so long... at this time - in Feb. 2009

It has been a while... and what can I say?

I can say.. soon the house remodel will be done. Hurray. I can get organized, reorganized, settled, resettled...... etc.. It has been a lot of little yet hard decisions. It has been a bit of a mess. While we truly had a lot of space (compared with many others in the world) it has been distressing for me to have had less space then usual. But SOON!!! I will have more space than before, better space, nicer space, etc... etc... So... soon all will be better. Ouch!

At work -- things are ok. I am just about finished with what will probably be my last response to my merit review. I may yet edit it some more... But -- I am about done with it. It has been quite a chore. Quite a project really. Quite time consuming... Hopefully it will prove worthwhile. I can hope but it is unlikely, really. Darn.

Also at work... there is ever again the question of how to make the HSL a destination for people. Well -- that has been a question since the building opened in the late 1970's. Maybe something radical should be considered but what would that be? Making our space attractive and welcoming and where food and drinks are allowed is NOT going to do it because nearbye are new spaces which provide all that. Having people here who will help the folks we might attract with their needs... well that would be IT - but what would that be? I guess that is the question.

At home -- things are good. Besides the stress of the remodel. Karen and my fourth wedding anniversary is coming up ... We will probably go to SF for a long weekend and take in a show, museum(s), shopping, etc.... Or ?????

There is a lot of uncertainty. How much longer will I continue to work at UC Davis? Retirement is a possibility. What would I do after retiring? That is uncertain. Finances are a bit uncertain with the economy is something of a free-fall. Recession - yes.... but don't say depression. In fact a Depression is part the economy and MOSTLY PART -- how people are feeling. IF/when a tipping point number of people become depressed --- then there we will be! What might that tipping point be? When? Can it be prevented from happening?

As always .... I say --- aaaaahhhhhh........

Apologizing

Essentially - it seems hard for people to forgive and to apologize. More sometime soon on forgiveness but for now... notes, musings on apologies...

Why are they hard to do? Why can some people not get the words out of their mouths. And why do some people say "I'm sorry" all the time?

I am one who says it a lot. I then do the same things again, and again, and again. Therefore some would say my apologies are worthless. This will be considered later, too.

For now - let us consider what happens when a person does apologize. When a person apologizes s/he says s/he is sorry for something (thus recognizing some thing/action) and the implication is that they "thing" will not be done again and that forgiveness is requested. THEN - forgiveness is something that MUST BE GIVEN. That is the deal. The general rule is that a true apology earns/deserves forgiveness. AND SO - if two parties are in agreement on this general rule AND communities do well to have such a rule and members who agree to it and live it... THEN -- it is difficult for someone to apologize because they will be forgiven AND THEY WILL HAVE TO FORGIVE IN RETURN. Therefore it is FORGIVENESS that is the problem because truly and simply we know that it is hard to forgive. Forgiving and it being difficult to forgive is basically axiomatic!

(At least in general and in some cases (such as in Jewish traditions) an apology should be accepted and forgiveness is thus implied and/or given. (In the Jewish tradition if a person apologizes and the apology not accepted and if the apology given a 2nd time and not accepted and then a third time... after the third time the onus is on the person to whom the apology has been offered and the community may in fact get into the issue and demand forgiveness be given... --quote necessary... here). )

So we avoid, echue, find it impossible to apologize because we know we cannot/willnot forgive and therefore learning to forgive is the primary lesson. We must master the art, science, law, religion of forgiveness. OY!

Engagement pictures... for the party

trusts

issues to write about regarding trust:

trusting community - rather than buying insurance..
trusting authorities - scientists, agencies, etc..
trusting people --- love? - hitchhiking... learning about others, adventure? safety?
trusting a person - with whom you are in a relationship
trusting - faith?
trusting - ones own judgement, intuition, etc...
trust ones perceptions... ones eyes, ears, etc.... --- the four corners example - plus???
trust some/the system?

etc? OTHER???

Bib/Web-liography:
http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/gentrust.htm - WHO DO YOU TRUST? MEN AND WOMEN ANSWER THAT DIFFERENTLY

http://www.econtentmag.com/Articles/ArticleReader.aspx?ArticleID=7361 -
Who Do You Trust?
By Walt Crawford - December 2004 Issue, Posted Nov 29, 2004

http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/february2007/050207trust.htm - Ed Brown: Who Do You Trust?
Christian Words Monday, February 5, 2007

http://www.usouthal.edu/univlib/sauer/propaganda.html - Adapted from: Bodi, Sonia. "Propaganda or Scholarship: How to Tell the Difference." Empowering Students; Hands-On Library Instruction Activities. Ed. Marilyn P. Whitmore. Pittsburgh: Library Instruction Publications, 1996. 15-20.

above from a search on Google for: "who do you trust" (quotes in place to seek a phrase)

AND FROM PSYCHINFO:
Subject (DE) heading is: trust social behavior - which gives 121 peer reviewed journal/conference articles on that subject... Results sent in email for Endnote...

From SOCIOLOGICAL ABSTRACTS:
Trust is a DE --- and results are
1275 results found for: DE=trust in Sociological Abstracts
Published Works 1275
Scholars 3853 <--- this is Community of Scholars.... INTERESTING!!!! All Publication Types 1275 Journals 1018
Peer-Reviewed Journals 773
Conferences 107
Books 11

IDEA: - in Sociological Abs --- refine to Trust AND health (or medicine... etc)

From PUBMED:
Trust as: MESH --- produces 2175 results
Trust and MajrHeading -- produces: 710 results...

ALL ABOVE -- done on Oct. 31, 2007

Weight - health.... NOW

I must:

not drink wasted calorie sutff - including diet sodas but certainly alcoholic beverages and juices. - Basically -- DRINK WATER

Cut down on salts... - no more pretzels, chips, olives, AND ALL THAT.... etc...

More veggies - peppers, celery, (not carrots), etc..

some more fruits.

Less carbs.... less bread and pasta and such....

Eat beans... - rice and beans?

Eat less cheese and other milk/fat products

NO EATING OUT.....

MORE EXERCISE:
Walk to work more/a lot
Walk at noon/lunch?
aerobics and weight room visits...
swim???
bike ride?

And Meditate - on calmness, health, diet, food issues....

normalcy...

Everyone seeks normalcy. What is normal sex? (inspired by watching the film: Kinsey)

We all want to be doing that which is normal. We do not want to be too unique. We do not want to be different. We would like to be part of some larger group.

As for TODAY -- there are SO many people that there are lots of subgroups which have numbers enough to make it possible that almost everyone can find some group to which they will find consorts.... Find some kind of COHORT.....

In earlier times ... when groups of humans were much, much smaller then most people really had to be like ALL others.. because that was all there was..... UNLESS they left and found some other community where others like themselves could be found...

AND --- power being what it is... THE majority could enforce its rule since THE MINORITY might only be one or two persons... and easy to control by force...

musings on Infinity

Infinity... when thought about... can move one to begin thinking about the Spirit, creation, G-d, ONE, ALL, etc....

The Infinitely small and the infinitely large...

Einstein had a lot of trouble reconciling his theory of relativity with the large and the small.... Somethings did not work on both levels.

Is one the Devil and the other G-d? Which is which?

Are both the same in some essential way?

A POINT or the WHOLE.

Both are Singularities....!!!!

NOW and ALWAYS (not now and then)

HERE and EVERYWHERE.....

Cannot be added to or subtracted from.... Nothing can be done with Infinity to change it....

CHANGE ..... NOT possible regarding Infinity!?

When considering interacting with Infinity - how can one effect it? To interact would be to change it --- but isn't it really UNCHANGING? If it cannot be added to or divided... etc... - then - it is all that it is... and ever will be... etc.. etc.. --- sounds a lot like how we try to label or discuss G0d!

trapped - again and again...

Being trapped is not what I like to feel. I guess one could say one is never trapped if one takes the attitude of total freedom and total lack of ground and connection and solidness.

BUT... I do feel trapped from time to time... when someone asks for something for which the only reasonable response is YES... or whatever.

The person making the request frames the question and the setting so that any response except the one THEY want would be unreasonable and to the point of being wrong. So.. getting setup is cool from one point of view but my feeling trapped into answering in only one way is a bad feeling for me... SO... it might be better if the one questioning does what they truly are doing which is DECLARING THIS IS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE.... Thne for me to DENY them what they want would be as real and as difficult as answering their "request" but we would all be more honest! In fact -- the one questioning might clearly see that they are imposing their will/wants and they might approach the whole thing differently... and I might be able to take it better.

