equity, pensions, divorce.....

So... marriage and divorce and who is entitled to what. IF after 10 years a spouse is entitled to support.... on what basis, how much, for how long, etc.. etc... You know if I worked for a company for 10 years I might get some kind of pension and if I worked for them for 11 years I might/should get more, and for 12, 13, 14, etc... - more and more.. But with some limits. AND - it would be dependent on age, too. AND - so why might it be different in a failed marriage. On one hand with the company pension both sides are essentially happy with each other. In the "divorce" situation that is not the case and there are lots of issues to consider such as .... what did the non-supporting spouse do and why? If they were supported to pursue an interest or hobby which was supposed to earn them a living but it failed - what are the responsibilities of the supporting spouse? If the supported spouse worked around the house - to what extent and for what value? Maybe they cleaned and cooked. Maybe they did not. What then is the reason for the "pension" - i.e. alimony? How would this work if both spouses worked equally? Or even - un-equally?

Finally - what is statutory? Or is this all precedent?

passover music leads and some other stuff...

http://www.613.org/passover.html

check a little song here and the attitude, too:
http://www.farklempt.com/Holidays/Passover.0304/index.html

--
Kenneth L. Firestein, Librarian, klfirestein@ucdavis.edu
Univ. of CA, Davis, Carlson Health Sciences Library
Office (530)752-1678; fax (530)752-4718
Professional web page: http://people.lib.ucdavis.edu/klf
Union web page: http://kensucaft.home.comcast.net//2005unit17.html
A personal page: http://home.comcast.net/~kfirestein/
-------------------------------------------------------
"look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be
at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more
significant, practice it first upon yourself."

passover - update4 on blog

Seder ONE - and the QUESTION =
17 asked-confirmed- 12 (and NOT - 1) = accounted for - 13
karen and ken - both coming
margot and saboud - asked - one is coming
betty and gershon - asked... both coming
judy and hillel - asked ... both coming
micha and maya
paul and denise asked ... both coming
karen and jim and lev ... asked three coming
karen and dan


Seder TWO - and the QUESTION =
19 listed - confirmed - 2 (and NOT - 2) = accounted for: 4

karen and ken - both coming
margot and saboud (asked) - one not coming - one ????

kristen sortais - asked - not coming

ilia and seymore and sarah - to be asked
linda sternberg - asked

syma and bruce - to be asked??? OK
barbara anderson - to be asked ??? OK


melissa and greg and sam - hold on asking - but most probably

phillip and mary - probably ask?

mr and mrs melissa - DEFINITELY hold on asking

Its Anniversary time... its anniversary time...

YES - the time is just about here! Today is Friday and on Sunday it will be our First Anniversary!

We plan to get together with our Maid of Honor and Best Man plus their partners at the Sacramento Brewing Company at Town and Country, near the Trader Joes. They have a buffet brunch w/champagn/beer... and Karen and I have been their for dinner and it looks nice. We hope the brunch will be nice.

As for gifts.. this is yet to be known to each of us recipients. It will be reported later.

It has been QUITE THE YEAR! We have traveled a lot. We have planned a bit/lot... as we try to make our home ours. See - firesteinhouse.blogspot.com for more stuff about that project. Suffice it to say we continue to think, analyse, etc. Now we are about to look at homes to buy and replace our Breton abode. Maybe???!!!....

Traveling began with our honeymoon in Hawaii in March, 2005. During the summer we went to Monterry (great dinner on my birthday), Ashland (with my daughters), and Newport Beach. In December we traveled to Utila, Honduras where we helped with the old (Max) and new (Dylan) grandchildren and where I learned to and got certified as a scuba diver. In Februrary, 2006, we visited my daughters in NYC and also visited relatives who I had not seen for quite a while! Also saw Gail and Larry. We stayed at Susan Rosenthal's wonderful apartment in Manhattan and had dinners and visits with Steve and Suzie and their son Ben and with Flora and Liz, too.

In NYC, visiting with my Uncle Jerry and my Cousin Sheera were two special wonderful visits! Visting with Cousin Arthur was quite wonderful, too.

Helping my daughters a bit in NYC included introducing them to some of my relatives and getting Amy a nice business suit. Amy had a lot of time to spend with us. Sarah made a lot of time, too. The girls made a wonderful Shabbat/Friday night dinner for us and their place was pretty nice. They are soon to be moving again and a new place they will probably be getting sounds good and is in Manhattan where they want to be. Jobs are developing and improving. SO... things are looking up.

Karen and I continue to grow and develop and continue to love and grow our love. We have people around us who are doing well and not so well We worry and love them and support them as we are supported ourselves in our home together. We really enjoy our family and friends and community. Life is good!

Let me say again --- life is good!! THANK YOU!!!!

Comfort and Control..... Who has it?

Ah, who controls? What is control? Is control good, bad, ugly?

All in the eye/mind/spirit of the one controled or controling. SO - if I avoid going here, there, etc - then the reasons I "avoid" is controling me. The reason might be safety. A reason might be comfort... In fact - perhaps COMFORT IS the point. And - being UNComfortable... ala - Pema Chodron IS the answer.

Of course - some controlling people will get the cooperation, so to speak, of the person who is trying to control. Ah... oh well. One can't make people cooperate or not or... whatever.

Most people mean to be good and control is probably often meant to be helpful. BUT - if a person feels controlled then that probably signals a lack of comfort and/or acceptance and/or understanding and therefore either communication should make clear the intent and the benign nature of the "control" OR the "control" should be stopped.

I must say that COMFORT is the least important reason for doing anything. Hasn't it been said taht "the comfortable go to hell"? or something.

Ah... to be comfortable... for how long? Why? WHAT IS COMFORT OR COMFORTABLE? Who knows? Who really has it? Anyone? Maybe not... since? all is in flux. All is uncertain. All changes. SHEEeeeeeSHHHHHH

Angry, enraged, TRAPPED?

So - I lost it the other night. Badly. Noticed while it was happening that I lost it... but kept on going with talk. Why? Who really knows... but I will say the following:

1. today, the final? thought on the origin of the rage is that I saw myself being trapped into doing something while I, for whatever reasons, really wanted to do something else. I was "asked" and told why it was needed and all in front of an audience and with a time constraint, too. SO... an answer was needed NOW and clearly it must meet the needs of some other... and my interests were not inquired about... SO - I was TRAPPED.

2. And... the "other" just talked and talked and talked and set up the situation so that the "other" could not be refused because illness and weakness was all on the "other" side. How could anyone refuse. SO - TRAPPED again! And the audience could see how needy was this other!

3. The reasons given may or may not have been the entire set of reasons. And - if I was to do anything else --- I would have been alone in a strange area of the city. THANKS alot. And I already had been told that "walking by oneself" was undesireable and even dangerous. So, I wonder, if this "danger" issue might have been a or even the reason!

I DO get angy. That is ok, I think. Becoming enraged is NOT ok. Being ENTRAPPED is also not ok. Feeling like I have no choice is a bad feeling for me. A VERY BAD FEELING. Nevertheless, I must try, in the future, to BREATHE through it. Even if it kills me to be trapped - that is something I need to do.... Right?

continuing to be stressed

So today I got feeling very stressed. I don't know why.. except some time presses hit me as I got out of the house a bit later than I might have... So - got to CBH about 10 after 11 and met Bill at about 11:40 instead of 11:30 and got to work at 12:40 instead of 12:30... but I am now a bit settled (although a document I hoped to read and have at the office is at home - sheeeeeettttt!)

It is about 3:30pm and I DO feel TIRED. So - while I slept ok, I think, it was not that good. I got to sleep a bit late, had some competition for space with the cat, Ajax, and got up earlier than I had to..... I will try to take a nap tomorrow afternoon.

Eating... hmmm... maybe too much wine last night at the Wolk thing.

GOOD NEWS - I worked out yesterday and the day before. Might work out a little later before going to do services. Or.. I might wait til tomorrow. Or maybe do tonight and take tomorrow off... Or do both!?

Having personal energy is good and I do not! I get energized by others... so it is good to be around people but then I am sort of sucking stuff out of them..... right? I need to have my own resources to share and contribute! This is not a good rut to be in!! I need to get rested and centered and better. And I need to exercise.

Stuff about Bruce and Susan is very upsetting... Maybe I am not processing that well. I certainly have not talked with anyone about it and may not. That is so to protect my friends but it is disturbing to me. I wish I had more time today with Bill so I could have talked with him. He would have been very good for such a conversation, I think. WHY though???

SPIRITUAL.... The Spirit.... !!!! What is happening now. NOW??? HERE and NOW!

Aaaaaahhhhh........

When in NYC

Go to Bnai Jershurun - - http://www.bj.org/
Services, on Friday, are at: 5:30 AND 7:15 - at:
W. 88th Street - The synagogue at 257 W. 88th St.(between Broadway and West End Ave.)
Saturday morning - 9:30 - at:
W. 86th Street Church of St. Paul & St. Andrew(at the NE corner of W. 86th St. and West End Ave.)

Go to MOMA -
The Museum of Modern Art(212) 708-940011 West 53 StreetNew York, NY 10019-5497
Saturday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m
Sunday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Monday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Tuesday CLOSED
Wednesday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Thursday 10:30 a.m.–5:30 p.m.
Friday 10:30 a.m.–8:00 p.m.
Closed on Christmas day and Thanksgiving day
Tickets:
Get an International membership for one... for $60.00 which allows purchase of $5.00 discount tiks. Get in Karen's or Sarah's name - so Amy and/or Sarah might use it..... This is in lieu of two time $20.00 for a day pass for each of us...



Museum of TV??

Statue of Liberty and/or Ellis Island
leave from Battery Park.... starting at 9:30 and then every half hour til 3:40....


