Tuesday, June 17, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/17/2025

 7:30 am at airport for flight to NY. Who knows if/when I'll return to Florida. Maybe soon.   Maybe after all is done. 

Yesterday was good and then steps back. But morning report from Cindy was positive. Draining and stuff not to bad that came out. 

I'm looking at that book Focusing.   And again. WHAT DO I FEEL????? Am I really so insensitive???? Not feeling what comes my way and not showing/giving my feelings.   Especially positive feelings. I've been hurt and desensitized and not seen or heard.    And my feelings are unclear or scary or negative.    As I say.    OY!!!


2025 Daily - 06/16/2025

 A day late, after . 

Was at hospital all day and talked more with Debbie. Talks ok. . Care expressed in both directions and my limits noted too. DO I FEEL AND WHAT DO I FEEL?

Debbie did a bit better but had a slide back at end of day.   Nausea and the blockage. A nose tube put back in and I started.   What she did do was WALK a few times as well as getting in and out of bed and to the bathroom fairly independently. 

At about 6pm I left, has dinner, has meeting, packed, and got to sleep. 

Oh.   And had a discomforting talk again with a normal Trumper... Ie someone who is not particularly sensitive and who appreciates wealth  yich 

Sunday, June 15, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/15/2025

 This morning.... Sone talk with trumper and the normal crazy adamancy about lies and so stopped talking... I won't talk to someone who won't listen..and who has already fully decided to hold their position. No data will change them. Sad.

Sister is doing better and better. Stronger and eating better and more. Positive!

This afternoon she got to listening to Considering Matthew Shepard.    That I sang in the chorus. I too am listening and enjoying. We did good!!!!!

Today is Father's Day.   AOK.   Heard from daughters. 

That's all folks.    If only all people could be peaceful and loving and caring. Even I could learn to be better.



Saturday, June 14, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/14/2025

 It's 5:30pm.   Ish.  I've been at hospital hanging with Debbie and Steve. Soon Cindy and Arnold will pick me up for dinner, then back to hotel and then essentially repeat tomorrow. Debbie seems better and stronger and I can imagine her getting home Monday or Tuesday.  Today is Sunday. She may try to stay longer but she would like to get home. Issue will be appropriate help when she gets home. At this point she walks to bathroom but doesn't get out of or back in bed or chair. And she only walks short distances and is unsteady.   Today. . But things are get better and each day she eats better, too. Solid food is next on agenda, so to speak 

So that's what's happening. Kind of hopeful and positive. As for the cancer... that's something else. There may not be more treatment in future which means???? Probably not good.

Not any private time with Debbie though yesterday she mentioned there would be. I'm ok with or without private time. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 

Care in this hospital is good. Pretty responsive to Debbie's needs to be moved. Food ok. 

Not much else to say. Cindy just texted she's on the way 


Friday, June 13, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/13/2025

 Got to Florida.  Travels went well. Spent all day in hospital room with Debbie and Steve. .

I'm very tired!!

Arnold picked me up at airport and got me to hotel. Very good of him. Soon Cindy will arrive and will have a lovely sandwich. AOK.

Visit ok. Sitting in hospital room and watching her. She is weak. She's beginning to eat by mouth. . Mush. But keeping it down and slightly moving bowels. So better. She needs to get stronger and walk so she might go home. Still pain. This is a good hospital.  Debbie sleeps a lot. I'm tired and nap too sometimes.

So that's the story. No big talks today and maybe none will happen. I have been thinking.   And feeling .. liberating I hope.   I've begun reading book FOCUS. Interesting. Maybe helpful.   Will see. As always.   I can use help even if I don't ask or effectively ask. 

On another note. . Today a big attack on Iran so that will dominate the news for a while. Dangerous times 

Thursday, June 12, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/12/2025 - trust and also a new system for politics

Who do I trust? Or is it what? IF as is best I trust in G-d... at least when I awake to think about "it" - the question becomes is G-d a who, a what, A WHEN?!

G-d is very often related to time. So then we mortals know good times, bad times, happy times, sad times ... perhaps it is Ecclesisastes which is RIGHT ON.. when it talks about a Time to every Season.

As for NOW.... I just read something to consider acting on now and it is:

“There’s a line from a Hebrew prayer: ‘Our needs are so manifold we dare not declare them.’ Our needs are so vast that we cannot even begin to locate them …
So we all have work to do.”
Leonard Cohen


When I, yes I. speak of trust I speak of my basic psychological need. Trust about love. Trust about being heard. Trust about security. 

AND - can I be trusted? I certainly may have/did fail in that at times... Perhaps I should sit and think about past failures so I do not repeat them!!!!

AND NOW FOR POLITICS....

Some have said that being political is a fundamental human trait and activity. I think it goes way back to the Greeks. Be that as it may -- POLITICS IS FUNDAMENTALLY IMPORTANT... And the political environment is in big big trouble in the USA and all over the world. People in many ways and places are trying to make things better and I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE BASIC PROBLEM IS....

What the basic problem is in the USA as personified... yes PERSONified - is the Trump Scatterbombing of democracy and law and science and racism and corruption and international isolationism and trade and more. Note, however, it is the scatterbombing that is THE PROBLEM. 

The SCATTERBOMBING makes it difficult to work on all the issues and it offers opportunities for fragmenting opposition so as to essentially divide and conquer our nation and the world, too. Some problems such as health and vaccines are distractions and are related to science and they are divisive.  Issues related to the Middle East are a prime example of dividing and conquering as well as being in relation to issues about immigration. 

FOCUS is necessary. Some sort of systematic focusing that addresses the core issues with all due respect. Herein I suggest a system for your consideration:

PRINCIPALS:

First - recognize the essential value and worth for respect of all living human beings.

Second - Consider applying one's energy locally first and foremost 

Thirdly - Always keep in mind the effect of local actions on broader locales such as state, country, planet.

ISSUES:

All people need food, clothing, and shelter and those are ENTITLEMENTS and we can meet those needs, truly!

WORK is both a need and a right and there is plenty of work needing to be done to ensure all have the entitlements noted.

Work correcting CLIMATE activities and structures is necessary and is related to entitlements and the human need to feel really productive.

SHARING in the needs, work, and climate correction by all in a fair manner can be done, in my opinion, without really impoverishing the rich while really uplifting the poor. Essentially - there is enough to go around for everybody and the poor need more and the rich can do with less.

IMAGINE:

A world where policing and war did not cost as much as it does so we can redirect resources to humane needs. DECLARE PEACE!!!!

DETAILS:

What do YOU, rhe reader, think needs doing.... Please keep in mind that certain specific issues should not divide energy and resources so what is important is to consider the living with acceptance, toleration, understanding, and doing one's own thing without interference or prohibitions.

An example to consider is abortion. Some facts vary and there are simple ways to view abortions and there complex ways to view abortions. One can consider non-viable fetus', one can  consider unwanted pregancies, one can consider the health of the mothers, one can consider potential life or actual breathing life, one can consider religous communties, and one can consider individual political freedoms. There is choices one can make in all areas for oneself or choices in this and other areas that others can make for each of us.


Wednesday, June 11, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/11/2025 - damage/atonement - REDEMPTION !!!!

Good day...!!!?? For damage - see end, after line...

Bed delivered.

Got hotel in florida near hospital - as per my thinking and conversation w/Steve

got call from Cindy and she said Arnold will pick me up at airport in Ft. Lauderdale. Very nice!

Made dinner reservations in NYC for 4 - Pam, Amy, Chris, and me... at upscale kosher steakhouse. I might make a second reservation to give us a choice... The first is Tabernacle... and Pam was there recently and it was hearty and good. Another place she has not been to recently but which has a more diverse menu - and french style is: La Brochette Steakhouse. Possible to change to .. BUT plan is better for me to go to Tabernacle after visiting the Whitney in afternoon. Whitney closes at 6pm and walk to restaurant is about 30 minutes.

And then - I will need to remember to cancel one! or both if Florida stay is prolonged.

In fact - my sister is really not doing well. And may not recover - in part or fully. The cancer treatment has stopped and the blockage is not getting a lot better .. a little.. but hospice is coming in to consult and Debbie will see what they have to offer. That is the story .. from Steve today.