Ah... but it IS ME... and MY EGO... and so I am totally stuck and put upon!

in the middle....

The middle is watching... it may not have a leader but it has points of views... and it see what is happening. Sometimes the right or the left WINS and the middle carries on ok. Sometimes the middle gets mucked up. BUT... the middle which is moderate and all is good in moderation and that which is extreme and immoderate is usually not good... well --- in the Jewish Community there IS -- Right and there is Wrong...

The middle is watching. Do not embarrass yourself in front of the middle.

Is the middle more right than wrong? Is a tyranny of the majority a possibility?

Bashing one point of view... and then trying to silence that bashing... WELL --- there is the rub. Silencing anyone can be done... but really it is only really done by brute force.

I want all discussions to go forward. I would limit who can hear certain discussions... since I would not want those outside our community to think that we are in any way endorsing certain points of view...--- BUT -- if someone in our community wants to talk about some enemy and suggest ways of respecting that enemy and even supporting some of what that "other" may demand -- WELL -- it might be easier for the person in our community to get someone from the other side to talk and make their own case....

Talking is better than killing. I would like to hear directly and unfiltered some of what the Other might have to say. I would like them to hear me directly, too. I would hope that some of that listening might lead to more talking and more listening and less killing and some sort of understanding and accomodation.

ahhh.... wishes.....

2007 New Years Resolutions

Updated/checked - today - 4/16/07

Few things done. I have been continuing to check and consider #1 - Tai Chi - and in fact received today information form Ilia. Exercising has been done but sporadically. Eating is not being done very well. The book list is going ok and is significantly done. The gardening is not done but may yet come to be. I had forgotten about the 100 things to do list and the "fix-up" stuff has had some action.

NOTE: the "drink more tea" thing is probably a no-go especially in light of our gifting to ourselves the "fully-automatic coffee center"!

1. Improve health - eat less and better, exercise more, take up Tai Chi (Eugene Tashima - 6-5750 or Sue Chan - 8-1478) (or? - http://www.aikidoinstitutedavis.com/), learn and do mental exercising. Ride bike to work regularly, drink more tea....

2. Begin Gardening - as hobby

3. Fix-up, maintain, etc.. around the house... Get contractors, etc, and stuff done by a handyman, and "temporary" window coverings... Update entertainment and computing equpment. Plan garden/back and front yard.

4. Complete making the list of "100 things to do, see, etc...." and begin doing some.

5. List all books in our house on our computer and label and re-shelve by call numbers.


(originally posted: 1/2/07)

100 things/places to do/go...

Banff in Canada
Alaska... lots of it....
Antarctic
Autralia - and dive in Great Barrier Reef...
New Zealand
Tahiti
...??? Argentina ???
Brazil - ????
The Falls??? -- in S. America - where three countried come together???
China - The Great Wall, The Forbidden City...
Tokyo and other cities in Japan
Pyramids in Egypt
Israel ... again.... and again...
Iceland and/or Greenland???
Warsaw
Moscow
Paris -- again
Florence - again...
Oslo - again
parts of Africa?????




That list consists of:

(look for written version and add here!)

right or wrong?

Where does the idea to follow - a leader or support a country - right or wrong come from and what are its implications?

some sources:

"AUTHOR:
Carl Schurz (1829–1906)
QUOTATION:
The Senator from Wisconsin cannot frighten me by exclaiming, “My country, right or wrong.” In one sense I say so too. My country; and my country is the great American Republic. My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right." (from Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations. 1989. on http://www.bartleby.com/73/1641.html)



The Columbia World of Quotations. 1996.


NUMBER:
12204
QUOTATION:
“My country, right or wrong” is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying “My mother, drunk or sober.”
ATTRIBUTION:
Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874–1936), British author. The Defendant, “Defence of Patriotism,” (1901). See Decatur.
BIOGRAPHY:
Columbia Encyclopedia.
WORKS:
Chesterton Collection.
(on: http://www.bartleby.com/66/4/12204.html)

Chesterton quote begs the question - what is "a desparate case"? - SO - to read... it...
In any case - Chesterton is an interesting case as he was roundly accused of being an anti-semite, "suggested the formation of a Jewish homeland as a solution, and was later invited to Palestine by Jewish Zionists who saw him as an ally in their goal to achieve just that", and "with the rise of Nazi Germany, denounced the persecution of the Jews.' 'I am quite ready to believe now,' he said, 'that Belloc and I will die defending the last Jew in Europe'.".

Ah... NATIONALISM.... - why and why not?!

hardness and deathness

Death -- big D or little "d's".....

Passover Seders have come and been done this year. The hardening of the heart of the Pharoah was, perhaps, examples of little "d's" and I would suggest that such lead to the big D - real, final, DEATH. In the Bible the big D is visited upon the 1st born of Egypt and then upon the Pharoah's army which obeyed the hard and hardened Pharoah who kept breaking his promises.

Being flexible is where one sees and is most strong. Not hard and brittle but strong and flexible. The ability to really change is difficult but always possible and likely to be always a good thing. While there is a saying - "the more things change the more they stay the same" - "change" is still happening and the direction of the changes are what is significant. The directions may lead to some alteration in the "same". In any event the "changes" will be what we live with now.

WHAT IS "hardeing of the heart"? I think it is stubborness and meaness and negative to the person who is doing it. The person who makes himself stubborn and hard and who does not change and develop is well on the way to the big D since the hardness and stillness of that person is already into the little "d's" and that is something to see and be sorry about but for which each person is personally responsible.

passover - 2007 (people and menu)

For Passover - - with acceptances noted wtih an A and moved to top for keeping count....

1. Linda Kastner - A
2. karen - A
3. ken - A
4. sarah - A
5. amy - A
6. margot - I??
7. saboud - I??
8. linda s - A
9. ilia - A
10. sarah h - I
11. susan h - A
12. Bruce - A
13. Melissa - A
14. Greg - A
15. Sam - A
16. Melissa's dad - A
17. Melissa's mom - ?
18. Seymore - maybe late??
19. Uncle Stu - N
20. Devorah - I???
21. other?
22. other?

MENU:

1. eggs in salt water
2. gefilte fish
3. matzah ball soup
4. Main courses
• brisket
• turkey or chicken
• salad
• kugal? - potato? carrot?
• carrot salad (medditeranian - from Nathan cookbook)
• cooked veggie
• 2nd cooked veggie - ???legume??
5. dessert
• cake
• fruit
• macaroons, cookies
• Afikomen

--Kenneth L. Firestein, Librarian, klfirestein@ucdavis.edu
Office (530)752-1678; fax (530)752-4718
Univ. of CA, Davis, Carlson Health Sciences Library
Professional web page: http://www.lib.ucdavis.edu/ul/about/directories/profinfo/firestein.php
A personal page: http://home.comcast.net/~kfirestein/
-------------------------------------------------------
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone
deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

---

Bored stiff? Loosen up...
Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games.

B.O.O.K. - a New Learning Aid....

Subject: New Learning Aid (AND - also see: http://www.devilducky.com/media/57946/

I would like to pass onto you all the following description of a "new" learning aid.

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of informatio n. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.

To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".

Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.

By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.

A Boss' response:

BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:

"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.

"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases."

"BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.

"the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.

I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.


------------------------------

Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 15:59:20 -0500
From: Stephen Downes
Subject: Re: FW: New learning aid

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.

My concern would be, is it compatible with existing operating systems, or will we have to upgrade again to use it? In any case, it will probably require that users take years of training in order to use one properly, much less produce one of their own. ;)


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Davis, California 95616-8677
Phone: (916)752-6258 Fax:(916)752-4717
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Do unto others....

Afraid of the fray... Always... but....

Peace is an important goal. The process or the path or means to peace is also important. SO what instruction may we find in our traditions? I am thinking about the wisdom of our Sages. I am thinking about Rabbi Hillel. Below is one of the wonderful little stories of our People:

"Love of man was considered by Hillel as the kernel of the entire Jewish teaching. When a gentile who wished to become a Jew asked him for a summary of the Jewish religion in the most concise terms ("while standing on one foot"), Hillel said: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow: this is the whole Law; the rest is the explanation; go and learn" (Shab. 31a). With these words Hillel recognized as the fundamental principle of the Jewish moral law the Biblical precept of brotherly love (Lev. xix. 18)." (from wikipedia.com since it was easy to find and copy it into this email.)

This is a most important point, I think and believe. I have long thought that Hillel's restatement of the Torah assertion:

"You must love your neighbor as [you love] yourself. I am God. "

was a wise way of looking at what seems to be the same thing.