The Cloisters
Fort Tryon ParkNew York, New York 10040
The Cloisters is a branch of the Museum devoted to the art and architecture of medieval Europe. Recorded Information: 212-923-3700
Directions

Hours Tuesday–Sunday
9:30 a.m.–4:45 p.m. (November–February)
9:30 a.m.–5:15 p.m. (March–October)
Monday Closed
Closed Mondays, January 1, Thanksgiving Day, December 25
Directions to The Cloisters
From Main Building
From Madison Avenue and 83rd Street, take M4 bus directly to the last stop (Fort Tryon Park–The Cloisters).
By Subway/Bus

Take M4 bus directly to the last stop (Fort Tryon Park–The Cloisters) or take A train to 190th Street, exit station by elevator, and walk north along Margaret Corbin Drive for approximately ten minutes; to avoid walking, transfer to M4 bus and ride one stop north.


The Guggenheim ??? and/or The Whitney and/or

David Letterman Show??? - I sent in a request for tiks...

The ZOO? - get pictures for Max???

Theater?

Dinners... ?? where????



See:
Susan and Joe
Gail and Larry?
My Uncle Jerry
Arthur and Marlene and Sheldon and ????
Priscilla??
Roy and Cathy??
Sheera and her mom and her daughter and Howie and also Tattie.
others?

STRESSED I am!!!

I am stressed...

the house
the kids
the job
the union
the play/schpeil
my leg/knee
my weight
my physical health/aka - exercise
taxes
investments
friends and their stresses, freakouts, etc...
ENOUGH????

from another post:
Stressors from the house
COSTS:
1.now our finances are easy. Housing costs are now half of what they will be after a re-finance, etc.
2. other "maintenance" costs coming up - heating/cooling;
3. new cars?
4. garden?
5. more travel?
6. loss of my office...!!!!
7. other??? - SEE ALSO - salt of the earth in wounds POST

Trust... The sorry State of the Union

I think TRUST is THE issue which is the problem for the State of our Union and nation.

We need to be able to trust that our privacy is not invaded which is related to the internal surveilance and to personal rights, especially as pertaining to women and choice.

We need to be able to trust that our country will only go to war to defend itself instead of acting aggressively and illegally as if we are bully.

We need to be able to trust that science and objective information will be heard and respected such as that which pertains to global warming and evolution.

We need to be able to trust that the rights of individuals, be they Americans or be they foreigners in our land, will be accorded the respect of our laws which is a true mark of a civilized country and which is also a Bibically recognized imperative.

We need to be able to trust that religious beliefs will be respected but that this country will not become a nation where religion will rule our laws as does in other countries. Religion is protected in this country but we need to strengthen and protect the secular aspects of our nation which today are under attact and in retreat.

We need to be able to trust that conflicts will be resolved so that all parties are respected and honored and that reason is supreme and not power.

so it is the new year and here is the post #!

Yes - it is the new year.... secular that is. It is late in the first month - the 18th to be precise. I am just not a regular writer yet... maybe someday.

In any case where are we? Or - where am I, etc...

First of all - the trip to Honduras was great. I relaxed and helped out and loved the baby and Max and read AND LEARNED TO SCUBA DIVE. I got certified and so now I am a PADI-certified Open Water Diver. Wow! And I went horse back riding. And we ate good and drank well. All and all - a good and productive trip.

Then we got back and needed a while (a week or more) to recover, rest, etc.. The trip back was 18 - 19 hours long. That takes a bunch out of you and even while in Honduras we got tired and built up a stock of tiredness as we got to sleep a bit late and up a bit early and the bed wasn't the greatest and there were insects, bugs, lizards, etc...

Now that I am back.... and the union vote has taken place and I/we lost... as the vote was in favor of signing this MOU... I now am going to see what will be with the Union and getting ready for the future.

My daughters are doing a bit better in NYC although they lost a large deposit as they moved out of their first place. But Amy is now working (albeit in NJ) and Sarah has a good tutoring job. I am hoping to travel out to them soon, maybe at the end of February.

Karen is well and getting better (she has had a flare). All is well and we are getting very close to moving forward on changing the house. Wow!!!!

so far away......

It is almost the end of the year. My Karen, my wife, and I are in Honduras on the Island of Utila visiting with Daniel, Kim, Max, and the newborn, as of Dec. 14, Dylan Einar. We are here to help as family and I guess we are doing that. We distract Max, we run errands, we change diapers (I have only done two and that is enough but there is always more!), we play with Max, we hold Dylan, etc, etc.... Karen is a great Mom and now Grandmom. She does it! She is good at it and she is meaningful and mindful as she does it. Quite wonderful to behold!

Utila is something else again. I have been very comprehensively bitten by sandflys and for a little while really suffered. I think I have it under control. I am not keen on going to the beaches but whenever snorkling is possible that is good. Karen and I went snorkling a couple of days ago off a boat which had some training divers. The snorkling was very good. There is a reef and we saw many fish. If we go out again soon we may see a whale shark and maybe dolphins, too. That would be really great!

Will I get scuba certification? It depends. I have a little congestion and that kept me from beginning today. Maybe soon. That would be pretty good!

We have been celebrating CHanukah with Max and with Daniel, Kim, and Dylan. Max is REALLY into it. The presents! and the candles! Each night he is quite excited and he like the clay dreidle song. All in all - time with Max is very good. He can be a handful at 3 and a half. But is he very good natured, really, and adverturesome. It is a big job and I do what I can when I can. Parents are really great and involved and good. They can use a break and Karen and I do provide that. So... all is good.

We have been away from home for about 2 weeks and have another week here and then we get home. I look forward to being away from the Utila bugs and in my own bed and I really look forward to LIGHT. Things are dark and dim here, mostly. This is to save power and to keep away bugs. I don't think I would do too well in the far north/south for long without light-therapy (as in that episode of Northern Exporsure). It is driving me nuts! And it is keeping me from reading. I did finish Plot Agains America by Roth the other day and now I am into Call It Sleep by another Roth. Call It Sleep is very engrossing. Sad, dreary, poignant, and more. I want to know what will happen to poor David and his mother and all. (I tried to read Doctorow's City Of G0d but it's style put me off). I look forward to reading more, soon, of Call It Sleep and then I also have Neuromancer by Gibson which, as Call It Sleep, is a 20th century classic. They are both different, I suppose - but will report on that later. Suffice it to say - I like READING!... And - remember, Karen and I read to each other early in our relationship and we will hopefully do that again.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Each of the years that Karen and I have celebrated New Years has been different. It has been with her friend Kim, at the end of 2003, then with her sister, Linda, in Santa Fe, at the end of 2004. Now we are in Honduras with her son at the end of 2005. All different and ok, was and to be.

This is/has been quite a trip. Perhaps I can characterize it as a family working vacation. COOL.

Next year ---- Maybe NYC with my daughters and some of my old friends and family. That could be something. Hmmm.... But - let me not seem complaining. I am noticing and as always - I want to contribute. Really.

More.... soon (note - there is at least one draft message - which I should review and publish).

LOVE!!!!!

a nice weekend

It was a nice, easy, relaxed weekend. We accomplished a few things. Got some chores done, went to an ok Mondavi thing (Chinese acrobats with nice music), I had a nice workout Sunday (and some aerobics on Monday morning), ate ok (fairly healthfully), probably did NOT do the Shabbat thing too well but better than some, phoned and talked with a few folks, and so .... here we are - Monday morning, Oct. 31, 2005.

I think I like this time change (we move the clocks back one hour and thus "get" an hour). I need to make a reservation for Burbank and the trip south that Karen is planning. And then we need to set the Honduras trip, too! I will check Continental in a few moments and see what happens out of NYC (so I might see the girls).

I have been reading the book Neurotica edited by ???? and most of the stories I would say are disturbing. Many are of another era. Some are harsh, angry. Some are silly, strange. An ok read, all and all. I have more stories to go!

And then - for December - we read ????? and will meet ?????

Friday night - Shabbat coming - last of october

Well, it is the end of the week and the beginning of Shabbat. Just about.

Soon I will be home and trying to enter into the spirit of Shabbat. Ah the wonder of this time. Time !!! Time!!! TIME.

Time is the great intangible. Here, gone, there, everywhere, nowhere, coming.......If some "thing" were to be sanctified - it would be time and it is time. Shabbat is Time. But - noTHING is to be sanctified. No idols.

As much as we look forward to and observe the Sabbath - in the moments of awareness we (may) lose the wonder. I wonder?

I will try this Shabbat to remain always aware and mindful that it is Shabbat. I will do many right things --- such as eat and drink well. Speak and think well. Rest well. Pray well. Hope well. All POSITIVE. All the Good Angel. Sing well. Be well. Love well. Live well.

salt of the earth in wounds

So - where I am.... hurting-wise. What are those areas which are distressed, disturbing, or otherwise negative???

In no particular order (but maybe in an order)

anxious about how my daughters are doing in NYC
my parents and sister and irreconsilable alienation
fun or lack of fun in general
problems with friends - new and old and older and younger
issues at my job
issues with the union
generally being heard/listened to.... even by Karen
health - particularly weight but also getting into regular excercise
issues of fixing up our house
issues of travel plans
issues of my interests and wants being heard and acted upon
financial stretching and possible breaking
general respect????
general consideration
general care.... who cares? about what? for me? for anything?
care in the community? and am I part of any community?

While "asking not what your community can do for you but ask what you can do for your community" is a wonderful thing in a wonderful world - what about when the individual needs help from the group?

SHHHHeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiitttttttt.

Succos - day one - early in new year

So.... it is now day one of Succos.... and there is the tossing of the mashed potatoes. Ah... so important? Or not. Something, though which was quite disturbing.... especially after last night (see previous post)

In any case - it is now near the end of the day.... Some stuff has transpired between Karen and I... and the rum and coke has helped to mellow me. Ahhh.... drugs!