It is now about 11am -- and soon I go to lunch w/Andrew... then workout... and then maybe shop in Vacaville... maybe not.

AND PACK!!! I need to pack... and will start in a moment!

btw - last night I saw The Whale... really well acted by Brendon Frasier and a mellow story (sad and disturbing and hopeful, too).

============================

Damage/atonement...

For the many years of estrangement from my family the differences were between me and my parents. They did and didn't do certain things, they thought and didn't think certain things, and they said and didn't say certain things ... Good and Bad. Now they are both gone. Debbie remains as do some other relatives. Only Debbie might really know what was done, thought and said behind the closed doors of their home since she lived with them ... especially in their end days. 

As noted elsewhere, I think, I sat down and told Debbie certain things ... with "I" statements and trying not to be accusatory to anyone. Basically I told her I was abused - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was interesting to hear her say she knew nothing of any of that. She didn't see anything at all. And, I know, at least once, I tried to tell her way back in the 20th century and I was totally shut down as she said she didn't want to hear it... So she didn't know as a witness or as someone hearing me tell my story. So - she lived in a world of some innocence but it was the world of our parents (her's, mine) and if we think of things as teams or nations ... I was on one team in one country while she was on her mom's and dad's team in their nation. As I've thought and said ... - she never left home... Her parents left home and left her on her own... to the extent that she didn't have them living in the same house, state, for several years. They left home .. rather than she left home... I always find that interesting!

And now - as the days come to their end... what does she remember about things she actually said and did? Or didn't do? As for me -- I think I did little if anything to hurt her. Probably nothing. Certainly nothing comes to mind except I do regret not trying harder to help her see things for herself... but she did make her decisions for herself. She never visited me by herself and that I deeply feel sorry about - for me and for her. And then there were some things dumped at me... And perhaps she will address them. I will ask her - do you anything you want to share or say to me ... And then I'll see.

Basically - TRUST is the issue - and I do not really trust her to be loving and gentle and kind .. to me. To others -- they get and see what they get and see. ME - I ask for nothing so as to not identify things she can withhold. Essentially I expect nothing...but some grief...

Yes - GRIEF... In my life I have generally felt alone. Without allies. Without family or friends... That perception was often wrong. I did and do have friends... BUT the problem in my family became the basis for a sense I had of being on my own.. alone, having to do things all by myself.

SO - being TRAPPED was a concept I came to as I worked on my anger and tried to understand what brought out anger from me... TODAY, NOW -- I think it was my way of being fierce and personally powerful. I used to say my anger was a way of testing the love of another... HOWEVER - there is another way to see the use of anger... and that is... as a tool to show my power and independence and freedom. AND NOW -- instead of feeling angry I go to/stop at: sadness. Loneliness. Other negative feelings that are hard to sit with and own. It was easier to get angry and by pass the disturbing and bad and negative feelings. NOW IT IS ABOUT TIME TO GET OVER AND BEYOND THAT!!!  With this newer understanding - which needs additional conceptualization - I may move on to the end of my days with peace and tranquility and happiness and joy.

Redemption ! Real freedom! Equanimity, perhaps!


Tuesday, June 10, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/10/2025

 Earlyish morning - Tuesday. Heard my sister is improving. Great!

I am thinking about trip ... and wondering if, when, and where. Should I get a hotel room? I am thinking yes. Rent a car... maybe. We'll see. And - could consider rescheduling the whole thing for a month later ... Might check w/Cindy or Doctor about that.

I am washing clothes and getting ready to pack. AHHhhhh packing - what a difficult chore... to bring the right amount of the right stuff.

Saw crazy Korean movie last night - Parasite... I am not sure what to make of all the awful unlikeable characters and the horrific ending stuff. 

And then there is the reality of what is happening in LA - w/National Guard and Marines being deployed. The use of the Marines is VERY troubling and the use without the Governor's approval of the National Guard is also a problem. See movie: 2073 .... and cry. CRAY HAVOC!

Right now as I think of Debbie and LA I am feeling a weirdness in my gut. I AM ANXIOUS...  I am afraid.  More than other times -- I feel alone.

(ADDED LATE IN EVENING) I wonder... do I/can I trust all the lovey/dovey stuff Debbie has been spouting? Maybe... but I also feel sure she can get angry ... and be nasty ... to me... I have seen it directed at others who didn't deserve it, were not present, and certainly she could have not done it... And that was something at Mom's shiva...  Debbie has, as many of us have, stuff that is from the past and which can get triggered and can unleash the venom she has... SO - lovey/dovely - ok -- but I am ever anxious about what she might say -- triggered or not. She could sa stuff to "finally" get it off her chest, so to speak.... I am very unsure what I have done to her that could be called out but she could take me to task for things my parents might have thought and said, etc...  She could repeat some very shitty shit that was said by them...  AND SO -- I must protect myself.

AND furthermore -- when I next see Debbie... in a couple of days as the plan is.. it will likely be the last time each of us sees each other... I don't expect to see her again... sadly and truly. I will see how she is when I am there ... but staying til some end... is just so uncertain as to time/date. Doctor says that ... and other people's stories tell that tale..  SO SADLY -- it is likely I will not be there at the very end.

===================================

now... a bit after noon... after visiting and talking w/Rachel...

Ah... the stories I have... the experiences I had... IF only I could get going into something NOW... move forward... TO????

So I consider some sort of retreat... where? I wonder about traveling alone ... again... To Ashland? To Olympic National Park ... to ????

A staycation could work... if I could get working in/on backyard... I just don't think I have the skills, discipline, imagination... WILL!??? Maybe ???!!!!



Monday, June 09, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/9/2025

 well... here i am - in davis --- going to florida and arriving there early friday morning. I am not getting a lot of info from Steve ... but I think things are better.

Worked out today - double elliptical ... and saw Jim. 

I have several movies to watch as per recommendations from Sarah. Yesterday, based on a mention in Alice and Jack -- I watched Seven Beauties... ok... full of violences. 

I expect to go to Anticipated Bereavement ... and may or may not speak... 

THE QUESTIONS

why do I do the things I do?

why do I feel the things I feel?

And then - isn't there cognitive dissonance between the feelings and the actions? And THERE'S THE RUB!

As I felt long ago ... shame, embarrasment, guilt. Even as I continue to not fully understand shame. A definition of shame from Wikipedia's long article titled Shame - and one I think I "like":

"Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."[23] Similarly, Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person.""

Under the above definition ... and others that talk about privately harboring shameful thoughts and feelings while guilt is more about things said and done in public ... I have sometimes exposed my personal shame and become embarrassed and maybe guilty, too! Public vs Private ...and I generally think being open and public about myself is a good thing since I am not guilty of anything ... On another hand -- I do have regrets relative to things I have done that have been ineffective.. even hurtful to others... and certainly things that did not serve me well in the short or long run! Therefore I question my sociobilities! Do I know how to relate and to whom? When? Where? etc. etc..




Sunday, June 08, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - a bit more me (SUNDAY -lots of time)

 Why do I do the things I do? What is my motivations?

Essentially I rather do what is generally considered right than that which is not or which is odd, unusual. What I did at myfather shiva was odd, unusual compared with most. For my mother -- I was silent at funeral (except for the song) and at shiva - quiet and normal. Now with my sister -- I am the last and I may be silent completely. BECAUSE....

I have resentments. I have regrets. I have angers. All those may be viewed as on me... though in several instances they were responses to behaviours directed at me or behaviours not done... for me. AHHH.... me, me, me... When I write and consider what has happened I could emphasize afronts and things done by others... or not done... OR I can try to express what I FELT at the time... Feelings such as being ignored/abandoned, disrespected (the tallit), certainly misunderstood - not heard... alone, lonely, not actively loved... I have a lot of negatives and while there were positives ... I must wonder how many came from Debbie? I know she followed the lead of others (joined at the mom's and dad's hip, so to speak). She wouldn't hear my complaints - no matter how I phrased them ("I" statements may not always have lead the way early on ... LATER???). And after she did listen to me talk about how I was abused --- it turns out she had not idea or sense or recollection of what I experienced. As I have thought... we got raised by different parents in different spaces...

