2025 Daily - 02/06/2025

 Its early morning... about 8am -- at services on zoom.... and will write more later.

From the Chabad web site today;

"Daily Thought

Greater Miracles

There will come a time, very soon, when we will be shown miracles so great, they will make the Ten Plagues and the splitting of the Red Sea appear as ordinary as nature itself.

So great, no mind can begin to fathom them;
so powerful, they will transform the very fabric of our world, elevating it in a way that the wonders of the Exodus could not achieve.
For then, our eyes will be opened and granted the power to see the greatest of miracles.

And what are those miracles?

Those that occur to us now, beneath our very noses, every day."

ABOVE IS WHAT WOKE IS ABOUT,  Wake up and smell the roses... see the wonders of our world...  and the suffering, too. Be aware, sensitiv e and BE GRATEFUL... These are essential messages, are they not? Trust, Hope, and Do Good. 

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And then there is IRONY.... Yes - the terrible, imho, irony of the attempted and much accomplished ethnic cleansing of Jews from Europe in the 20th century with the 21st century being a time when people can't seem to live near or with "others". There is more in my Essay - EthnicCleansing.doc - not published... yet?!

2025 Daily (skipped 3&4) - 02/05/2025

 It is early in morning, the 5th, as I write THIS... and I have skipped entries for the 3rd and 4th. Seems my writing discipline is not as good as my piano playing. I haven't missed a day this year of practicing a bit on the piano. The writing IS more difficult but lets see what the future brings.

Yesterday I hosted the bookclub in my house and the book was: How democracies die ... very disturbing. Written/published at the beginning of the first Trump execution of the Presidency now as we begin his second attempt to destroy democracy the distance between the good and the bad is very very short. These are troubling times for what some call (accurately???) the longest existing/surviving democracy in the world. Fact is ... democracy as a system may be easily dismantled. Maybe!!??!! More in Essay area of my writing, I suppose.

BTW -- today's weigh-in was BAD!!! Came in at 280 ... so my new "set-point" of the mid-270's is broken. The Sunday Rotary event and the sausages and cookies yesterday had to have taken it's toll. I've got to watch it! As it is now almost 6am -- I'm signing off and going to workout ... Yesterday I missed working out as there was too much on my plate, so to speak. Services, bookclub, lunch w/Bruce, meeting with Jim Fields, Univ. chorus... A full day!

SO -- I did some writing about ethnic cleansing... will need to work more on it... It is one of those things!!! Trump, Bibi... REALLY!?

2025 Daily - 02/02/2025

 hmmmm.... late today. No writing. Good workout. A rehearsal, a rotary party, a meeting about africa...and now... its 9:15pm ... and  will practice piano.... at least keeping that streak going. Nothing much coming to mind to write...

2025 Daily - 02/01/2025

 Day one of February, 2025. I is about 3pm --- and I'm back from my drive to services in Walnut Creek. It was a Women's Shabbat from their sisterhood organization. Well attended and well done!

Writing today ... may not happen -- nor will piano practice or workout. It is Shabbat and my day of rest. I do rest pretty good!!!

BTW - Recent movies watched at home:

One Life

About Endlessness (title?? to be checked)

AND A NEW PBS TV show... I came across and which looks fascinating... "Alice and Jack" from early 2024. 

2025 Daily - 1/31/2025

I date these daily writings since sometimes the post's date may change if I fix, edit the post... Though I will try to make those clear.

This is day 2 of my finally? REALLY writing every day... something. I did write a couple of emails. One was a note, of gratitude... and one were my thoughts about immigration and the 5th and innocent until. It was sent to some folks doing a program later in the month. Basically I think all of us need to be concerned since sometimes, often... we are without documents to prove who we are! It seems like we are becoming the police state we asserted the Soviets were once upon a time ... We WERE free.... and that means to some extent we do not have to prove who we are on the mere demand of the police. There needs to be some cause or link to an action such as we are driving a car or what? When do we have to answer any questions of anyone? Our actions and proof of our actions are the domaine of interest of the police. Our identities are personal, subjected, ours!!!

SO - anyway - what else is going on today? Today is the day after an airplane disaster in the District of Columbia and our President has already disrespected the dead... even the dead soldiers! He is quite a work of hate. Very shameful. Very wrong, imho.

I am planning on a big day this Sunday. Maybe coffee w/Syma, a rehearsal of the Davis Chorale, a party for Rotary, and a meeting about the Rotary Africa trip. I have not yet registered or put any money down as it is not fully clear what the program and cost will be....I am pretty sure it WILL happen - but what exactly needs some defining. I am into the PEOPLE meet AND Gorillas. 

THE POLITICAL THING THAT MUST BE DONE... Come up with a convincing plan of action for the voters wanted by the Democratic Party. Democrats must address the needs of the many ... not the few. The fragmented coalition did not and may not ever DELIVER.... And a viable future candidate needs to be identified. Maybe several. YES the mid-term elections are important but A Bigger Picture needs to be developed!!!!

LETS HOPE... and LOVE... Kamala had the right instinct I think to combat hate and fear. Can it win? Can someone else carry that banner and be successful? And followup with Love and Hope and all kinds of good things for ALL PEOPLE... The Bell Curve Residents.

2025 Dally? THE FIRST on Blog - 1/30/25

 I meant to begin writing and playing piano a little each day and the piano I HAVE been doing daily since January 1, 2025. I have ALSO done a bunch of writing starting with the stuff in late 2023 on the cruise I took... BUT this post will begin, I hope, a truly more discplined writing thing. I am pretty sure the piano thing is actually now a good GO!!!

BTW - most of these will be sketches of other writing being done... or somehow I mean to coordinate all my writing. I hope to not re-edit any of the dailies... but is some text AND some other/additional text comes up then another blog post will get created with a NOTE LEFT ON THE ORIGINATING POST... or somesuch system to keep things linked as useful.

==========================================================

SO - here is something I have been thinking about and which is written about, I think, in some other docs.. which I will try to find to get it ALL TOGETHER... for promulgation, if wortht it!

The StandUp in the Middle talk/rant…. SUMup!

There will have to be a giving up by people of important issues/ideals...There are too many single issues with which people overlap but in the end the calculation is single-issue and many important issues/IDEALS get pushed aside.. SO – what issues are we all in on. And what single-issue must essentially be given up … if any…!!! Except Absoluteness = i.e. EVERYONE MUST DO SOMETHING… TOLD TO/AT THEM….

Freedom to figure out and choose what is personally right (i.e. – what is right for ME and not necessarily for another… )

Occational piece one: drinking on the highway - beer or ???

Once upon a time ... I was on the West Coast (crashing in Berekely and tourning a bit in San Francisco) and then it came time to return to the East Coast. The year was about 1971 and I choose to hitchhike from West to East. There were several stops and adventures on this trip one of which was in Nebraska. I was on that stretch of the journey in a little Volkswagan Bug. The driver and I were both bearded and scrufty and hippy looking. The car was filled with the driver's possessions and there was a dog, too. As we were driving east I was in the passenger seat drinking a canned beverage. Going west was a highway patrol policeman who say our vehicle and saw me drinking and the policeman turned himself around and stopped us. He was there to arrest or ticket me/us for drinking beer while driving (in most states it is not legal to have an open container of an alcohol beverage in the car). Well.. the officer had the driver step out and show licences and registration. Then the officer came to the part of having me step out and answer for my drinking. I was asked - What were you drinking? I answered - truthfully - Carot Joice! And I had the can to prove the truth of that ... and we went on our way!

