come but report says only 40 percent chance of rain (and that early) and mostly sunny during the day... getting more and more sunny.

And work on SEDER ...I may seriously  RE-ORDER things ... to streamline and get to discussions for adults.. as all will be adults. Might have someone else lead discussion??? And will likely have new four questions... BUT first I must talk w/Deanne about these changes. Likely to be less music/songs since zoom has its lag-time issue when many people sound off simultaneously.

SO... this my Tuesday, Day 22 blog... written first thing in morning. AFTER Passover - which is an issue of immediacy... I will blog some other stuff...  Specifically work on my: "Think about it... or Forget about it" ... maybe tying it to the spiritual counting of the Omer... I certainly hope I get on that..!!!

=====and now signing off this morning writing...maybe more later =======

The Virus - Day 22 - Monday

Days go on... Some reports good, some expeinsertctations not so good. Stock market this morning liked what it heard. Whatever... as they say.

It IS a new week. Here in Davis, CA we had a weekend of rain and maybe more today. Now it is white clouds, blue sky, some sun. No wind. Kinda of nice looking from my dining window at Deanne's house.

Deanne worked late into the night, Sunday, and we dropped off three packages at the post office. Each had frou masks, 2 using filters and 2 without.

............written early Teusday... and posted...
Later in day I took a nice walk. Did some work on seder planning. Began watching a new Amazon series.. The Loop... which seems intriguing.. SciFi and a mystery and so far very wierd. First episode was about time displacement for a girl/women and the second was about two teenage boys switching bodies with consequences... and a robot.

Now on to Tuesday...

The Virus - Day 21 - Sunday, April 5, 2020

Today's post should help... with dating all this if necessary.
It is early morning .. well not that early... About 9:15am...

The book I am reading has me fascinated. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt... someone told me it is a movie and I see on Amazon it is... 2019.  Will consider watching after reading.

Yesterday there was some rain.. TODAY... lots of rain this morning. Hard... and a bit sustained.

Later - some zooms with Deanne's family. And shiva for Aunt Dorothy... to be attended by daughters... soom... to NJ.

Will probably makes some calls today... such as Arthur and Linda Sternberg... and Syma...And Andrew....

more later??? ===================================

Good day.. .went to zoom meeting w/Deanne's family...

Had a nice conversation w/Linda Sternberg. A good conversation w/Syma and a very good conversation with my cousin Arthur..

Book talk w/Syma -- when i finish The Goldfinch.. need to talk more with her.

Arthur, in NYC... being careful and that sounds good.

And also went to Shiva for Aunt -- DOTTIE... Dorothy... and daughters were there and I sent Arthur's condolences.

My parents are doing pretty well... though several weeks ago Arthur had to tell them -- don't go out to get hair done.. that would be CRAZY... so I guess people are not doing what they should without others telling them clearly and loudly..OY!

And now listening to chabad... talmud.. not a good use of my time.. so I am doing this, too. Bottom line -- isn't there something to say about what is actually happening now? Does this rabbi ever consider what is happening in the general world... The talk is about the size of fruit, and it covering. protection .. and such.. AND -- when can you use the fruit of a tree ... . when can a fruit tree be cut down? What happens during a sabbatical year...  Must be some way to join such issues with The Virus... but no -- he just talks, and talks, and talks....  I guess if you want to be "somewhere else" this is such a place. Everyone seems to be listening... though quietly... and rabbi just goes on and on... why are we doing any of this...??

Soon.. I will cut filters for Deanne and her face-mask project...

The Virus - Day 20 -- Saturday

This is written early Sunday morning.. I'm a skipper... In any case ---


Saturday was a good day... Services in the morning (zoom).
Cocktails with ladies in afternoon (zoom)
Went to my house to pickup some stuff in early afternoon. AOK...

That is about all.

The Virus - Day 19 - Friday - with add-on

The day count.. is on, off, relevant, irrelevant... whatever  -- but it does sort of keep me grounded on the subject.

Today I sent a short message of to a friend... And I think I will send it to a bunch of people... Simply it is;

"Resilience and Patience...."