SO - with resentments and lack of shared history or experiences... as we share "blood" what else is there really ... and so what I am doing and why????

AN ANSWER some might think is ... I look to inherit whatever, whenever... In fact first - I don't need anything. Second - cars and other things might prove burdensome in various ways if they came my way. THIRD -- I can imagine a final SLAP by Debbie and parents.... in text of whatever will, etc. 

SO - I do what I do .. keep it to a minium and maybe - just maybe -- I will never see Debbie alive again. Can I live with that --- of course, yes... There is really nothing I have to say or ask AND anything she might say or do will be whatever it will be...She CONTROLS and that is the primary point!

AND tomorrow - Monday - is a new week and I may or may not initiate a check in ... and I want to stop thinking and feeling about this ending... 

It will be another beginning for me! A lonely beginning. A free begining. A beginning without a lot of time SO - what shall I do? ... where? With whom? How... WHEN!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - (SUNDAY -lots of time)CD - Cognitive Dissonance - big AI answer! AND more about me....



AI Overview

AND CLICK HERE FOR MORE


Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actions. This internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements.

Here's a more detailed explanation:
Definition:
Cognitive dissonance is a state of psychological discomfort or tension that arises when a person has conflicting ideas, beliefs, or behaviors.

Causes:
It can occur when a person's behavior conflicts with their beliefs, when they hold two contradictory beliefs simultaneously, or when they learn new information that contradicts their existing beliefs.

Examples:
A person who believes in animal rights but also eats meat might experience cognitive dissonance. A smoker who knows that smoking is harmful but continues to smoke may also experience this discomfort.

Reduction Strategies:
Individuals may reduce cognitive dissonance by changing their beliefs, changing their behavior, or by finding ways to rationalize or justify their actions to make them seem consistent with their beliefs.

Importance:
Understanding cognitive dissonance can help individuals become more aware of their own biases and how they might be influencing their thoughts and actions. It can also help in decision-making, as it highlights the potential for conflicting beliefs to lead to uncomfortable situations.

==================SO ABOUT ME==================
What is my discomfort? What are my beliefs? What new information has come forward - or perhaps in this case what has come forward is new problems ... for Debbie... as I have my problems, too. Where/what is the conflict within me? About what? What bias' do I hold? Am I putting myself into uncomfortable situations? When visiting Debbie? When listening to her -- since she does dominate conversations.

The video...  accompanying/within the link noted at top says: "The most important point: Minimizing discomfort in the mind can be a great motivator." A major way to minimize discomfort is to rationalize the problematic behaviour in some way. The problematic behaviour I am doing is being nice, supportive, etc to my sister while feeling used and disrespected. She doesn't know who I am nor does she really care except with easy to say words. Peer pressure is offered as an example and my peers generally approve of what I am doing and not doing. Good deeds are those that include calling and visiting ... while I am not doing anything to ask Debbie for her acknowledgement and apology for her actions and inactions. I have not done the following which some have suggested... because I can't or won't take on my sides of the questions, assertions:
=====================================
create a bridge.... clean up -- leave things finished... all those unfinished things...
MODERATE  the forgive parts... 

ok to write... just so I can be heard....
                 

THANKS FOR ALL YOU GAVE ME..

I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME

I FORGIVE YOU

I LOVE YOU...

=================

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation that involves saying "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you". It's a way to heal relationships and oneself

=============================

WHAT DO I WANT????!!!????!!!! While I still may get "it"?

What decisions am I making ... and where is any cognitive dissonance? I WOULD SAY... I AM ACTING IN A WAY FOR A WHILE... THAT IS EASIER FOR ME. DO WHAT SEEMS RIGHT... AND SOON THINGS WILL END AND I WILL NOT NEED TO DO ANYTHING MORE. SIMPLE!

The point is... I am making decisions to minimize my exposure to criticism. I wonder (and can list) other decisions/actions I have taken which perhaps were wrong or at least ineffective or destructive or just not useful to me!

2025 Daily - 06/8/2025 - CD followup (SUNDAY -lots of time)

This is written very early on the 8th - actually half past midnight!

To followup CD -- focus?? of my thought(s) on Cognitive Dissonance. First - my feelings are generally in my thinking. In other words - more in my head than in my heart. While that is sad and something to change the point in this moment that I am experiencing thoughts and... feeling that are dissonant in both cases and I have my sister in mind. 

She I have been:

distant, not close

cool - not warm...

estranged - or at least subsumed herself with our parents while I kept distant from parents to protect myself and others from stuff. Debbie stayed on the side of mom and dad and as they wouldn't listen and try to hear ... she also didn't listen or try to hear.

AND - she in her own ways and on her own accord was several times nasty. The tallit and the letter AND she didn't come as invited to my second wedding or to a summer vacation.

SO WHAT AM I DOING AND WHY?

As with many things I act as I think a person, in this case a brother, should act. I call, I visit, I care... from a distance. And I think and feel sure that if circumstances were reversed Debbie would NOT visit, etc... so I harbor at least imagined resentment.

I DO like hearing "I love you" and that love is not demanding. She doesn't need my supportive presence as she has lots of people around her so I am not pressured.

My trust in her speaking truth is quite limited and I am anxous as to how to talk with her and what to discuss... AND when I did tell her about some of the abusive experiences I had she asserted she had no idea. I am amazed... must accept her assertion... and can't help but wonder how that is really and truly possible... 

SO - so so ...!!!! FOCUS??? What do I feel when I focus on my sister and her terrible illness? I anticipate loss AND I am also feeling and thinking about that was lost. SO - I am thinking and feeling about past loss now and soon it is likely total loss will BE. 

LOSS ... all is depressingly lost in time not spent together and time not felt together and time not thought together .... No Real TOGETHERNESS... That is THE RUB! as Shakespeare might put it.

Saturday, June 07, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/7/2025 - cognitive dissonance

I write this early -- about 8am Saturday morning . MAYBE more later... if not tomorrow is another day..

AHHHHH... the concept for today is cognitive dissonance.

from Google AI - a definition.... 

"Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term referring to the discomfort or tension felt when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or behaviors, or when they experience a conflict between their beliefs and their actionsThis internal conflict can cause individuals to experience anxiety and be motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, behaviors, or by finding ways to reconcile the conflicting elements"

Applied to me ... and some issues, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours... - my family is the source of a lot of dissonance! How and if or as I feel is subjected to lots of dissonance. Some ok? Maybe. Dissonance, however, is ever a source of discomfort so the title of the book by Pema Chodron intrigues me and I must read it again soon. The title: Comfortable with uncertainty is applicable to our current political world however HOW DOES IT APPPY TO ME... and to my sister and me? And others and me ... and communities and me? Lots of things to consider!

What changes might I make? Expressions of feelings ... behaviours in community... connections with others....  I HAVE LOTS OF AREAS OF DISCOMFORT...  and therefore uncertainty and anxiety and needs to reconcile, perhaps. Of course what about the others in the "conflicts"? Where are they when it comes to reconciliations and initiating connections? WHY ME FIRST all the time? Or it seems like it is always me initiating connections? I find myself, therefore, the primary guilty party... and I truly have to doubt that!!!!

SR is a prime example! Nothing was really done to her but her judgement of me was clear and absolute and negative and persists. In her case - why would I try to reconcile... since there is nothing for me to address while her unfriendliness and negativity and rigidity are three barriers I don't care to knock my head against.

Others - with whom I have a different history and connection - such as daughters - have been trials and who initiated reconciliations could be seen as shared and for that I feel blessed and grateful. 

And others are quite sure they were in the right .. and I was in the wrong... and for the most part they don't matter. One was intelligent but rigid...

RIGIDITY is significant in my thinking... I have seen myself as flexible to the point of not being clear, certain, disciplined AND sometimes I have found those traits to be good and sometimes not good ... The UNDISCIPLINED part in particular. And my clarity on issues has too often been clear relative to the last thing I read, heard, learned. A bit under-analyzed or something.

And now .. I end writing to dress and head to Walnut Creek.