NOTE: other adventures on this particular ride included... the original pickup after I slept overnight on the side of the road in Nevada (SUCH A CLEAR SKY!); gassing up one night with gasoline from the hoses of gas pumps because it was late and the stations were closed and we were riding on fumes, i.e. we were almost out of gas'; and finally after staying overnight in the Detroit home of the fellow who gave me a ride he drove me to the Windsor Bridge that goes from Detroit to Canada at which I was turned back and from where I continuied hitchhiking to Buffalo and then on to NYC - one leg of which included a ride in the unhitched cab of a tracker/trailor... and when I loaned the driver 20 bucks which I go back some months later!.

Occational piece number six: early morning piece at zen center...

Once upon a time ... really:

There is a Zen center I went to several times several years ago. It was very inexpensive and comprehensive when I went as a Student Practioner. For the weeks I was there I was a full member of the community, the Sanga, and arose early to meditate and to clean and to work. The weeks I chose to go were often when we arose "late" and meditated once before cleaning, breakfast, and then work. The choice I made of the time of year was because we arose "late" - about 6am, but was just when I was available. I thus missed arising at 5am and meditating twice in the morning and so one day I figured out when to go so as to get the more full experience.

I arrived for the week when all would be earliest and most complete. As it turned out I was housed in a satellite sleep area and that was ok. I use a cpap machine and the space I had was a single so it didn't bother a roomate (though the machine is quiet). The satellite area did not have a toilet and so in the middle of the night when I awoke and needed a facility I dressed a bit, put on some shoes, and went to the main building. As I walked over I passed an office building and saw a police car parked there. I thought -- ahhh... the police are into Zen and or have some friends in the community and that seemed good. I returned to my room and went to sleep and expected to be awaken at about 4:30am or 4;45am to begin the long full day. 

When the sun rose I awoke and noticed the time to be about 6am and I was surprised. Weren't we going to begin meditating and all the rest of the day at 5am? Where was the monk who came around with a bell to awaken all of us in the community to get us going? Did I get the date wrong? Was this a time when things started later????

All was silent. All was still. At least from my satellite building and it seemed quiet everywhere. 

I arose, got dressed and headed to the main buildings and then I learned -- there was a great crisis! A young man who had been residing and part of the community for several months was missing. He was nowhere to be found and his car was still parked and he was diabetic and may not have had with him his insulin. Everyone was very worried and so searches were being organized.

The searches being organized were very professional and comprehensive. Teams on horses were called in, helecopters were to be deployed, people on foot were out, and a radio and phone command center was setup. Things were very colorful. The several teams came from surrounding towns and counties and each had their own colors. There were uniforms that were bright orange and bright yello and bright red. Maybe more colors, too. Lots of people. Lots of resources. Lots of anxiety. Everyone was worried and hopeful. So many teams and so many emotions! Some of the professional search teams had been on a job the week before and the results may not have been good. How was this search and rescue going to end?

Trauma for the Zen residents of the community was building. There were members of the Sanga who were friends with the lost young men. People knew him and cared about him. Nobody knew where he went and the thought was he wandered off for some reason, got lost as darkness came on, and without his diabetes medication his life could be in danger. Time was of the essence as they say!

No meditation was done that morning. No work. Breakfast food was made available As I said I awoke at 6am and was down to the main buildings by 6:30am. Seven oclock came and went. Then 8am, then 9am, then 10am. The helecopters were in the air. Horses and people on foot were on the ground. The ocean was nearbye. Fields and rolling hills were needing to be searched. Soon it was 11am and then noon.

And then .... at noon a telephone call came into the Zen Center main switchboard. It was the young man calling in and asking - "how were things going?" Thus we heard his voice and knew he was ok and soon found out he had walked away to go visit some nearbye friends and he had slept well on the porch of the house of these friends and he was ok and had been ok all along. 

The search teams were happy about this ending. It ended well! The person who had been presumed lost was safe and sound and would soon be back at the Zen Center. They packed up their gear and said their goodbyes... 

The Sangha remained and had been and was traumatized. The feelings of loss and anxiety were intense - especially for those who had shared several months with the lost (and now found) young man. For the next several days special meetings and discussions were organzied for the community, the Sangha at which the emotions were processed and all came to understand something more about each person's responsibilities to each other. A lot of learning and healing. 

And not a lot of early morning stuff at the Zen Cneter .. for me. Oh well...!

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(this may be a draft... written 6/22/23. It may be the final... It was about something that happened about 12-15 years ago. It is a true story as I remember it)

Fwd: Dec. 2022 test

---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Ken Firestein <kenfirestein@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Dec 14, 2022, 8:25 AM
Subject: Dec. 2022 test
To: <fresser.kenspen@blogger.com>

Does this post?

Tired, tired, tired.... and unhappy and dieting, too.

I am trying to diet again... OR - watch what I'm eating and how much. Containing the caloric intake with the phone/computer app is happening now for a little over a week. Today is 2/8/22 and the first entry was: 1/31/22. Each day has been pretty well done and honest and this morning my weight at home was 216 which is ok.

I'm sitting here writing as I think -- eating is EASY... And when I'm tired as I seem to be a lot .. eating is very easy and energizing and something to do.

Something to do .. something satisfying. And EASY....!!! And available. Especially as I am home a lot! ah... pandemic-bound.

When I am tired and feel sad, depressed, at least NOT happy. I could lie down and take a nap... In fact I will do that for a few minutes after writing this and then... maybe go work out! Or at least take a walk. Or first some soup w/meatballs and then the walk. 

It is a really nice day.. Sunny and getting warm and it is just beautiful. 

And I am unhappy .. relative to daughters and other women. Suisan R. for one.  Sucks! And Deanne is away and when she is present she is tired and stuff. Ahhhhh......

I'm somewhat bored. I do have a fairly good book i'm reading. Two, actually. An old HGWells - the basis for the movie - The man who could work miracles... And a Kim Stanley Robinson Book -- Icehenge. Two good reads. One on Kindle (good) and onr on Cloud Library (ok system). And there is Wordbubble and the mini-corssword and Soduko and sometimes Wooduko. 

PROJECTS...??? Get ready to have indoors painted? Plan some trip to somewhere. Garden - including roundup and tree pruning.  And maybe cutting/trimming in front.

There are things to do... worth doing and doable. 

There is CBH and CBS ... and zoom classes and projects. 

Time enough. Money enough, too. JUST ... somethings not quite right. And what is least right is -- me and my feelings or lack of feelings or something. Something like - no one to hear me. No one who listens to me ... People all around being so much more important .. .who have so much more important stuff to say. People who don't have time for me... and about whom I care less and less. As I seem to be cared about less and less. OR so it seems. Bad attitude, mine! 

SUCKS.... It sucks being me. It sucks being alone. It sucks being sober. Or so it seems... BUT now -- a nap, then lunch, then a workout...

But who cares? 

Sex, Race, Anti-semetism

Sex - or sexual orientation has long fascinated me. Race has also been in my life for a very long time as an issue of fascination. As a Jew - anti-semetism has been on my mind for my entire conscious life.

I'm linking them here because the way these three aspects of life can be considered is somewhat interesting, in short.

Sexual orientation by which I mean is a person heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or any of the other sexualities is both a genetic and a social construct. In my opinion. In my opinion the debate relative to it being a social construct is real as we know people have hidden their sexual orientations at times in history and they have hidden it successfully. 

Race is also genetic and social as biologists tell us there are no real racial differences amongst humans yet clearly in the past several hundred years (I am told it is really ONLY the last several hundred years) differences in appearance by color or other physical looks has been established as real.

