this morning i write... and am going, soon, to Jan and Andrew's - activism training session. I wonder what ALL it will be?
in my continuing quest to figure out my past life... specfically at the moment relative to my parents and sister the idea of Cognitive Dissonance has come forward/been remembered by me. It, CD, and Rationalization are two things I am thinking about as I evaluate and re-evaluate my thinking SINCE it is all on/in me now with no one really to check with. No one really knew my side which contained a lot of harshness and those who perpetrated the harsh Nastyness are not here to defend themselves... or to really tell their side with my side in mind. It is all on me... I GET TO INVENT THE HISTORY! I'm the last man/one standing.
That HISTORY is for answering the questions in consideration of the general estrangement. What did I gain? What did I lose? And do I answer that for others such as my daughters.
So - about me... and where I was and where I am...
Politically I actively was different from my father... He may have thought some liberal things but he also thought conservative things and was fearful of being noticed so he may not have ever really expressed his thoughts and feelings. When he was racist it may have been to protect/promote me... As he noted - with integration came competition for the jobs available and controlling that competitition for oneself was a good idea. It was not ... do your best and do it well and do it better --- it was limit the competition. I MUST SAY -- I went with that idea. I generally did not seek or want leadership roles and the profession I went into was pursued with the idea I would have limited competition so I appreciated that and also got certificates (degrees, licenses) as needed. I DID do well in my profession... well enough. But essentially - just enough. I was not inspired and I was not inspiring.
I was raised by a father who thought negatively challenging someone .... me... was The Way. IT WAS THE WAY... for him as per his stories. He knew his job as a shipper, he would respond to someone who said he couldn/t do something by doing it...And so, in my opinion, I would have done better with real positive understanding and support. Instead I was raised essentially to be a contrarian ... and chose instead, I think, to be a positive Pollyana. And to do that I needed to be free and distant from his influence as it was not for me. I think IF he could have seen it would be different and better to be inspiring instead of counseling "be careful" he might have done it and I might have turned out differently. For him -- be a dentist ... not a doctor. As for a lawyer -- I think he wanted to be that himself and might have liked me to become one... or maybe... he rather I did not fulfill what was his dream, i.e. show him what he might have been??
Certainly I did not get the message - be more than your father ... be all you can be... whatever that is.
ALSO - money was an issue. He had some.... He shared some (mostly paid for my education and gave me a gift when I asked for a loan for house enhancement). Ah... money!? A controlling thing, I think. Bar Mitzvah money not given til I was in my 20's and married and didn't need it... though it was immediately promised to me at the time of my bar mitzvah. I often wondered it I would ever get it. Money in the end was denied to me in his will(s)... I use the plural since I think my mother's and sister's wills, giving ... were established by him... OR by my mother. It was often unclear who really called the shots!!!! Especially after overhearing what was reported differently than was said.
AHH.... money for my father was something special. Something he never fully got, I think. He didn't get his family a home, only a very small apartment (coop), when we were growing up. He was ever uncertain, he said, of his annual income since he was a commissioned salesman. AND - I didn't join him and his work... which I think he wanted.... The kick under the table to shut me up ... when I was clearly able to be careful in political conversations ... was The Kicker... I have long hated being shut up ... and essentially today do not feel listened to. Could be I don't communicate well in some way(s).
Ahhh.... money. For my father it was important. For me... important, too, to Not Overextend myself. SO - get ye to a government job ... if you want security and you are not too interested in money. NOT - do service ... but Be Careful.
For now I am going to stop writing ... but let me conclude with the realization that I was always counseled to Be Careful and so with relating to him ... I was ever careful! Being distant, not in communication, etc... was The Way to Protect Myself.... He actually might have gotten that! And appreciated I was doing what he thought a person should do! Even as it may have hurt him to not have a son ... and grandchildren, too. Therefore -- I am saying I did the right thing for me... as per his ways... and protected myself and my family as best as I knew how. It will always be a question - could I have changed him? Could I have made him SEE ME? Could he have treated me differently AND how much of his ways was based on what my mother was about ... who was a women who may have had problems with men... even her son?
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I hope to read the above... and go forward a bit more... relative to other family (mother and sister) and other relatives and friends and colleagues and acquaintences...
FOR NOW -- the Idea of Who Am I? is worth asserting:
I am someone who can converse compassionately... with sincerity and authenticity... BUT I sometimes will not remember well all that was shared so the next time that person and I converse I may appear to not have been paying attention. I would say that I was there In The Moment!
I am someone who thinks most people have similar positive ways and means of living and tolerance and/or acceptance may be challenging sometimes and it well worth the efforts!
I enjoy consuming the arts and food.
I enjoy being part of chorus'. A chorus for me is The ONE team I am good on/with.
I would like to be supported and admired... even if it is for more than I have shown. Could I have been a politician, president? Was that support and admiration issue (politics) the reason I got divorced the first time and ??? In later relationships I did not seek that kind of support and admiration but maybe ... I did? The idea of Being TRAPPED was something I settled on once in couneling but was that the negative side of what I really wanted, meant to be? Was that why ... Diane was seen by some as a really good person... For ME?? Maybe!!! As for others -- they may have been more realistic but I DON'T LIKE REALISM...!!! Do I?
Ahhh... who am I? A person looking for love... while offering love, too. The problem is/was - I didn't necessarily give the love needed by the other. WOW - That was how I was badly raised by parents...i.e. they did not see WHO I WAS ... and their one size didn't fit me as well as another size might have fit me and nourished me and helped me to flourish.
AND ALL THIS --- figured out when I am 76 years old? As I have said before -- better late than never!!!
SO - now what??? That is the question!