Friday, June 06, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/6/2025 - Oh Israel...!!! LIBERAL!!!! and antisemitism.

I began writing this a day ahead - and have thought about it more and edited it some today on the 6th and then I've published it here. AND then - it may be the source of other writings elsewhere. Herein are  one or more of THE controversies of my days...

ONE:

A THOUGHT - Creative ...NEW: In the United States we Jews might do well to begin a new movement to add to Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstruction, other... The NEW movement would be called The Liberal Movement. - although this IS a name often associated with Reform. That association is very strong in England although it is currently fading into a movement to be known there as The Progressive Movement.

Perhaps another word instead of Liberal might be found HOWEVER ---- too often and in too many spheres of groupings of people the word "liberal" is considered a negative! Where are the US political liberals? We have conservatives and progressives but to be a liberal is often, it seems to me, a negative/bad thing. I DIFFER!!! Being LIBERAL is (w)right-on! It is definitively inclusive and thoughtful and wondrous. It is modern and it is immediately humane.

The sense of "liberal" might be well described and asserted as a way of being and places to be where all people are accepted and where understanding and acceptance is all on radically solid ground. It is a bit passive and thus differs from those who actively want things to be different - either by going backwards to some sort of utopia or forward to some other kind of utopia. While it has been said (Oscar Wilde) that a map without a land of utopia listed is not worth having as a way to see the world... the reality for most poeple is -WE ARE ALL HERE AND NOW... generally! So many people do not really travel very far from home - either as tourists or emmigants/immigrants. A "liberal" place would be ACCEPTING.. People could come and go. People could return to the past or build a future - of their choosings in an environment which would be curious and wondering and supportive. Yes - support neighbors who leave or new people who arrive. Yes support rituals from the past and spirituality of the present and visions of the future. 

AHHH... LIBERALS!!  For Jews -- no more "wandering" but living in our places in peace with all others. "Others" would be full of wonders rather than sources of anxiety. 

Some details for USA Jewish Liberals... Rabbinical - or better yet a Talmud-based Judaism.

Places for Zionists - this is currently a significant issue! and places for non-Zionists (??? anti-Zionists")

A place for Rabbinic Jews and non-Rabbinic Jews (Karaites) and others... as well as non-deists/atheists who are culturally Jewish.  And?? Messianich Jews?? (wasn't one of the two young people recently killed a Messianic Jews?). AND??? - Jews-for-Jesus???

Places in sanctuaries where men and women can sit together AND where they can sit separately, too.

Places to eat where foods are kosher, kosher style (non-kosher certified meats and other foods), and non-kosher (no pork or shellfish but yes to cheeseburgers and meat not slaughtered by a Shochet).

Hebrew and English (and other vernaculars) used - perhaps simultaneously.

Varieties of music

Various behaviors allowed that might not be accepted in some other movements - such as writing notes and making electical sparks, etc...

Celebrate old and new holidays.

Matrilineal AND Patrilineal descent accepted!

MORE???

=========================

TWO:

All above began as I was thinking about how we Jews can address the issues of the war between Israel and Hamas... or is the war against Gaza or against Gazans or against Palestinians? The way Jews can address what is going on now for almost two years is fraught with severe difficulties relative to humanitarian aspects. It is really difficult, if not wrong, to work towards ethnic cleansing which is different from genocide. What is happening is not genocide and ethnic cleansing need not be happening HOWEVER -- Hamas/Gazans have authorized ethnic cleansing and genocide against Israelies and Jews and so we have a situation of potentially reciprocal mass destruction. And there is the Goliath vs David scenario which in the 1950's was the Arab Goliath vs the Israel David but is now reversed and Israel seems to be the big Goliath and Gazans are the little David. The analogy is not right when we look at the history of that picture and the original Goliath was part of an aggressive nation while Israel both as a little David and a big powerful Davis is fighting a defensive war. 

How do Jews demonstrate? How can we raise banners supporting the defense of Israel when Israel appears to be more powerful? Why are the hostages held by terrorists also holding all Jews hostages to accusations of the response to Hamas being too much! What mathematics allows terrorists to carry on aggressions with relative immunity ... as long as their rockets are ineffective and few Israelis are killed. Before the massacre of Oct. 7th, 2023 - who lived in fear? Gazans were not attacked regularly while rockets, etc ... were rained on Israel daily! It was fear that required Israellis to live with bomb shelters and to to them regularly. The underground tunnels Hamas built were not for defense but were used to mount offensives at Israel. They were not to protect Gazans but there were meant to be bases for aggression. The destruction of those tunnels and the deaths of so many people who live near those tunnels and other infrastructures used for aggression is both necessary to do and hard to look at as destruction is not comfortable to see.

We rather see growth and production and building up. I hope someday Gaza will be able to build and live... And there is the connundrum for all Jews, Israelis, and peoples of the world... How do we stop the destruction and get to the building? 

At the base of the issue is power and hate. When Arabs thought they had the power they attacked Israel. Now when Israel has power Arabs want peace. The HATE persists and I would say it started more on the Arab side but now may be on the Israeli side. At the beginning - Israelis and Jews may have had disrespect for Arabs ... maybe not... but  hate was not included in the hearts of Jews.

NOTE: it is VERY difficult to separate the people known as Israeil from people known as Jews. In some cases the two are absolutely the same and sometimes not however a general, popular, simple view is that Jews and Israelis are one and so anti one is easily anti the other and thus we come to ANTISEMETISM! 

It has not mattered historically if Jews were good or bad or strong or weak or poor or rich -- no matter what Jews were subjected to oppressive laws and feelings everywhere. The most egrisious examples may have been not in the United States but even here there were convenants against Jews living or working or playing or learning in lots of elite places.. Things may seem good, better, the best now -- but not really! Appearances are often deceaving and just as racism is hidden the hate of Jews is hidden, too. Jews may be able to hide themselves from scrutiny more easily then people of color but when "outed" things are as bad for Jews as they are for other "others".

THE PROBLEM for soooooo many is RIGIDITY. The great divides in politics and society is enforced, solidified by the opinions we rigidly hold. Change is difficult! Our opinions and holding to them make us who we are... and give us and others certainties... and certainty and the security that comes with certainty is what makes us COMFORTABLE...    and who doesn't want to be comfortable.

ADDITIONALLY - ???? - no more today, probably... Tomorrow is Shabbat and if I write it will be in the evening after morning services, lunch w/Sarah relative to Father's Day, a drink, and finally a Chorus program in Berkeley at Freight and Salvage... Looking forward to it!!!!

Thursday, June 05, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/5/2025 - and population explosion...

 It is early on this day, the 5th. Later Sarah will be in town and we will have dinner (at Lil Shu) before my chorus concert of: Considering Matthew Shepard ... at Mondavi. Big deal the concert!

Note: Yesterday was a good day and hanging w/Ellen was nice.

In other news/stuff -- My sister my sister.... I wonder. Did not hear anything yesterday. Plans to see her have changed.... shortened and put off a few days - as she requested from her hospital bed where they are clearing a blockage to get her better.

In my garden -- irrigation is better in back. Probably good in front -- I need to set. Hummingbird feeders are attracking hummingbirds! And barbecue grill is working easily.  A lot of THANKS to Nate.

I need to get back into practicing piano and carry on with the writings (stories and two-ways of thinking essays). AND TRAVEL -- where to ???? A road trip is high in my thoughts -- up to Oregon (Shakespear)  and Washington (Olympic National Park) OR - to various state parks since the nationals may be understaffed and closed??!!!

And - workout and/or a walk today? Breakfast ( a sandwich with a walk?)? A second cup of coffee? AND - today's weigh-in was good....maybe next week I can get into the 60's!!!!!

============================================

Today I have already begun writing something for tomorrow... mostly about Israel and antisemitsm ...HOWEVER - a headline inside the NYTimes today noted that Vietnam was ending ITS one-child policy so as to increase its population which is in decline. I WONDER WHY...  Where is the alternatives to bring down the number of people on this planet who are consuming limited resources.... !!!!