The Torah's POSITIVE stating of how to treat your neighbor has a certain poetic attraction. However, love is a very challenging emotion and set of actions. Love not reciprocated can lead to severe and terrible consequences. It can lead to behaviors which are harmful (such as obssessing or becoming overbearing or controlling, etc.) On the other hand --- what harm can happen if we behave without hate? We can know what we do not like and what is therefore hateful to ourselves. Hillel tells us to behave so as to not do such hateful things to others. Hillel is showing us how not to harm anyone. Where there is no hate than there can be love. A prerequisite to love is the absence of hate. A prerequisite to peace is the absence of hate, too. Hillel is sure that there is a lot more to us and our Torah and our Jewishness than simply acting with care and consideration so as to do no harm.... BUT first do no harm and then do the significant work to learn about ourselves and other people and what is hateful and loveable and what is needed and wanted. Study more Torah.

To all this I end with a long and hearfelt SIGH - knowing that some people say that there is nothing better than a heartfelt sigh.

AAAaaaaahhhhhh........

now IS

Now is good. Isn't it? Isn't it always? IF we really, really, really get to NOW. By that I am thinking of being mindful of the moment. Of achieving what is often called Mindfulness. Of being in the PRESENT... and not being influenced by the past or the future. When we thing about what will be and know that the future is always somewhat in doubt OR if we consider the past and its good times and bad times THEN the present is colored by those feelings and while they may be good feelings they may not be AND they certainly are not NOW. On this other hand of "mindfulness" the NOW is focused and limited as I see it. It is a POINT in TIME and for that pointed moment we can be neutral in feelings and notice that for this specific moment all is well. IF there is pain we can seek the moment in between the pain. IF there is joy - we can seek the moment in between the joy. We can get to NOW and the neutrality of NOW which allows us to BE and to be anything or nothing. BE FREE.

black and white and brown all over

Brown? as in shit.... well... anyway:

The orthodox and the fanatic and and the extremist and the intolerant and ??? --- all have something in common and that is they see issues in terms of black and white. Nuances and grays and colors are just ignored as the True Believer goes forth and seeks his/her own way -- for all.

Why are people like this?
Answers:
fear
fear
fear......

What are people, in general, afraid of? People are afraid to be wrong. It is said that people are afraid of the unknown --- and that is a variation on being afraid of being wrong. People are afraid of "the other" and that is a variation on possibly being wrong. People are afraid of being hurt and that can be a variation on being wrong.

Knowledge is power... Information is power... REALLY??? ONLY IF WHAT YOU HAVE IS RIGHT!!!!!

And - what is right? RIGHT IS WHAT IS ACKNOWLEDGED AS RIGHT... At least that seems to be the answer in this late 20th Century/early 21st Century post-modern period. Mostly we see "probabilties". And that is difficult on the psyche of most people.

She probably loves me; my finances will probably work out for my retirement; this road is probably going to get me to where I am going; the prescribed medicine may work; there probably is a G-d; the President probably knows what is best; etc.... etc.... And all these probabilities are simultaneously areas of doubts and confusion and instability. And the more doubts and the more instability then the more things may be this or may be that....

SO --- lets BE SURE. Let us be certain... CERTAINTY is certainly clear! People want clarity. People want to know. People want the power that comes from being right. Those who are wrong ought to be weak. Those who are wrong ought to lose... the war, their children, their jobs, their mates, etc... If someone is wrong and they are successful - well then G-d will finally judge and damn them. But --- basically it is better to be right! Right now. Right later... Not left, liberal, gray.... but right and white and precise.

Shiiiiiitttttt!!!!!!

And remember - in school if you mixed all the colors together you got brown.... and that is, was, and will be shitty.

IF I were to argue...but NO I won't

If I were to continue to argue... I would say:

Look how they arrive with assumptions
Look how they are defensive even before anything is done...
Look at their armor which is always on...
All you have to do... is look at them NOW. There is nothing which has to be brought in from the past to know how they are closed and hard.
Now they have no love
They need something to breech their fortress and I don't have what it takes.
Actually, sadly, there is probably nothing that will change them.

Ah... DESPAIR?!?? -- Yes - but just for a moment, thank you!

It is like dealing with an implacable enemy now and that is how it always has been. Respect has never been a mutual thing expressed. Fear has always been the guiding force. What do they have to fear? What do they have to lose? What do they have to gain?

ANSWERS - nothing is to be feared ... but maybe there is something to lose. What is to be lost is their sense of having been always right. IF they approach... then they have to realize that they could have done this long ago and they could have done much to make things better for others. As for "gain" - they would gain a new family but would also gain regrets over what could have been. VERY SORRY AND SAD OUTCOME..... I guess, returning to fear - there is a lot to fear from the emotional disturbances that are possible.

I can not place that suffering on them. Who can? Well... I know that once I gave up on my sister... and while I never really did, I guess I really did. To set things on a calendar... I gave up on her when she was about 30 or 35 and that was about 20 years ago. I didn't fully give up since about 12 years ago I urged her to come out for a visit during her summer vacation. IF she had come out then I had a specific person, a Jewish dentist, to introduce her to. But, she didn't come out and he married someone else. That may have been for the best as they are now, 10 years after wedding, getting a divorce and it is hard to say what happened (I would say they both have serious strangenesses). But.... IF it was a job I was supposed to do - as I was told, then I did have it in mind from time to time. Another time was at my Jewish wedding in New Jersey before I left there for California. I very nice man, Michael, wanted to drive my sister home and he was something of a good catch (a mensch but a social worker... and so not as wealthy as some might want). He is happily married today, I think. Oh well....

BUT... I am ever so defensive in these writings. I will not make these arguments. I will just leave it all be...

well, well, dry well again - but HAPPY!

The dry well of my life shall not have my blood, sweat, or tears.... not at this time. Patience! Ah... patience. Never will happen that which I want... even as I pare down to almost nothing that which I want. Oh well.... I can't give up everything for a likely nothing....

What do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? I know that there is nothing to gain. I have tried and tried and my experience is that those who will not bend sometimes don't break either. Sometimes that which is inflexible is also very strong and resilient. As for me... I think I have bent til there have been times when I have been twisted beyond recognition. SO - I can only be ever ready and ever mindful of now... and be ever soft and loving and kind and accepting -- as well as lost and hurting and suffering. My suffering over the dry well is deep but it is not debilitating. I can be happy even with that suffering. As the chant says: "May I not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering." While I am suffering I am happy. While I am happy I suffer. But again it is taught (and this has it opposite I must say) - "Remember: Nothing begets wholeness in life better than a heartfelt SIGH" --- AAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..........

Am I whole? Surely. What else could I be? Do I sometimes break down or up or otherwise become partial... YES - there are many moments when I am some specific THING. There are times when I put on armor and hide. I still cannot cry. MAYBE... someday? I doubt it.. but who knows?

Am I afraid... again the sage Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav teaches: "all of life is just a narrow bridge; we must remember the most important thing is not to fear. " And --- WE MUST BE HAPPY... NOT SAD...!!! So he says! Sadness and depression is a great destroyer! Dance, sing, be merry! Even drink a bit...

knowledge and sharing - - AND PURPOSE!!!!

Knowledge is something you share so as to build. Facts, information, etc... Feelings and thoughts are a form of knowledge, too. If one knows ones feelings and thoughts. But who really knows what they feel? Who knows the depths of their thoughts? Even as seemingly solid facts change so do fleeting emotions and flighty thoughts. Or - it is possible to be stubborn and inflexible and unchanging always. NEVER be moved. NEVER be unsure. NEVER be wrong. ALWAYS KNOW.

OR - knowledge is something you share so as to tear down.

OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which builds you up.

OR - knowledge is something you have and keep which tears down.

OR - ???

Why are there so many possibilities? Well - there are what there are. The point really is what you do with stuff. With information. With knowledge. All "things" can build or tear down. Create or destroy. Live or die. Or stuff in between.

Black or white or gray.

What guides actions and emotions and thoughts are our values and our values are essentially our purposes. If our purpose is to harm than our values are related to evil. If our purpose is to heal than our values are related to good. An essential act is to study and we study so we can act with purposes we have considered and thought about and contextualized and made to be a purpose.

"On purpose" is how I think people act. Or I have accused people of doing stuff "on purpose" and usually felt that what I did was "on purpose" ... or at least I was well aware of what I was doing!

I was judgemental is this thinking. I judged that it was right and true that people should and in fact do act with purpose. AND YET ... I MYSELF AM OFTEN PURPOSELESS in general!!!!