So... that is that. Tomorrow is another day. This day continues. Karen will be home soon and I will/may have an appetite which I did not have earlier. And some interesting reading - Neurotica - the anthology. Woody Allen, Saul Bellow, Apple, others?????y

Why be disturbed about stuff I can do nothing about. Stuff which has happened. It seems at times - frustrating and alienating - to be so powerless. AAAAaaaaaHHHHhhhhhh.......!!!!!! Control is THE illusion. REMEMBER!!!!!

CONTROL IS THE ILLUSION.

All is well with the world always. All is as it is. All IS.

Rum IS. Martinis will be.... soon. And - food? Dinner? Whatever. Something. I could wish for some cheese or some beef or ?????? PIZZA. Or.... whatever. But I rant.... and rave.... and now feel a bit better. Grin and bare it. It is all a joke.

Aaaaahhhhhh......... This is better. I think. I feel better. I feel ok.

erev succos

It is now erev succos - I have a lulav/etrog set - but I have not set it up. Got it this afternoon from Chabad.... ok! My first. Some support for them and a new ritual for me.

This evening I made dinner - lots of tortollinis and a "sauce" w/chicken, garlic, brocolli, carrots, onion..... pretty good. Had some wine. Pretty fine - and left the room and went to my office as there was some tension and distress between my love and me. Some inpatience and criticism... I did make a lot of food. Whatever !!! And there is waste and lots of different ways to store the food in the refrig.... in covered, hard to see-through containers and way in the back where they are hard to see, too. And so.... Karen and I have our difference over how to deal with leftovers and whether or not I should - "finish this" now.... or through it away later. Ahhh... a little thing but a thing.

Love is a many splendid thing!

day one after Yom Kippur

This is the early afternoon of the first day after Yom Kippur. All has been good. I have been aok. So far - so good.

I will try to keep a running record of this goodness or lack of badness. To be more clear - I have been pretty good at not getting angry or too inpatient. I have not been demanding. I am not controlling (in general!). I do not plan to be worse in these areas. I plan, through some of these posts to maintain an awareness and record. Why? Why not? Being aware - being MINDFUL is THE KEY!

Today is also noteworthy in that it begins a new period as no other previous period has begun. I don't think there ever was a time after Yom Kippur when I had not talked with my parents during the High Holidays. This is new. This is ok. I DID check on there well-being relative to all the rain and flooding in the East by calling the local authorities. There was no flooding in their area according to police. That was good to hear. As for their health - Debbie's note indicated they were fine by its absense of anything problematical being mentioned and as indicated by them doing stuff at the local High Holiday celebrations. So - all is well. Good. And I am good and fine with this since it is all that is possible, really, especially as it protects me and mine which has been mightily assaulted by them over the years. No need to subject myself to their nasty stuff and nothing I can do that could ever be enough to please them. So it is.

And now... into the future!

But wait.... what about left-over and/or old notes of friendship or ??? - Well I sent something to John Ward which he may never read and something to Ms. Davis which she will probably read. Ah.....

on Eve of Rosh Hashannah - 2005/5766

Notes to consider, read, etc....

Every night before sleep, we give our tired and worn-out souls back to God. Every morning, we receive our souls anew, refreshed and full of energy. Therefore, the first words that we say upon waking are:

"I thank You ever living King,for compassionately returning my soul to me,how great is Your faithfulness"

In Hebrew:Modeh ani l'fanecha melech chai v'kayam,she-hech-ezarta be nishmati b'chemla,rabah emuna-techa

With this thought and intention of "I thank You," we begin our day. This thought accompanies us, always engraved in our consciousness, the whole day long.


Here is a piece from Thich Nhat Hahn:
From his book: "Our appointment with life".
(Another, more recent book I read by him, and the first I read by him, was
titled: Anger. It has made a big difference for me as have the several
books by Pema Chodron.

"Do not pursue the past
Do not lose yourself in the future
The past no longer is
The future has yet to come
Looking deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now
the practioner dwells
in stability and freedom
We must be diligent today
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death come unexpectedly
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows
how to dwell in mindfulness night and day
'one who knows the better way to live alone.'"

And from E
(there is more.... I will add when I locate it ....) (sorry)

a note

This is a note... a test note...

--
Kenneth L. Firestein, Librarian, klfirestein@ucdavis.edu
UC Davis, Carlson Health Sciences Library (near Tupper Hall)
100 NW Quad, Davis, CA 95616-5292 - (530)752-1678; fax (530)752-4718
Professional web page: http://people.lib.ucdavis.edu/klf
Union web page: http://kensucaft.home.comcast.net//2005unit17.html
-------------------------------------------------------
"The arbitrary rule of a just and enlightened prince is always bad. His
virtues are the most dangerous and the surest form of seduction: they
lull a people imperceptibly into the habit of loving, respecting, and
serving his successor, whoever that successor may be, no matter how
wicked or stupid."

once more...

once more... again... waiting to see stuff show up on blogline.

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

check blogline

hi...

---

Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page

testing.... rss???

This is a test of rss in this post!

From CNN - Health:

and - Technology: http://rss.cnn.com/rss/cnn_tech.rss


etc...HEALTH: http://rss.cnn.com/rss/cnn_health.rss

etc....

Buttons, buttons, buttons

Ah... I would like to better control or hide my "buttons". When someone presses one of my buttons I would like to internally experience the distress but externally not express my chagrin. Wouldn't that be nice! Hide my buttons from others but not from myself. I don't need to have a poker face just a zen-breathing face. Just breath in and breath out. In and out. CALM. AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhh........

People do what they do. IF they are doing something really TO me than the in/out breathing may not be sufficient or appropriate but often people just do their own things, right, wrong, smart, stupit, whatever.... and some are too old to learn better, some should know better but nevertheless, some are educable, some are not, some I can try to change and most are not my direct responsibility. SO... JUST BREATH IN AND BREATH OUT....DEEPLY.

independence day! BEER?!!:$%^@ED

Too much beer yesterday at lunch. Only good thing is that it was a lunch and I had all day to recover. Too bad that July 4th, 2005 was on a Monday and work was the next day. Way it goes.

Ice cream making is not working out for many of us! We are in a vortex of error. Everyone seems to not making their containers cold enough. We/I should have known that our outside refrigerator probably was not cold enough or set cold enough. Then there was the problem that Chuck had last week since he was not using enough salt. And Claudia, too, seems to not have gotten it right although it sounds like she got close. Tonight we will taste and sense how ours came out.... It will probably taste good!

But BEER - oh beer, oh beer! What didst thou try to do. FREE Beer.... How could I resist. Michilob true, but FREE. Shheeessh!

war, war, war......

I and all people in the United States support our troops. Our troops are brave and strong and they risk their lives. Support takes several forms. Support includes providing our troops with the means to make war and it includes the means to conclude a war. The means in both instances include intelligence and will.

It seems to me that concluding a war is dependent on the beginning of the war. The party who initiated the war seems to be the one who is most responsible for concluding it and that has meant, in recent history, that the initiator/aggressor has been forced to leave what has been invaded or surrender to those initially attacked. Germany and Japan finally surrendered. The North Koreans withdrew and ceased hostilities. We left Vietnam. We halted proceedings against Iraq in the early 90's. Things in the Baltics were ended when those being aggressive and brutal were stopped!

Sometimes we support our troops with weapons and armor and other resources they need to fight and win. On the other side we support them by getting them out of harms way!

Essentially we began the current war in Iraq. It is becoming more and more clear to citizens of the United States that this beginning was deeply flawed in all ways.

While it is a judgement call to go to war such a judgement should be very well considered because of the terrible destruction and death which is ever part of war. There are appropriate and right reasons to go to war. Self-defense is an appropriate reason. True proximate fear of aggression may be appropriate, too. On the other hand, there are inappropriate and wrong reasons to go to war such as greed and unfounded hate. Ignorance is not a reason to go to war. There is a right and and there is a wrong judgement which can be determined and which should be determined if war is to be considered and done. The judgement call must be made with special and great care by special and great people. Real intelligence must be brought to such a great and awful decision! Such special intelligence was not brought to this judgement call by our current national leadership.

Clearly our current national leadership is not special nor is it great. One can question the realness of our current leadership. That leadership has never been viewed as particularly intelligent nor good nor kind. That leadership has been useful to some people and some agendas and in quieter, calmer times whatever this leadership accomplished would probably not have been very dramatic or long lasting accept this leadership with all its weaknesses and lacks found itself with a most dramatic and significant event, i.e. the catatrophe of 9/11. Doing all the works of reacting, recovering, and preventing another such catatophe was the public rationale for putting our troops into harms way and that rationale was simply stated the wrong judgement call and that is now known and must now be dealt with appropriately and rightly!

Many citizens would like to see our troops out of harms way because we think our troops our bogged down in a situation which is terribly, terribly WRONG. It is WRONG and NOT RIGHT. Our troops were put into harms way with lies, incorrect intelligence, and poor planning. They should not have gone in to Iraq because Iraq was not where 9/11 came from nor did Iraq have the weapons of mass destruction they wre accused of having. Thus the lies and incorrect intelligence. As for the planning it had to be poor since it was badly based and furthermore the planning just didn't look forward to an exit strategy that would be acceptable to all.

There may have been a good reason to have gone into Iraq and that was the human rights abuses of the ruling regime. The only right way to address human rights issues is through the United Nations and/or the World Court. Our going in as a matter of asserted self-defense was a weak and untruthful one even if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or had some link to 9/11 which it didn't. We have long not cared for human rights abuses even when they reach the level of genocide and in Iraq that was not the case and certainly not since the first Gulf War and the no-fly zones and sanctions which followed that war.

In general people do not want to go to war. People do not want their children or their friends to be put into harms way but that is appropriate under the right circumstances. The circumstances which brought us into Iraq were not appropriate

Intelligence usually would lead a person to echue war. The mass intelligence of the people of a democracy usually adds up to an avoidance of war. Democracies defend themselves. Offensive war is the thing of minorites and sick individuals. These minoriites and the sick individuals who lead them usually have a problem absorbing and integrating information but they do have a set of static values which they are SURE THEY CAN CORRECTLY APPLY. And they apply those values by oppression and war and destruction! The application is WILLFUL but not intelligent. It is NOT SMART.

Ultimately, the people of our country which IS still a democracy will assert their massed intelligence and wisdom along with the goodness and kindness and compassion which are our values and which are dynamic and true. Ultimately, we the people of these United States of America will do the right things and stop the wars and aggressions and bring a truly compassionate peace to the world with fairness and intelligence.

competence and hope

I hope that I know or get referred to competent people. This thought is prompted by my lack of good knowledge about the workings of automobiles and my daughter's problem with her clutch or as it turned out the hydraulic fluid in her standard transmission. Maybe all is well. I hope so! And it was not a clutch - but only the fluid.

SO... I have lent my car to her for the weekend while I have hers and we will see how it goes. Is there are leak? If so... I can probably handle it better on the flats of Davis than my daughter could in the hills of San Fran!

Ahh.... competence and knowledge. Tough!

Tuesady (Monday)

Today was the first day of my work week. I took yesterday off as a vacation day and spent some time with Amy. Nice, interesting, informative, a bit stresses and there was some tension. I found out some stuff worth knowing. Especially that stuff was stuff Amy was/is hesitant to share and I hope she will learn to share stuff more and sooner so she can get whatever help might be available. Some help is just ideas, or moral support, or just airing issues. Some help might be more tangible. But families are where you can share things and air things and maybe get help for things... And that is IMPORTANT!! AND THE BEST. Families may also be where you can act rudely or be silly, etc... but is that as important? I think not! The lesson is to know your resources and use them. Getting help of some sort is a good use. Being silly and rude and not in good control is not a use of family resources but an abuse of them. Still - families must take them!!! AHHHH.......

I gave blood this morning. At the ARC - last time I was there I had just gotten married.... Is there something similar in the two experiences (ha, ha!).

Had a nice breakfast with daughters at Cindy's. I think we like Cindy's best for breakfasts in Davis. Cafe Italia is ok but there is more variety at Cindy's, more diversity, more interesting stuff. YES!

A couple of days ago Karen and I went to a wedding. Sy's and Regina's. Very nice. I guess I think all weddings, at least the ceremonies, are nice. Those ceremonies get IT done!

All is pretty well in my world. More later. Love you all!

Group expectations....!

Great Expectations.... a book to be looked at perhaps and considered. Did not the main heroic character NOT have many expectations? Did not those who had expectations suffer? As a group (even a small diad) did not all end well?

The word expectation implies a demand that one has of reality and reality has a way of doing its own things.

Hope and yearnings are better in that the person who hopes or yearns has a measure of control over what is hoped for or yearned for.

Hopes are more internal than expectations. I can hope that someone will love me. I cannot expect that they will love me. I can hope to be taken care of but I cannot EXPECT that. Perhaps someone SHOULD take care of me and/or love me but I like what Dr. Albert Ellis says: " They (the human race) believe they must do well; that other people must treat them kindly, nobly and do their bidding; andthat conditions must be absolutely just so - or else they become horribly depressed. It's deadly for people to feel that they MUST have these things.These things are contrary to the facts of life. They are preferences. I'mchanging people's musts into preferences."

I would prefer that such and such were the case. I may feel?, hope?, expect?, that something WILL ABSOLUTELY BE... that it MUST be so.... - but all one can do is express ones preferences.

YES? or NO?? - what is most true?

Expectations are shared with others in a way where one need to get something from the other and if something is not procured than there is guilt!

Hopes are personal and may require someone to do something but the other is free to do or not do and not guilt is implied nor incurred.

GUILT and BLAME and miscommunications and unmet actions are painful TO ALL! Suffering is so very likely when we go beyond our hopes and dreams and instead find ourselves amongst unmet expectations and despair.

Self-sufficiency is important. Personal independence is important. A community of help and support is what civilization is mostly about as we get old and unable to be fully independent. AND in any case at all times humans need other humans to provide all with food, shelter, and clothing. We are barely ever self-sufficient and therefore barely ever really independent and really free. Choices are made. Others are chosen or we have children (of whom we have expectations and/or hopes). It takes a village, nation, planet.....

IT takes more than ourselves and it takes more than just any one other. Spouses support one another but in some cases both grow old and ill and neither can care for the other. In other cases one may be very ill and another may be so well and active as to not want to be trapped into being a full-time caregiver. OOYY!!!!

doing stuff freely or not doing stuff

Why should one have to wait to do stuff which can be done now. Sure - patience is great. Waiting is difficult but often necessary. But - AT WORK... for producing stuff, being efficient, getting things done, helping people quickly - why wait when there are tools which can do things now. Easily. Effectively!

Ah.... ??? there are answers to the why posed above. Are those why's really necessary?

Centralize vs decentralized? Controlled vs liberated? Enslaved vs free? Restrained vs loose. Constrained vs active.

What is necessary by policy? What is necessary by economics? What is necessary by politics?

Nature of necessity? Nature of central control. Nature of freedom. Nature of licence? Nature of power. Nature of ????

gentle along the way

Be kind, be gentle, do no harm.

Expect that from others. IF I am not treated gently and kindly than I may be harmed and I may disengage from those people. Self-protection is ok. On another hand a Buddhist way might have me continually treated badly since that would excercise my patience and humility and forbearance, etc.

Do I need that testing? Maybe!? Do I need that grief? Maybe. Stuff sucks sometimes. While I must be good in my actions I must be able to deal with those actions of others, whatever they are.

The actions of others are not in my control. I am only in control of myself. AND - CONTROL is to be seen as not real, either. Even self-control. BUT I may have this a bit incorrectly exaggerated! The exaggeration is that I can have control over my actions and reactions. Controlling what I see and experience is NOT to be controlled! All "out-there" is beyond my control but how I think, and feel about stuff are things I can choose to do in a variety of ways. I can choose to not feel anything. I can choose to think a story. I can, instead! - choose to be simple and just see and feel. HMMM... JUST SEE AND FEEL? Much easier to say than do.

A general mode of behaviour which is practiced and which is to be gentle and kind is a way to proceed so as to do little harm. My being safe is one thing but keeping others from harm that I might do is THE OTHER! It is good to be harmless!

new stuff/old stuff and people stuff

So... we are in a world of change. Technologies change quickly. Some people are well versed in all the changes and even in stuff that is coming along but not yet here. Others may be luddite-like. Some may be only into the new.

SO - at work places what do old-timers have to offer newbies? And vice versa. And what about personal power, embarrassment, anxiety, etc.? Newbies may seem energetic and "in" and old folks may appear slow and out of it. How do things really change? What are the "radical" issues - by which I mean what are the core values and issues and concerns and tasks... etc... In other words - what is stable and continuing and what is transient and progressing!

RESPECT for old and new is the answer to how to make things happen. Transitions which take into account that old ways are sometimes THE ways some people will do things. In our libraries the change from the paper and wood card catalog to public online catalogs was long and disturbing to some and easy and wonderful to others.

which christianity?

(the following is quite incomplete and/or not well said and/or not fully thought-out - but has value even though it is something of a personal rant. I kept it in draft for several days... but here it is.... )

SO... IF the United States were to become a "christian" country one can wonder - which christian religion would it become/follow? Would it be the Catholic Church which will reign supreme or one of the Lutherin churches/synods or some Baptist or what?

Of course in the land of religous freedom we could then wonder - what about Jews, Buddists, Muslims, and others?

I like the supremacy of a secular democracy because a secular democracy is able to accept and tolerate all kinds of people and ideas and cultures AND RELIGIONS. A secular democracy is all encompassing and it is not solely centered on any one system and it recognized that there are many systems and ways of doing things and that no one system or way of acting is absolutely the best and most perfect. Secular democracy echues perfectionism and rather appreciates the grays as well as the blacks and the whites and in fact see the infinite rainbow which is the Universe.

I think the world has seen an evolution from the particular and singularly centered to a plurality of diversity. In the beginning of history there is a centricism around first the family and then the clan and then the tribe and then the village and then the country. Some today would have us centered around the planet and in speculative fiction (or science fiction if you like) the "center" is even beyond our planet and solar system!

Along the way of the ever widening centers has come religions. There are Catholic countries and Protestant countries and Muslim countries and a Jewish country and Buddist countries and Hindu countries. And perhaps other types, too.

Our country, the United States of America, as a colonized land was not centered on any one religion (though most were christian and there is large and terrible question of the native religions). Christianity is diverse! There are several types of Catholicism. There are MANY types of Protestant religions. There are many types within the many types. What we see in the Christian religions we also see in the Muslim and the Jewish and the Buddhist, etc, etc....

Diversity and a lack of an ultamite CENTER seems to be rule and the norm. WHY? And we might also ask, why NOT?

With countries centered on any one religion we often see war and domination and oppression and soo much more which is antithetical to peace. Religions almost always seem to want to assert that some one religion (and its ways and means and ????) IS THE FINAL RIGHT/TRUE WAY. This is light (or in spite) of the fact that the discoverer of the final-right-true-way is always some individual and what he or she has discovered by experience is never an experience of the masses. The masses always choose or are made to choose "the new way" but why and why not?

voting and ego and what is your point?

so... some people wnat what they want a lot. Ego may be in play. Often I don't care that much but when others get stubbornly set on a course my reaction is to get stupid like that, too. Anger and all that comes with that then develops. AND - making these others aware of their ways does not seem to be possible. SO - I get frustrated and then angry and then.... BUT - AHHHHHHHH....... what the heck!

A point is that voting is an important thing. Consensus, another important thing, is nice too. Accuracy is very important and when voting seems to suggest consensus but does not... what about when voting is truly closer and needs to really reflect what is really going on. AHHHH....... but... winners like to win. People want THEIR own way. And perhaps one can always get ones own way.... IF one knows what to do, etc.

To be or not to be masked by anger.

Whoever is angry will sometime no longer be angry.

Anger is hard on all. The object of anger suffers. The one who is anry suffers.

Suffering is real but not enobling. Suffering is not to be prolonged but it cannot be ended, either.

Doubt is related to suffering. One is not sure of anything and that causes one to feel lost and confused and uncertain and unsure and worried and maybe right or maybe wrong and so on and so forth - and in this state of consciousness or more rightly stated - confusion - one can suffer and be angry. Angry to be confused. Angry to be in doubt or to be doubted. Angry to be worried. Angry because one is right or because one is wrong.

ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY...... In all cases noted above the anger clouds the real feelings and thoughts. Anger is the mask. Anger is the GREAT MASK.

All things pass. Anger passes. Sometimes the mask remains longer than the anger. Our faces will freeze the old wives say. Or - perhaps it is our attitudes which freeze and become cold and brittle and either they do not change or they break into shatters and tatters. Anger's look and its feels can last a lot longer than the real anger and the REAL FEELINGS which were masked. Anger is not a thing to cherish. It is something to move off of as soon as possible. Move the anger away and/or aside and let the light and the darkness show through. Whatever the light or darkness is! And be the person you are in the light or the darkness. BE!

another day and another ??????

Last night I was going to cook a paella. Tonight it may happen. A version of it anyway. I am excited. Karen may be afraid..... it will be somewhat free-form. It will not have a lot of fish but there will be rice, safron or tumeric, and other good stuff. It will be good, I am sure!

Last night we went to the Buckhorn with an old friend of Karen's who came to town. The Buckhorn is always a treat and their tri-tip sirloin is wonderfully tasty. Yum.

I also ate at the Great Wall yesterday SO--I ate too much yesterday. Food is a problem for me. I need to do something? What would a Buddhist do? A Buddhist would pay attention! Be mindful. Notice the eating. Notice the drinking. NOTICE!

fighting....

Anything can be or become a fight. Anything can be and is a stress. All may be happy, funny, light, etc.. etc.. The same things can be sad, harsh, heavy, etc. etc. Judgements, bothers, rewards, punishments. Things are the same and things are different based upon the observer and his/her perception which is based on many, many factors.

We make distinctions and sometimes those distinctions are judgements which we feel or think. They are emotional or intellectual. In any case - the more judgements the less indifference and indifference is the great evil. The content go to hell. Those who don't care are without any cares! As long as we make judgments the more we are actively relating to what is beyond ourselves. We may describe or analyse something in an apparent neutral way but in any case they are judgements at some level. Something is more blue than green. Something is 100 degrees F. and that is hotter than something which is 80 degrees F. More or less hot. More or less blue. The less we judge the less we relate. The more indifferent we appear and become. Indifference is a way of rejecting relating. Indifference is the ultimate rejection. Or so it may seem.

I have felt and thought that indifference sucks. Silence and indifference is rejection. Is Silence Golden? Silence IS peaceful. The dead do not make much noise. The dead are rejected. Do they also reject? Suicides are said to reject! How does it feel when one is ostracized? When one is excommunicated? When one is not listened to? When respect is not given? Do such thing suck? Do they feel badly?


OR.... AND... ETC.....:

There are several posts I have written but which are now in "draft". I will probably go back and publish or delete them... BUT today? --- why not publish. And about what? Well.... I have been thinking - what is peace? What is silence? What is love? What is hate? And then what are people's responsibilities to each other and to their communities? Ah... but peace IS THE THING/GOAL and silence is soo often recommended. Keep silent. Don't respond. Don't argue. Don't fight. Don't even bring any difficult things up... no matter how tactful. Really !!! that is what is soo often recommended. And then Rabbi Nachman says - be happy. Don't be depressed. Don't get into a dark space.

my religion of DOUBT

The basic problem with religion is that while clearly one type does not fit all there is the simultaneous sentiment by some that all should be of one type. This is obviously mutually exclusive. This is obviously the way of the world. We obviously have a problem.

There is a solution to the problem and that solution is to have a community which is inclusive of all forms of moral and ethical living without respect to religious beliefs and practices BUT based on some transcendent being or force. There is a need to have some ultamite basis for morality and ethics so as to recognize where there is a line beyond which one canNOT go. The LAWS of a land are not such a line but they are the best we have and the best we can have. Those LAWS must be agreed upon by all sentient beings to which they apply. The phrase "sentient beings" would include all those victims of the Holocaust but would not include unborn fetus' as anti-Abortionists would have us think. Included within "sentient beings" seems to be dogs and cats and even horses. In other words those domesticated animals with which humans relate in some aware fashion. Dolphins are part of this group, too.

The "laws of the/a land" are the best we can have as we live within a world of wonder and doubt. Doubt is a REALLY GREAT FORCE. Doubt is something which can make you pause because with doubt there is not certainty that any ultamite act is absolutely right and true.

AHHH..... ---- DOUBT!!!!!

On another hand - doubt often does lead to anxiety. When one is uncertain one is often anxious and maybe afraid and when we are afraid we sometimes do things to try and achieve certainty. BUT - at bottom there was and is doubt and with doubt there can be no certainty. Doubt is more true than any truth. Truths often are of the moment. Truths are based on cultures and perspectives and other things that change. Feelings effect what we think is true. Feelings change. Our age, how old we are, effects what we think is true. That changes, too. Faith is gained. Faith is lost. Doubts, too, change, but conceptually - all hail DOUBT! And as we act let us acknowledge our doubts and acknowledge that things change and realize that being tentative is being most real and honest and true.

On my own for a while.....

So... I am on my own for a couple of days. Karen is away. I plan to rent a few movies, have dinner with Bill Bowsky, do some nothing, go to Oakland for the Union and then also see Sarah and help a little with her move.

BUSY at work. No time to take off a whole day! Shheeesh! People sick, people gone, people away. Tough time! Getting me tired and down and more tired. And today I have been awake since 4:30am (I took Karen to the airport for an early flight). SOOO.... just hanging in here.

Got some work done today... including setting up a new list for my library colleagues (read - union/represented colleagues). Aha!

BUT - Meditate! Meditate! Meditate! - and bring G-d in so I can link myself to the ALL. Yes! I must not be/feel/say I am so tired, etc. I must be strong. I AM STRONG. Yes!

ANGER - anger is quite consuming and sad to behold. It is terrible that people get and stay angry. It is too bad, a shame, that people don't do more to help people move away from their anger. Oh well.... IT IS HARD TO HELP PEOPLE. Especially angry people. And most people are not into "hard". So... easy does it. Wait. Be patient. Time will tell. Time will heal. REALLY? Maybe. Maybe more can be done earlier... but... whatever.

The MOVIE POST

This post sort of begin with the following which came from Monday, May 16, 2005's post:

And - I need to rent a video for Wednesday night and maybe for Tuesday night, too. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events would be one; another would be: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So - a Jim Carey mini-festival. And then how about: Donnie Darko; and the Kill Bill movies; and Dogville plus the other several movies by the director: Lars von Trier - such as: his Gold Heart Trilogy (Breaking the Waves, The idiots and Dancer in the Dark.

SO... that is a lot for now.. More listed in another post!!!

THIS IS THE OTHER POST. Here are some other movies (all from IMDB.com:

One flew over the cuckoos nest
Cidade de Deus (2002)
Grand Central
Apocalypse Now (1979
To kill a mockingbird
The Third Man
Fight Club (I own this... yicky to start... but I should finish sometime)
The good, the bad, the ugly.
Jim Jarmusch movies such as: Coffee and Cigarettes,
and Jim Jarmusch movies such as: Eating; National Lampoon Goes to the Movies (1983);

More to come....

Monday, Monday...

So... here I am again... a couple of days later and just over the weekend. Friday night, all day Saturday, Sunday... there were some rough moments!!! Last Thursday night at Bruce and Susan's we had a time to remember - if only I could. And so.... fear was in the air on Friday. Karen had gotten very afraid on Thursday since there seemed to be a near medical emergency. But... who knows? In any event the weekend was colored a lot by what happened Thursday and relaxation was on my mind but processing was on Karen's mind. Rightfully so but still - I would have liked to have waited. But NOOOOOO..... SO - whatever! - I can understand that Karen was upset but I also feel defensive and am thinking defensively, too. I actually think that Bruce went a bit overboard. But do I know? Can I know? NO - I CANNOT REALLY, EVER KNOW. And that is that. I believe there was a lot of over-reacting going on... and so... moving on is all I can do. Sorry, but true.

And so... here I am - Monday. I am a bit tired. I have been working out ok for the past week. On target to do something at least every other day. And I can use a day off!

Karen is away for a few days beginning tomorrow. I take her to the airport very early in the morning. I could - maybe will - workout tomorrow morning early. As I did today, in fact. Thus - keeping going!!

Food intake is NOT going well. I am eating too much. Sneaking things like some ice cream and at the office - chocolate covered coffee beans. I do need to stop such. I do need to lose 10-20 pounds in the next month or so. That would be VERY GOOD! I have put on my "Weekly to do" document to EAT BETTER!!! It may be time for signs, again.

Plans are going very slowly relative to Ashland. The July dates are not too good for seats as per the web. August is not a go because of stuff the kids need to do. Hmmmm... maybe Septemter?

AND - I need to make some telephone calls. To my Uncle Jerry, and to my Cousin Arthur, and to Cousin Sheera, et al, and to Susan Rosenthal, and to Gail. THAT's alot!! I need to schedule and dial!

And - I need to rent a video for Wednesday night and maybe for Tuesday night, too. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events would be one; another would be: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So - a Jim Carey mini-festival. And then how about: Donnie Darko; and the Kill Bill movies; and Dogville plus the other several movies by the director: Lars von Trier - such as: his Gold Heart Trilogy (Breaking the Waves, The idiots and Dancer in the Dark.

SO... that is a lot for now.. More listed in another post!!!

AND NOW - - - - > Up and at'm again

It has been such a long time since I wrote here. Even though it may have been less than a month - the last post was a bit perfunctory, I would say. And this one.... hmmmm....

The last post was about Passover and preparations for Passover. Prep was a bit minimal, Karen was terrific getting soo much together and keeping it real (no corn stuff in stuff, no breads or other grains, etc, etc!!), the Seder went well with good discussions and with moving along through most highlights. Our little group seemed to be happy. I still would like to have it a bit different/better/something.... So - wait till next year, as the Dodgers used to say.

Mothers Day came and went. I can't help but think about that and about my Mom. BUT - I don't obsess too much anymore. Essentially - Mom is very special. And we shall leave it at that.

Busy, busy, busy!!! And so - STRESSED! But - finally dealing with most things and getting into some good healthy routines. There have been some health issues and also a lack of exercise and meditating. I did do both the past two days. Today may be an off day. Tomorrow will then HAVE TO BE ON!!!! My body feels pretty good but there is some stiffness and aching. My head is helped by the meditation. AHHH!!!

Karen is doing good. We are doing good. Our stressing is being moved through. My daughters are doing fine. I think and hope. Sarah is going to take time off this summer before she and Amy head to New York. She will be coming home for about 7 weeks... and I hope things go well with and for her. Amy has not talked about her plans for the same period time and I think she will work longer and remain in San Francisco during the summer.

And me and vacation? And with Karen? Well - we are probably going to Monterrey in August and in July I hope to go with Karen and my daughters to Ashland. Sarah and Amy and I used to go to Ashland a lot. Almost every year for a while. We had some good times! This is like one of our real things. In fact... I will get on to this again, now, today, since we have to choose some dates and Amy will need to get some time off from work. I should be able to get off fairly easily and Sarah will not be working and Karen will hopefully not have a problem. BUT -- plans need to be made!

And other plans being made are changes to the house! We are looking to enlarge the master bedroom, have a new master bathroom, have a laundry room inside, and then also enlarge the kitchen. I have a computer planning program I got free once upon a time from Cyberrebates. I am using it to good effect, I think. An addition of about 250 square feet or more for the master bedroom suite is being drawn up and for the kitchen we have hardly gotten started but we may move into the living room space or move the kitchen over into the dining area space. OR... AHH!!! NEW - change the door of the garage, remove much of the lawn (make it a bit like Susan Palmer's) and then move into some garage space, as well as move into the dining area. In some other words.. if we take out the laundry area than open into the garage on that wall! AND THEN - where to put a hot tub? and doors to the outside (off the dining area onto that side of the house), etc....

BUT --- lets keep the stress down! We WILL get to these things. We are thinking and planning and moving along. We are still working in the garage to unpack and re-arrange. Stuff is and will happen! And the money will come from????

pre-Passover - 2005

What a day it has been. May have had a bus just pass me by. Maybe not. Then... the morning meeting went badly relative to using Netmeeting. Our Systems folks did not get it running. Disappointing and frustrating, at least! Sheeesh.

Moving right along.... this weekend will be hectic. Two Seders.. one in Sacramento and one, on Sunday, at our home. Ready or not!

I have not gotten my script together yet. I have some ideas and will need to photocopy some songsheets, I think. I need to check what I have at home from previous years. Then build on that. This always happens... I always feel like doing more than I ever do. Sheesh.... AND - no Turkey this year. A chicken dish will be put together. I think I will try to fry a turkey for 4th of July. Hmmm... maybe! Or some kind of Turkey dinner for my daughters before they take off for NEW YORK CITY!!!!! Sheesh...

We have lots of Manishewitz - Extra Heavy Malaga.
Folks who will be there are:

1.Karen
2.Ken
3.Sarah
4.Amy
5.Margot
6.Linda
7.Ilia
8.Seymore
9.Sarah
10.Melissa
11.Greg
12.Sam
others????
Maybe Philip
and????

Wedding and wedding pictures, etc...

On March 19, 2005 I married Karen Joyce Spatz, now: Karen Joyce Firestein. LOVE!!!

Pictures can be seen at:
See pictures of the weddinghere.

Ahhh... beautiful!

and so it goes

So - being disavowed by my parents is the thing. And - their karma is no longer linked to me. Some might say - "their loss" and others might say: "your/my loss". BUT - what can one do? Control is not possible. I can't control and I can't be controlled. Nor should "control" rule, so to speak. May freedom reign.

Still - can't help but feel sad sometimes since there have been so many lies that I have been told and that I have almost believed. And - so many lies that people say which they themselves believe.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Fortunately, the world is a good place. It is wonderful.

Fortunately, I have a good life and a good wife. She, Karen, is wonderful. And good.

And - fortunately, I have had wonderful and terrific and good children who I dearly love. They are two of the most wonderful young women I can imagine! I hope for and wish them the most happiness, always. I worry about them, sometimes. I am anxious about how things are going in their lives and in their work - but I look forward to better times, always.

Optimism is the way. The practice is to be mindful of the moment and to notice how the moment is usually very, very good!

AH... LOVE!

my peev about being listened too?!

So - I just don't get listened to a lot. It bugs me. I am very disturbed but it is MY problem. It is just that it seems like I should only bother saying what I will be willing to insistantly assert. Anything else - well - if I enjoy talking to myself than just go ahead and assume that is likely to be all. Or something like that! Shit.

and now.... for something completely the same!

The same - shit! - you know - the stuff with my sister. Ah... she is just toooo much!

So why bother? Guilt about not having bothered once before? But - now she is more than old enough. And - I have become involved in a discussion and now I have a question she can answer which might be interesting. In any case - this has taken a lot of energy and enough is about enough at this point. Too bad, soo sorry.

It is really a shame!

small things, big things

I think the Talmud says that one should follow all mitzvots without thinking what is a large one and what is a small one. It is not for us to say what is big and little. They are all from G-d.

In my life I have peevs and such and some are seen by others as big and some as little. For me - their size is not the point. In fact - I sometimes will not talk about or complain about the big things because they are big while small things may be seen as manageble. Maybe I am wrong to deal with things this way.

What does one have control over? The big picture? OR the details?

From Fugitive pieces by Anne Michaels
p.22: "'It's a mistake to think it's the small things we control and not
the large, it's the other way around! We can't stop the small accident,
the tiny detail that conspires into fate: the extra moment you run back
for the something forgotten, a moment that saves you from an accident -
or causes one. But we can assert the largest order, the large human values
daily, the only order large enough to see.'"

ahhhh fighting

Fighting between those who are close. Those who have a history together. Those who share lots of life and who can have lots of issues. Some unsaid. Some crossovers. What have you? What you have is difficulty in focusing on the single things that come up. One person says - this is bothering me... and the other person says - well such and such is a problem for me. The such and such is a reaction to the "this" and now who knows what is the problem. One problem has become two and there really was just one... but now there is confusion and distraction and a first escalation and thus the opportunity to further escalate. and DISTRACT.

Darn....

Talmud says:
"5. Yosi ben Yochanan of Jerusalem said: Let your house be wide open and let the poor be members of thy household; and do not talk much with women. This was said about one's own wife; how much more so about the wife of one's neighbor. Therefore the sages have said: He who talks too much with women brings evil upon himself and neglects the study of the Torah and will in the end inherit Gehenna."

Talking with ones wife may be about issues and differences and peeves and anoyances and talking directly with the person who is party to the difficulty is very difficult. Defenses go up and too often offense happens, too. Some say the best defense is a good offense!

confession - vidui

On Yom Kippur we Jews recite the Vidui which is a confession of our sins. We do this publicly in and as a congregation at our Services. Some "sins" we may have committed and some we may not have. The idea of reciting the full litany with all the community may be assume that all such misbehaviours have been done by someone. OR - it may be a way of listing all those things which should not be done so as to serve as a notice and reminder of such things.

In any case... I and Karen are about to be married and it is a tradition to recite the Vidui/Confessional. How and when is not exactly clear at this moment and we will check with the Rabbi but the point must be that the Wedding is an end and a beginning and therefore a time to cleans ourselves. SO - we do the confessional and see forgiveness and we give forgiveness.

So much separation will be part of our wedding. Havdahlah separates the mundane week from the Holy Shabbat. The Wedding separates our pasts from our future together. All that went before has value and I/we are grateful for all from the past. But - the past is no longer! And we move into the future, together, and with this community and with others, too! Others who couldn't make it here and others who have not yet been met. Viva the Future!

forgiveness - so hard!

Forgiveness is the most important ability that anyone can have. Or... the ability to forgive is one of the very important qualities that a person needs. And - to be forgiving is very difficult. To be sorry and/or apologetic is also difficult.

SO - who said living was easy? Most people say that life is a struggle. Suffering is said to be everywhere. Joy may also be everywhere. Neither may be anywhere.

Being forgiving is not easy. So - is the opposite easy? Is it easy to hold a grudge? Is it easy to continue to do wrong things to somebody (a lover, a parent, a child) even when you know what you do is not good?

Well - I think it is not any easier to hold a grudge than it is to be forgiving. Furthermore, it is not easy to really be apologetic, which would mean that the bad thing(s) one is apologizing for will NEVER be done again as it is difficult to correct bad behaviors.

NOTHING is easy. Everything is difficult. Help is needed by all.

People who get hurt can help by not holding those grudges and memories and certainly not throwing things up in a person's face again and again and again. I don't mean that a person should forget and suppress memories of what happened or what was done but a certain amount of forgetfulness can help with forgiveness. The victim and the perpertrator can work together to do the difficult task of changing. A so called "perp' doesn't need to be reminded of how s/he acted. The victim can be kind and supportive of new thinking and behaviors which the perp is trying to make into new habits.