In my opinion there will be a limit to the population the planet w/science can support for lives that have a reasonable quality. Yes - Quality of Life issue! In my opinion when that limit is truly reached there will be a catastrophic response such as war, famine, pandemic, etc.. The alternative is to find some way to PEACEFULLY bring the population down. And why can't we?

We can't, I think, because we have systems in place that depend on increasing populations of young people to support older people. Social Security is an/the example. The Social Security system made sense when it was inaugerated as it came into being suddenly and getting work going for lots of people during the depression and having their work go directly into supporting their elders then and later it would support them made a lot of sense ... But the anaugeral reasons and the pressures of longer life spans and less youthful fertility is cause for looking at the issues of taking care of all people's basic needs in a new and different way that is sustainable and planet/climate friendly.

If there were fewer people consuming fewer resources I can only imagine that would be good. Forests might renew themselves. Agricultural fields might renew themsevles. Fewer animals would need feed and stuff. Energy use would be lowered and polution from power plants reduced. Less fresh water needed ... AND IN GENERAL we could fix our various infrastructures. As for the production of durable goods we might turn more of that work over to machines and the general balance between what is produced and consumed could be balanced. With appropriate balance the massive amount of wealth of entrepreneurs would drop since supply and demand would better match and prices could be more reasonable. THE point - why more population to make more... let automation help out. THEN - leasure time becomes available .. and that is a problem since being productive has more meaning than being at leasure and conuming. 

SO - the path to lowering population includes making leasure time productive and having production more done by machines run by a smaller workforce.  REAL PROBLEM QUESTIONS!!!


2025 Daily - 06/4/2025 - day after

 ah... forgot again to write... THIS is a report on yesterday/today -- Took Rachel to Costco after a good workout and then went out w/Ellen in Clayton where we went to Hannah Nicole winery and had a good tasting of pretty good wine! Then had dinner at Il Fornio in Walnut Creek... A very good day!

Tuesday, June 03, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/3/2025 - bookclub, wikipedia, and Zionism, too

 Today - bookclub - All the pretty horses...

And talked about last Thursday's Jewish Heritage Festival in Davis where I did not see any Israeli flags nor colors associated with Israel or Judaism. I personally was there only a short time so I cannot say if there were any visible signs this was a Jewish event except perhaps for some music and some foods.

I just checked Wikipedia for corrections I am trying to introduce to the article: Torah. ALSO I checked the page Zionism -- looking for some history and found some stuff in the first paragraph that was disturbing and not politically correct and in fact slanted and not really correct or to the main point of what is Zionism. More, perhaps, later!

THE QUESTION ABOUT ZIONISM: Is the term Zionism no longer THE term to use? Should another term be found to describe the defense of The State of Israel? A fact: Israel is under constant attack from outside its borders! There seem to be few terrorist attacks coming from within Israel. Most recently Gaza was not ruled by Israel and when it received resources those resources were significantly, if not wholly, used to make war and terrorism. In other words - the sovereign state of Gaza attacked, almost constantly for the 20 years since internal control was turned over to residents,  the State of Israel. Really - for 20 years - there has been a de facto State of Gaza and that state has been waging war against the State of Israel. I and perhaps others will always wonder what would have happened if instead of Gaza using resources for war they had built up an economy in peaceful way? Could Israel have lowered its blocking potential and probable and REAL shipments of hostile agressive armaments and other supplies?

There are people who are not Zionists who support the State of Israel. What might we call them? IF/when we call them Jews we invite the blurring of the lines between anti-Israel and anti-semitism. 

Monday, June 02, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/2/2025 - movies/binged tv

 It is 9pm... And this is a report/list of stuff I've seen on MAX/HBO...

Started because I choose not to rent the first movie listed but take a month of MAX...

The Brutalist

Station 11

2073

Flow

Another Earth....

a couple of Avenue 5 episodes - not sure I will continue. Might

AND I've been watching on Prime:

Haven

Bosch Legacy

A little Norther Exposure...

WEIRD STUFF -- a lot of end of world stuff. NOW, after Another Earth - do I feel a bit better? A bit on the other side of depressing stuff such as my sister's condition, democracy, etc etc... MAYBE!


Sunday, June 01, 2025

2025 Daily - 06/1/2025 - remembered!

Ahhhh... here I am -- it is 8:30am. Texted w/sister, talked w/Steve ... Hospital stay seems to be getting Debbie better since they have found a blockage and getting it cleared. Very tough!!! And for me sad and depressing in its reality. Soon I will be more alone - again?! 

Do miracles happen? ONLY after the fact do we know if something out of the ordinary really has happened and until then - can't know.

Last night ... finished bing watching (something I really don't do) - "Station 11" a mostly sad, depressing vision of the near future after a massively destructive pandemic which I think got a start, according to a momentary reference in the show to a flu what would eliminate famine... which the/a pandemic can do! It was on my current subsciption to HBO/Max which I got so I could watch The Brutalist. The show Stations 11 moves around into time periods and is sometimes confusing. Ultitately I guess it ends with hope... or at least a future for most protagonists.

Later today - a workout, a concert w/Davis Chorale, some rehearsing, a Shavuot party... but NOW: off to fill the hummingbird feeders.

Maybe more later...

And now it is later...Concert went well. I didn't go to Shavuot thing... felt under a cloud and socializing was not likely to be comfortable... for me or others.

BBQ'd some veggies and steaks... will have beef for a couple of days - I can add to salad.

Hummingbirds looking happy... have found the re-filled feeders. Several seem to know about this location. 

Watched some more on Max -- a movie - 2073 which was more a documentary about today - in the way An Inconvenient Truth as a documentary and the space comedy... Avenue 5... Which was ok... I need to watch a bit more... Lots of annoying characters. The other day watched Mickey 17 -- very strange!!!

Saturday, May 31, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/31/2025 - not skipped - ADDED to previous

 Today's early morning thought... relative to anti-semetism and academic freedom - and left vs right...

Two thoughts to add to previous day's list of topics:

How do you fight the beatable foe... etc.... from Man of La Mancha songs...

and

What are core values the right and left share - so they can stand together on common ground?

and...

???? How can that which seems horrible be defended? ... i.e. the Oct. 7th Massacare and the ensuing war in/on Gaza? Where is the end? How does it stop? How is real peace to be achieved?


SO MUCH to write about what I think... with some hope of influencing those who are ENTRENCHED... And that is THE problem... being Entrenched, having decided.. for all time... No Atonements/apologies possible!!!!

Friday, May 30, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/30/2025 - another skip..STORIES to write

 Another skipped day.... It is now about 6PM and I've remembered to write ... and the laptop was nearbye ... so here I am.. 

This morning on Today show.. Reverse Bucket List idea... What have I done that I am proud of... AND SO - I have a few stories... to list which should be written up;

story of hat in scandanavia - done... 5/31/25

Fisher - Norway and Finland - done 5/31/25

story of hitchiking in Florida ... w/Betsy

the library reopening for picnic day... my passion....

the first camping days at Emigrant Lake/Ashland, OR

Canada instances -- hitchiking, wedding, Calgary, daughters

first black people I become aware of... Brooklyn when I was about 5 years old

hitchiking to Binghamton... a few stories... - police in NJ, jail in city, girls along the way..

Miller Branch - holding it... !!!! - with dances and talent shows... and very good staff....

Taking Amy back to see Grandma Langer when she was only about two months old...

Another person's story... father talking me back into Harpur College....

Marriages .. proposals, ceremonies, parties... DIVORCES..., too....

Nude massage at Esalin

Singing in the subways ... before, after All City HS Chorus rehearsals... ALL THOSE black folks! Easy, nice, good, regular... normal... 

In car talk w/Ed?? - asexual guy who was homosexual... had a boyfriend problem... similar to me bringing home a non-Jewish fiance... perhaps???

Kol Nidre .. w/Libby.... once upon a time...

My cats ... Nonomme who stopped, Chase ..??, others....



DO ALL THE STORIES... have a point, a moral, a message???!!!!



Wednesday, May 28, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/28/2025

 Again... I have left days go by without writing... Well - maybe nothing much happening - of nothing new?