Anti-semetism is based on genetics and social constructs, Just accept that. And the basis is rather easily hidden!

THE POINT HERE IS ... Jews and people of various sexual orientations are able to hide their identifications to escape the hate directed at them while race is much less able to be hidden, if at all. 

Another thing - all races and ethnic/religious groups may have people of various sexual orentations and all races may be part of ethnic religious groups, etc etc... BUT Race is unique in two ways. One way is that it cannot be hidden. The second way is it is solely a social construct. 

Don't you think?

at MARE restaurant on shore

well The keyboard is fine..right off..whle the screen will only stary ib portrait,,,  Oh wekll.

Went to check out buss for tomorrow and i have somethibg... but can only hope it is th right one. A loal person helped but was not sure,, I'll see tonorrow ... and i hope...

Went to the history museum... where I boted two thibgs.. in my notes....

1, mosaics may have beeb precursor to pointilism....  - and I could have realized this/checked this a long tine ago,, BUT  all things evebtually,... INTERSTINGLY

and more important to Greece/Crete trip...

2. Crrete was a war zone... a crossroads... as was Israel...I would say... Interestig.

.... well...

I just tried to talked to some young wonen sitting nearbye... one was smokg cigarette... and my queestion is why smke.. but her english not good adn my spanish... non-existant.. so ... no converstato... BUT I Wonder - are there adverts in europe ... or what?   AND HERE IS ... an idea for today's youth.... SMOKIBG IS NOT ADULT...  or even - THOSE ECO-KILLING ADULTS ARE THE ONES WHO SMOKE...  but not me... ETCETC...

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Dinner,,, here at the MARE.... -- could be lamb souvlaki or a greek pasta - as per menu ---Skioufikta... - AHH,,, just noted the pasta has apaki which is pork... so ,... probably not.... OR when in Rome.. hnnn.. but this IS lamb land... Souvliaki it is.

bTW - last night's Cretan salad was a lot and fine and reproducable back hone,,, The gelato after was good - half chocolate cherry abd half dark chocolate... in a cup,,,, quite a lot, too... nicely dished out.

Today, tonight... since it is now 5:30... and Im about to have dnner is wait-person comes by .. will be more ouzo and the souvalki... and maye later the gelato.. from another stand. 

BTW - breakfast at the hotel was very good.... extensive buffet with chesses, breads, meats, sweeets... and coffee and jusice.. Quite a lot.... and good. Not terribly creative or special ... BUT VEry GOOD!!!!

-------------------------

Ordered the souvlaki - lamb... and asked for bread (I wonder if that will cost more??? No worries... nor will I argue... I have been warned on this so no problem... FYI... I ordered about 17:39 and the waitress used wireless microphone system to order.. and the ouzo arrived at 17:42 .... and we'll see about dinner.... Ah.   Came at 17:58

I may not care for licorice... but I DO LIKE... ouzo == which is, i think, licorice-flavored.. I like it a lot! SO - why do I not have some at home? I do have the Pastice which is French ,, and good. SO = I'm alright.... Just need to get on it...

BTW - this keyboard and I'm usig the stand... IS GOOD,,,,  ! Yea,,,

Sure hope it is saved!!!! I have written a lot at this tine.... MOREas the 2nd ouzo is imbibed... or bibed or whatever.I didn't ask for (though I thought about it) a beer... as there may not have been any drafts... abd there was a light lookibg Mythros brand beer in a bottle... but the 4 euro ouzo's seem a deal.!!!

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Still here... it is about 6:45... dinner done and ouzo is being felt... nice.. good I am near hotel... And generally near places i've been. No worrie about getting lost... so AOK....  but no more ouzo or such tonight.  Palace of Knosis tomorrow... at 11am which is a late but good time, I think. I do have to GET there.. And my bus arrangement is not certain. Ah... language and directsions... I DO get lost!

BTW (so many BTW's ) People travel with young children and even older children. .Nice.

One true love.... (ahhhh....LOVE!)

 I do love... or at least try to love. I love in several ways and I love good, bad, ugly... etc.. I can talk abolut love and obviously I can  write about love (herein). I can define love and deconstruct love and, most simply -- LOVE. 

I am a student of Erich Fromm's book: The art of love... And I take from that a basic distinction between love as a verb and love as a noun. I like (even love?) the idea of love as a verb.

My struggle is love as a noun. Being "in love" is viewing love as a noun, an object, dear I say a thing. I do like things... but really not so much. Therefore I wonder if and/or when I am "in love"... and then an object as well as having an object. Furthermore, I think many people view love as a noun and so I can wonder about me having something wrong with me... as objectifying love is both difficult and something I would argue is not right!

Love as a verb is a set of actions and feelings and I would say love is of the moment and is fleeting, transitory, soft, and yet powerfully sodld. 

I would say -- love is similar to G-d as G-d is impossible and wrong to define and limit and when both are seen as actions or actors... i,.,e - as verbs doing ... it is then we touch on something special and good.

Ah... GOOD??? There are so many ways to wonder about the goodness of love and/or G-d since actions (as well as things) are subjectively viewed or experienced and as each of us is a special and distinct subject we bring or interpretations into the judgement... AND our judgements are always more limited then the span of realities that are love and G-d.

You and I are objects. We are limited by our brains and bodies and hearts and the time we have to live. We are also taught we are "in G-d's image" - while also being taught G-d has no image. For G-d to have an image would be to idolize G-d... which is rightfully forbidden. We humans are limited but there much beyond our limits.. and there may be found love and G-d... Infinity - The Infinit ... The All... The Nothing... 

And so - today, September 1, 2021, I write this... and declare --- what I think and feel is most important in this world we can know .. .IS LOVE and I do love and I feel love ... and I am happy!

BUY BUY, Balance, balance.

I shop... online these days and in the past - I sometimes was into shopping BUT SOME DISCLOSURES...    

First - I would like to be objective and I'll try while also trying to identify what is subjective by using "I" phrases.

Second - retlaive to Buying Stuff... i do think I like to dress up sometimes in nice clothing HOWEVER:

a. I often do not like my body (to fat, to flabby, other?)

b. I do not throw things out SO today I have lost a lot of weight and have clothing I have kept for over 10 years and can now wear. YEA!

c. I am not sure what I want beyond good looking and fitting clothing... Maybe ART? Maybe up to date electronics, garden stuff/fixings, alwayts good food (this is gotten regularly since one MUST eet).

SO - electronics and old clothes are two good examples of why I may not be the Great American Consumer needed by our economy ... assuming we need more and more and more.. .consumption.

As a guy it is somewhat true our fashions do not change as much as women's fashions and/or we guys do not need to have this years latest stuff. Or, maybe that is just me and my late 60's background as a hippie long haired messy person. Also, I am in my 70's so what am I dressing up for? I do need good clothings hen I need to be presentable at weddings, religous services (in person!), funerals, the occasional dinners out... etc... etc. And sometimes even that list doesn't require too much from me... at least in my humble and Californai'd opinion. SO older pants and sports jackets that may be somewhat out of style are still generally, in my view, useable. Collars may be too wide or to narrow or there or not there. Ties - too wide or too narrow. What is "just right"? Where IS Goldilocks?

As for electronics - I have always heard and accepted as true the idea most of us have devices that are more powerful and capable than we actually use or need. My phone, my desktop computer, my tablet ... they are all either several years old or recently replaced as I needed to for external changes (I had to get a new phone when I changed carriers). THEN it is really cool when I do get a new computer or tablet or even phone and it is newer by several years (3 or more!) and I think almost anything I get will be SUPER faster then the previous device. FAST IS important... or at least nice. And with newer devices doing several things simultaneoulsy is possible, better, and I do it! Once I thought computer speed was not important and now I do feel impatient sometimes if the internet is slow or the processor is slow - so GO GO GO ....!!!!