Those are two qualities to develop and/or maintain. These are difficult times and unknown times. We don't know certain things, we think some terrible things, we worry, we hope, we are anxious, we are ok now...  SO - if we can patiently wait and see what happens and then are flexible and strong in our responses -- we have a good chance, I hope, of coming through all this ok. Only OK? Maybe only ok...

And OK is OK....  For so long so many have thought - who wins, who loses... let me be the winner -- who cares about the loser... AND now maybe we see we are all in this together. REALLY.... If I don't get The Virus .. someone I know may. If death doesn't come from The Virus .. well - death does come to us all -- and if lots of sudden, premature deaths from The Virus come - we will all suffer. REALLY. While some suffering will be at a distance for some .. with a lot of suffering all around the consequences are wild and crazy!

And that is my thought this morning... at about 10am... Maybe more later....

============================================

So .. it is now about 2pm... and I had a thought - after a walk, reading, early morning Rotary meeting and more reading... MAYBE I am quietly boring... A closet couch potato... I am less productive then many others.. I like to read and watch films and tv shows. Walking is nice but has not been habitual til now (since the gyms are closed). I do some sit-ups and stretches and need to do more... AND this blogging and maybe some other writing will become more of a habit. I NEED MY BICYCLE... and maybe get into that as a "hobby".  I miss the gym.

I also miss cooking... and maybe that will improve, so to speak, after or as part of Passover. Deanne does the cooking now so very well and her kitchen is hard for me to work in.. We will see about this.

And maybe I shall get into meditation again. (adding cushion to stuff to bring from home).

This staying away from my home is interestingly focusing me on what do I want and need... REALLY.. A silver lining to The Virus?

The Virus - Day 18 - Thursday

Today... did some errands on the phone such as renewing by local newspaper subscription and having it come to Deanne's address. Talked, waited to talk, got dropped, called credit card company, back to costco -- SO my credit card reward would be processed without having to go into a store. Finally got to the right person .. At Costco .. .who filled out form and a credit to my card should appear in several days. OK!

Talked with some friends. Walked a little. Stretched and did sit-ups... and now it is about 4:30pm and will see what will be the rest of the day. Haven't looked at any tv... but will go do another episode of The Baker and The Beauty - on Prime.

OH... Am I supposed to put together dinner?????????!!!!!!!

Anyway -- lots of reading to do. Read a bit into The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt - could be interesting.. Recommended by Rick. Seems to be about a tragic death and the guilt of a survivor. Not quite the same as someone we know....

Weather today beautiful... Sunny and clear... a bit windy ... but not too much.

Didn't attend the shiva for Aunt Dorothy... will attend on Sunday wtth my daughters.

Meanwhile... will hopefully have a joint cocktail party with daughters and Susans on Saturday.

Generally - AOK... the issue/problem is what will be as this continues for the long time AND what will happen when really horrible images of sickness and death... are seen or felt. How close will id come to ??? me, you, us, whomever!!??/ SERIOUS.

The Virus - Day 17, Wednesday

it is now... about 1:30pm

A couple of days ago on the East Coast my Aunt Dorothy - Sheera's mom - died and today will be an online shiva. I plan to attend.

Took a walk today and it was good. Still some stiffness - today I walked first and did sit-ups and some stretches after. Yesterday I did the reverse but today I did it in the order I usually do it... Sometime I will add some push-ups, etc...

New invite went out this morning for our 2nd night Seder via zoom.Several yes's have come in... GREAT... looking for more.

Zooms today, in addition to the shiva... will be class on Heschel and maybe haftorah w/local chabad.

:Last night talked with Pam in NYC... things dire there in so many ways. And - Amy and Susan being out on Long Island is a place where there are not a lot of hospital beds and people are being asked to not go out to their summer homes. On another hand, a field hospital is being setup at SUNY Stony Brook.

Also talked with Rick in late afternoon and he is a risk taker and coughs and has tested negative for The Virus... and may not be staying out of the public sphere as he should. Mr. Rebel. I should ask him sometime what he did in the 60"s.

Maybe more later....