I have said and it is true that my career was not well planned. My life was not well planned. I did and pursued living as it came to me. I pursued a career as it presented itself. I have met people and established relationships as they presented themselves. I have met good people. I have had good jobs. I have not taken many risks. I have not made many plans. I have, at best, been in whatever moments I am in. I have cared. I have forgotten to care. I have been careless and I have been full of care. I could judge myself as having landed where I am "on purpose" AND judge that I have not been really well aware of what it is all about.

What a life!? Is this a life? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? MY PURPOSE??!!! WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHAT ARE MY GOALS..... NOW AND WHAT WERE THEY IN THE PAST? DID THEY GET ACHIEVED? WHAT WILL I DO IN THE FUTURE?

I have committments. I have happiness. I have joys and sorrows and regrets and memories and amnesia and sadness and luck and knowledge and wisdom and foolishness and pain and aches and love and loves and hates and ...........

I am free. I am not free. I am here in the moment with memories and maybe aspirations!

I AM.

I used to say that... I AM. Just as G-d says... "I am that I am"... or something like that... I, too, say - I AM.

knowledge and purpose...???

Knowledge is a good thing to have. Facts, figures, etc... But wisdom is another thing. Wisdom sees some sort of context. Wisdom is what might reveal purpose. It might describe purpose.

Purpose? What is the purpose of knowing? The purpose of knowledge and/or wisdom is to act. And the question often/always is: what is the correct action to take? In this situation or that or at this time or when?

If I am not for myself who will be for me?
If I am only for myself than what/who am I?
If not now, when?

"For myself" means??? - in what ways do I support my being? There are so many forms of support. Emotional, economic, physical, health, intellectual. So many ways within each category. Maybe other categories. And so many ways to be self-supporting and THEN... so many ways to seek and get support of the same nature from others. From family, friends, acquaintences, co-workers, even strangers.

And yet - what is the purpose of ones actions? What is the purpose of any one action? Helping myself is one purpose. Helping others in another purpose. Then "they" say that when you help others you help yourself.

And when? When is now. When is always now. And yet now is not always the right time for some things. The Talmud warns us about helping someone who is angry when the person is hot in their anger. Timing is important.

And wisdom covers all???? And what is the wise thing to do when there are competing concerns. What is wise, I guess, is clearness of purpose and purity of purpose. But - what is pure? How can anyone be sure of purity?????

Kashrut!? To be pure... in eating and relationships and all!! SO - if one can become pure in ones eating will that help one to be pure in ones relationships with people? With friends, acquaintences, co-workers, strangers, ENEMIES?. Who is an Enemy? What is an enemy? What should be done about an enemy? Keep them close? Destroy them? Ignore them? Be distant from them? Turn them? (into a friend?). OR... hope that ones' enemy will do any of those things to themselves?!??? In other words, I do not have a real say/ability to cause another to be my enemy or my friend or whatever. I can hope. I can only do what is right.... for myself.

AH... for myself.... but not only for myself. And NOW!

There is only so much I can do... I am not a doctor or a lawyer or a person who can provide as much money as could be needed by ???, or a spiritual leader, or a teacher. I may be able to do some of any of those things.... to some extent... but to be in another's face... to put myself forward and into another person's world of problems and afflictions is not wise in so many cases.

What is wise is to react and respond with lovingkindness. With Cheset. With love. With kindness. With truth. With silence. With warmth. With goodness.

And so..... Who knows???!!!

theres is lots of what we need!

Maimonides, Moses,1135-1204. - tells us that if you look around you will see that most is good. There are exceptions but the norm is that people are good, life is good, the world is good.

One set of examples that he offers about the world is that our necessities are plentiful and therefore accessible to all for little or no cost and that things which are not essential are rare and thus costly. Air is free. Water is plentiful. Etc....

While this can be controverted when it comes to water in such places as deserts --- the fact is that where people live there tends to be water BUT POLLUTION/POSIONING of that water is often THE problem. Thus the cause of our problems is our actions and inactions. Our polluting/poisoning and our failures to provide proper sanitation, plumbing. etc... We are in control!!!!

And when people say - don't soil/destroy/poison that which belongs to G-d, really what is the point is don't kill that which has been provided to us by G-d. It is not required by G-d for G-d that the earth be clean and healthful. It is necessary for US that the earth be healthful and clean. It is our responsibility for ourselves. It is not G-d who will or who should make things right. We have the ability to know and understand and DO!

parents... and NOW a word from our.....

So... this is the season...?? Anyway, I have begun to get up to date. Sent a package and the first greeting cards. On Monday... the 2nd set of cards... and then ... etc...

Ah... snailmail. Don't you love it? Tracking and all......

So... I am doing what I think is right. That is all. Who can tell what will be? Well --- I really do like thinking that the past and experts have things to teach... BUT - the past is no longer and the future is not yet... neither have the real reality that NOW has... And as I write I am content and happy and tired and here.... (although the tv is quite distracting...)

Now is now... I have said that if I can get into NOW then ALL IS OK. How could it be any other way? Here and now is here, now, and WOW.

Whats the word? NOW. Whats the word... WOW.... Whats the word... good, love, G-d, kindness, and ??? TV???/ ---

Shheeesshhh... Karen is tired right now.... and resting, sleeping, and all... That is soo nice! I love my wife. She is soo good in soo many ways. All the days...

Kavanah - intentional praying

see: http://www.windsofchange.net/archives/004072.php --- interesting!! Sufi???

Ahh... Kavanah... Intentionality... or/AND.... Why am I doing or not doing this or that? What is the purpose... Actually... Kavanah doesn't apply... since kavanah is in regards to doing things one IS TO DO ( as in should, must, etc) ... BUT with awareness and intent. AWARENESS... of ??? SO it is linked/related to something. I pray with kavanah...??? --- yes? when I have G-d in mind and goodness, too. Not that I should or must have G-d in mind..... but it is how it really is IF I am really praying. Furthermore, praying with the intent to bring good into the world with the help and by the ways of G-d is part of the act. That is kavanah... not just intentionality and purpose... but with meaning and objective AND with SPIRIT.

The End

trips coming up.....

Well --- there is always the possibility of Thailand... though I feel it dim, somewhat. So many other things to do.... costs to incurr....

Boston is happening...
Then Thailand.....
NYC will happen next March (Rosenthal wedding)

AND FOR JUST ME......
How about: a cruise..... to nowhere or somewhere.... a repositioning cruise?? or that cruise in Scandanavia or in the Meditteranian...

Spain... and paiela and the solar wine/port.... and including Portugal....

There is also Asia, India, and Africa.....

mid-August - apre-Wedding

Went to the wedding of Nitza and Joe - and it was wonderful. Good feelings, good people, good service.... All was very good! Best of luck and mazel tov to all! Especially to Nitza and Joe.

I am so inspired... in so many ways by some of the young people and their doings.

Daniel, Kim, Max, and Dylan -- TRAVEL!!!

Nitza and Joe - LOVE

And I and Karen love to travel. SO.... it is becoming so interesting to consider a 2-3 month leave without pay.... and/or combination w/vacation and such a leave... and to travel... WHERE????

I think - SOUTH - through Mexico and Central America - and on to Argentina... and Patagonia... and then
--- AFRICA??? or at least - South Africa
... OR - AUSTRALIA... and New Zealand...

And then back... or stay on the road, so to speak, and China.....
and/or - South Sea Islands

BUT - who knows....

SHORT TERM - I need to lose some weight. I am not too UnHealthy... but I AM overweight and that is a problem.

Working/Dating - some stuff i think i know...

So....

I know a person, mid-30's, nice, smart, generally healthy but with chronic issues, UNDER-employed. Through knowing this person I have become aware of things called: INFORMATIONAL INTERVIEWS. And I have seen this person making a career of them. Similarly, I think, people go for psychological counseling and they make a career of that, too. I link the two because such things (finding a career and getting ones' head clear) need to come to some closure sooner rather than later.

Why the apparent urgency? I think the reason I assert an urgency is based on the "making a career" idea for things which need the making of a decision with some committment. It seems too easy to not decide and to not commit and there is value in committments and that value is that when a committment is made THEN does one find the depths and full realities of what is out there... The Interview give you someone's individual point of view... colored, even, by their feelings, etc of the moment of the interview. Better would be books and articles about the professions... with interviews used to confirm or check some specifics.

In any case... decisions, committment, CLOSURE is important even if it is just for the time-being. When I was a recent graduate the talk, in 1973, was that young people were not committing to life-long careers and we were different and things were different... etc, etc.. I don't see that much of such stuff from my day nor do I see it now... EXCEPT for the fact that it IS TRUE that big companies which were called "Blue chips" and had jobs that are/were like "government" jobs are not long secure and stable like "government" jobs. Even government jobs have proven to be less stable and secure than soo many used to think. It is NOT, in my opinion, workers who are not willing to commit for the long term but it is companies, government agencies, etc... which are not able to maintain themselves. Some of that has to do with bad planning, some with the "tax-revolt", some with accidents, whatever. The point is... ?????