And SO - as I think I am a good citizen of our community, city, state, country, world AND is not being a consumer and greasing the economy important? Yes and No,.

Yes - help the economy along... by helping workers!

No - help the ecology along by not wasting resources.

The CHURN of money through the economy is, I think, a real thing and something of a great waste while it does give people the chance to seem productive. The CHURN is The Way we distribute wealth around to many people so that which is produced can be purchased and used. We have a system where we are paying for DISTRIBUTION  more then we are paying for PRODUCTION. Supply chains, and middle men/women/brokers, and marketing, and insurance,  etc... SO much are the costs of:  transportation  and adverstising (urgiun/mnaipulating us into wanting/buying stuff), protecting stuff!

And THE ISSUE is how to support the exploded population of the world. Population is at the core of our worlds issues! Growth and maintenance of our population requires those long distribution/supply chains and war and peace determines controls of the distribution as borders are in place and need to be crossed and conflicts over those artificial boundaries/limits get breached or defended at the cost of lives and anti-life resources. 

What can I say beyond -- STOP and FIX and ENJOY what we have and BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE all the real numbers (how many people, how much food, how and where shelter).

To write or not?

 I write therefore I am ... ????!!! IF ONLY.

I obviously do not write a lot or regularly... check postings on this blog and my other blogs... Check dates while knowing there are drafts written but not published AND I write some other stuff, too... such as in a Legacy Writing Class twice a month during the pandemic. 

TODAY -- I just thought I would note this point about my writine and as often is the case... I hope to write more!

Purim safely zoomed.

Happy day today being Jewish and drinking and remaining safe!

Tonight is the Jewish Holiday of Purim and the food associated with Purim is the hamantashen - a triangular shaped cookie representing the hat of the terrible, horrible Haman, a man who tried to kill us. As in the old "joke": They tried to kill us, We survived. Lets Eat. ALSO - we celebrate and dress in costumes and adults drink to near oblivion, traditionally. Yes - we drink as we listen to the story of Purim and try to blot out of our hearing the name of bad Haman who is mentioned lots of time in the telling of the story (known as The Book of Esther or Megillat Esther -- the WHOLE megillah). 

So tomorrow I hope to be happy without a hangover and without having endangered anyone as I drove home from synagogue because this year we are doing services and readings over ZOOM because of the Covid-19 Pandemic. Thank you zoom! In the "old" days we tended to live and walk to synagogue so there was not a problem of driving under the influence (DUI). This year (and last) the need to socially distant and with the use of zoom we can drink to our heart's delight and be safe and hopefully not be hung over in the morning!

Thanks to zoom I can visit as many synagogues as I like to hear, drink, and eat on this and other holidays. Imagine - 24 hours of religious services mixing up foods and drinks and prayers and ideas and feelings and everything! Radical!

So many ways to be RIGHT and WRONG

This morning my partner and I discussed a problem area of the world and as we went back and forth and differed in many ways we came to a point of saying -- is this issue a matter of black and white OR are their gray areas to consider and perhaps find common ground? I think we recognized there is common ground to find and ways forward on the issue being discussed as well as other issues. At least I hope so.

Additionally I remembered something about my views. I remembered my belief that there is at least two sides to any question and in reality, in my opinion, there is often many, many sides to most issues. Perhaps an infinite numbers of points of view. I do think the simplicity of there being two sides to any issue is important as it is easier, perhaps, to find some middle ground. On the other hand the belief there are ONLY two sides to an issue and the reality of many, many more may be why common ground is diffictult to find!

For example, if I vote for some candidate in some election based on some single issue of importance to me while ignoring or even actively dismissing other interests and things that are important what results? I am not sure what results however I think they problem in our times is based on single-issue voting/politics and people locking themselves into silos that are limited, suffocating, and alienating (for both themselves and to others). 

An old answer to this silo-locking phenomenon usually bring up ideas such as tolerance and acceptance. Those two concepts are very different yet they may be considered the same when a person finds it difficult to do either. These two concepts also are outcomes/goals.

Another answer is empathy. The idea of empathy is to understand the feelings and thinking of the "other" and also be aware of your own thinking and feeling so you might relate on emotional and intellectual levels and find consensus in process. Process is ongoing and inconclusive.

Comfort is important to many of us and I suggest outcomes/achieved goals are more comfortable then a constant process of caring and empathy. This is understandable yet it  THE PROBLEM. It is The Problem because all things change all the time. There is growth and decay and chaos and order and movement and stillness, etc, etc.. Consider your birth and death and all of life in between. Change is THE MOST CONSTANT THING.... So outcomes, conclusions, achieved goals ARE important and FLEETING. THE way to deal with change is to notice changes and consider change.

CHANGE.... It is what is in your (wallet) being!

Title for this could be/have been... or What's wrong with me? or or Gray matters while infinity seems to exist. or or Infinity and the individual... or etc. etc.. etc...

My personal "problem" is in not coming to final conclusions. I feel like apologizing for being inconclusive yet I can't help myself. I have seen a lot of absolutes missed. A primary absolute I generally assert is... No More War... and so as I joined in the Anti-Vietnam War movement I realized it was not a "pure" anti-WAR movement but something smaller and achievable. Also, defensive wars/killing are acceptable to me as I think about World War Two and other wars. The American Revolution is another "good" war, maybe! The Civil War can probably be questioned as can many other wars. For me -- problems. For me I can look back and wonder if some other ways and means might have produced acceptable results for all. 

People with optimism look to the future and see things improving in most ways for most people. The arc of history is upward meaning towards the good. Some people, as I have in this writing, think most highly of PROCESS and others with good intent and intelligence remind us to remember the GOALS, too. 

THE final answer is to respect and believe in the process as we move towards goals beneficial to all. This is something I learned while training for community mediation. Mediation! YES.

Worry, worry, worry....

Tim McMahon said: "risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking."

While we might say - who is Tim McMahon - I must say simply: the statement is a truism not often said. So what is on MY mind with that statement in mind? So many things - from do I buy a new car to which side of the street do I walk on to how I relate to people to my relationships with people to relating to several very important people such as my partner and my daughters and to friends and relatives... etc etc...

One of my favorite statements is by Rabbi Hillel who said:""if I am not for me who is for me, if I am only for myself what am I, and if not now when.".

And then there is: "if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin." said by Ivan Turgenev.

Who these people are and the context within which they stated these things are all very important and also not so important.

Beginning whatever NOW is usually a good thing. Understanding risks and how they effect me and others are good things, too.

AND YET -- I wait until some time after tomorrow to begin writing again since I have certain things to say about certain issues which I do not want to put into the mix relative to the November 3, 2020 United States of America election. All things effect all of us and NOW IS IMPORTANT and yet it is true, too, that patience has merits. Though a favorite quote in my compendium of quotes is from "Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce (which suggests something) "PATIENCE n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue." and on another hand - "never despair...............(be) a “prisoner of hope”—holding tight to its vital force no matter what."

This election is consider by most to be a major moment for our nation. On one hand people think it is better for our country to .... WELL -- I really don't know what those who support the current President really think or want. The other side, those who support Joe Biden and the Democratic Party could say the name of their party essentially says what they AND I hope for and that is democracy as well as civility and humanity and fairness and bravery instead of fear and much more I support and think is GOOD!