The Virus -- Day 16 - Tuesday, yesterday

Well... another day... and this is being written on Wednesday. Main thing -- I walked Monday and today, Tuesday, and Monday was difficult as I was stiff and Tuesday was a lot better.

Did a couple of zooms... one about using zoom for a seder and one about historical hagaddot...

And it has been set the first seder will be at 3pm pacific time on the 8th with east coast folks. Then maybe something on west coast later. AND here is the note I sent out (Wednesday morning) about our 2nd night seder:

==================================

Subject: Passover – Night Two – Redux

Hello again,

It’s a new day. Seders this year will be different given social distancing required by The Virus. Therefor we will have a Seder via Zoom. Some of you said yes, you will come for 2^nd Night Seder, some declined, and some have yet to respond. Please let me know if you would like to join Deanne and me via Zoom on 2^nd Night, April 9^th, beginning at 6:00pm so we can send you a link. Zoom is an online conferencing program. You will need a computer, smart phone or tablet connected to the internet to participate.

It is a bit unclear how the Seder will look. I hope everyone who wants to participate will do so. Some/all of you may want to read and/or suggest readings or songs not to miss. Please let me know asap so I can schedule them in and provide copies as necessary. NOTE: the whole evening is likely to be shorter. The technology works best, I think, by moving it along and sitting in front a screen for too long is not fun.

FYI - THE THEME is:

Why is this YEAR different from any other?

What does FREEDOM mean and/or what are the many faces of Freedom as we shelter in place?

To what have we been enslaved and now miss, need, or find truly and really UNnecessary?

AND: How are we all living in this special time? Stress of many types are real for many of us. How are we doing?

We will do all the basics – light candles, say Kiddush and drink wine, tell the story, ask questions and discuss, experience the tastes of matzah and maror and charoset and we will see a Seder plate and Elijah’s cup. We will complete all essential things before the Festival Meals we will have in our respective homes. IF people want to stay online while eating that will be fine.

We can deliver (with advanced notice) some seder basics (matzah, maror, charoset, a green vegetable, a hardboiled egg and some matzah balls). You will need to provide your own wine, salt water, soup and other foods.

SO – please let us know Yes or No AGAIN…. We hope all is and will be well with you all!

With love,

Ken and Deanne

=============================

from my Legacy writing class... Monday, 3/30/2020

We had two prompts --- these were mine...

ONE: Moral issues around The/A Plague… by Albert Brooks…. Around this date in the NY Times - at: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/26/opinion/coronavirus-meaning.html

I get his stuff about our choice of responses. I get the need for meaning and reform and the changes we are being asked to forcefully face. I get the need for connecting with others and for listening. I get his questions about death and dying and our roles. I get his red/blue division in our country AND the unfairness of resources for the rich vs the poor. 

There is a lot to be considered and relative to the division and wealth I go back in his essay to Miriam’s song and his use of the word plague and the holiday of Passover coming up. 

When Miriam and all the others at the Red Sea sang their song as the Egyptians were drowning a commentary said they did so probably “because they needed to give voice to the huge relief of finally being redeemed.” On another hand commentary says ”On seeing the drowning Egyptians the angels were about to break into song when God silenced them declaring, “How dare you sing for joy when My creatures are dying” (Talmud, Megillah 10b and Sanhedrin 39b).

Clearly there is always a lot of death in this world. These deaths today from this virus are unexpected and for so many premature. And it is terrible, terrible, terrible… first and foremost and all that is unfair is similarly first and foremost. YES - two shared imperatives. Both sad and bad.

Brooks spins a story of expectant hopes. And I have such optimism, too. At this time I don’t yet personally feel anxious for myself partly because others have been anxious for themselves and for me. It has helped me behave correctly. I fear for others more than for myself… I fear for my daughters, my partner, my friends, their friends… etc, etc.. Bottom line is I have to stay healthy for all the others I care about and for others generally.

I wonder about my parents and sister and yet hesitate to call or zoom …. Just as they are hesitating, I guess. My mental health in regards to my parents is ever in jeopardy. Sad and impossible… Just saying.

I almost always am motivated to think by Brooks. And I like to remember Robert Frost said:  “I’n three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:  -- It goes on.”