So - what if there is NO RUSH???

What if we consider another area related to decisions and committments. That would be the area of relationships. In THIS area what I know is that lots of people are looking for love in all the wrong places. OR... at least - many people I grew up with did NOT think finding someone in a bar was effective, likely, or APPROPRIATE. The "appropriateness" was related to most of the folks I knew were college grads or students and Jewish and drinking was not such a good thing. This probably has mostly to do with the Jewish aspect. SO... do I think that still holds some truth? Well.... I must say that I do not have skills to bring to bear on meeting and getting to know someone for a relationship from the bar scene. The people I have met were met at school, at work, in organizations (most specifically the Congregation), and via singles-groups/dating services. SO... I think that you meet people where they and you are and that BARS are a special area which has its pluses, perhaps, but mostly minuses. The pluses apply when you are transient and you are looking for other transients... OR you are in a community and folks from your community go to the bar you are going to... AND THEN... it is really the "community" which is what makes something positive happen. The minuses... are about the transience of people and about the artificiality of bars and about the masks and lies which people can put on in places such as bars where there are few checks to balance mere appearances... THE POINT IS... if you want to meet certain kinds of people go to where they do the things which define them in some way as a certain kind of person.

some pictures.... and sound???

The Summer and beyond

It is the 3rd of July. Things at home have been busy and full of life for a while. Daniel and Kim and Max and Dylan have been in residence and we have had fun and good times together in their stop-over here as they come up from Honduras and head out for Poland, the Middle East and Southeast Asia. We are very excited for them as well as concerned and interested. In fact we may meet up with them in Thailand later this year.

Later this month Karen and I will spend a week on the East Coast. She is working in DC and we will have a nice place to stay and I will visit with Sarah and Amy in NYC and I will see their new place, etc. Then I might bring them down to DC for a couple of days so they can see Karen and so we can hang in DC.

Work has been interesting and let me say and think about it no more.

Tomorrow is 4th of July and we will go to the Club for its barbecue and then who knows. We expect Linda Sternberg to join us at lunch and then later we will just be playing it by ear.

I think, that in regards to Karen and her hanging with her kids and grandkids - there is no BIG MOMENTS that play out. Not until there is. So what do I mean? I mean that there is no plan for a great big goodbye/solong, etc... but there will be one and that will probably be on Wedesday at the Airport. I will not be there. I can't be there since I have work but more to a point we do not have a car big enough for all of us!?!!!??? (seatbelts, car-seats, etc...). Karen will have to drive home herself. That will be tough. I don't know what I will be able to do. I expect she will be somewhat a wreck for several days. I hope I will be especially nice. Look soon for a report.....

end of the day...

To coordinate or not to coordinate.... that is a question and assignment? Well - I have not signed and I have a sense of what is and is not the issue. I do have a set and statement of responsibilities which has been signed. This new one - which is NOT negotiable, as per Jo Anne... is all extra duties above and beyond my normal job. SO - anything I do in those areas should be seen as extra. It will be an interesting review, next time.

As for the report on Realtime... that continues to be a conundrum as it is dynamically difficult to put together. Tough assignment, really. Soo many aspects pulling things in soo many directions. There is, of course, the report that went to HOPS and that could be the basis for my report. We shall see.....

Interesting times.

Lousy .......

ahh.... the Breeze....

So... the following can be looked at from anywhere...

A draft BreezePresentation which is on my comcast space...

A car and Fellows-NOT

Today is day two of us owning a new Honda CR-V - 2wd-LX. NICE small SUV which will replace Karen's Honda Civic. We researched and shopped and internet-priced and bought the car yesterday, Memorial Day, 2006 (May 29th). WOW.

And then today, I contacted the NYC Fellows Program to find out what was holding up the notification to Sarah about her acceptance into that program. Turns out the trouble she had w/transcripts never got resolved to their satisfaction (i.e. NYCFellows never got a copy of the transcript) so her application went IN-active. Not good, imho.

An example? of a person "sabataging" themselves,. being self-defeating, etc.. The "Same old song" of... I am not ready... but then - my bosses don't mentor and they otherwise suck.... - so instead of stepping up I will hang back and complain...

BUT... what can I say? Nothing! What can I do... Nothing... I think, if I have not, that I must inform Sarah that all promises of help for music and/or school (I think it was really only for some music lessons) are off as of some short time in the future (like three months). SO... a clear break for responsibilities and obligations. I will help and be supportive... MAYBE... I think - loans are the way Ms. Sarah will need to go. Thus she will have ownership.

And so it goes....

Belief...... and Polyanna?!

Well ... I have read several books recently (Small Gods by ..... and American Gods by .... as well as a chapter ijn "The messiah of Stokholm by Cynthia Ozick) and the idea that how strongly we believe in something is what makes it whatever it is. SO... if we really believe in G-d... than G-d exists and is what we believe... or so this thinking goes!

Blasphemy comes to mind, of course, but so, too, does some sense of realness and truth. The "G-d is dead" sentiment goes a long way towards destroying what good comes from believing in G-d. Believing in the precepts of some church or religion ALSO goes a long way towards destroying what good comes from believing in G-d by insulating us from direct contact with G-d. Religions simplify what G-d is so as to communicate to the masses and in that simplification there is great loss of what is real and right and good and, fundamentally, COMPLICATED AND SIMPLE AND RADICAL.... ALL AT ONCE!

Communication is always a matter of making simple and understandable that which is is always much more. Communications is the making a map of some territory and therefore it is a distant abstraction/subtraction.

But what about Polyanna? Well she was a goody goody and

what I want to do... to go green at home...

I want to redo my house so as to make it both comfortable and productive. Yes! Productive! I want to produce enough energy so I canj put it on the grid and power my/our needs. I want to do this inexpensively, comprehensively, durably, and in a way which will serve as a model for others.

SO... I should look for grants and other such help and be prepared to keep a very precise journal from which to write up what happens and how it happened.

I will be looking for computer control of cooling and heating devices which will include sensors and motors which will open and close shades, etc at the optimum time. Perhaps we can use "old", thought to be obsolete computers as well as the excess power of new computers. I will want to use solar power for heat and electricity. I will want things to be attractive. I will want things to be inexpensive and measurably cost-effective. I want to employ knowledgeable people and people who will learn and people who will then be able to teach. I will want to do the background research and see what has been done... and I want to then progress the various examples into a mass-production reality.

NOTES - and a Home Theater and best communications with world, too.
See: CONTACT: EH Publishing Amy Barkasy, 508-663-1500 ext. 287 abarkasy@ehpub.com for: HEADLINE: Electronic House Announces Home of the Year Award Winners; Electronic House Home of the Year Collector's Edition Hits Newsstands May 2nd (from LexisNexis Academic

That is all I want... for myself and for others!

Green, green, green

Green the economy. Green the world. Go green.

And what will happen?

In the short run.... nothing bad.
In the long run ... only good...??

Who can ever know. IF we were to green the economy and if we were to then be able to support more people with a better standard of living would that mean we would then have more people and more crowds, etc..??? Maybe.

For now... one can imagine and know that some people are not having children because of despair about the future of the world. Crowding, poverty, an apparent lack of resources, alienation due to those factors, impotence.... the result... rational and irrational slowing down of population growth.

But.. being GREEN which to me means being ecologically efficient and sound is still the way to go. Lets insulate rather than burn fuels to heat and cool. Lets walk and/or ride well made bicycles rather than drive. Lets use public transportation, too. Lets plant forests. Lets eat less hi-end proteins (proteins made by cows, etc... ) and lets make those proteins as we can in our own bodies from "cheaper" and "greener" plant foods. Lets use our muscle powers instead of diesel/oil powers. Lets look to the sun for electricity EVERYWHERE.... and lets convert over to these systems on a mass scale with government funding for the masses!

Think of all the people who would get to do real work. Productive, useful work. We should all serve in these jobs for a couple of years.... as Volunteers for America and the World. Old people who still have ideals and who have not become old, cold, conservatives... should come forward and be conservationists and show the young that we care.

democracy? - who or what rules?

So.... what about this thing called democracy? When does it exist? What is it? Where? For whom? Tipping points:?

So... do we have democracy here in the US?
How can Iraq get it?
Is it different from place to place and time to time?

What do people really want? or need? etc....