Further writings will address pressing issues and constituencies needing to be addressed in major and immediate ways. Those will include climate change, and law and order, and economics, and community. Stay tuned!

                          

The Continuum....

Today I was writing or struggling to write when I came up a draft email I began about PROCESS while also reading some arguments/discussion on a difficult issue. SO ...

So -- there are two views on process. One current and popular view is:

"It is good to have an end to journey toward but it is the journey that matters, in the end." ~Ursula K. Le Guin~

Another view is:

"We have perhaps a natural fear of ends. We would rather be always on the way than arrive. Given the means, we hang on to them and often forget the ends."~ Eric Hoffer ~

I think there are often two views on anything, or at least two views, for instance:

To be or not to be...

To believe or not to believe..

To do or not do...

Here and there

Now and then... and later on!

etc, etc, and absolutely.

An alternate view of things and one which might be less divisive would be to consider a Continuum. Are most issues on some kind of continuum? We think about good and bad... or Right and wrong... etc.. yet there is GRAY. Plain ordinary gray. Not White. Not Black. A continuum might look like the Bell Curve. Or is could be a Rainbow!

With a GRAY Continuum there are extremes. With a Rainbow Continuum we can recognize many places to rest and enjoy some preference we have as we recognize we have a preference. Some may go to Red/Infra-red and some may go to Violet/Ultra-violet while others will rest at orange or yellow or green or shades of red or blue. I can't say what the various colors mean to you or me but I can respect the individuality of the differences and wonder about the beauty of the possible combinations. 

An Experiment at this time

I am wearing my glasses now as I sit in the backyard at Deanne's and watch hummingbirds and flowers and swaying of grass along the back fence. An experiment would be to not wear my glasses for some time... A day? Two days? More?

I could not see hummingbirds, I think but I could see the swaying grass and the colors of the flowers. I could read and write but not really watch tv nor drive a car. Walking could be difficult... though not impossible. AND THEN - there is Deanne who walks with me and could be the driver and such things as cooking and cleaning I can do and she generally does.

A day or so without glasses could be done. It would feel weird... almost an altered state of consciousness I would think. I have done it for minutes at a time and my experience has been altered. I have not done if for long but NOW I HAVE SOME TIME... and I am a bit bored or something at this time.... Maybe - 90 days into sheltering-in-place.

SO - maybe start tomorrow? Or Saturday or Sunday. Monday might be THE day.... OY -- so much happening at this time.... (dinners and father's day).

As has been said... IF we wait for the perfect time to start we will never begin!

The Virus Day 90

Actually - today or yesterday the comic strip: Pearls before swine..... had a bit about a family together for 90 days.... SO - is THIS THE 90th Day?

Not sure... but it has been a while and I have not been writing as regularly as I want to be writing SO -- maybe today will begin the next "streak".

In the meantime -- not the other post written today... An Experiment at this time.... I might do it as noted in that post.

FYI... I have logged into MyFitnessPal 50 (fifty) days in a row. SO - for 50 days I have been working to lost weight with success!

FYI... it was April 23 - about 55 days ago when I had my Pulmonary Embolism Event and I awoke to my health issues. Waking Up is the thing in so many areas and as first taking care at home... of myself -- then I have begun. NEXT? - Politics - the thing for 2020!

Gratitude - finally!!!

I sometimes don't get it because I am dense. Until today I thought when listing things in a journal for which I am grateful I needed to have an infinite number of things for which I was grateful. Today I realized I don't need to have an infinite number of things for which I am grateful.  It is OK and normal to be grateful for the same things or similar things each and every day. In fact my Jewish traditional daily prayers are a perfect and clear example of that ..... BUT I AM DENSE....

To digress a moment... I am DENSE about a lot of things. I have realized the right or better ways to be, etc... at a later age then many other people realized certain things. This is not a place to list all those things but I just want to say, as is said: "Better late then never".

Getting back to gratitude: As Father's Day, 2020 approaches I realize my gratitude attitude and list is real and important and maybe limited and maybe it is a longer list then I realize at the moment. However - I mean to begin journalling a gratitude list on this Father's Day after getting for myself and my daughters and some friends a journal designed for the purpose from one of my favorite shopping spots: Amazon.

Father's Day is a week away. Along with being VERY VERY grateful to have two wonderful daughters I often think I was not a great or even good enough father. So I continue to try to be better and do some fathering now even though my daughters are responsible and independent adults. Yet they suffer in these days of political and economic and health turmoil. I am a father to them still. I might be a friendly father... I might sometimes appear to a be friend ... but at the end of the day I hope and think and feel I am basically a father to Sarah and Amy who can be heard and helpful as a father and an elder.

A GRATITUDE ATTITUDE is something I and many have heard about for a long time. IF you haven't heard the phrase check it out on the Internet. In my life I have certainly had much for which I am grateful and many people to which I have not given credit and acknowledgement. In recent years I think and hope I have gotten better about communicating my gratitude. I have not been perfect! I CAN ALWAYS DO BETTER... And I can always learn more and get more tools to help me do what I have learned.

Relative to a tool I have ordered a gratitude journal which will prompt ideas and provide a place for the list of people and places and things for which I am grateful. I am giving copies to my daughters and a few other with the hope it will be useful and used. It is something I can do as a father and friend and lover.

The specific journal being sent is:

• Good Days Start With Gratitude: A 52 Week Guide To Cultivate An Attitude Of Gratitude: Gratitude Journal by Pretty Simple Press

I think GRATITUDE is a base on which we all may stand with happiness as we realize we all are connected in a web of doing, giving and getting from our World.

The Virus - Day 85

Done... maybe... on June  14, 2020

And so it goes... tomorrow... maybe more ... and maybe some things about compassion and hope.

Actually -- I am going to skip this at this moment... about 1:40pm Pacific time in favor of a post on "Gratitude - finally!!!" See that ... and maybe below if I come back to this...

The Virus Day 80, approx

An earlier post from April 23rd was for day 38 and today, June 11, 2020 - is about 42 days later... (AHHHH... number 42!!!).

And I have not been writing daily though I have several posts done in the past week or so and in fact have several posts in draft form.

Of course -- to remind me (and you) I had an event I call The Event -- about which you can read HERE.

This was a wake-up call and so - Hello!

The days/times we are living in are amazing with fears and anger and anguish and suffering and HOPE. I for one must hope and hope is a good thing along with gratitude and compassion.

I am thankful for a lot. For the luck and the guardian angel who helped me when The Event occurred and the stranger and my doctor and the many medical people who helped. I am also deeply grateful to my daughters for all their care and love and support and hopes.  Then there is my very deep gratitude to Deanne who with her knowledge and feelings have helped me get on track with walking and eating and I am much better, health-wise and relationship-wise, because of her. I have gratitude for friends and family - even my parents who passed on to me genetics I think are important relative to my health and recovery.

And so it goes... tomorrow... maybe more ... and maybe some things about compassion and hope.

2020 - my birth family and truths

What do I want? Maybe to be somewhat, just a little, clearly and simply - HEARD?

What do I know... what is really true ... and certain. What, what, what.... by who, who.

SO.... here are some thoughts and if any are sent I will note which ones are sent and when. NOTE: this post is begun on June 10, 2020.

For Father's Day:
On every Father's Day know: your son is a father.
OR
Well - it is Father's Day -- for you and for me.
OR
SENT:
Albert,
On Father's Day remember:
I am a father
and you are a father.
Kenneth


Backtracking to Mother's Day ... I would say:
Mothers love right. (new word and punctuation .. .interesting!)