Today, I just watched: Mickey 17 

A wierd film. I had few expectations and where the film went and presented was WILD! Cool? Full of things to consider - life, death, leadership, expectations, oppression, slavery, extermination.... more!? Identity (the two Mickeys, love, ....

Thats all - it is late. SOON - maybe when I return from trip??? - back into both piano and writing....

Sunday, May 25, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/25/2025

 SO I am writing today today! At least I am here online and getting something done.

Talked w/Cindy who was with my sister and then talked with my sister, too. Things ok... 

Later I expect to zoom/googleMeet with Marie, Holly, and Vic ... folks from the Portugal trip.

AND - I may go to a free Acme play production this evening which again has me thinking about the play: The Unknown Soldier and his wife.... 

It is about noon.. and I've paid a bill and made a contribution and read the newspapers that have piled up. David Brooks on the economy and something about so-called anti-semetic Jews... being called out by Christians.... Dangerous! 

And now -- off to workout - maybe walk over!!!!! Then something for lunch (OH... I made a brocolli salad!)... and some gardening, too, I hope.

Til later, maybe -----------------------------------------------------

2025 Daily - 05/24/2025 - a day later

 Well... it is really Sunday the 25th ... but let me write about yesterday. Went to shul. On way talked for quite a while with sister. She may be not so ok....  Real rollercoaster of pain. 

Shul was good as usual. Rabbi had some things to say about killings of Jewish diplomats this past week and I must say i think he was more upset at this time than is usual for him. SOOO much shit this past couple of years w/hostages and anti-semetism....

Ellen and I went to a movie (Thunderbolts - a newish Marvel Universe thing). Then at her home had some wine and cheese and a pasta dish she put together -- very tasty and quickly made ... NICE. Then we watched a little of The Brutalist... had our first two kisses... and I went home. AOK. Will see her again next Saturday!


Friday, May 23, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/23/2025

Well - quite a hiatus from writing... but here I am back.... After a morning Rotary meeting which I will discuss below... BUT first - What Are My PASSIONS... or PASSION? Long ago I felt CONSERVATION was THE THING... Conserve land, conserve plants and animals, conserve RITUALS and relate things to rituals and ways of thinking and behaving .. that were GOOD... ALSO - the idea of ZPG appealed to me over the years as Zero Population Growth would/could mean easier paths to varietes of conservation. TODAY I feel the same, generally, with a big difference and that difference is - how do we contract population while improving the quality of life for all???!!!

We always seem to want to INCREASE everything. Grow production, grow energy resources, grow worker numbers - i.e. grow population ... And this morning -- grow the number of children entering our schools in Davis, CA.... From this mornings program... some notes/thoughts? 

===================

so -- I have heard calls in past years for subsidies for teachers and other city workers so they can live in the locals they serve...
NOW - would we like to have subsidies for households to have children... etc...
What about The Population Explosion -- which has been contained but will it be for ever sustainable?
What specifically do we lose if Enrollment goes down?
library programs
music programs
robotic programs
sports programs

=======================

So - what will we do? What can we do? How could all the good things about our school system continue while enrollment drops!?

AND at the meeting I think I heard it said -- we were losing Six MILLION dollars a year due to truancy. How could that be recovered? How many truant officers needed to bring back how many absentee students and what would be the cost/benefit?

AND 

What about busing students... in other words consolidating some schools from around the county and maybe from other counties... to shore up enrollment and school revenue? 

Efficiencies that come with size are questionable... yet increasing enrollments are addressing SIZE... ALSO - what cuts could be made to the DJUSD that would not impact instruction? 

Wouldn't smaller classroom size, i.e. fewer students in each class ... be advantageous to learning?

The issue at some point is: QUANTITY vs QUALITY....

Finally - what models of experience are there around the country, world... where declining enrollments proved to be positive?

MY PASSION... Reverse Population Growth... RPG!!! How can that be done with good economics!!! By good economics I mean many paths for all/most people to a good quality of life! Turn away from economics as The Dismal Science and instead ... economics as The Balancing Science... balancing Needs with Wants relative to Abilities.

Friday, May 16, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/16/2025

 Slow day... awoke early and was tired a lot during day.

Went to Rotary and announced my concert on June 5th... as happy bucks

Got together w/Steve ... wide ranging subjects.

Refilled hummingbird feeders and put up two new ones just purchased.

Talked w/Sarah ... and offered her a hummingbird feeder or two.

Now it is about 5:30 and I'm off to Friday night dinner... w/Neal. Tonight - Mexican at: Tres Hermanas. (three sisters)



Thursday, May 15, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/15/2025 - stuff and being together...?? and libraries....

 About to prepare for audition... It should/will happen today...!

Also - in thinking about Northern Lights trip -- they are charging a full fare additional as I consider traveling alone ... I think,... so - that is on hold....

Looking at OAT for Morocco ... followed by Northern Lights, perhaps... if I find a travel partner!!!! Maybe ???? ....????

Work around house will progress soon... Nate due here on Monday for BBQ and maybe fence and then if I get home and he is still here... Kitchen stuff and maybe back AND front irrigation fixes. AND consider him doing a pergola/thingy on back of house, too!!!

YES -- on my mind --- more comfort at home. Fact is -- backyard needs to be fixed!!!!

And then in house -- paint and fix bathroom - floor and/or shower. At least bathroom is functioning! And house painting can wait... but it would be nice to pick colorS and get painting done for FRESHNESS.

AS FOR PERSONAL STUFF....

I really wonder about partnering in future. Living together? Marriage? Traveling together? PASSION!? Feelings!! AHHHH.... feelings - I have feelings but as noted yesterday I generally rountinely and with a minimum of feelings proceed through my day. Just doing the regular day to day with not a lot of sadness or joy... Just in NEUTRAL. And that brings up point made: The Content Go To Hell.... IF TRUE - I'd better stop being relatively content... If in fact I am content? Maybe just muddling through and basically keeping IT together. 

=========================================

books, ideas. -- 

books -- a ticket for you freedom ...FOR ME - SciFi -- and futures that are utopian and dystopian ... and really real... with technologies and social ways... etc etc... YES - what are my books? Pebble in the sky; heinlein books... - stranger in a stange land; Day after tomorrow (aka as The 6th Column)....and others... though his right wing leanings/militarism - near? fascism ...is not for me...

BIG DIVIDE in AMERICA--- literacy vs illiteracy ... and of course... what can be read? 

Banned books... controversial ... disturbing... revolutionay!!!!

Women's rights.. racial equality... etc etc... BUT Women First... in the show -- Independent Len's -- "Free for all: The Public Library".

Mary Ann Shaw -- donated her inheritance to Queens Pubic Library... after she founded it...   A black women...!!!

A thought... Bibliotherapy --- at its most basic, original, early use ... to help people overcome ISOLATION... connect with the stories of others - here, there, now, then... etc. For me - remember -- Sci Fi -- the future!!!!

First bookmobile... Lutie .. Stearns

AND the FIRST QUESTION -- why is questioning good? Does it bring good in all areas? What are the problems w/questioning?

In the south ... The Faith Cabin Libraries....

What were the schools that were like that???? There were the Rosenwald School Project... maybe that is what I am recalling...

an important perosn: Ernestine Rose....







Wednesday, May 14, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/14/2025 - w/self-philosophy/awareness note

 Good morning ... about to call Hurtigruten and consider a trip to Arctic for Northern Lights.

I've pretty much completed constructing the trellis -- all except for netting which may or may not be necessary or may yet go on ... 

Surfed Facebook ... sent some recipes to me and other posts to friends. Political posts. These days are hard, dangerous, confusing, worrisome, bad.... YET the Stock Market continues to go up this week. Rather dramatically. Will the other shoe fall?

Big afternoon coming up ... lunch w/Andrew, seeing Jim, a call with hospice coordinator, and then... a elliptical workout (unless I do that in morning, might). And practice for chorus audition (Yesterday was not audition day... tomorrow is...). And then ?? a talk w/new person as per April/jdate???

BTW - sister is having good feelings relative to wig and stuff.

And got work about change/end of yolo care Companion program. But I will continue.

As for Hurtigruten -- seems like there is no currently available NoSingleSuppliment for what I want. I will wait to later in year. And/or find another place and time for some travel.

===================================

At visit w/Jim... I came to the idea... most people live each day without reference to joy or suffering. (I guess suffering gets more attention since pain is more noticeable)... THE POINT.. each of us have a joyful CHARACTER to use the language of Stanley McCristol... ret. General .. and I would say then each of us may then live in the lovely bubble we imagine.... I NOTED ... for myself - that each day I personally do NOT feel joy or suffering... I am just a regular person living a regular/regulated life ... and if I think about it... I find myself FINE, OK, good..... And free and able to come and go pretty much where and when I want.... What I often call ROUTINE... is my REGULATED life. I have made some choices about that and at the moment - AOK... or is it? 

For what do I YEARN???? Really? WHAT DO I WANT??? I could say Love. I could say a Hug. I could say someone to touch and be touched by... Someone to talk to/with... Someone lie next to me and hold me and allow me to hold them.... Even as such holding has seemed difficult to me... after some time I want/need to move my arm! Perhaps I should have cared enough to stay up all night in a personally uncomfortable position so as not to disturb my partner???? Truly I am sure I could have loved and been loved and felt love and loved... better than I did. Hard to know for sure.... Did I fail to give and get and reciprocate appropriately or did I not notice the love or lack of love that came my way? I must say that is seems to me if both parties -- or even just one ... agreed to love and accept love... wouldn't that be loverly! It's all I want.... in a room somewhere.. far away from the cold night air ...  AAaaaaaaa - to be taken care of... AND to take care of someone else!!!! (Which was a think denied to me once)

The words, completely are:

from My Fair Lady"

Song by Julie Andrews ‧ 1956
… It's rather dull in town,I think I'll take me to Paree.Mmmmmm.The mistress wants to open upThe castle in Capri.Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea!Mmmm, Mmmm, wouldn't it be loverly?
… All I want is a room somewhere,Far away from the cold night air.With one enormous chair,Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.I would never budge 'till springCrept over me windowsill.Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,Warm an' tender as 'e can be.'ho takes good care of me,Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly


2025 Daily - 05/13/2025

 Prepped house for houscleaning. Had a nice 35-40 minute walk with Ava.... the talker. Visited w/Rachel and went to banks and Save Mart. Saw Andrew while at bank, got check, and made plans for lunch tomorrow... at Ethiopian restaurant. Heard from jdate matchmaker and await hearing when I might converse with her suggestion. 

AND - still practicing for audition ... later today. 

A workout is yet to be done... maybe very very soon. It is now about noon. Will go around 1pm...  

I must say -- stock market is soaring since some "peace" made w/China. My body weight went down ... I hope it continues to drop! Cardiology consult set. AND thinking about Norway 

(above was written on the 13th -- posted later since I forgot to publish - and now onto the 14th)

Monday, May 12, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/12/2025

 ahhhh..... it is "early" in the day -- abvout 9am now. Services were short and they are now done. A good start to my day! 

I have had one cup of coffee and will have another. 

Rain today?!!!! surprising.  Earlier in morning ... patches of blue sky now developing!

Stock market soaring on news of trade deal w/China. Nice... but is this secured? Certain? Or subject to whimsical changes from a unstable leader?

The times they are (too constantly) changing...!

In my plans for June travel.... I wonder - should I adjust them again and try to see Priscilla and Robin? And Diane? Probably not Diane. And if I do not see the N.Carolinaians ... should I finally make a visit to Miller Branch in Jersey City? IDEAS.....

Sunday, May 11, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/11/2025

 it is sunday at about 8:30pm.... Nice day. Worked out, did some gardening - specifically began constructing the grape arbor/support/pergola.... Going well. Looked at some irrigation issues in front -- that still needs work and the back system needs consideration and discussion w/Gil .. maybe not using him for that... etc. etc.. Also refilled hummingbird feeders and ordered some new ones to expand my setup for them. 

About to talk w/Sherry who lives in Walnut Creek area - goes to Temple Isaiah which I think is in Livermore and is where Roy went/goes... AND -- talked w/Sherry and the plan is to meet and take a walk... at about 1pm... Saturday.. She is a  Rossmore Resident...! And was born in Brooklyn - in Williamsburg area...

Practicing for audition for the Mathew Shepard piece. I guess I am hoping .. though anxious and well... not sure my voice is good enough... BUT - I will let conductor decide if I am good enough and then I will try.. .try... try... to do it right!!!

Watched a few NCIS's.... 


AND ABOUT FORTUNOFFS...

1922

Warren G. Harding was President. The Lincoln Memorial was dedicated and King Tut's tomb was discovered. The N.Y. Giants defeated the N.Y. Yankees to win the World Series.... 
And in Brooklyn, Max and Clara Fortunoff opened the doors of their neighborhood housewares store. Here was a store with a real difference: a vast selection of quality merchandise, attentive sales clerks, and remarkably low prices. These attributes, which have become hallmarks of the company, not only turned the store into a Brooklyn landmark, but soon led to eight Fortunoff shops, all located under the elevated subway on Livonia Avenue. Max and Clara were joined in business by their children, Alan, Marjorie, and Lester.


Saturday, May 10, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/10/2025

 had a date... w/Ellen and went to movie: The Amateur. Nice time and pretty good movie. Ellen is pretty nice.

This after services, conversation w/sister, etc..

Sister also sent chat pictures of herself with the wig.. Looked good.


Friday, May 09, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/9/2025

well - looks like i missed writing yesterday.

today - here i am - late and tired

i did begin rehearsing for solo---movement 7 ... I'm The Fence!!!

yesterday, last night - went to a movie about homeless in west sac... interesting ... a short movie - with lots of filler time before and an unprepared panel after

today - a bit of a workou

AND -- gardening... built the tomato cages... and checked into some watering issues in front. More for Sunday -- as well as putting together the support system for grape vines.

also - cleaned in the garage a little... 

A good day... with some productivity.

Had dinner w/Neal, lit candles for Shabbat...

watched film - Israelism -- which was disturbing, to say the least.

OH YES ... and changed travel plans to add in a trip to NYC.

Wednesday, May 07, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/7/2025 - certainty, love, democracy

 IF I were a country considering a deal on tariffs or anything... with the USA - I wouldn't trust the deal would be honored for more than moments. Moments go by and things change and the reasons for change are currently in only one mind...at least relative to tariffs and various agreements. There is NO STABILITY OR CERTAINTY under the current president who changes his mind as often if not more often than he changes his socks. HE cannot be trusted and at this time Congress has delegated to him powers that they should exercise with due diligence. Treaties, agreements, deals... are impossible under such a situation.

AND relative to the coming end to our democracy ... we are a democracy that has been based on shared powers and a balancing of those powers. As Congress has given away its significant power of the purse they have stopped doing their jobs and should be ashamed and blamed for the consequences. To Be Sure - it is the Republican Congress that is to blame and who is to be ashamed. There is now a Tyranny of the Majority and that majority is only of those who voted. 

A thought: Our currency's motto is: "In G-d we trust". It is not trustworth in the current climate ruled by one person who is clearly not trustworth personally or professionally.

The issue is why people didn't vote! I, for one, have not viewed my choices as between two bad options. The 2024 election was on one level a choice between hate, retribution and selfishness on one hand and on the other hand love, peace, and generosity. Unfortunately hate is so often stronger as it is also intimidatingly scary. Also unfortunately love is costly and also since unrequited love hurts, love is difficult. It is easier to hate than to love, imho. Hate is often simply directed at narrow issues while love has many broad complicated options - or so it seems.

We can hate with certainty or we can love with hope. And hopes are often not fully achieved while hate can certainly harm and kill.

Tuesday, May 06, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/6/2025

 Ah.... Tuesday and its early evening. I'm watching basketball... Warriors vs Minn.... Near the end of the second period and things going pretty well though Curry may be hurt. Green is doing terrifically - lots of 3's!!!

Went to an anti-semitism program which during the short time I was there... it was very unbalanced. I hope to get a tape of the full talks... to see. 

Rehearsal was good.. Good workout earlier. Bookclub was interesting and a short visit w/Rachel. 