All this is known to sociologists and psychologists who have seen people with deep seated problems change in treatment settings only to revert to old ways if they return to the old community. It takes a community to change and to maintain change. Individuals can do a lot but they can only achieve so much in the face of peers and communities which challenge them, especially when the challenge is not out there as a challenge but is out there as a powerful and secret seductive force which is asserted unseen and somewhat unknown. The Unknown is something to be anxious about because until it becomes known you don't know what you are up against. The Unknown is a difficulty to move beyond. It is, perhaps, just one of those things that are not easy to get beyond. It is hard to get to know .....

So... it is hard to know what might happen if forgiveness is given and accepted.

It is hard to know what will happen if we hold our hard and bad memories and feed our unforgiving grudges.

Stuff is hard. Stuff is not easy. (I am sounding like the parodies of the president - so maybe it is true for him... and maybe Bush's assertion that things are hard is something which resonates with people since we all have things that are hard.... but this political diversion is not for this post).

Blessed are those who ask and receive forgiveness. Blessed are those who give and take forgiveness. Blessed is the act of forgiving. Amen.

wedding, wedding, wedding

All is the wedding! And all is moving along ok. We have many questions yet to answer and things to do but we are moving along ok. We are still looking at wedding cakes or alternatives. And what about that Champagne Fountain? As in "Unbearable Lightness of Being"

non-partisan suffering

Democracy is a wonderful thing, we think. But do we really think and believe that? "Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried." -Winston Churchill.

Ah... to suffer about ones opinions and social, political wishes and values. That is what happens when ones viewpoints are in the minority. And that suffering is not made easier because you are not alone but you have the company of as many as 50% of the voters less one! The suffering is magnified and multiplied by being in the company of those others who have LOST!

But have you/they lost? Has the other side WON? Do the winners suffer, too, as they anguish over the possibility of becoming losers sometime in the future?

Democracy means, perhaps? most fundamentally - CHOICE. And choices change as time progresses. Perhaps a new context appears. Perhaps new feelings arise. Perhaps when young a person wants what an older person has but when the young become older then they are the elders who have earned what they have and want to keep it. Simple as that and more complicated, too.

BUT SO MUCH SUFFERING!!!

Why don't YOU (you) see ME (me)? Why don't YOU(me) see ME(you? There are KNOTS to untie and not until then can the straight and narrow be seen as the infinite continuuom life and reality it.

Pluralism is reality. There are groups and diversity and differences and conflicts and harmony AND at core there are certain things that are common to us all. What is the commonality? That is THE GREAT QUEST.

an RSS ??? from class

look at this:

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Will this work?

been awhile....

It has been awhile since I last wrote. Lots has happened. Today is a beautiful day. So was yesterday. Weather-wise. Outside!

Inside - the weather has been rough. But I should not say that. I should say it has been.... Well I don't know what to say as I think about the way of R. Nachman who would have us getting more of the same we have. If we have joy - we will get more joy. If we have sadness we will get more sadness. Whatever we have and say we have will attract more of the same. This is like the little angels on ones shoulders on Shabbat. One angel is harsh and the other kind and loving. If one comes home and the house is not nice the harsh angels gives the blessing: may next Shabbat be like this Shabbat... and so that angel is saying may things not be nice next week. If on the other hand/shoulder one comes home to a beautifully set table and wonderful foods the other, kind angel give the blessing: may next Shabbat be like this Shabbat.... and that is wishing for the good!!

Ah... so what does one do when a rough patch has been slipped into ones life. IGNORE IT? MAYBE!!!

A rough patch is just a patch. It is passed and done with. Hmmm....

So... let me assert - I am happy. I am fine. I feel good. I did ok !!! last night, for instance. I barely lost my cool. I stopped and paused and carried on calmly. I ended my anger, no matter what size is was. As for my resentment I am trying to not be resentful or worried or bothered. I may be ever more careful. (and G-d says - you think this/that is being careful! - I'll show you careful.... hmmm what would that be like?)

(and of course... is ms. karen reading this?) - or my kids???

R. Hachman says - do anything it takes to not be depressed. Fake it if you have to. Making believe one is not depressed soon has you believing you are not depressed. Grammatically it works. In life - it works, too. (Whenever I feel afraid, I whistle a happy tune... and the happiness in the tune, convinces me that I'm not afraid.... etc...etc...)

I am thinking that I just want to have some peace and quiet. Some time to read and sit comfortably. Interestingly - the book: "Summer in Williamsburg" begins very depressingly! A suicide and then kids and all trying to figure out why??? BUT - reading was an escape from the rough patch....

And what was that rough patch. Why go into it. Why bother. Today is a new day. This moment is now. AAAAaaahhhhhhh.......

IF the past can stay in the past then the present and future are open to any and all possibilities. The past ..... I keep wondering about the value of the past. The past can teach and provide information and lessons but it can be quite intrusive if one is not careful. One can see now what really was once upon a time but is NOT now... but can become now and that is unfair to the present. Now is what it is. Now is not the past. The past is not the future. The present is not the future, either. The past is gone. GONE!

After Chanukah

So it is now after Chanukah and after several days of guests and dinners and candles and all. Tonight, Wednesday evening, Karen and I will have time just to ourselves. We have things to think about such as:

1. More plans about the wedding.
2. House projects - for tonight and/or this weekend
3. We could check in on finance issues for this month.

Later this afternoon/tonight we get the new bed thingy for Karen's office which will be nice. A hi-riser which will take up less room when not fully in use. Karen then can better arrange and work in her office.

My office is rather neatened up after the terrible explosion caused by my computer crash. Things are still not fully fixed with my computer but it is working and now I am reloading files and programs. In the course of all this a did something to Amy's old computer and I need to get files off of her system!!! Mess after mess!!

AND - WORKOUT! I NEED TO WORKOUT AGAIN. I need to eat better and less and workout and stretch, etc. And meditate, too. MAYBE this evening!!! More blogging on this later and regularly!!!

choral crap

Is it crappy to have been barred from the chorus for the second half of the year? I think so and I expect to pursue this a bit. Just now I sent the fourth email to Jim McCormick who I think is the person I need to talk to. We will see if he answers now. My patience is at its end. Next????

Ahh.... so Jim finally got back to me... and was not helpful. In fact he was downright negative, accusatory, and inflexible. So.... we have agreed to exchange a check for the binder. And then????

SO... (writing in this a number of days later) - QUESTION - what do I want or want to do? Justice? Equity? What????

secular or cultural judaism

So.... most Jews are secular and so identify. Sounds right to me. Yet they as such and the civilization which they form and are part of is not studied or taught or disucssed. Generally. Here comes - Posen Foundation and the Center for Secular Judaism and its founder Alex Posen who talked this afternoon at the UCD Campus.

NOTE - from their web site: ( http://www.culturaljudaism.org/ccj/about )

"Mission of the Center
“I’m Culturally Jewish, But I’m Not Religious”
Cultural Jews have a passion for their Jewish identity, yet they struggle to express it in ways that are consistent with their beliefs. They are far from alone. In fact, a rapidly increasing number Jews throughout the world identify themselves as cultural, non-religious Jews.

According to an important study of the Jewish population released by the Graduate Center of The City University of New York (AJIS 2001) , nearly one-half of American Jews identify themselves as secular or somewhat secular. One-half of American Jews are completely unaffiliated, and do not even belong to a community center or other Jewish organization. Yet, cultural Jews are vastly under served by existing programs. We are working to fill this void."

Interesting talk by Alex Posen and also by David Biale. The question of who is a a secular Jew will be answered by the body of produced literature and art and all. I am not sure yet how this will work, look, feel, etc. The assertion that there are and were many Judaisms is interesting but what is CORE? IF the Tanakh is at the core what does it mean to put THE JEWISH Religious Book at the center of a secular culture also named Jewish and yet not be religious or anti-religious. BUT I think I ramble and am not as informed as I might be nor am I thinking outside the box of the Bible. I guess that the points might be that the mainstream secular culture includes as part of its heritage the Bible as well as the New Testament and other religious tomes and yet is secular. The question then may be the longevity of our Jewish Cultures - both religious and secular. This differs it is said from the longevity of other cultures but is that true? I wonder. Certainly the Christian culture has a call on longevity and so does the Greek culture. And Chinese culture, etc. The longevity of the Jewish Cultures which have survived without a homeland may be unique especially as a secular phenomenon OR some might argue that the secular culture is intricately linked to the religious culture. Maybe the secular depends on the religious. Maybe not. Maybe the other way around OR maybe the two co-exist and survive because there is the two! Ah... that would be a nice spin. BUT - how to determine the necessities?

More later, sometime!

Wondering (family?)

So... I wonder if it is family that is at the core of soo many of my problems. Either I have been oppressed or I am being oppressed or I may have oppressed or I may be oppressing... HOW DEPRESSING!!!!

But - I shall not be depressed. I shall fight depression and its master - sadness by ??? Well I am not sure how I will deal with sadness but as they say - pain is real but suffering is optional. Pain = sadness and suffering = depression. Why suffer? How does one suffer? How does one free oneself from suffering?

"May I be free from suffering and the root of suffering."

And what is the root of suffering?

Suffering and the root of suffering in the Buddhist tradition is directly related to the fact that we are all going to die. We suffer if we grasp at life while keeping in mind that which was or will be AND!!! - because the past is no longer changeable and the future is not known - we suffer either regrets or anxieties. IF WE ARE ON THE NOW and the now is ever transient and if we do not GRASP THE NOW then we are here and all is all! We are not sad about the past or worried about the future and usually the now is ok. IF the now is not ok then the now will end and a new now will be and it may or may not be sad or glad, etc. All the nows are news! AaaHhhh!

So right now I am not with my family and they are not bothering me and I can hope they are well and I can wonder about them but since I don't really know what is happening with them now I don't have to be sad or worried or anything beyond OPEN TO WONDER. THEY would have me sitting here worrying and wondering. Or maybe they would not... but why should I and why should anyone, ever?