On my mother's birthday:
You were there when I was born.
OR
My Baba was there when you were born.
following SENT ON JUNE 25... yes
My Baba was there when you were born June 30th, 1926. Right?
Kenneth

For me on my birthday:
I do things as I do things and certainly could have done things differently.

TO BE SENT ON JULY 25
For my sister on her birthday:
I was told we are biological brother and sister.
or
SENT:
I was told we are brother and sister. Me born, Aug. 2, 1949 and you born Aug. 3rd, 1953. SO close...BUT....



(HMMM>>> ????I remember saying before you were born: I want a brother. I have been told, but I do not remember, I proudly proclaimed... I have a sister. MAYBE both things are true.HHHHH)

For my father on his birthday:
What certain fathers know.


And more...????:

2020 - Seeing clearly

Occurred to me... it is the year... 2020 and when we talk of good vision... of seeing clearly - we talk of 2020 vision. We also talk of hindsight. We talk of many things to see clearly and IN TRUTH... This post is the introduction to a series of posts beginning with "2020" and then will be either numbered or something so as to publish each new thought or set of thoughts separately. There may be one more or two more or many more... Not sure today.

Today I begin as I think about Father's Day and being a father and having a father and a mother and a sister and an ex-wife/mother and two beautiful and wonderful daughters AND my battle against the proverbial-type statement: What goes around comes around!

In 2020 I continue to wonder if what I have done will haunt me.

Specifically I have in mind my relationship with my parents and then my relationship with my daughters. I think my parents would harshly criticize me for how I relate and have related to them and so I have to wonder if my daughters harshly criticize me for how we relate. I may write more on this but for now...

For now I have just sent a Mother's Day card, as I often have, and then received a telephone call from my mother acknowledging her appreciation for getting that card. The appreciation included a request for me to keep in touch/call AND this time asked me to be sure to call my father on Father's Day. Also soon will be my mother's birthday, then my birthday, then my sister's birthday, then my father's birthday. And tonight/this morning ... I wonder - what do I know is true and what do I want to communicate to them honestly and yet not too harshly and certainly without expectations or hopes about them seeing and/or doing anything.

SO -- this 2020 series.... Check out the next one.

The demonstrations - May and June, 2020 and ????

It goes without saying… but I’ll say it: I am in favor of the issues of the demonstrators - racism, specifically at this time.

My basic response to the protests is concern about the looting and other violence. My secondary response is to understand the truth about reports of so-called outside agitators.

I am dismayed at the looting and violence and can barely tolerate it since while dramatic it may generally be counterproductive as the most people may be threatened and become defensive no matter what the correctness of issues.

  

Relative to outside agitators – that is a very interesting phenomenon since who is outside the issues of racism and the pandemic and all the social and economic issues which are problems for so many people.

Bottom line for me – I support the demonstrators. I hope their health in this pandemic is not adversely affected. I hope the violence and looting has come to an end and we will now have continuing sustained peaceful demonstrations until fixes and justice are realized.

The stupid economy

James Carvelle said … “It’s the economy, stupid…” when he strategized for Bill Clinton’s election campaign… And as I said during check-in (this was written and shared at a writing group) – my diet is data-driven and that means it measures and records numbers and the dismal science that is economics… is a matter of numerical data…. And so when you ask me this question today I am inclined to say – the economy is most important and I would demonstrate relative to the economy – whatever that is…  The questions today are… what economy and who’s economy?

I am not a great participant in today’s economy whatever that economy is since I don’t really behave routinely as the consumer our capitalist system requires. While I do buy things I also hold onto and re-use things a lot longer then, I think, others do. I keep my automobile for 10 to 14 years. I am not a fashionista and changing the style of clothing I wear is, I think, a very fundamental aspect of the consumer economy. I only subscribe to Amazon Prime to watch movies and tv shows even as I know of many interesting shows on Netflix and Hulu and CBS Express, etc… The books I read come from the public libraries (I was a professional librarian and I have always used public libraries). I live in a house bought in 1980 … and I don’t go into debt, essentially. SO – I am not the greatest participant in the economy.

Yet I believe the economy is the basis for how many police we put on the streets with what training, what kind of health care we have for whom, what shelter is available to most people, etc.  When all these things are in short supply the result is racism and genderism and other prejudices resulting in all kinds of group competitions.

So – it is the economy.. or some new economy … which I would demonstrate for as it is a new economic order which can address and hopefully fix the myriad of problems currently on the streets and in the world today.

Fires of discontent

There are fires of discontent in our country and throughout the world. The Minneapolis killing and subsequent demonstrations there and in many, many places is the thing of the moment. And the THING IS... will this only be of the moment or can and will there be real changes. We are all burning in the fires of The Virus and maybe something very new and really new or DIFFERENT can develop.

I do believe there is not a lot new, perhaps nothing new, under the sun and with that in mind and the thousands of years of history the human race has experienced I hope some system has been tried and found to be true, good, and certain.

One such system which only lasts a while is Repression... Authoritarian and repressive and oppressive management of people by fear and power. This is one simple and quick way to restore some kind of order. That kind of order is not free for all and usually includes extreme poverty for some, even enslavement, and great benefits and luxury for some... with a middle worrying about falling and not likely having a real chance to rise towards the top. This kind system is fostered by irrational fear and hate often exploited by leaders in the elite. In such systems most people may be comfortable so there seems to be comfort in accepting limitations such as little privacy, controlled speech, few travel options, essentially no personal space and escape. Today we are in a time with The Virus and the economic tragedies for so many and the demonstrations in the streets relative to power inequities may mean this repressive authoritarian system may be introduced... even more then it is in place now.

Yes -- we are in a repressive time, even in these United States of America. Journalists are threatened and fired upon! Peaceful demonstrations are hijacked by agitators and then threatened by a mercurial President who only wants to find a way to remain in office... A man who publicly incites people to harm others. A man who is afraid to be seen as mortal and afraid. A man who lies and cheats and is not moral but who does for some what they want done, no matter by whom. Senators and Representatives mostly of the Republican Party who have sold their souls to a devil. Sickening!

Are there alternatives? There is American Democracy and it is being put to the test. I hope it will pass muster and we will return to leadership respectful of PEOPLE and the truth and of science and of deliberative government. I also hope that certain deliberations on such things as health and wealth will be acted on very, very quickly. While fixing our economy is complex and difficult I hope it can be done soon! I dare say it must be done soon. There are people actually dying unnecessarily. There are people losing their homes and businesses. Their very lives! None of this has to happen if we all share and if those with the most share the most!

I am content and all around me are essentially content people. I live in a bubble of intelligence and respect and basic resources and support. It is a small'ish university town and so far most is pretty good for most with food banks helping and churches helping and individuals helping. Lots of help!

And there is also discontent here. The fires are burning quietly and low as we hold to our basic grounds and help those in need. We help for the sake of those in need and we help to help ourselves, too. We stay safe when we help others who would otherwise have to take what we have to give.

SO - give, give, give... Of yourselves and your stuff. AND LOVE!

well, well, well

You can't always get what you want --- but if you try? sometime -- you get what you need....?!!!

Try for what? What do I want? What do I need? What do I get? What do I now get....

I CAN make a list... albeit a short list of what I don't get ... or can't do.. and so feel unfulfilled.

That is IT... Being Unfulfilled. What would fill me up?

Happiness is THE THING and I am responsible for my own happiness and so I try, these days more then ever, to keep on smiling and keep steady and calm and FINE.

Anger doesn't get me anywhere... that is a lesson well learned. Sadness doesn't get me anything either.