Top down or bottoms up!

Viewing things from the point of view of presidents, kings, dictators, prime ministers, chiefs.... what might we see? I could answer - I have no idea since I am no where near their perspective.

Viewing things from the bottom.. I could imagine myself closer to that position....

OR... lets view it from an individual's perspective versus a group's perspective.

I for one, am an individual... and I am also part of various groups.

Individuals and groups have needs and wants and abilities and power.

SO....
I want to be able to fulfill my needs and wants. Questions could be: how much and how often? Of course what are my needs and what are my wants?

Erich Fromm delineates the needs persons have. Food, shelter, clothing. AS such things become rather easily available persons become FREE - at least free FROM such. THEN - they are FREE TO... ?? and that becomes a problem! While one is busy taking care of ones needs those activities may be viewed as DISTRACTIONS from living fully... if we define fully as determining and getting what you want... beyond your needs. When I do not know what I want I suffer. This suffering is similar (and/or different) from the suffering one feels when in need. CLEARLY as per advertising... I am supposed to WANT and then I am supposed to GET. IF I don''t want then who or what am I? I might in fact be a drain on the ECONOMY. I will not fuel the need people have to work and produce and earn and then spend to get... etc. etc.. etc.. THE GREAT CYCLE!

OY....

As Bill Clinton said... "Its the economy, stupid!"

The economy is the exchange of resources (be they tangibles such as food or cars or houses or whatever OR be it time at the movies or at the theater or at the museum or reading... etc...) - it is the Economy which rules.

Time is money. Time is a new car. Time is Time.

Who or what controls my time? Sometimes money limits time. Sometimes assigned tasks limit my time. Sometimes my health limits my time. Sometimes how things are schedules by others (movie theaters, airline schedules, etc) place limits on my time. Sometimes meditation or prayer or holidays or Shabbat limits my time (sometimes time limits time). There generally are limits.... and to have choices about those limits ... is personal Democracy.

In other words.... democracy is essentially CHOICE.... and the Economy is the the primary controlling factor... whatever "economy" applies.

Exactly

Nothing is exact... and too often we are hearing that this one or that one (a general, a president, a jerk, ... etc... ) has not broken the law BUT the somtimes only way to really determine if someone has acted within the law is to bring that person to trial and have the courts fully look at it. By fully look at it... take it to a judge and jury and then through appeals.... etc --- and even then one might have to wonder (as in the Presidential Election of 2000).

And then what about science and medicine and how sure "experts" can be!

There are also all those government statistics but then what is done with those "facts" - correct or incorrect?

TRUST is TRIED and we then get TIRED of the merry-go-round chase of cycles of what lately may appear to be simply the Fashionable View of the Moment - or - the Politically Correct View of the Moment.

It is THE MOMENT which RULES.... and the Moment is always NOW.

Be mindful!

crazy???? gods....!!!!

A movie... "The gods must be crazy" --- and what about the idea that gods can be crazy? Well.... I HAVE long thought and believed the all-encompassing view of G-d as that which is all things. That would include all opposits. It would include all NOTHING as well as EVERYTHING. It would, essentially, include all that can be thought, imagined, etc..... ETC...!!!! AND MORE.

So... --- gods are significant, specific, and probably DIVISIVE!!!, too. While, on the other hand - G-D is UNIFYING.

By radical definition - G-D is THE UNIFYING FORCE. G-D is all-emcompassing AND G-D is ???? I could say "good" but G-D has to include that which is "bad" too. All exists IN G-D. THAT is THE MYSTICAL reality. That is REALITY.

AAaaaHHHhhhhh........

work and money - cycling around and around and ....

The economy and the eco-system and both in bad shape. SO... lets put them together and make both better. A big changeover to an economy based on good flexible customizable personal Public Transports.... and we get rid of autos and we go all electric and lots of people go to work building these changes. As they work ... they get paid a wage which is a good living wage and we turn this whole world and its economy and the ecology around.

Sometimes... this seems to be a clear idea.. There is a phrase/slogan... something like: the economy is not a matter of supplies and demands... and scarcities ... but it is a matter of work and accomplishments and products and services and money going around and around so that everybody can earn and spend and live well..... The Goods are there... it is just a matter of distributions which are not based on owners charging outrageous prices for apparent specialness.....

do no harm....

A basic recommendation to physicians is: "Do no harm". Also, "help". This in regards to disease.

So often, these days, whe I find myself disturbed and have a reaction but I do not "publish" it immediately. Similiarly to "counting to 10" I now often hesitate with my reactions and more often than not I do not publish my reaction at all or I moderate it a lot. This is a working solution to over-reacting and a work in progress.

And then there is things which ought to be said and done and changes initiated and people need to know, etc. etc... BUT - a feeling of despair and hopelessness and thus - alienation are the reigning feelings. Too many people just don't care and that is a feeling I can share with those people. Why bother one can think. Why care? Care about what? Indulge in ??? - SO.... No Complaints. Why complain. At work management doesn't care. Management wants peace and quiet. At home there are too many buttons that might be pushed in the complaining and the reaction to the complaint. SO - NO COMPLAINTS.

Be harmless. Take in whatever may be negative. Put out whatever can be positive. AH.... Tonglen. It appeals greatly to me. What is out there is so often pain and suffering and problems and fatigue and hard, etc... None of that can be controlled. All one can do is be the best one can be and put out into the world the best one has to offer such as love and peace and warmth and goodness and energy. Not that the positives will effect the negatives nor that there will be balance nor that solutions will come to be.. BUT.... lovingkindness and compassion to others and to oneself is ALL!!!!!

death

so..... when someone dies.. those who live and remember and mourn are sad and they suffer. Does it ever occur to some that they would prefer to have been the one dying? Of course that idea comes to people's minds sometimes. Parents wish it were them and not their children. Lovers want to be the one to die. People say - they would be happy dying for causes and certain people BUT... is this ego? Is this a form of selfishness? I don't mean to be acusatory or judgemental or hostile but.. what about taking our cues sometimes from the one who is dying and who is now dead. Some of these people came to a place of peacefulness. They got to a place where they realized the futility that is our battles and wars against death. Death is more certain than taxes. Death is seemingly the most real thing we know. Life is not as real for most. Things are not as real as we might imagine them to be. Taxes can be avoided. History is suspect. Science is a matter of doubt. Religion and spirituality and mysticism and so much around such are matters of faith and belief and suspicion and more doubt. Only death is certain. AND even death is not certain to all... but it is probably more certain to more people than anything!!!! Wow?!

equity, pensions, divorce.....

So... marriage and divorce and who is entitled to what. IF after 10 years a spouse is entitled to support.... on what basis, how much, for how long, etc.. etc... You know if I worked for a company for 10 years I might get some kind of pension and if I worked for them for 11 years I might/should get more, and for 12, 13, 14, etc... - more and more.. But with some limits. AND - it would be dependent on age, too. AND - so why might it be different in a failed marriage. On one hand with the company pension both sides are essentially happy with each other. In the "divorce" situation that is not the case and there are lots of issues to consider such as .... what did the non-supporting spouse do and why? If they were supported to pursue an interest or hobby which was supposed to earn them a living but it failed - what are the responsibilities of the supporting spouse? If the supported spouse worked around the house - to what extent and for what value? Maybe they cleaned and cooked. Maybe they did not. What then is the reason for the "pension" - i.e. alimony? How would this work if both spouses worked equally? Or even - un-equally?

Finally - what is statutory? Or is this all precedent?

passover music leads and some other stuff...

http://www.613.org/passover.html

check a little song here and the attitude, too:
http://www.farklempt.com/Holidays/Passover.0304/index.html

--
Kenneth L. Firestein, Librarian, klfirestein@ucdavis.edu
Univ. of CA, Davis, Carlson Health Sciences Library
Office (530)752-1678; fax (530)752-4718
Professional web page: http://people.lib.ucdavis.edu/klf
Union web page: http://kensucaft.home.comcast.net//2005unit17.html
A personal page: http://home.comcast.net/~kfirestein/
-------------------------------------------------------
"look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be
at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more
significant, practice it first upon yourself."

passover - update4 on blog

Seder ONE - and the QUESTION =
17 asked-confirmed- 12 (and NOT - 1) = accounted for - 13
karen and ken - both coming
margot and saboud - asked - one is coming
betty and gershon - asked... both coming
judy and hillel - asked ... both coming
micha and maya
paul and denise asked ... both coming
karen and jim and lev ... asked three coming
karen and dan


Seder TWO - and the QUESTION =
19 listed - confirmed - 2 (and NOT - 2) = accounted for: 4

karen and ken - both coming
margot and saboud (asked) - one not coming - one ????

kristen sortais - asked - not coming

ilia and seymore and sarah - to be asked
linda sternberg - asked

syma and bruce - to be asked??? OK
barbara anderson - to be asked ??? OK


melissa and greg and sam - hold on asking - but most probably

phillip and mary - probably ask?

mr and mrs melissa - DEFINITELY hold on asking

Its Anniversary time... its anniversary time...