Years ago I learned a lesson about caring about my children. That lesson essentially was - there is often little I can do. I am not in control AND EVEN WHEN THEY ARE WELL CARED FOR... as when they were with their Mother - shit might happen. That is something to remark about but not worry about. Why worry? Me worry? Worry cannot be the correct word. I can wonder but to worry is to put a negative spin/expectation on the considering of things and that is a waste of feelings! When I used to say that I did not MISS my children I never meant I did not often/always wonder how they were. It is just that the word MISS seems negative and I didn't want to lay that on them or myself.

Wasn't that wonderful?

Generosity

So... generosity. Ah - isn't real kindness a very generous thing. Generosity is a behaviour which is done with no expectation of a return of the favors.

OR... in the words of many others, many with which I agree but some I don't:

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.
Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

He who confers a favor should at once forget it, if he is not to show a sordid ungenerous spirit. To remind a man of a kindness conferred and to talk of it, is little different from reproach.
Demosthenes (384 BC - 322 BC)

That's what I consider true generosity. You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.
Simone de Beauvoir

Generosity with strings is not generosity; It is a deal.
Marya Mannes

Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever.
Margaret Cho, weblog, 03-11-04

To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness.
Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC)

I have three treasures. Guard and keep them:
The first is deep love,
The second is frugality,
And the third is not to dare to be ahead of the world.
Because of deep love, one is courageous.
Because of frugality, one is generous.
Because of not daring to be ahead of the world, one becomes the leader of the world.
Lao-tzu (604 BC - 531 BC), The Way of Lao-tzu

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
Tao Te Ching

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

We are here to add to the sum of human goodness. To prove the thing exists. And however futile each individual act of courage or generosity, self-sacrifice or grace-it still proves the thing exists. Each act adds to the fund. It needs replenishment. Not only because evil flourishes, and is, most indefensibly, defended. But because goodness is no longer a respectable aim in life. The hound of hell, envy, has driven it from the house.
Josephine Hart, "Sin"

He who gives what he would as readily throw away, gives without generosity; for the essence of generosity is in self sacrifice.
Henry Taylor

And that is that for today.... (except I might go over some drafts and publish them)

Love to you all! Ken

THE Ketubah

A couple of days ago - on Friday, Nov. 26, 2004 - the day after Thanksgiving we decided on the following:

Here is what our Ketubah looks like;



And here is the text we will use;



Karen also has found a wedding dress.

The next big thing is deciding on a band and we have several good leads, we think.

More to come, of course. CHECKOUT: www.geocities.com/kkaern2004

moving along and something new

THE SOMETHING NEW is a new blog at: librarianken@blogger.com
Check it out.

Sheesh! Lost the first writing of this day... So to reiterate:

Settled the Ballroom thing. Put down a deposit yesterday.
Caterer needs confirming. Seems like Morrisons will be it.
I will ask Bruce to be my best man tonight and then Susan Rosenthal will be asked to be part of My Party.
Bands are being checked into. We will select one soon. Several seem good.
Flowers are being looked at, too.
Other things are coming together.
Tango lessons continue but I don't practice much.

My Family !!! - Who, what, where? etc....

So.. I was writing about the future and that it is an unknown and an unknowable, etc... etc... And yet we plan and hope and have expectations. And then we have miscues and mistakes and changes. When things began with Karen and me things got to changing immediately. A sign? An omen? A good thing? In any and all cases - IT WAS REAL.

The story - we decide to go out for dinner. We choose Sudwerk. It is too crowded and so we make a change. We go to California Cafe. We order drinks and the drinks we order are glasses of wine. We almost immediately find that we would both prefer Martinis and we change the wine to Martinis. And so it goes....

Other things are stable, so to speak. They continue as usual. And that is nice.

And changes can happen. And we are devoted to each other. And we can count on each other. And we are free, too. And we have made choices. ahh.... goooooodddd!!!

serenity, equanimity

1. The serenity prayer....
(
G-d, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

or
2. Dwell in the great equanimity.... (may I dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression, and prejudice)

Whatever!

3. Pain is real but suffering is an option.

Ladidah - - and that is all folks. for today.

another week

So.... yesterday, Sunday, 11/14/04 - I got another rejection by my sister. She just can't seem to figure out a way to come to the wedding that would reflect emotional maturity. I guess. Either she can't do it or she won't do it... Won't because of the past. Can't because she is just not yet old enough to get it. She is physically 51 years old but emotionally she is still Daddy's girl or something like that. Too bad she never got out of orbit. And as for me... am I still in their orbit when I grouse over this? Well... maybe and and then again maybe not or maybe This is IT! But - peace unto all.

So... I want to come up with a plan to really develop surragates for my old biological family. Someone to be my dad and/or mom and my sister, too. Maybe get a brother. And some local cousins. But REALLY. There could be a role for Linda Sternberg (sister) and Larry and Norma Rappaport (dad and mom?). And Neil Hollander (brother?). What about Bill Bowsky? And Linda and Stu, too. And Syma and Bruce. Lots of possibilities. Sign them up sometime! REALLY

Karen is out of town today and tomorrow. So... what is for dinner? I know - how about some hot italian sausage with wine or beer and salad and olive bread from Safeway! YES!!! Do I not eat what I want to sometimes? Maybe... and maybe not. I must lose some weight. Again! I must watch how I eat and what, etc... And I must enjoy it, too. Right!?!!???

I miss Karen. She is away at a meeting and enjoying some time at a beach in Ventura. Good for her!!! I can take it. Sure. Of course. On another hand I remember my dear departed friend David who did not like traveling. Some of that dislike may have been discomfort when away from home. He and I were born under the sign of Leo and we like our dens/homes. Another aspect of things was that his wife may not have been content alone back at home. Ah....

YEARNING!!! Do I yearn? For ??? The spiritual life! YES. Sure. Why not? How? When? Where? On a retreat????? Depression - the biggest bugaboo! So says Rabbi Nachman. I concurr. Talked w/Kristen today at lunch and she may be sliding, as she says, into depression. True - there has been much stress for her and confusion and such does not lead to happiness... Ah.... I hope she figures something out besides Paxel.

moving on...

Another Monday. Another four years. Another this and that. It was a nice weekend which passed. Karen and I put up a lot of pictures around the house and the house looks nicer. Saturday was a good day, too, and we checked with a potential/probable caterer. Good. And back a day further - we had a nice havurah Friday night dinner at Pearl's and Raymond's.

The book club I am in met last night and the discussions were interesting. How could someone be closely linked to the Holocaust and yet not be changed in some way? The character fortunately escaped the horrors but seems to have not been changed. IF he had remained in Germany and there had not been the Holocaust he would have been the same nebish-like person there that he grows into while living out his life in London. He doesn't really make contact with people.

AND.... is that at all what I am like? Do I make contact with people. The title of the book is/was "Making things better" and I may do that???!! but is there really contact between me and others? I do complain that I am not listened to by friends and family and others. I live with that distress. I am not sure it is getting better. Hmm...... Yiich!

What is happening?!!!???

soo long....

It has been several days since I have written and the country has re-elected GW Bush to a second term. And today is Shabbat and so am I to say and think and believe that G-d's plan is for Bush to be president. Well..... very interesting. And very debatable. The debate can be framed in many ways. Essentially the questions come down to who kwows who is in charge? We can say that G-d is in charge but before the facts it is our apparent free will which is in charge. Apparent because - who knows? And when would anyone know? G-d knows!

The number 18 means life. In a book I have - on page 17 - a number before the life-number Rabbi Nachman of Bratslov says two things:
1.
"Everything in the world - whatever is and whatever happens - is a test, designed to give you freedom of choice. Choose wisely.?
2.
"There is nothing very mysterious about free will. You do what you want to do, and you don't do what you don't want to do."

SOOOO....????
A Bush 2nd term is a test. We have all done what we want to do. We have all participated (and a lack of participation is also participation). We have all put various resources to the task and we always? get what we pay for. Right? Hmmm.... that is a point to pursue.

Back to the Rebbe - I like his stuff. I work with his stuff. To some extent I study his and others stuff. I love his stuff. His stuff helps! I think I must contact his Hasidic group!!!! I think I would like to become closer to that group and maybe that will help me come closer to G-d and All. Shabbat Shalom.

Monday, Monday

What a weekend. Ups and downs and all around!!! Saturday night's costume party was good. Karen and I went dressed with bathing suits and beach ball and sarong and goggles. Fun enough. I danced a little tango (w/Karen, Kim, Arlene). I did that ok. More soon. Met the teacher of tango so that was something, too.

Sunday was a full day. Most importantly we went Ketubah shopping in Berkeley and we found something we like and will continue to think about it and look a bit further, too. Nice text and pretty nice art. Wisteria and not grapes. Sarah and Margot joined us on our quest and had some good comments. Then Judy and Hillel showed up. We all had lunch (actually Sarah had to leave for work but she did really get that $20.00 - Margot was really into throwing money around! - including the issue of hiring a wedding coordinator which is a sore point with me at this time - but we shall see!!!).

Here is the Ketubah we like


Except for the fact that this year has had a World Series upset and the fact that what the Redskins do in football really has no relationship to the election - the Redskins DID lose their last home game and that has correlated precisely with the loss of the incumbant party in the upcoming election. We will see what tomorrow brings!

Halloween was last night and it was a bust in regards to how many kids came around. I returned some candy this morning to Longs.

Mundane, mundane, Monday! I am working on several things and staying fairly organized. Tomorrow I am off to SF for three days of training which I hope will be interesting and enlightening, etc. And I hope to call a Union meeting in the near future. It is very disturbing about the 2-day proferred vacation days which librarians may not get! We will see what we will see.

I am planning to not go to chorus tonight or for the rest of this "quarter". Soo much going on. And scheduling problems.

And now - what about a nice picture of something or other? Or a visual-oriented link?

So here is a Picasso