I truly find myself at a loss for how to get what I want... beyond that which I need. I am not fulfilled and yet I am good, ok, fine, essentially happy in comfort and ease of living.

I am WELL... And I am getting better as I am now, suddenly at age 70 somewhat disciplined in several ways. Most recently and noticeable -- I am being disciplined about my eating. I eat anything I want but within limits of daily calorie intake. Other nutrients are looked at such as salt and carbs and fiber but bottom line which tends to carry all those other details is CALORIES. I am losing weight and I am recording good sugars. Earlier I heard myself -- only give me a small piece of that cake. WOW! I amaze myself. It is making me more well, healthwise, and also well relative to sensing I have some control over myself.

I have been vocal about this new way and starting tomorrow I think I will be more quiet since it doesn't matter what I say publicly. It matters to me what I do in the privacy of my own self.

Well... I am well... and more well! YEA! And I wrote THIS and that makes three days in a row writing again.

Is it all in the moment?

Now - This Moment - is clearly what we all have to experience and now, this moment, the present is most real. It can be touched and felt and our brains can see and hear NOW. These moments change as they are repeated by the next moment and then the next moment, etc, etc....

True we can bring to this moment the past for its memories and regrets and joys once felt, etc. True we may consider futures when things will be better or worse. I can give examples of snarky ways of viewing the future and the past as well as romanticized views of the past and the future while all those ways are here and now in the present as I consider them and feel them.

Now is where we always are, for sure. We may think we live in the past or we may be anxious about the future but This Moment Is Now and is paramount. Without This Moment there would be no pasts or presents.

So - it is all in this moment.

When we consider the pasts we have experienced we remember them with today's eyes and sometimes we color them rosie and sometimes black. When we consider the future we may worry with fears or hope for the best with joyful expectations. In any case we just don't absolutely experience the past or the future since they are either gone or not yet here and it is how we think and feel NOW that colors the other times. If we are well rested and optimistic and with resources we may look back with nostalgia and forward with happiness expected. If we are tired and pessimistic and poor and hungry and oppressed with troubles then what was past will not necessarily help us as we consider a future with anxiety and fears.

NOW is NOW and our being here how is most real no matter our circumstance. In the absolutely specific moment of now we can feel the pricks of pain or joy or hunger or poverty, etc... or a combination of each of those or others. We can also focus on individual feelings and thoughts in each moment. We can concentrate and notice and think and feel about some specific thing AND THEN LET IT GO TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT....  The next moment. The next feeling. The next thought. The next stimulus from outside us such as the news, for instance, or our regrets or hopes or memories or expectations. The point is ... notice all and move on to the next things to notice as there is a lot in the world for all of us to think about and feel.

The thing NOT to do is GRASP onto anything. Do not grasp the bad as the pain when held becomes suffering. Do not grasp the good as things change and get worse and better. The truth is now and the truth is to a large extent a choice we can make. We can choose to worry or fear or hope or expect and in the end what will be will be and then it will change. Our primary choice is to live and move and continue AND stay open to what is happening. If this moment is terrible move to another moment and hopefully it will be better. It will be different even if you bring worry and negativity to it from your heart. If this moment is wonderful you will find yourself in the next moment and even if you are positive the next moment may bring sorrow. And then then next moment will come ... and you will either bring to the new moments personal negativity or positivity and all the time the new moments will have their own colors of hopes and fears to be experienced for what they are. So we can bring, by choice, optimism or pessimism really This Moment Will Change how we feel if we stay open to now.  Then not grasping and holding on to the good, the bad, or the ugly allows us to move on. 

Stay open. Be open. Do not hold on and grasp the good or the bad. Things change all the time. Now is different from when I began this sentence. Now is NOW.

I feel good. I feel productive as I have written this ... for the purpose of being helpful. I hope it is helpful. I know we all need help. I know we all get help and give help and our connections bring all kinds of things to our souls, our hearts, our minds. There is pain and suffering and joy and love and peace and war and, basically - good and bad... Our experiences of all this make us humans and grow our humanity and our connections let us share and support each other.... NOW.

And now -- June 1, 2020 - Restart

I feel and hope - TODAY will be the day i restart my writing on a regular, maybe daily, basis! I was doing that, almost, before The Event. I am not mostly better, maybe even better! and I miss writing even though it essentially entails SITTING.

"The Event" was my pulmonary embolism which caused me to pass out and taken to the emergency room by ambulance where I was transferred to the ICU for a couple of days, then to a regular room, then after getting tested for COVID-19 to their ward to COVID-19 patients in case I had The Virus, and then discharged and to my shelter in place place - and where I was having breathing trouble for about a week until something changed I began a little walking then more walking and now I walk everyday for over three miles (even on a short walk day) and finally took a day off working on Saturday, Shabbat, which is how I like to do things... workout 5-6 days a week and not on Shabbat.

SO - a return to normalcy with some health/medical caveats.. I still have health issues. Those health issues are diabetes, a heart flutter, obesity, and possibilities of kidney stones recurring. For the diabetes and obesity I am taking sugar-meds and testing my sugar daily and I am really watching my eating, measuring my portions and I am losing weight. For the heart flutter I am considering and probably will do a heart ablation which I understand is a burning of something in the heart and a resetting of the heart beat to stop the flutter and this is the gold-standard permanent solution (as opposed to simply using 'paddles" to reset the heart beat).  I also have tests, mostly various scans, to check inside for progress. I am now on Eliquis for life and I continue to take my other prescribed medications for diabetes and for blood pressure, too.

I am a very lucky fortunate person. First, I have good medical insurance. Second, The Event essentially took place in my doctor's office. Third I have was found passed out. Fourth I have a great and caring doctor. Fifth I have a wonderful and caring and loving partner. Sixth, and this one is not really number six but is really higher up and radically basic to me - I have two wonderful daughters who care and support me and do what they can for me. Also I have many friends who care and have been checking in and I feel generally supported and loved. Our time includes being lead from Washington, D. C. by a President who doesn't know what is means to be a unifying, compassionate, honest, and service-oriented President in a democratic and diverse nation. Further afield from my home in Davis, CA there is terrorism and political upheavals in so many parts of the world including anti-semitism and anti-Israel forces blaming Jews for things we did not do. There is also similar blame being layed on Chinese. There is "fake-news", poor reporting, people who are anti-science, etc. I don't even know what more to list or what the names are of the general demise of centrist consensus on an array of issues we really all can agree on. Too many people really be able to share a set of values and certain single issues should not be made priorities to shake apart a worthy CENTER.

And so - there is me and there is the world around me and dare I also say there is the world beyond this world and that include the Moon, Mars, Space as well as the spiritual realms. There is A LOT to know, study, experience, live. The attitude I and you and all of us bring to each moment, day, time of our lives is most important as we are in each new moment. Crying is something. Smiling is something. Being sad or being happy are feelings we can have some ability to choose. YES it is sad to be hungry and oppressed and hurting for ourselves and others for the deprivations we experience and others experience. And YES it is possible to not care and be glib. It is also possible, I think and hope, to do what can be done where we are to help ourselves and others and at the end of such a day find enough energy to be happy for what good we have done.

I personally have been on the sidelines and can attribute this position to COVID-19, my being a member of an at-risk population, and The Event I experienced, too. HOWEVER -- tomorrow I will do some work at the local Food Bank I hope that goes in such a way I can continue to do something there going forward. Food is so basic. Will I give blood, too... Yes as they will take something even as I am on blood thinners.

Times change. I have changed. What I call The Event seems like a major WAKE-UP call for me and I feel awake and energized to be better, healthier, more.

Onto Tomorrow.

Why so long???

I have wondered and wonder again... why do I take so long "getting it". By "getting it" I mean understanding some basic things and accepting and doing what makes sense... NOW. 

Lots of people grow up and become adults after some kind of childhood and they live their lives with consistency and success based on their past and their education and the models of behaviors and ways of analyzing and making decisions. Their lives appear successful and they appear happy, content, and FINE.

As for me -- well - I didn't get a lot of things for a long time. I can list some of those things but TODAY.... May 9, 2020 ... I write after what I call The Event. 

"The Event" was the explosion in my body of Pulmonary Embolisms beginning with Deep Vein Thrombosis in my left calf. The Event could have been the end of me. It could have exploded while I was driving or just sleeping in bed and I might have died and even killed others in an accident.

However -- I WAS LUCKY... Everyone tells me I was lucky. Some talk about a guardian angel. I say -- THANK YOU... Thank you all who helped by finding me, caring for me, and doctoring me in the ER and hospital and now at home. THANK YOU!!!!

So - I now have a second chance in life. This was A WAKE UP CALL and I am doing what I can to honor this new lease on life. 

This writing and other writings (in draft and in my mind) will be done as they are thoughts I hope worth sharing.

I am eating better. I am getting help from my partner Deanne who knows foods and knows me and is very, very supportive and loving. 

I am getting back into walking and other exercise. 

AND I going to get through the thoughts about WHY it took me so long to be and get better. I have been overweight. I have eaten quantities of food I didn't have to eat. I like all kinds of foods and plan to eat all kinds of foods - in moderation. With portions controlled by my brain and not my stomach or difficult emotions or whatever. I will control myself!

I will always wonder -- why has it taken so long. I hope it is not too late to get it all better. I hope for the best. 

I also hope to get other things in my life right/better ... sooner rather then later while knowing ALL IN ITS OWN/PROPER TIME. can come any sooner then its own time. Time is of the essence and NOW is JUST FINE.

No regrets. Lots of wonder. And the instruction to others -- do it/whatever NOW.... Waiting is ok and waiting is under your control. DO IT NOW.

So - I don't know why it takes ME so long. Does anyone know what time comes and goes and is used or abused by themselves? Self-awareness is cool... and using that awareness to motivate actions is most cool... by which I mean -- most important and effective and personal and a matter of ok-self-control.

Don't waste time. Don't let others waste your time. TIME, TIME, TIME... and NOW IS WHAT IS AND WHAT WILL BE AND ITS OK ABOUT THE PAST ... AND THE PRESENT IS HERE.

Day ???? - it is Monday eve -- May 4, 2020 - after HOSPITAL, etc..

S0 - below is two to Facebook explaining where I've been and why and where I am ... which is an OK place... It seems I am mending.. so the first of the two posts is the mending post and the second is the STORY....

And maybe tomorrow - back to regular writing... Today I walked about 3/4 of a mile... easy peasy... Soo - tomorrow should be better, etc...

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ONE from Sunday, May 3rd.....

Today is one week since leaving HOSPITAL.I just took a little nice walk. Felt GOOD.. Tomorrow - around the block and more, maybe. I know this is not a 26 mile marathon but for me and my condition (bunches of pulmonary embolisms) this is BIG. I walked by myself, with not great foot gear and needing to make a rest stop from the get-go. With those two points and not wanting to push to much first time out I went about a block distance and it was GREAT! Got home, not winded, not tired... Just Fine

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TWO - from Thursday, April 29, 2020

After being fairly consistent writing several blogs (one on The Omer spiritually and one a personal daily Virus Diary and another an essay area --- either/or, essentially) I went off the air, so to speak, last Thursday morning, April 23rd, 2020. I could have written Sunday the 26th of April but it has really taken me awhile to get back FROM MY STAY to everything since RETURNING HOME FROM HOSPITAL. 

That is where I was and now I am back home w/Deanne, sheltering in place.

What happened was - I had, for several days before that Thursday, a pain in my left calf. I thought it was an unresolved muscle cramp but as the days went by I wondered if there was a blood clot and if it was clot could it move to the heart, brain, or lungs and cause serious problems. So I communicated with my doctor who made a special point of seeing me that morning (thank you!) so he could then have me get an ultrasound that day. So, I left his office on the 2nd floor of the clinic with the referral and as I walked down the hallway towards the staircase and elevator I began to feel very lightheaded and dizzy. When I got near the stairs and elevator I looked for some seating but there was none so I held on to a banister near the elevator. I pressed the button for the elevator, the doors opened immediately, I saw a blue floor of the elevator and then the next thing I remember I am on the floor being tended by EMT’s, my doctor, and several other people (nurses?. I had passed out and when someone saw me on the ground rushed to get my doctor and help. THANKS! I later learned that the time between passing out and when I saw the EMT’s I was breathing and somewhat responsive and apparently had a couple of EKG’s done until the EMT’s arrived. Now I begin remembering some things such as am I hurt? I was asked and I remember saying I was not feeling hurt or bruised though I had bit my lip and blood from that was on my ear. It became a question of where to go and how. Should I drive myself? Should the ambulance take me to Sutter Davis or Sacramento. The decision was to go to Sutter Davis by ambulance as it was closer and I was not in good shape! In fact when I was put on the gurney and was in the elevator my heart and breathing stopped for a while as my doctor was holding my hand and he was about to bring on the “paddles”... but then I revived…. So getting to the nearest ER was important!

Off to Sutter Davis ER where I got tests such as ultrasound, CT, and X-ray. I was given very good care at all levels of Sutter Davis. I was admitted to the ICU where I spent the rest of the day Thursday and Friday until I was moved to a less intensive area on Saturday. 

Yes - the pain in my leg was a blood clot/embolism…. And it moved and got into my lungs so I am suffering from Pulmonary Embolisms - also known as PE.

The question the docs have is was this a provoked or unprovoked event, their terminology. Provoked includes:

You recently were on a long airplane trip and you were seated and stationary and clots can form. Though not absolutely immediately before this event I traveled in December to Hawaii, in January to NYC, and in late February to Belize. Those could be counted.

Or:

You have suddenly become more sedentary. I have been sitting more as I shelter in place and do not have access to my gym. I have walked and done some stomach crunches and a little stretching but I think there has been a difference.

And:

I am overweight and diabetic which are risk factors…

SO ? Provoked or Unprovoked… the answer is important relative to how long I stay on blood thinner (in hospital I was on a heparin drip and now at home I am taking Eliquis). Will it be 3-6 months or for the rest of my life? At this point my doctor is calling it Unprovoked so I will be using Eliquis for the rest of my life. 

That is the basic story! I am back home with Deanne where we have been sheltering in place at her house for a while. My daughters have been extraordinarily concerned and caring and supportive. Sarah has offered to come to Davis for a while to help. Amy has monitored and asked questions at a couple of phone calls with doctors. Deanne has been wonderful and caring and supportive and she and I have most everything covered at this time. We will see how the future unfolds.

I am weak from being breathless. It is like when I carry a large weight up stairs. I tire easily. I DO feel basically well otherwise.

This was, I am thinking, my wake up call to better health. I was lucky to have had the event when and where I did. I could have been on the highway going to the ultrasound. AND I am very fortunate to have the care and prayers and help and supportive messages, texts, and calls from friends and family. Very heartwarming.

My future plans are to lose weight so to be non or less diabetic and get back being active (I have missed the gym this whole time of sheltering in place and I look forward to getting back to a gym and the social energy there). In the short term more fresh air and walking would be nice. This is THE WAKE UP CALL… and I hear it! Good Morning!