YES - the time is just about here! Today is Friday and on Sunday it will be our First Anniversary!

We plan to get together with our Maid of Honor and Best Man plus their partners at the Sacramento Brewing Company at Town and Country, near the Trader Joes. They have a buffet brunch w/champagn/beer... and Karen and I have been their for dinner and it looks nice. We hope the brunch will be nice.

As for gifts.. this is yet to be known to each of us recipients. It will be reported later.

It has been QUITE THE YEAR! We have traveled a lot. We have planned a bit/lot... as we try to make our home ours. See - firesteinhouse.blogspot.com for more stuff about that project. Suffice it to say we continue to think, analyse, etc. Now we are about to look at homes to buy and replace our Breton abode. Maybe???!!!....

Traveling began with our honeymoon in Hawaii in March, 2005. During the summer we went to Monterry (great dinner on my birthday), Ashland (with my daughters), and Newport Beach. In December we traveled to Utila, Honduras where we helped with the old (Max) and new (Dylan) grandchildren and where I learned to and got certified as a scuba diver. In Februrary, 2006, we visited my daughters in NYC and also visited relatives who I had not seen for quite a while! Also saw Gail and Larry. We stayed at Susan Rosenthal's wonderful apartment in Manhattan and had dinners and visits with Steve and Suzie and their son Ben and with Flora and Liz, too.

In NYC, visiting with my Uncle Jerry and my Cousin Sheera were two special wonderful visits! Visting with Cousin Arthur was quite wonderful, too.

Helping my daughters a bit in NYC included introducing them to some of my relatives and getting Amy a nice business suit. Amy had a lot of time to spend with us. Sarah made a lot of time, too. The girls made a wonderful Shabbat/Friday night dinner for us and their place was pretty nice. They are soon to be moving again and a new place they will probably be getting sounds good and is in Manhattan where they want to be. Jobs are developing and improving. SO... things are looking up.

Karen and I continue to grow and develop and continue to love and grow our love. We have people around us who are doing well and not so well We worry and love them and support them as we are supported ourselves in our home together. We really enjoy our family and friends and community. Life is good!

Let me say again --- life is good!! THANK YOU!!!!

Comfort and Control..... Who has it?

Ah, who controls? What is control? Is control good, bad, ugly?

All in the eye/mind/spirit of the one controled or controling. SO - if I avoid going here, there, etc - then the reasons I "avoid" is controling me. The reason might be safety. A reason might be comfort... In fact - perhaps COMFORT IS the point. And - being UNComfortable... ala - Pema Chodron IS the answer.

Of course - some controlling people will get the cooperation, so to speak, of the person who is trying to control. Ah... oh well. One can't make people cooperate or not or... whatever.

Most people mean to be good and control is probably often meant to be helpful. BUT - if a person feels controlled then that probably signals a lack of comfort and/or acceptance and/or understanding and therefore either communication should make clear the intent and the benign nature of the "control" OR the "control" should be stopped.

I must say that COMFORT is the least important reason for doing anything. Hasn't it been said taht "the comfortable go to hell"? or something.

Ah... to be comfortable... for how long? Why? WHAT IS COMFORT OR COMFORTABLE? Who knows? Who really has it? Anyone? Maybe not... since? all is in flux. All is uncertain. All changes. SHEEeeeeeSHHHHHH

Angry, enraged, TRAPPED?

So - I lost it the other night. Badly. Noticed while it was happening that I lost it... but kept on going with talk. Why? Who really knows... but I will say the following:

1. today, the final? thought on the origin of the rage is that I saw myself being trapped into doing something while I, for whatever reasons, really wanted to do something else. I was "asked" and told why it was needed and all in front of an audience and with a time constraint, too. SO... an answer was needed NOW and clearly it must meet the needs of some other... and my interests were not inquired about... SO - I was TRAPPED.

2. And... the "other" just talked and talked and talked and set up the situation so that the "other" could not be refused because illness and weakness was all on the "other" side. How could anyone refuse. SO - TRAPPED again! And the audience could see how needy was this other!

3. The reasons given may or may not have been the entire set of reasons. And - if I was to do anything else --- I would have been alone in a strange area of the city. THANKS alot. And I already had been told that "walking by oneself" was undesireable and even dangerous. So, I wonder, if this "danger" issue might have been a or even the reason!

I DO get angy. That is ok, I think. Becoming enraged is NOT ok. Being ENTRAPPED is also not ok. Feeling like I have no choice is a bad feeling for me. A VERY BAD FEELING. Nevertheless, I must try, in the future, to BREATHE through it. Even if it kills me to be trapped - that is something I need to do.... Right?

continuing to be stressed

So today I got feeling very stressed. I don't know why.. except some time presses hit me as I got out of the house a bit later than I might have... So - got to CBH about 10 after 11 and met Bill at about 11:40 instead of 11:30 and got to work at 12:40 instead of 12:30... but I am now a bit settled (although a document I hoped to read and have at the office is at home - sheeeeeettttt!)

It is about 3:30pm and I DO feel TIRED. So - while I slept ok, I think, it was not that good. I got to sleep a bit late, had some competition for space with the cat, Ajax, and got up earlier than I had to..... I will try to take a nap tomorrow afternoon.

Eating... hmmm... maybe too much wine last night at the Wolk thing.

GOOD NEWS - I worked out yesterday and the day before. Might work out a little later before going to do services. Or.. I might wait til tomorrow. Or maybe do tonight and take tomorrow off... Or do both!?

Having personal energy is good and I do not! I get energized by others... so it is good to be around people but then I am sort of sucking stuff out of them..... right? I need to have my own resources to share and contribute! This is not a good rut to be in!! I need to get rested and centered and better. And I need to exercise.

Stuff about Bruce and Susan is very upsetting... Maybe I am not processing that well. I certainly have not talked with anyone about it and may not. That is so to protect my friends but it is disturbing to me. I wish I had more time today with Bill so I could have talked with him. He would have been very good for such a conversation, I think. WHY though???

SPIRITUAL.... The Spirit.... !!!! What is happening now. NOW??? HERE and NOW!

Aaaaaahhhhh........

When in NYC

Go to Bnai Jershurun - - http://www.bj.org/
Services, on Friday, are at: 5:30 AND 7:15 - at:
W. 88th Street - The synagogue at 257 W. 88th St.(between Broadway and West End Ave.)
Saturday morning - 9:30 - at:
W. 86th Street Church of St. Paul & St. Andrew(at the NE corner of W. 86th St. and West End Ave.)

Go to MOMA -
The Museum of Modern Art(212) 708-940011 West 53 StreetNew York, NY 10019-5497
Saturday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m
Sunday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Monday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Tuesday CLOSED
Wednesday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Thursday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Friday 10:30 a.m.–8:00 p.m.
Closed on Christmas day and Thanksgiving day
Tickets:
Get an International membership for one... for $60.00 which allows purchase of $5.00 discount tiks. Get in Karen's or Sarah's name - so Amy and/or Sarah might use it..... This is in lieu of two time $20.00 for a day pass for each of us...



Museum of TV??

Statue of Liberty and/or Ellis Island
leave from Battery Park.... starting at 9:30 and then every half hour til 3:40....


The Cloisters
Fort Tryon ParkNew York, New York 10040
The Cloisters is a branch of the Museum devoted to the art and architecture of medieval Europe. Recorded Information: 212-923-3700
Directions

Hours Tuesday–Sunday
9:30 a.m.–4:45 p.m. (November–February)
9:30 a.m.–5:15 p.m. (March–October)
Monday Closed
Closed Mondays, January 1, Thanksgiving Day, December 25
Directions to The Cloisters
From Main Building
From Madison Avenue and 83rd Street, take M4 bus directly to the last stop (Fort Tryon Park–The Cloisters).
By Subway/Bus

Take M4 bus directly to the last stop (Fort Tryon Park–The Cloisters) or take A train to 190th Street, exit station by elevator, and walk north along Margaret Corbin Drive for approximately ten minutes; to avoid walking, transfer to M4 bus and ride one stop north.


The Guggenheim ??? and/or The Whitney and/or

David Letterman Show??? - I sent in a request for tiks...