AOK... otherwise.. I have begun an essay ... A hope for peace... Will get back to that soon/later.

Now -- wondering about something to do w/Ellen in Clayton.... this weekend. Movie? Walk? Dinner?

Monday, May 05, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/5/2025

 5/5 - Cinqo de Mayo... - I think I will be missing the food thing today. OH WELL... tomorrow maybe...  I am over lunch this afternoon and by the time my chorus rehearsal is done all places in town that serve Mexican food appear to be closing at 8:30. 

Today has bee nice... morning services, a zoom workshop, a good workout, Jim at Carlson, some reading and then soon the bereavement program and then Davis Chorale. Tomorrow - bookclub discussion of Transatlantic. A good book about Irish lives.  And finally - call to Ellen and see what we might do in future.

and ... Sherry ??? And ....!!!??

Sunday, May 04, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/4/2025

 star wars day..... worked out, went to orangevale for concert by cantor bernstein.. that's all.... 

Saturday, May 03, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/3/2025

well today was funky.... got up and didn't feel great but went to walnut creek and then felt hot and icky and went home. Had to cancel a date... Ellen was quite gracious. Donated tickets back to SF Jazz Center. Spent time in afternoon watching some tv, reading, sleeping. Resting. Feeling a bit better. There is the continuing pain in hip area which I attribute to the long standing at the rehearsal last Friday night. Will not subject myself to that again! It seems to be getting a bit better. I hope!

Spoke to my sister as usual on drive to services. She sounded very good!

It is almost 6pm ... I am going to watch some tv, then read... Will have dinner sometime this evening. I wish I had a real plan for a road trip! Do I need a new car? Or must new tires? To be continued!


================and a HOLD------------------

Dueling Dualities

War and Peace == can’t have one without the other.. Love and Marriage…

Yin and Yang…

And an existential view… much more than just two ways in opposition. More like a Great Continuum...


Friday, May 02, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/2/2025 - tariffs, resources... reliability

 

So -- went to Rotary on zoom this morning -- ok.... a ecology quiz and thanks from Ukraine students for scholarships... THEN: onto a yolo reliance morning/afternoon program -- did some meditation, tapping, and art... and breathing and a sound thing... ALL good for SELF-CARE...

Then - listened to economic news on radio and was reminded of my thought/question about tariffs and about foreign resources....

SO - about tariffs - the problems with the Trump Tariffs (TT's) are two fold. One is their effect on consumer prices and the other is the effect of his action whims make us unreliable partners. NO agreement is sure. No treaties are certain. The question is: does he have the constitutional power OR has he been delegated that power by Congress? IF so -- can Congress take that back and would that restore our credibility now and in the future?

About foreign resources... the general thought about cheap inports is that they are based on poor working conditions and poorly paid workers. However another/additional factor is that raw materials are being imported and their costs are lower that ours because of labor costs and maybe also because that is what certain countries can export and pricing is competitive as well as based on labor costs. A point is... take lumber for an example: we import lumber at a good price while supposedly/HOPEFULLY - growing our own lumber for some future when foreign(imported) lumber is exhausted!!! Good for us .. right? Oil is similar. Our reserves are in the ground while we take/buy oil from other countries until theirs is exhausted... Good for us... right? OUR exports are somewhat renewable...?? - maybe -- i.e. crops grown each year and while they may exhaust our soil ... maybe we are able to maintain soil quality with fertilizers and crop rotations, etc.. 

Back to reliability ... we really must restore our honor and reputation! A good name... is primary!

Thursday, May 01, 2025

2025 Daily - 05/1/2025 - build or destroy?

 May Day - May Day.... and it is the 100 day point (or yesterday was) of the 2nd term of the Great Deal Maker... who has found it easy - as all do - to tear down... It is always hard to build up... Especially in politics where there are committees and compromises and consensi... which need to work together. The common good is in need of some common sense, I'd say.

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

2025 Daily - 04/30/2025 - The Extremes need to declare PEACE

 There are many things to consider .. First ... Shakespear suggests the first thing to do ... is kill all the lawyers. That is questionably what Trump might support or not. I think he would support killing those who have sued him, etc... Retribution!!!

However - killing is hardly ever the solution to anything. War end when killing ends. Capital punishment has not been shown to be a deterrant. SO - what should be done FIRST?

FIRST we must understand and define and state the problem. Many say that writing down the problem often gets you very very close to solving the problem... SO - I say here -- EXTREMISM needs to be understood with the FIRST POINT being - there are always extremes to consider in politics and politics touches everything. The same can be said for religions, And - races and nationalities, etc.SO - what I think is needed is to STOP EXCEPTING THE EXTREME POSITIONS....  Find THE MIDDLE.. Find CONSENSUS... 

THE question is: what is extreme? I guess some people's extreme is not seen by them as such. We will/do see the extreme in the "other" though and easily, too, right?  Besides -- if we are not discussing/talking how will we know where are the edges, the extremes, the redlines?

What if consensus cannot be found? I think acceptance and/or tolerance needs to be applied and for the extremists let them live on the fringes and policing their needs for dominance are what governments need to do. My view of evolution is:

children as the basis for human couples - lead by parent

couples as the basis for human families - lead by elders

families as the basis for tribes = lead by chiefs

tribes as the basis for religious groupings - lead by priests

religious groupings for the basis of nation states - lead by kings, queens, presidents, etc.

nation states for the basis of ?????

AND each group takes precedence over the previous groups. The later groups rule the current and previous groups -- AND RULING is done always with the essential consent of the people being ruled and if consent ebbs than the system collapses and falls back onto the previous grouping's control. Democracy is best preserved by PLURALISM.... The balancing of the needs of the many individuals and the many groups that are governed. Extremists are among the groups and they have individuals, too. SO - all must learn to live .. if not together than at least IN PEACE....

The ONE THNG that is essential for society, civilization, etc.. to work is PEACE. 

So - DECLARE PEACE!!!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

2025 Daily - 04/29/2025 - war, war, war.... NOT

 SO -- politics... on my mind...

one: how do you prepare for peace? VS how do you prepare for war? -- Both the same in a complex diverse world where anything can happen on or around your borders?!

two: I read a couple of things about Trump ... since it is the 100 day point of his regime... and a thought that is on my mind is... WAR... Some of suggested a civil war could develop since our country is so divided. Another scenerio -- A WORLD WAR... which some might say has begun with the TRADE WAR... and the way to end any war is for the primary aggressor to be defeated. I am afraid to say ... it seems that Trump is the primary aggressive leader. In his first term he bombed in Syria which I thought at the time was a breach of International Law. Now the Trade War is his personally declared war with tarriffs and the harm to so many people everywhere is, I think, not balanced by any benefits the USA might reap in some long run...!! IF the problem is trade and unfair labor practices and/or subsidies in other countries .. we might answer that with subsidies to local industries. Our labor practices can probably be enhanced by more profit sharing by owners with their workers. There is, I think, another economic way to go instead of using tarriffs with their immediate devasting consequences here in the USA and in other countries. In fact I think we might suffer more in the short and medium run and maybe even the long run.... 

SO - War is The Issue. Do we Americans want any kind of war? Civil or global? One brings self-destruction and the other brings general destruction. Can we rebuild without war? YES - our industrial base needs redeveloping... or something. NOTE: our major industries were stagnant and successful for a while after WW2 while other countries rebuilt their industrial systems with modernized ways. Then - instead of playing catchup effectively we chose to buy cheaply from others who were more productive and who had different labor issues. The others didn't win. We played a losing hand while trade let us satisfy our consumption needs. We can correct without war and destruction ALTHOUGH - war and destruction is the old, tried way .. and thus easier to do. We know war! But we hate war -- or at least I do and I hope other do, too. 

On trade ... consider this thought... We have oil and other ways of producing the energy to power industries AND for the past 70 years we have imported, cheaply, a lot of that energy, i.e. oil... thus depleting others while maintaining our own reserves. We did good for ourselves and others benefited, too, but TODAY we can move forward with great independence. Bring on solar -- even if from China. Bring on wind. And even oil, gas, coal, and nuclear... Just to be safe - keep it clean and secured.