======================================

 TWO:  link at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEgl_TUYOZo

The video was powerful and dark and real and it meant, I think, to be hopeful.  It didn’t make me anxious. It made me feel sadness. I have watched it several times and tears come closer and closer each time to flowing and I am a person who doesn't cry!

The world and all its inhabitants need help and this is one terrible way to be “helped”. Why do plagues and wars and such wake all of us up? 

Am I awake? I think I have awakened in several ways and The Virus has been a catalyst. While “trapped” inside a house with my partner I realize it is not a trap. I have discovered my more real feelings and that is wonderful. Love is definitely here.

I appreciate lots of things including - health, family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, food, books, audio-visual media, ZOOM and other video conferencing tools, clean air and suddenly less pollution, alcohol and such, travel, the gym, peace, quiet…. And more….  It is nice to write that list and to consider there are many positives and we have the time to find all those positives. 

The Virus - Days 13, 14, 15 -- Today is Monday, March 30, 2020

It was a good weekend. Services and stuff. I do need to take a long walk (I walked very little this weekend) and I need to do sit-ups and stretches... I do miss working out at gym.

This morning I plugged in my new Roku (from my house) and used the old Roku's remote and happily the old worked with the new. The old box became obsolete and wasn't getting Prime which is my access to movies, etc.. SO - now - better. I really appreciate Roku not having completely changed its technology. Very user friendly. THANKS!

Yesterday I brought over some books, pictures, more clothes, a nick-knack to Deanne's where I am staying. So far... good...

Over the weekend I cut some cloth for Deanne as she has begun sewing masks for medical personnel to help with the shortage. I cut ok... she sews good.

SO... there is not much to report. Later today I have a zoom about Jewish lawyers and my legacy lass to attend. I may not be able to go to both... time conflict... AND I need to write my legacy thing before the meeting. SO - off to that now (it is about 8:30am)....Maybe more later today...

The Virus - Day 12

Today may have been the beginning of something new between Deanne and I. That is a lot and somewhat due to The Virus. We have been more together in one house here in Davis because of the shelter in place policy brought on by The Virus. That has lead me to be anxious about whether or not Deanne and I can and/or will live together... as man and women, etc. etc.. That is something I have wanted or said I wanted and even said I give up on wanting .. for a long time. I have been frustrated, hopeful, expectant, disappointed, etc, etc.. And I have been saying My Patience has run out. I have not more Patience... And I have talked with ... Deanne might say AT Deanme about this and with a frustrated attitude several times recently. And once again we so talked... yesterday... and we got over/past it a bit... and today even more so. We are talking a bit more civilly and I hope productively. Things may really be changing..

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ... I think... I realized, on my own (as opposed to with my therapist who I did see today)... that when I say, as I have several times.. .in a positive manner - "Deanne -- you drive me crazy" the answer to what that means, since Deanne asked, is... she drives me crazy because I think she loves me... even I know she loves me... and yet I am anxious about that truth.
Yet that truth is truly real... not just in my head. Deanne loves me. She shows it and sometimes even says it or writes it. I would like it said more and then with all the ways she shows me she loves me I would be very satisfied. In the meantime .. I am satisfied in soo many ways. And today I think I got it. I did have a talk with Deanne and I told her I understand she love me... I didn't share the following:
ldn't
1. Mark Twain say: "Love is the irresistable desire to be irrisishartner about that trap. I was trying to break the trap by getting my partner to show me she wouldn't leave in spite of my harshness and anger, etc... HOWEVER --- I didn't realize then and TODAY realize -- all I really wanted was to be shown and told I was loved and foremost in their lives... That may have been true or not true absolutely but I will say it was probably True Enough and I could have been happy, content, etc.. I have learned something after all this time!!!

My anxieties are my downfall. My anxieties about my partner's love for me have lead me to harm and destroy that love. I HOPE I STOP BEING A FOOL... I hope I take this leaning and live this understanding and relax and enjoy and accept and take in the love I get... and give what I can.

And the time and pressure of The Virus has helped me get here....!!! WOW.