The ZOO? - get pictures for Max???

Theater?

Dinners... ?? where????



See:
Susan and Joe
Gail and Larry?
My Uncle Jerry
Arthur and Marlene and Sheldon and ????
Priscilla??
Roy and Cathy??
Sheera and her mom and her daughter and Howie and also Tattie.
others?

STRESSED I am!!!

I am stressed...

the house
the kids
the job
the union
the play/schpeil
my leg/knee
my weight
my physical health/aka - exercise
taxes
investments
friends and their stresses, freakouts, etc...
ENOUGH????

from another post:
Stressors from the house
COSTS:
1.now our finances are easy. Housing costs are now half of what they will be after a re-finance, etc.
2. other "maintenance" costs coming up - heating/cooling;
3. new cars?
4. garden?
5. more travel?
6. loss of my office...!!!!
7. other??? - SEE ALSO - salt of the earth in wounds POST

Trust... The sorry State of the Union

I think TRUST is THE issue which is the problem for the State of our Union and nation.

We need to be able to trust that our privacy is not invaded which is related to the internal surveilance and to personal rights, especially as pertaining to women and choice.

We need to be able to trust that our country will only go to war to defend itself instead of acting aggressively and illegally as if we are bully.

We need to be able to trust that science and objective information will be heard and respected such as that which pertains to global warming and evolution.

We need to be able to trust that the rights of individuals, be they Americans or be they foreigners in our land, will be accorded the respect of our laws which is a true mark of a civilized country and which is also a Bibically recognized imperative.

We need to be able to trust that religious beliefs will be respected but that this country will not become a nation where religion will rule our laws as does in other countries. Religion is protected in this country but we need to strengthen and protect the secular aspects of our nation which today are under attact and in retreat.

We need to be able to trust that conflicts will be resolved so that all parties are respected and honored and that reason is supreme and not power.

so it is the new year and here is the post #!

Yes - it is the new year.... secular that is. It is late in the first month - the 18th to be precise. I am just not a regular writer yet... maybe someday.

In any case where are we? Or - where am I, etc...

First of all - the trip to Honduras was great. I relaxed and helped out and loved the baby and Max and read AND LEARNED TO SCUBA DIVE. I got certified and so now I am a PADI-certified Open Water Diver. Wow! And I went horse back riding. And we ate good and drank well. All and all - a good and productive trip.

Then we got back and needed a while (a week or more) to recover, rest, etc.. The trip back was 18 - 19 hours long. That takes a bunch out of you and even while in Honduras we got tired and built up a stock of tiredness as we got to sleep a bit late and up a bit early and the bed wasn't the greatest and there were insects, bugs, lizards, etc...

Now that I am back.... and the union vote has taken place and I/we lost... as the vote was in favor of signing this MOU... I now am going to see what will be with the Union and getting ready for the future.

My daughters are doing a bit better in NYC although they lost a large deposit as they moved out of their first place. But Amy is now working (albeit in NJ) and Sarah has a good tutoring job. I am hoping to travel out to them soon, maybe at the end of February.

Karen is well and getting better (she has had a flare). All is well and we are getting very close to moving forward on changing the house. Wow!!!!

so far away......

It is almost the end of the year. My Karen, my wife, and I are in Honduras on the Island of Utila visiting with Daniel, Kim, Max, and the newborn, as of Dec. 14, Dylan Einar. We are here to help as family and I guess we are doing that. We distract Max, we run errands, we change diapers (I have only done two and that is enough but there is always more!), we play with Max, we hold Dylan, etc, etc.... Karen is a great Mom and now Grandmom. She does it! She is good at it and she is meaningful and mindful as she does it. Quite wonderful to behold!

Utila is something else again. I have been very comprehensively bitten by sandflys and for a little while really suffered. I think I have it under control. I am not keen on going to the beaches but whenever snorkling is possible that is good. Karen and I went snorkling a couple of days ago off a boat which had some training divers. The snorkling was very good. There is a reef and we saw many fish. If we go out again soon we may see a whale shark and maybe dolphins, too. That would be really great!

Will I get scuba certification? It depends. I have a little congestion and that kept me from beginning today. Maybe soon. That would be pretty good!

We have been celebrating CHanukah with Max and with Daniel, Kim, and Dylan. Max is REALLY into it. The presents! and the candles! Each night he is quite excited and he like the clay dreidle song. All in all - time with Max is very good. He can be a handful at 3 and a half. But is he very good natured, really, and adverturesome. It is a big job and I do what I can when I can. Parents are really great and involved and good. They can use a break and Karen and I do provide that. So... all is good.

We have been away from home for about 2 weeks and have another week here and then we get home. I look forward to being away from the Utila bugs and in my own bed and I really look forward to LIGHT. Things are dark and dim here, mostly. This is to save power and to keep away bugs. I don't think I would do too well in the far north/south for long without light-therapy (as in that episode of Northern Exporsure). It is driving me nuts! And it is keeping me from reading. I did finish Plot Agains America by Roth the other day and now I am into Call It Sleep by another Roth. Call It Sleep is very engrossing. Sad, dreary, poignant, and more. I want to know what will happen to poor David and his mother and all. (I tried to read Doctorow's City Of G0d but it's style put me off). I look forward to reading more, soon, of Call It Sleep and then I also have Neuromancer by Gibson which, as Call It Sleep, is a 20th century classic. They are both different, I suppose - but will report on that later. Suffice it to say - I like READING!... And - remember, Karen and I read to each other early in our relationship and we will hopefully do that again.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Each of the years that Karen and I have celebrated New Years has been different. It has been with her friend Kim, at the end of 2003, then with her sister, Linda, in Santa Fe, at the end of 2004. Now we are in Honduras with her son at the end of 2005. All different and ok, was and to be.

This is/has been quite a trip. Perhaps I can characterize it as a family working vacation. COOL.

Next year ---- Maybe NYC with my daughters and some of my old friends and family. That could be something. Hmmm.... But - let me not seem complaining. I am noticing and as always - I want to contribute. Really.

More.... soon (note - there is at least one draft message - which I should review and publish).

LOVE!!!!!

a nice weekend

It was a nice, easy, relaxed weekend. We accomplished a few things. Got some chores done, went to an ok Mondavi thing (Chinese acrobats with nice music), I had a nice workout Sunday (and some aerobics on Monday morning), ate ok (fairly healthfully), probably did NOT do the Shabbat thing too well but better than some, phoned and talked with a few folks, and so .... here we are - Monday morning, Oct. 31, 2005.

I think I like this time change (we move the clocks back one hour and thus "get" an hour). I need to make a reservation for Burbank and the trip south that Karen is planning. And then we need to set the Honduras trip, too! I will check Continental in a few moments and see what happens out of NYC (so I might see the girls).

I have been reading the book Neurotica edited by ???? and most of the stories I would say are disturbing. Many are of another era. Some are harsh, angry. Some are silly, strange. An ok read, all and all. I have more stories to go!

And then - for December - we read ????? and will meet ?????

Friday night - Shabbat coming - last of october

Well, it is the end of the week and the beginning of Shabbat. Just about.

Soon I will be home and trying to enter into the spirit of Shabbat. Ah the wonder of this time. Time !!! Time!!! TIME.

Time is the great intangible. Here, gone, there, everywhere, nowhere, coming.......If some "thing" were to be sanctified - it would be time and it is time. Shabbat is Time. But - noTHING is to be sanctified. No idols.

As much as we look forward to and observe the Sabbath - in the moments of awareness we (may) lose the wonder. I wonder?

I will try this Shabbat to remain always aware and mindful that it is Shabbat. I will do many right things --- such as eat and drink well. Speak and think well. Rest well. Pray well. Hope well. All POSITIVE. All the Good Angel. Sing well. Be well. Love well. Live well.

salt of the earth in wounds

So - where I am.... hurting-wise. What are those areas which are distressed, disturbing, or otherwise negative???

In no particular order (but maybe in an order)

anxious about how my daughters are doing in NYC
my parents and sister and irreconsilable alienation
fun or lack of fun in general
problems with friends - new and old and older and younger
issues at my job
issues with the union
generally being heard/listened to.... even by Karen
health - particularly weight but also getting into regular excercise
issues of fixing up our house
issues of travel plans
issues of my interests and wants being heard and acted upon
financial stretching and possible breaking
general respect????
general consideration
general care.... who cares? about what? for me? for anything?
care in the community? and am I part of any community?

While "asking not what your community can do for you but ask what you can do for your community" is a wonderful thing in a wonderful world - what about when the individual needs help from the group?

SHHHHeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiitttttttt.